In the news...

Since I always have an bloated opinion on almost everything here's my latest stab at what's in the news:

First up we have the former blonde bombshell turned public laughing stock Anna Nicole Smith. She has taken her case to the Supreme Court arguing that she's entitled to the a large chunk of her late husband's estate. For those of you unfamiliar with the case Anna married an geriatric billionaire who she met in a strip club. The man died a little more than a month after the nuptials and the court battle for his will has been waging for more than 11 years. The dead husband's family, concerned about the authenticity of the marriage, state they will continue to fight this in every avenue possible. Evidence has been placed in the court that Anna flashed her breasts to her husband on his deathbed in an attempt to be placed on the will.

Gee you mean Anna didn't really love the guy and just wanted his money? I'm shocked.

Dad if you're reading this, God forbid, always remember if something happened to Mom and you ended up marrying a stripper with the brain capacity of broccoli I will punch you in the mouth repeatedly. If you do the same Mom I'll get my sister to do the honors. If she won't do it I'll hire out.

Never marry a stripper when you're old. They may not love you for your stunning looks or charisma.

Supreme Court sympathetic to former Playmate

President Bush is not only pissing off liberals, moderates, but now he's gotten under the skin of people in his own party. The UAE port control bid has infuriated everyone and our idiot-in-chief didn't help matters by promising to veto any Congressional act that would question and/or block the contractors bid. To make matters worse he stated this before the Senate review.

He's been in office for years now and the administration's incompetence never ceases to amaze me.

GOP unease spreads to security issues

Jessica Alba has threatened Playboy with possible litigation over them picturing her on this month's cover. She's upset that it gives the impression that non readers of the skin magazine may think she's nude in it.

Now I know you may think that Jessica Alba's nudity is not as important as national security or Supreme Court precedences, but I disagree. I find the subject of the highest importance. I think the idea by Playboy probably got them more readers than ever before.

Alba Threatens Playboy Over Cover Pic

I was watching Fox News at the gym today and damn them for not letting me change the channel. They did have an interesting segment though talking about a survey where over 70% of women polled want their husbands to make more money. Shouldn't men want the same from the women? Were men polled to opine about their wive's spending habits?

Way to go Fox News for keeping the gold digger stereotype alive.

"I don't drink as much as I use to could." - Anna Nicole Smith

I'm half evil half good.

I thought the percentage would be higher, but it seems I'm a nicer person than I thought. Apparently I'm still a twisted individual depending on your point of view. Good thing we have internet quizzes to remind us of what kind of people we are. Don't know what I'd do without em.

You Are 50% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

"The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil." - Hannah Arendt

Overrated films part 9.

I know I may get some flack from the denizens of Clint Eastwood apologists, but I feel his one film that brought him to the status of greatness as a director was mediocre at best. I find most of Eastwood's directorial works as all over the board when quality is the standard. Some of them are okay (The Bridges of Madison County, Absolute Power, White Hunter Black Heart), some are great (Million Dollar Baby, Mystic River, A Perfect World) and some are just god awful (Space Cowboys, Heartbreak Ridge, The Rookie).

Unforgiven is one of those films that I mildly enjoy; however this film garnered some of the most critical and commercial praise for Eastwood as an actor and director. When discussing film with friends a lot of them consider Unforgiven as the best western ever. Granted the bar is low given that the genre is mostly made of corny, pretentious, or just plain dull movies, but does it rank with movies such as High Noon and The Big Country?

The movie has an interesting premise. An aging gunfighter (Eastwood) who is failing at the straight life of raising two children find an opportunity to make some money for his struggling farm by the way of collecting on a bounty. He leaves his kids and recruits a former colleague (Morgan Freeman) to hunt a man who cut up a prostitute.

A tyrannical lawman (Gene Hackman), who presides over the town where the prostitute was attacked, uses draconian tactics in keeping what he considers scum out of his precious neighborhood. The sheriff is none too happy about the bounty nor is he content to allow anyone come and collect it.

Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman take a long journey while discussing issues such as aging, the old gun fighters life vs. the normal life, and masturbation. Upon their trek they meet a young man who has dreams of collecting the bounty himself and becomes a reluctant third wheel in the hunt.

The acting in this film is amazing. For that alone I would recommend sitting through the long, pretentious, and often times dull film. After sitting through what seems like an eternity of build up the viewer is presented with one of the most implausible western gunfights I've ever seen. Unforgiven also takes the safe route in not portraying any racial tensions with Morgan Freeman and his enemies. For a film that strips down the black and white morality of previous westerns to a muddled gray it seemed a little strange to think that post civil war frontier as racially harmonious. All throughout the movie you are constantly reminded that the myth of the old west was nothing more than romanticized storytelling, and that the reality was brutal and often times unjust. Any reasonably intelligent person would already know this and if they didn't they should understand the point within the first 10 minutes of the movie. Despite all but saying it directly in the first act the movie goer is constantly reminded of the amorality of the gunfighter era.

When the film was released critics hailed it as the greatest westerns ever and applauded Eastwood's stoic performance of the geriatric gunfighter. I guess they thought Clint playing a cowboy was a real stretch. Unforgiven took the Best Picture Oscar as the pool was pretty shallow with nominees including The Crying Game, A Few Good Men, Howard's End, and Scent of a Woman. As all of the films I call overrated Unforgiven isn't a bad one, but it's not great.

Scene from Unforgiven:



"It's the portrait of a hero past his prime, the lone outlaw humbled by age. It's this self-referential aspect of Eastwood playing against his own myth, I think, that has created the illusion of depth for some critics, and Eastwood is intentionally and perhaps apologetically asking us to reexamine along with him the hero he created. But instead of actually exploring the character psychologically, Eastwood chooses to lay a veneer of political correctness over him." - Hal Hinson

Sorority ass.

I was online Friday and the Pretty Girl pinged me on IM.

"Do you want to dress up tonight?" she said.

"For?" I asked.

"I was asked to chaperone a semi formal sorority dance at UW," she replied.

Interesting. Chaperoning a dance? Knowing what kind of activities I was usually involved in when I went to dances I found this situation laughable. I never belonged to a fraternity, nor had any desire to. I thought it might be interesting at least. I told her that I would do it.

The Pretty Girl belonged to the same sorority in college; however she went to USC instead of UW. Kind as she is she was recruited to chaperone this shin dig at short notice.

We arrived at the place and found a little nugget of a girl who had the voice of an 11 year old. She and two other people were frantically decorating the place hoping to have it all up before people arrive. The Pretty Girl and I sat down and chatted while we waited for the dance to start.

I was told that we wouldn't be there to enforce rules, but rather to be backup the other chaperones. The other two chaperones showed up finally. The girl was actually a member of the sorority and she brought her boyfriend along. We'll call her 'teacher', cause that's her current profession. I guess we'll call her boyfriend 'poor bastard'.

We introduced ourselves and made small talk. It was then I realized that I used to beat up people like me.

People started arriving and the Pretty Girl sat and commented on their attire. I noticed short skirts seemed to be coming back in, which isn't a bad thing in my opinion. I did notice that frayed 80s skirts seem to be the norm now. Being a child of the 80s I was hoping that those ugly fashion trends would never come back, but alas that is not the case.

We watched all sorts of activities that actually surprised me. I used to consider myself a desensitized individual. Now I know that is not the case.

I watched three girls give lapdances. Granted they were all clothed, but they sat their boyfriends down and gave them the ol rub the ass in the crotch dance. Boys have it so good now a days.

Poor Bastard went to the bathroom and came back and announced that there were more women in the men's restroom then guys. Apparently some kinky things were happening in the stalls. Teacher got pissed and interrogated the possible offending parties.

Most of the people seemed drunk, or at least acted like it. One girl was out on the balcony making out with her date and her boobs seemed to fall out of her dress. Rather than place the tits back in the dress she continued to let it hang out. This was told to me by the Pretty Girl as I sadly missed it.

There was a girl there that was so drunk her friends sat her down. She finally passed out and was carried out by a couple of nice gentlemen.

The boob girl came up to us four chaperones and asked us why we looked sad. She shook hands with us and announced that she knew me. I told her that wasn't the case to which she agreed and then bolted.

Poor Bastard and Teacher were chatting away and I looked and saw a girl who seemed to idolize Paris Hilton. She was a leggy blonde in a short revealing black dress with shades on. Paris wannabe was obviously tipsy and seemed to enjoy it. She was leaning over the rail of the balcony to which we could literally see her ass.

The Pretty Girl and I were laughing our asses off. Poor Bastard finally saw it and pointed it out to Teacher. Teacher got pissed and walked out there with her hands on her hips. After a lecture Paris wannabe fell over onto a bush and needed much assistance in the fine art of standing.

Poor Bastard finally decided to go sit in the car and wait out the night there. Smart fellow.

The DJ was one of the worst I've ever heard. He had a small library of rap that was once popular, but never cool. Some of the songs he even played twice.

The Pretty Girl and Teacher tried to convince me that this was not a good representation of sorority girls and most of them weren't like that at all. That's probably true. If I have a daughter though I'd rather her marry a biker than join a fraternal order of Greek named sisterhoods.

"I don't really think, I just walk." - Paris Hilton

Another day, another asanign censorship policy handed down by China.

China likes to censor art. They've been doing it for years mostly to curb thought, especially if it contradicts the ideals of their Maoist philosophy. Recently search engine companies have agreed with the communist government to self censor their search results for their Chinese customers.

Not content with not allowing their citizens to view art regarding freedom and porn the government has now banned animation that's mixed with live action. By banning the animation, which normally comes from foreign markets, they intend to help boost their sagging animation industry. One would think that making their cartoons not suck would eliminate the problem, but that's just me.

"By contrast, China is a repressive regime that denies its citizens the essential freedoms of religion, political dissent and representative self-government." - Todd Akin

China Bans Animation Blended With Actors

I'm a geek.

Jeff posted something on his LiveJournal that intrigued me. It's a list of movies and you're supposed to count how many you have seen. Based on the criteria of the list if you've seen more than 70 of them you have no life. I tallied 105. I beat Jeff even. I'm a winner and a loser.

Yes I'm very ashamed that I've sat through some of these movies. "Troop Beverly Hills" and "She's All That" spring to mind as a movie watching low point.

(*) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(*) Grease
(*) Pirates of the Caribbean
(*) Boondock Saints
( ) The Mexican
(*) Fight Club
(*) Starsky and Hutch
(*) Neverending Story
(*) Blazing Saddles
(*) Airplane!

Total: 9

(*) The Princess Bride
(*) Young Frankenstein
(*) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
(*) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Saw
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(*) Anger Management
(*) 50 First Dates
( ) Jason X

Total: 15

(*) Scream
(*) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(*) Scary Movie
(*) Scary Movie 2
(*) Scary Movie 3
(*) American Pie
(*) American Pie 2
(*) American Wedding
(*) Harry Potter

Total: 24

(*) Harry Potter 2
(*) Harry Potter 3
( ) Harry Potter 4
(*) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(*) The Wedding Singer
(*) Little Black Book
(*) The Village
(*) Donnie Darko
( ) Lilo & Stitch

Total: 31

(*) Finding Nemo
(*) Finding Neverland
( ) 13 Ghosts
(*) Signs
(*) The Grinch
(*) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
(*) Butterfly Effect
(*) 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot

Total: 38

(*) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(*) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
(*) Kingpin
( ) Never Been Kissed
(*) Meet The Parents
(*) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights

Total: 43

( ) Cinderella Story
(*) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(*) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Halloween
(*) The Ring

Total: 46

( ) The Ring 2
(*) Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
(*) Practical Magic
(*) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
(*) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards

Total: 50

(*) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(*) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
(*) Coach Carter
(*) Bad Boys

Total: 54

( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(*) Se7en
(*) Ocean's Eleven
(*) Ocean's Twelve
(*) Bourne Identity
(*) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
(*) Predator I
(*) Predator II

Total: 61

(*) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(*) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' daughter
( ) Frailty

Total: 63

( ) Best Men
(*) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(*) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
(*) Sideways
(*) Mars Attacks!
( ) Event Horizon
( ) Ever After
(*) Forrest Gump
(*) Big Trouble in Little China

Total: 69

(*) X-Men
(*) X-2
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(*) Catch Me If You Can
( ) The Others
(*) Freaky Friday (the original Disney version)
( ) Reign of Fire
(*) Cruel Intentions
( ) The Hot Chick

Total: 74

( ) Swimfan
(*) Miracle
(*) Old School
(*) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
(*) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(*) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(*) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman

Total: 80

(*) Hitch
(*) The Fifth Element
(*) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(*) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(*) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(*) Star Wars Episode IV A New HopE
(*) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(*) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi...
(*) Troop Beverly Hills
(*) Swimming with Sharks

Total: 90

(*) Air Force One
(*) For Richer or Poorer
(*) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
(*) Blue Velvet
(*) Sound of Music
(*) Parent Trap 1 (old)
( ) Parent Trap 2 (new)
(*) The Burbs
(*) The Terminator

Total: 98

(*) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
(*) Meet Joe Black
(*) Nightmare Before Christmas
(*) The Silence of the Lambs
(*) Red Dragon
(*) Sleepy Hollow
( ) I Heart Huckabees
( ) 24 Hour Party People
( ) Blood In Blood Out
(*) The Virgin Suicides

Total 105

"I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing." - Al Yankovic

Dance to the speakers that boom. I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom...

Work gets so damn tedious I often think of things I could do to break the monotony. Spontaneous acts of disco recently came to mind. I could blare some Average White Band and boogie oogie oogie till I just can't boogie no more.

I don't think that would look good on my review.

"God had to create disco music so I could be born and be successful." - Donna Summer

Richard Simmons in "Disco Sweat".

Religion of peace strikes again. Religion of love strikes back.

Muslims in Nigeria have decided to jump on the Danish riot bandwagon. Showing their disdain for cartoons and other various world events they assumed the best method was to kill 18 Christians and burn over a couple of dozen churches.

The Christians, abandoning all notion of being Christ-like, decided to launch their own riot now burning down mosques and killing six. History is repeating itself folks.

"The latest horror to hit the U.S. looks to have been caused by people of Middle Eastern origin, bearing Muslim names. Again, shame. This fuels more hatred for a religion and a people who have nothing to do with these events." - Cat Stevens

Anti-Muslim Riot in Nigeria Turns Deadly

Spreading the good word one lap dance at a time.

Heather Veitch, a former exotic dancer, has reformed her crotch grinding ways and found Jesus. As most people of the faith she decided to start her own ministry to recruit people into the body of Christ. She and a couple of former strippers are tackling this often times difficult task the best way they know how, through lapdances.

Instead of using a more traditional method of knocking on peoples' doors or handing out leaflets at bus stops, Heather and her cohorts are going to strip clubs. They shell out money for lapdances and preach the word of the bible to the dancers in hopes of getting them off the pole and into the pews. They communicate the word while the naked lady grinds them.

As a minister has said to me, "If you reach one it's all worth it". I think I'm going to hell for the images this story creates for me.

"Do we ask gluttons to stop eating too much before they come to church? Sin is sin." - Heather Veitch

Former Stripper Not Typical Evangelical
JC's Girls

Deny the Holocaust, go to jail.

David Irving, a Third Reich historian, has long been known for his controversial positions that include a denial of Hitler's Final Solution. The Austrian government has now sentenced him to three years in prison for publishing his views.

Austria, who decided to bow to the Nazis during WWII, and Germany have placed laws that would punish people who either promote National Socialism and/or deny the Holocaust. While I find such views ignorant and reprehensible should someone go to jail for simply promoting a belief? Pornographers, such as Larry Flynt, insist that free speech is not only about protecting what you love, but it's also about protecting what you hate. Should the same reasoning apply here regardless of how despicable the speech is?

These countries started these laws as a PR stunt to try and convince the rest of the world that they were eradicating anti-semitism from the region. I guess they believe locking people up will destroy ideas, cause history will show that's always worked. They did a bang of job when they jailed Hitler himself. Well done Austria and Germany. Keep up the good work of never letting history teach you anything.

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle

Holocaust denier: 3-year jail term

Loveline: Adam gets a phone sex worker to work in the Holocaust in her act.

A huge sports weekend that I'm told I should care about.

I went to a WHL game this weekend and damn it was cool. I love seeing hockey live. I don't think people appreciate the skill of the players as they should. I can't think of a sport that blends grace and power so harmoniously.

The NBA all star game happened this weekend. The slam dunk contest ensued and sports journalists are complaining about the controversy of Nate Robinson's winning slam dunk, but yet I don't give a damn. I guess the NBA should hype such a useless theatrical event to boost it's sagging ratings.

Daytona 500 happened, again with controversy over Knauf's suspension for cheating. Many people around the water cooler will still debate whether NASCAR's a real sport or not. I could care less if it is or isn't. I just want it to go away.

In Winter Olympics snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis cost herself a gold medal with her ego. After gaining an impressive lead in the 4 woman race, Lindsey decided to do a board grab on the last jump in an effort to showboat and rouse the crowd into a presumptuous celebration. Her landing did not go as well as planned as she fell on her back and watched Switzerland's Tanja Frieden race past her and take the gold medal.

Funny thing is I, nor many people, would've ever heard the name Lindsey Jacobelllis if it weren't for the flub. She'll probably get more endorsement deals and enjoy her 15 minutes in the spotlight more so than if she did win the gold medal. Of course Tanja will display her gold medal proudly for the rest of her life even though she won it by someone doing a mistake rather than a true test of skill.

Ricky Williams tested positive for pot for the 4th time. The NFL rules require a year long suspension for the bong loving Miami running back. You must really have to love tokin to sacrifice playing the game you love, not to mention a multi million dollar years salary.

"As human beings we have a tendency when we like something to tie it up and make sure it's there for a long time. I've been working on being able to let things go. I don't think I ever want to buy property again." - Ricky Williams

Nascar likes colognes, wine, romance novels. Still sucks.

I hate Nascar. I've never understood why people watch it really. I think the only reason is for the wrecks. If Nascar can guarantee there would be no crashes next season the ratings would go down 60%.

I have friends who watch the abysmal sport. They sit and stare at the television while the drivers drive fast, slow down, turn left, and repeat that sequence 500 times. Oh and sometimes they make a pit stop. Oh what fun.

Nascar is trying to jump on a new market while they restructure the stereotype of the beer swilling simpleton fan. Dale Earnhardt Jr is now endorsing colognes, such as Drakkar Noir. Napa Valley's August Briggs Winery now has a Jeff Gordon collection. A romance novel that centers around Nascar is being published entitled "In the Groove".

I'm not kidding folks. This is all true. Imagine the novel: "As he laid his body across the rumbling hood of his car I felt a longing in my loins. I found myself desiring him handling my curves as smoothly as he careens the ones on the track." I should write trashy romance novels.

"I think NASCAR's coming to Canada now so it'll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid." - Samantha Bee

'Novel' Tie-Ins Rev Up NASCAR's Image

The Pretty Girl's Birthday.

I had a really hard time finding a present for the Pretty Girl's birthday. She needed a new TV; however I was torn between that or Sex and the City, The Complete Series. She's a big fan of that show.

It's hard finding a gift for someone who's hotter than you. Maybe it's a strange insecurity I have, but I almost feel obligated to spoil her for merely being seen with me. It would be easier if I looked as hot as CitySoul's husband. There are, of course, many other qualities she has that make me want to get her something she's happy with.

I ended up getting Sex and the City for her. The Pretty Girl seemed happy with her present much to my relief. We had a great dinner at a sushi place. God I love sushi.

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.” - Robert Frost

Happy Valentine's Day! Part 2. The girls strike back.

In response to my previous posting about what a single guy should do for Valentine's Day, Andrea created her own list for the females. Listed below is her sagely wisdom:

1. Vibrator, Vibrator, VIIIIBBBRAAAATOORRRR.
2. Drink or Smoke the substance of your choice and keep the phone, IM and MYSPACE page off, hidden, locked etc etc. Trust me you won't wanna know what you said.
3. If your ex-boyfriend sends you flowers, try not to yell at him too harshly, after all it is YOU he is trying to get over.
4. Ignore calls from your ex-boyfriend.
5. Get together with single girlfriends and have an "I Hate Valentine's Day" party where you bring something from relationships past to burn, destroy, shred, etc.. Then sit around and make fun of the size of their penises and lack of motivation.
6. Don't call your sister or girlfriends and tell her how much better off you are with out him and then talk about what you really miss you are without him for a reason FOCUS you girly girl!
7. Call your booty call and get a piece of Valentine's Ass then kick him out so you can tell your girlfriends about it (oh hell yes we talk about it, probably more than you) just make sure that you reiterate it is just like any other Tuesday night.
8. Revel in your single hood.
9. Call a single gay guy friend for an ego boost.
10. Don't think about your girlfriends that got diamonds and flowers, go out and buy your own!
11. VIIIIBBBRAAAATOORRRR.
12. Don't watch some fucking stupid chick flick and be all sad cause Richard Gere isn't rescuing you from a life on the street.. it's a fucking movie.. hence not real.. real men belch, scratch their asses, ask you for head as often as possible and want you to sit there and look pretty, or not talk and fix them food.
13. Be HAPPY you are single.

When referring to #12 I believe that wiser words have never been spoken.

"Sex in the City was a different kind of phenomenon because of the show itself is a phenomenon and to me that's successful because to resonate with women across the board for six years and have only one African-American actor pass through for one episode." - Blair Underwood

Whoops

Yes we've all read the news where Vice President Dick Cheney shot another man in the face as the result of a hunting accident. While many in the media are exploring exactly why Cheney didn't report this to the White House immediatley I have only one question. Why the hell did the guy not shoot back?

"Direct threats require decisive action." - Dick Cheney

White House under fire over Cheney shooting

Happy Valentine's Day!

I know a lot of people hate this day, but it always was memorable for me whether I was single or not. I'll be spending my Valentine's Day at work unfortunately, but I'll be celebrating it later this week with the Pretty Girl.

So what should a single guy do on this day? I've decided to compose a list.

1. Porn.
2. Drink heavily and drunk dial all ex-girlfriends and tell them you're out with a hot Latin American supermodel who's into public displays of nudity. After hanging up admit you're pathetic, but creative.
3. If drunk dialed by ex-girlfriend stay calm. Do not antagonize, lead on, or give in to their threats, lame attempts to make you jealous, or pleas to get back together.
4. Ignore all calls from mom.
5. Get together with single friends in a "I Hate Valentine's Day" get together. Drink heavily and don't be the first to pass out. Get together should be held at sports bars and/or strip clubs.
6. Play Calvinball.
7. Don't watch Dr Phil, Oprah, Tyra, etc. You shouldn't be watching them anyways pansy boy.
8. Play a manly sport such as paintball, hockey, or boxing.
9. Stay out of jail.
10. If you run into an ex who's out with the guy she dumped you for do not get violent. You'd do the same thing and you know it. Pity him would be the best emotion.
11. If a female friend calls you for a booty call...well...use your best judgment.
12. Don't dwell on your small penis. Not everyone is hung like Tommy Lee, cept for me of course...yeah...well onto #13 then.
13. Stop looking in the mirror girly boy. Yes you're fat. Hit the gym tubby man. I'll be seeing you there trying to work off my beer belly.
14. Don't think about your friends who are out with a hottie.
15. Fight Club.

Yeah maybe that's not the best advice. So I'm no Dan Savage. Sue me.

"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself." - Robert Orben

Mischief. Mayhem. Song and Dance?

I'm a huge fan of Fight Club. Huge. Yes I own the uber edition on DVD as well as a VHS copy. I played the forgettable video game till the very end just to see what story line they would throw at me. I am also upset I didn't get a chance to check out the stage production. If they release another special edition on DVD, VHS, or hell even Betamax I'm buying it. The only person I know who has watched Fight Club more times than me is Paul, who quotes it nonstop.

I, like most fans of this film, walked out of the theatre on first showing and truly felt this movie spoke to me somehow. Silly? Maybe, but I did feel it. It was something of a strange revelation that men out there were thinking as I did, but we dared not talk to each other about it. Men did feel unnecessary, emasculated, and unwanted. Watching this film was entertaining as well as cathartic. I love every plot point, every clever one liner, every twist, turn, punch, kick, and fuck you attitude to things that don't matter. I enjoyed watching the ideas of Tyler descend, or ascend depending on your view, into anarchy. God I love that movie.

Not content with making terrible remakes of Superman Bollywood decided to redo the Tyler Durden story complete with song and dance. Judging from the previews they seem to take a whole different approach to the actual narrative as well as mix highly sensationalized fight scenes that make you think of a Jet Li vehicle.

It just looks awful, but you know what? I'm going to watch it. Eh I'm a glutton. If nothing it will make for good comedy whether the movie intends it to be or not. I do believe the abscene of Indian beauty Aishwarya Rai is unfortunate. She should be in every movie period. I demand it.

"We're designed to be hunters and we're in a society of shopping. There's nothing to kill anymore, there's nothing to fight, nothing to overcome, nothing to explore. In that societal emasculation this everyman is created." - David Fincher

Bollywood's Riding the Remake Train Again ... This Time It's Fight Club ...

Brokeback Mountain.

I finally saw Brokeback Mountain. I've read many reviews on the picture and found most of them to be positive. When viewing the film though I found myself focusing on things most reviewers seemed either not important enough to mention or too swept up in the main characters to even notice it.

Brokeback Mountain is an amazing movie. It's photography, acting, and spot on direction deserve all the praise it's getting. Some people accuse the hype as being more political than ascetic. While that can happen in the art community, and I use the term loosely when including Hollywood, I find the film would've have been praised just the same had the characters been straight.

The tale of Jack and Ennis is a complicated one, but one worth following. They meet herding sheep in scenic Wyoming and find themselves the only two people in the rugged paradise. Their affections one night quickly escalate from strong armed hesitation to driven passion. Ennis, being the more traditional and down to earth of the two, comes to an agreement with Jack that they cannot pursue their relationship as they may pay the ultimate price for it.

Both characters depart and try the "straight" life. Both get married and have kids, but both can't hide their desire for each other for long. They finally catch up and have secret rendevous at Brokeback Mountain on a semi-regular basis for years.

This is where I find a different tale than most of the reviews. While I felt sorry for Jack and Ennis never being able to live a happy life I actually felt real pity for the women and children they married and fathered. The wives and kids pay a terrible emotional price for the patriarch's lack of attention, faithfulness, and most importantly, love. They are ultimately living a lie just as much as Jack and Ennis. Even more tragic are the children who had no choice in the matter. It's harder to watch knowing that both Jack and Ennis seemed to be unloved children as well.

I love a good love story, such as Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and Casablanca. All films show a sense of urgency in the characters feelings for each other. We know they're meant for one another and in another life they would experience a blissful relationship; however circumstances beyond their control keep that from happening. You'll find such similar themes in this film.

I wanted to at times scream at Jack and Ennis and berate them for not having the courage to go somewhere and at least try to live together, but I would be so arrogant for doing so. I've never felt scared to show my affections for any girlfriend, family, god, friends, etc. Would I have the courage to take the high road and risk everything to be with the one I love or would I take the easier method of hiding my feelings? What would you do?

A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, told me I was supporting homosexuality by going to see the movie and was appalled by me going to see it. Every time you buy a ticket for Brokeback Mountain a man losses his ass cherry, I guess. For all you straight men who won't go see it, because the thought of man loving offends your every being let me say this: Ann Hathaway and Michelle Williams both get topless in the film and it rules. Rules I tell you.

"The first thing you're likely to hear about Brokeback Mountain, the new film from Ang Lee, is that it's about gay cowboys. Truthfully, that's all the novelty it has to offer. Just the thought of screen hunks Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal making out is a point of sale or controversy, depending on your point of view. But once you get past the hook, what emerges is a much more traditional, but no less affecting, tragedy about two people who simply cannot have what they want." - David Thomas.

Customer complaints.

In keeping with the customer experiences being posted I thought I'd share with you some real complaints in the various jobs I've worked when dealing with the public.

At the movie theatre:

Customer: "That movie sucked. Why do you show this kind of shit?"

Me: "I'm sorry you didn't think Leprechaun 2 was the cinematic masterpiece you were hoping it would be. We normally show these films because people purchase tickets to see them."

Customer (with blank stare accompanied by an open jaw): ......

At the video store:

Customer: "I rented 'Kids' for my children and it was horrible. It had nudity and sex. You're responsible for my kids watching that crap."

Me: "I'm sorry you picked a movie that was inappropriate for your children and you didn't notice that the film was rated R as clearly labeled on the movie's box. The synopsis written on the back of the jacket stated that the teens depicted were into drugs, sex, and violence and was not suitable for anyone under the age of 18. I can refund your money or offer you a free movie rental for the inconvenience in your movie choice."

I actually practiced that speech knowing that the movie 'Kids' would cause someone to gripe.

Customer: "What else are you going to do about it? My kids sat through that crap!!"

Me: "How would you like me to compensate you for your child's viewing of the movie you picked for them?"

Customer: ".....uhhh....I'd like my money back."

At the photo lab:

Me: "I'm sorry mam, but your roll of film turned out to be blank. You didn't shoot any pictures on it."

Customer: "No."

Me: "Uhm. Yeah. It's blank, but there's no charge for this as we didn't print anything." I hold the negatives up for the customer to see.

Customer: "No there are images for those negatives."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Customer: "The images are in the machine. You just haven't put them on the negatives."

Me: "What?!!?"

Customer: "I'm going to make this easy for you. I want you to go into that machine and put the images back on the negatives where they belong. I know that roll isn't blank."

I then spent about 10 minutes explaining how light sensitive emulsion works and how images don't float in a machine while we superglue them to a roll of negatives.

Customer: "You guys suck. I'm going to go home and tell my husband about what you did."

Me: "Sorry you're unhappy mam. Have a good day."

Customer: "Did you hear me?"

Me: "Yes."

Customer: "I'm going to go tell my husband."

Me: "I know."

Customer: "He gets scary when he's angry."

Me: "Does he now?"

Customer: "Yes and he's not going to be happy about this. Do you know you have our daughter's wedding pictures in your machine?"

Me: "Mam we have no images in the machine floating around. As I explained to you before the negative is the image and vice versa."

Customer: "Well I'm going to tell my husband about this."

Me: "Yes well have a good day then."

Customer: "Oh we'll be seeing you soon"...reads my name tag..."ERIK."

Me: "Great I'll be here till 7pm."

Customer: "OH..well...ahh...we'll be seeing you then."

Me: "Looking forward to it. Have a good day."

Customer: "Psshhh"

The poor husband. After hearing her bitch about me he slowly had to come to grips with the fact that his wife is a moron and probably knelt down and prayed for the sake of his children.

Every time I face someone working in customer service I make it a point to at least smile at them. I truly feel their pain.

"The golden rule for every business man is this: Put yourself in your customer's place." - Orison Swett Marden

More theatre stories...

I've encountered many a strange person when working at the movie theatre. I was shocked really by how many odd personalities seemed to inhabit the cinema. Before I worked there I thoroughly enjoyed going to the movies. My parents are big movie buffs and took me and my sister to the theatre often. During high school I went on a lot of dates to movies. Never did I encounter a weirdo.

When I started working there though my whole perception on the movie going public changed. First off I will tell the tale of the Crutchman who was a regular at the Bellis Fair Cinemas.

Yes the Crutchman. He was a short stocky guy who wore about six layers of clothing decorated with veteran's pins. He had crutches, but he didn't actually need them. He would walk with them, but he wouldn't use because of any physical ailment. He would just simply swing them by his side as he strolled up to the theatre. Sometimes he would just carry them to and from his car.

Crutchman had all sorts of abnormalities. First off he would pay for everything using $100 bills. He always seemed to have a gangster's roll with him. Then he would walk up to the concession stand and order one large popcorn, one large soda, and numerous Haagen-Daz ice cream bars. He would place the ice cream bars in his jacket pockets. Since he was wearing about three coats he could fit a lot. And there was that awful odor that would assault the senses anytime he was within 30 yards.

My first encounter with him was at the doorman's podium where he came up to me and placed his ticket down on the podium. I picked it up, told him what theatre the movie was showing, and held out his ticket stub.

Crutchman: Put it down. Put it down. Put it down.

Me: Huh?

Crutchman: Put it down. Put it down.

Me: Uhhh. Put what down?

Crutchman: Put the ticket down!!!

Me: Oh. Okay.

I placed the ticket down on the podium and he snatched it up quickly.

Crutchman: Finally got it didn't ya?

Me: Ha ha ha...ehhh...Enjoy your show sir.

Crutchman: Smart ass.

Me: Thank you for choosing Bellis Fair Cinemas.

Crutchman: Humph. Kids.

He chose to see "The Little Rascals", which was an odd choice for an older gentleman. I walked into the theatre to find him in the front left row where he placed all his Haagen-Daz bars on every arm rest in the row. Weird I thought. Even though the theatre was over three quarters empty he chose that place to sit.

He came out after the show was over and went to the bathroom. He decided to recite bible passages in a booming voice that would make Billy Graham proud. A customer came up to complain about it after his child got his nerves rattled by hearing the lord's word being screamed from a toilet. I went in to investigate and sure enough he was belting out Leviticus.

He finally exited and went along his merry way. He returned often though. He watched"The Little Rascals" on more than one occasion. One time though he defiled everything that is human and good.

My coworker John, who enjoyed getting a rise out of anyone, decided to go against conventional wisdom to not disturb the Crutchman's method of movie going. Rather than simply putting down the ticket on the podium as ordered he looked at him and said "I think you need some assistance with this" and shoved the ticket stub in Crutchman's coat pocket. This did not pleases our disabled wannabe. He screamed at John about respect, to which John simply looked at him with a smug smile and said "Enjoy your show sir."

This alarmed everyone. I always imagined Crutchman had a 9mm in one of his pockets, but had the inner strength not to use one. He unfortunately did something far worse.

He went into the bathroom and decided to regain his toilet ministry. John and I stood at our doorman's podium and noticed Crutchman coming out of there...two hours after he first entered. We both looked at each other with shock. John looked at me and proudly said he would investigate. He came back and almost had tears in his eyes. He silently went back to the podium and stood and stared. I asked him what he saw and he raised his hand to me without moving his transfixed gaze.

Stupid as I am I went in there. I looked in the stall previously occupied by our bathroom preacher and was absolutely horrified. I will spare you dear readers of any description of it for I am too less of a writer to accurately paint a picture of the terror I felt when I looked upon the toilets contents.

My boss Andrew investigated and made one of the female employees go in there, lock the stall, and then crawl under the door so no one would use it. It was so bad the janitor refused to clean it for a month.

I never saw Crutchman again. I heard he was kicked out of another theatre in town for screaming bible quotes in the bathroom. Imagine that.

"I don't judge others. I say if you feel good with what you're doing, let your freak flag fly." -Sarah Jessica Parker

Working in customer service.

I used to work as a doorman at a movie theatre in my late teens/early twenties. It was a thankless job at times. I would stand there in a dapper uniform ripping tickets and telling people which theatre to go into. I would also clean the theatres and find an excess of candy, popcorn, soda, and even soiled diapers on occassion.

One of my miserable chores was to remind people that they couldn't bring in outside food or drink. This sounds like an easy task, but you would be surprised at how angry people would get over the obvious posted policy. Customers would have to walk by two signs that would state the rule and would have the nerve to act surprised when I had to reinstate the policy that was clearly written on a sign next to me.

Sometimes I actually took relish in enforcing the rule to people who got angry. When they started acting like children I treated them as such. It was immature of me to do so, but I felt I was doing them a favor by subtley reminding them that they have the personality of a rabid goat and the brain capacity of cheese.

There was always the family though. I felt so sorry for the kids. The typical conversation went like:

Me: Sorry sir you cannot bring in that food and drink into the theatre.

Father: Why?

Me: Because it's our policy. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Father: Well it's a stupid rule.

Me: I'm sorry you don't like it sir.

Father: You just want us to buy your overpriced stuff.

Me: Sir I don't care whether you buy it or not. If you're not happy with the policy I suggest letting our management know.

Father: I don't like your policy.

Me: I know this. I suggest you inform our management.

Father: Your policy sucks and so do you.

Me: Again I suggest letting our management know your true feelings about our policy and myself.

Father: You don't sell coffee here so I should be able to bring it in.

I start to lose it.

Me: We don't sell a lot of food here such as steak, lobster, or sushi. It's basically the same principle as not taking Burger King food into McDonalds, but again if you don't like it I suggest letting our management know.

Father: We're getting a refund then and we're never coming back.

Me: They'll be happy to assist you with that refund at the box office.

Father: Fuck you.

Of course I would keep a bright smile on my face which pissed them off even more.

I watched the kids faces frown with disappointment as the patriarch of the family made a scene and thus depriving the childrens' enjoyment over the latest celebrity voiced animated feature. Kids, who often learn such behaviors from their parents, would then grow up to be intolerant jackasses who think the world owes them a living as well.

I could've just let the family in, but if my boss saw it he would've given me the third degree. Enforcing policies people hate is never fun especially when the public feels that a $7 movie ticket is over priced, but yet they have no problem spending over $30,000 on a gas guzzling SUV they'll never take offroad. Sigh.

"I just point certain things out. If you buy an SUV, you're buying your safety at the expense of another's. Hit someone and you'll kill them." - Randy Cohen

You heard it here first...

I actually like Valentine's Day. Yes I know that may surprise some of you since I'm a guy, but I do enjoy the corporate exploited day of materially expressing your affections for your mate. I like giving gifts to people. I enjoy the excitement of going out and trying to find something that will a) surprise and/or b) excite the receiver of the present. Plus the day usually results in a good dinner of which I am all for.

My last Valentine's Day was interesting. I was single and was hanging out with a couple of friends at a bar. My friend Amy bartends there and served many a cocktail to Elli, Corey, and I as we toasted our bachelor lives and played pool. The money we saved in buying flowers and other novelties was blown on martinis, beer, and darts.

Amy came by to announce that a recent ex-girlfriend was there at the bar. This is the same ex-girlfriend who hit me when we broke up and threatened suicide twice. There were other mentally unstable acts that she did during the parting, but I won't get into them here. She hated my guts so much that she sat at the bar and wouldn't even look at me the whole time. Plus she knew that place was my regular hangout so running into me was a huge possibility. While playing pool I noticed someone staring at me so I looked up and saw a guy talking to her while he glared at me. I shot a look back at him and continued my drunken attempt at hitting balls with sticks. Nothing became of it, but I imagine he's just one more person in the world who thinks I'm a complete prick. We finally made our exit without incident and went back to my place for more drinking.

This Valentine's Day will be better. I plan to spoil the Pretty Girl, cause she deserves it for putting up with me. I know a lot of guys say that we should have our own day, but I do and that's called Super Bowl.

"I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV." - Tracy Smith

CNN will not offend.

Recently a Danish newspaper ran satirical cartoons that blasted terrorists even going so far as to depict the prophet Mohammad in less than flattering situations. The Muslim community blasted the paper calling for boycotts and threats of violence. Bomb threats were called to the newspaper offices and mass protests were held burning the Dannebrog. Other European papers, in a show of solidarity, decided to reprint the cartoons. They wanted to make it clear to everyone that they will exercise free speech and will not be intimidated by any religious sects.

The story goes on as Iranian leadership ordered all businesses to stop importing Danish goods. More protests still go on and even some were killed outside Danish embassies in Persian and Arab nations.

I actually salute the European newspapers for not allowing themselves to perpetuate a culture of fear. They should always take the side of free speech before allowing themselves to be harassed by intellectual cowards. CNN; however, will no longer offend Muslims.

Yes the Ted Turner owned network has stated that they will not reprint the cartoons out of respect for Islam, or so they claim. I can imagine the board meeting behind this decision:

Editor: People shall we print these cartoons? I mean really we must be sensitive to religion as we've always been.
Journalist: Hell no. We admire all religions. We will never print something that may offend people. It's just not worth it.

My ass. They made the understandable decision to turn tail. Rather than risk their journalists being kicked out of Muslim theocratic nations and face a possible call of boycott in a growing market, they decided not to print the cartoons out of fear and not out of respect for Islam.

If they had such respect for religion they would never have printed Piss Christ or Chris Ofili's Holy Virgin Mary. Then again they would never have to fear the Vatican calling for death warrants for them. (Although I do think it crossed some cardinals' minds.)

I was curious about the cartoons so I went to another source to view them. I understand that it is blasphemous to depict the prophet Mohammad, but free speech must prevail. Anyone who calls for violence or censorship of this nature has no place in civilized society.

"The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property, either as a child, a wife, or a concubine, must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men. Individual Moslems may show splendid qualities - but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it. No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science, the science against which it had vainly struggled, the civilization of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilization of ancient Rome." - Winston Churchill

"CNN has chosen to not show the cartoons out of respect for Islam." - CNN

Fresh rioting in cartoon protests

Weekend of masculinity

This weekend started with the Jiggaman's birthday which was held at the Claim Jumper. I had to bail on it early to take the Pretty Girl to the airport, but a good time was had by all.

Saturday Kris and I sat and shared a bottle of Jack Daniels while we watched the UFC 57. I'm a huge fan of the fights and this one featured Couture vs Liddell part 3 which I've been waiting for for months. These fighters are the best and to see them square off to prove who was indeed the greatest fighter was historic. The fight went to the second round with Liddell knocking Couture down with a punch and then plummeling him until the ref stopped the fight.

Liddell accepted the win graciously without any trash talking, but it was Couture who showed real class. He congratulated Liddell on his win and announced he was retiring. Yep that was his last fight. At 42 he did start showing his age, but to be able to square off in full contact martial arts until that age is amazing. Goodbye Randy Couture. You will be missed.

Sunday was of course the Super Bowl, which is actually a sport most people have heard of unlike Mixed Martial Arts. Kyle threw his yearly party at his place in Kent, which turned out to be a bittersweet one. Kyle was gracious as always providing a large HD screen with lots of food, but then the game got underway. Some guy there asked if everyone there was rooting for the Seahawks to which I announced I did not care as I just wanted to see a good game. Grumbling ensued and someone reminded me that there were 4 black belts there. I guess I was supposed to feign cowardice and announce that I was suddenly a huge fan, but I've always been a terrible liar.

The game was terrible. The officiating was some of the worst I've ever seen and it caused Paul to almost have a coronary. My mother called sometime in the 4th quarter to ask how the game went and right on time Paul screamed a "Fuck you" to the TV. Mom said she guessed the game was not going well for Seattle and asked me to call her back when the profanity died down.

I'm not upset for the Seahawk players or the owners as it's difficult for me to feel sorry for rich people who play a game. In fact I find it funny that the player who was arrested for beating his girlfriend was the one called for a hold that cost the Seahawks a touchdown. I do feel sorry for the Seahawk fans who feel they've been robbed and for good reason. They almost seem to take it personally calling the results an east coast bias. The tone around the party became depressing, but I'm still happy I went.

Regardless of the officiating I hated the game just for the simple fact that the play was horrid. These were supposed to be the best teams playing like it was their last game and we witnessed players acting like this was a preseason match. The Seahawks were called for some bullshit penalties, but they got away with a lot as well.

Alcohol was consumed and historic sports were watched. All that was needed was V8 engines and Maxim models. A good weekend indeed.

"The painful warrior famous for fight, After a thousand victories, once foil'd, Is from the books of honor razed quite, And all the rest forgot for which he toil'" - William Shakespear

Your personality brought to you by another blog.

The Waiter Rant, one of my favorite blogs, has decided to post a personality profile based upon your favorite drink entitled "What Your Drink Says About You." Here's mine:

Vodka Martini – Sophisticated. You’re classy, old school or a James Bond wannabe. I’ve been known to drink these.

I wouldn't consider myself sophisticated as I'm pretty much a small town simpleton. Classy? Well not really. I fart too much and have a reputation for drinking large amounts dark beer and occasionally receiving lap dances. Old school may fit, because I've always felt I was born in the wrong decade. Considering almost every guy I know has wanted to be James Bond at some point in their life this is not too much of a stretch. (Sean Connery is still the one and only true Bond.)

Didn't we just learn a lot about Erik?

“I like woman. I don't understand them, but I like them.” - Sean Connery

What Your Drink Says About You

In a strange mood...

What happened to me? The days of late night coffee and/or beer conversations about life, love, politics, art, violence, etc. are over. Gone are the times I would dream about how the world would be better and how I would be a part of that change. Any notion of an honest politician, a good corporation, and a just war have been eliminated from my brain.

Perhaps I read too much Orwell. Perhaps I lack faith. Perhaps I've become weak and given up. Perhaps I just don't care.

Whatever changed my sense of hope or activism doesn't really matter. What matters is how I get it back.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Damn I'm out of touch.

AskMen.com has posted their readers poll of the top 99 women of 2005. Yes a list of pretty women that you'll never sleep with. Some of the results surprised me. Listed below are the top ten:

10. Eva Longoria - I've maybe one or two episodes of Desperate Housewives. The show is cute, but man she is hot.
9. Natalie Portman - When I think of celebrities, talent makes them so much hotter to me and Natalie is a good actress despite her performance in the Star Wars movies.
8. Amerie - I've never even heard of her.
7. Jessica Biel - Yes I do like her.
6. Charlize Theron - Again talent does it for me. It also helps she is smoking hot.
5. Maria Menounos - No idea who that is.
4. Adriana Lima - Completely clueless as to who this is.
3. Angelina Jolie - I won't even bother commenting.
2. Sienna Miller - Again I don't know who she is.
1. Jessica Alba - I've always thought she was adorable.

Four out of the ten women I've never heard of before. I need to watch more Entertainment Tonight, or not.

While there are many other celebrities that I would personally rank higher than some of these women they are all beautiful. I'm so glad Paris Hilton is not in the top ten. This is evidence that not all men are simpleton dupes whose every action is directed from their penis.

"There's no such thing as a perfect guy. I think it would be strange if somebody was absolutely everything you always wanted, because then there'd be no challenge. Also, you'd feel inferior." - Jessica Alba

Top 99 Most Desirable Women