Okay I normally don't post about myself engaging in carnal acts, but today will be an exception. If you have no desire to have the image of me in lustful activities I suggest you stop reading now.
I'm not kidding.
Folks I'm gonna stray into 'Not Safe For Work' territory.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
All right. Now that I've scared off my female readers as well as anyone who's ever seen me in person I'll begin with an event so out there that I sit and wonder if it actually happened. You won't believe what I'm about to write, cause sometimes neither do I.
I was 18 taking a girl home on a date. It was our first date, but it went really well. Conversation was good, dinner was excellent, and we danced together for what seemed like forever. On the drive home we were entertaining ourselves by making each other laugh and overall I'd say it was one of the most successful first dates I've ever had. That is until I pulled up in front of her house and things went sideways.
I stop the car and offer to walk her to her door when she decided she wanted me right then and there. Since I lived not to far away I offered to go to my place as she still lived with her parents, but she said no. She quickly stripped down and mounted me in the drivers seat.
Yes folks I was highly taken aback by this. She lived in a cul-de-sac right next to my then boss and my ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend. I was young though and the idea of a girl throwing herself at me like this was a rare occurrence. Still is actually. It's pointless to point out I didn't protest this as she was way out of my league in the looks department.
Things were going well until she all of sudden threw her hands on my chest and pushed herself back a bit. Being that age I wasn't fully aware of the whole 'sweet spot' idea as up until that point I've never been that good in the sack without giving a massive amount of oral. She found hers pretty quickly though as she kept leaning herself back further and further.
Ye gods she's hitting the friggin horn. It's one in the morning and I've got a naked girl on my lap waking everyone in the neighborhood up.
I try to pull her off the horn and she wasn't having it. This small framed girl suddenly started gaining Hulk like strength. So there we were locked in a struggle to get her off the steering wheel in the middle of the night.
BEEEP..."dear God"....BEEEP...."get off the"....BEEEP..."fucking horn"....BEEEP...."your parents"....BEEEP....."will wake".....BEEEP....."up".....BEEEP.
Yes the horn went off in intervals as every time I pulled her off the wheel she pushed her way back. I tried lifting her off of me, but she had the leverage advantage and wasn't about to budge. Lights in the neighborhood started coming on so I came up with the only solution I could think of. Yep folks I started the car and threw it in reverse.
I had a hell of a time operating that thing in reverse going down a street with a psycho on top of me. To make matters worse she reached up and grabbed the rear view mirror that was glued to the window and ripped it down. Finally after carefully traversing the road at 5 miles per hour she finished.
We sat in silence for what felt like an hour. She climbed back into the passenger seat got dressed and stated she would walk home. I agreed that it was a good idea that I not drive back even though we didn't make it that far down the street.
After she got out of the car I sped out of there, parked my car in a vacant parking lot, and sat there trying to contemplate what just happened for a half hour.
There was no second date.
If you've read this far it would be a good time for you to shower that 'ick' feeling you all have.
"A good deal of sex is quite amusing." - Hedy Lamarr