As a young lad I was confused about women. Unsure of what girls liked and didn't I often made a complete ass of myself trying to impress women with various jokes, posturing, and stunts that ended with me requiring stitches. As embarrassing as those are to think about I never was more horrified then an incident at a local store.
During middle school my friend Shawn and I lived in the sticks and often we would trek down to the local country store for sodas and jo-jos. We mounted our bikes one day and made a journey to appease the junk food gods wondering if an adventure behold us. Out in the country not much happened, but if it did it was usually at the local country store.
To give you a bit of background the store was a mini-mart of sorts complete with gas station. Across from it was an Assembly of God church, an animal feed store, and a tavern. There was also a building that was unoccupied for years and some mullet sporting guy would park his van in front of it and hang with his white trash buddies. The van had 'sex machine' written on the back window. Yes this crowd was a class act.
Still given the lack of entertainment out where no one had cable television the country store was the place to be. Kids my age would hang around the store in Jay and Silent Bob fashion and kill time. We'd sit and tell stories and watch the crowd around the sex machine van fight, smoke pot, and talk about how they've banged every girl in the area.
The day Shawn and I arrived at the country store seemed to be uneventful, but proved to be one of the most horrifying moments of my middle school years. I was standing at the refrigerator deciding on what soda I would soon be consuming when Bobbi came in. Ah yes Bobbi, one of the hottest girls I knew. She was a short blonde with blue eyes and knew I was into her, but too afraid to do anything about it. She would tease and flirt with me, but again at that age a woman had to hit me over the head with a 2x4 to make me realize they were available.
So Bobbi tried a new method of getting my attention. As her and her friends walked by they said hi and she pinched my ass. Yes I said pinched my ass. What Bobbi failed to realize is that I was feeling rather gassy that day and as she placed her fingers on my butt I farted all over her. She stopped, looked at me in shock, and I bolted out the door.
Shawn looked at me as I was passing him and asked what was going on. I put up my hand, mounted my bike, and did my best impression of Lance Armstrong home. Kids that age are cruel and I expected a lashing for it, but thankfully Bobbi kept that one to herself.
She and I never dated.
"Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time." - Lyndon B. Johnson