My brother in-law has a thing for bad horror films. He recommends them to me with almost a sadistic glee. So recently he decided that the wife and I sit down in front of the tube and watch 'Teeth', a girl power film about a teenage virgin with teeth in her vagina, who uses her gift to enact revenge on those who've wronged and/or voilated her. I'm sure every girl has wanted this talent at some point in their life.
I wisely decided this would not equate to a qaulity viewing experience with my wife, so I'm going to watch it alone and write a real-time review. As always, the un-edited results, complete with spoilers, are below:
9:40 AM 2/13/2011 A nice pan shot of a nuclear power plant. Not sure what that's supposed to mean. I still have trouble pronouncing nuclear correctly. Most of my life I said in a similar manner that our former President employed. It's about the only thing we two have in common, well that and our love for beer.
9:42 AM 2/13/2011 Well that was a disturbing scene. Supposedly this movie is about a girl with teeth in her vagina. A boy and a girl are playing in a white trash wading pool. Suddenly the boy has a cut on his finger. I do not like it.
9:43 AM 2/13/2011 I wonder how this script was pitched. I can see a man talking fast about his idea of a girl with genital mutilation in a room full of suits. Someone thought this would make for great entertainment.
9:44 AM 2/13/2011 Awe a lecture about how the loss of virginity is a gift. Why they didn't cast Bristol Palin is anyone's guess. This girl is talking about promise rings, and how she'll only trade it in when she gets a wedding ring.
9:46 AM 2/13/2011 Hearing speeches from older men about the evils of masterbation is as pleasant as watching a porn starring Roseanne.
9:50 AM 2/13/2011 There's a half naked step-brother shooting a pellet gun at something. He's got ugly tatoos.
9:51 AM 2/13/2011 Awe the poor virgin is the source of mockery. Yeah it's too be expected in movies like this.
9:52 AM 2/13/2011 I'm watching a sex ed class that has medical drawing of the vagina censored. Does this take place in Texas?
9:54 AM 2/13/2011 The older step-brother from the previously mentioned pool scene is showing his finger scar to his skank of the week. The plot, it doth thicken.
9:58 AM 2/13/2011 This is a first in movies when a guy tries to feed his girl a dog treat. Truly the mark of great cinema.
9:58 AM 2/13/2011 I remember girls like her in high school who preached the good word of keeping your panties under lock and key. Sometimes I wonder if they just wanted to name any excuse not to sleep with me
10:07 AM 2/13/2011 Wife called. I love her for she's never openly expressed to me how she'd like to cut off my manhood. Well that and many other things.
10:08 AM 2/13/2011 The virgin is getting horny. For whatever reason thunderstorms and old sci-fi films really do it for her. Awe she's imagining her wedding night with her dweeby looking love interest, only to be interrupted by an image of a mutant scorpion.
10:14 AM 2/13/2011 The poor teacher is trying to teach evolution and how it benefits survival.
10:15 AM 2/13/2011 Why is it that the first bit of gratudious nudity involves naked man ass?
10:15 AM 2/13/2011 I'm glad I didn't have a cell phone in high school. I wouldn't have to be broken up with while I'm naked in a locker room with a bunch of man ass surrounding me.
10:17 AM 2/13/2011 The virgin is trying to have a serious talk with her older pot smoking loser of a step brother. He's making fun of her and her virginity as to be expected.
10:18 AM 2/13/2011 Surprisingly this girl is doing a far better job of acting than this script should allot.
10:19 AM 2/13/2011 She's wearing a shirt now that says 'Warning, sex changes everything'. I don't think it would have the effect she's going for.
10:20 AM 2/13/2011 Awe the virgin and her dweeby boyfriend are staring at each other in their swimsuits. Young love is such a grand thing.
10:20 AM 2/13/2011 Really little has happened since the opening credits.
10:21 AM 2/13/2011 I kind of feel for Captain Dweeb. He seems like a nice chap as does she. At some point he's going to unravel the mystery that is the Jaws vagina, and this shall not end well for him.
10:24 AM 2/13/2011 Virgin and Captain Dweeb are making out. She's resisting reminding him of his sacred promise. Damnit. Captain Dweeb is turning into a madman. He just cried out stating that he hasn't jerked off since Easter. I'm not a prude or anything, but wouldn't jerking off on the day of Christ's resurrection be a sin of the highest order?
10:26 AM 2/13/2011 Well captain dweeb has indeed forced himself on the virgin and has paid a terrible price. His manhood is now residing in a cave next to a swimming hole. The close up of his dismembered junk wasn't really necessary.
10:28 AM 2/13/2011 One would assume if a guy suddenly lost his penis to the gaping teeth of a vagina one would pick it up and run to the hospital. Perhaps I'm different.
10:31 AM 2/13/2011 She seems to be handling rape that ends with a severed penis rather well.
10:33 AM 2/13/2011 I don't care what they're saying, kids chanting anything is creepy.
10:35 AM 2/13/2011 The music is some of the worst I've ever heard.
10:36 AM 2/13/2011 Another dude asked the ex-virgin out. She replied that is was funny, but apologized. He just got punched by the step-brother.
10:37 AM 2/13/2011 The victim now returns to the scene of the crime. His penis is till there being food for a crab. Yes that just happened.
10:38 AM 2/13/2011 She's now taking off her promise ring and dropping it off a cliff. Because I'm so starved for entertainment I was kind of hoping that the Top Gun theme would play in the background.
10:40 AM 2/13/2011 She's now getting to the bottom of this mystery thanks to the joys of the internet. Remember when bad movies of old would have teens sitting around a library? Those were the days.
10:41 AM 2/13/2011 Oh dear. She's now at the doctor's office, who had terrible landscaping.
10:42 AM 2/13/2011 This poor doctor. Eight years of schooling to find the greatest medical find ever. Sure enough ex-virgin can't tell him what's going on down there. She's too shy to say it and lets him examine her.
10:45 AM 2/13/2011 Oh my he's went all 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle on Her'. I'm so glad I'm a guy.
10:45 AM 2/13/2011 Is every guy in this movie a complete asshole?
10:46 AM 2/13/2011 So this girl's agent said to her you'll play someone who's vagina dismembers the fingers and penises of men who attempt to take advantage of you. She said 'Yay I'm going to be a movie star!'
10:51 AM 2/13/2011 She's cursed with something called 'Vagina Dentada'. It sounds like 'Akuna Matada'.
10:52 AM 2/13/2011 She's confessed her Jaws vagina to a guy who has a crush on her. He decided to try and seduce her by lighting candles and being really nice. I hope he loses his junk. Someone that stupid deserves to be taken out of the gene pool.
10:55 AM 2/13/2011 She's falling for the seduction and after two tramatic experiences decides intercourse is a splendid idea. Actually it seemed to go very well.
10:59 AM 2/13/2011 So apparently her vagina can be welcoming at times. Only when it's violated does it seem to react poorly.
11:00 AM 2/13/2011 So the guy crush is a bad person after all.
11:01 AM 2/13/2011 Yeah, seeing another severed penis is an image I really didn't need.
11:03 AM 2/13/2011 No. I do not need to see penis reattachement surgery. No I do not.
11:07 AM 2/13/2011 The plot thickens even deeper. Apparently the white trash step brother let the mother die. So now it's time for revenge. What better way to employ this than with a little genital mutilation?
11:11 AM 2/13/2011 Yes she's sleeping with her step-brother. It's going to get even more surreal.
11:12 AM 2/13/2011 Revenge is a dish best served with a side of dismembered penis.
11:12 AM 2/13/2011 This is far more graphic than it needs to be.
11:13 AM 2/13/2011 Apparently dogs like Penis & Bits.
11:16 AM 2/13/2011 The girl is leaving town with her Jaws vagina. An old creepy guy has picked her up. He's locked her in the car. She gives him a seductive look. Roll credits.
11:17 AM 2/13/2011 Well that was a painful experience.
11:21 AM 2/13/2011 Line from the credits: "No man was harmed during the making of this film."
For a dark comedy/horror film it wasn't that bad. If you truly want to see how long you can keep your legs crossed for an hour and a half then this movie is for you.
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"After Dawn comes to understand her remarkable genital gift, it's pretty much one can-you-top-this gross-out scene after another." - Andrew O'Hehir