People who know me, and those who've been reading this blog since day one, know that when I was at the tender age of eight a life changing moment occurred. On a Tuesday night I turned on the television and a sitcom was playing. The show was 'Who's the Boss'.
Yes it was a sitcom that changed everything for me as I got my first glimpse of Alyssa Milano. I made a decree that I would marry that girl one day. Sadly as I grew older a sense of realism finally got up with me and I realized that she probably wouldn't agree to be joined with me in matrimony. That was a depressing day indeed.
What has this got to do with bad movies I love you say? Well I'm glad you asked.
I was in the video store years ago browsing the shelves when I came across a copy of Poison Ivy 2: Lily. It had Alyssa on the cover so I thought I'd give it a shot. Couldn't be any worse than Double Dragon.
I brought it home and announced to my roommate Corey that I had the movie. He informed me that he heard she was naked in the film. We decided it would be a good idea to watch it immediately.
Now Corey's not that much of a fan of Alyssa, but he seemed as intrigued as I was of the fact that she might be at least topless for this role. I put the tape in the VCR and gathered myself to experience a film that felt enough wasn't said in the first Poison Ivy.
The fact that I stated the video player was a VCR should indicate how long ago this was, but I'll try and sort out what this horrible film was about. Alyssa plays Lily, an art student at some college who comes across Ivy's, the main character from the first film, diary. In it she reads about how Ivy portrayed herself as a princess to some family, but secretly her desire was to destroy them. Lily is intrigued by these writings and suddenly develops a split personality. One being a sweet wholesome student, the other being a sex object.
Lily lived with a few roommates. One was a lesbian and another was some studly guy who kept sleeping with her. The other was some Asian guy who never spoke. Corey and I started giving our own back story to the Asian guy, calling him Wang Fu. We figured at the end he would break out numchucks and whoop ass on the bad guy, but we still weren't sure who the antagonist was at that point.
Yes we're quite the epitome of cultural sensitivity.
Anyways some creepy art professor becomes obsessed with Lily, which I guess I could understand. For reasons that escape me she plays upon his obsession by having him paint her nude. Yes the girl gets naked on film multiple times. I thanked each and every god for that glorious day that I finally gazed upon the glory that is Alyssa sans clothing. I know most of you reading this will roll their eyes and dismiss me as some sort of pervert and really you'd be correct in doing so.
The professor and the studly guy get into a fight over Lily's affection. Professor dude storms into the Lily's place and Wang Fu shows up. Corey and I were really excited about Wang kicking some academic ass, but sadly all he did was tell him that the police were coming. Professor then threw him down the stairs. Both of us sat in shock as we saw Wang tumble to his demise. Rather anti climatic considering the whole scenario Corey and I gave the character.
As you've just read I don't remember much of the details of the film other then Alyssa disrobing a few times, but I do recall the movie being god awful. The acting was at times atrocious, the plot made little sense, and the dialogue was written by someone with a sixth grade reading level.
You know what? I'll watch it again.
"I feel a lot healthier when I'm having sex. Physically. I feel all these jitters when I wake up in the morning. Just energy jitters. I take vitamins, I work out every day. When I'm having sex, I don't have that." - Alyssa Milano