"Movies cannot be complete donkey shit." Thus sayeth the first rule of my movie reviews. Sadly some have chose to ignore this. Last review was of the miserable dreck that is 'The Human Centipede' and tonight I bring you a film requested by Mattbear, who wanted it done in the same style, real-time babbling.
So I set aside rule number one to accomodate Mattbear's request and the results are below, unedited, for your pleasure, a review of Bitch Slap:
7:31 PM 1/24/2011 Bombshell Pictures is the company responsible for this. The logo has a WWII bomber with a Betty-esque painting on the front of it. I suppose they thought this was clever. I think it's an affront to every veteran bomber who's ever served. Okay that may be a sretch.
7:33 PM 1/24/2011 No credits yet, just a scantily clad bleeding female surrounded by the wreckage of a flaming car, because what else would be appropriate?
7:34 PM 1/24/2011 Interesting. Credits are spliced with 'girl power' films. Yes there is Faster Pussycat Kill Kill.
7:34 PM 1/24/2011 Tootsie? Really?
7:35 PM 1/24/2011 There's something really hilarious about a girl in a swimsuit dancing next to a stove while holding a frying pan and balancing food in it. You had to have been there. Then again maybe it's lucky you're not.
7:35 PM 1/24/2011 Girls in slow motion exiting a vehicle. This movie stars a lot of cleavage.
7:37 PM 1/24/2011 If you're trying to kill someone who resides in a trailer in the middle of a desert, odds are they best be left alone. Their life is more hellish than any kind of torture you can implement.
7:38 PM 1/24/2011 I'm seriously watching a movie that involves three women who are holding a man captive. That man is wearing skimpy underwear with a tiger on the front of it.
7:40 PM 1/24/2011 A flashback already? I'm guessing this is not entirely necessary to the plot.
7:40 PM 1/24/2011 This has some of the worst green screening since The Sound of Thunder.
7:42 PM 1/24/2011 I've done no research for this film besides watching the trailer. Judging by the visuals and the dialogue I think it's either based on a comic book or it's really really awful or both.
7:44 PM 1/24/2011 This is obviously some kind of Russ Meyer tribute, but it doesn't have the quality of any one of his films. I say that without sarcasm.
7:45 PM 1/24/2011 Another flashback. Awe isn't the director cute? He thinks non-linear story telling makes this film more entertaining. I wish I could pat him on the head.
7:46 PM 1/24/2011 I just watched a stripper dressed as a nurse lift the penis of a native African statue.
7:48 PM 1/24/2011 And we have another flashback. This is getting annoying.
7:50 PM 1/24/2011 With all the cleavage and such I know if I were 12 I'd sing the praises of the film as if it were Citizen Kane.
7:51 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh finally some semblance of a plot.
7:53 PM 1/24/2011 It doesn't make me happy that the first bit of nudity I see in this film is of a man's ass.
7:54 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh yes. A cleavage montage. I used to consider myself a man obsessed with breasts, but that's nothing surprising because I'm a straight man. Maybe I'm getting older but seeing women in slow motion all scantily clad doesn't have the effect it used to. Maybe if they started kissing I would enjoy this more.
7:56 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh the clueless cop. He pulls up and sees three women exposing more skin than your average tropical native and doesn't find anything suspicious.
7:58 PM 1/24/2011 Ha. The cops' name is Fuchs. Sounds like 'Fukes', but spelled 'Fuchs'. Oh such comedy not seen since that first Fockers movie.
8:00 PM 1/24/2011 I kind of like the cop. He's not that dumb. I do hope he survives this.
8:02 PM 1/24/2011 Strippers with automatic weapons. This sounds like the perfect strip club for Texas.
8:05 PM 1/24/2011 This movie has everyone a man with no brain and more testosterone than a horny bull could want. Lesbians fighting, cleavage, weapons of all kinds, and...holy shit she just took a jumper cable to the man's testicles. Well at least he didn't do the cliche thing and talk like a chipmunk.
8:08 PM 1/24/2011 Now the three have suddenly no urgency to dig up their treasure before a mobster comes and slaughters them. They decide to have a water fight instead. In slow motion no less. There's more jiggling going on here than a workout session of The Biggest Loser. This kinda makes me happy.
8:10 PM 1/24/2011 For god's sake its' Kevin Sorbo.
8:11 PM 1/24/2011 They seriously said the word 'hiney'. I can only imagine this was written by an eight year old.
8:11 PM 1/24/2011 The corpse they just dug up kind of looks like Kevin Bacon. I have no idea what these three girls are talking about. I know it's supposed to be essential to the plot, but really does this need any story at all?
8:14 PM 1/24/2011 Finally two of the girls are having sex. Well fully clothed sex. Of course this does nothing to advance the plot. I choose not to ask the difficult questions.
8:16 PM 1/24/2011 The third girl is pissed off about being left out of the lesbian activity, mostly because she's in a relationship with one of them. One would think there's only one good solution, but instead she wields a gun. Hell hath no fury like an angry lipstick lesbian who's well versed with handguns.
8:20 PM 1/24/2011 Of course they had to write in an asian lady in a catholic school girl outfit.
8:22 PM 1/24/2011 This is the third time I've heard the phrase 'dry fucking' used instead of 'bull shitting'.
8:23 PM 1/24/2011 I've lost count of how many flashback scenes have taken place. The number of flashback scenes that have been essential to the plot = zero.
8:25 PM 1/24/2011 Hahah. The prison guards say 'inmate 1138'. Yes the screenwriters are a fan of Star Wars, or George Lucas at least. Yes I'm a geek. Sad that was the most amusing thing spoken thus far.
8:26 PM 1/24/2011 It's hard to keep up with just how many fucked up things are taking place in front of me.
8:29 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh the valiant cop shows up to save the day. You know this is unrealistic when a cop says 'drop the weapon' more than twice without unloading into the suspect.
8:30 PM 1/24/2011 The slutty asian woman has a deadly yo-yo. Just let that sink in for a bit.
8:32 PM 1/24/2011 I just noticed that the tough girl's name is Camaro. I once owned a Camaro. When I was in high school the stereotype was that girls that drive Camaros are complete whores. I have no idea where I'm going with this.
8:34 PM 1/24/2011 Awe this cop is a fan of the stripper's work and is explaining how much of a fan he is. She thinks it's sweet that he takes such an interest in seeing her dance around naked. Yeah it's so hard getting guys to like seeing naked women work a pole. The cop knows she has a heart of gold and is appealing to her maternal instincts.
8:37 PM 1/24/2011 The plot is truly unraveling in a manner that you would expect.
8:37 PM 1/24/2011 I'm watching nuns confess to each other. Now there's oral in a confessional. Awe how cute. The tough chick was once a nun who rebelled.
8:40 PM 1/24/2011 Even as a tribute film this sucks. Kill Bill this is not.
8:42 PM 1/24/2011 For as much scantily clad women as there are in this movie, and the fact that it says 'Unrated' in the title, there's surprisingly little nudity.
8:43 PM 1/24/2011 Is this the moment of truth? I can't really tell. Seriously I'm unsure of this movie will be over yet. I'll give the girls this, they fight convincingly. Seriously the fight choreography is really good.
8:46 PM 1/24/2011 The only way this film could appeal to slack jawed men any more is if between fighting and showing off cleavage the women would make sub sandwiches.
8:50 PM 1/24/2011 A German in leiderhosen fighting a woman in a sexy winter bikini on the top of the Alps, this is the scene that is taking place before me and is far sillier than my limited vocabulary can explain.
8:53 PM 1/24/2011 Apparently the moment of truth hasn't happened yet.
8:54 PM 1/24/2011 Awe. Lipstick lesbian dreams of bliss are being shared.
8:54 PM 1/24/2011 I know this movie doesn't take itself seriously in any way, but even this is too much for me. This movie is like the John Woo of bitchploitation cinema, only without the doves.
8:55 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh this might be the moment of truth.
8:56 PM 1/24/2011 One girl just bit another girls vagina. This is a first for cinema I believe.
8:57 PM 1/24/2011 The stripper has as much use in this as Daphne in Scooby Doo.
9:00 PM 1/24/2011 Rape is still disturbing regardless of which gender the participants, willing and otherwise, are.
9:01 PM 1/24/2011 The cop kind of reminds me of a poor man's Bruce Campbell right now.
9:05 PM 1/24/2011 A midget stripper firing an automatic weapon....folks it doesn't get any better than this.
9:08 PM 1/24/2011 This movie has more twists than a Shaymalan film, or all of his films combined. None of which are interesting or surprising.
9:11 PM 1/24/2011 How exactly did she hide that there?
9:12 PM 1/24/2011 It takes a special kind of white trash to design and build a hearse into a muscle car.
9:12 PM 1/24/2011 The last line of this film is 'last one there's a rotten egg'. I'm sure it's referencing something I'm missing, but I don't care. I'm sure there's many references in this film that are in no way interesting.
9:13 PM 1/24/2011 Credits are rolling with images of the lower torsos of women shaking it. It's at least comprehensible.
9:15 PM 1/24/2011 The credits are trying to be clever and are failing.
9:15 PM 1/24/2011 If I were better versed in Russ Meyer films I may enjoy this. Probably not. Wait? This footage at the end credits is all girls showing off in front of web cam. Ok that's kind of funny.
Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"The latest proof that calculated camp in the form of homage is nearly impossible to pull off." - Ernest Hardy