Jul 18, 2008

Wiwille assualts women, ends poorly

Years ago I was involved in a relationship that lets just say was unhealthy. The girl I was seeing was an angry one who was loaded with daddy issues and a string of ex-boyfriends who scorned her. She was a jealous sort who didn't like the idea of me being out of her sight claiming I was cheating on her at every opportunity.

One evening I wanted a guy's night out. A few friends were upset that I wasn't spending too much time with them so I threw a little get together where me and the boys would hang at my place. When I told this to my then girlfriend she was none too happy and proceeded to throw a fit on the phone. After patiently listening to her scream at me and accuse me of infidelity I told her to grow up and hung up the phone.

This did not have the desired effect I was hoping for.

A few hours went by as a few guys and myself were sitting around enjoying our beer. It was a pretty quiet evening as we just sat and listened to music and just had normal guy chatter. A rapping at the lock came upon the door and suddenly she waltzed in. She stopped and observed us for a moment, then slammed the door and proceeded to scream at me. She was accusing all of us of being drunkards (which wasn't too much of a stretch) and how we were a bunch of pigs. She went on to yell about how she believed we were hiding girls somewhere and started searching the place.

I went after her in an attempt to calm her down, but I failed miserably. I only made her more angry and her behavior became more irrational as she opened drawers and was throwing the contents on the floor. She was looking for midget floozies apparently.

Finally her display of wanton bitchiness came to a close. After ordering her out of the place numerous times she finally consented, but not before flinging various profanities at me. She strutted through the living room ready to make her exit. Her back was turned to me as I made a pretend kick at her butt. As I lifted my right foot my left one slipped causing an inadvertent connection of my foot on her ass. Making matters worse the connection to her butt made her fart loudly.

Everyone freezes in position no matter what they were doing. Gasps were heard. No good can come from this.

She turns around grabbing her own butt. Her face started to glow red as her body shook with fury. Her fists started to clench and I knew what was coming next. I just left my hands at my side and took a closed fist jab to the jaw.

See this is the thing I can't figure out about that night. She barges in and proceeds to embarrass me and herself throwing a tantrum and ransacking my home. Still I believed that because I tapped her in the butt with my foot I deserved a punch to the jaw.

I take a couple steps back and look at her. She was still visibly angry, but quiet which was a nice change. I grabbed her by the arm and escorted her to her car. I made it clear I never wanted to hear or see her again. The insults and screaming started to take place again as she let me and the rest of North America understand how much of an asshole I am.

She called the next day asking if we could work it out. I told her there would be no chance of that ever happening. That was the glorious end to a two month relationship.

"If you give me any problem in America I can trace it down to domestic violence. It is the cradle of most of the problems, economic, psychological, educational." - Salma Hayek


whatigotsofar said...

After several attempts to write down what I think you should have done to that woman, I've given up. No matter how I write it, I come across as some guy who is in favour of beating up women.

But the sex musta been good though.

Mizzle said...

'With the way they fight, the make-up sex must be amazing'

Also two month relationship and she had a key to your place?

Miss Ash said...

Clearly you need some lessons in picking nice young ladies as partners LOL!

The kick was unneccesary ... meanie!

Claire said...

oh my. She farted?



mungsprout said...

She was quite the freak I have to admit. I highly enjoy this story :)

Princess Kitten said...

Is this who I think it is?

It's women like this who make me look sane. ;) Thank you crazy women everywhere!!

Big Ben said...

Great story. Sounds like a grade-A weirdo. I bet you did have some chicks coming over your dog.

grace said...

So if they weren't in the drawers, where were the midget floozies hidden?

JLee said...

You animal! haha
The fart thing cracked me up...

Anonymous said...

Anger mismanagement R Us.... I love the laundry list screamers. The "I'm going to vent about everything you, or anyone else has done to make me angry over the last x# of years" screamers. It only gets better the longer you know them too. LOL