Feb 13, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day!

I know a lot of people hate this day, but it always was memorable for me whether I was single or not. I'll be spending my Valentine's Day at work unfortunately, but I'll be celebrating it later this week with the Pretty Girl.

So what should a single guy do on this day? I've decided to compose a list.

1. Porn.
2. Drink heavily and drunk dial all ex-girlfriends and tell them you're out with a hot Latin American supermodel who's into public displays of nudity. After hanging up admit you're pathetic, but creative.
3. If drunk dialed by ex-girlfriend stay calm. Do not antagonize, lead on, or give in to their threats, lame attempts to make you jealous, or pleas to get back together.
4. Ignore all calls from mom.
5. Get together with single friends in a "I Hate Valentine's Day" get together. Drink heavily and don't be the first to pass out. Get together should be held at sports bars and/or strip clubs.
6. Play Calvinball.
7. Don't watch Dr Phil, Oprah, Tyra, etc. You shouldn't be watching them anyways pansy boy.
8. Play a manly sport such as paintball, hockey, or boxing.
9. Stay out of jail.
10. If you run into an ex who's out with the guy she dumped you for do not get violent. You'd do the same thing and you know it. Pity him would be the best emotion.
11. If a female friend calls you for a booty call...well...use your best judgment.
12. Don't dwell on your small penis. Not everyone is hung like Tommy Lee, cept for me of course...yeah...well onto #13 then.
13. Stop looking in the mirror girly boy. Yes you're fat. Hit the gym tubby man. I'll be seeing you there trying to work off my beer belly.
14. Don't think about your friends who are out with a hottie.
15. Fight Club.

Yeah maybe that's not the best advice. So I'm no Dan Savage. Sue me.

"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself." - Robert Orben

1 comment:

jinsane said...

Laugh Out F**KIN' Loud!!!!!