Jan 19, 2011

Wiwille's movie reviews part 75.

It's been over a year since my last movie review, but tonight I finally got the chance to finish one of the last two requests I've received. Still this will be different than any other review I've done as I wrote it in real time. I've even time stamped the comments through the viewing of the film.

What movie could I possibly be referring to? Well it's none other than "The Human Centipede" requested by The Tad. I post this un-edited for your enjoyment or source of mockery. It was actually fun to write, even though the viewing experience was less than pleasant. Let's jump to Wiwille's first ever real time review, what do you say? Beware for there are spoilers.

8:07 PM 1/19/2011 I start up the movie. Something keeps telling me to back out of this review, but I'm loyal. The fonts for the opening credits are what you'd expect from a movie on this budget.

8:08 PM 1/19/2011 Friggin netflix is adjusting to the internet speed.

8:08 PM 1/19/2011 Already starting off creepy. A zombie Lance Hendrickson look alike staring at dog photos.

8:10 PM 1/19/2011 Already our first kill followed by the title. This is the first sequence apparently. Wow, the movie going public will be graced with more high brow cinema.

8:10 PM 1/19/2011 These girls do look like the type you may see at a KMFDM concert.

8:11 PM 1/19/2011 Awe. One's in love. Will the faceless love interest be the hero to these damsels in distress? One may only hope.

8:12 PM 1/19/2011 She seriously asked what a tire blowing out was? This worldly girl was unaware of the sound a flat tire makes? And she asked in that slow bad acting kind of way too. "What....was that?" Truly the mark of a great screenplay.

8:14 PM 1/19/2011 They need to switch to Verizon.

8:14 PM 1/19/2011 Two American girls who travel to Europe and rent a car have no idea how to change a tire, nor make any attempt at doing so.

8:15 PM 1/19/2011 Awe how sweet. A fat perverted German who gets off on speaking in an ungentlemanly fashion to tourists. I bet Mrs Wiwille will be so upset I watched this without her.

8:17 PM 1/19/2011 I know these are fictional characters and all, but ask yourself this readers: If you're faced with a broken down car in the middle of the Black Forest do you a) walk down the road hoping to find help, b) walk into the depth of a forest that you're completley unfamiliar with? If you chose 'b' I forsee in your future a swift removal from the gene pool.

8:20 PM 1/19/2011 They still have yet to check their cell phones for a signal since the fateful moment their car got a flat.

8:21 PM 1/19/2011 Zombie Lance Hendrickson now looks like Stacy Keach after a year of doing meth.

8:21 PM 1/19/2011 Now the girls really look like someone you'd see at a KMFDM concert, except they wear less black.

8:22 PM 1/19/2011 My mother told me never to step into the strange home that's occupied by a German. Those crafty devils are always up to something.

8:23 PM 1/19/2011 Ahh. Netflix goes black, adjusts to bandwith again.

8:24 PM 1/19/2011 Wait, he put roofies in the girls' water? Wouldn't they taste that from the start? Not that I know anything about them....

8:25 PM 1/19/2011 You'd think he'd start with the creepy act after they consumed the water. He was absent the day of 'lure your prey into your secret labratory' in Creepy doctoring 101.

8:26 PM 1/19/2011 I can't tell if this will be just a bad horror film or the start of the greatest porn of all time.

8:27 PM 1/19/2011 So it was roofies!

8:28 PM 1/19/2011 He finds the vein much quicker than any nurse I've ever encountered.

8:29 PM 1/19/2011 So the German hunter is alive after all. That's great. I bet he was hunting hasenpfeffer! I've always wanted an excuse to include the word hasenpfeffer on this blog and now I finally have my chance. Happy day.

8:32 PM 1/19/2011 One has to question why a brilliant, albeit insane, doctor would go through the trouble of burying a body in his backyard. Couldn't he use lye or something? Just seems like a lot of work and a good way to leave evidence behind. We all know the Germans are well versed in body disposal, but do human remains make for good fertilizer or something? I can't believe I'm typing this.

8:36 PM 1/19/2011 He's more thorough in telling his evil plans to his victims than any Bond villian in history.

8:36 PM 1/19/2011 The doctor's mother never told him that you never go ass to mouth (zing).

8:37 PM 1/19/2011 I'm kind of disappointed that the Japanese guy is speaking Japanese. It would be funny to hear German being spoke with an Asian accent. Yes I'm right now that starved for entertainment while watching a movie no less.

8:40 PM 1/19/2011 I blame Bugs Bunny and Hogan's Heroes for the fact that whenever I hear the German language, or English spoken with a German accent, I always think they're plotting something.

8:42 PM 1/19/2011 I'm no master of arms, but wouldn't banging the glass out of a window with the barrel of a rifle seem like a good way to be the recipient of a Darwin Award?

8:45 PM 1/19/2011 The doctor said "game over" for no apparent reason. At least I think it was game over. I can't really tell.

8:47 PM 1/19/2011 My brother in-law's fiance describe this movie as gross. He recommended that I watch this. I now think he hates me. We have tentative plans to go hunting together. This won't end well.

8:49 PM 1/19/2011 I will give it this, the cinematographer's use of color is actually a highlight. No seriously.

8:52 PM 1/19/2011 Due to the magic of Facebook I found out my friend Leif is watching this, because he wants to.

8:55 PM 1/19/2011 For the love of all that is holy and good the big reveal shot is now upon me. The doctor is now examining his work. I wonder why he put the Japanese guy at the front. He was the one screaming the most. I bet the actresses fired their agents immediately after this shoot. I hope they got paid a lot of money having their face buried in another person's ass.

8:59 PM 1/19/2011 Until right now I used to consider myself someone with a pretty strong constitution when it comes to things of this nature.

9:01 PM 1/19/2011 See Heir doctor, you could've had a much easier time breaking through the language barrier if you put one of the girls up front. You're not so smart after all.

9:03 PM 1/19/2011 I'm saddened to report that right now is the best line delivery the actresses have yet to display.

9:05 PM 1/19/2011 When I first heard the concept of this film I figured the doctor would do something cool like fuse together all three of their central nervous systems.

9:12 PM 1/19/2011 Does every bad horror movie have an inevitable villain meets cops scene? And do the cops always seem suspicious. but never act on their better instinct? Yes you say? Oh.

9:15 PM 1/19/2011 My personal hell will be the eternal screams of German people.

9:20 PM 1/19/2011 I'm unsure as to what has just transpired.

9:21 PM 1/19/2011 The Japanese guy rocks, but is poorly trained in how to kill someone using only your teeth.

9:22 PM 1/19/2011 I just realized that I have no idea what the characters' names are. I'm naming the girl in the middle Olga.

9:23 PM 1/19/2011 So this is what the whole torture porn genre is all about.

9:24 PM 1/19/2011 Finally a moment of suspense, but what I'm really upset about is that I'm watching this absurd film and it doesn't have any gratuitous nudity that can in any way be viewed as hot. If you do think the nudity in this film turns you on in any manner then I hope to never meet you under any circumstance.

9:26 PM 1/19/2011 Never bring a shard of glass to a scalpel fight.

9:28 PM 1/19/2011 I have no idea what the Japanese guy is going on about. He seems to be waxing philo...holy hell he's no longer with us. Didn't see that coming. Poor bastard, but actually I'd want to off myself if I was part of this production as well.

9:31 PM 1/19/2011 Has the torture porn genre always been this devoid of scares? Is it sad that I kind of wish the cops would start goose stepping around the doctor's place?

9:33 PM 1/19/2011 See Japanese guy. If you only held on to hope and not offed yourself you could be walking amongst the living and the girls may have given you a sympathy BJ. Girls with no teeth no less. But no you had to be selfish and stick glass directly into your throat. Now Olga and her friend are dying and it's all your damn fault. You will go down in history as the man who died with a girl's mouth sewed to his ass. Well done you.

9:36 PM 1/19/2011 Credits rolling. I'm exhausted. I make a mental list of everyone involved in this. I want to fight them.

9:39 PM 1/19/2011 Credits are done. It should come as no surprise to you that I hated it, but what is a shock is how boring it was. Really after the big reveal little happened that doesn't in almost every other horror, sans the feces eating.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"There are terrible movies and there are loathsome movies. And then there's that rare breed so idiotic, exploitative and sickening one wishes they could be scrubbed from memory." - Michael Ordona.

6 comments:

wigsf3 said...

Did you credit the cinematography of a person named Goof? The cinematographer's name is Goof. Goof!

JLee said...

I thought about seeing this simply for the shock factor, but now I can skip it. lol I enjoyed the "play by play" style of the review. ha

Jeffhar said...

Here is a thought to haunt your dreams. There is already a porn parody: The Human Sexipede. Don't ask how I know this.

Miss Ash said...

I've never even heard of this film.....

Mattbear said...

I challenge you to do a similar review with the movie "Bitch Slap".

Anonymous said...

I've often felt a sneaking sympathy for movie reviewers, given the number of crap films thay have to watch as their job, but you do it voluntarily... ; )