What they don't tell you.

Since the announcement of my wife's pregnancy I've been inundated with all kinds of advice ranging from eating habits to conflict resolution. While I appreciate any and all wisdom being passed down to me, thankfully I've had it really easy. She hasn't had many weird cravings nor has a disposition of a Mongol warrior, but there's one aspect of carrying a baby that few warned me about and that's sleep deprivation.

Women carrying a child don't normally sleep well and that equates to the husband having a difficult time with slumber. My wife has to stay hydrated more than your average marathon runner, so in turn she uses the bathroom about every ten minutes. When she wakes up my nerves rattle and my blood pressure skyrockets to that of a juiced up pro-wrestler. After it's obvious she just needs a visit to the restroom I calm down and calculate in my head how much she's distributing as I imagine our water bill costing about as much as our mortgage payment. I swear sometimes in one night she could fill an Olympic sized pool.

Most of the time she gets up I do, but I rarely recall such events. As she's exhausted she goes to bed at an early hour, but even when I nod off at an early time I wake up feeling like I've had two hours of sleep. Lately I've been springing from deep REM and having nonsensical conversations with her. Let's take a look at those discussions that she's documented on her Facebook shall we?

Conversation #1:

Erik: Sorry, am I keeping you up?
Kelly: No, why?
Erik: We were looking at paint samples
Kelly: No, honey you are dreaming. I am glad we aren't looking at paint samples.
Erik: Oh, ok. I swear we were. (Rolls back over)

Conversation #2:

Erik: (Sits up in bed)
Kelly: Babe, are you ok?
Erik: Yes, I am just leveling out.
Kelly: You are what?
Erik: I am just leveling out.
Kelly: (confused) Why are you leveling out?
Erik: It is the law of physics.
Kelly: Go back to bed, you are dreaming again.
Erik: Okay.

I have no earthly idea what I was dreaming about before I decided to engage in such illiterate discourse, which is a shame. I normally remember all my dreams, but lately this hasn't happened. I'm afraid of what I'll do if I have one of my violent dreams where I'm fighting alongside Henry V.

"In the pregnancy process I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. She's got a construction zone going on in her belly." - Al Roker