These are a few of my favorite things...

Those of you who know me know there is nothing that I enjoy more then hot women and beer. These two elements are the key ingredients for a happy life. To hell with nice cars, expensive electronics, and football. All I really need to keep me smiling is a pint of Guinness and Maxim models.

I believe this is an evolutionary byproduct of the ancients. To prove my thesis archaeologists have found a brewery in Peru that was staffed by women chosen because of beauty and/or nobility. This 1,000 year old site was ran by the Wari empire. This even predates the Inca empire.

These people were truly gifted. Why this isn't happening today I don't know. Upon learning this I imagine PC will dreaming about resurrecting this soon. If he needs an investor I'll be happy to oblige. I can't imagine a better gold mine then giving tours of hotties mixing fine beer. Glorious.

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

In ancient Peru, women made the beer

Mad Mormon makes misguided muddle.

People take offense to a lot of things. Nudity offends most prudes. Violence offends most pacifists. Religious intolerance offends most people of a spiritual constitution. I find people who find themselves funny in work meetings offensive.

However unpleasant the current stimuli may be most people wouldn't risk death to avoid it. Sure there have been times when I've thought about stabbing myself in the throat with my keys while sitting through the last 'Matrix' film, but I reasoned against such an action. There was a man who decided not to listen to conventional wisdom and put his life on the line to avoid an inflammatory argument.

Tyler Poulson, a member of the LDS church who recently returned from a mission, was none to happy about the current dialogue being exchanged in a car he was riding in. He protested the foul language being used and said he would step out of the moving vehicle so he wouldn't be within earshot of the vehicles occupants. When dared Tyler opened the door and stepped out ensuring he would never have to hear a naughty word again. Police ruled him dead at the scene.

Moral of the story? Besides "Don't be a friggin idiot" I do believe the "No matter how offensive something may seem, it's easier to deal with then death," would be appropriate.

Yes I imagine he will be up for a Darwin Award.

"We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified." - Graham Chapman

Man Jumped From Truck Following Argument

Weird crushes.

So I have a lot of crushes that most people deem strange. I have a wild infatuation with cute comedians, or women that are funny in general. Hot news anchors/reporters get me going to.

Sarah Silverman and Janeane Garofalo do it for me. Yes you read that right. I said Janeane Garofalo. I don't understand it myself sometimes. Sarah gets jealous when I mention her. Perhaps I need to let Janeane out of my basement sometime before the police start asking questions.

Any hot woman involved in politics has been a fantasy as well. Again the reasoning escapes me so I just go with it. I'll have to accept the fact that most of my tastes, whether they be movies, books, or even women, are usually not grounded in any logic.

Damn I'm a really shallow person.

"I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest." - Janeane Garofalo

Video of Melissa Theuriau
Janeane Garofalo
Sarah Silverman

T.O. seeks help from the 'holy'.

Civil rights activist, spiritual leader, NFL adversary, and media whore Jesse Jackson has decided to step in and make his opinion known about the Terrel Owens suspension. Never one to miss an opportunity to grab a headline or truly believe that we give a good shit what he thinks, Jackson met with T.O. and came away believing that the former Eagles wide receiver is deeply sincere about his remorse for his actions and words.

The Reverend also believes the punishment is too severe, which if you read his statement it does sound like he has a point. The statement does refer to the comments made by Owens recently; however he does not address the brawling in the locker room or the fact this is certainly not the first time T.O. has trash talked to the media about the Eagles organization. Nice of you to leave that out Jackson.

Jackson's never been a fan of the NFL. He's been calling for boycotts of the company for years because they don't employ enough black coaches. Lets forget the fact that there are very few black coaches who apply and a business like the NFL would definitely rather discriminate then produce a winning team and make millions. After all large businesses hate making lots of money. I wonder if Jesse thinks football owners sit around a table while the commissioner spews his talking points dressed in a confederate uniform.

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Jesse Jackson

Rev. Jackson calls T.O. punishment 'much too severe'

Here's one for the guys and the non-hetero females.

Although this article left out many good scenes I still think a lot of you will enjoy it. Yes you can thank me later.

"I don't think of them a lesbian supervisors, I think of them as county supervisors who happen to be lesbians. A lesbian supervisor would have a very different job: 'Hey you, cut those nails before you hurt somebody!'" - Marga Gomez

Top Ten Lady Lip-Locks

Henry Rollins is back and he's still pissed off.

The pretty girl and I went and saw Henry Rollins spoken word last night and damn was it a good show. He may be getting older, he's 44 now, but his energy and quick wit is still sharp.

I first saw him years ago after being talked into going by a friend of mine. I remember walking out of the show energized. His exuberance on stage rubbed off on us and we all were in awe of the passion he felt toward every detail he spoke about. Granted there are many things he said that I didn't agree with, but I admire his discipline and conviction.

A good time was had by all.

"Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define your character." - Henry Rollins

Henry Rollins

Bill O'Reilly welcomes Al Qaeda..

Yes you read that right. On his radio show America's favorite falafel lover critiqued San Francisco voters for voting in a ballot that keeps the military from recruiting in public schools. Fair enough, but he took it a step further stating "If Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead."

I think the man is out of his friggin tree.

"Bill Moyers on PBS, he hides behind the label of objectivity. He's about as objective as Mao Tse Tsung, all right. I mean he's a Far-Left bomb-thrower who actually runs a foundation that funds left-wing organizations. I mean the guy's a joke. Get out of the news business, Bill." - Bill O'Reilly

O'Reilly Sounds Off At San Francisco Voters

Road House Part 2. Insert your own joke here....

In keeping with the tradition of 'never take a chance on anything original' philosophy Hollywood is churning out another sequel. This time the mullet classic "Road House" will have a successor.

For those who are not familiar with the original "Road House" let me begin by saying it's the greatest white trash movie ever. The great thespian Patrick Swayze plays a bouncer at a dive bar where he punches burly townsfolk and then waxes philosophic. There's a rich guy who tries to swindle the town's business owners out of cash and Patrick becomes all Robin Hood like. Yes it is as bad as it sounds.

Maybe the success of "Dirty Dancing Havana Nights" gave some producers the idea that this would make money. I'm kind of secretly hoping so, cause maybe we'll see the coming of "Red Dawn 2: The Chinese Boogaloo" or "Ghost: Demi in Hell".

"Calling me sir is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don't belong" - Emmett from "Roadhouse".

Road House 2 begins

No swearing for big oil.

As many of you know five of the worlds largest oil companies have appeared before the Senate to explain their record profits in the wake of recent natural disasters and price hikes. While the chilly banter between the soulless companies and the corrupt public servants won't really raise any eyebrows there was one detail that I found rather interesting.

There were Republicans who opposed the swearing in of the oil executives. Apparently some members of the GOP do not want them to be held accountable for their testimony. By swearing in big tobacco lawsuit happy smokers and their families successfully sued major corporations because of the perjury they committed when they announced to Congress that they did not know cigarettes to be addictive.

Now why would Republicans be against the swearing in of oil companies executives? Are they trying to protect them from going to hell? As if they're not going there already. Are there Senators reaping huge payoffs from lobbyists? More then likely.

"Now you have people in Washington who have no interest in the country at all. They're interested in their companies, their corporations grabbing Caspian oil." - Gore Vidal

Oil Executives Face Senate Scrutiny Today

What action hero would you be?

I took one of those 'who would you be' quizzes, cause they can truly identify my personality based on fictional characters. Plus any quiz on the internet must be prophetic for the world wide web would never lie to you. Ever. I will win that IPod if I shoot the duck in a banner ad.

Anyways the quiz has me listed as Maximus from 'Gladiator'. Surprising really since I didn't care for the movie.

Here is what the quiz said about me:

"You scored as Maximus. After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the coliseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him. "

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0

Photo lab fun.

I used to work in a photo lab years ago. Every day I would walk in there hoping for a new adventure, or at least something interesting, and I was never disappointed. The lab was located inside a large department store that sold shoddy merchandise.

Every time I tell this to people they reply with the inevitable question of "Did you see a lot of crazy stuff?" I just look at them and know they mean nudity. Yes I saw a lot of naked people at that job. Some of you may think that would be pretty cool, but I swear 99% of the graphic photos I saw are nothing you would want to view. Ever. I've become emotionally scarred by some of it and will never be whole again.

I have to give props to some of the people for inventiveness. A lot of times I'd look at the photos and stare in disbelief given the fact that a million years is not enough time for me to even imagine those acts. I won't go into much detail, because I like the two people that read this blog. Let's just say I've never looked at kitchen utensils the same way again.

Most of the people I saw were either old, fat, skanky or all of the above. Given the high amount of white trash clientele at the store we were at times inundated with such foul images.

My favorite was a guy I call Stockman Dan. Stockman Dan was a pleasant chap who was a great worker. He would stock merchandise and help customers with large items such as TVs. The store didn't have a harder worker; however there was just one flaw. He was mildly mentally off. His reasoning skills desired some. For example in the back of the store there were hooks hanging from the ceiling that dangled overstock of bicycles. Instead of getting on a ladder and placing the bike on the hook Stockman Dan was sometimes caught throwing the bike up in the air and hoping the tire would land on the hook. Usually the end result was the bike falling and Dan catching it...with his eye.

Stockman Dan had other oddities as well. He once thought it would be a great idea to use the store break rooms microwave to dry his socks. The break rooms soda dispenser needed labels for it's variety and Dan stepped up to the plate and fixed the problem. Employees then hit buttons that said 'Mountain Daw' and Cherry Pepis'. Yes Dan was not the brightest of bulbs, but his kindness and work ethic made up for it.

He once made a grievous error. He brought in pictures to the 1 hour photo lab. I was printing the pictures when I came upon Stockman Dan's role of film. I put them into the negative tray and viewed the screen to adjust for color, brightness, etc. When I saw the first image come across the screen my jaw hit the floor and I almost screamed like a little girl.

Stockman Dan and his Quasimodo looking girlfriend decided to get freaky on film. Yes I got to witness Dan doing his best "Silence of the Lambs" impression and his girlfriend posing in various states that would make the Hustler connoisseur blush. It was painful I tell you.

I took the prints to his boss and explained the situation and how that was inappropriate. Upon first glance he dropped them and screamed many profanities. I swear he was holding back tears. He said he would talk to Dan about it.

A few weeks go by and Dan brought in another role. Sure enough the same content was there. This time he was more creative and more sociable. I witnessed what was later dubbed as 'retard orgy'. Many products were used in these poses.

I again spoke with his boss. He screamed again.

Another week goes by and Dan drops off film. The guy didn't learn. When I viewed the image of his girlfriend getting friendly with bathroom accessories I flipped. I ran into the back of the store and started yelling at him. He got scared and climbed up a bunch of boxes and wouldn't come down. The store manager came by and demanded to know what the hell was going on. I showed him the pictures. He jumped in quite the Michael Jordan fashion. Pictures were strewn everywhere and all he could do was stare. I left Dan whimpering like an abused puppy and our boss who was frozen with terror.

Dan never did drop off film again, but the damage to my soul has still yet to be healed.

"Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget." - Sy Parrish from "One Hour Photo"

The most wonderful time of the year.

Yes folks it's my favorite time of year and that is election season. Polls open tomorrow, actually today, although I already did cast my absentee ballot. I do encourage you to vote this year as there are many ballot issues I think are important, especially the medical malpractice bill. I found this website to have excellent information and useful links.

Most people I know don't vote and then ones that do normally don't hit the polls for local issues. I don't look down upon them; however I do wish we all could exercise our civic duties. I know I'm getting on my high horse here, but do ask yourself if you really want the ability to make your little world a better one. Realize that you do have the power to do just that. You can seriously make a difference here and our last gubernatorial election is proof.

A lot of you only concentrate on the Presidential elections, probably because of the high drama surrounding them. Do realize that it is our state and local laws that affect your life as well, sometimes even more so.

Now I don't want want to sound like the artist formerly know as Puff Daddy. You won't die if you don't vote. You can still watch your televisions and listen to bad music and basically go on with your comfortable lives in complete ignorance of our often morally bankrupt politics. Enjoy the bliss.

"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." - Ambrose Bierce.

Washington Voter

Interview with a Christian?

Anne Rice, popular novelist of erotic and vampire subjects, has now decided to write for the Lord. Yes she's returned to Roman Catholicism, but has not abandoned her pulp writing. Still going with the heavy victorian style of over describing everything whether it matters to the story or not, she has written a new book about Jesus as a child.

I'm quite surprised at this actually, although Bram Stroker did convert as well. Even more surprising to many is the fact that I've been going to church lately and a bolt of lightning doesn't strike me on my way in.

I never liked her writing nor did I enjoy seeing the goth fad that many jumped on after her books and film adaptations became popular. There was a group of people in Bham who used to go to Western and have vampire role playing games. They would dress in intricate costumes and shout things at each other. It was amusing to say the least. They were adamant that they weren't jumping on the "Interview with a Vampire" bandwagon and swear on their parents' grave that they loved vampires well before the books were published. My ass they did.

Not that it really matters to me when they started enjoying the fad, but I found it funny how much these lovers of all things black would hold on to the idea that they were true individuals even though all their friends were into the same exact things. I kind of wish I would've dressed up like them and hung with them for a while and then finally admit that I'm a huge fan of monster truck shows and I often enjoy needlepoint crafts.

"When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers I kind of wanted to be a vampire." - Angelina Jolie

Anne Rice turns to Jesus

Miserable corp speak.

Anyone who's ever worked in a lower middle class job has been subjected to corporate philosophy books such as "Who Moved My Cheese" and "The Oz Principle." If you haven't read these books I highly recommend them. That is only read them if you're contemplating suicide and need something to remind yourself that humanity is doomed and only a .45 caliber bullet through the mouth will help. Viewing such material will definitely put you over the edge.

I really want to find the pig fucker who coined the phrase 'action item.' I would subject him to years of listening to music by "The Fine Young Cannibals." Instead of using logical terminology, like projects for all of us cubicle dwellers, we now have to use terms that make no sense to anyone in any other industry.

Then again maybe the mob uses such speak.

"Hey Guido. I have an action item for ya. You'll be point of contact on this hit. Now remember going forward you'll need to be results oriented. You'll have 4 guys to make the crew so you should have the bandwidth to add value to taking this guy out. Touch base with me after you're done. This is your fourth deliverable so I'm expecting you to be proactive."

God it makes my head hurt to think about it. Linguistics in corporate America has de-evolved (if that's even a word.) Pretty soon we'll be communicating in nonsensical grunts. Actually that would be an improvement.

"Death is a displaced name for a linguistic predicament." - Paul de Man

Adventures of Action Item

Straight out of the 'It's About Fucking Time' department.

Working as efficiently as ever the Pentagon has decided to make roadside explosives in Iraq a priority. I guess it takes around 2,000 dead soldiers before our nations top brass decide to investigate it.

Next in the news, FEMA decides that hurricanes can be dangerous, FDA advises against drinking yak urine.

"What the Bush administration is primarily interested in is regime change in the United States, not regime change in Iraq or South East Asia or the Balkans. A foreign war is a wonderful lollipop to stuff in the mouth of a possibly quarrelsome press." - Lewis H Lapham

Roadside bombs get Pentagon's attention

Dick is very sensitive.

My least favorite political analyst Dick Morris is rather touchy about his past. Instead of taking the Jerry Springer 'who cares' approach, Morris seems to be rather perturbed by anyone bringing up the fact he wrote a bad check to a hooker. In a recent interview with Thom Hartmann Dick gets real pissed and ends the interview prematurely.

Crooks and Liars has the audio for you to enjoy.

"The Democrats don't have much chance anyway in 2004. Now would be the perfect time for Sharpton to show how badly they need him. Once Al runs as an independent, he'll never have to do it again. He can name his price for not jumping ship a second time and not torpedoing Democratic chances of victory." - Dick Morris

How's that Hooker Dick Morris?

Good Night and Good Luck

The pretty girl took me to see "Good Night and Good Luck" last night. It was a good movie; however dull in some parts. There's really not a sense of urgency in the script, nor did I get the sense that Murrow or CBS News were in any real danger by taking on McCarthy. After a while it became a preachy fest of "you all suck for watching bad television." I thought that was kind of cool really, but I know most of the audience will shrug their shoulders and continue to watch Survivor, Full House, etc.

Most of the characters were not that developed and became uninteresting as all hell, but the rest of the details were so well done I would recommend it. I kind of wish I knew nothing about the McCarthy hearings before hand so there would actually be some dramatic tension.

Given the movie's faults it's receiving very high critical praise. After viewing it I believe it's one of those that gets awarded for subject matter and not for content, at least in screenwriting. Like I said before there are many other elements that are great which made it worth my time.

"McCarthyism is Americanism with its sleeves rolled." - Joseph R. McCarthy

Yahoo Sports photo editor.

I love it when news organizations show a complete disconnect with simple linguistics or are completley out of touch with youth trends. Click here to see what Yahoo Sports made my favorite news pic of the week.

Florida fans show support

Silly rabbit Myspace is for kids.

A mother was flabbergasted to find that her kid is finding, get this, graphic content on Myspace.com. Who would've thought that people didn't go to that site just to chat friendly with people?

I have a Myspace account, although I rarely use it. I have only four friends on it which in most circles makes me a grade A loser. It's kind of cool to keep up with my buddies' blogs and go to their sites and be inundated with bad music.

Just the concept of the website makes it really open to people sport fucking strangers. No girl has ever tried to contact me though. Boy this is depressing really. I get no love even with the anonymity that is the world wide web.

I'm so glad I don't have children. Keeping up with the kinkiness of the online world can take a lot of time. Plus you'd have to view strange images and videos involving pole dancing, sex, mustard fetishes, etc.

"Before I had kids I went home after work to rest. Now I go to work to rest." - Simon Ruddell

Website raises eyebrows among parents

Chris Matthews trying to race bait?

Most of my friends, at least the ones who are into politics, watch and respect Chris Matthew's Hardball above and beyond all other talking head shows. I enjoy his show as well. He does focus on the truly important national issues and he has the best guests of any show that I've seen. He does sometimes pull the O'Reilly tactic of cutting someone off when he doesn't like what he's hearing and occasionally using his boisterous voice to intimidate, but it's something I overlook.

He recently stepped over the line in my most humble opinion. He is now outraged over a memo released by unnamed democrats who call Alito's prosecution record not as impressive as the President may have you believe. In the memo the democrats list a mafia case which Alito lost and 20 gangsters were acquitted. Our Hardball host somehow believes that the democrats are calling Alito's heritage into question instead of simply showing that his record is faulty. Matthews displayed this to Orin Hatch, of all people, to which Orin replied with the usual banter of 'this is normal for those despicable dems.'

When called on it Howard Dean laughed it off, but Matthews stuck to his guns claiming most people feel the same way he does. This is where he is wrong. The memo makes no mention of Alito's ethnicity nor does it imply it. If it does then call my comprehension level into question. I'm not a particularly bright guy, but I cannot see how Matthews has come to this conclusion. Maybe he's wanting to gather ratings, but this I find asanine. This is Rev Al Sharpton tactics Chris.

I wonder if Matthews is now a republican.

"I think this country needs a higher crank-up of democracy now. Louder, more boisterous democracy would be better for us right now." - Chris Matthews

Crooks and Liars has an interesting take on the incident as well as the video of Chris' comments here.