Bad Movies I love part 34

As most movie goers are fully aware, box office returns are in no indication of how good a film is. If you don't believe me, see how much of a huge hit The Flintstones, Independence Day, and the Transformers trilogy were, and look at how terribly the Linklater Before Sunrise/Before Sunset films, Citizen Kane, and even The Wizard of Oz did in their initial releases.

 

The mystery surrounding the colossal flop of "John Carter" is an intriguing one, although some aren't surprised at all. Me I actually went to see the film with my friend Sam, who has replaced Quoc as my go to person for dragging me to movies of various quality. I've read two of the John Carter books many many years ago, so I was mildly excited to see how well this would translate to the big screen. Most critics panned this, and audiences never gave it a chance probably due to the fact they have no clue about the source material, nor would they even care. And really, most of the movie going public haven't the foggiest who Edgar Rice Burroughs even was. Plus the marketing was terrible, as having a title called John Carter tells you nothing about the plot except for the main character's name. If this were made in 1947, the title may have meant something. But it's 2012, and we've seen little to nothing from the franchise since the forties. Hell if they used the title A Princess from Mars it would've told the movie goers a more about the story than John Carter.

 

But I went to see it with an open mind, and found it to be a fun sci-fi romp that never took itself seriously. Was it Blade Runner or 2001: A Space Oddessy? Obviously not. What I watched was the character that influenced so much of modern American mythology, such as Star Wars, Superman, and Buck Rogers. It seemed like a great film for kids and their sci-fi geek parents, but no one seemed to like it, at all. It seemed like critics and the public wanted to hate this film for reasons I can't explain. Sometimes its fun to feel passion, even if it's negative, for a film that is mildly enjoyable.

 

It's a stretch to say I loved this film as it does have its flaws. Taylor Kitsch didn't have the charisma nor talent he displayed week after on the underrated "Friday Night Lights", nor is the plot that engrossing. The story is indeed simple, but it does give one a sense of urgency. If you're looking for a light hearted fun sci-fi film, you could do far worse, and let's be real, you certainly have. This movie is not as bad as you've heard, or even professesed. I enjoyed it, and you probably will too.

 

"OK, they botched the title. But not the movie itself." - Linda Cook

 

Bad Movies I Love part 33





Men, they shoot things indiscriminately, have horrible tattoos, fart loudly, and show off big bulging biceps along with their cosmetic surgery. At least that's the world The Expendables Part 2 inhabits. Big guys, big guns, bad puns, and a fascination with killing everything that moves are to be expected in a film of this nature, but this homage to terrible action movies of the past exists as a parody of itself.

Xenophobia has always been a key ingredient of 80s action films, and of course this has it in spades. This film takes off where the first one left off, if anyone can remember it. The guys have bigger guns and bigger muscles, and are primed for dealing death to anyone who dares gets in their crosshairs. Men shoot people from another country, because damn it that's what they get for being different. "Fuck yeah" should've been the title for this movie, and really, it should have been every line delivered, and the plot would've made as much sense.

Expendables part 2 is an ambitious film, with huge star power if it was made in 1987. Self deprecating and never taking itself seriously, it's actually more fun than it ever had any right to be. I laughed throughout the entire film, and even a few times it was intentional. Granted those moments are few, as the movie is so damn ridiculous it's difficult to suspend disbelief, but if ever the phrase "leave your brain at the door" was apt for a film, this is it. There's not a single line of dialogue that doesn't elicit an unintentional laugh, or a groan, but the director didn't seem to give a damn. It's big, it's loud, it's really really stupid, but if you expected anything else going in, I seriously worry about you.

So why did I love this? Well as previously mentioned I laughed more than most comedies, and certainly more than "The Hangover part 2", "Grown Ups", etc. The action sequences, while ridiculous, are well choreographed and visually impressive. Even though I will never see this, nor its predecessor again, I will look upon it fondly for its campy fun.

"Unlike its predecessor, this one recognizes its inherent stupidity and goes all-in on being the loudest, dumbest and most comically preposterous action movie of the summer." - Ethan Alter

Bad Movies I Love Part 32

Most movie goers of my generation have never seen nor heard of "Song of the South". Yes the Disney film that the company doesn't want you to see, but for whatever reason will never let you forget, is one that most everyone under sixty has never laid eyes on. The last time I saw it was in the early eighties when it made it's last run in the theatres. I recall liking it, but up until this weekend I could tell you little of what I saw.

Thanks to the magic of Youtube and it's less than moral users, my folks and I decided to watch the classic film every one's forgotten about. What we found was both surprising in ways I never imagined. I was expecting a racist film on par with "The Birth of a Nation" or the infamous Warner Bros Censcored 11, but instead was treated to something that may be better classified as naive rather than outright hateful. I expected a misunderstood classic that was unfairly treated, but I found a movie designed for little children that can drag. I expected at the very least a charming tale that fit the strong narratives that Disney was known for, but I saw a film that was uneven, poorly paced, and had some characters, even the main ones, that are less than exciting.

The movie is a simple one that has too many stories for it's own good. It starts with live action and takes place in Reconstruction era Georgia, where a young boy named Johnny is being taken to a rural plantation to live with his grandmother and mother while his father, for reasons unknown, decides to leave them to do something, like work or check on his other family that no one knows about. Regardless he leaves and young Johnny decides to run away to catch up with him. On his way he meets Uncle Remus, who says he will run away with him, but sits him down and tells him the story of Brer Rabbit.

This is where the movie finally takes off. Uncle Remus then breaks into Zip-a-dee-doo-dah and is suddenly set in an animated world. Yes, this is where the song you've no doubt heard a lot when you were young is from. The story of Brer Rabbit then takes place, he leaves his home as he thinks it sucks, for whatever reason, then encounters the jive talking Brer Fox and Brer Bear, who want to eat the animated protagonist. Lessons are learned and little Johnny goes back to live with his mother.

Live action takes place again, and Johnny learns a couple of other life lessons, and his mother is wary of the relationship with him and the paternal Uncle Remus, for reasons unexplained. As this is a Disney film, a near tragedy occurs, but all is right with the world soon after and everything is satisfactual.

The film was probably made for very young children, and for that it'll work, but it doesn't resonate with the older viewers. The live action sequences are incredibly dull, and little Johnny has very little personality. The three stories within the film gives it an uneven feel. It may have worked better if Uncle Remus started the film with some exposition, and the rest of the movie used the animated Brers to tell one long narrative.

So why do I love this film? Well when it's not sucking, it's incredibly charming. The blend of live action and animation is very impressive, and the performances are very good, most notably by James Baskett as the magical negro, err, I mean Uncle Remus. The music is entertaining and has obviously stood the test of time, where the film hasn't. It also has nostalgia, which is subjective I know, but after watching the movie the question that begs to be asked is why is this so hard to find?

Disney could've released this with a disclaimer about how our cultural history has embarrassing points, as Warner Brothers has in the past. Children could've learned something from our civil rights history, and how far we have come with our portrayal of African-Americans, but Disney, under pressure from the NAACP and others, decided to sweep this under the rug, but yet oddly, built a theme park ride dedicated to the film's characters, release the song Zip-a-dee-doo-dah at every chance they can, and gives references to it in books, stuffed animals, and various other merchandise. Still this is no more offensive than the already mentioned "The Birth of a Nation", "Gone with the Wind", "The Jazz Singer", or even "The Little Rascals". Granted it's not the technical marvel that is "The Birth of a Nation", nor is it the sweeping epic of "Gone with the Wind", but it does have it's place in film history as being the first to seamlessly blend live action with animation. For that alone people should have the choice to see it.

"The central drama is only intermittently successful, and not only because any rational modern viewer will be seriously put off by the jolly racial ignorance of it all... but its heart is in the right place." - Tim Brayton

Bad Movies I Love part 31

Some bad movies are best remembered when you're young. I recall watching "The Warriors" for the first time when I was in my late twenties, based on numerous recommendations. I didn't care for it, but others who do seem to do so based on their memories from when they were twelve years old. We all have those films that are best preserved in the databanks of our youth, such as my love for movies such as "Rad" and "Red Dawn".

I recently watched "They Live", directed by John Carpenter, on Turner Classic Movies, of all channels. I've heard it quoted endlessly in my younger years, but never took the time to view it in it's entirety. After watching it I was dissapointed I waited so long to see this classic, dark comedy/sci-fi film.

"They Live" tells the story of a transient referred to as Nada. He meets Frank at his newfound place of employment, who takes him to a homeless dwelling for food and shelter. The church across the street has some strange doings, so naturally our hero decides to investigate. He finds it's a front for some weird sciencey devices. Confused, he leaves.

The next day police raid the shantytown and bust it up. The church goers leave in a hurry, so afterwards Nada looks through the church and finds a pair of sunglasses. He puts them on and sees that all media contains subliminal messages, like "Obey" and "Marry and Reproduce" and "Consume". He also sees some of the citizens as aliens, who control said media, which freaks him the hell out. He then aquires weapons and decides to fight the alien menace, as only a John Carpenter hero can.

"They Live" is a b movie in almost every fashion, but the story and the one liners are very entertaining. It does make fun of consumer culture, which is often an easy target, but surprisingly it's really funny and subersive. The movie has charm, even though the acting ranges from bad to unwatchable. The plot has holes, but I'd watch the movie again just to see Roddy Piper deliver such awesome lines such as "I have come here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. I'm all out of bubble gum", which is delivered at random.

I could only recommend maybe a handful of B-sci/fi films, but this is definitley one of them, maybe even at the top of my list.

"Carpenter's ability to fuse the bawdy humor and action with an intelligent script make for a genre film that is both thoughtful and entertaining." - Derek Smith

Bad Movies I Love part 30

Ernesto "Che" Guevara has always been a fascinating figure to me. His actions and the public's view of him has always made me love the myth of him, but hate the man. Che has somewhat been a hero to left leaning souls who romanticize his revolutionary tactics. It's not surprising as those with a more conservative bent in the US view our own revolutionary forefathers as the ethical equivalent of Jesus. Strangely those who idolize our founding fathers and their work hold a sympathy for the Confederates, the same folks who fought against the foundation of our Republic.

Che was a despicable person regardless of his economic views. He was only interested in justice for those who agreed with him and his brutal armed struggle. Che's claim that if the Soviet missiles located in Cuba were under his direct control, he would've launched them, believing that crushing American imperialism would've been worth "millions of atomic war victims."

Liking Guevara's legacy seems to be the trend, even though in the end he failed in his global conquest to spread his brand of communism and unite Latin America under it's principles. That's no surprise as America is known for rooting for the under dog. Of course the irony that kids wear his image on t-shirts made in sweat shops to be sold in Hot Topic amuses me to no end.

This brings me to "Che", the two part film by Steven Soderbergh. The first part chronicles Che's part in the Cuban revolution against the Batistas. The second and equally long part unravels his failed attempt to take down the Bolivian government, which he paid the ultimate price for.

The movie is told through the Guevara's eyes and is largely based on his own writings, which consequently makes him look like a saint instead of the complicated revolutionary. I was saddened by this approach as autobiographies are largely more fiction than fact and leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to objectivity. The story moves along at a snails pace at times and one could only wonder if the editor was ordered to leave every single piece of footage in, for good or ill.

Flaws and all I loved it, mostly because of Benecio Del Toro's amazing performance as the former Argentinian revolutionary. He made me believe he knew Che personally, and had all his mannerisms masterfully imitated. I enjoyed the story as it's an interesting take on a piece of history I find fascinating, but those who don't share that interest will hardly be drawn to learning more about it when watching this. Mostly they'll have trouble keeping their eyelids open.

"If Soderbergh's ambition was to make us feel just how dull it would be to a woods-dwelling communist guerrilla, he succeeded." - Mick LaSalle

Bad Movies I Love part 29

I'm not an action movie buff by any means. Most are devoid of plot, are at times redundant, and the over the top action results in a roll of the eyes rather than fill me with excitement. Most cinema snobs find testosterone laced violent films to be all about visuals and no story, but oddly enough those same folk will praise a musical for doing the same thing.

I plopped in the disk for 'The Expendables' expecting nothing. Actually I was pretty set in my mind that it would suck, but I gave it a go on the recommendations of a few.

It delivered exactly what it promised. The plot was thin at best, but the characterization made up for it. This script has a sense of humor about itself. It's attempts at humor were largely successful and the cast is brilliant. The action wasn't too hokey and the fight scenes were impressive. It's hard to recommend this as I'm sure very few will put up with lack of narrative, but when one leaves their brain at the door to have some fun they will find themselves having as good a time as the filmmakers. This is steroid laden testosterone fest doesn't dissapoint.

Shit blew up, and it blew up what good.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"Expendables is the closest thing to movie Viagra yet invented. It's reprehensible. It's stoopid violent. It's a lot of unholy fun." - Ty Burr

Bad Movies I Love part 28

My mother was a huge Tony Curtis fan. She thought him to be one of the most handsome men ever and as a consequence we watched a lot of his movies multiple times. I can still recite dialogue from 'The Great Race', 'Operation Petticoat', and 'Some Like it Hot'. One of his films impacted my life greatly.

"The Viking's" is an old story set in medieval Europe and tells the tale of a Nordic tribe that's engaged in barbarity that one would expect. A noble befriends the Vikings and forms an alliance with them to overthrow the Northumbia crown.

Erik (Tony Curtis) is an English prisoner of the vikings who was captured as a wee lad in one of their raids. He actually is the product of the leader of the pillagers forcibly taking the Northumbia queen, who was recently widowed. He grows to be ridiculed by his adopted family, but early in the story he escapes with the help of the god Odin and the nobleman. Of course there is a love triangle with the viking prince Elinar (Kirk Douglas) and a recently captured princess (Janet Leigh). Erik saves the princess from Elinar's less than gentle advances and flees Scandanavia. Of course there's a climatic scene where the vikings attempt a final regime change in Northumbia which is complete with a 'moment of truth' scene, but it ends on a note I didn't expect.

While it's a corny swashbuckler 'The Vikings' has great charm. Sure it dealt with dark material, but how can you not when the story's centered around European history's most terrifying group of people? The acting is better than it should be considering the dialogue is not exactly Shakespearean. The movie quickly unravels in the third act, but that doesn't matter. Seeing Kirk Douglas do the oar run without the aid of a stuntman, the Orson Welles narration, and the stellar cast is just a few of the reasons I love this movie. It's a sweeping spectacle that entertained me highly as a young lad and still does to this day.

As you may have already guessed I'm named after Tony Curtis' character in this film.

"As the massive battle scenes and convoluted political machinations paraded across the screen, I thought, “This was the Braveheart of the 1950s!” and I was right." - Scott Wienberg

Bad movies I love part 27.

It's difficult to mention Peter Jackson without immediately thinking that he was the brains behind what is arguably the greatest motion picture trilogy of all time, but film geeks like myself are well aware he had a career before hand. While some of his earlier work is disturbing (Meet the Feebles) and some is brilliant (Heavenly Creatures) he did, and still does, have a fascination with horror and crafted the hilarious zombie movie Dead Alive.

People who know me understand I'm not big in the horror genre nor do I care much for zombies. I always found the slow moving brainless creatures stupid and not in the least bit scary. The greatest of horror has villains with a psychological bent, such as Psycho and The Exorcist. Zombies, by there very nature, cannot posses the personality of a Dracula or a Hyde and leave a strong disconnect with the audience.

Peter Jackson, as well as the makers of Zombieland, knew this and created the low budget Dead Alive. It's a simple story of a nugget of a man with an overbearing mother who earns his living mowing lawns. As a result of a virus carrying monkey he finds his small village plagued with the undead. At first he tries to befriend a few as he had sympathy for them, but finally survival instinct kicks in and it's up to him alone to eradicate the population of his town.

What seems like a fright fest from the cover art is misleading. It's really a comedy on the whole genre of walking dead pictures. Take for instance a scene in a cemetery near a large church. An old priest sees a bunch of zombies try and eat those still living and decides to go all Jackie Chan on their asses. Another scene has the mousy protagonist walking a zombie baby through a park. The kid starts to get hungry and tries to eat him and a fight ensues. The onlookers take shock in seeing the man kick the crap out of what seems like an infant, but is really a flesh eater.

Folks, this is great cinema.

"Originally released as Braindead, this gory, maccabre satire of 1950s New Zealand society is yet another proof that Peter Jackson is one of the sharpest, most skillful directors working in the genre; a good companion piece to Meet the Feebles." - Emanuel Levy

Bad Movies I Love part 26

At my employment at a movie theatre I remember screening the first live action Flintstones. I was actually kind of excited to see the movie as the previews did promise a charming tale of Fred and Wilma. It became a huge hit, but a bigger bore. The casting was poor at best as John Goodman couldn't even be bothered to dye his hair for the role, much less try and talk like the cartoon Fred. Rosie O'Donnel as Betty? Someone thought that was a good idea? Worst of all it the screenwriters didn't want to be bothered by making it funny for adults or children. There was not a single thing I enjoyed about it.

One late night with nothing on the agenda I flipped to the prequel, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. It's a simple love story of when Fred and his loyal companion Barney meet and fall in love with Wilma and Betty. Not exactly a deep plot of class struggles in a silly comedy, but damn I found myself entertained.

What made the film fun is the actors pulled it off and actually had, wait for it, talent. For the most part the cast sounded exactly like their cartoon counterparts and even had the look down. The sets were superior to the first film which is a feat indeed, but the real surprise for me is the jokes were actually kind of clever. Not entirely laugh out loud humor mind you, but enough to keep one amused. This time the screenwriters seemed to actually watch the source material and thought it would be a good idea to improve upon it.

Now this is not high brow cinema by any means, but as a fan of the animated Honeymooners rip-off in my youth I found it to be enjoyable nostalgia.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas is cute and funny, with plenty of slapstick and cuddly creatures for the kids and enough adult wit to keep parents reasonably amused." - David Germain

Bad movies I love part 25

Inspired by the good WIGSF's latest post I felt compelled to write about another bad movie that I love dearly, The Chase. Most of you probably haven't seen this for I think it lasted maybe a week in theatres, but I recall being thoroughly entertained by it.

The story is a simple one of an escaped convict, a crime he didn't commit btw, who finds himself hijacking a rich young woman while fleeing to Mexico. Insert a cop (Henry Rollins) and his partner who are the subject of a 'Cops' like reality show. They get the call to give chase and a high speed pursuit is in order.

While this film is not high brow by any means it's hilarious. The movie takes many stabs at reality television culture and the publics' fascination with it. Today's viewing audience may find this hardly original, but this was produced well before the days of Survivor and Jersey Shore. Henry Rollins steals the show as the authoritarian, but intellectually vapid, cop.

Sure this film will not stand the test of time, but it's still an enjoyable romp. Be sure to stay tuned after the credits for the funniest scene in the movie, which is Charlie Sheen in a clown suit reciting Robert Duvall's infamous speech from Apocalypse Now.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"Goofball fun, and Swanson's rarely been hotter." - Luke Y. Thompson.

Cheesy as it may be, I love this scene:

Bad Movies I Love part 24

As a youth I had one cartoon I loved above all others and that was GI Joe. Most of my friends enjoyed Transformers, He-Man, and Thundercats and while I was a fan nothing compared to the Real American Hero. After school the local television station had the GI Joe/Transformers hour and it became the best part of my day.

Sadly I got older and when I revisited shows of my youth I realized how badly they sucked. GI Joe was no exception. I watched the animated movie and even though it's considered the best thing they produced it's still a ball of crap.

Note the intro to the GI Joe animated movie below:



Yes this was the high water mark of the series. Actually this segment is the best they have to offer.

When I walked into the screening of GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra last night I wasn't sure what to expect. Plagued by bad press and all sorts of fan boys crying fowl at costume design and what not, because I guess their precious childhood toy commercials that masqueraded as television programs are sacred, I didn't think I'd be all that thrilled with the execution of this film.

I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is not high brow entertainment by any means; but it is a wonderful tribute to the 80s cartoon as well as a nice piece of popcorn entertainment for those unfamiliar. The plot and cinematography played out exactly like the series, but not in a bad way. Unlike a certain director who shall not be named this movie's creative staff decided to make an action film that was fun and without a hint of being pretentious. It was at times genuinely clever.

Don't get me wrong this is a B level popcorn fare with a huge budget and it was primarily geared toward twelve year olds, but as someone who has had difficulty acting my age it brought out the child in me. I haven't had this much fun at an action film in years, probably mostly due to the fact that the film wasn't asking me to believe anything that was going on could actually happen. It is a fantasy picture and for that I loved it.

After the film my friend told me his parents wouldn't let him watch GI Joe as a kid. I think that's downright un-American.

Oh and the Baroness....yeah I don't think I need to say more.

"If I was 10 years old, GI Joe would be one of the best movies I had ever seen. As a grown up it's one of the better summer movies; a delightfully light, fun and action-packed kick in the ass." - Devin Faraci

Bad movies I love part 23

It's been a while since I've written about bad films. Today though I'll take a trip down memory lane and recite to you dear readers about a film that is near and dear to my heart. It was actually a small film I starred in, a movie called 'Grip Loss'.

About ten years ago my friend Ryon was unemployed and decided to pass the time by locking himself in his bedroom and writing a screenplay. The result was an ambitious undertaking of a film and he decided he would take the reigns and produce and direct it. He casted me and various other friends in the film so that we may be immortalized.

Grip Loss tells the story of James Stark, played by your author here, who's a suicidal hitman that avenges his girlfriend by taking the hands of her child molesting father. Still not content with revenge he decides to take his own life by having one of his targets kill him. For whatever reason James changes his mind at the last minute and goes ahead with the scheduled hit after a long dialogue.

Confused? Hell I read the script from it's first inception to it's final draft and I still don't get it.

The movie will always have fond memories for me though, cause the production was so much fun. To give you an idea of how shoestring the budget was Ryon came to me one night asking for money to shoot the next day. I didn't have any being young and broke so he asked me to take him to the local Indian casino. He went to the blackjack table with his last twenty dollars while I sat at the bar and nursed a beer. After about an hour he sat next to me and stated he had won enough money to shoot the next day.

That's basically how the production went for the next two years. Shot on S-VHS the script had numerous rewrites, last minute casting changes, reshoots, condiments as special effects, continuity screw ups due to my hair growing and being cut over that period of time, one kooky actor who is quite seriously insane, lighting problems, etc.

Then there was Frank. Frank was the actor who I was referring to earlier as mentally off. It's hard to describe such a man actually as he seems like a caricature out of an old Irish novel. Having the mental capacity of your average cheese mold Frank didn't take to method acting too well. In fact simply reading lines was quite a chore for him. In between takes he would tell stories of how he fought inner city gangs and how he was the baddest ass I would ever meet. This middle aged gent really tried my patience at every instance. We only had one scene to shoot with him, but it wasn't uncommon for Ryon to spend 20 minutes to get Frank to recite one line correctly. It was painful.

Still with all the production delays and nonsense associated with such a huge undertaking we had a lot of fun shooting the film. We drank and argued and flubbed lines. We laughed at ourselves trying to portray characters that were completely foreign to us and had dialogue that sounded almost alien.

Regardless of the ending result of Grip Loss I'm proud to say that I starred in it. Ryon took a huge risk in tackling a 40 minute film as his first directing gig, but I admire his perseverance in finishing it. Others would've given up at pre-production.

No I won't post any video of this film ever.

"Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it." - Samuel Goldwyn

Bad movies I love part 22.

After this post you may never trust my reviews again, but that's okay. Not everyone can have such refined tastes as yours truly.

Whenever I tell anyone that I'm a fan of Josie and the Pussycats a curious eyebrow will be raised followed by a statement of 'interesting', 'what the fuck', or something of that nature. I'll freely admit I love this film for many reasons mostly because it flat out makes fun of it's target audience of early teens and their addiction to corporate endorsed culture. While some may find this too easy of a target I say bravo to any film that preaches to children the absurdities of GAP shopping and how TRL can rot the mind.

The script is funny and the film's highest point is Rachel Leigh Cook, who looks a lot like an old girlfriend. Yeah she's not the best thespian in the business, but she's worth the price of a rental. Tara Reid was also in it and this is when she was hot. God it seems like so long ago that I actually desired her. What happened to you Tara?

Sorry got carried away there.

While a lot of teen films preach the word of individuality none of them focus on so much on how quickly they'll jump on consumer culture. In fairness to the youngins you adults are worse. Disagree? Remember it is you who've made Perez Hilton's blog a massive success. This is why I hate you.

"While the script's basic outline is lame, it delivers some funny dialogue and pithy music industry observations" - Laura Clifford

Bad movies I love part 21

Everyone who went to high school has a story of one guy who attended who was less of a bully and more like a psychopath. The dude everyone was afraid of, cause you weren't sure if he was carrying a weapon every where he went. People tipped toed around the crazy man as he walked down the halls displaying a demeanor that told you he goes to the dump and shoots rats on weekends.

Three O'Clock High is about that nut. Why this film is not regarded as one of the classic 80s comedies is something I'll never understand. All around nerd Jerry Mitchell (Casey Siemaszko) has the unfortunate task of interviewing the new student for his school paper. Jerry makes the mistake of actually placing his hand on his interview subject Buddy Revell, played brilliantly by Richard Tyson. Buddy, who looks way too old to be in high school, challenges the dorky student reporter to a fight at 3 o'clock.

The film then follows Jerry throughout the day as he tries in vain to get out of the fight. Fearing his demise Mitchell breaks into the student store and steals money to pay a football player to take care of Buddy, which ends poorly. He also tries to escape school, but the security guard won't let him leave the grounds. Other antics ensue as Jerry attempts to get out of the fight, but as with most 80s comedy dorks he mans up and faces his tormentor with crowd pleasing results.

Sure the plot is predictable and some of the actors look way to old to be in high school, but it's a charming tale that unlike most teen films of that era doesn't ridicule youth. This film is far funnier than most of those teeny bopper flicks of the 80s and doesn't resort to becoming a pretentious over dramatic love fest.

What this movie did need is more crane kicking. Maybe that would secure it's place in the 80s hall of fame.

"Schools are successful only insofar as they reduce the dependence of a child's opportunities upon his social origins." - James S. Coleman

Bad movies I love part 20.

There are those movies which you know are bad, but are so damn cool you can't deny you like them. Movies like Scarface, The Goonies, and The Warriors come to mind when I think about this, but there's a more recent film that I can add to the list.

I saw 300 in the Cinerama, which is one of the largest screens in the state. I wasn't sure what to expect exactly when I sat to watch the show, but I had a feeling that it would look good if nothing else. You know what? I was right.

300 has campy dialogue, overbearing narration, acting that leaves a lot to be desired, and it displays little care for historical accuracy. The Spartan army is built like the grecko ideal man while the Persians are deformed. Leonidas is the perfect leader; masculine, intelligent, and brave while Xerxes is a megalomaniac. Homoerotic outfits are abound and over used patriotic ramblings are sprinkled throughout. Almost every detail is overly sensationalized to the point I had to remind myself that this film is more based on Frank Miller's comic rather than the actual event.

The film is like eating a big bag of Skittles. Sure it tastes good on the surface, but under all that sugary goodness contains little substance. Still it's hard to find someone who doesn't enjoy tasting the rainbow.

300 has crowd pleasing action which is filmed brilliantly. Instead of using the new method of shaky cam, quick cut nonsense the shots are tight and are held on the action for quite a while. Also it has one of the best sex scenes I've ever seen. Sure at it's core is a mindless action romp, but it's one that doesn't leave you feeling ashamed that you enjoyed it.

"300 is a movie blood-drunk on its own artful excess. Guys of all ages and sexes won't be able to resist it." - Peter Travers

Bad Movies I Love part 19

When I write about bad flicks that I enjoy a sense of shame does come to me. Being somewhat of a film snob movies like Rad, Red Dawn, or anything with a large amount of gratuitous bare breasts sparks something primal in me where I want nothing more than to be entertained without having to use my brain.

Then there's family fair which is a genre I can appreciate, but mostly loathe. Most family films end up trying to appeal to various ages, but end up pleasing neither. There are those that do somehow break the mold, such as the recent The Incredibles and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but for the most part such movies fail to bridge the generation gap.

While not a huge commercial success Sky High is a film I've seen twice and amazingly enjoyed it both times. Starring Kurt Russel and Kelly Preston as the world's greatest superhero couple their son, Will, is about to start his adventures in comic book fashion in a high school for people with super powers. The catch is Will has no powers that he's aware of. As most people who make the leap to high school he feels somewhat awkward about his next step towards adulthood, especially when he doesn't live up to what's expected of him.

Most high school films are either gross out comedies or pretentious life lesson lectures; however this movie has a great sense of humor about itself. I'm kind of a sucker for superhero films and Sky High has a charm that most comic book movies lack. While the plot is predictable the performances are surprisingly above par. Bruce Campbell is amusing as always and Lynda Carter is still hot. Filled with funny scenes the special effects look good and so does the women for that matter.

Yes it's a high school film at it's core complete with the simple dramas of trying to be popular and reconciling unrequited love, but for all it's flaws I found myself actually enjoying this Disney family piece.

"This movie about a high school for superheroes is so good-natured and self-deprecating that it's virtually impossible to dislike the thing." - Bill Muller

Bad movies I love part 18.

I remember a simpler time in my youth where adults spoke truth at all times. I never questioned the validity of our media and therefore believed a lot of what I was being told. As a child many of my friends were engrossed with Transformers, Johnny Quest, and Robotech. I; however, was affixed on one cartoon only. That cartoon being G.I. Joe.

G.I. Joe chronicled the story of an elite military group who fought terrorists named Cobra who were hellbent on taking over the planet for reasons unbeknownst to the viewer. They had colorful characters such as Shipwreck, who lead the Navy, and Roadblock, who was a big black guy that specialized in heavy weapons.

At the end of each cartoon they had a public service announcement for children advising them not to pet stray dogs or to never go somewhere with a stranger who offers candy. At the end of the announcements the kids, having learned a valuable lesson, would always cry "and now we know." The G.I. Joe character, who just instructed the child in the ways of safe and moral conduct, would then reply "And knowing is half the battle."

G.I. Joe's tag line was that it and it's members were "real American heroes." Although I didn't buy that the Joe team actually fought that way I did believe that there was some task force that did battle with terrorists on a daily basis. Since I watched the evening news a lot with the folks and saw images of bombings in Jerusalem and Northern Ireland on a daily basis the whole concept of an evil army led by a coward with a speech impediment didn't seem all that ridiculous to my six year old mind.

Alas my folks instructed me that G.I. Joe was not a real American hero as I was led to believe. Sadly my dream of growing up to be a ninja who fights Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world, would not come to pass. Now instead of single handily engaging in combat with evil folks who try to cause world destruction with bizarre weather machines I sit here in a cube and blog. Sigh.

After the show aired for a few years the producers released G.I. Joe the Movie with the voice acting talents of Don Johnson, Burgess Meredith, and Sgt Slaughter of WWF fame. Yes I still love this movie with all of it's flaws.

I do admit that when Bush made his State of the Union speech shortly after 9/11 I was hoping he would announce the new appointments as White House counsel being Snake Eyes and Cover Girl.

"The saddest part about G.I. Joe: The Movie is that it is probably the best G.I. Joe project. The animation of the movie is very inconsistent, at best good, at worst little better than the TV series. The story tries to be a little more serious than usual, but the plot is so unfocused we don't really care." - Stomp Tokyo

Bad movies I love part 17.

I signed up for the Blockbuster version of Netflix and so far I'm actually impressed with the service. Yesterday I received Little Miss Sunshine, From Here to Eternity, and Idiocracy in the mail.

Most of you probably haven't heard of Idiocracy, and sadly some of you never knew From Here to Eternity exists either, but I must recommend Mike Judge's (Office Space, Beavis and Butthead) latest film.

An average slacker of a man played by Luke Wilson is set in a hibernation chamber only to awake 500 years later. Instead of finding a future that rivals one that Buck Rogers found, his character is immersed in a world that has seen the population's collective intelligence deteriorate. He discovers after a few hundred years of only stupid people populating the planet with equally dumb children that he arises to be the smartest person on Earth.

While the movie is indeed full of laughs at the expense of the mildly retarded it does make some subtle if not obvious stabs at contemporary society's love affair with consumerism and how we seem to equate advertising slogans with gospel. Sadly this movie doesn't have the poignant observations about contemporary life like Office Space, but still this movie has it's merits. It won't become the cult classic that was Judge's previous film, probably because there was no red stapler in the script, but still this play upon reverse Darwinism entertains.

Even though I obviously enjoyed the film I hardly slept last night thinking that the movie may be our Oracle at Delphi. With films like Norbit topping the box office while Idiocracy getting almost no theatrical run I think Judge's vision is soon upon us.

"Judge has a gift for delivering brutal satire in the trappings of low comedy and for making heroes out of ordinary people whose humanity makes them suspect in a world where every inch of space, including mental, is mediated." - Carina Chocano

The first few minutes of Idiocracy:

Bad movies I love part 16.

I sat around yesterday with little to do and decided to flip through On-Demand to find a time killer. Upon my eyes did appear a movie that I hadn't seen in years. A film who's merits have been the source of debate through out the movie making industry. Critics and the public have never been so divided on a piece of art before and possible never will again. Yes this piece of celluloid is a milestone.

'Roadhouse' has it all. I used to hate this movie, but now have embraced it's mullet goodness for reasons I don't understand. It's got bar fights, Patrick Swayze waxing philosophic, Sam Elliot being a horny old man, and best of all gratuitous boobies. If that's not enough for you how about villains who all but scream their man lovin tendencies and a monster truck that reeks havoc on a car dealer.

Yes it's bad, but such a great time wasting guilty pleasure.

Doubt me in my analysis? Try this line spoken by Swayze's landlord: "Calling me sir is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don't belong."

Now that is a sign of quality film making my friends.

“Good looking people turn me off. Myself included.” - Patrick Swayze

The best homo-erotic fight scene ever:

Bad movies I love part 15.

People who know me, and those who've been reading this blog since day one, know that when I was at the tender age of eight a life changing moment occurred. On a Tuesday night I turned on the television and a sitcom was playing. The show was 'Who's the Boss'.

Yes it was a sitcom that changed everything for me as I got my first glimpse of Alyssa Milano. I made a decree that I would marry that girl one day. Sadly as I grew older a sense of realism finally got up with me and I realized that she probably wouldn't agree to be joined with me in matrimony. That was a depressing day indeed.

What has this got to do with bad movies I love you say? Well I'm glad you asked.

I was in the video store years ago browsing the shelves when I came across a copy of Poison Ivy 2: Lily. It had Alyssa on the cover so I thought I'd give it a shot. Couldn't be any worse than Double Dragon.

I brought it home and announced to my roommate Corey that I had the movie. He informed me that he heard she was naked in the film. We decided it would be a good idea to watch it immediately.

Now Corey's not that much of a fan of Alyssa, but he seemed as intrigued as I was of the fact that she might be at least topless for this role. I put the tape in the VCR and gathered myself to experience a film that felt enough wasn't said in the first Poison Ivy.

The fact that I stated the video player was a VCR should indicate how long ago this was, but I'll try and sort out what this horrible film was about. Alyssa plays Lily, an art student at some college who comes across Ivy's, the main character from the first film, diary. In it she reads about how Ivy portrayed herself as a princess to some family, but secretly her desire was to destroy them. Lily is intrigued by these writings and suddenly develops a split personality. One being a sweet wholesome student, the other being a sex object.

Lily lived with a few roommates. One was a lesbian and another was some studly guy who kept sleeping with her. The other was some Asian guy who never spoke. Corey and I started giving our own back story to the Asian guy, calling him Wang Fu. We figured at the end he would break out numchucks and whoop ass on the bad guy, but we still weren't sure who the antagonist was at that point.

Yes we're quite the epitome of cultural sensitivity.

Anyways some creepy art professor becomes obsessed with Lily, which I guess I could understand. For reasons that escape me she plays upon his obsession by having him paint her nude. Yes the girl gets naked on film multiple times. I thanked each and every god for that glorious day that I finally gazed upon the glory that is Alyssa sans clothing. I know most of you reading this will roll their eyes and dismiss me as some sort of pervert and really you'd be correct in doing so.

The professor and the studly guy get into a fight over Lily's affection. Professor dude storms into the Lily's place and Wang Fu shows up. Corey and I were really excited about Wang kicking some academic ass, but sadly all he did was tell him that the police were coming. Professor then threw him down the stairs. Both of us sat in shock as we saw Wang tumble to his demise. Rather anti climatic considering the whole scenario Corey and I gave the character.

As you've just read I don't remember much of the details of the film other then Alyssa disrobing a few times, but I do recall the movie being god awful. The acting was at times atrocious, the plot made little sense, and the dialogue was written by someone with a sixth grade reading level.

You know what? I'll watch it again.

"I feel a lot healthier when I'm having sex. Physically. I feel all these jitters when I wake up in the morning. Just energy jitters. I take vitamins, I work out every day. When I'm having sex, I don't have that." - Alyssa Milano