It's all about state's rights!

I've written numerous times about my feelings concerning state funds being used to honor the Confederacy, but apparently the issue is being brought up again in my new home state of Texas. The Texas division of the Sons of Confederate Veterans has designed a license plate that displays the Battle Flag of Northern Virginia, or as some will recall, the Confederate Naval Jack. Their purpose is to honor those in the Lone Star State who fought against the Union in the Civil War, aka War Between the States. Why they didn't choose the Confederate National Flag is a mystery to me as it would make more logical sense, but admittedly the former is more recognizable. Not surprisingly controversy has ensued.

When I emailed the Texas Sons of Confederate Veterans and asked if Texan troops actually used the Stars and Bars in battle I didn't get a response. I imagine the answer is yes, but I can find nothing to support that so far. It may be of little matter.

America is interesting in the fact that it's the only nation I can think of that honors those who have committed treason, fought against the then current government, lost, and are suddenly revered as heroes. This is why I don't really see this license plate as an issue of race, although I understand why some would. What other country gives so much praise to a people who rebelled and threw their respective nation into their bloodiest conflict? I somewhat get the lost cause mentality as we don't want to think of our forefathers as dying for something as simple as state's rights to own and distribute slaves and the US always loves an underdog, but we must face the facts. The Confederacy seceded because of human bondage at their own admission, from their secession letters to Congress, statements made by most of their governors, and even their Vice President confirmed this during and after the war. While the Dixiecrats made it popular to romanticize the south and give the image that the antebellum lifestyle was exactly like Gone With the Wind, history does paint a different picture than pop culture. I would like to think that the average Confederate soldier may have fought for noble reasons of their own, but that can be said of any army.

Given that if someone wants to wave the Battle Flag of Northern Virginia I don't really care. It's their right to fly any flag at their own expense, but to use tax payer funds to display a symbol that was used in battle to fight against the people defending the Constitution and preserving the Union, well I still can't wrap my head around it. I consider myself a Civil War buff as I agree with Shelby Foote that if someone really wants to understand the character of this country there's no better period in history to study. Still in all my amateur efforts I don't exactly get the lost cause mentality, or maybe I understand it better than I realize.

"I hope the day will never come that my grandsons will be ashamed to own that I was a Confederate Soldier." - Private A. Y. Handy, 32nd Texas Cavalry, C.S.A

Texas Officials Consider Confederate Flag License Plate

The dream

I opened the door and was immediately greeted by two scantily clad waitresses who subsided on a steady diet of ice, crackers, and jolly ranchers for dessert. With backs arched and glitter covering almost every pore they welcomed me to the establishment. I quickly scanned the joint wondering if I were to catch a glimpse of my party. There were a few bikers, but mostly it was filled with twenty-thirty something middle class gents swilling cheap beer that isn't fit for man nor beast. Some are there having guy time, making guy small talk, and ordering guy food. Some had a token female at their table, but I couldn't help but think they were in tow if only to make a vain attempt at looking cool.

The waitresses might as well have tossed aside what little clothing they had on and just served the drooling masses naked. As I joined my party we were greeted by a tall girl that had the name 'Stretch' scribed on her name tag. Why it was there is anyone's guess. She could've written "I have sodomized the Pope" and few would have noticed. She was gangley with boobs that rival those of an eleven year old and little was going on behind those eyes. She complained to us that there was a table full of foreigners near us and she couldn't decipher their accents, so in Mickey Rooney fashion Stretch imitated their grasp on the English language. She seemed very upset that they "didn't speak American."

I pondered the masculine ideal of the American dream being present at this restaurant. Men flirting and being given attention by skinny women with ugly tattoos and daddy issues is hardly a new concept, but what would Hunter do? Do I embrace my fellow males who hold on to the shallow hope that one of these girls would actually talk to them outside of this place? It was like I was surrounded with Glenn Beck fans and each server was Sarah Palin. It was time to drink amongst the Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia and the smell of light beer. Drink I did.

"Feminine virtue is nothing but a convenient masculine invention." - Ninon de Lenclos

It's a twister!

As a lot of you are aware tornado season is in full swing. Sadly the storms have taken many lives and left a wake of devastation in the midwest. Last night I came to the sudden realization that north Texas is not immune to such things.

Regular programming was cancelled as weather people were discussing the outbreaks of heavy storms in our area. Winds picked up and lightning lit up the sky while thunder echoed throughout the metroplex. Sirens blared for a moment and we were warned to get into shelter. The wife and I gathered the dogs and we hid in our bedroom closet.

I had a lazy attitude about the whole affair as I'm unfamiliar with tornados. I've heard warnings about them before and nothing happened, plus the weatherman never listed our immediate area as being one prone to being caught up, so I just relaxed until there was something I felt I should be nervous about.

Finally the warnings stopped and the wife went to bed. I stayed up to see if there were going to be anymore panic inducing reports. The storms got louder and the rain came down as if it were coming out of a fire hose. I used to live in the Northwest and I'm very familiar with rain, but I've never seen precipitation like what we get here in Texas. That's saying a lot.

Our home was safe from a natural disaster thankfully and there were no reports of any Miss Gulch sightings.

"There is more good writing and good acting in any ten minutes of Twister than in, say, all of Citizen Kane." - Orson Scott Card

What a difference...

A year ago today I arrived in Texas to start a new adventure in this thing called life. For a description as to why, I suggest you read my wife's blog post.

Since I've moved I've been surprised at the stereotypes people in the Northwest have about Texas, and which came true or not. Such views are:

Everyone rides a horse: I've actually ridden horses more times than most of the people I've met here.
All Texans are Christian Conservatives: Most of my inner circle can be called Christians, but most don't attend church regularly, if at all. I've met a few of the atheist variety, and a lot are far more liberal than you might think.
There are churches on every corner: This is somewhat accurate as it is all over the South.
Everyone wears cowboy attire: You'll see a few folks wear cowboy hats and boots, but I never see it on a regular basis. As my friend and fellow former Northwesterner Travis pointed out, you see that more in Washington and Oregon.
The beer sucks: Yes Texas doesn't have the over saturation of breweries like the Puget Sound, but there are many places to find good brews none the less. Shiner is a great brewery and comparable to many in Seattle.
Everyone here is fat: While Seattle is known for being the fittest city in the US, I can say that Dallas is very image conscious when it comes to weight. Gyms are always packed and it's known for being up there with Beverly Hills when it comes to plastic surgery.
Everyone listens to country music: A few do, yes, but again it's no more than anywhere else.
It's hotter than the gates of Hades in the summer: Yes this is true.

I can say my experience here so far has been amazing. I packed up my little VW with every item I own, moved down here, got married, bought a house, got the wife a new car, and am now ready for a new adventure. Details to come soon...

"All new states are invested, more or less, by a class of noisy, second-rate men who are always in favor of rash and extreme measures, but Texas was absolutely overrun by such men." - Sam Houston

We're all stars.

At dinner Kelly stated she had a confession. My brother in-law and his wife sat in silence. She asked me to remove my sunglasses, which I thought to be strange as the sun was shining down on the patio. I was prepared to hear anything at that moment. Given the consumption of wine I deduced correctly that she wasn't pregnant, or did indeed have a bun in the oven and was proclaiming herself to be an alcoholic.

Was this an intervention of sorts? And for what exactly? I don't have any strange addictions other than lifting my shirt and placing my hairy nipples on random cars stuck in traffic.

Finally the wife confessed that we wouldn't be attending a St Patrick's Day party after dinner. The four of us would take part in my birthday present, a hockey game. Having everything a man could want my choice in gifts were simple this year. I wanted an outing that included the infamous sport. I was excited and in no way had any idea that this would come to frutition, at least not so soon.

Yeah, my wife is super cool.

We walked to American Airlines' stadium and as we strolled Kristy was pelted with what she initially thought was debris caused by wind. Such was not the case as she turned to us and we noticed that a bird decided to defecate in her eye. This did not please her. The wife scrambled to look for something that would wipe the poop from her face, but you don't want to know what she used.

Moments later Kelly and Russ were both the victims of other birds with poor toilet training. This did not please them either, but hilarity did ensue. Amazingly enough I was safe from the torment of the winged creatures. I may have Irish blood after all.

The game started off interesting as all in attendance stood for the rendition of our national anthem. This is not unusual in and of itself, but what struck me as odd is when the singer got to the lyrics mentioning stars the stadium erupted in a scream of "STARS". Also fascinating are the Ice Girls who take time to sweep up the ice in front of the goal during TV time outs and the like. Of course they are scantily clad while doing so, which is amazing considering it must be freezing down on the ice. Unlike the northwest, Texas has so many businesses with women showing their midriffs, if not more, that I believe there may be a law that requires at least one establishment in a four block radius to employ girls who don't eat and prance about in near naked attire.

The game was indeed a good one complete with fights and Dallas shutting out Chicago 5-0. There was more beer to be consumed and drink I did. The effects have reigned heavily upon me today, which is a good sign I'm getting older, but no more wiser.

"A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death." - Robert Benchley

Texas style.

"Have you ever been to a country bar," she asked with an excitement in her voice?

"I've been to many a white trash bar," I replied. "But never a country bar."

My sister in-law went on about how she believes the wife and I should accompany her and her husband to a country bar. Apparently the saloon in question has a live band and people get on the dance floor and two step in a circle. Sounds like a hoot doesn't it?

My sister in-law hates me with the burning passion of a thousand suns.

I don't know how to two-step, but I guess it's time to learn. I'm awesome at everything I do so I can rock the country western dance floor and show them Duke boys how it's done. I don't really have appropriate attire for a country bar as I'm all man, but that can easily be remedied. I shall consume a steady diet of Fox News, reruns of Reba, and beef jerky and I'll be prepared to enter this establishment to do some western boogie.

I remember dating a girl in high school who used to watch a show called 'Club Dance' on whatever the equivalent of CMT was back then. The show consisted of people two-stepping in a circle. For a half hour this happened. For some reason she and her mom knew the names of some of the dancers of the program. Apparently to be a big star on this show the only talent you needed was to follow country western dance steps. I once commented on how it looked like a redneck roller rink. She was not amused.

"I'm in this business because I despise honest labor." - Marty Robbins

Community

Last night my brother in-law invited me to attend a mens group consisting of a gathering of guys from the housing community at a local restaurant's bar. I had no idea what to expect when I arrived, but I admit I was hoping we'd all sit around a fire cooking game some hunter has killed with nothing but a Bowie knife while drinking numerous pints of stout beer. Afterward we would descend into a basement for some bare knuckle boxing. The winners would engage in an axe throwing contest with scantily clad females with pigtails nursing the wounds of the losers.

The tax bracket of the community I moved into includes the insanely wealthy to middle class. It's a fairly economically diverse place and it has it's charms. Keeping with the medieval theme the streets are named after Anglo-Saxon and Norman royalty. Some are fictional, such as King Aurthur and even Lady of the Lake while others are based around folks that actually existed. The outer walls resemble something out of a middle ages village, but not as battle hardened. Sadly they don't have hot oil stains or heads on pikes.

I go to the bar and introduce myself to the various men sitting around. All seemed like nice professional fellas who just wanted an excuse for guy time. One gent reminded me of a poor man's Peter Gallagher:We made small talk and my brother in-law's friend, Jeff, announced I was from the northern region, otherwise known as Canada in some circles.

Jeff: He's Canadian.
Paul: But he's not Canadian in so much as we refer to other people as Canadian.

For reasons that are unclear to me some folks in Texas refer to black people as Canadian. I'm not kidding. I will get to the bottom of this linguistic mystery so help me.

As I understand it, some people in the area also refer to my neighborhood as Dubai. I'm not sure why as there are no people of Arabic or even Persian descent that occupy our streets, but we do have many Indians. World geography is not their strength I guess. Mumbai would make sense.

It was suggested to me that I do not let my wife join one of the area's womens' club. When I asked why they all just lowered their heads and just asked me to trust them on this. When faced with this I'm compelled to go all super sluethy. Maybe I've been watching too many movies, but I imagine it's some sort of book club that's a gateway to a lesbian cult that worships snakes, which is actually kind of cool. There's something dark going on in this community and I'm going to expose it.

We sat and shared laughs with drinks in hand and nachos on the table. The diversity of the mens' style intrigued me. I showed up as my usual scruffy self as was the guy sitting next to me. My brother in-law was casual, but others looked like they obviously worked in sales with their polo shirts and khaki pants. Still they were all friendly and never pretentious. Personable and fun, the men there made for a good evening. None annoyed me as there was not one in attendance that was skirting the line of a Rogaine overdose nor was there the overpowering smells of too much bad cologne. They were simply good people and I look forward to sharing drinks with them again, and to unravel the mystery of my new home community. I know there's got to be one....

"There have been makeup artists who've asked if my eyebrows are real." - Peter Gallagher.

There be no bluebird.

I'd never thought I'd say this, but I'm snowed in. Yes the Lone Star state is experiencing a winter wonderland of sorts. Snow is falling as I type and it's covering a sheet of ice that's been growing for the past few days. With the flakes covering what is now roads that are little more than a skating rink offices and schools are closed for the day. Thankfully I can work from home.

So here I am in Dallas experiencing more snow in a day than Seattle does in an entire year. It's actually not difficult to navigate as there's little in the way of hills here. If it weren't for the fog one could see a wintery blanket covering the landscape for miles. Our brick neighborhood is quiet as most are staying indoors unwilling to brave the elements. Puffs of smoke are slowing escaping chimneys as others who haven't purchased Duraflame logs are seeing their savings accounts dwindle with their raising heating costs. Rolling blackouts have become the norm as the state's power infrastructure is not equipped to handle the spike.

Yes it's a snowpocalypse in North Texas and I couldn't be happier. Not only is it beautiful, but it kind of reminds me of home.

"As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words." - William Shakespeare

Tis the season..

I went to church with my brother in-law and future sister in-law yesterday to a denomination called Disciples of Christ. What's interesting about the name of the church is how anyone can call themselves disciples when no one living has ever seen Jesus. Apostles seems to be a more appropriate term, but that doesn't have a certain ring to it. I guess that's why I don't run a church, well that and other reasons.

The three of us sit down and were warmly greeted by a middle aged woman who wanted us to feel welcome at the church. What was surprising about this is that the congregation was a large one, as per usual in the Dallas area, and somehow we had 'newbies' written on our foreheads. She asked us to fill out a contact information card and gave us welcome bags, which she claimed had Starbucks gift cards.

She lied, or was simply misinformed. There were free coffee in store for us. The bag contained literature, such as the Gospel according to John, and others associated with their church's doctrine, but it also contained a package of Grandma's peanut butter cookies.

Like the other churches I've visited in the area there was no traditional choir nor was there much audience participation in the singing. Like the others it had an electric band with singers that drowned out the drones of those in the pews. It was the first time I heard a guitar solo to a Christmas song in a place of worship.

My brother in-law nudged me and noted how many ugly red Christmas sweaters were apparent. He was correct as there was a sea of them donned by elderly women. It was so bad I almost felt over dressed. I'm not sure why gaudy Christmas sweaters became popular at any time by any generation, but they still reign amongst the geriatric set.

This church, unlike the others, had communion. We were given a wheel well like platter with a small cup of grape juice and a bowl with a tiny cracker. Being raised Catholic I always expect the true vino, but most denominations prefer not to serve alcohol to their parish. This is a damn shame I feel.

"You Catholics use the real vino!" - Kevin, after attending his first Mass.

The Econolodge is wild.

While my folks were in town the wife and I decided to take them to breakfast at the chain restaurant that truly embodies southern cuisine and shopping, Cracker Barrel. I love their food with their grits and butter and all things that would send someone into a diabetic coma. Plus their store is amusing with all sorts of odd non-perishable foods and candies. Never to be outdone they have religious literature and feel good music to charm their clientele.

We pulled into the facade of good living to see an interesting site, a Girls Gone Wild bus sitting in the parking lot of an Econolodge. Yes the glorious company made famous by the country's biggest douche apparently stops regularly in Dallas hoping to exploit intoxicated women who have serious daddy issues. I'm guessing DFW has loads of women willing to be filmed in compromising situations.

I took a picture of the bus, which had pictures of scantily clad women, but later I had the awkward conversation with my mostly conservative folks what Girls Gone Wild is and why I'm aware of it's existence. I told them I've never seen a video and I'm only aware of them through late night advertising. I don't think they bought it, but I swear it's true.

I'm guessing Joe Francis has no interest in seeing me lift up my shirt on camera.

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W. C. Fields

Christmas in Texas

My parents were in town this weekend for their first visit to Dallas. The wife and I were scrambling to find things to do as we wanted them to experience Texas culture. We took them to my mother in-law's church yesterday. While it wasn't as large as Six Flags Over Jesus the place of worship was bigger than what they were used to. The music was loud, the pastor used drawings in his sermon, and there was a short, but clever skit to dramatize the nativity. They even allowed people to bring in coffee to keep them from nodding off which was kind of cool.

Afterwards we went to lunch at a barbecue place called Hard Eight. It was a rustic looking place where one could find all kinds of meats cooked on a large smoker of sorts. The food was excellent and the atmosphere was what one would expect from a Texan eatery, but they had something that really caught my eye. Their holiday decor included Christmas lights made out of shotgun shells.

Yes you read that right. I love Texas.

"You may all go to Hell, and I will go to Texas." - Davy Crockett

Our state fair is a great state fair...

This weekend I attended the cultural mecca of the Republic of Texas and that is the State Fair. In my days in the Northwest we looked upon the fair with wonder. It was known as the Disneyland of its kind filled with cheesy rides, weird food, and livestock as far as the eye could see.

Upon entering the gates I was amazed at how large it truly is. Sure everything is bigger in Texas, but the scope of this fair can take one's breath away. In Washington they have the Puyallup fair, which is large, but the one here in Dallas dwarfs it.

We wandered around and took in the sights and sounds. Fairs are great places for people watching. We saw all kinds of mullets, people with bizarre fashion sense, and everything associated with multi-cultural trash. Still people were there to have good clean fun and fun they had.

The three of us decided we would eat our way through the fair. We started with the world famous Fletcher's corn dogs. I'm not a fan of those, but these were better than the ones I remember eating in middle school. We then ate some deep fried tamales, which were bland and something I swore to never consume again. The highlight was the chicken fried bacon. Yes you read that right. It was truly an experience that can best described as awesome.

There were other foods we decided to try. The pork chop on a stick tasted like a pork chop. The fried margarita was a sham at best. The deep fried beer was disappointing and the sweet jalapeno fried shrimp was interesting. I guess I had higher hopes for the cuisine, but maybe next time I'll be more discriminating.

There was a large elaborate car show where manufacturers showed off their newest models for everyone to sit in and possibly buy. What was strange about this is that they offered them at a price higher than the MSRP and even advertised that fact just in case you felt like spending more on a car at the fair then at your local dealer. It was cool seeing the latest in automotive engineering, but really I got an overall 'meh' feeling as we eyeballed the vehicles.

Oddly enough the three of us walked by what looked to be a television crew filming an event. Upon closer inspection it was none other than Larry the Cable Guy taking part in a fried PB&J eating contest. Yes I got to see the hero of the mouth breathing white trash community. Kelly even got a picture of him interacting with his fans.

After watching a dog show and making our way through the crowds the girls decided they've had enough of the state fair. I wanted to see a bit more to see if there was something I missed, but that thought quickly left my brain as I reasoned there was little that would be of any interest. After seeing all the merchandise being sold so far I assumed it would be best if we left and digested all the deep fried goodness.

So my first trip to the fair was less than stellar, but I'm excited to go back one day and ride one of the world's largest ferris wheels. Perhaps when I have kids it'll be more fun as well.

"You may all go to Hell, and I will go to Texas." - Davy Crockett

I'm alive

Saturday I went skeet shooting with my future brother in-law and his friends. We pull in to an outdoor range and find ourselves warmly greeted by those in attendance. It was nice to see people bond over firearms. I am in Texas mind you.

I enter the store where people sign up for range use. I saw a couple of flyers on the display cases that raised a brow. One was a fundraiser for a Christian Academy. Apparently shooting guns for the Lord is the equivalent of tithing, which is kind of awesome.

Still there was another flyer that displayed a girl dressed in skimpy cowgirl garb holding a shotgun with a leg high in the air. Apparently it was an advertisement for a dance studio that also held shotgun classes. I know you think I'm lying, but I swear to all that is holy that I saw it with my own eyes.

Russ, his friend Jason, and I head to a range to get our shooting on. I for one loved it. The smell of gunpowder, the joy of seeing a clay pigeon break apart, and the technical aspects of the sport all made for an enjoyable experience. I wasn't very good, but did ok for someone unfamiliar. I could spend a lot of hours and money doing this hobby.

Afterwards the rest of the group all met up at a brewery and enjoyed pints and food. One gentleman there talked about his love for the AR15 rifle. He was so overjoyed he operates AR15.com, a website dedicated to the assault weapon. He told stories of having parties at his home where folks would bring their guns and hoot it up. Amazingly no one has been injured.

I'm serious. People here throw gun parties. This is the first, nor I doubt the last, time I've ever heard of such a thing outside of a gangster film.

Later that evening I went to a gathering for Kelly's family. The men went into a gun safe and admired numerous shotguns. Damn it I love Texas!

"Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy." - Truman Capote

Shotgun blasts are heard...

Today I was invited to skeet shoot this weekend, a sport made popular by I don't know who. Anyways for those unfamiliar, or live outside of the US, you take a shotgun and shoot at clay pigeons being tossed in the air by a mechanical arm.

Did I mention I was invited by my fiance's brother? Yes a member of the family I'm about to marry into decided we should spend quality time with firearms. Now I'm moderately familiar with gun safety and find target shooting to be a fun activity, and much more complicated than the uninformed would believe, but I'm a bit nervous around them. Sure they're dangerous and should be treated with respect, but accidents do happen.

Now Texas is known the country over for it's citizens being participants in gun ownership. No they're not just a bunch of rednecks with large trucks. They're professionals of every caliber ranging liberal intellects who masturbate to NPR to libertarians who cry every time they're reminded that lawn darts are illegal. The 2nd amendment is constantly on the minds of many as every bar I've ever been to posts signs reminding their patrons that it's against the law to carry firearms on the premises. You mean alcohol and guns don't mix?

If you don't see any more posts after Saturday you'll know what happened.

"Except for the occasional heart attack, I never felt better." - Dick Cheney

Stereotypes

I love it when stereotypes work out. Granted I'm supposed to believe that it's the language of hate, but still I find them hilarious. I'm not sure why I find things that aren't politically correct to be an endless source of humor, but I do and I make no apologies for it.

My friends in the Northwest ask me about Texas and if it does fit their preconceived notions. Listed below are but a few myths and legends that may or may not be accurate.

1. Cowboy attire - While in some events you do see folk dressed as cattlemen, but for the most part you see that more in rural Washington state. It's not something many urban Texans do.

2. Churches - This is one stereotype I can confirm is true. There are numerous small churches everywhere of every denomination of Christianity. Couple that with other faiths, such as Jewish and Muslim, and Dallas is a hot bed of the faith industry. Near my home we have one church that's so huge we call it 'Six Flags Over Jesus'. There are also many radio stations dedicated to Christianity. This is strange to me as the Northwest has such a low church going population.

3. Confederate culture - Again this is something you normally see in any rural area no matter where in the country you go. Dallas doesn't have the kitch stores like Nashville dedicated to the rebellion, but sometimes in the rural areas you see some mindless douche waving the flag on a pickup or on a t-shirt that's been worn since 1987.

4. Country music - As you would imagine the genre of music that does nothing more than place soft rock with a twang is big down here. Yes it drives me crazy.

5. Big trucks - You don't see that much in Dallas proper. Actually it's no more common here than it is anywhere else.

"All stereotypes turn out to be true. This is a horrifying thing about life. All those things you fought against as a youth: you begin to realize they're stereotypes because they're true." - David Cronenberg

Game night!

Now that I am part of a couple I get to hang around other people who are in relationships as well. While many of them have families it's difficult to get them out to my favorite bar, so we all compromise on fun and have what we call 'game night'.

After the kiddies are all sunggled in their beds the adults break out the booze and games ready to challenge each other in buzzed delight. Fun times are had as we put aside our responsibilities and let loose. Listed below are but some of the past times we engage in:

1. Cranium - A very creative game filled with trivia, pictionary, charades, and the like. It's fun as it is diverse in play.

2. The Newlywed Game - Modled after the game show of the same name it's a great way to get to know people as well as your own significant other. In some aspects you find out information you wish you hadn't known, but it's all in good fun. Warning: DO NOT play with your parents.

3. Apples to Apples - Always a big hit, this game never dissapoints.

4. The Game of Things - While a little obscure this game if full of laughs especially if you decide to play with creative and funny folk. The play is simple. They give you a scenario, such as 'Things you should never say to your in-laws'. Everyone writes down a response and it's up to players to guess who said who. Strategy is key in winning this game as well as the ability to read people. In one session the term 'Erik's balls' kept coming up over and over again

5. Rockband - It's sometimes difficult to get a group of adults to get together to play video games, but this is something everyone likes to play. Everyone likes music so it's and the game is simple, which helps.

While these are all fun sometimes I miss the games of my youth. It would be difficult to grab adult interests in these games, but some of them were loads of fun.

1. Electronic Battleship - If you don't love this game you're a facist who eats grapefruit.

2. Run Yourself Ragged - This was quite possibly the hardest board game ever. I don't think I ever got the marble to the end before the clock ran out. This game went by many names, but I believe Run Yourself Ragged was the first.



3. Monopoly - My parents bought me a Star Wars Monopoly board. It was a huge hit amongst my friends and we spent hours playing it well into my twenties.

4. Chess - I miss drunken chess. I was only fair at this game at best. The last time I played I lost to Corey. My fiance is none too happy that I own this board. I still want to try Chess Boxing.

5. Trivial Pursuit - I don't find many folks in Texas that enjoy the classic trivia game. I have many editions such as the classic, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and a version for the Xbox 360. Yes I'm a dork.

6. Memory (Concentration) - My father was always pissed off that my sister and I would always beat him.

"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible." - Dave Barry

Driving

Everything is bigger in Texas and that includes the roads. There are many differences between Seattle and Dallas when it comes to automotive transportation. In the Northwest people are very passive aggressive and are notorious for driving slow. In Dallas people are prone to hit the gas and drive at speeds that are unsafe for God and man.

Tailgating here is more acceptable and Dallas folk can and will get six inches on your bumper to remind you that your vehicle is traveling at speeds that are unacceptable to them. They often like to play 'let's see how many lane changes I can make within a hundred yards and maybe I'll win a Snickers bar'. Oh and the fine Texans also will use their horn at the drop of a hat.

While traffic can be slow at times it's nothing compared to Seattle, probably due to the fact that there are more highways, service roads, and places to make a U-turn at almost every overpass. They're nothing if not efficient down here and they want to get somewhere with a sense of urgency.

When Dallas natives complain about the traffic I laugh to myself.

"This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic." - Terry Prachett

As big as...

I was visiting an old friend from the Northwest this weekend. All through the chatting we talked about the differences between Texas and our home state. One thing he noticed on the college campus he attends is a bunch of tattoos with the state's likeness.

Yes Texas has a big ego. I've never seen someone with a tattoo of our first President on their shoulder, nor a tramp stamp with the seal of Oregon.

Another example is home decor. Kelly's brother has the Lone Star on his door while his neighbor proudly displays the Texas state flag on his fence. This is very common actually. Nowhere in the Northwest do you see that in a residence.

I guess there's nothing wrong with taking pride in where you're from, but Texas has a bit of stateism, if that's even a word. The natives like to wear the fact that they're from here like a badge. This is a place made by Jesus and atheists, hippies, and people who listen to REM are not welcome. You are constantly reminded that you're in the state of Pecos Bill, bad television dramas, football, Cheaters, and the subject of many country songs, whether you like it or not.

Texas pride; live it, feel it, know it.

"All new states are invested, more or less, by a class of noisy, second-rate men who are always in favor of rash and extreme measures, but Texas was absolutely overrun by such men." - Sam Houston

Links

Yesterday I was invited to play 18 holes of golf on a PGA course. Yes me, the person who's never had a golf lesson in my life, was in the territory of the greats.

Most of my experience playing golf is at an old par 3 course in my hometown. My friend Nic and I would often take his dad's clubs, along with a six pack of beer, and tear it up on the beat up grounds that was located in the middle of an industrial park. We never cared about the score, nor did anything really matter besides how much alcohol we consumed and how much fun we were having.

I met up with Kelly's brother, dad, and step-dad (yes they hang out frequently) at the Four Seasons resort ready to show off my ineptness at the Scottish game. Even though I usually play on par 3 courses I've played 18 holes before, even without a cart. I figured it would be a nice leisurely day, but I hadn't counted on one factor, the friggin heat.

The day before Kelly bought me a polo that breathes and some shoes that would accommodate hot weather, but it still wasn't enough. I felt like I was on fire. Sweat gushed out of every pore while I prayed to Mars that I wouldn't get swamp ass.

It didn't help my golf game any. Most of my drives, or lack thereof, were followed by screams of "worthless pig fucking communist" and "I used to fuck whores like you in high school." Payne Stewart I am not, but I made the most of it as everyone else showed me up. Kelly's brother noticed that I've never been taught how to swing correctly and gave me some pointers, but it didn't help matters much. I slowed everyone down and seemed to get under their skin. It was so bad I just gave up halfway through the last few holes so we could end at a reasonable time.

I was so dehydrated and sun burnt I rushed home in a daze. Kelly called me and asked if I was ok, but I guess I sounded like Henry Kissinger on quaaludes on the phone which made her quite nervous. She ordered me to drink as much water as I could handle.

The group made tentative plans to golf while we're all in the Bahamas for my wedding. I'd rather try masturbating with a belt sander.

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing." - Dave Barry

Children should listen to Big Mama

When I first visited Dallas Kelly took me to the Dallas Zoo. We heard it was kind of ghetto compared to the one in Fort Worth, but we went anyways. It's not located in the best of neighborhoods and had an annoying song looping at the park entrance, but we both had a pleasant time seeing the animals. Most of the stores around the zoo had bars on the windows and looked a bit rough, but they had character. On the drive home though we saw something I never imagined every laying my eyes upon.

We saw a large billboard on the freeway with an older black woman dressed with a handkerchief over her head and had a very maternal smile. On the other side was a young black man who seemed to be pulling his pants down exposing his underwear. The sign stated the wise words of the elderly woman:

"Big Mama says: Pull Em Up! Keep it a secret."

I like Big Mama's attempt at destroying the fad that started in the early 90s. One would think that pulling down your pants would've gone out of style long ago, but sadly it has carried on. Still I was curious to how this billboard ended up on the freeway next to the sketchier neighborhood in Dallas. Interestingly enough it's a campaign by Dallas Mayor Caraway who feels strongly that showing your boxers can lead to many social ills.

I just think it's stupid, so he's got my vote.

I wonder if Seattle's mayor will put billboards on I5 saying "Grizzly boy says: Don't wear socks with sandals. If it's cold wear shoes."

"It's young people -- 18- and 19-year-old voters -- who put Barack Obama in the White House. You are powerful. So look like it." - Irma P. Hall, Big Mama model.