Thursday Music

Given the over saturation of music in our lives most people associate a song with an event or emotion. We all do this, even if it's a commercial jingle, television theme, or a part of a film soundtrack. Why we as humans do this is something I've yet to understand, but don't really care to.

When I was a wedding photographer I saw scores of first dances and people serenading the couple with their favorite song. Usually it was some top ten hit that was popular for about six months then years later everyone forgot about. What seemed like an exclusive memorable tune for the couple was over saturation to anyone who worked in the industry.

The songs were always the same. They were simple pop or country ballads that weren't steeped in allegory. The lyrics were direct, the orchestration sophomoric, and the beat was slow. Still it worked for the couples and they probably cherish that moment they heard 'our song' at their wedding.

Now I'm one of those couples. Yes we have a song. Amazing how time changes someone. As sappy as it may be, and as much as I loathe the genre that is modern country, it does speak volumes about how I feel about the woman I'm happily going to spend the rest of my days with. I hope to dance to this with her when I'm 80.

"I think it took me a while to convince Nashville that what I do is genuine and my heart's in the right place, and I love country music." - Keith Urban

A week...

In a week's time I'll be on a plane, ready to tie the knot in a beach ceremony. This week has been all kinds of busy for my fiance as she's packing, planning, and running all kinds of ragged making sure we everything in order for our trip. Today coworkers are throwing us a shower and Friday some festivities will occur.

So today at a meeting the following conversation took place.

Her: You ready to get married?
Me: I sure am.
Her: They say people change when they get married. I never did.
Another girl: I didn't either, except I got annoyed with him.
Me: That's reassuring.
Him: Just make sure you buy all your toys before you get married.

Everyone has been asking all sorts of questions wondering if I'm nervous or anything. I am a bit concerned about the wedding. It is Kelly's day after all and I want everything to go smoothly. Thankfully we'll be avoiding hurricane Diane, so severe weather shouldn't be a problem. It's a small affair and I'm just excited it's happening at all. I only want to do this once so I want it done right.

"I chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, for qualities that would wear well." - Oliver Goldsmith

I'm alive

Saturday I went skeet shooting with my future brother in-law and his friends. We pull in to an outdoor range and find ourselves warmly greeted by those in attendance. It was nice to see people bond over firearms. I am in Texas mind you.

I enter the store where people sign up for range use. I saw a couple of flyers on the display cases that raised a brow. One was a fundraiser for a Christian Academy. Apparently shooting guns for the Lord is the equivalent of tithing, which is kind of awesome.

Still there was another flyer that displayed a girl dressed in skimpy cowgirl garb holding a shotgun with a leg high in the air. Apparently it was an advertisement for a dance studio that also held shotgun classes. I know you think I'm lying, but I swear to all that is holy that I saw it with my own eyes.

Russ, his friend Jason, and I head to a range to get our shooting on. I for one loved it. The smell of gunpowder, the joy of seeing a clay pigeon break apart, and the technical aspects of the sport all made for an enjoyable experience. I wasn't very good, but did ok for someone unfamiliar. I could spend a lot of hours and money doing this hobby.

Afterwards the rest of the group all met up at a brewery and enjoyed pints and food. One gentleman there talked about his love for the AR15 rifle. He was so overjoyed he operates AR15.com, a website dedicated to the assault weapon. He told stories of having parties at his home where folks would bring their guns and hoot it up. Amazingly no one has been injured.

I'm serious. People here throw gun parties. This is the first, nor I doubt the last, time I've ever heard of such a thing outside of a gangster film.

Later that evening I went to a gathering for Kelly's family. The men went into a gun safe and admired numerous shotguns. Damn it I love Texas!

"Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy." - Truman Capote

Office relations

Yesterday I decided to partake in a quarterly catered lunch here at work. The food was ok at best as they served BBQ cuisine in a buffet style. It was edible and free, so I couldn't complain.

I was sitting in my cubicle typing away when I felt my intestines rumble. Gas was building in my stomach and I knew I was about to be as deadly as a nuclear weapon. Instead of exposing the dear souls sitting around me to my noxious ass I made a break for the bathroom.

I walked briskly, but each step made my stomach curdle more and the buildup to disaster even worse. I clenched it in and walked in a manner that made me look like I was disabled. I finally made it to the bathroom door and as I placed my hand on the knob I couldn't hold it anymore. The sound of the release resembled a foghorn and may have lasted as long.

No one was around to hear it, or so I thought. I hear a bunch of giggles from behind me and find three girls eyeballing me and taking much amusement in my fartiness. I excused myself and walked into the bathroom. I had nothing else left in me.

Keeping the office amused, it's what I do.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut

Shotgun blasts are heard...

Today I was invited to skeet shoot this weekend, a sport made popular by I don't know who. Anyways for those unfamiliar, or live outside of the US, you take a shotgun and shoot at clay pigeons being tossed in the air by a mechanical arm.

Did I mention I was invited by my fiance's brother? Yes a member of the family I'm about to marry into decided we should spend quality time with firearms. Now I'm moderately familiar with gun safety and find target shooting to be a fun activity, and much more complicated than the uninformed would believe, but I'm a bit nervous around them. Sure they're dangerous and should be treated with respect, but accidents do happen.

Now Texas is known the country over for it's citizens being participants in gun ownership. No they're not just a bunch of rednecks with large trucks. They're professionals of every caliber ranging liberal intellects who masturbate to NPR to libertarians who cry every time they're reminded that lawn darts are illegal. The 2nd amendment is constantly on the minds of many as every bar I've ever been to posts signs reminding their patrons that it's against the law to carry firearms on the premises. You mean alcohol and guns don't mix?

If you don't see any more posts after Saturday you'll know what happened.

"Except for the occasional heart attack, I never felt better." - Dick Cheney

Stereotypes

I love it when stereotypes work out. Granted I'm supposed to believe that it's the language of hate, but still I find them hilarious. I'm not sure why I find things that aren't politically correct to be an endless source of humor, but I do and I make no apologies for it.

My friends in the Northwest ask me about Texas and if it does fit their preconceived notions. Listed below are but a few myths and legends that may or may not be accurate.

1. Cowboy attire - While in some events you do see folk dressed as cattlemen, but for the most part you see that more in rural Washington state. It's not something many urban Texans do.

2. Churches - This is one stereotype I can confirm is true. There are numerous small churches everywhere of every denomination of Christianity. Couple that with other faiths, such as Jewish and Muslim, and Dallas is a hot bed of the faith industry. Near my home we have one church that's so huge we call it 'Six Flags Over Jesus'. There are also many radio stations dedicated to Christianity. This is strange to me as the Northwest has such a low church going population.

3. Confederate culture - Again this is something you normally see in any rural area no matter where in the country you go. Dallas doesn't have the kitch stores like Nashville dedicated to the rebellion, but sometimes in the rural areas you see some mindless douche waving the flag on a pickup or on a t-shirt that's been worn since 1987.

4. Country music - As you would imagine the genre of music that does nothing more than place soft rock with a twang is big down here. Yes it drives me crazy.

5. Big trucks - You don't see that much in Dallas proper. Actually it's no more common here than it is anywhere else.

"All stereotypes turn out to be true. This is a horrifying thing about life. All those things you fought against as a youth: you begin to realize they're stereotypes because they're true." - David Cronenberg

Monday Music

Yesterday I went to Game Stop to pick up a gift certificate for a friend of mine, but of course I walked out with something. My fiance is a fan of The Beattles, so I purchased the Rockband game with their namesake. We got home and plopped in the disc and to my surprise it was a lot of fun. While I'm only a fan of the band after they discovered drugs I still enjoyed playing along with their classics.

After playing a bit we started in with Rockband 2. Since her family and friends really enjoy the game we browsed the marketplace to find some hits. Some were silly, like Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing' and Billy Idol's 'Rebel Yell', I had to add some favorites of mine. I downloaded The Cult and The Pixies, but to my wondering eyes did appear one we absolutely had to have. It was Eric Cartman singing Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face'.

So today I bring you the infamous South Park character singing pop tunes:



"Jerry Bruckheimer creates comedy, he just doesn't realize because he's a turd." - Trey Parker

Wiwille is a traitor.

I have betrayed my brethren last night in ways unthinkable. For years I've taken a stand that I would never subject myself to various substances that were unworthy of consumption. I arrogantly looked down upon others that do, raising an eyebrow with a combination of curiosity and disgust at how a person could put that stuff in their body. Last night though I did what I never thought I would ever do, I drank light beer.

Me - You ever here the light beer joke?
Her - No.
Me - Drinking light beer is like having sex in a canoe. It's fucking near water.

I couldn't believe she hadn't heard that.

I was handed a Bud Light and took it in stride. I opened the can and raised it to my lips. It was as awful as I remember it. It's like really flat diet soda with less flavor and harnesses the ability to deplete my testosterone levels to the point where I could turn into Richard Simmons. I couldn't believe I was continuing to drink it, but I was well lit already and didn't want to appear rude by turning it down.

My Seattle friends will now disown me. I don't blame them.

"People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot." -Capital Brewery

Thursday Music

As it may come as a shock to no one my music tastes differ greatly from that of my fiance. Yes it's true you'll not find her listening to old Metallica, Beethoven, or the classic works of Depeche Mode. My aesthetic sensibilities vary, so it's a chore to ask that someone is like minded in that regard and quite frankly I wouldn't think of doing so. It's more interesting to be with someone who has different interests than my own.

Of course a lot of the music she listens has little to no interest to me. Some though is absolutely fascinating. Take for instance one of her current favorite songs, Katy Perry's "California Gurls".

I first heard this song in the car on my own and immediately changed the station. It just sounded as stupid as the misspelling in the title. Yet upon another listening of the hit single I'm dumbfounded at what exactly she's trying to say, if anything. Take for instance the line about girls skin melting popsicles. Are west coast girls radioactive? Is wearing a bikini top really the proper way to represent the west coast? What exactly is in the water that makes these girls who they are? Is the Governator using mind control drugs with the drinking supply? Isn't Snoop Dog like 60?

She may just be the prophet of our time and we're all ignoring her wisdom because her music is a bag of ass. Oh and she's hot...so hot. Just look at her! Mmmmm....

So today I bring you the prophetic visions of today's Oracle at Delphi:



"It was just like one of those days, ‘Guess what, mom? I kissed a girl!’ ‘Guess what, mom? I’m going to be naked in a music video!" - Katy Perry

Honor

Some people don't really understand my loathing for Sarah Palin. Some think I have some secret anti-female bias, others believe that I hold some deep seeded Seattle liberal values. I can assure you that neither are the case.

It's not her values or her rhetoric that I hate so much, it's how she's poorly represented her state and the Republican party. She couldn't handle the pressure of being Governor, so she resigned claiming she wanted to spend more time with her family. How traveling about the country and giving speeches for a few thousand a pop and going on a book tour can equate to quality time with your loved ones is anyone's guess.

She's also dumb. Really really dumb. If the video below doesn't prove this to you I don't know what will. Enjoy her smug attempt to engage in debate with one of her former supporters:



"Protection and liberty belong only to the nations who serve the Lord God Almighty the creator of the Universe. Every nation that forgets God has and always will go into captivity. You want proof America of this, go ahead and watch what is about to happen to your liberty, now that you have cast out God's things and embraced the things of His enemies, who come to kill, steal and destroy." - Sarah Palin

More crazy people....

On Friday I was tasked with stopping by the vet clinic to pick up some food and medicine for our doggies. There was construction all along the street and they made the driveway so narrow only one car could fit through. I was awaiting a car to exit the vet, but they were turning left on a busy street. Rather than sit there for five minutes I pulled into another driveway which led to a day care. I figured on only being in the clinic for a short spell, so I parked my car and walked in and got my things.

I walk to my car with dog food and other items in hand and I see a woman standing near my car. She asks me who I am. I told her I was no one special and opened my car and placed the things on the passenger seat.

The woman told me I was not allowed to park there. I apologized and explained the situation and that I would be on my way. The conversation descended into madness after that.

Her: I called a tow truck.
Me: Ok. Well I'm out of here anyways so I'd call them and cancel.
Her: You can't leave.
Me: Uhh...yes I can.
Her: No you can't. I called a tow truck.
Me: Mam, I'm not sitting here waiting for a tow truck to take my car. I'm sorry, but I'm leaving.
Her: No you can't.
Me: Oh yeah? Watch me.

I enter my car and start it up. She stands in front of it trying to block me from leaving. I back out and shake my head as she's yelling something incomprehensible.

This crazy woman watches children for a living. Think about that.

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" - Albert Einstein

Game night!

Now that I am part of a couple I get to hang around other people who are in relationships as well. While many of them have families it's difficult to get them out to my favorite bar, so we all compromise on fun and have what we call 'game night'.

After the kiddies are all sunggled in their beds the adults break out the booze and games ready to challenge each other in buzzed delight. Fun times are had as we put aside our responsibilities and let loose. Listed below are but some of the past times we engage in:

1. Cranium - A very creative game filled with trivia, pictionary, charades, and the like. It's fun as it is diverse in play.

2. The Newlywed Game - Modled after the game show of the same name it's a great way to get to know people as well as your own significant other. In some aspects you find out information you wish you hadn't known, but it's all in good fun. Warning: DO NOT play with your parents.

3. Apples to Apples - Always a big hit, this game never dissapoints.

4. The Game of Things - While a little obscure this game if full of laughs especially if you decide to play with creative and funny folk. The play is simple. They give you a scenario, such as 'Things you should never say to your in-laws'. Everyone writes down a response and it's up to players to guess who said who. Strategy is key in winning this game as well as the ability to read people. In one session the term 'Erik's balls' kept coming up over and over again

5. Rockband - It's sometimes difficult to get a group of adults to get together to play video games, but this is something everyone likes to play. Everyone likes music so it's and the game is simple, which helps.

While these are all fun sometimes I miss the games of my youth. It would be difficult to grab adult interests in these games, but some of them were loads of fun.

1. Electronic Battleship - If you don't love this game you're a facist who eats grapefruit.

2. Run Yourself Ragged - This was quite possibly the hardest board game ever. I don't think I ever got the marble to the end before the clock ran out. This game went by many names, but I believe Run Yourself Ragged was the first.



3. Monopoly - My parents bought me a Star Wars Monopoly board. It was a huge hit amongst my friends and we spent hours playing it well into my twenties.

4. Chess - I miss drunken chess. I was only fair at this game at best. The last time I played I lost to Corey. My fiance is none too happy that I own this board. I still want to try Chess Boxing.

5. Trivial Pursuit - I don't find many folks in Texas that enjoy the classic trivia game. I have many editions such as the classic, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and a version for the Xbox 360. Yes I'm a dork.

6. Memory (Concentration) - My father was always pissed off that my sister and I would always beat him.

"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible." - Dave Barry

Thursday Music

My grandfather was a hobo. As a teenager he decided to hop a train and live the life of a bum. He never could explain what exactly was running through his head when he decided to live the life of a homeless one, but he had interesting stories about the lifestyle. He indicated that there were some things he wouldn't discuss which was just as well. I was probably better off not knowing and let him take some of those tales to his grave.

The old time hobo is often romanticized in pop culture, but I imagine it's a life few of us would live. Without the conveniences of modern dwellings we'd go insane just attempting to light a fire on a daily basis or living off the greens of the land.

So in honor of my grandfather's lifestyle choice I bring you a song that detailed the dreams of many a hobo:



"I have sung in hobo jungles, and I have sung for the Rockefellers, and I am proud that I have never refused to sing for anybody." - Pete Seeger

Can we fix it?

Yesterday was a soaring 104 degrees (not sure what that is in Canadian). People were melting and orphans were grilling roadkill on the sidewalks. Yes it was a scorcher, but I had errands to run and run them I did.

On my way about town I drove past our house that is under construction. I saw a bunch of employees toil away as they were working on our foundation. Covered from head to toe to avoid a sunburn I imagine they smelt like feet wrapped in bacon.

I pity those men. They have to lug heavy items in weather unfit for man or beast. They work hard every day and break their backs to build homes and risk life and limb. I wanted to buy them water, beer, or a bag of ice to cool their sun soaked skin, but I imagine they're probably prepared for such heat. They're of a different yolk. If the average office worker tried to do what they do for one day they'd pass out from heat stroke, exhaustion, or from being a total wuss. Yes I would too.

So here's to you construction workers of the Dallas-Fort Worth area. I toast you from my climate controlled cubicle, for you are much more of a man than I'll ever be.

"If a building looks better under construction than it does when finished, then it's a failure." - Doug Coupland

Wiwille hates himself

Former nude model and high school dropout Levi Johnston and his abstinence poster child fiance Bristol Palin seem to be on the outs. Shortly after they announced to the world via an entertainment rag of their upcoming nuptials it's been reported that they are no longer an item. You will always remember this day as it is the one when romance died.

Why do I know this? Why do I care? They're teenagers with nary an education and have no consequence on my life. Bristol's mother holds no elected office, but still I'm strangely fascinated by the personal politics of rural Alaskans. I normally thumb my nose at those who follow celebrity culture, but here I am reading Levi's sister's blog and hating myself the whole time.

The on again, off again drama of the snowbillies should not be public fodder, nor should I eat it up. I know better. There's no good reason to follow this news, but I do. I guess politics is just like entertainment, they're both steeped in useless drama.

Editor's note: If anything on Mercede Johnston's blog is true, and I'm willing to bet it is, the Palin's are an vindictive, spoiled lot.

"I'm pro-life. I'll do all I can to see every baby is created with a future and potential. The legislature should do all it can to protect human life." - Sarah Palin

Weird dreams with Wiwille

Last night I had a nightmare to end all. I was talking with an old friend from childhood, Mary, who asked about some DVDs. She said she wanted them, because an ex-girlfriend sent her to retrieve them for reasons unclear to me. I argued with her about the movies, wondering why an ex would even want them, but she insisted it was important. She ended up stealing them and running away.

I was then lying in my old bunk bed in my old family home. I hear my dad rummaging through some stuff and then he starts yelling.

"GODAMN IT. SON OF A BITCH."

He then leapt onto my bed with an old ripped t-shirt on and had the wild look of an angry wolf. He got in the mounted position and had his fist up ready to reign his clenched hands down on me. He kept looking at me with a fierce gaze of someone who snorted a lot of cocaine. I kept trying to talk him down, but he kept his arm up ready to throw down.

Kelly then woke me up. She said I was mumbling gibberish in my sleep. I thanked her, for that was quite possibly the freakiest dream I've ever had.

As most sons I feared my father when I was a young lad. He was at one time the most powerful man on the planet to my wee eyes. With age that depiction changed, but his presence, which once seemed awesome, never has truly diminished.

"Children wish fathers looked but with their eyes; fathers that children with their judgment looked; and either may be wrong." - William Shakespeare

Build it.

Recently in Arlington Texas vandals defaced a mosque with graffiti demeaning those who believe in Islam. A large church is holding a book burning where followers will throw copies of the Koran in the fire. It's a sad fact that those folk who follow the prophet have to live in a country known for it's freedom to practice whatever religion you choose encounter such bigotry.

But this is an extreme example of simple minded folk who will point blame at 9/11, their fallen brethren in the war on terror, and various other violent acts on whatever seems reasonable to them. They can't punch a member of Al-Queda personally, so they'll cowardly spray paint buildings of those who may share similar faiths.

Recently there has been a proposed Islamic center that will be built near ground zero. The recreational facility for Muslims has sparked all kinds of protests from those who feel it's insensitive to those who died in the World Trade Center. Instead of blaming extremism, the politics of having a U.S. base on 'Holy Land', or our policy with Israel they feel the heart of the matter rests in the Koran. What these people fail to forget is that the majority of suicide bombings are the result of socialist revolutionaries, but they happen in parts of the world we don't care about. But I digress...

I hear many on the right claim that we're a nation founded on Christian principles, but I seriously think they need to actually read a history book and the Bible. No where in the Testaments new and old does it give a foundation for a Constitutional Republic. I've never seen words written in red where Christ talks about the importance of the filibuster or Paul writing to the Corinthians concerning deficit spending. Perhaps I wasn't reading close enough.

And yes, even Sarah Palin regards the community center as an affront to the memories of those poor people who lost their lives on that tragic day. What they all fail to realize is that not all of them were WASPs who raised bald eagles. A lot of them, wait for it, were Muslim. Yes many of that faith died in the Twin Towers. If the Al-Queda attack was solely about religion you would think they'd choose another target, say the Vatican?

It's unfair and wrong to accuse people who simply want to follow their holy book, regardless of how ridiculous the text may be, of being associated with those who walk the fringe. I won't stand in front of the LDS temple in Salt Lake City accusing the men of marrying multiple 14 year old girls, nor is it right to assume all priests want some man-boy loving.

Besides there's a mosque less than a couple blocks from ground zero.

I can understand one's frustration regarding terrorism as it's a difficult concept for us to grasp. Most of us are unsure why people are so hell bent on destroying us and our way of life and even when the reasons come to light they still seem ludicrous to most. Yet to protest a recreation center in this manner is low.

If you want to honor the fallen protest the fact that the World Trade Center has yet to be built up again, after ten friggin years. I can't think of a better way to give the middle finger to those who would destroy us. Let them know that we won't let ourselves be victims. We will be vigilant in remaining the proud Americans we are. The fact that little has been done to construct a new center on ground zero is the real slap in the face to the innocents who perished there. I find it disgusting.

"Peace-seeking Muslims, pls understand, Ground Zero mosque is unnecessary provocation; it stabs hearts," - Sarah Palin

What I hate about you.

Facebook. We all use it, sometimes against our better judgement. While it has many benefits such as the ability to keep in touch with those you might not otherwise, easily sharing photos with friends and family, and/or stalking that person that dumped you hoping they got fat and grew moles on their eyelids, it does have its downfalls.

Many people complain about the social networking site, its perceived confusing privacy settings, and the amount of information about their friends and loved ones they didn't want to know. Here are but a few things I find annoying about Facebook:

1. Those stupid chain status updates - You know what I'm talking about. Those people who feel it necessary to tell their FB friends to repost something like "If you love your family member, hate cancer, support the military, worship the baby Jesus post this in your status update." I'm not sure what they're attempting to accomplish by this.

2. News - I like news. I listen to NPR on my commute to try and keep up with the day's events. I find it odd though when I log in to my news feed that many feel it necessary to post an article with a sound byte that may or may not be clever even though it's intended to be. Do they think they're doing a public service by announcing to everyone about such an item? Sometimes the news event can be described as interesting or even entertaining, but more often than not it's some bullshit about local crime and whatnot.

3. Political status updates - I'm not against voicing an opinion on the current state of nation, but when one does it on Facebook it seems pretentious. Sure I do enough opining on this blog, but people choose to see it when they come to this site. When one logs into Facebook they're kind of held hostage to view a person's two bits when they scroll through the news feed. I will admit seeing some of the posts from my friends who have views that seem outside of the mainstream can be entertaining. There are those that I'm sure wake up on a daily basis and feel compelled to teach us how some conservative talking head is full of crap, as if we didn't already know that. To be expected there are those on the right that would like to regularly remind us of how Obama is a socialist Kenyan Muslim who bathes in the blood of aborted fetuses.

4. Farmville and the like - I don't mind seeing an update regarding how someone plays a game. I simply click 'Hide' and choose the application I no longer wish to view. It's that simple. Still I'm reminded on a frequent basis how much someone loathes those games they don't play. We don't care. I tried Farmtown for a while, but it got boring quick. Still I have no hate for others that do play those games. They're no more stupid than the ones I waste time with on my Xbox.

5. Personal drama - Again I've posted my own dating highs and lows on this blog, but I reasonably attempt to keep the people involved anonymous. People who come to this blog choose to of their own free will, but Facebook is another beast all together. Posting about your ex, and all their faults, is just tacky, especially due to the fact it's broadcast to a lot of people they know.

So in conclusion Facebook can be a lot of fun. Clever status updates, seeing your friends be happy with the lives and family they have chosen, and catching up with those you haven't seen in a long time can be a pleasant experience. Let's try and keep it that way.

Wow I just galloped on my high horse there.

"Facebook quote - When someone says something foolish, stupid, or of very little value you put them on blast by adding it as a 'facebook book quote' on facebook so the whole world can admire their stupidity." - Urban Dictionary

Doggie

Yesterday I arrive home to discover a new dog in our midst. Kelly and I are dog sitting a bulldog she once owned named Tank. He's an adorable pooch with an attentive personality and a sweet disposition. He doesn't seem to play that well with other dogs though, but he hasn't been too nasty to ours.

I like bulldogs, so it works for me. I think they're cute and they make funny sounds while in slumber, but there's one thing this Tank has that can and will drive me crazy. The dog has some terrible gas.

I'm not talking typical dog farts that only give a wrinkle in the nose in disgust. I'm talking about clearing the room, the neighborhood, or hell the whole town. I was in the shower this morning, which is laden with many a fragrant product, when I catch a wiff of Tank's noxious ass that almost made me pass out.

I think the Kaiser used bulldogs on the Western Front.

We're watching him until Friday, that is if our place doesn't become a threat to human health and the authorities don't send in their hazmat suit wearing folk for decontamination.

"Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity." -Margaret Halsey

The Chinese chicken.

In the Northwest Asian supermarkets are quite numerous. Kelly has never been to one, so it was time to open her eyes to a whole new world. We walked into a place called Super H. What the 'H' stands for is anyone's guess.

I was disappointed that they didn't bang a gong when we walked through the doors. Instead they had a sound system and monitor at the front for sale that played Asian top 40 hits.

The place stunk of seafood and almost had a scent like that of a pet store, which is funny when you think about it. They had quite the selection of fish and I was reminded of Pike's Place Market. The prices were reasonable, but some of the packaging was not in English so we had no idea what the product actually was. The aisles were packed and narrow with many cheery folk who enjoyed good savings on produce and the like. The loudspeakers played songs from the Beach Boys to Depeche Mode.

We noticed that we were but a few of the only white people there. I guess we're not their target, but given all the good deals there I'll be sure to be back.

"Horsemeat in many European and Asian countries is consumed as a delicacy." - Elton Gallegly

The force will be strong with this one.

"Are you bored," she asked while we were browsing through Babies R Us.

"No," I replied. "Just thinking."

She didn't believe me, which I guess makes sense. We were walking through the Wal-Mart of baby stores looking for items for our yet to be conceived child. Yes child fever has hit and it's a sure bet that we'll be trying for one shortly after our nuptials.

As Kelly looked at the items she was busy wondering what would match for either sex as I kept thinking how cool a lot of this stuff is. My folks didn't have motorized rockers, car seats that strap to a stroller, or car seats at all for that matter. Yes the baby industry is huge with products that protect and spoil our precious little snowflakes. I saw all sorts of stuff that advertise how your infant will face certain doom if they don't drink from certain bottles and the like. I even saw homeopathic remedies, which I find personally disgusting.

"Honey," I said. "I want a hovercraft stroller."

"Sure," she replied. "You go right ahead." Every man who's ever been in a relationship knows exactly what girls mean when they say that.

What I held back is the fact that I want a water gun strapped to it as well and surround sound stereo that'll play 'The Imperial March' whenever the little tyke desires. And yes I want a crib designed as the Death Star complete with light up laser cannons.

Soon I'll have a garage with adequate space for constructing such devices....hmm...

"I wish everyone was a sci-fi geek because then there would be no violence in the world. There'd be no wars. There'd only be people e-mailing each other." - Claudia Christian

Films you need to see - Confusion edition

I normally enjoy a film that breaks the conventions of traditional narrative and offers a bit of a puzzle for the viewers to figure out. I understand some simply like simple, classic entertainment styles when watching a movie, and I do at times, but I do like it when a director attempts to challenge me.

I recently read a poll in England where the readers voted 'Vanilla Sky' as the most confusing film they've seen. I can't understand why. The entirety of the plot is told to the viewer at the end. Maybe people were expecting a rom-com when they purchased their tickets and not a sci-fi piece about the reality we choose. Most I know don't care for this film, but I like it. I will admit the film it was based on (i.e. ripped off) was far superior.

I'll chronicle the films I found myself trying to wrap my brain around when the credits rolled. Feel free to add your own in the comments as I'm sure I'll be missing something.

1. 2001 - A Space Oddessy: While the first two acts are simple enough to follow and the symbolism isn't difficult to grasp the ending of the third act is a bit of a mind twist to say the least. While it didn't require much thought to grasp the concept of the monolith I've given up trying to figure out what was going on exactly in the room sequence.

2. Memento: You may be saying this wasn't confusing at all even with the non-linear story line, but there's one quick shot that throws me. You know what I'm talking about. Still it's one of my favorite films of all time and I highly recommend it.3. Primer: It helps that I don't have a strong background in physics, but I never truly understood what was going on in this story of time travel gone completely awry. I've been told that repeated viewings help, but the aesthetics of the movie hardly warrant it. Still it's an interesting tale, if not cheaply constructed.4. Lost Highway: I think David Lynch loves messing with his fans. Oh and he likes drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. I watched this film with my friend Corey who's only comment after the credits rolled was a raise of his hands and a baffled look. Actually it's unfair to pick on Lost Highway alone as a lot of Lynch films (Eraserhead, Mullholland Drive) would qualify. Still I enjoyed this for reasons I can't explain.5. Zardoz: I can't recommend this film at all unless you really like weird, B sci-fi films that make little sense. In the first five minutes there's a floating stone head that rants about how the penis is evil and the gun is good and orders a bunch of hairy men in skimpy outfits to take up arms and kill. It then spews a bunch of weapons and ammunition out of it's mouth. It gets stranger after that. When Sean Connery in a wedding dress is the least surreal aspect of the film you know it has problems. Still considered a cult classic by many, but one I'll never even attempt to watch again. The most confusing aspect of this movie is trying to figure out how it ever became one.

"Every once in a while, a movie like that comes along; a movie you've got to see so that you, too, can be in the dark about it. In the movie's (Zardoz's) own terms, this much can be said for sure: It may not make you an Apathetic, but it will certainly age you by two hours." - Roger Ebert

Reach out and touch someone.

A couple of months ago Kelly and I decided to get a family plan for our cell phone service. As we were being helped by a salesman, who had an uncanny resemblance to a Sumo wrestler, advised us that if we were going to share coverage that one of us would need to change our phone numbers, because they have to be in the same market according to their corporate standards.

Odd, but I decided to get rid of the number I've had for a number of years and got something local to the Dallas area. The salesman looked at Kelly and told her that was the definition of commitment.

It wasn't hard to update my friends and family about the change, but I've received a number of calls from random folk apologizing for getting the wrong number. It doesn't happen often and always the callers are polite.

Recently though I've got some rather strange calls. About a week ago someone rang my cell and asked if I sniffed gopher farts.

"Not today," was my reply. They laughed and hung up. For a while I seemed to stop receiving unknown calls, until today. A person whose voice in no way resembled the first weird caller announced that his bladder infection was part of a Zionist plot and disconnected.

This makes me wonder about the nature of the person who had my number previously. Were they a victim of a lot of pranks? Are they a conspiracy nut, such as a Truther or Birther? Do they associate with like minded crazies? Were they recently arrested for storming into the Texas State Capitol building wearing nothing but a diaper on their head claiming they were responsible for the career of Shia LeBeouf?

Now one would normally advise me to stop answering calls from unrecognized number, but I won't do that. It's too entertaining.

"Frank Rizzo, that character is modeled on my dad." - Johnny Brennan

Driving

Everything is bigger in Texas and that includes the roads. There are many differences between Seattle and Dallas when it comes to automotive transportation. In the Northwest people are very passive aggressive and are notorious for driving slow. In Dallas people are prone to hit the gas and drive at speeds that are unsafe for God and man.

Tailgating here is more acceptable and Dallas folk can and will get six inches on your bumper to remind you that your vehicle is traveling at speeds that are unacceptable to them. They often like to play 'let's see how many lane changes I can make within a hundred yards and maybe I'll win a Snickers bar'. Oh and the fine Texans also will use their horn at the drop of a hat.

While traffic can be slow at times it's nothing compared to Seattle, probably due to the fact that there are more highways, service roads, and places to make a U-turn at almost every overpass. They're nothing if not efficient down here and they want to get somewhere with a sense of urgency.

When Dallas natives complain about the traffic I laugh to myself.

"This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic." - Terry Prachett

Retail

As anyone who's worked retail is aware, it can be an unpleasant experience. In today's entitlement culture the general public feels that the world owes them a living and they'll lie and act like 7 year olds to get their way. Often times workers will take heaps of verbal abuse from those who think they should get a discount on each and every item they purchase. Tantrums, swearing, and even threats of violence are not unfamiliar to the average retail worker.

I think all who work with customers should have a week long retreat at store that has goods for ridiculously low prices. The catch is the employees can say whatever they want to customers without the risk of being terminated.

What makes retail work more frustrating is parents and their children. I can't blame kids for misbehaving. They're kids. That's what they do at times. I do hate parents who will not enforce discipline when out in public. I imagine parenting is hard and with everyone willing to report you to CPS for spanking a child folks the country over are often afraid to seem to strict. A lot of them are exhausted and don't want to start a scene, but it's still no excuse to let your child run through the aisles screaming.

I once worked at a camera counter for a big box retailer. A woman was walking through the department with a kid behind her begging for a toy. She kept saying no, but the kid kept on wailing about how he'll never ask for anything again as long as she would buy him a cowboy gun set he had in his hands. To her credit she held firm in her stance and after much debate she grabbed it and set it out of his reach on top of a shelf holding VCRs. The kid screamed like a banshee and voiced his displeasure with yells of hatred towards his mom. She ignored his cries and walked on with her back to him to which the little tyke wasn't happy about. He decided to shake the shelf in an attempt to bring the toy to his waiting arms all the while announcing to her and the rest of North America that he hated everything about her. Before I could run over there to stop the inevitable I saw an avalanche of VCRs fall to the floor. Luckily he was unharmed, but as she was clueless to the fact of what just happened. I finally had to say something.

"LOOK AT WHAT YOU JUST DID," I say to the kid. He stared at me, then picked up his toy. I yanked it from his little hands and threw it behind the counter. He looked at me, teared up, and ran to his mother.

I started stacking the VCRs when the mother came up to me.

"Did you just yell at my child," she asked?

"Sure did," I replied without even looking at her as I was picking up the VCRs.

"Why?"

"Because he shook down these VCRs."

"You don't yell at my child."

"Mam," I said. "I just did and if he does something like this again I'll do it again."

"No you won't," she said.

"Actually I will," I told her. "And there's nothing you can do about it. This wouldn't have happened if your kid wasn't acting this way...."

"...I'LL GET YOU FIRED..."

"Promise?"

She talked to a manager who told her that she should expect that if her kid is coming into our store and destroying property and putting his and others in danger. She firmly stated she wasn't coming back ever again and might bring her husband to have a chat with me. I told her my hours and he was welcome to chat with me anytime.

I saw her the following week, this time without her kid. She ignored me.

"The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop." - Mark Twain

Viva Viagra!

After a few pints of beer Russ, Kristi, Kelly, and I decided to stop by Ernie's, a bar my future mother-in-law frequents that caters to the mature crowd. I've been there before and posted about my experience there before, but this felt different.

The elderly folk were strutting their stuff to pop music and I found myself praying I don't witness anyone dislocating their hip. A few had some skills, some danced like a constipated Pat Buchanan, and others were impressing all in attendance. The ladies were being led by their Viagra addicted partners, hoping flabs of skin wouldn't fall out of their dresses. Still they were all having loads of fun.

Russ informed me that this would be equivalent to his personal hell. Being single at that age can't be easy. As I got older into the dating scene I noticed the older the girls the crazier they could be. It doesn't help that 99% of the females I encountered in my search for the one were batshit. I seriously think that if any gal finds me attractive they should immediately seek therapy.

Wow I digressed there a bit.

While I kind of agree with Kelly's brother I couldn't help but think that there are worse scenarios than being single well past my middle age. I'd rather drink heavily at a club that prides itself on a geriatric market than be with the wrong person for the rest of my days. Even if the ladies wore enough makeup that would scare children I can't fault them for looking to have a good time in their twilight years.

I walked out of there with Kelly, grateful for the fact that the only girl I'll be dancing and sharing Ensure with will be her.

"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer

I find your lack of home disturbing.

This morning Kelly and I met at the design center to finalize all the fixtures, flooring, and what not for the home we're building. All of the upgrades and style was pre-picked by Kelly and her mother. I reviewed the materials and looked over the price and I agreed on what was chosen.

We walk into the appointment and meet the designer. We were her first customer she's ever worked with. The first question out of her mouth was directed at Kelly.

Designer: Is he agreeing with everything you say?
Kelly: Yes.
Designer: He's a good man.

This is not the first time she's heard this question in regards to this home, nor do I imagine it will be the last. Granted my idea of a perfect home would be to have the house designed as Darth Vader's helmet with slides from each bedroom heading towards the pool. There would be gatling gun turrets on each corner and a Millennium Falcon sandbox for our future children. Also, no house would be complete without a garage designed as the batcave.

Yes my new home needs a woman's touch and thank the maker I have it.

"I thought Star Wars was too wacky for the general public." - George Lucas

Fighting the forces of old and evil.

Last night I met with the male members of Kelly's family at a place called TopGolf. Now loyal readers will already know that Tiger Woods I am not, but this was a variation on the sport. TopGolf has a huge driving range with large holed targets out on the grass. The balls have a chip in them and when you hit one into the designated target it would award you points.

We all had a great time playing and chatting while consuming multiple pints. Golf is a game this family really enjoys and I hope to actually get better at it to keep up.

Then it hit me.

I turned to Kelly's brother Russ and asked him if he ever read Hunter S. Thompson. He said he wasn't much of a reader. No matter. I informed him about the game shotgun golf, the brain child of one of my favorite authors. He looked at me quizzically and asked what was the basis behind the game. I told him the basics.

Me: There's a golfer and a shooter. The golfer drives the ball while the shooter tries to take the ball out with a shotgun.
Russ: That sounds awesome.
Me: I really want to try it.

Russ informed me that his dad's friend owns land that may accommodate my golfing/shooting needs. Since his family likes firearms (this is Texas) and golf it seems like we could start a new tradition. This must be done. I will honor the ashes of the godfather of all things Gonzo, because no sport is really athletic without the smell of gunsmoke.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

As big as...

I was visiting an old friend from the Northwest this weekend. All through the chatting we talked about the differences between Texas and our home state. One thing he noticed on the college campus he attends is a bunch of tattoos with the state's likeness.

Yes Texas has a big ego. I've never seen someone with a tattoo of our first President on their shoulder, nor a tramp stamp with the seal of Oregon.

Another example is home decor. Kelly's brother has the Lone Star on his door while his neighbor proudly displays the Texas state flag on his fence. This is very common actually. Nowhere in the Northwest do you see that in a residence.

I guess there's nothing wrong with taking pride in where you're from, but Texas has a bit of stateism, if that's even a word. The natives like to wear the fact that they're from here like a badge. This is a place made by Jesus and atheists, hippies, and people who listen to REM are not welcome. You are constantly reminded that you're in the state of Pecos Bill, bad television dramas, football, Cheaters, and the subject of many country songs, whether you like it or not.

Texas pride; live it, feel it, know it.

"All new states are invested, more or less, by a class of noisy, second-rate men who are always in favor of rash and extreme measures, but Texas was absolutely overrun by such men." - Sam Houston

Monday Music

I haven't posted about music in a long while, but I figured today may be appropriate. This weekend was my father's birthday, the first I've missed in many years, if ever. It was hard being halfway across the country, unable to appear at my folk's doorstep with a present, and taking them to dinner while watching him eat things he shouldn't. Usually him and I would later sit and watch UFC DVDs while my mom would comment how we are stupid men (her words) for watching such barbarity.

Still it was his day to do what he enjoyed and my mother and I made sure it was a happy one. The best I could do this year was ship a gift and make a phone call. Saddened by this I listened to some of his favorite songs as I drove to visit a friend. 'El Paso' by Marty Robbins came on and I thought it was fitting considering the state I chose to live in. I grew up listening to is, but I was too young to realize how dark it was. I'm kind of surprised they allowed me to be exposed to a song this morbid, but it is a pleasant melody even if it is about love and death.

So today dear readers I bring you one of my Dad's favorites:



"I'm in this business because I despise honest labor." - Marty Robbins

Pink elephants on parade

Former half term governor Sarah Palin's PAC released a video showing her rallying support from white women accusing them of being psychic and having similar traits to those of the animal kingdom. While she's delivering this brand of folksy humor the video is cut with shots of women holding grammatically awful, as well as nonsensical, signs. She suggests that women are now rising up against the tide of our Muslim half breed Kenyan President and encourages them to keep up the good work.

What's even more funny about this video is at the end she warns Washington to prepare for the stampede of pink elephants (her words) that will trample our nation's capital. So D.C. is full of drunken politicians who hallucinate? Damn I moved to the wrong town.

There was a time I used to get the appeal of the snowbilly. She came into the spotlight as a fresh faced outsider with simpleton values and what seemed like a common sense approach to politics. While she was widely regarded as a moron she has amazing stage presence and can definitley work up a crowd.

Then of course she quit her term as governor saying she was doing it for the people of Alaska and wanted to focus more on her family. Why she would abandon the people who voted for her and still claim it was in their best interests is anyone's guess. I still don't see how flying all over the country giving speeches at $30,000+ is quality time with your loved ones, but perhaps my family values are different.

Still there are many who love this woman and want to see her succeed in the political arena for reasons I'll never understand. I get why some people don't like Obama or his policies, but this is their alternative?

I guess if you're one of these people who think the below protest sign makes logical sense, you might be in the ranks of Palin supporters.

"I love those hockey moms. You know what they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is? Lipstick." - Sarah Palin

Dungeons & Dragons

I have many friends who enjoy playing role playing games. A few of them like the classic dice game of Dungeons & Dragons. If I was ever invited to play I had to relay the tale of my one and only experience being a fantasy warrior.

I was in high school and had a science class with a Game Master, someone who leads the game mechanics and play. He had some D&D books out and I asked about them. After some small talk about the game he invited me to his house to play that weekend.

I attended and actually found myself enjoying the fantasy world of Dungeons & Dragons. My only prior knowledge of the game was largely due to my church, which warned parents that their children would become homosexual Satan worshippers if they involved themselves in the role play. I was also a huge fan of the short lived cartoon, but I hated the fact that they made the character Eric a candy ass. Still I caught on quickly and enjoyed the math behind the game and the creativity of the character building. It was really fun.

After we were done playing the Game Master asked if he could borrow my science book as he lost his and we had a test the next week. I offered it to him, as it was in my backpack, and made him promise to return it by Monday.

Monday rolls around and I see him in class. I ask him for the book, to which he said he didn't have and wouldn't be returning soon as he's not done with it. I told him I could care less if he was done with it or not that he was to return it the next day. He didn't like the fact that I was giving him orders.

GM: I'll give it to you when I'm done.
Me: You'll give it to me when I say you will.
GM: Fuck you.
Me: No no no no no. It is you who will be fucked if you don't return it tomorrow.
GM: You threatening me?
Me: I'm promising you.

He stood up and knocked over his desk. I did the same. The teacher ran out of the room to get help.

Quiz time folks. If you're me in this situation do you a) try and calm him down and reason with him, b) try to resolve the situation peacefully by offering to study together, or c) kick the ever loving crap out of the jackass? If you answered a or b you certainly are a better person than I.

We stared each other down for a few seconds and he gave me a threat I'll never forget as long as I live.

GM: I PUT A LEVEL FIVE HEX ON YOU!
Me: ......what? A level five....what?

He shoved me. The rest of the incident happened as you'd expect.

My coach ran into the place and pulled me off of him. I don't remember saying this, but it was told to me later that I yelled something about how his level five hex is pussy shit. He was taken to the nurses office for various wounds to the face. I was put in in-school suspension for a week.

I was never invited to play D&D again.

The dice in the game symbolize witchcraft in my opinion....These parents, who have been playing the game for as long as 25 years, are encourging their kids to engage in theft, murder, rape, and dishonnesty. The graphic and brutely savage language these kids use to commit these acts in the game are so appalling....I have had nightmares about the game since I have been playing; nightmares of the game getting out of hand and becoming too real." - Catholic Answers forum

To kill...

On my way to work this morning NPR had a segment on the classic novel "To Kill a Mockingbird". It was an interesting look at the cultural impact, it's characters, and the reclusive author Harper Lee, who has yet to write another book since it's release.

I first read the book in high school like most, but instead of finding it just another boring assignment I was engaged by the story set in the depression era South told through the eyes of it's young heroine, Scout. The noble father Atticus and his defendant, as well as the mysterious Boo Radley, made for but a few of the colorful characters that made this book memorable to me.

While the theme of the book is about as subtle as a sledgehammer and the prose doesn't leave a lot to the imagination, it's a character driven piece that many young readers should cherish. Still very few I know who have read the book recall it having much of an impact, if any. It surprises me to some degree. It's sort of like telling a Christian that after reading their Bible you were unmoved.

Regardless I can understand that 'To Kill a Mockingbird' is not for everyone. Literature can't possibly please all readers even if it does win the Pulitzer. Still it's one of the few books that I read early in my life that I truly enjoyed from cover to cover and will always hold a special place in my heart.

Did you like it?

"Well, they're Southern people, and if they know you are working at home they think nothing of walking right in for coffee. But they wouldn't dream of interrupting you at golf." - Harper Lee

ασκώ

People are still asking me what it's like to live in Texas as opposed to Washington. Most of my hometown friends have never been to the Lone Star state, so I can understand the curiosity. I give them answers most would expect, such as the heat and the churches on every block, but I've come across one major contrast between here and the Northwest.

I worked out this morning. Now that is not interesting in and of itself, going to the gym here is far different than Seattle. I was on the elliptical trainer watching Morning Joe when the weather man came on and announced that the South and East Coast were experiencing a severe heat wave. The humidity raged and my body noticed the difference as I sweated out 10 lbs of body weight. After four miles of moving my legs and arms I noticed the machine was drenched with my fluids. I wiped down the contraption and shook my head.

I know it's probably good for me, but I've never consumed so much water in an a half hour time period in my life.

"A Chicago alderman once confessed he needed physical exercise but didn't like jogging, because in that sport you couldn't hit anyone." - Andrew H. Malcolm

The right to blow stuff up.

I like fireworks. There are few things more fun than lighting Chinese manufactured explosives with a few beers in me.

Sadly Texas doesn't have many Indian reservations so they're limited to selling snakes and sparklers. In Seattle, where you could drive any direction and within 20 minutes you'd hit a place where they would sell you anything, fun was always had by lighting off things that could land you in jail.

I didn't do much this year for the 4th as Kelly had to work early the next day, so I spent it watching the grand finale from my porch. Celebrating my patriotism by watching pretty colors light up the night sky I stood and pondered my existence in this country and what I've done, or haven't done, to make it a better one.

I sincerely believe this is a great country, but it could be better. As dangerous as constitutional democracy can be, it's up to us to keep it in check and not allow our leaders to run amok. Sadly we don't. Tea partiers claim they're fighting the good fight against Obama, but are so horribly misguided they look like a party of clowns. Our nation is a divided one, as usual, and often people from both sides of the political spectrum are all too easy to give up liberty for the sake of comfort. I miss being able to have roman candle wars and lawn darts and various other fun activities that may or may not result in me being maimed, but we can't have that. So I digress...

The staff at One Bad Apple hope you all had a safe and happy 4th of July.

"No other date on the calendar more potently symbolizes all that our nation stands for than the Fourth of July." - Mac Thornberry