Brösten

Last night was a historic night. For the first time in my personal history I entered an establishment I never thought I'd find myself in. I entered Hooters and soaked in the atmosphere.

It was everything I expected. Skinny waitresses, some with more than ample bosom, greeted me with a smile. There were many big screens adorning the walls and people of all ages, races, and genders were enjoying some fried food.

I was meeting Kelly's brother, step dad, and father there for drinks and camaradeire. We sat at a table and was greeted by a pretty brunette with slow talking mannerisms. She was raising money for breast cancer, an affliction that ran in her family. We didn't want hers to go to waste so I gave her two dollars.

After a couple mugs of beer we finally get our order of tater tots and wings. I've heard many different reviews concerning the food at Hooters. Some say the food is terrible, others take a liking to it. Finally it was my turn to judge for myself.

It wasn't half bad. I've had far better wings, but if you like a lot of breading on your chicken you'll certainly enjoy them. The tater tots were soaked in cheese and sour cream which was a cardiovascular delight.

The older men drank more and flirted with our waitress while rarely making eye contact. Understandable. They were pretty prominent and sometimes more interesting then hearing her talk about her personally life of pot, baseball, and an a boyfriend of four years. She went through the motions of feigning interest in the older gents' banter.

Nothing of real importance happened really, but the four of us had a great time talking, drinking, and eating more than we should have. It was cool being included in their social circle and I'm proud that one day I'm going to be a part of this family.

Oh on a side note...we're going to Redneck Heaven next time.

"Women are always complaining about men's fascination with breasts. But what if men were absolutely indifferent to breasts? What would women do then with these things that serve one function once or twice in a lifetime, and the rest of the time are just in the way?" - Jonathan Carroll

Ultionis

Scorned lovers have always wanted revenge on those that hurt them. Some vandalize property, sleep with friends or loved ones of those that dumped them, or any number of ways to show their anger. While behavior like this cannot be condoned it at times can be understood.

A new service has hit the intertubes for those who've been cheated on, dumped, etc. Crabrevenge.com offers lice to sell to people so they may give the gift of crabs to those who have jilted them.

Seriously.....this exists.

I thought it was a joke, but the website claims it's not. In a strange manner they claim it's only for novelty purposes, but go on to state how sweet the itchy revenge may be. Of course they have a disclaimer trying to limit liability for those who may have suffered from scratching themselves.

Be careful out there boys and girls.

"Thank you SO much you saved my marriage! My wife broke it off with her new lover because she thought he gave her crabs, wish I had found this site sooner!" - Ryan

Less government....yeah....

I went and got my vehicle inspected today. While this may not seem that interesting let me tell you the process involved in the state of Washington. Back home you would simply drive up to a state inspection station. They'd open the door and plug a computer into the car and put a doo-dad on the tail pipe. The attendant would have you start up the car and let it run for a couple minutes. Upon passing the emissions test the employee would give you a sheet to take to the local DMV office or authorized office and turn in. You would then get your vehicle license tabs.

Texas is apparently different. I took my car to a local shop that advertised it does vehicle inspection. I pull up and let the snaggle toothed mechanic take control of my car. He put it in reverse and drove back through the parking lot. He then pulled forward and hit the brakes.

"What the hell," I thought?

I figured there must be a reason for that action, but let it go and went into the waiting room which was a sea of Us Weekly and People type rags about celebrities and who they're dating. They did have a television with news which was a plus.

The mechanic came to me with bad news. He said my windshield wipers needed to be replaced and my horn didn't work.

"Ok," I said. "I'll get them fixed then. So what now?"

"Sir," he said with a jack-o-lantern smile. "Your vehicle doesn't pass inspection."

"Really," I asked with surprise? "Is my muffler old?"

"You're new here aren't you?"

"Yeah." I thought the Washington plates would've made it obvious.

"Sir you need to get your windshield wipers and horn fixed in order for it to pass inspection."

"Oh," I said. "This is more than just an emissions test."

"Yes sir."

I gave the mechanic the go-ahead to fix what was needed, but couldn't help but think that the political party that dominated Texas is constantly espousing less government, but yet this kind of bureaucracy exists. It's not a big deal as I was going to fix these things anyways and am somewhat happy they care about cars being safe on the roads, but this seemed just a tad extreme.

I go and get myself some water and come back into the waiting room. A family entered and changed the channel to children's programming. I picked up some celebrity gossip rag, but then I started to hate myself for simply reading it.

The child didn't want to sit in her chair and plopped down on my foot. She continued watching some show with animated dinosaurs breaking out into song whenever she felt it necessary. I turned to her mother who was sound asleep. The mom then started to snore loudly.

Sigh.

The kid was a cute one, but didn't seem interested in me at all. Not once did the tyke look at me or even acknowledge my presence. I guess she thought my shoe was really comfortable.

Finally the woman was shook awake by a mechanic who had news for her. The large lady pulled her daughter off my foot and scolded her for being a pest. I wasn't annoyed with the kid and let that be known to the matriarch who just smiled. Her lack of glow made it obvious she hated her choices in life.

A young lady walked in with her boyfriend, both dressed to the nine. In a sharp dress she stood in the waiting room and smiled brightly with her significant other looking bored. The mechanic quickly came in and told her he wasn't even going to bother with the inspection as the tires are too bald. She huffed out of there with her man in tow.

My horn and wipers were finally replaced and now it's official. The streets of Texas are much safer now that I can honk.

"All new states are invested, more or less, by a class of noisy, second-rate men who are always in favor of rash and extreme measures, but Texas was absolutely overrun by such men." - Sam Houston

Viva

Some students in Morgan Hill, CA decided it would be a great idea to wear t-shirts and bandannas sporting the American Flag. While this is not particularly interesting they decided to do it on Cinco De Mayo. The administrators of the school were not amused and ordered the students to change their attire or go home.

The students elected to go home rather than face suspension.

I understand the staffs' position. They want to maintain order in their school and felt the patriotic display may incite fights or other unpleasantness. They assumed the children of Mexican descent would be offended as it is their holiday, which some of them were, and wanted to keep the peace as they best saw fit. Keep the children in their seats and have them shut the hell up.

It's sort of like a kid sporting Old Glory at St Patrick's Day in Boston. You know those drunken Irish would've beat the living crap out of....oh wait.

Still this whole thing is ridiculous. While the students who sported the American Flag may have been in the 'learn English or get the fuck out of my country' sect, they still did nothing wrong by simply wearing this on May 5th, or any day. It's not like they were wearing the Confederate Battle Flag on Martin Luther King Jr's birthday.

To coddle children away from debate is not preparing them for adulthood. While I know students don't exactly have freedom of speech in schools I think stifling them on this issue is doing everyone involved a disservice and further inflaming the debate on immigration.

"The boys will not be suspended and were allowed to return to school Thursday. We spotted one of them when he got to campus -- and, yes, he was sporting an American flag T-shirt." - MSNBC.com

Students Kicked Off Campus for Wearing American Flag Tees

αέριο

So the wedding date has been set and the venue has been booked. It's all so wonderful and at the same time surreal. I'm doing all this grown up stuff, weddings, looking at houses, and talk of producing little Wiwilles has my head in a spin. Still I'm looking forward to being an adult and sharing my life with another.

I have but one issue that is burning me. Do couples fart at the altar?

I know that sounds crude, but I've been to over two hundred weddings as a photographer or guest, but I've never got an answer to a question of the highest importance. Do couples fart at the altar?

I've attended very long weddings and I always wonder if the bride and/or groom have to hold one in to avoid embarrassing their most blessed day. In large weddings where they're mic'd up they can't risk turning a silent one into a raging thunderous release of gas.

I probably should spend about an hour before the wedding releasing all I can so that I may spare my bride, minister, and all in attendance the suffering of my noxious farts. This may take some special planning.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut

May the 4th be with you!

As I'm sure few of you are aware today is Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May the 4th be with you). Okay maybe I'm the only one who gives a damn. Yes I'm kind of a dork.

So let me tell you a story of the R2-D2 phone. Years ago my parents would buy me anything Star Wars related for birthdays and Christmas. I'm not sure why. I think they overestimated how much I'm into the saga, but it was sweet of them and I appreciated every gift.

One year they bought me a R2-D2 phone, which was kind of a cool gift, but when I brought it home to my then girlfriend she just kind of smiled and told me I could use it. One morning we were awoke by the chirps and whistles by the infamous robot and she flew out of bed.

"That thing is loud," she exclaimed with anger.

I agreed that it was highly annoying so I put it away. I haven't had a land line in years so I just set R2 in the closet as he had little use.

Fast forward a few years...

I show Kelly the phone and ask where I could put it in our place. She stared at me blankly for a bit.

"Honey," she said as her voice softened. "It doesn't really go with anything I have."

"But," I said. "It's R2."

"We won't even have a land line though."

"Yeah, but I've had him for years."

"Honey, we can put him in a closet, or the garage."

I'm sure she was thinking 'Oh my God I'm marrying a nerd. I hope we have a girl.'

So I gave R2-D2 a new home in the hopes he's having fun with other astromec droids, like R5-D4. I'll miss all the good times we shared, long walks in the park and eating dinner by the fireplace.

Goodbye R2. The force will be with you...always.

Happy Intergalactic Star Wars Day to the folks in bloggerland!

"Learning to make films is very easy. Learning what to make films about is very hard." - George Lucas

Below is indeed the R2-D2 phone and that's the sound it made when people called.

All rednecks go to heaven.

We walk into 'Redneck Heaven', a place unfamiliar to both of us, for a drink. We open the doors and get our first glimpse of the atmosphere.

"Oh my," she said. Our eyes met a scantily clad waitress in an outfit that would make your average Hooters employee blush.

It was your average sports bar and grill. Nothing really special. Imagine your local biker saloon without the foul smell of grease and body odor. The place was decorated with NASCAR, sports, and biker memorabilia. The bar stools had Chevy and Harley logos proudly displayed.

Kelly was one of three female patrons there. The bar was surrounded by 30-40 something guys who were drinking a Friday afternoon away. Most were making small talk with the strippers...err...waitresses (pictured above) as the staff was showing as much skin as possible without getting arrested. The customers looked like hard laborers, weekend warrior Harley riders, and simple folk enjoying some company from hot women, regardless if they're paid to do so.

The men had a demeanor of what the establishment advertised. From a quick glance you'd think they were strong supporters of the Arizona immigration bill, but there was a sense of loneliness clouding their eyes. Some sat alone, hoping that their tips would garner a girl showing a bit more cleavage than normal, or the eventual hope of a phone number. I'm sure a few fantasized about parking lot oral and who knows maybe a few have succeeded, but I highly doubt it.

Sad as it may be it had one of the best taps I've yet to encounter.

Redneck Heaven is indeed a classy joint. It's so high brow there was a license plate mounted on the wall that said 'Viva Viagra'.

As we walked out of there I felt a bit dirty. Now I like scantily clad women as much as the next guy, maybe even more so, but there's always a level of despair as I watch the lonely pay of a bit of companionship.

Yes Kelly did catch me looking at our waitress. I've got poor eyeballing skills.

"The grand irony, however, is that Southern segregation was not brought to an end, nor redneck violence dramatically reduced, by violence." - Stanley Crouch

Overrated films part 24

Sometimes you find yourself watching a film that's considered a classic from ages ago and you're left with an overwhelming sense of meh. Such was an incident that happened last night.

Kelly and I decided to finally watch 'Animal House'. Neither of us had seen it, although I felt a little guilty not doing so as it's often regarded as a comedy classic. I've often heard about it being the original gross out comedy, that it spawned the genre of college films from 'Revenge of the Nerds' to 'PCU'.

I threw in the DVD hopeful for a load of laughs. The opening credits rolled and I saw a list of top comedy talent. With a cast and crew of this caliber how can we go wrong?

Easily.

As I've stated before it's ridiculous to argue what's funny or not, but even the dullest of comedies I can understand their appeal. I can see why a four year old would laugh at Nickelodeon shows even though I'm not their target demographic. Even at some level I can get why people laugh at Tyler Perry's awful humor, but I was left scratching my head wondering why anyone laughs at Animal House. I couldn't find a joke to even give a brief chuckle. I wasn't alone in my feelings.

Maybe if I saw it while I was younger and I wanted to wax nostalgic I probably would've enjoyed it more. It's possible that if I were in my teens when the film was first released, before lazy writers borrowed liberally from the National Lampoons staff, I may have laughed. Still I couldn't muster a smirk when watching this film so it's hard for me to say this classic can stand the test of time.

I like a lot of old comedies, from 'Sixteen Candles' to 'It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World', and I was hoping Animal House would fall into that category of films that will never stop being funny.

"I never liked this. I never will. My apologies to all its diehard fans." - Alex Sandell

The Frito Bandito does not approve.

Contrary to popular belief I have faith in the immigration policies of this country. Often decried as being too conservative by many I disagree. If one simply looks at the laws regarding aliens entering the country of most of the world's nations they would view ours are very lenient. Think I'm wrong? Just open a browser and look up the laws and punishments for those crossing the borders illegally for Saudi Arabia, China, Denmark, and heck even Mexico. We set the standard for being liberal.

As most of you are aware Arizona passed its own immigration bill which has caused a stir of controversy. According to the law police are required to ask for documentation from someone suspected of being in the country illegally and if they fail to provide proper papers they are to be detained and handed over to federal authorities for processing.

Now I'm unclear as to what constitutes probable cause for asking these people for their identification. Depending on what pundit or activist you listen to they all have different answers. Conservative claim that police officers can only do that while the person in question is committing a criminal offence, such as speeding or streaking through a Jehovah's Witness Hall, while liberals state cops can ask for a drivers license at any time regardless.

I'm still unsure as to who is right as the specifics aren't clear in the bill, at least to me, but this is not my biggest problem with it.

What I'm really surprised about regarding the passing of this legislation is that it allows citizens to sue law enforcement if they feel they're not locking up enough illegals. This is absolutely ridiculous. This puts soliciting documents from Latinos at the highest priority for all departments, state and local, for fear of a lawsuit.

Let me set up a scenario.

A cop gets two calls, one for rape and another for a possible illegal alien daring to step foot in Arizona. The officer will respond to the latter each and every time. If he doesn't he knows he can face disciplinary action.

The Supreme Court has made it very clear that police departments are not required to protect and to serve, even if they advertise such. All they have to do is respond. I'm not kidding. If you are the victim of a violent crime in Arizona and the cops decide to go drill Juan about his green card before they get to your case all you can really do is write a strongly worded email to the police chief.

Do you all feel safer now that Home Depot parking lots will have less brown people?

As I don't live in Arizona I have no idea why 70% of the population feel this legislation is a good idea. Are they all racists? I would certainly hope not, but even if illegal immigration is that much of a problem as they think it is it's no excuse for how asinine this law is.

"If I have a shots-fired call or the potential to stop someone who might be checked for documented status, I'm going to do that before I respond to shots fired because I won't get sued if don't respond to shots fired," - Colorado Springs Chief Richard Myers

Identity

New home, new shopping needs.

In my downtime in Texas I cook for Kelly and I. This usually involves daily journeys to the grocery store. They have a chain called Kroger down here which I've never encountered in the northwest.

As most chain stores they have a rewards card which I'm sure most of you are familiar with. Today I remember to fill out my information and hand it to the cashier, which activates my card. The gentleman behind me laughs out loud.

"You know," he said. "They don't cross reference that information. You could write anything. For all they know I'm an 80 year old Asian woman."

"You mean you're not," I replied? His lack of response made it obvious he didn't find me humorous.

The cashier had to chime in.

"We hated them in 2000," she said with disdain. "And we still hate them. All they have to do is make the prices cheaper without asking everyone for their information."

"That's right," said the customer behind me. "It's just a way for them to track...."

I stopped listening as she handed me my receipt. With technology the way it is today the idea of going off the grid is next to impossible unless you live like Thoreau. Consumers who value their privacy find it difficult buying products or services without revealing who they are exactly.

As I was handed my grocery bags I noticed the man behind me pulled out his credit card. I had to smile at the idea of him sticking to the man regarding his rewards card, but he gladly gave up his privacy, because he's too lazy to use cash.

"As a social good, I think privacy is greatly overrated because privacy basically means concealment. People conceal things in order to fool other people about them. They want to appear healthier than they are, smarter, more honest and so forth." - Richard Posner

Bad movies I love part 25

Inspired by the good WIGSF's latest post I felt compelled to write about another bad movie that I love dearly, The Chase. Most of you probably haven't seen this for I think it lasted maybe a week in theatres, but I recall being thoroughly entertained by it.

The story is a simple one of an escaped convict, a crime he didn't commit btw, who finds himself hijacking a rich young woman while fleeing to Mexico. Insert a cop (Henry Rollins) and his partner who are the subject of a 'Cops' like reality show. They get the call to give chase and a high speed pursuit is in order.

While this film is not high brow by any means it's hilarious. The movie takes many stabs at reality television culture and the publics' fascination with it. Today's viewing audience may find this hardly original, but this was produced well before the days of Survivor and Jersey Shore. Henry Rollins steals the show as the authoritarian, but intellectually vapid, cop.

Sure this film will not stand the test of time, but it's still an enjoyable romp. Be sure to stay tuned after the credits for the funniest scene in the movie, which is Charlie Sheen in a clown suit reciting Robert Duvall's infamous speech from Apocalypse Now.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"Goofball fun, and Swanson's rarely been hotter." - Luke Y. Thompson.

Cheesy as it may be, I love this scene:

Wiwille is done with dating.

You read that right. I'm done. I'm tired of the drama, the games, and the blow to my pocket book in the attempt to find romance along with good nudity. For years I've made every effort to convince the fairer sex that I'm a good idea, but often I've failed to find that good catch in the waters of love.

So yes I'm done with it all. No more awkward first date endings or waking up in strange places looking for my keys and/or pants. The trial and tribulations of courtship are over for Wiwille. I've had it.

In securing my foothold in leaving the dating scene this afternoon I approached her and gave her a hug, got down on one knee, pulled the ring out of my pocket, and asked her to be my wife.

She said yes.

"An engaged woman is always more agreeable than a disengaged. She is satisfied with herself. Her cares are over, and she feels that she may exert all her powers of pleasing without suspicion. All is safe with a lady engaged; no harm can be done." - Jane Austen

Thursday Music

I was in Wyoming driving past the Teton mountains enjoying the majesty of one of the most beautiful ranges in the country. Radio stations were hard to come by in such a rural area, but I found a classic rock station blaring the good tunes of Credence Clearwater Revival. I was enjoying the hillbilly rock until the next song, which was Eddie Money's 'Take Me Home Tonight.'

"This is classic rock," I thought to myself?

Then came Bon Jovi, Whitesnake, and Cinderella. Suddenly butt rock is now classic rock. What's worse is that these were all songs produced when I was alive. I'm now old enough that music that was popular in my teen years will be on Time/Life infomercials.

Sigh.

I'll bring you some real classic rock:




"That song has the full extent of my mandolin abilities; I'm not a good mandolin player at all." - John Fogerty

Take that hippies!

Things sure are different here in Texas than Washington. Not only are Christian radio stations common here in the reddest of the red states, but I found myself listening to a talk show where they were talking about creation science and how Darwin and any who believe in evolution were promoting the works of the dark lord Satan.

I've already experienced a bit of culture shock in my new home which was to be expected. Still none of my encounters with red state culture was that much of a surprise, until the other night.

Kelly's brother's girlfriend was chatting with me, making small talk in the late hours. She mentioned that their dogs once ate a piece of bacon wrapped dove breast and had terrible gas as a result. I laughed at first, but then it hit me.

Bacon wrapped dove breast?

She mentioned that her man hunts dove. I informed her I've never heard of anyone hunting nor eating the white bird. She then welcomed me to Texas.

Now I've met Kelly's brother a few times. He's a handsome, professional, affable chap who in no way resembles the stereotype most have of hunters. Yet when I found out he kills and eats the symbol of the Holy Spirit (Ghost) I suddenly pictured him wearing a t-shirt that says 'Vote Fred Thompson' and holding a dead bird above his head screaming profanities at hippies while driving a Ford F-150 that has a confederate flag waving in the back with a bumper sticker that says 'Never forget the War of Northern Aggression.'

Thankfully he does none of that, nor reads this blog.

Soon dove will be on the menu for Wiwille's diet.

"Censure acquits the raven, but pursues the dove." - Juvenal

Social this!

Diligent readers of One Bad Apple will note that I've been posting messages directed to a friend of mine via the Facebook application called Social Me. As I understand it she's met many a fine person and communicated with them virtually, but as one would expect she gets her share of freaks.

I'd like to introduce you all to Mc Shane. As you can see from the flattering photo he is one who like to impress people with his fine taste in vehicles and hat wear. Mc Shane took a liking to a photo of my friend and decided a correspondence would be in order. His opening message is below, with my commentary in red:

Hi angel,
I was amazed that my heart could still beat that hard, you were the most beautiful lady i have laid eyes on in a very long time.
You have an excellent look that really amaze me and got me attracted to you and lovely skin...i hope to meet you some days and i hope you will give me the reason for me to come to your country. I hope you won't sleep off cos it took me time to think about this things and send it to you .I will be waiting to read from you i will send you more about me later on ..
I really don't know what to say ,but i must say you are really beautiful ,i will like to get to know you and hopefully get closer to you and be more than a friend...I know As a rose can't live without the rain ; the heart can't love without risk of pain.
Please don't hesitate to ask me anything i am a very open person ,i would be glad to tell.
God i love what am seeing honestly.. i screamed the moment i saw your face and i just naturally feel in love with you.

Hugs.
Mc shane

Yes Mc Shane has quite the gift of prose. His valiant attempts at swooning the fairer sex include such gems as yelling. Does he see a pretty girl in person and shout madly while declaring his love for them? Wouldn't that land most people in jail?

While I may be a cynic I do appreciate the romantics of the world, but our lovelorn foreigner probably sent his ex-wife into sand blasting her vagina after their divorce.

"Is not this the true romantic feeling - not to desire to escape life, but to prevent life from escaping you?" - Tom Wolfe

Further adventures of Wiwille

I arrive in Pendelton, Oregon around lunch time. I decide to pull into the quaint cowboy town to get some food. See I made it a point not to eat at any chain restaurants on this trip. I was going to dine on the local cuisine and avoid any Denny's, Shari's, etc.

I find a restaurant and bar located in the basement of an building downtown. It was a fine place with big screen TVs showing MMA, pool tables, and video lottery. I sit down and a waitress brings me a menu and informs me of the specials. I make my order quickly and she brings me a slice of cheesecake.

I informed her that I didn't order any dessert, but she tells me she gave me the slice for free, because according to her I was a polite gentleman that used phrases such as 'please' and 'thank you'. The rough looking older woman then turned her head towards the people occupying the pool tables.

"Unlike some of the riff-raff we get in here," she said loud enough for the rest of the town to hear.

The rough looking group of gents, who obviously had nothing better to do on a Friday at one in the afternoon, gave the old woman a smirk.

The cheesecake was good.

I finally made my way into Utah and sadly I did not see any Juniper Creek* types. I've always wanted to go on a polygamist photo safari, but that will have to wait for another time.

*'Big Love' reference.

To be continued...

"Polygamy: An endeavour to get more out of life than there is in it." - Elbert Hubbard

Thursday Music

After waking up in Yakima I picked up some road grub and hit the freeway east. I decided to turn on the radio and get a feel for some of the new stations. What's most interesting about broadcast east of the Cascades is how it's so different than Seattle. A lot of the stations are either country, classic rock, Christian, or conservative talk.

The Christian stations were the most interesting as it all sounded the same to me. I seriously think religious songwriters are the laziest in the industry and that's saying quite a bit. While most modern music is redundant, worship tunes are even more generic than modern country love songs. They all have the same lyrics such as: "You are holy, you are risen, you are big, I love thee, etc".

But the real kicker was the Christian political talk radio. Hearing the callers chime in and talk about they believe our President is a Muslim/Socialist/Kenyan and will lead this world into the last days is pitiful at best. Their music is all about giving praise to God and how they can't wait for the return of the risen savior, yet they're all fearful of Christ's appearance at the same time. I don't get it.

I stopped in a Flying J, a huge truck stop chain, for gas and grub. I found a CD rack and picked up a compilation disk called 'Texas Super Hits'. I picked it up thinking I best get myself some culture of my new home before I arrive.

The cashier didn't ask if I was moving thankfully.

So today dear readers I bring you Gene Autry singing the praises of the Lonestar state:



"Gene Autry was the most. It may sound like a joke - Go and have a look in my bedroom, It's covered with Gene Autry posters. He was my first musical influence." - Ringo Starr

Wiwille's moving adventure

I had to make it. Yes I must cross the Cascades.

I drove up to White Pass. It seemed simple at first, but so barren of human existence I wouldn't have been shocked at all if Grizzly Adams crossed the road with his large pet Ben. Every now and then I saw a semi drive in the opposite direction, but that got more infrequent as time passed. I then figured out why.

Snow came down all of a sudden and covered the road. This didn't concern me much as I used to ski a lot and driving in harsh conditions with a vehicle unprepared for it, but the white flakes kept dropping and the road got slicker. No big deal as I shifted low and kept a slow, but steady pace, yet it kept coming down harder. Visibility was getting more difficult as it got denser and I white knuckled the wheel.

The snow wasn't the only thing that concerned me. I must've saw a few dozen deer on the side of the road waiting for my car to pass them. All it took was one of them to jump out in front of me, resulting in a mashing of the brakes and my vehicle sliding into the mountain, or worse, off the cliff. No one would find me for hours.

I turned on the radio to get a weather report, but alas all I could get was an AM station that was broadcasting Coast to Coast. Their segment was about near death experiences and how they have proof of an afterlife. Man I hate that show. I said my quickie prayer whenever I find myself in danger.

"Please God forgive me for all my sins," rang through my head and I kept on going. Last time I said that was on my recent skydive. Funny how I become religious when I have the crap scared out of me. I thought about pulling over, but considering I was miles from anywhere that had running water or electricity I figured I best brave it over the pass. I climbed the steep road higher and higher. I tried to call friends to get an update on the weather conditions, but alas I couldn't get a signal.

Finally I reached the summit and started the trek down into the valley. It was slow moving as snow still graced the pavement, but finally I made it in clear conditions. I arrived in Yakima at four in the morning, drove into a Motel 6, and met with the security guard tasked with keeping the lodging conditions safe. He looked in my car.

"Are you moving," he asked?

"Yes," I answered. "Seattle to Dallas....yes I'm crazy....tired...need a room..."

To be continued...

"A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water." - Carl Reiner

Wiwille's road trip

With car loaded to the brim with each and every single item I own I head on out to cross the Cascade Mountains. On I-90 on my way over Snoqualmie Pass I was pulled over by a cop.

"Are you moving," he asked?

"Yes sir," I responded.

"Where you moving to?"

"Dallas."

"Texas," he exclaimed with a bit of a shock. "You're driving all the way to Texas?"

"I am."

"Are you nuts?"

"I've been called worse."

He pulled me over to ask if I had All Wheel Drive. Apparently Snoqualmie Pass was closed to traffic that didn't have chains. He politely told me I'll have to find another route.

I turn around and call Kelly and ask her to look up weather conditions for the other passes. She said Chinook Pass opened a few days ago and I should try it. I drove through Enumclaw, a town made famous for horse love, and journeyed through Green River. I start up the mountain and find a decent bit of snow which was a beautiful drive, until I found that the information given was incorrect. Sure there was a sign that said the pass is closed from Nov 1st - April 1st, but they meant it would be closed even longer I guess.

I start to drive back to Enumclaw, but my bladder wouldn't hold out on the long trip to civilization. I pull over and mark my territory out in the new fallen snow. The night sky illuminated the atmosphere as there wasn't any light pollution for miles. The stars were brighter than I've ever seen.

I decide to try White Pass, which in retrospect was a horrible idea. I arrive in Packwood, which had one gas station open. It had the old rotary dials on the pumps and a bathroom so tiny I swear it was built for a child. They served biscuits and gravy, sleeping bags, and various other items you wouldn't find at your local AMPM. The cashier looked at my car.

"You moving honey?" she asked.

"Yes mam," I answered. "I'm moving to Dallas."

"Texas," she exclaimed! "You're driving to Texas? Are you nuts?"

"So I've been told," I said.

I asked her if there was a place I could get coffee. She pointed me down the road to an all night stand.

I pulled up to the drive through and make my order. The barista looks at me quizzically.

"Are you moving," she asked?

"Yep," I answered. "I'm moving to Dallas."

"Texas," she asked? "You're moving to...."

"....yes I'm driving all the way to Texas. Yes I'm completely out of my tree."

She smiled as she finished my order. She then asked why I would be heading south. I told her and she called me a big sweetie and gave me my coffee for free. I thanked her and headed to White Pass, a drive I'll never forget.

To be continued....

"All new states are invested, more or less, by a class of noisy, second-rate men who are always in favor of rash and extreme measures, but Texas was absolutely overrun by such men." - Sam Houston

Wiwille, killer of wildlife

I was cleaning out my place for the upcoming move and throwing away all sorts of furniture and various items that I don't need nor want. While this seems uneventful it took a surreal turn that still rattles me.

For those of you with a sensitive constitution regarding harm towards animals I suggest you stop reading now.

I approach the dumpster with some wood from a bookshelf I just demolished and tossed it. It made a loud bang as it hit the empty garbage container which resulted in a small furry animal leaping onto the ledge of it and straight towards my face.

Fight or flight instinct set in quickly and I punched the brown ball of fur which sent it flying over the dumpster and the wall behind it. Still unsure of what it was I peeked around to see what kind of animal it was. There I see laying in the concrete a poor little squirrel who met it's untimely demise. I checked to see if it was still alive, but sadly the rodent met it's maker. I grabbed it by the tail and put it back from where it leapt from so it can begin the journey to a smelly grave.

Poor thing. The odds of that happening again are higher than WIGSF hooking up with Sarah Chalke.

"Isn't this how serial killers start?" - Corey