Wiwille's movie reviews part 93

Sci-fi films are somewhat of a mixed bag. When they're good, they're excellent, but the majority is chock full of stupidity. Granted even some of the worst are well intentioned and have an interesting premise, but for whatever reason the end result becomes a nonsensical story that relies on effects in place of fleshing out a decent plot. Still you have to give the makers of some films for their originality, especially if you're largely unfamiliar with B films, as I am.

Iron Sky is one of those films that sounds great on paper, but when actually watching it you wonder how they could make such an interesting premise turn out so boring. Set in 2018, America has elected Sarah Palin as President, but the film never actually mentions her by name, but instead plays upon how most see her. For political purposes she decides to send a black astronaut to the moon, which her administration play upon the stereotypes of Americans as seeing it as plausible to most as finding a unicorn lair. But with the can do spirit of America, it happens and two astronauts end up on the dark side of the moon, and come across a Nazi base.

Apparently the Third Reich launched a manned mission to the moon at the end of WWII in order to build a new colony and bide their time before they invade Earth and fulfill their dead Furher's dream. They capture the black astronaut, who in order to save his life offers a meeting with the President. The astronaut gets transformed into white face and after some fish out of water jokes they meet with the yet to be named Palin, and become part of her Cheif of Staff. They help shape America into a propaganda machine similar to something Goebbels would be proud of.

After some wacky adventures, one of the previously mentioned Nazis takes his rightful place as Furher, and with the help of a captured cell phone, goes back to the base to start the invasion of Earth. Earth retaliates by launching their own spaceships, and a climatic battle ensues.

As a comedic sci-fi film, this had a lot of promise, but sadly the jokes aren't that funny. It should've been a laugh romp, but it fails in almost every respect. Given the silliness of its premise it could've been a cult classic, but sadly it's as forgettable as it is stupid. While film goers would probably be lured by the premise, they'll come to the shocking revelation that its as boring as most moronic sci-fi films that try to be clever, but fail miserably.

It's not that Iron Sky is a terrible film as you've seen far worse, it's just frighteningly mediocre. I will admit, I laughed at the North Korean crack, but otherwise you could see the jokes coming from miles away, and lets be real, all the good Palin jokes and caricatures of Sarah Palin have already been done do death, and far better than this script could muster. This could've been at least great political satire, similar to what Starship Troopers was attempting, but you're in for no such luck. Iron Sky should've been something along the lines of the Evil Dead franchise, but instead, we got...well...its hard to compare it to an equally forgettable film, for obvious reasons.

Thanks to Shaun for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"Great idea, lousy execution: "Iron Sky" boasts one of the zaniest premises in recent memory, and somehow manages to squander most of its potential." - Jeff Shannon



Stuff Texans Like part 3

Texans love their beverages, whether it be iced tea or beer that is barely drinkable, the citizens of the Lone Star state seem proud of their drinks. Sodas aren't called such here. They refer to every kind of pop as "coke". This is a conversation you'll hear frequently in Texas.

Him: Would you like a coke?

Me: Sure.

Him: What kind?

Me: Pepsi.

 

For whatever reason, the word coke is used to describe any kind of soda, sort of like how U-haul is the end all word for any rental truck.

 

In the Northwest people certainly enjoy their sodas, but very few restaurants actually serve Dr Pepper, well at least one's that don't include a drive through window. In Texas, you'll be as hard pressed to find one that doesn't offer the tasty beverage as you would be finding a home that doesn't have a firearm.

 

The love for Dr Pepper is not shocking, as it was first conceived in Waco, and even has a museum located there dedicated to its goodness. Texas may love it for regionalistic reasons, or they just love it because the whole state is addicted to sweet drinks, or it could be a combination of both. As you can imagine Texans love all things Texan, so it makes sense that they want to be a Pepper.

 

The company has offered all kinds of different flavors, but its original is the favorite of Texans the state over. I'm not a big fan of the drink myself, but its not something I despise.

 

So tip a glass to the the favorite soda of Texans, Dr Pepper.

 

"I've always maintained you cannot tell anyone what Dr Pepper tastes like because it's so different. It's not an apple, it's not an orange, it's not a strawberry, it's not a root beer, it's not even a cola. It's a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own." - WW Clements

 

 

 

Wiwille's Movie Reviews part 92

Sometimes you look at a film and wonder why the hell it exists. Sure even some of the worst movies I've seen (The Flintstones, Beverly Hills Cop Part 3, In the Army Now) have some reason for its production, if only to make money off suckers who have barely enough brain power to operate basic motor functions. But then there are those really bad films, the infamous “Manos: The Hands of Fate” and “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” that make you wonder why someone sat there and looked at the script and said, “Let’s do this”. There’s no possible way these films could ever make a dime for anyone involved in the production, unless I’m missing something about film distribution.

 

I have a rule about people submitting films that are complete donkey shit, but a few have ignored that rule (I’m looking at you Greg, Matt, and Tad!) In what can only be described as poor reading comprehension or just general sociopathic behavior, my friend and colleague Courtney decided to unleash the hell upon me that is “The Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror”.

 

There’s little more to be said about the plot other than what the title suggests. During some sort of LGBT festival, four gay couples check in to a bed and breakfast run by a conservative zealot and her in the closet daughter. Sans maybe one person, the couples are anything but likeable or interesting, and they all fit some sort of homosexual  stereotype, which can be viewed as insulting, but the film makers don’t give two shits. People start dying in ways that are laughable, and you’ll be relieved they’re dead just so you don’t have to listen to their awful line reads again. If there’s one good thing I can say about this film is that it mercifully ends.

 

There are twists that are told to the audience, which in no way serve the plot nor cures boredom, and the ending is as incomprehensible as it is poorly written and I shudder to give it a moment of thought. This movie doesn’t even succeed as being good trash, as it’s not competent enough to do even that, nor could it be considered funny camp. The only girl in the film I even had a remote interest in seeing naked never took off her clothes. It’s just awful, and it’s not even on the list of so bad it’s good, as this can only succeed on one level, being fodder for the MST3K treatment. Other than that it serves no purpose, well at least for me. If you’re a tea bagger who fantasizes about killing sodomites, well then run, don’t walk, to your nearest video store and bask in the glory that is “The Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror”.

 

And this trend of submitting films that are donkey shit needs to stop.

 

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

 

"Trash can be fun but this movie is too tedious and under-inspired to be amusing." - Kevin Thomas

 



Road rage, Texas style

My commute isn't bad, considering the horrific driving experiences I had when I lived in the Puget Sound. Here in DFW, people seem accustomed to doing the speed limit (shocking I know), and sometimes even faster. I would often get frustrated at people who felt morally obligated to drive 20 mph below the speed limit for no apparent reason what so ever, and immediately think they are doing so just to drive (no pun intended) other people nuts. Most people in the Seattle area hate their traffic and with good reason. It's impossible to get to your destination in a timely manner, unless you work graveyards, and even then you're dealing with that special kind of jerk going 45 mph in the left lane with no one in front of them.

 

On my commute home the other day things were going well, but every day there's a line up on the ramp from 161 to I-35. It's typical and I'm used to it, as it's the only slow period of my drive, but as it's a two lane ramp usually people stay in the left lane waiting to get onto the freeway, but there's always a few number of folks who can't stand the idea of waiting around for people to press on their accelerators and fly down the right lane to cut in at the front. This annoys some, and usually you'll find someone from the left lane decides to straddle the lane marker in a futile attempt to block others. This usually just makes the right laners swerve to the shoulder to get around them, give a honk and/or the finger, and continue their progress.

 

This day was different.

 

After seeing a half a dozen cars speed by me to cut their way up to the front of the line, the driver in front of me decided he had enough. He pulled into the right lane, got up alongside me, and matched my speed, which was stop and go. Cars started to file in behind him, and he maintained his defiance against those who thought they were entitled to be in front of him, even when they expressed their displeasure by honking at him repeatedly.

 

As my wife repeatedly tells me, it's never a good idea to piss off Texas drivers, and you never know whose packing. Well I guess this can be said for any region, but stereotypically it's a safe assumption that if they're a native Texan, chances are high they're packing. This man though, risked life and limb to prove a point, that no one is getting past his awesomeness and they shall not reach home before him. Godspeed blocking traffic guy, Godspeed.

 

"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic." - Dan Rather

Stuff Texans Like part 2

Fast food is everywhere. You can rarely find even the smallest of towns without a McDonalds, or even the ma and pa equivalent. Hell most convenience stores serve their own fried, artery killing goodness. Still, I've yet to see a region so inundated with fast food as I have the south, specifically Texas. Sure the DFW area has all the staples you would expect, such as the previously mentioned McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, Wendy's, but it has so much more. The sheer amount of restaurants dedicated to chicken is enough to make one's head spin. From Popeye's to Church's Chicken to the infamous KFC, the south is proud of their fried recipe chicken, which is not as good as they think it is, well except for Babe's (which I know isn’t fast food), that's the real deal right there. It’s sort of like how Philadelphians rant about how much better their cheese steak sandwiches are, when it’s not much, if at all, better than what you’d get anywhere else. I guess it’s unfair to pick on Philly as they really don’t have many legitimate things to feel pride in, so when any of their residents, current and former, proclaim their cuisine as the best just nod your head and let them swim in their sea of delusions. It’s only polite.

Chick-fil-A is one of those too numerous to count fast food chicken joints that are littered across the south. Many Texans, and others around the south, proclaim it as the best chicken sandwich you’ll get from a chain, and they may just be correct. Granted, they are just sandwiches, but they do have a good recipe that rivals, and some say even surpasses the Colonel’s (Note: I hate the way Colonel’s spelled. Out of all the words in the English language Colonel pisses me off the most. Really it’s just stupid. Would it kill you if an ‘r’ was put in there? No it wouldn’t and it would fucking make sense. It’s sort of like that useless ‘p’ in ‘pseudo’. No one says ‘pah-soo-do’. They only say ‘soo-do’. That’s it. I’m not going to stand for this kind of bullshit anymore. Colonel needs an ‘r’. Logic, and my own sanity, dictates this.)

Chick-fil-A, like another establishment Texans like, stay closed on Sunday to allow their employees time with their families and to worship the Lord thy God. As you would probably expect, this is a good business model for their target clientele, and I’m sure their staff enjoy one day spending watching football.

Chick-fil-A is not located much outside the south, but most in the US are now familiar with it thanks to their dumbass CEO making ludicrous statements about his', and what he thinks is God's, definition of marriage. As you may recall, a lot of hype surrounded this statement, and people came out in droves, for and against. People in Texas, as well as other places in the south, showed their support for Chick-fil-A by eating there more times than they normally would, making lines around their parking lots and keeping the employees busy. The south is so proud of their food, and Texas is no different. For anyone to threaten the livelihood of one of their most beloved fast food chains is akin to blaspheming God, so their support for Chick-fil-A isn’t all that surprising.

So there you have it, Chick-fil-A, one of Texas’ most beloved establishments, is a good eatery with fine lemonade.

“Successful leaders view the journey more like the captain of a sailboat, relying on their skill and know-how, but knowing all along that the wind (help from other sources) is the force that will get them to their destination.” – Dan Cathy, CEO

Stuff Texans like part 1

I've come a long way in my blogging story. When I first created this blog, I did so with the intent of detailing my job search, which was short lived. I then decided to detail my life and the escapades I would face, mostly over sharing about my political views and my unceremonious labor in and out of love. My world got dull and writing in this blog just became an escape from the drudgery of dating and trying to get my emotional house in order. Still I persevered and my life's grandest adventure took place when I packed up and traveled over thousand miles from the place I called home to start a family. While being a father and a husband is never boring, reading about it sometimes is.

Most people in the US and abroad who have never set foot in Texas feel you should be required to use a passport to travel into it, as it’s about as foreign to most as a Brazilian barrio slum. While there are indeed unique differences between Dallas and Seattle, and not just the weather, the Lone Star state is very similar to many regions in the US. The people are often just like other wherever you go, individually they’re the same, collectively they’re different.

So this new segment of Stuff Texans Like, which was blatantly ripped off from Stuff White People Like and Stuff Christians Like, highlights the unique differences you’ll find in Texas as opposed to my former life in the Pacific Northwest. Today we start with a simple arts and craft store called Hobby Lobby.

Hobby Lobby is a craft store that caters to the Chicken Soup for the Soul crowd. It has what you’d expect at a Michael’s, but it has more of a Baptist feel. You’ll find wall décor that talks about Jesus and Jesusey things, but mostly the store has various times related to scrap booking and other visual arts, and it even has model trains and the like. It’s a nice store with low prices and takes pride in the fact that they’re closed on Sundays, even posting the fact on their doors to let others know it’s to let their employees spend time with their families and worship. Their brand of Christianity is comforting to their clientele, who likely have dreams of being the next Thomas Kinkade, but it also has handy items for the more practical of us. Regardless of the company’s religious affiliation many can find a good deal at Hobby Lobby.

Hobby Lobby has upped their Christian cred in Texas with challenging the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare) in the courts as they don’t want to have their insurance company provide their employees with certain kinds of birth control, such as the morning after pill. Mistakenly thinking them as abortion drugs, they’ve currently lost their legal battle and vow to pay huge fines rather than let their staff take part in the coverage. As most of you can probably guess, most Texas Christians aren’t too fond of our current commander in chief and applaud Hobby Lobby’s martyrdom.

Now it’s unfair to say only Texans like Hobby Lobby as they’re popular all over the south, but I’ve never entered a store in the Northwest, as I’m pretty sure few exist there.

"All they're asking for is a narrow exemption from the law that says they don't have to provide drugs they believe cause abortions. Our basic point is the government can't put a corporation in the position of choosing between its faith and following the law." - Hobby Lobby attorney Kyle Duncan.

Wiwille can't have fun.

I used to take delight in reading about conspiracy theories. The sadly now defunct Billy Ocean: Student Council Treasurer, a blog I used to contribute to, made a habit of laughing at those who created, promoted, and embraced such lunacy. It was fun times as I couldn't really fathom the idea of believing in the silly nonsense, but as time went on my enjoyment of ridiculing people for thinking the UN has some secret agenda that's puppeteered by the Illuminati and it involves vaccines which secretly poison children and make you conform to your local and world government wained. I now find them sad as most people who subscribe to conspiracies aren't just daft, they seem to be mentally ill.

 

Persecution complexes are very real, even amongst the most intelligent and seemingly well adjusted folks amongst us. For whatever reason some like to cling to the belief that they're fighting some unseen force of evil that's hell bent on enslaving or destroying humanity through all sorts of manners, usually by consolidating their wealth and using people in power as their puppets to enforce their malicious agendas.

 

And of course, if there's a dollar to be made off the unfortunate, there will be exploiters. Enter Alex Jones, who's the current patron saint of all conspiracy theories, up to and including the US government was behind 9/11 and a bizarre alien race who look like lizards are controlling the powerful people, if not masquerading as them. He's not alone in bilking poor people out of their hard earned dollars based on their unfounded fears. Mike Adams of NaturalNews.com fame does the same thing only his website is more limited to thinking vaccines are the equivalent of making your children drink arsenic and GMOs cause cancer. (Not shockingly Mike Adams sometimes guest hosts Alex Jones radio program). Fanning the paranoia of people who should know better, Alex and his ilk are truly despicable in their campaign of misinformation, which can cause real harm to the fans' lives.

 

As I know people who believe in this nonsense, I often try to combat it with reason and logic, and fail every single time. I don't know why I bother, because if someone comes to a conclusion not based on reason they certainly won't be swayed because of it. Yet I press, in the often delusional thinking that I may make a difference. I often go to Alex and Mike's websites to easily dissect why their crap is bunk, point out why it is to the sender of the stupid email with the claim, and find myself being the subject of name calling such as "shill for (insert corporation here)" or "close minded".

 

Why do I keep doing it? Well I find it interesting to a certain degree, and making people with a superiority complex feel stupid is fun, and it feeds my superiority complex which....oh dear.

 

Anyways, most of the advertisements I find on the websites are disgusting, as, especially in Mike Adam's case, they sell products that could do them harm. Unfounded medical treatments are sold to the uneducated, books containing more misinformation are hawked, free energy machines that don't work are peddled, and various other products designed to scare you into becoming a doomsday prepper are making these folks rich. Still I came across one today that I found baffling:

 

 

Most of the ads usually are up front in telling you what it is they're selling. In this ad, I have no idea what the Global Elite TM are obviously failing to hide from me. Are they trying to stop men from wearing ugly sweaters? Will men no longer be able to stick a microphone in front of a hapless woman who happened to hire a crew of six to help her into her jeans? What are they trying to hide? What?

 

I haven't the courage to click on the ad, as who knows what kind of spyware will install itself on my computer.

 

Here's another gem from Alex Jone's site:

Pictured is Hulda Regehr Clark, who this ad said could cure nearly any pain or disease. Well a simple search of this naturopath shows her treatments were administered in the form of electric shock, and believed that she could cure not nearly, but any disease, even cancer and HIV. Well she died of cancer in 2009, so yeah.

 

And this is why I no longer find conspiracy theories funny anymore. The exploiters do real damage as seen with the recent bouts of diseases thanks to anti-vaxxers doing, or actually not doing, what anti-vaxxers do. Trying to even engage with conspiracy theorists always seems to be a losing battle, because if you don't agree with them, you're somehow in on the conspiracy; therefore enabling them to feel more resolute in their so called wisdom.

 

"9-11 was a self inflicted wound." - Alex Jones

 





Things I'd like to see in 2013

We're all supposed to be excited about the end of a year, and hope for an even better one than the supposed awesomeness that was 2012. Well such optimism is usually a bunch of horse shit, as things can and often will get worse as time goes on. Look at New Years Eve on 2011. Who would've predicted such awfulness as Gungam Style, monthly shooting sprees, Paul Ryan, Kim Jong-Un, fiscal cliffery, Amish Mafia, another year of stupid talent based reality shows that display very little ability in their respective craft and are scripted. Yes 2012 was not a good year for many, even for Democrats who failed to take back the House from a party that seems to be on the verge of non-existence.

So below are some things I'd like to see happen in 2012:

1. A Depp/Burton project that doesn't have to involve Helen Bonham Carter and will actually be watchable.
2. The death penalty will be banned in the US, except for those who create spyware and other malicious software.
3. The United States will collectively, without the need for legislation, say no more Ke$ha.
4. Facebook will implement a feature for anyone who posts anything annoying and/or pretentious, to deliver an electric shock through their keyboard and nuke their account into orbit.
5. Lite Beer will no longer exist.
6. All vegetables will taste like cheese.
7. We actually find a cure for cancer, and it was from researchers from Kent State, so they can finally scrub the image of the shot student as being the first thing you think about when that school is mentioned.
8. I would like to see Peyton Manning win another Super Bowl ring, and the Seahawks and Lions go back to being the kings of mediocrity that history has known them for.
9. I'd like to read a football article that doesn't mention Tim Tebow. I'm sure he's a nice guy and doesn't deserve any of this, but still enough.
10. I'm hoping cops will give more tickets for going too slow, than going fast.
11. I hope that all will check Snopes.com and other fact checking sites before forwarding their stupid emails.

That's all I want, isn't too much to ask.

"Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?" - Ogden Nash