Aug 30, 2006
I was on the elliptical trainer when an older woman got up on the one next to me. She had another woman on her right who was using a fan in front of her. Older woman then looks at me.
Older woman: Never mess with a woman's fan.
Older woman: See we like our fans and get highly temperamental when they're messed with.
Me: I see.
Older woman: The fan keeps us cool while we work out.
Me: Yes fans have a tendency to do that.
Older woman: That's why we get angry when someone tries to move them or turn them off.
Me: Well you gotta keep cool.
Older woman: Yes. So keep that in mind when you move a fan.
Me: I can honestly say I've never messed with a fan without permission.
Older woman: It's just best not to ask. You see a woman working out in front of a fan just leave it be.
Now this is interesting. If I see a fan on I ask if there's anyone using it. If yes I leave it alone, if no I turn it off. Now this woman is claiming I shouldn't ask at all.
Me: Why shouldn't I ask if someone's using it? A lot of times that I do people say they aren't. They just ignore it, cause the one who turned it on in the first place was to lazy to switch it off.
Older woman: That's wrong. Most of them will say no just because they're being nice and don't want conflict.
Me: Yes they have your social graces.
Older woman: Huh?
Me: Never mind. I'll leave the fans alone.
Older woman: Good, cause you see the fans blah blah blah....
I tuned her out from then on. I should just make it a habit of not responding at all to people.
"Can God go to the gym to work out for you? God helps those that help themselves. You have to do it! God or some omnipotent power or whatever you want to believe in gives you the energy, the will to do it, but you have to do it yourself." - Jack LaLanne
Aug 29, 2006
Plagued by clan violence, lawlessness, and corruption the citizens of Gaza has experienced more brutality by their own brethren then was inflicted by Israel. Now this is not something I came up with, nor did some Israeli sympathizer. This was the conclusion of Hamas spokesman Ghazi Hamad.
"I am not interested in discussing the ugliness and brutality of the occupation because it is not a secret. Instead, I prefer self-criticism and self evaluation," he wrote condemning the behavior of the residents.
Amazing that someone, from Hamas no less, is putting blame on the current struggles on the Palestinians. I for one am surprised by this news and I'm sure many in Israel are suffering strokes when they heard this.
In related news I just witnessed a pig fly by my cube and Scarlett Johansson has finally accepted my marriage proposal after 14,678 shoot downs.
"Our extreme joy at their departure made us forget the most important question: What is our next step?" - Ghazi Hamad
Hamas figure slams Gaza 'anarchy'
Unfortunatley I was not around for his cube desicration, but the results looked good.
Aug 26, 2006
Anyways my boss sent an announcement via email about his upcoming move to Fargo and misspelled the name of the city as 'Faro'. Myself, as well as others who work graveyards, gave him a ration of hell for that replying all to his email with comments about his lack of spellcheck.
This led my boss to an idea for cube decoration. The team would write 'Faro' over and over again on sticky notes and cover the entire cubicle with them. Yes I got hand cramps from this, but it was worth it as Adrian, the guy who's leaving us, seemed to enjoy being the butt of the simple prank.
I for one will miss the good Adrian. In the sea of insanity that is working a graveyard shift he was someone who kept himself in calm waters. Well somewhat at least.
Aug 24, 2006
A guy who I've never met was escorting what seemed to be a new employee around the premises. He was showing her where everyone's office was, including the admin's cube which is located in front of mine.
Short guy with gray hair: This is Buffy's cube, Mark's office, and Tiffany's office.
Girl: Who's that back there?
Short guy with gray hair: (to me) Hi.
Me: Hi there.
Short guy with gray hair: (to girl) He's someone answering the phones. Anyways down here we have...
I told this story to my co-workers and one stated that he would be offended by this. I found it kind of funny actually that this man, who's appearance alone screams his life sucks because his wife is a gambling junkie and bangs the local barfly on a regular basis while he still pains over coming out of the closet, found me not important enough to introduce.
I also take comfort in the fact that I'm much cooler than he. I may be inferior in the salary department, but overall I'm the superior caliber of person. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
“To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.” - E.E. Cummings.
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
And my all time favorite:
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
While these are indeed humorous I decided to take it a step further and write my own. Hope you enjoy:
1: You will not listen to and enjoy KD Lang, Melissa Ethridge, The Cure, and/or Madonna. If you find a friend owning any of their albums then desecration is allowed.
2: It is not okay to watch The Gilmore Girls, 90210, or any soap opera. If you're caught doing so you must declare that you only view it for the hot women.
3: If you own any album by Chicago without the express intent of using it to woo a female you are officially eligible for masculine intervention.
4: Reading poetry is okay, but only if deemed appropriate by the masculine overlords, namely me.
5: It is not okay to have a subscription to People magazine or Entertainment Weekly unless it's for the sole purpose of using as toilet paper.
6: If a woman asks you if they look fat in an article of clothing lie. If you don't then you need to be educated in the Darwinian principle of only the strong survive.
7: It is never okay to wear pastel colors in the gym. In fact it's not okay to wear it anywhere.
8: Never ask your friends if they think your girlfriend is hot. No good can come from this.
9: If your girlfriend/wife asks for a three way with your best friend leave her immediately.
10: Unless your arm has been severed in a freak carpentry accident it is never okay to let men see you cry.
11: When one of your friends dates a girl that female is off limits for life. In fact you may want to hash this out in writing.
12: You must never own 'The Cutting Edge' or any romantic comedy starring Mandy Moore on DVD. No exceptions.
13: Thou shall never use the services of a tanning salon.
14: You will not own and use bath accessories unless they are to be utilized for two. Come to think of it you will never take a bath alone.
15: Furry toilet seat covers are unacceptable. In fact all toilet seats should all be made out of steel.
16: If you and your friends are involved in a competitive activity, such as flag football, poker, or video games, you will never stop activity to answer a call from your girlfriend/wife. In fact it should be turned off.
17: If you have beer in your fridge you must offer it to your friend. If they complain about the quality then violence is acceptable.
18: Even though you may wear them you must always maintain that you hate polo shirts. Loudly exclaim that only children, teenagers, and men who enjoy ballroom dancing should be the only people wearing them.
19: You may have many masculine traits about you, but you can piss them all away if you drink lite beer.
20: You will never kiss another man on the lips. I shouldn't have to explain this.
I think that's enough for now.
"Nothing is either all masculine or all feminine except having sex." - Marlo Thomas
Aug 22, 2006
M`S`N = TANKTOPLUV@HOTMAIL.COM (Tank top luv? Now that's something new. Is this like a shoe fetish?) - ADD ME . IM TRYING TO MEET SOME NEW FRIENDS CAUSE I JUST MOVED -----________----------__________ Turn-ons: Abs,asses, boobs, tongues, tattoos, piercings, soft skin, shaved down there, eyes, lips, tight jeans, hot cologne, motor bikes, hot cars, 3-somes, porn, chocolate!!! (Similar to SexyMonica. Could they be the same bot or perhaps they're real people with like minds? We should hook these two up.) Turn-offs: Smelly people, hairy people, loud people, cheap people, liars, idiots, racist people! I am special (What makes everyone think they're special? I mean seriously unless you have the adonis strength and amazing intellect that I posses you are not special, different maybe.) .. I am horny (Does being horny make you special? If that's the case I've been special since I was 12) ... I am fun and caring and loveable (Ahh aren't you the sweetheart?) I like to go out and have fun with the girls and I love oral sex and surfing lol (Amazing. So does SexyMonica. Both think that surfing is funny. I still don't get it.) .. I also love to skate in the winter (Is there a lot of snow in Atlanta?) and going out with a hot guy to dinner then maybe some fun at his place! (Again so does SexyMonica) Quiet . . . crazy (Usually quiet and crazy involve yourself appearing on the six o'clock news with your refrigerator being confiscated by the police) . . . fun . . . loyal . . . honest . . . genuine . . . thoughtful (Yes I can see so much thought radiating from this description of yourself) . . . 3rd yr student at U of T . . . loves clubbing . . . sentimental . . . drinks too much (Not really a bad thing). . . I wear my heart on my sleeve (and on your MySpace profile) My perfect match would be somebody (male or female) who knows how to find out what I like and do it lol (My rent is high and I need someone who'll pay my credit card bills) .. I am not very demanding (Yeah. All you need to do to bang her is dinner) but I know what I want, when I want it heheh! (I'm such the bitch. You will need to be rich to see me naked on a regular basis. Or really hot.) the perfect date would consist of a long walk on the beach followed by dinner and a movie and cuddling and lots of making out hehhee (First I thought it was just dinner that would get you out of your clothes, now you want a long walk. Geesh) .. The ideal relationship would be one in which there is mutual respect, understanding and sacrifice (Especially when the sacrifice involves you giving me 10% of your paycheck each month) . communication is key also (You will listen to me nag and will shut the hell up while doing so) .. if u both want to make it work, it can happen! In past relationships i have learned that you need to speak about whats bothering you (I will always bitch about your small penis) and not keep it all inside or else the relatinship will be tough.
Yes dear Bambina much like the others I denied your request to be my MySpace pal. Good luck in your quest for online acceptance from the ever so picky users of Rupert Murdoch's website.
“MySpace is for people online to socialize and we threw music into the mix as another option." - Tom Anderson
"I sure am," I said. "Hop in."
"Thanks man," he said as he sat in the passenger seat. "People aren't so trusting nowadays."
"They sure aren't," I replied. "Sometimes people believe the world is more dangerous than it really is. Then again some hate to have a stranger enter their comfort zone."
"Thankfully there's people like you," he said. "My name is Josh."
"Erik. Welcome to my little ride."
I could play it off like I'm a good Samaritan, but really I have a few rules about picking up hitchhikers.
1) Size the person up. If you feel you could take them if things get physical then pull over.
2) Don't ever do it when you already have a passenger. If something goes awry there's no point in getting them involved.
If Josh had been a particularly big guy would I have given him a ride? Eh probably, but I'm not that much of a saint. My safety will always come first even if I do lend a hand to a stranger.
Josh was a decent fellow who's busy working two jobs and was on his way home from the doctors. He told me he was having some heart trouble which may be related to the long hours he works each week. Seems like life isn't so good for our wayward hitchhiker which probably explains why he couldn't spring for a cab.
I've picked up many hitchhikers in my day and this always comes a surprise to most. Some feel it's foolish, but I think they've been watching too many movies. I've had many a pleasant experience picking up strangers.
I dropped Josh off at an intersection in Renton and he was very thankful for the lift. He would've had a long walk that might have taken him all day. With a heart like his I don't think that would have been wise.
The other night the Pretty Girl and I got out of a movie and witnessed some guy begging for money or a ride. I ignored him because a) I didn't have any cash on me and b) I had my girlfriend with me. Keeping her safe is more important than being someone's savior for the evening, plus I didn't want her to witness what would transpire if things got ugly.
Yeah I do my charity out of convenience and I don't know how I feel about that.
"That's what I liked about hitch-hiking. If a crowd wasn't big enough, I kept walkin." - Brownie McGhee
Tuesdays are landscaping days. The workers start in the early morning, about the same time I go to bed, and fire up their lawn equipment and work away while I try to get some slumber.
Mondays aren't so bad, but it is garbage and recycling day. The noisy scoops and rattling of glass and aluminum can make for a tiring sleep, but today added some noise that I wasn't expecting. I heard a loud crash followed by a bunch of commotion involving sirens and people yelling. I decided it was probably something unrelated to my little world so I tried to get back to sleep. Finally giving up on the sandman I arose out of bed and still heard some noise.
I went outside to investigate and saw this:
Yes this is a garbage truck lying on it's side. According to a witness the driver left the scoop up, which made the vehicle even more top heavy than usual, and took the corner too fast which resulted in what you see above. The scary part is it was about a foot away from the gas line.
According to one witness the driver was pulled out of the vehicle a bloody mess. Upon closer inspection of the cab he left behind quite a bit of his plasma. I hope he's okay.
A crowd ensued and my roommates and I entertained ourselves by watching the tow truck drivers carefully ease the truck back on it's wheels.
This is the start of the whole operation.
My roommates documenting the wreckage. Yeah we were bored.
I hope this tow truck driver gets paid a lot.
After what seemed like forever they finally made some progress.
Sad thing is that road is the only entrance to the town house complex which of course was blocked off. There's a gate on the side from a parking lot that's chained up which the firefighters were kind enough to break for the residents.
After three hours they finally got the truck out of there and a cleanup crew took care of the remains. Luckily the truck didn't hit anyone else nor did it break the gas line. I'd hate to think of what would've happened. Small blessings.
"I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out." - Lee Grant
Aug 18, 2006
Olivia sent me the request with this heartbreaking tale of woe. My comments in red.
About me: I moved to Seattle 3 months ago with my boyfriend, well, ex-boyfriend now. 3 weeks after he convinced me to move, he broke up with me. (Man what a jerk) I usually meet people pretty quickly, but between trying to find a job and pouting over Brian, I haven't had time to really go out very much. (Poor kid) One thing I did find is this webcam site. (Not too strange since many people do this) It pays pretty decent and the best part is that its really fun, too. I hope being on this site will help me meet people and maybe make a little money. (Make money? What kind of site is this?) So, if you're bored (which I always am at work) and want to see more pics, Click Here to Visit Me .
Who I'd like to meet: How about a guy who won't dump me after I move 500 miles..
Well that's a sad tale. I mean seriously this girl moves for this guy and then he dumps her? Well since I'm a nice guy and she did pull at my heart strings a bit I decided to see what her webcam was all about. Was it something like those lip synching Asian guys? If you thought so well I'd like to welcome you to your first month on the internet.
Listed below is her webcam description (and no I haven't, nor will I view it) Of course my comments are in red:
What turns me on:Double penetration with big cock (Yikes) mmm love anal pussy (love anal pussy? Not that I'm a prude or anything, but I've never heard of that. Is it like ass to mouth?)and ass fisting (Ass fisting seems pretty difficult to me. I guess you have to give her props for doing the almost impossible) ....love it when guys talk dirty to me till im hot, wet n horny to fuck (so you love it when guys tell you you're 'wet and horny to fuck'? Horny to fuck? Isn't that like saying hungry to eat?) .....u think u can be the one to make me cum all over?.. (Well considering I'm not into double penetration or ass fisting probably not. You may say I'm just not man enough for you, but that's okay. I can deal with not being able to compete with a stellar one like you're ex-boyfriend.)
My expertise:I do anal & pussy fisting (Yes you have made that clear), oral (do you know SexyMonica?), foot fetish, role playing, double penetration , lots of toys , pee (Okay folks I know it takes all sorts, but seriously urine? I mean...just...nasty. Just friggin nasty.) and im an extreme squirter (Have you been on the Howard Stern show?) ... plus anything else u could think of :p (Call me unimaginative, but I doubt there's anything else she could list that would surprise me. Maybe if it involved fire, a Barney doll, and/or throwing rocks at orphans.)
Damnit Olivia here I thought you were this sweet girl who was wronged by some dude and you just wanted to make some friends. Come to find out you're just another amateur porn star. Since I have enough friends I had to deny you as my buddy. I hope the online nudity gig works out for you, but I would recommend you lay off the fisting, cause I hear it's bad for the bowels.
"There's a lot of personal information and things like that on MySpace.com -- a bit more than I'm comfortable with." - James Murphy
With Mel Gibson's rant against Hebrews, the whole Macaca fiasco, and now Tramm Hudson accusing black people of their supposed lack of aquatic abilities public figures are likely to keep their language in check when it comes to addressing issues such as race and creed.
Then there's Bill O'Reilly. In his latest concerted effort to try and bring a more knowledgeable than thou approach to every complex issue facing our world he voiced his opinion on airport security. While a few things he said made sense he did include this gem:
"Passengers who are Muslims ages 16 to 45 all should be spoken with. And if the ACLU doesn't like it, tough. This isn't racial profiling. This is criminal profiling."
Yeah because all Muslims carry the Koran everywhere they go, just as all Catholics have rosaries swinging from their necks, and all Jews have hooked noses and wear funny hats, and all Scientologists jump on couches and berate people with mental disorders and all...okay I think I went far enough with that.
Profiling is a sensitive topic and I see both sides having valid arguments, which brings me to a funny story.
I was flying to Nashville about a year after 9/11. At that time security was pulling people from the lines at the gate itself. Before I boarded the plane at Seatac I was asked to step aside and have my carry on luggage inspected while I took off my shoes and security waved their metal detecting wand around me. Wasn't a big deal I thought.
I a lay over in Charlotte and before I boarded the plane I was asked yet again to get out of line at the gate and have security rummage through my belongings while they checked to see if I had any metal devices on me.
After the vacation I boarded at Nashville and sure enough found myself being inspected by security. Finally after my lay over in Charlotte the airline representative asked me to step out of line and report to security.
Me: Now I know this is supposed to be random, but this is the fourth time I've been pulled out of line at the gate on this trip. What is it about me that makes me so suspect?
Her: Sir it's all random. Please step over to security.
Me: What are the odds that I would be pulled out of line 4 times in one trip? Is it because I look scruffy?
Her: Sir it's all random. Please step...
Me: Okay okay thank you for your honesty mam.
I step over to the security table next to the gate.
Security: Please take off...(I immediately remove my shoes and belt)...Wow you've done this before.
Me: Yep. Fourth time this trip. Has to be some sort of record. Do I receive a prize?
Security: Not today sir.
Me: My prize is your company.
Security: And that's the best kind. (She was saying this as she deployed her wand around my crotch).
At that time a family of black people were standing next to me at the table going through the same routine with another guard. The father looked at me with a strange look. I stared back at him thinking he might be looking to start something with me. He then looked at his wife all puzzled.
"Man they must be gettin strict," he said in a loud southern accent. "They now pullin over white folk."
Even the security guards had to laugh as did everyone within ear shot. I think the whole experience was worth it just for that.
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children." - George W Bush.
More Airline Terror Chaos
Aug 17, 2006
Listed below is the perfect example of why the phrase 'if it reaches one person' is flawed. While they may bring one soul into Christ's flock they certainly can deter thousands. Nothing, I mean nothing will ensure that lost souls will never open a Bible in their lives such as Christian mimes.
Yes you read that right. A group of teenagers reenact the crucifixion in the art made famous by Marcel Marceau. Just when you thought it couldn't get more annoying than Stryper.
If this catches on then we may have Muppets depicting Mohammed's warlord days.
"You can't be evangelical and associate yourself with Jesus and what he says about the poor and just have no other domestic concerns than tax cuts for wealthy people." - Jim Wallis
Aug 15, 2006
I asked Corey what he felt was the most worthless band ever. I was looking for quality and lack of influence as being the parameters for the answer. He thought about it for a while and then brought up Kiss as being the worst band ever.
I agree that Kiss is a horrible band; however their influence cannot be denied. Where would butt rock be without Kiss? Although the 80s music may have been a lot better off without them, you see their trademarks in a lot of the hair bands.
Corey changed his answer to Styx.
My pick is none other than the Fine Young Cannibals. I don't know who it was who decided that band should have even a short career, but that person deserves eternal torment for unleashing that crap upon the public. I believe slow torture must be induced upon them consisting of an endless loop of Roseanne's talk show and tea bagging rabid wolves.
Thankfully the FYC left the popular music scene as quickly as they came and it was easier to escape the annoying vocals of that horrific group.
"But I do believe, I mean I'm an optimist when it comes to human nature and particularly the therapeutic nature of music and the therapeutic nature of Styx music." - James Young
For your listening displeasure:
Aug 14, 2006
Some guys want desperately to be the smooth guy in the bar and will go to great lengths to be the man that has the perfect thing to say at each and every moment. I guess I can understand that. Every male wants to be charming to some degree, especially when men like myself have to compensate for their sub-par looks.
Some want to live the dream so badly that they've enrolled in a charm school. Entitled Charm School Boot Camp, men pay $1,600 do learn how to approach women and hopefully not end up with a cold shoulder or a face full or mace.
The best line from the article:
"Sam, a stocky, recent college graduate from Boston with shaved head and thick chain around his neck, said he is tired of sleeping with "drunk chicks" and wants to learn how to properly "pursue and attain" the women of his choice."
You might think the money would be better spent into buying better jewelry and and a stylist. I will say this about the education, if you spend over a thousand dollars on something called charm school you deserve no attention from the ladies.
"I would say in terms of last night's performance, I've definitely found my path to fulfillment. Last night I felt uncomfortable, but I've taken in what they've taught me. I've been myself, and it's worked." - Ben, Charm School Boot Camp graduate.
"Charm school" helps men perfect the pick-up
Hopefully I'll still have enough material floating around in my unstable mind to bring you quality, albeit amatuer, rantings for another year.
Aug 12, 2006
I've seen numerous jokes about the idiotic film; however I still don't get a single one of them. Okay the Samuel L Jackson voicemail thing was kind of cool as he is..well...he's just friggin Samuel L Jackson. I mean everyone, including myself, thinks he's uber cool, but we seem to forget that he starred in 'Coach Carter' and 'The Man'.
Sure the title is so silly it's funny, but after five minutes the joke was stale. After all the hype and jokes on Fark I still find myself giving a shit less about seeing it.
Much like my indifference to Harry Potter, Stephen King, and any rap album released after 1995 I find myself truly disconnected with the populous. Maybe I should just accept that fact that everything that people likes sucks and pretend to enjoy it regardless if it's quality entertainment just so I can fit in. Or not.
Oh and some company made 'Snakes on a Train' that was just released on DVD.
"Dictionaries are like watches; the worst is better than none, and the best cannot be expected to be quite true." - Samuel L. Jackson
Aug 11, 2006
Artist Amanda Dumas-Hernandez has invented a television bra. Yes that's one tube for each cup, both tuned to sports. I for one hail Amanda as a genius. If this doesn't get the Nobel prize I will declare the event useless. I mean Stephen Hawking is a smart guy and all, but nothing compared to the brilliance of this.
“I thought I’d give blokes something they love: breasts and TV in one.” - Amanda Dumas-Hernandez
Now for girls with a see-cup (scroll to second story for pic).
Aug 10, 2006
I've been asking friends and acquaintances to do it, but most give me the excuse that a) they don't have the money b) they don't have the time and/or c) they're too scared. For all that are too frightened to complete the highly unnatural act I'd like to introduce Mary Armstrong.
Mary Armstrong is a 90 year old great grandmother who has recently taken her fourth tandem jump. How does it feel to know that this woman has more balls and a sense of adventure than you?
"It was lovely. It was a beautiful day for it and I can't wait to have another go." - Mary Armstrong
Granny, 90, goes sky-diving
Now the tables have been turned apparently. About a week ago I was watching TV and saw an ad for "Guys Gone Wild". Same premise, different genitalia.
It's never really a good idea to get naked on camera as the notorious attention whore Paris Hilton once taught us. Men are usually much more inhibited about showing their manhood than women exposing the chests. I couldn't help to think how they get them to do it.
Enter Misty Nicole, pictured above, who is the producer of the penis laden footage. Her job is to approach cute guys who have no interest in running for politics and convince them that whipping out their wieners on camera is a good idea. Being as hot as she is it doesn't seem take a lot of coaxing on her part.
That's the thing about men. Give us enough drinks and a pretty girl can ask us to run in the freeway with our pants around our ankles to look for pennies she dropped and men will gladly line up do it. We're kind of stupid that way.
For some reason I don't think this will be a big seller with women. It may with the gay community; however I think a lot of sales will be gag gifts given to the one friend in the circle who's the butt of all jokes.
"It's like 'Jackass' but with naked frat boys. I would find the craziest group of guys, take my camera and start to film them." - Misty Nicole
Now guys also go wild for cameras
About a year ago I received news that my services were no longer required by my company and that my position was to be filled by someone working in India. During that time I was in the middle of shooting my second film, but with the layoff I considered halting production for monetary reasons. I still wanted a creative outlet, so I decided to create a blog to chronicle my experiences looking for work.
Within a month I was hired back by the same company and I resumed production on my short film. I considered dropping the blog, but instead found the experience cathartic as I got to express my opinions, whether they be PC or not, on any given subject I was feeling at that time. I was having fun writing about world events and my observations about the often mudane consumer lifestyle a lot of us lead. A whole two people read it so I thought I would at least keep my small audience entertained.
One day I started receiving comments on my blog. Most of them were from Matt; however there were a few from spammers. This got annoying real quick so I set up word verification to block them and the problem was solved.
One comment came from City Soul, my first from a stranger. The comment came with a picture of a hot girl in a studio shot so without even looking at the text I figured it was spam. Before I deleted it I glanced at the writing and thought to myself it may not be someone trying to enhance my breasts or sell me porn.
I went to City Soul's blog and realized it was legitimate. How she came across my blog I don't know, but I found her writings, which are themed after her life experience as a New York party girl coping with newly acquired suburban life, interesting enough to keep reading on a regular basis.
Through her I started reading other blogs on her blog roll and found an array of interesting characters, mainly Jinsane, author of Mind Blowing Insanity. After commenting on her blog and browsing through the list of her regular reads I found myself feeling almost insecure about my mildly literate rants. Blogs such as Scott's and Alyssa's dwarf mine as far as prose is concerned and I've never felt the design of Erik's Ramblings was really all that necessary. The main focus should always be on the writing. I happen to keep a job that has a low volume of work and when an idea strikes me I start to write it in here as quickly as possible before something actually important comes up.
Most of the blogs I read have a theme, but I keep mine random as that's who I am. I try to post as I think and do it with little editing. Some days you'll read about movies, other's about politics, love, art, or wacky things that have happened to me.
Autobiographies, like blogs, are mostly fiction whether the author's aware of it or not. While certain dates and events are accurate, the details are often skewed to either a) make the story entertaining b) leave out the points that make us look like lesser people c) try to convince someone that I am hung like a porn star, am fabulously wealthy, have the moral compass of the Dali Lahma, and date Salma Hayek. The filter we use to tell our tales can be subconsciously altered. There are three sides to every story. Your side, my side, and the truth. We don't have anyone fact checking this so none of us will be chewed out by Oprah if the accounts are stretched a bit.
The most interesting thing that happened to me since I entered this world of Blogger is when Time Magazine quoted me a while back which I still find funny. I mean a reputable news source taking a phrase from some over opinionated schlub like me is ripe with humor.
I noticed some bloggers really are admitted comment whores, but I don't really care if you comment or not, just as long as you enjoy it. This blog has mostly been for my benefit as every time I publish something I can't help but to imagine myself ten, twenty, even thirty years from now going back and reading this and thinking 'man what a messed up guy I was'. It is interesting to notice what subjects bring in the comments and what doesn't. If you read Mind Blowing Insanity you'll notice her comments go off the charts when she posts half naked pictures of herself. I do admire her bravery for showing skin on a weekly basis; however, as God as my witness I'll never post half naked pictures of myself to you, unless it's a mug shot or something funny.
Starting tonight I will for the first time ask for feedback from you dear readers. Yes I'm going to be a comment slut on this one. I seek guidance from all four of you who read Erik's Ramblings as to what it is you like to read about. Do you enjoy the political posts? Movies? Strange news stories? Personal insights on daily life? Or do you like the fact that it is random and you never know what topic you'll read about? Should I post more? Less? Longer posts? Shorter posts? More pics of hot women? More pics of hot men?
I appreciate any and all feedback concerning this as I'm interested in what you have to say. That is if I get any. If I don't I suppose I'll just have to go jump off a building naked with a big lip print on my ass.
"Bloggers are a unique breed. It's hard to explain blogs and bloggers to non-bloggers. When I say, "Yea there's this cool girl nonny from Ohio that I met through my blog" non-bloggers get creeped out. It's worse if you talk about someone from the opposite sex. I quickly explain that this isn't a glorified internet dating site (like myspace), but instead a creative outlet for fun people resulting in some good social networking." - Rawbean
Aug 9, 2006
It's gotten so bad that when a mediocre comedy is released it gets hailed as brilliant. There never has been a better example of that than Old School. Sure the first 30 minutes were hilarious, but after the infamous Will Ferrell streaking scene the movie drags into mildly amusing jokes to rather long and dull sequences.
You've all seen the film so I won't even bother with a synopsis. It tries to be a classic in the stale genre of college comedies, but Animal House it isn't. It's a good movie in it's own right, but ask anyone of my generation and they'll quote it endlessly like it was Office Space or Swingers, both of which are far superior films. Old School was refreshing given that the genre of leave your brain-at-the-door honest laugh fests is slim; however the film as a whole can be a chore to sit through.
Sadly the same phenomena occurred with another Wilson brother/Vince Vaughn film a few years later, but I'll save that for another post.
"At its best, it's a hilarious celebration of the party-animal id that's always at odds with the Apollonian superego of the house payment and 401(k). But like our own wild nights of pouring liquid soap into the fountain, it's just as easily forgotten." - Jonathan R. Perry
Aug 8, 2006
I'm going to go on one anyways. Would you expect anything less?
If anthropologists studied us only by our celebrities years from now their first questions would be what, if anything, did our women eat? When looking at a lot of women in the public spotlight it's logical to assume that weighing 100 lbs or less is in. To weigh 125 lbs means your a lard ass and will never achieve happiness.
I for one want it to stop. Right now. I mean end it. I'm sick and tired of the skinny look. There are millions of people like me. We won't take it anymore. I understand there are more pressing matters concerning the world body politic, but I'm going off on this one.
First it's a matter of taste. I like curves and 100 lb women don't have em. Well without implants that is and that seems to make matters worse. I like it when a woman looks like...well...a woman and not a 10 year old boy. I know men who do seem to be into the anerexic look and I've never understood it. If you don't like boobs and a shapely behind then you may want to think about if women are your actual focus.
Second it's just unhealthy. Who wants to put someone through all the physical pain of trying to achieve an almost impossible beauty standard? Men who expect women to starve themselves to the point of preferring females to stick a finger down their throat in the bathroom than to eat a tasty burger are dangerous and foul creatures. Guys you need therapy. Or a good beating. I'll be happy to help out with the latter.
Third there are selfish reasons such as the fact that I almost took it personally when Christina Ricci and Jennifer Connelly gave up their gorgeous curves in favor of a Kate Moss look. Sure I'll never meet these girls much less marry them, but damn I miss their look of old.
Fourth is I don't want another generation of girls looking up to these women as the standard. Granted the responsibility lies with the women as far as what they do to their bodies, but I cannot imagine what it's like being female and face the pressure of society demanding I look radiant at all times. It's got to be a nightmare for girls. Hell I don't even shave on a regular basis.
Now some may say we've always been obsessed with skinny, but the data shows that it's worse as time progresses. I recently read that 25 years ago models weighed an average of 8 percent less than the mean weight of women at that time. Now the peddlers of often ridiculous trends weigh 23 percent less than today's average female. Have women packed on that much weight in that time?
Kiera Knightley is one of the prettiest actresses out there, but I couldn't deal with being able to look at her and count all her rib bones. I just want to tell this to all women though. Men, at least real men, don't like to see your skeleton so eat a sandwich and quit your diet of ice, coffee, and no doz pills.
"And I'm happy that I'm not super skinny." - Alicia Keys
The shape we're in
"It could entice excessive consumption and lure children and youths with little maturity to start having sexual activities before their appropriate age."
I don't think a brand name of a condom could entice me to have sex more. I mean really if I saw one that said "Mammoth Stud Glove" I wouldn't rush out to bang someone. Then again I was a pretty strange teenager.
Seriously have adults become so out of touch that they honestly think that the act of sex is not stimuli enough for teens to get it on? Do they believe virgins see it on a shelf in a grocery store and think 'you know I wasn't going to engage in intercourse, but seeing that this condom guarantees it'll be good, why not?' I guess so.
No word on the 'Good Vibrations' vibrator. Sorry...lame joke.
"Good Penetration" condoms too racy for Thailand
Aug 7, 2006
You won't see many Catholics preaching out on the street. It does happen, but they as a whole usually try to convert their inner circle before displaying their faith for the masses. I've come across many a preacher or member of an outspoken parish who have approached me on the street to spread their word. I guess given my look people must think my soul is in dire need of being saved.
In college I saw a few ministers passing out little New Testament Bibles. These were different as they contained just a section of the book. I still have my little Psalms Bible given to me by a preacher at Western. Some students complained about him, but I had to admire his conviction. The guy probably got a heap full of shit from people on a daily basis yet he continued to do his work to try and help people reach the kingdom of heaven.
There are some preachers, like the Rev Fred Phelps, who make me sick. Case in point is Gary Don Bowman. This man sued the University of Arkansas for restricting his right to free speech by only granting him five days to spread the word. Sounds reasonable since it is a public forum and he does have the right to spread his message. Given that you're reading this on my blog well you know there is more to this.
He was found calling students sluts, whores, and fags when he tried to convert people. Not only that he allegedly told youngsters that they were going to hell if they joined a fraternity or sorority. Not exactly the best method of getting people to believe Christ is king.
I hate it that these people even exist. People like him give more ammunition to the anti-Christian folk. If you're a religious person I suggest you pray for this guy.
"As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to understand, which untaught and unstable people twist to their own destruction, as they do also the rest of the Scriptures. You therefore, beloved, since you know this beforehand, beware lest you also fall from your own steadfastness, being led away with the error of the wicked" - 2 Peter 3:16,17
Preacher Awarded Money in Lawsuit
Aug 6, 2006
I go into my place and start unloading groceries when my roommate appears.
"Hey man," I said. "Cheerleaders are having a car wash. We should go get ours washed."
"Dude," he said with a frown. "We're 31 years of age. They're way younger then us. If they're in high school that means they're like 15!"
"Oh yeah," I said. "I keep forgetting how old I am. I'm to the point of being a nasty old man. It's the same kind of guy my girlfriends in high school complained about."
"Yeah no one wants to be that guy," he replied.
"That guy ain't going to be me," I stated.
High school cheerleader car wash was a big event when I was a teenager, but now the fun is over. Back then my buddy and I would bring our cars in at the same time and watch the girls scrub the vehicles down. The girls knew what we were doing, but were kind enough to not care or they just simply enjoyed the attention.
I don't feel 31, but I need to start reminding myself on a constant basis that I am.
"If cheerleaders are so easy, why aren't you with one?" - Author Unknown
Aug 5, 2006
In other news people have been seen swimming in local pool, Ametuer blogger fights restraining order slapped on him by Scarlette Johansson, sun stubbornly still rises in the east, and Donald Rumsfeld believes the Iraqi insurgency is in it's last days.
"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper." - Thomas Jefferson
Shooting reported at firing range
Aug 4, 2006
"But we have a good president. I pray for him. Sometimes I'd like to pull down his britches and switch him, but I still love him."
Is there a market for political homo-erotica?
I'm not sure what removing people's clothing and switching jobs have to do with each other. Maybe if I really want a promotion I have to start pulling people's pants down. It seems only logical. My many attempts at getting a raise involved me rushing into my boss's office and doing a sexy dance to Abba songs. He actually gave me a pay cut the bastard.
“You can't leave politics out of anything that emanates from Washington, D.C." - Ralph Hall
Hastert makes N. Texas pitch for Rockwall rep
Many Americans can't stand them for not wanting to go to a war that was started under false pretenses by a corrupt and incompetent Presidential administration, but I for one never got caught up in the whole 'freedom fries' mentality.
Suffering from overseas competition French wine sellers are now reduced to providing clever names for their wine in an attempt to boost sales. Of course this brings us to the manufacturing and distribution of the French wine 'Arrogant Frog'. Brilliant.
"I have tried to lift France out of the mud, but she will return to her errors and vomitings. I cannot prevent the French from being French." - Charles de Gaulle
Wine lake spawns 'Arrogant Frog'
When I see images of people who are living a life of agony I assume them to be true. I don't want to think that people would stoop so low as to pull my heart strings to try and further their agendas. Even being the cynic that I am I can't help but view the news with an overwhelming sense of sympathy for groups of people who are caught in the middle of a strife that is much larger than they may understand.
The current videos being displayed by Hezbollah allegedly staging a massacre made me angry. Am I too much of a softy to look at new objectively? Has my upbringing made me so naive to immediately assume the best from people?
For anyone who has any interest in the conflict in the Middle East, public relations, or the power of media you may find this video of the area the Palestinians call "Martyrs Junction" as fascinating as I did:
"I cannot recognize either the Palestinian state or the Israeli state. The Palestinians are idiots and the Israelis are idiots." - Muammar Qadhafi
Aug 3, 2006
We have effectively filled the entire cubicle with balloons. Since we didn't have a helium tank Joe and I relied on our lungs. I'm so dizzy I forgot who I was for a while and believed that Dr Phil is quality television. I almost even thought about getting a subscription to People magazine. My high school biology teacher was right. Cutting off air to the circulation makes you stupid.
I don't think I'll be asked to decorate again. After viewing the handy work I can only think of one thing and that is I'm so overpaid. The pic above is about 3/4 of the work we put into it.
Regardless I think all will get a kick out of it. Hopefully Jeff, the co-worker who's moving on to bigger and better things in this company, will take it better than the guy in the video below:
"In my 20s and 30s I usually wrote at night, roughly 10 PM to 4 AM, alone in my lit room, like a solitary balloon sailing through the night." - Donald E. Westlake
Aug 2, 2006
"Do you use these things much?" the first one asked.
"Are you trying to tell me I'm fat?" I replied.
"No," she giggled. "I need some help. I've never been here before and was wondering how to use these things."
"Oh yeah," I said. "Sure it's pretty easy. I'll show you how it works."
The girls mounted the elliptical trainers and I showed them the various programs and how to adjust the resistance. I explained to them what I do as my daily workout and they seemed thankful.
"If you have any questions I'll be right next to you," I offered.
I started my routine, but I couldn't help think about the attire of the girl next to me. She was a short attractive girl and a little on the chunky side wearing tight pants and a top that showed more cleavage than I usually see at the beach. I mean this girl's top really left little to the imagination. My first thoughts were Corey would fall instantly in love with her.
I was watching the news on the monitor in front of me while the girls chatted away to themselves sometimes asking me questions about the gym. All of a sudden the girl next to me lets out a holler.
I stop my workout and look over and see her stuffing her breast back into her shirt. After my initial shock I turn away trying to at least keep a gentleman's appearance. She did notice that I witnessed the event though.
"I'm sorry," she stated with a red face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sor..."
"Don't worry about it," I said. "Happens to me all the time." As God as my witness I really couldn't think of anything better to say.
After a nervous laugh and rearranging her anatomy to fit her attire she continued her work out. I was kind of surprised by this given the fact that if I inadvertently exposed my penis on the gym floor I'd probably be out of there quicker than boy who stumbled across a NAMBLA convention. Actually I'd just write out checks to the rest of the members to cover their therapy costs.
I look in the mirror in front of me and sure enough her boob popped out again.
"Eh....," I said nervously. "You seem to have a....."
"OH MY GOD," she screamed. I turned away again as she correct her cleavage problem.
"Oh my god I'm so sorry," she said. I turned to look at her and notice her eyes were starting to water. This time her friend was in near hysterics over the whole deal.
"It's okay," I said. "Maybe you should look into wearing a different shirt to the gym." I really have a keen eye for the obvious.
"I will look into that I promise," she said firmly "You won't have to look at my boobs from now on." She did seem to have a sense of humor given the situation.
I really started to feel bad for this girl. I don't have boobs so I have no idea what it's like for this to happen. Then again if I were a female and well gifted in the chest I probably wouldn't wear something like that to the gym.
To my surprise she again continued with her workout. Either this woman is not that shy or she's extremely committed to finishing her training. If you think this is the end of the story well welcome to my blog.
Her boob of course decided to roam free again. She screamed, which again brought all attention to her exposed chest. Her friend finally chimed in.
"Why the hell don't you just change your fucking top," she yelled. "No one here wants to see your tits."
I found this hilarious as I'm sure there were a few guys in there who wouldn't mind that image. Maybe some girls too. Not me of course, cause being the prude I am I hate looking at...yeah...well...I really can't convince myself of finishing that statement, cause I know it's a bald face lie.
The boob girl got frustrated and walked out. Her friend looked at me and shook her head.
"She does this all the time," she stated. "We went to the beach to go tanning over at Alki the other day and she wore this really small bikini that couldn't hold her boobs worth a damn."
Her friend seemed really angry about her companions multiple exposures. I guess I'd be embarrassed if I had a buddy who showed his pee pee a lot.
Actually I did have one in high school. For some reason that guy thought the world would end tomorrow if he didn't publicly expose himself. We were in a department store where they had cameras mounted on television where you could walk by and see yourself on TV. He being the modest dude he was whipped it out in front of the camera and we witnessed his manhood on no less than six different screens.
The rest of us started to bolt out of there while he came running after us screaming "I'm a porn star. I was on TV."
Yeah I digressed a bit. Sorry.
"I would never get a boob job. Those big-titted girls by the hotel poolsides? You just want to spit-shine them." - Juliette Lewis
Aug 1, 2006
"The broadcast (of the cartoon) is unacceptable and we condemn it and consider it to be a kind of provocation. According to Islamic tradition, the presentation of Prophet Mohammed or any other prophet is unacceptable, even if their presentation is not sarcastic but in positive light. The cartoon was even censored in the United States and that is what the local Bosnian television station should have done as well."
He seems to be confusing the Super Best Friends episode, which originally aired years ago and still continues to air with an uncensored image of the prophet, with the more recent Cartoon Wars episodes where Comedy Central decided to censor the image of the Muslim prophet after the riots. Funny how before the Danish cartoon riots they didn't care about parodying the "praised one", but afterwards they take a firm stand on being culturally sensitive. Of course they have no problem with continuing to mock Jesus.
Yes we may have another riot on our hands from people who can't handle having their faith mocked and may resort to extreme violence. Some would argue that because we have free speech doesn't mean we should say certain thing that may incite anger towards us.
I firmly disagree. Religion can and should be mocked. I deal with the mocking of my faith and some of my politics constantly and I accept it even if I don't like it. Why? Cause I'm a civilized person and I realize that religion is viewed largely as an ideology just like politics. Both should be targets for criticisms if only because it can bring about enlightened discussion of them. I'd rather have my faith being ridiculed constantly than to have people be too frightened to speak out.
Living in fear of saying anything that may seem offensive is hardly free expression.
Oh and why does everyone harp on Mel Gibson, which admittedly he deserves it, when the Rev Al Sharpton has made numerous anti-semitic statements? I mean Mel gets on the front page of every newspaper for his drunken antics, but Al gets the honor of speaking at the Democratic National Convention, an invitation to the White House, and the respect of millions. What's worse is Al made his comments sober.
Listed below is a clip of the episode, which I guess means I'm inciting rioters.
"This week, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi told his followers, via the Internet, that Islam is not compatible with democracy." - Linda Chavez
SOUTH PARK EPISODE INFURIATES BOSNIAN MUSLIMS
Well I really don't care about having tan lines considering I don't strut around naked a lot. The only people who see me naked on a regular basis are the guys at the gym locker room and I'll be damned if I'm going to go to great lengths to impress them. Luckily they haven't fled in terror at the site of me unclothed.
A man was arrested today for secretly videotaping naked clients at his tanning salon. Considering how often this happens is my stance on not going to tanning salons really all that crazy? Should I risk having the image of my naked body for the amusement of some desperate middle aged man, who can't seem to get enough nudity from the internet, really worth not having tan lines? Should I be flattered that someone actually enjoys looking at me in the buff?
Eh I think I'll go with the tan lines.
"They built these little tanning booths for Brooke and I to do nothing but lay down and tan all over." - Christopher Atkins
Texas salon owner charged with videotaping customers in tanning booth
May the Lord protect and defend you. May He always shield you from shame. May you come to be. In Israel a shining name.
Now I respect a lot of Mel Gibson's work as a director and actor, but I can't condone this kind of activity. I'm not sure if I should take a stand and not view his movies anymore. Should the acts of the man come before my enjoyment of his art?
At least he didn't drug and anal rape a 13 year old. That sure would end someone's career in Hollywood. I mean who the hell would want to go see a film made by someone who did such an unspeakable act? Oh wait....
"If you have a great passion it seems that the logical thing is to see the fruit of it, and the fruit are children." - Roman Polanski
That being said I loved the film. It frightened me and at the same time gave me hope. It made me laugh, but it did scare me to a large extent.
The presentation Al Gore gave was compelling, but it wasn't his data that scares me. It's the attitude of our collective that gives me worry. I know that no matter how many times Al or anyone presents material of this nature people, at least where I live, will simply pass it off as propaganda or worse ignore it completely.
I was pumping gas a few weeks ago while a guy next to me was filling up his SUV. He then posed a question to me:
"How much does it cost to fill that up?" he asked. I drive a 02 VW GTI which seemed to peak his curiosity.
"Well I use the highest octane, so about 40 bucks," I answered. "It would be about $30 if I chose a lower octane."
"Wow," he said as he shook his head. "You know how much it takes to fill this thing up?"
"I'm guessing $60?"
"Wow," I replied with a sincere look of mild shock. "80 bucks? Is it really worth it?"
"I take it over the pass a lot so I need something good in snow," he stated giving his excuses.
"Yeah but couldn't you get a Subaru or a Volvo that can handle snow well for cheaper?"
"True, but when I drive my family with this thing I know if I get hit we'll all be safe."
"Nothing like piece of mind."
"There sure isn't kid. Have a good day," he said as he climbed into his automotive beast. He drove away with the confidence ensured that he would likely survive a wreck much better than I would and that was all the excuse he needed to justify his environmental and economical demon.
Entire industries are created because of 'piece of mind'. We have our military, insurance, law enforcement, and even psychics, but when will our environment become a factor? Probably when it's too late.
"We must make the rescue of the environment the central organizing principle for civilization." - Al Gore