Aug 28, 2009
- I've been practicing my guitar as much as I can, but my fingers really hurt pressing those strings down. I now understood what Bryan Adams meant when he wrote 'Summer of 69'.
As I told a friend of mine the pain associated with strumming the instrument he then broke out into those lyrics.
"Played it till my fingers bled..."
- The website People of WalMart, which sadly seems to be shut down at the moment, has been passed around more than your mom. While most people think it's hilarious, which I admit it is, it still me horrifying memories of working in an one hour photo lab for them and viewing the pics of folks like those displayed. Just try to imagine the people on that website dropping off pics so foul. Now multiply that by a thousand a week. This is why I'll never be whole.
- There's a guy at the gym who's a very friendly chap who works out there fairly regularly. He's short with curly hair and is fighting the battle of his protruding beer gut, but his personality makes up for his physical shortcomings. Always chatty and making friends with everyone he's just so affable you can't help but like him.
Yesterday he was on the elliptical trainer and I got on the one next to him. I put on my headphones, started the workout, and watched Cash Cab. The gent started shouting out words in German. I looked over at him, but he ignored me as he continued sounding out the language.
After the workout was done I asked him why he was interested in sharing his knowledge of kraut speak with everyone in the gym. He stated he has an online girlfriend in Germany who's coming out to see him and he was listening to tapes to help him speak to her in her native tongue.
Kind of weird having a girl he met on the internet from overseas, but I thought his attempt at learning to converse with her was pretty cool.
- I had a dream I was in Vienna and Rolfe from 'The Sound of Music' walked up to me wearing his brown shirt uniform. We started talking and he said a quote directly from the movie.
"Some people think we ought to be German and they're very angry with those who don't think so."
I told him if the Third Reich annexes Austria that doom would befall the nation and ranted about my negative feelings for the Fuhrer. He did not take this well and attempted a double leg take down. I sprawled and got him in a choke hold. As I was depriving him of oxygen I told him I was going to marry Liesel and in no way was she going to be fucking a Nazi. Before he passed out I let him go and he ran off crying.
- I had a meeting with a coworker who I don't normally interact with. She sat at my cube and looked at the pictures of my nephews and little Maddi. We've talked about kids before and then she looked at me blankly for a while.
"So you really seem to like kids. Why don't you have any of your own?"
I turned towards my monitor and told her that was a good question.
"All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time." - Julie Andrews
Aug 27, 2009
After some discussion we make our way to Guitar Center and I picked up various acoustic guitars playing some chords I was just taught to get a feel for what I wanted. Friend (yes that's his real given name. I'm not kidding) joined us and showed off his skills and gave me some advice. I went way under my original budget for the instrument and was quite happy with my purchase in the end. Corey stated it looked like something Johnny Cash would play, probably because it's black, which is pretty cool.
The three of us go back to Corey's and I learned how to tune and they both showed me other chords. Corey then picked up his guitar.
Corey: This is the first song I learned on my guitar. It'll now be the first for you too.
He shows me three simple chords and I start to pick up on them surprisingly quickly. After a little bit of practice I start to really tune into what Corey and I were playing. We started to sing in unison.
"We both lie silently still in the dead of the night."
Ye gods we were playing Poison.
"Although we both lie close together we feel miles apart inside."
We both started laughing at the fact we're strumming butt rock.
Me: That's actually pretty easy.
Corey: Yep. Three chords. That's all it is.
Me: Wow. I knew they sucked, but seriously..
Corey: ...and Bret Michaels got laid a lot because of those three chords.
Corey: Once you really start getting into it it'll skew your perception of music. You'll find most of it is just compiled of like eight chords.
Me: Damn I wish I was seventeen again. I really got into the wrong business.
Already I'm having loads of fun with it. It's nice to have another daily creative outlet other than this blog. Then again I hope I don't become a pretentious douchebag who'll shout their unsolicited opinions on who's the best guitarist to anyone within ear shot and when a game of Rockband is upon me will grunt and say in a huffy manner "not me. I play real instruments."
"I've had plenty of big hits and plenty of big misses." - Bret Michaels
Aug 26, 2009
Now that he's passed I don't know what to think about his career. His accomplishments, at least the ones people can actually name without searching Wikipedia, are largely over looked by his personal drama. Granted he made some horrible choices in his political life, such as taking on Carter in his bid for President in 1980, but as much as I follow the Senate I can't recall for the life of me much about his career.
Largely overshadowed by the assassinations of his brothers, Ted was the family's last hope to keep the dream of Camelot alive. Sadly for Democrats he didn't seem to have the charm to carry the torch and the incident at Chappaquiddick was something no one was quick to forget. Quite honestly I've never forgiven him for his cowardly actions.
I shared some of his politics, 'some' being the keyword, and I always desired to one day sit and sip some bourbon with him while picking the brain of the last high profile liberal of that era. It was once thought the ideology of RFK would reign true one day, but Ted's passing reminds us that the wave of social concious broke long ago and has slowly crested since Carter.
"A good Senator, but a bad date." - Denis Leary
Aug 25, 2009
1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
2. Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew?
Thankfully I can honestly say I haven't.
3. Where was your profile picture taken?
At a bowling alley.
4. Can you play Guitar Hero?
I think everyone can. How well one can play is a different question.
5. Name someone that made you laugh today.
6. How late did you stay up last night and why?
I can't recall how late I stayed up, but it was past my bedtime.
7. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
8. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
9. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
10. Do you believe ex’s can be friends?
Yeah. I'm friends with a few.
11. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I'm not much of a fan. I dated a girl who loved the soda so much I actually bought her Dr Pepper pajama pants. Seriously.
12. When was the last time you cried really hard?
About a couple months ago.
13. Where are you right now?
14. What bed did you sleep in last night?
15. What was the last thing someone bought for you?
16. Who took your profile picture?
17. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
18. Was yesterday better than today?
Nope. Today is a good day. Didn't have to bring my AK.
19. Can you live a day without TV?
20. Are you mad about anything?
Not right now, but that can change on a dime.
21. Are you upset about anything?
Why even write this question after having someone answer the last one? Seriously.
22. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
I do. As long as I get to see boobies.
23. Are you a bad influence?
I was told I was on many occasions.
24. Night out or night in?
25. What items could you not go without during the day?
26. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
27. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"Aw...thanks...well...I'm going to bed now too....so sweet dreams."
28. How do you feel about your life right now?
Needs more beer and boobies.
29. Do you hate anyone?
Hate's a strong word.
30. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
Emails I'll never let anyone read.
31. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Assuming they don't test for alcohol yes.
32. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
33. What song is stuck in your head?
Head, shoulders, knees, and toes.
34. Someone knocks on your window at 2am, who do you want it to be?
35. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
Oh hell no.
36. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
37. Do you think too much or too little?
38. Do you smile a lot?
39. Who was your last missed call on your Mobile phone?
40. Is there something you always wear?
41. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
In a meeting.
42. Did you have an exciting last weekend?
It was actually. Bought a musical instrument and enjoyed some beer.
43. Have you ever crawled through a window?
More times than I can remember.
44. Have you ever dyed your hair?
45. Are you wearing a necklace?
46. Are you an emotional person?
I can be.
47. What’s something that can always make you feel better?
Reading. Going for a nice drive. Boobs.
48. Will this weekend be a good one?
49. What do you want right now?
50. Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing?
Yes and it was a fun Halloween.
51. Have you ever worked in a food place?
Does a movie theatre count?
52. Whats on your schedule for tomorrow?
53. Does anyone know your facebook password?
No and no one ever will.
"I’d refuse to take the test because everybody should damn well know that my body is a fucking temple!" - WIGSF
Aug 23, 2009
I feel sometimes that these movies may have resonated better had I originally viewed them in my teen years, but some still have their effect. 'Pretty in Pink'; however, did little for me.
It's a cute story about class struggles in high school. Andie plays a lower income daughter of a single father and is cruelly reminded of the fact constantly by who she calls Richie's. Being the butt end of jokes hasn't hardened her though as she's a sweet girl who puts up with the antics of her friend Duckie who vies for her affection in ways that are sometimes vulgar, but always annoying.
Andie is smitten by a Richie named Blane. Why do these movies always have the wealthier gents with such names? No one can be called Steve or Jim. They're always Bart, Rodger, Clint, etc. Anyways Blane is very interested in Andie and takes her on a disastrous date where it's apparent to both that the worlds they live in won't accept each other.
I may take a lot of heat from people in my generation, but this unoriginal piece penned by John Hughes failed to move me on almost every level. While it's obvious this is hardly original even for it's day the script had some of the most unrealistic dialogue heard in teen comedy history, and that's saying a lot.
Still the film has it's merits. Duckie is often times funny, but not as much as one would assume from a sidekick. The dance is a crowd pleaser. Given the writing flaws the performances are quite good and Molly Ringwald is reliable as usual. Harry Dean Stanton is Harry Dean Stanton. I don't think I need to say more. The cast really rises above the material and for that I'm highly impressed.
It's no 'Sixteen Candles', or most of John Hughes work for that matter, but given it's merits I would recommend it slightly. As mentioned before this is not strong material we're dealing with and there is far more entertaining teen comedies from that era. However, given it's flaws it's so good natured that I can understand its appeal.
Thanks to Kelli for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on Erik's Ramblings. Rules are posted here.
"It is perhaps too much to ask that a John Hughes film bear the standard for class warfare in the 1980s, especially when the film was so tone-deaf in depicting its subculture's milieu." - Chris Barsanti
Aug 20, 2009
Usually I purchase things for her garden, but now that there's less lawn than plowed dirt and space is limited. I've pretty much stocked her DVD collection with BBC murder mystery series and Jane Austen films. I'm truly running out of gift ideas to where mom just asks for dinner and drinks.
I think this year I may do something different and get her some music. This can be difficult also as her tastes vary from classical to oldies to obscure opera, but as the sampling below can indicate it will annoy my father to no end. Much like the birthday when I bought her 'Richard Simmons Sweating to the Oldies, The Complete Set', I doubt my dad will be at all happy with this purchase. That my friends is the greatest gift of all.
"When I was told that Elvis Presley wanted to come to my dressing room to say "hi," I thought, "What would Elvis be doing watching my show?" Sure enough, he came back with his whole entourage and the first thing he said was that he enjoyed my singing. For about a half hour, he told me his life story, sort of rambling on; he seemed so lonely. When he was through, he snapped his fingers and he and his entourage left. He seemed like a very lonely man; he just wanted to talk." - Teresa Brewer
Aug 19, 2009
My boss was there and was tasked with coming up with an ice breaker. Usually they consist of 'where was your last vacation' kind of questions, but my manager decided to take a different approach. He decided that everyone would tell their most embarrassing incident that of course could be told in polite society. Afterwards we were to write on a post-it which one we liked best and turn our ballots in to determine a winner.
Him, a colleague, and his boss tell their tales of blush. It was now my turn to broadcast my most embarrassing incident. I couldn't tell them the horn night for obvious reasons, but that's more funny than anything. The night where my friend and I decided to be rock stars or the more recent Rockband playing might suffice, but it's not enough. The middle school play could've worked and although I was there it didn't happen to me and it's pushing the limits of good taste. Of course my bouts with vomiting in public are good, but I don't need to add to the reputation that I drink too much.
The middle school fart story. Oh my. Yes that was the one I chose to tell. It has everything. Young crushes, cute girls, white trash, and farts.
Today I'm talking with my roommate/coworker and I start to tell him about the ice breaker at the meeting the other day. He cut me off.
"The fart story," he said? "That's everywhere now."
Great. Just great.
"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut
Aug 17, 2009
Grilling makes me horny. I'm not sure why. For some reason every time I start to cook beef on a fiery grill I change. I suddenly want to be wearing a loin cloth and have topless women feeding me grapes while I flip meat.
It goes on. For whatever reason I imagine myself staring at the hills of Rome with sword in hand.
'Farewell to treaties, from now on war is our judge.
Hail Caesar. For those who are about to die we salute you!'
Okay maybe the vegetarians are right...or not. Screw them. Beef rules. Candy ass grass eaters.
I shouldn't drink around coworkers.
"Cowards die many times before their actual deaths." - Julius Caesar
Damn it all.
My childhood crush has seemingly forsaken the goodness that is Wiwille and chose to love another. My love for this woman did sprout when I was a wee lad of eight and really never died. Sure my eye did stray a bit with Scarlett, Anne, and Grace, but Alyssa never left my heart.
I followed her career as best I could, from watching Who's the Boss on Tuesdays at 8p PST to Poison Ivy Part 2: Lily, cause clearly enough wasn't said in the first one, but she got all kinds of naked in it. I sat through Double Dragon which made me question if life was worth living. When my ex-girlfriend tuned to Charmed I made fun of her for watching such a show, but I sat down and watched it with her to make it look like I was all being nice and stuff. She knew exactly what I was doing. Yeah my ex is a smart gal.
I actually had this poster, which my parents were kind enough to buy for me, hanging in my room in my young teenage years:
And now my longtime crush has tied the knot, breaking the hearts of many including your author here. See where complying with restraining orders will get you?"I feel a lot healthier when I'm having sex. Physically. I feel all these jitters when I wake up in the morning. Just energy jitters. I take vitamins, I work out every day. When I'm having sex, I don't have that." - Alyssa Milano
Aug 16, 2009
It's hard to imagine the party of Lincoln becoming servants of corporations, but yet it has happened. Claiming they stand for liberty, but at the same time stifling debate, they've become everything they hate. In 2003 the liberals thought it would be a great plan to disturb and scream and shout about the buildup to the Iraq war. Obviously their plan didn't work and conservatives constantly cried foul at the dissent claiming it be senseless and un-patriotic. Of course now they only approve of protests when they happen to agree with the political ideology.
Now I of course strongly endorse dissent, but as conservatives you claim to be better than this. Yet you have let the politics of logic fall by the wayside and have acted nothing better than screaming children. Your goals have become transparent to a lot, but sadly not enough.
I can understand not liking the health care bills set out before us, but that would mean the town hall protesters have actually studied them and understand their contents, which from the ridiculous displays I doubt any have done either. Lets be real here though. The shouting isn't really about the legislation. It's about not liking Obama and decrying socialism at all costs, even though they live under it's benefits and often times actively support it; however unknowingly.
I'm not even going to point out the merits or downfalls of what's actually stated in the bills in question, because they don't seem to matter to anyone. I'm not a former half term governor so my opinion on public policy means little. Nothing I could type here would make any bit of difference to someone who believes that a black man will kill grandma and ration your precious HMO.
From today's news it sounds like the constant badgering by nut cases who are comfortable not thinking for themselves may work. Congratulations. You have continued to set the precedence that extremism and mis-information will rule the day.
"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil." – Sarah Palin
Aug 13, 2009
I was told to look out the window. Outside the packed bar was a young gent with a boom box on his shoulder surrounded by a folks in their early teens who looked like they were recently modeling for the Salvation Army line of clothing. They were engaged in all sorts of boogie to the funky beats that loudly blared out of the stereo.
I go outside and watch the display of these attention whores. My friend commented that they were trying to hard in their clothing choices, no different than Abercrombie junkies, except tighter with their wallets. One guy was pretty funny as when the tape ended he kept dancing for a bit sounding off a few grunts with a "uhhh....uhhh..." Upon realization of the music being done he finally went into correct posture.
It reminded me of a time I was in Portland where I saw a similar incident. It was the early nineties when Nirvana, Soundgarden, and Bell Biv Devoe ruled the charts. There a guy was sharing the joy of 'Rock Steady' with everyone within ear shot. He probably felt that song never gets old. I disagree and made that known to him. He was not amused and truly felt everyone should be reminded that the Whispers are where it's at. You be the judge:
"All the ills of mankind, all the tragic misfortunes that fill the history books, all the political blunders, all the failures of the great leaders have arisen merely from a lack of skill at dancing." - Moliere
Aug 12, 2009
What's fascinating is how often I hear about such loathing for modern media outlets while a lot of the same girls will gladly support the industry. It doesn't make any sense to me at all. It's like hating oil companies and....oh wait...
Well I guess it's dumb to compare the energy industry with something so superfluous as fashion magazines, but you get my point. Since you're reading One Bad Apple you've already proven yourself to be a savvy intellect already.
Kelly Clarkson, who you probably won't remember from American Idol, was recently featured in the magazine pictured above. I know nothing about 'Self', the rag she chose to appear on, or what their mission statement is, but the editors decided that their cover girl was a little too plump. As is common with print media the masters of Photoshop decided to shave a few pounds off the singer digitally.
Of course this happens all the time. When I was a photographer I would cover blemishes of grooms who were covered in pimples due to sticking their face in the cleavage of sweaty strippers the night before. But I digress...
Controversy did arise as many who follow the celebrity noticed that she's much heavier in person than what is portrayed on their magazine. The editors of Self responded to the criticism claiming that they're there to "inspire women to want to be their best".
My ass. They simply couldn't say 'chunky girls don't sell magazines. Women are often more cruel regarding the looks of their gender than men and we accommodate this stupidity to the demands of the market. If girls really wanted to see realistic standards of beauty then we'd hire Lane Bryant models. We simply sell a magazine and readers have...get this...a choice to support us. If you want to see a tubby Kelly Clarkson then we'd give you photos of her bathing in a vat of butter eating cheese cake. Now excuse us while we snort cocaine with hundred dollar bills."
I've said time and time again girls that men, well real men anyways, like girls with some curves. We don't want a woman with the body of a ten year old boy. We don't expect, nor want, you to be perfect. Call me a chubby chaser all you want, but I would so hammer this:
Yes I would disappoint her in ways that would seem almost criminal.
I digress again...
Seriously girls stop buying this trash. You're only doing a disservice to your gender by giving monetary support to this. Let future females be happy with their curves and if you do want to look better put down that Big Mac and hit the gym.
I'm with the prophet Sir Mix A Lot when it comes to the ladies.
"Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. Did we publish an act of fiction? No. Not unless you think all photos are that. But in the sense that Kelly is the picture of confidence, and she truly is, then I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand." - Lucy Danziger, Editor-In-Chief, Self.
Aug 11, 2009
"No," I responded. "Your ex-boyfriend woke me with his gas."
Him and I used to sleep in one room on bunk beds. Not exactly the best of living conditions, but overall it worked as best it could. As studies would indicate everyone releases a certain amount of gas as they are in slumber and my then roommate was no exception. I slept on the top bunk and a few times awoke to an odor I could only recognize as coming from a human anus. Funny thing is he would giggle while semi conscious after the fact.
This conversation lead to scenarios in where significant others have woken me with their gaseousness. Is that a word? Anyways a few times spooning I was knocked awake with the rumble of a fart. One girl I dated for a short while made it quite the habit. When I brought it up to her she apologized for not warning me about her intestinal issues earlier, but I told her not to be sorry as I thought it was hilarious.
After detailing this to a friend she said I got the 'stinky nuts.'
Granted she was not the first girl to do this while asleep, nor the last, but thinking about all the women who have been in such a state of relax that my body was bombarded with gas I wonder if I've ever rudely awoke someone with my own. Hmm....
I need a better diet if I ever plan on getting a girlfriend.
"My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away." - Jenny McCarthy
Aug 10, 2009
A lot of these requests can be graphic to the point you want to take a shower after reading them, but most are typical fare of men wanting to chat and announcing their interest in how she looks. She has come across a new gent who bucked the trend and wrote the following:
"Dear xxxxxx, How are u doing?? I am pleased to had come across your page which i had really appreciated indeed. You have an amazing page which i had really love parading through..I am Sabally, a man of 30 years old and residing in The Gambia which of course The Paradise of Africa. I am 5 feet and 6 Inches tall and black in Complexion...I found it very interesting to write to you as i wanna be a friend of yours because i regards you so nicely and so generous. So how is the weather in there?.I am hoping that my message will meet you in good health, peace and harmony..Have a good day..Sabally X!"
When I first read this I thought it was something along the lines of a Nigerian scam. The internet has hardened me. Note though how polite this gentleman is. Obviously English is not his first language, but even cross cultures no one would regard 5'6 as tall. Maybe he was confused about converting from the metric system.
"I was dating this guy and we would spend all day text messaging each other. And he thought that he could tell that he liked me more because he actually spelt the word 'YOU' and I just put the letter 'U'." - Kelly Osbourne
Aug 6, 2009
Now I know you're thinking that I'm a huge geek for even considering this and you're right.
I discussed this with some friends of mine last night. They asked if I was bringing a date to this, which I might, but even so after much internal debate I think I'd just go to this myself if I can't find anyone to attend. This is John Williams after all.
Feel the geekery:
"I thought Star Wars was too wacky for the general public." - George Lucas
Aug 5, 2009
Sadly I got older and when I revisited shows of my youth I realized how badly they sucked. GI Joe was no exception. I watched the animated movie and even though it's considered the best thing they produced it's still a ball of crap.
Note the intro to the GI Joe animated movie below:
Yes this was the high water mark of the series. Actually this segment is the best they have to offer.
When I walked into the screening of GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra last night I wasn't sure what to expect. Plagued by bad press and all sorts of fan boys crying fowl at costume design and what not, because I guess their precious childhood toy commercials that masqueraded as television programs are sacred, I didn't think I'd be all that thrilled with the execution of this film.
I was wrong. Oh so wrong.
GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is not high brow entertainment by any means; but it is a wonderful tribute to the 80s cartoon as well as a nice piece of popcorn entertainment for those unfamiliar. The plot and cinematography played out exactly like the series, but not in a bad way. Unlike a certain director who shall not be named this movie's creative staff decided to make an action film that was fun and without a hint of being pretentious. It was at times genuinely clever.
Don't get me wrong this is a B level popcorn fare with a huge budget and it was primarily geared toward twelve year olds, but as someone who has had difficulty acting my age it brought out the child in me. I haven't had this much fun at an action film in years, probably mostly due to the fact that the film wasn't asking me to believe anything that was going on could actually happen. It is a fantasy picture and for that I loved it.
After the film my friend told me his parents wouldn't let him watch GI Joe as a kid. I think that's downright un-American.
Oh and the Baroness....yeah I don't think I need to say more.
"If I was 10 years old, GI Joe would be one of the best movies I had ever seen. As a grown up it's one of the better summer movies; a delightfully light, fun and action-packed kick in the ass." - Devin Faraci
Aug 4, 2009
"She's leaving me," he said.
Well....I did ask.
He was on the road detailing the upcoming divorce, his second, and while he wouldn't admit it to me he was holding back every tear he could muster. I did my best to counsel my friend and he said it helped gain some insight into her character and the reasoning for this split, but nothing I could say could make him feel better.
After a long conversation I sit down to my computer. People IM me asking me what's up and I tell them the news of my dear friend. Below are some of the responses:
"Dude. We're 34 and not paying child support or alimony. That's not a bad thing."
"You rethinking your idea of wanting a family one day?"
"So did he ask you to take him to a strip club?"
"Vegas. We need to go to Vegas. I don't want to hear any argument. Vegas."
"Get him drunk. Do what you do best."
Ahhh Vegas. It would be good for him.
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
Aug 2, 2009
"Multitasking," I replied. "It's what I do."
The night before I was sitting at a bar by myself waiting for a coworker to join me. Three pints in the flirty waitresses took pity on my lonesome self and made small talk. While I appreciated their good nature in keeping me company as my friend didn't respond to any of my texts I decided to make my leave. One waitress gave me a hug and wished me a good evening while the other made me promise to come back if I was bored.
I go home and pop online. A girl messaged me on Facebook asking general get to know me questions. Odd I thought as she wasn't listed as a friend, but I messaged her back. After a few exchanges we started chatting. She then asked if I wanted to get some drinks with her next week, but I reminded her that I was free that night. She then told me she was heading to her local watering hole and I was welcome to meet her and play some pool.
What the hell was I doing? I was driving up to meet a strange girl in an area I was largely unfamiliar with about to walk into God knows what. A twinge of fear struck through me, but that quickly passed as I've had crazier ideas. Onward good Christian soldier Wiwille. Onward. What's the worst that could happen?
I find myself asking myself that question a lot.
I arrive to some Asian owned bar. Walking into the place I notice the sweltering heat that hit me like a hammer. It was a small place that was largely unoccupied. Two young girls were sitting at a table and four guys who looked in their mid 40s were seated talking amongst themselves. One of them held an uncanny resemblance to Dr Drew.
The girl I was to meet was playing pool with a some guy. I went up to her and introduced myself. She was short with long blond hair and had a mousy voice that was really cute. A pretty thing she was and had a look that noted she had some tomboyish qualities.
After some small talk she decided to get back to her game. Clearly this girl had skill. She was making shots that were highly impressive as she wiped the floor with her opponent. He took the loss graciously then handed me the cue declaring that I was next up.
I'm no good at pool. It's not a skill that I've mastered in my days, but for whatever reason the God of billiards shined his light on me. She at first claimed I cheated, but then accepted her loss and bought me a drink.
"What is this?" I said as I took a sip.
"It's grape," she replied with giddiness. "It's delicious."
I couldn't tell if she was serious or not, but she gulped hers down with glee. She then proclaimed she'd been drinking since four that afternoon and by her manner of speech I was not surprised. The girl does know how to hold her liquor.
We sat and talked about general likes and dislikes and I found I had more in common with her than originally thought. Although she stated her disdain for all things sushi we enjoyed some good banter. Then her intoxication started to show as she wouldn't finish sentences and her demeanor changed from happy to introspective.
She then brought up online dating and went into a little history of her personal life. Just coming out of a relationship earlier this year she said she really wanted to meet new people, but wasn't interested in just making friends. The girl wanted a child and sport fucking was not for her and she reminded me of this fact numerous times. I asked her if her most recent breakup still stung, but she didn't answer.
The girl rambled on more about wanting kids to other topics such as my feet. For whatever reason she liked my toenails and thought I should get a pedicure. Why almost every woman in my life believes this I'll never understand.
After a couple more drinks it was obvious to me that I wanted to get home. The girl made her desire to see me again known as early as the next day, but I informed her I had plans with a friend to see a play. She asked questions about the gender of my friend and voiced her suspicion of the nature of the friendship. I told her I had nothing to explain, but we could talk again. She gave me a hug and a wet kiss on my neck and asked me to call her.
I asked if she needed a ride home, but she said she could walk there and wasn't comfortable with showing a stranger where she lived. Understood.
The next morning my friend woke me from my slumber and announced we needed to go to the play. I was a bit queasy as the beer and liquor did not mix well, but was relatively ok if not a little hungover. We got into my car and started the trek from Renton to Seattle.
I drive over the hill on I-5 and marvel at the cityscape in front of me. I comment to my friend how I love this stretch of road and she talked about how in her younger years she enjoyed the view of downtown from a ferry.
While she was talking I felt my stomach start to churn. I paid it little mind as we were almost there and getting some fresh air would do some good, but she looked at me and asked if I was ok. I was not.
The substance crept up my esophagus and I covered my mouth quickly. Vomit released into and covered my hand and it was clear I couldn't hold it any longer. Suddenly I find my lap covered in my own puke. After a few more after shocks of my stomach I pull the car onto I-90 and make my way home.
With the air conditioning blowing on me my legs started getting cold while the warm sun kept my face lit. I was horribly embarrassed and my friend was probably a combination of horror and surprise. Here we were about to have a good day enjoying a nice play and it started with me spilling yesterday's food in my vehicle. I felt about six inches tall.
We make it back to my place and I cleaned myself up and laid down. Immediately I fell asleep and awoke a few hours later. I call my friend expressing my profound apologies to her voice mail. I found that she had cleaned my car out before she went to the play...by herself.
Finally I get a hold of her and promised to make it up to her in any way possible. She assured me that I would do that in spades, but thankfully took it all in good humor. We laughed about it as I thought about calling the Vatican and proclaiming that she be nominated as a saint.
Last night I watched the sun set behind the Olympic Mountains and pondered the time I had spent this weekend. As darkness set on the horizon it was clear to me that I'm way too old for this shit.
"One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs." - Josh Billings