Jul 28, 2011

I give up.

At times I want to be a Republican. Who wouldn't want to be a part of the party of Lincoln or Teddy Roosevelt? Even Presidents as corrupt as Nixon drafted and passed some of the most liberal legislation that our current GOP wouldn't touch (OSHA). It may be of little surprise why I wouldn't want to raise the flag of the party who claims the mantle of fiscal responsibility, reasonable foreign policy, and believing in states rights.

Sadly the modern Republican party resembles nothing of it's predecessors and there's no greater example of that than the current economic debate. While I may be romanticizing history a bit, the Congressional conservatives seem in no way interested in doing what's best for the country. Instead they want to use this debt ceiling issue as a chance to attack Obama. You know, it might work.

Let's say the country does go into default as the Republicans are so stubborn about taxes. Sure the blame should be on the GOP Congressional leadership as they can't handle simple economics, but do the majority of Americans know who John Boehner, Mitch McConnel, or Paul Ryan are? The blame will fall at the hands of the President and as voters cast their ballots with their wallet, Obama may be a one termer.

It's a smart strategy if you're a politician with no soul who likes to abuse penguins. Sure the majority of Republicans voted to increase the spending that they're suddenly now against, and they hate any kind of tax increase on their donors. They still want the middle class to take the burden of funding the federal government, for reasons that are obvious. The GOP doesn't seem to give two shits about anything really except defeating the Tea Party's greatest nightmare, what they think is a socialist Kenyan Muslim currently occupying the Oval Office.

'The future of our country be damned' is the battle cry of the Congressional GOP, and we're all going to suffer for their hatred of Obama. There seems to be no compromise in sight, but then again should we compromise with those so willing to wreak havoc on the strength of our dollar? I understand the US is founded on the 'c' word, but haven't we had enough of reasoning with the unreasonable?

"Make no mistake, a 'yes' vote on the Democrats' health care bill is a vote for taxpayer-funded abortions." - John Boehner

Jul 25, 2011


In the wake of the tragedy in Norway strange thoughts entered my brain. When I first heard of the attack I felt the initial shock most experienced, but then I imagined a bugle being played at the Fox News headquarters. Right wingers the world over were wringing their hands with delight as the thought of a brown person wreaking havoc would be a perfect example to use when they denounce liberal immigration policies.

Then a sea of disappointment swept the Tea Partiers as it was revealed the terrorist was indeed a homegrown one and a fan of the same pundits they themselves blindly follow. They didn't have Islam to blame this tragedy and the....

...wait. Why has my opinion of the American right sunk so low? The image I conjured was an unfair characterization. There was no reason to think that way of people who genuinely want a better country for them and their families to live in.

Screw Glenn Beck. I blame him.

"I beg you, look for the words 'social justice' or 'economic justice' on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words." - Glenn Beck

Jul 20, 2011

We now know.

Kelly laid down on the table, showed her belly to the tech, and prepared herself for the question that's been plauging us for months; what is the sex of our yet to be birthed child?

The tech rubbed Kelly's stomach with a device that looks like an old hand held document scanner. We watched the screen with baited breath. Tensions mounted as we eagerly awaited the news.

As the tech started describing the process she referred to the fetus as a 'he'. My heart skipped a few beats, but I was confident that was for lack of a better term. She continued scanning my wife's uterus hoping for a definite sign of what sex our baby is, but I noticed she was taking longer than expected. In my mind it was obviously a girl.

After what seemed like forever the tech confirmed my suspicion. We're having a little baby girl and I for one couldn't be more excited. It finally hit me, I'm going to be a father.

"A man is not complete until he has seen the baby he has made." - Sammy Davis, Jr.

Jul 19, 2011

Toronto part 2

Across the street from the church was a bar, which of course the groomsmen decided it would be a great idea to have one last drink before Russ took the plunge into matrimony. I grabbed my Guinness and others raised their drinks as we toasted the groom and wished him the very best in married life.

The men were looking dapper in their tuxes, the bride and bridesmaids were lovely, the wife was beautiful as always, and so it was time to get our wedding on. The priest informed the congregation that we were to have a reception at a yatch club, but the water it rested on was indeed not the Atlantic Ocean, but in fact, it was Lake Ontario. Kevin leaned over to me and gave thought that the padre just insulted those from Texas. I told him that's exactly what happened.

The wedding was a great affair. During their vows a sudden realization came over me. It was then I knew my yet to be birthed baby is going to have a wonderful childhood and in no small part due to the fact they'll always have their Uncle Russ and Aunt Kristy. I held back a tear as I was grateful to be a part of this family.

The reception was fun as the food was delicious and the drinks were poured liberally. People were making speeches and I decided it would be a good idea to say a few words to the happy couple about how much I'm a better person for knowing them. I think it went well.

Much ado was had, but it was an amazing wedding and I'm so proud to be there. Toronto is a great city and I got to get my drink on in a foreign country without international incident.

I do have a few regrets. I didn't have time to visit my blogger friends; Miss Ash, WIGSF, and Big Ben. Maybe next time as I'd love to go back. Also the DJ didn't have Robin Sparkles "Let's Go To the Mall" in rotation, which is just sad.

"God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!" - Anonymous

Jul 18, 2011


We approached the Canadian border guard and I handed her six passports. She asked me questions regarding the nature of our journey into her country as well as if we had any weapons. I answered as best I could and after some indifferent attitude from her she handed us back our documents and let us be on our way.
I drove from the border straight to Niagara Falls, a sight I had yet to see. Given the time constraints we could only drive by and take a look at Horseshoe Falls and it's sister falls, but it was an impressive sight to behold. I'll make it a point to go back and take in the majesty of North America's most famous waterfall.
I continued the drive up to Toronto while a bit beat. We all had been travelling from Dallas since 5 that morning, which meant I was up at 1:30 am. I had a baseball game to go to that night, so my body was going to be up for over twenty four hours. After experiencing some miserable traffic we finally made it to the hotel. I quickly changed and Ronnie and I took a cab to Roger's stadium to meet with the groom and his buddies.
I don't care for baseball, but the game was a high scoring one that provided a few thrills. The Blue Jays trounced the Yankees, and it's always nice to watch them lose. After the game the boys and I went to a bar that served some fine beer. This made me happy. I drank more than my aching body should have, but I have no regrets.
Friday was a nice touristy day in Toronto, but Saturday was the real treat as I got all dressed in my tux to be a part of my brother in-law's wedding. I got into a limo with the groom and his fellow groomsmen and we were escorted to the Our Lady of Sorrows Catholic Church.
To be continued...

Jul 11, 2011

A cardiac moment.

Saturday was my brother in-law's bachelor party. I informed people back home that we were going to eat at a place called The Heart Attack Grill. As promised I would report the findings.
The ten of us unloaded from the bus that was transporting us around, sans air conditioning sadly. So there we were, a bunch of sweaty, smelly guys entering the establishment, which was a sight in and of itself. We were promptly greeted by a man in a doctors smock and a waitress dressed as a naughty nurse. The hostess gave us hospital gowns to wear and we made our way to the counter.
We were served by a girl who was dressed more modestly as a medical tech. The menu is a simple one as it only offered a few items. They had a Single Bypass burger, with one slab of meat and an option to add five strips of bacon. Next was the Double Bypass burger, with two helpings of beef. This went all the way to the Quadruple Bypass burger, which had four, count em four, slices of cow. This was a vegan nightmare.
It also had steak fries as an option as well as butter fat shakes. Sadly the drink selection was limited as they only had cokes and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. I hadn't had PBR in years and was planning on never consuming one ever again. The rest of the group ordered one, so I figured what the hell. It was as terrible as I remembered. At first sip I wanted to punch a hipster in the face.
I ordered a Single Bypass burger with a side of steak fries. While we awaited our dinner we noticed a large scale back behind the counter. If you could stand it and register that you weighed over 350 lbs you could eat for free. Thankfully none of us qualified.
Some in the party ordered the Double Bypass burger, but I refrained. I can eat, but that was too much even for me. The waitress handed us all our burgers and to my surprise it was far better than I expected. It was actually the best burger I've had in Texas to date. The steak fries were some of the best I've ever had. I had no room for the butter fat shake.
After consumption of said food all of us looked like we had finished a marathon. Everyone slumped in their seats and pondered how many months were taken off their lives by eating that. Still it was a fine burger and the establishment was fun. I may go back for the shake alone.
"Friends don't let friends eat bean sprouts!" - The Heart Attack Grill

Jul 8, 2011

Perry prays

Texas Governor Rick Perry is by all accounts a mindless, but charming politician who's indeed popular with conservatives in this state, for reasons that are obvious. He hates federal spending and claims Texas doesn't need it, except when it's hit with wildfires, or when we benefit from military bases, or guard our coast and Mexican border, or....you get the point.

Governor Perry is holding a Jesus rally in Houston soon, which he believes will help cure our nation's ills. Not that he would have more pressing matters to deal with, but really I care less how he would like people to pray.

One of the events official sponsors is interesting though. Pastor Wagner, a leading evangelical from Colorado, details an interesting story about how the holy spirit told his wife to gather their fellow Christians and burn heathen objects, such as statues of Catholic saints and the Book of Mormon. Below is a list of said idolatry as stated in his book, "Hard-Core Idolatry: Facing the Facts":

"They began mentioning the kinds of material things that might be bringing honor to the spirits of darkness; pictures, statues, Catholic saints, Books of Mormon, pictures of former lovers, pornographic material, fetishes, drugs, Ouija boards, zodiac charms, good luck symbols, crystals for healing, amulets, talismans, tarot cards, witch dolls, voodoo items, love potions, books of magic, totem poles, certain pieces of jewelry, objects of Freemasonry, horoscopes gargoyles, native art, foreign souvenirs, and what have you."

How does one burn a fetish? Where did they get the drugs? What actual evangelical Christian would even have any of these items in their home? Foreign souvenirs? I guess I need to tell the wife to burn that Bahamas fridge magnet as well as that evil totem pole.

Why is it that I have a hard time believing any of this happened?

This is the company that Rick Perry keeps. This is a man who may run for our highest office, because having only one crazy Republican in the race just isn't enough.

"There is hope for America ... and we will find it on our knees." - Rick Perry

The Response

Jul 5, 2011

I see London. I see France.

When one moves into suburbia they expect certain behaviors from their neighbors. As such, some things are to be assumed, whether you desire them or not. For example; we have someone on our street who I'm guessing feels morally opposed to mowing their lawn and would like their yard to resemble a rain forest. I reckon they feel grass has feelings and cutting them with a blade would ensure they never get into heaven.

My next door neighbor has a clothesline and has decided to utilize the hot Texas weather than use a dryer. Whether they really care about going green, saving on their utility bill, or preserving laundry methods from their home country is a mystery to me. I don't mind it being there as I applaud their efforts, but last night it became a nuisance.

I come home to find what seemed to be a pair of stained women's underwear lying in my back yard. It could be the husband's, but that's an image I refuse to have. Whatever force of wind blew said undergarments into my domain must be the product of Satan. My wife put on a glove and delivered the unmentionables back over their fence.

"Half the world does not know the joys of wearing cotton underwear." - Phil Gramm

Jul 1, 2011

Flash mobs that I want to see.

When flash mobs became all the rage many became confused as to why the concept even came to fruition. I mean seriously, who was it that thought showing up at a public place and leading dozens in a choreographed dance would be such a big hit?

Many are entertained with spontaneous street performance, so I guess it's of little surprise that the intertubes are flooded with video evidence of flash mobs. What I'm shocked by is why we haven't seen more politically motivated dancers. I mean how cool would it be to get a group together to suddenly break into song and strut about to "It's Raining Men" at a Tea Party event? Should these motivated attention seekers entertain the masses at a Democratic primary with line dancing to Toby Keith? I, for one, would love to see a bunch of African Americans step in time to "Yankee Doodle Dandy" at a Confederacy celebration.

I guess we could take it a step further and ask a bunch of midg...err...short people to dress as Oompa Loompas and spontaneously dance to a tune reminding children of how not to turn into a giant blueberry. That would be awesome.

My life's goal will be to have a bunch of Indians (dot, not feather) do a Benny Lava flash mob in my neighborhood. I could die afterwards a happy man.

I better stop...

"Actors fall into this trap if they missed being loved for who they really were and not for what they could do - sing, dance, joke about - then they take that as love." - Gene Wilder