Jan 31, 2011

Wiwille will cheat death.

Since I'm a new found resident of the Lone Star state it's time I involve myself with the local politics. Simply voting is not enough, so I'm thinking I may attend a Tea Party rally.

Yes you read that correctly.

Doing a simple search of them there internets you'll find there's numerous organizations in Texas all claiming to be part of the Tea Party movement. Some even are branches of the Constitution Party, which is kind of funny when you think about it. Now you may ask why I would attend such an event as the Tea Partiers (Baggers) are known the country over for their misspelled and often nonsensical protest signs.

Well I'll tell you, I'm not sure what exactly the Tea Party wants. They claim to be all about fiscal responsibility and against federal spending, but are they willing to cut programs such as Medicare, military budgets, or the War on Drugs? They claim to lean toward Libertarian values, but would they give the freedom for same sex couples to marry? Why wasn't there an outcry when the previous President start us in a spiraling deficit? Was it because he was white as so many assume? Why did they seem to like crazy people holding elected office? Do they really believe the founding fathers held really high moral standards?

See these are questions that may be worth exploring, but yet I'm kind of afraid to know the answers. Onward Christian soldier shall be my motto and I shall get to the bottom of this.

"The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it." - Bill Maher

Jan 28, 2011

Wiwille was numb

January 28, 1986 is a day not forgotten by many, but the date has never been ingrained into my conscious. I do recall the events that happened, but the date itself never stuck with me like December 7th or September 11th.

On that day I entered my school and my fifth grade teacher asked us to sit down as she had an important announcement to make. The Challenger shuttle, which for the first time in NASA's short history had a public school teacher on board, never left Earth's atmosphere. She whimpered as she held back tears talking about the tragedy. She then stated that all through the day we would be listening to the radio for further news about the event. Ronald Reagan recorded a message asking for a moment of silence that aired every 20 minutes or so. My educator asked that we stand and hold our hands over our hearts and to keep our mouths shut in respect for the fallen astronauts every time the recording played.

She asked if we had any question, but to her shock there were none. She asked again, the kids looked around at each other, but no one raised their hands. In frustration at our disinterest she went on with the lesson plan with the radio playing in the background. During her instruction the President's message came over the air and she quickly told us to stand and shut up. We did this a few times through out the day, until my classmate Steve finally protested. He made it known that he thought the Challenger disaster was no big deal and that people die of starvation and basic neglect all the time. Our teacher didn't take too kindly to this and harshly reminded him of how he should feel saddened by this event.

I actually kind of agreed with Steve. I use to love books about space and would bury my nose in my NASA childrens' encyclopedia, but I always assumed that reaching out into space was a dangerous one and naively thought this wasn't the first disaster of it's kind. Plus being ordered to do something over and over again in remembrance of anything kind of cheapens it I felt.

I went home and asked my parents questions about the space program and they filled in details of how important events as Sputnik and the first lunar landing really were to the world. Having not been around to witness these historic occasions live my young mind never grasped how everything changed the moment man took his first orbit around the Earth. I watched Regan address the nation via television, and it was quite possibly one of his greatest speeches.

Life went on after Challenger as normal, but as I got older and more educated about recent history I realized how much of a shock it was to the older generation. The space program wasn't just about man's reach beyond the heavens, it also gave them a sense of patriotism whether they knew it or not. Even when missions such as Apollo 13 went terribly the triumph of bringing the men home kept people glued to their black and white televisions praying we never lose someone beyond our atmosphere.

The Challenger explosion came and suddenly man felt small. Not only was the deaths of those seven tragic, but it also reminded us that the race to the stars was still in it's infancy. The thought of anything going wrong was beyond our thoughts when there was a shuttle launch. Sadly those brave astronauts paid a terrible price for attempting to further mankind's knowledge of the universe.

I wish I knew what my parents did earlier that day. Granted I was young and couldn't comprehend some events as well as others, but it kind of pains me to know I didn't, or couldn't grieve immediately.

"The space shuttle is a better and safer rocket than it was before the Challenger accident." - Sally Ride.

Challenger: 25 years later, America's wound still aches

Jan 27, 2011

The Lone Star beer.

When I announced to my friends that I was leaving Washington to make a new life in the Lone Star state they often hit me with the following question:

"Won't you miss the beer?"

Yes the Northwest is known for it's wide selection of fine crafted beers. It's stock full of microbrewerys that serve excellent beverages. Since I can be somewhat of a beer snob, even though I hate that term, I did frown on the idea that I may have to search far and wide for Guinness on tap. When faced with the reality, however; I found that there are many places that accommodate my tastes. Sure Pilsners, which aren't fit for human consumption, dominate the taps around here as they do in most places, but it isn't difficult to find something that is not repulsive.

The Houston Press has posted a map of beer that defines all fifty states. Texas, not surprisingly, has the Shiner brewery as it's shining example of good brew. I will admit the state's largest brewery produces some great products, such as my favorite, the Black Lager. Washington was granted Pyramid, which I would argue is nowhere near the quality of Mac&Jacks or Red Hook, but to each their own. The beer drinking community can't agree on everything.

Note how the northern midwest states on the map enjoy beer that is equivalent to urine. I blame the weather for their enjoyment of things that suck.

"Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer." - Henry Lawson

Jan 26, 2011

Health and politics

I've written about homeopathy before and it's no surprise that I think it's quackery on the level of snake oil. Now when I speak about the practice I mean the classical version of diluting medicine in water to the point where the active ingredient can't be tested present by any scientific method. Some confuse homeopathy with naturopathy, which are completely different. Why homeopathy has been given such a broad definition in today's world is anyone's guess.

CBC's Marketplace ran a special about homeopathy which was quite interesting. They asked homeopathic practitioners and patients about the effectiveness of the remedies who all praised the medicines as a great and inexpensive alternative to western methods. Of course the journalists asked seasoned doctors about the drugs, even going so far as to test the active ingredient in the solutions. As to be expected the findings were nothing other than water.

There was little to be shocked about concerning the report, except the fact that the Canadian health care system supports homeopathy with tax payer dollars. I don't live under a government run health care system, but if I did I would be furious. If someone wants to practice homeopathy so be it, as long as it's on their own dime. The government should not be in the business of supporting remedies that have no more effectiveness than a placebo.

What I learned more from the broadcast is actually the comments on Marketplace's main page. Many were crying foul at the study calling it biased and irresponsible journalism. Most of them were praising homeopathy with anecdotal information and denouncing science in similar fashion to the Vatican shunning Galileo. They did so with almost a religious zeal, because they knew the products they were consuming could not be proven effective, but they wanted to believe so bad that their headaches were cured by drinking water. It reminded me of the anti-vaccine movement. Should I feel bad about writing this, because in a way it feels like attacking someone's faith?

I don't look down on people who employ homeopathy in their daily lives. It would be like blaming the victim of a violent crime. They're being scammed. Still Marketplace interviewed a mother who chose not to give her child a traditional vaccine and instead gave him a homeopathic remedy to fend off measles and the like. That's just dangerous.

I have one question for people who do believe water has memory, would you take a homeopathic form of birth control? Actually if diluting a small amount of ingredients into water is effective than I should be able to place a drop of gasoline into a five gallon drum of H2O and shake it up a thousand times. I could then pour it into my car's gas tank and expect it to run as normal. Would you do that as an experiment?

So I ask this of my Canadian readers, do you feel it's okay that the government supports homeopathy? If so why?

"I do not expect that homeopathy will ever be established as a legitimate form of treatment, but I do expect that it will continue to be popular." - James Randi

Jan 24, 2011

Wiwille's movie reviews part 76.

"Movies cannot be complete donkey shit." Thus sayeth the first rule of my movie reviews. Sadly some have chose to ignore this. Last review was of the miserable dreck that is 'The Human Centipede' and tonight I bring you a film requested by Mattbear, who wanted it done in the same style, real-time babbling.

So I set aside rule number one to accomodate Mattbear's request and the results are below, unedited, for your pleasure, a review of Bitch Slap:

7:31 PM 1/24/2011 Bombshell Pictures is the company responsible for this. The logo has a WWII bomber with a Betty-esque painting on the front of it. I suppose they thought this was clever. I think it's an affront to every veteran bomber who's ever served. Okay that may be a sretch.

7:33 PM 1/24/2011 No credits yet, just a scantily clad bleeding female surrounded by the wreckage of a flaming car, because what else would be appropriate?

7:34 PM 1/24/2011 Interesting. Credits are spliced with 'girl power' films. Yes there is Faster Pussycat Kill Kill.

7:34 PM 1/24/2011 Tootsie? Really?

7:35 PM 1/24/2011 There's something really hilarious about a girl in a swimsuit dancing next to a stove while holding a frying pan and balancing food in it. You had to have been there. Then again maybe it's lucky you're not.

7:35 PM 1/24/2011 Girls in slow motion exiting a vehicle. This movie stars a lot of cleavage.

7:37 PM 1/24/2011 If you're trying to kill someone who resides in a trailer in the middle of a desert, odds are they best be left alone. Their life is more hellish than any kind of torture you can implement.

7:38 PM 1/24/2011 I'm seriously watching a movie that involves three women who are holding a man captive. That man is wearing skimpy underwear with a tiger on the front of it.

7:40 PM 1/24/2011 A flashback already? I'm guessing this is not entirely necessary to the plot.

7:40 PM 1/24/2011 This has some of the worst green screening since The Sound of Thunder.

7:42 PM 1/24/2011 I've done no research for this film besides watching the trailer. Judging by the visuals and the dialogue I think it's either based on a comic book or it's really really awful or both.

7:44 PM 1/24/2011 This is obviously some kind of Russ Meyer tribute, but it doesn't have the quality of any one of his films. I say that without sarcasm.

7:45 PM 1/24/2011 Another flashback. Awe isn't the director cute? He thinks non-linear story telling makes this film more entertaining. I wish I could pat him on the head.

7:46 PM 1/24/2011 I just watched a stripper dressed as a nurse lift the penis of a native African statue.

7:48 PM 1/24/2011 And we have another flashback. This is getting annoying.

7:50 PM 1/24/2011 With all the cleavage and such I know if I were 12 I'd sing the praises of the film as if it were Citizen Kane.

7:51 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh finally some semblance of a plot.

7:53 PM 1/24/2011 It doesn't make me happy that the first bit of nudity I see in this film is of a man's ass.

7:54 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh yes. A cleavage montage. I used to consider myself a man obsessed with breasts, but that's nothing surprising because I'm a straight man. Maybe I'm getting older but seeing women in slow motion all scantily clad doesn't have the effect it used to. Maybe if they started kissing I would enjoy this more.

7:56 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh the clueless cop. He pulls up and sees three women exposing more skin than your average tropical native and doesn't find anything suspicious.

7:58 PM 1/24/2011 Ha. The cops' name is Fuchs. Sounds like 'Fukes', but spelled 'Fuchs'. Oh such comedy not seen since that first Fockers movie.

8:00 PM 1/24/2011 I kind of like the cop. He's not that dumb. I do hope he survives this.

8:02 PM 1/24/2011 Strippers with automatic weapons. This sounds like the perfect strip club for Texas.

8:05 PM 1/24/2011 This movie has everyone a man with no brain and more testosterone than a horny bull could want. Lesbians fighting, cleavage, weapons of all kinds, and...holy shit she just took a jumper cable to the man's testicles. Well at least he didn't do the cliche thing and talk like a chipmunk.

8:08 PM 1/24/2011 Now the three have suddenly no urgency to dig up their treasure before a mobster comes and slaughters them. They decide to have a water fight instead. In slow motion no less. There's more jiggling going on here than a workout session of The Biggest Loser. This kinda makes me happy.

8:10 PM 1/24/2011 For god's sake its' Kevin Sorbo.

8:11 PM 1/24/2011 They seriously said the word 'hiney'. I can only imagine this was written by an eight year old.

8:11 PM 1/24/2011 The corpse they just dug up kind of looks like Kevin Bacon. I have no idea what these three girls are talking about. I know it's supposed to be essential to the plot, but really does this need any story at all?

8:14 PM 1/24/2011 Finally two of the girls are having sex. Well fully clothed sex. Of course this does nothing to advance the plot. I choose not to ask the difficult questions.

8:16 PM 1/24/2011 The third girl is pissed off about being left out of the lesbian activity, mostly because she's in a relationship with one of them. One would think there's only one good solution, but instead she wields a gun. Hell hath no fury like an angry lipstick lesbian who's well versed with handguns.

8:20 PM 1/24/2011 Of course they had to write in an asian lady in a catholic school girl outfit.

8:22 PM 1/24/2011 This is the third time I've heard the phrase 'dry fucking' used instead of 'bull shitting'.

8:23 PM 1/24/2011 I've lost count of how many flashback scenes have taken place. The number of flashback scenes that have been essential to the plot = zero.

8:25 PM 1/24/2011 Hahah. The prison guards say 'inmate 1138'. Yes the screenwriters are a fan of Star Wars, or George Lucas at least. Yes I'm a geek. Sad that was the most amusing thing spoken thus far.

8:26 PM 1/24/2011 It's hard to keep up with just how many fucked up things are taking place in front of me.

8:29 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh the valiant cop shows up to save the day. You know this is unrealistic when a cop says 'drop the weapon' more than twice without unloading into the suspect.

8:30 PM 1/24/2011 The slutty asian woman has a deadly yo-yo. Just let that sink in for a bit.

8:32 PM 1/24/2011 I just noticed that the tough girl's name is Camaro. I once owned a Camaro. When I was in high school the stereotype was that girls that drive Camaros are complete whores. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

8:34 PM 1/24/2011 Awe this cop is a fan of the stripper's work and is explaining how much of a fan he is. She thinks it's sweet that he takes such an interest in seeing her dance around naked. Yeah it's so hard getting guys to like seeing naked women work a pole. The cop knows she has a heart of gold and is appealing to her maternal instincts.

8:37 PM 1/24/2011 The plot is truly unraveling in a manner that you would expect.

8:37 PM 1/24/2011 I'm watching nuns confess to each other. Now there's oral in a confessional. Awe how cute. The tough chick was once a nun who rebelled.

8:40 PM 1/24/2011 Even as a tribute film this sucks. Kill Bill this is not.

8:42 PM 1/24/2011 For as much scantily clad women as there are in this movie, and the fact that it says 'Unrated' in the title, there's surprisingly little nudity.

8:43 PM 1/24/2011 Is this the moment of truth? I can't really tell. Seriously I'm unsure of this movie will be over yet. I'll give the girls this, they fight convincingly. Seriously the fight choreography is really good.

8:46 PM 1/24/2011 The only way this film could appeal to slack jawed men any more is if between fighting and showing off cleavage the women would make sub sandwiches.

8:50 PM 1/24/2011 A German in leiderhosen fighting a woman in a sexy winter bikini on the top of the Alps, this is the scene that is taking place before me and is far sillier than my limited vocabulary can explain.

8:53 PM 1/24/2011 Apparently the moment of truth hasn't happened yet.

8:54 PM 1/24/2011 Awe. Lipstick lesbian dreams of bliss are being shared.

8:54 PM 1/24/2011 I know this movie doesn't take itself seriously in any way, but even this is too much for me. This movie is like the John Woo of bitchploitation cinema, only without the doves.

8:55 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh this might be the moment of truth.

8:56 PM 1/24/2011 One girl just bit another girls vagina. This is a first for cinema I believe.

8:57 PM 1/24/2011 The stripper has as much use in this as Daphne in Scooby Doo.

9:00 PM 1/24/2011 Rape is still disturbing regardless of which gender the participants, willing and otherwise, are.

9:01 PM 1/24/2011 The cop kind of reminds me of a poor man's Bruce Campbell right now.

9:05 PM 1/24/2011 A midget stripper firing an automatic weapon....folks it doesn't get any better than this.

9:08 PM 1/24/2011 This movie has more twists than a Shaymalan film, or all of his films combined. None of which are interesting or surprising.

9:11 PM 1/24/2011 How exactly did she hide that there?

9:12 PM 1/24/2011 It takes a special kind of white trash to design and build a hearse into a muscle car.

9:12 PM 1/24/2011 The last line of this film is 'last one there's a rotten egg'. I'm sure it's referencing something I'm missing, but I don't care. I'm sure there's many references in this film that are in no way interesting.

9:13 PM 1/24/2011 Credits are rolling with images of the lower torsos of women shaking it. It's at least comprehensible.

9:15 PM 1/24/2011 The credits are trying to be clever and are failing.

9:15 PM 1/24/2011 If I were better versed in Russ Meyer films I may enjoy this. Probably not. Wait? This footage at the end credits is all girls showing off in front of web cam. Ok that's kind of funny.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"The latest proof that calculated camp in the form of homage is nearly impossible to pull off." - Ernest Hardy


I was at a family gathering around the holidays and things were going swimmingly. People mingled and caught up while watching football and nothing out of the ordinary happened, until the blessing of the feast. It's tradition in the wife's family that at all family functions all hold hands while the host says a Christian blessing of the meal. This is not unusual as I'm sure all of you have been a part of a similar ritual at some point in your life.

What made this experience different is I was standing next to a family member, who shall go unnamed, and it was announced that we should circle up and hold hands. The man grasped my hand, which again wasn't strange at all, but curiously he interlocked his fingers with mine.

I could hear the Seinfeld bass....

Why he interlocked my fingers is anyone's guess. Does he have a crush on me? Do I tell anyone about this incident? Is he just socially retarded and not well versed in the ways of couples holding hands vs prayer circle hand holding? Is anyone seeing this? If so do they think we're having an affair?

I couldn't wait for the prayer to be over. I almost chimed in and yelled "AMEN" and make a dash to the bathroom to scrub my hands with Lava soap.

"I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't." - Kurt Cobain

Jan 21, 2011

Da Bears

I was at the dentist yesterday when he decided to first engage me in a discussion as he switched the television channel to the network of fair and balanced reporting, the Fox News Channel.


He informed me that Obama will head to the Superbowl, which takes place here in Dal...err...Arlington. He complained how much traffic it would cause making the entire area full of gridlock. I shrugged thinking if the President wants to attend a football game he has that privilege, one I'd take advantage of if I were in that position. I imagine so would my doctor.

He then said he was listening to Rush Limbaugh this morning (oh dear) and the drug addled talk show host told a story of how he went to a Texas Rangers game and left early to beat traffic. He drove into DFW to fly to his home, but air travel was postponed for over four hours, because of some law that states no one can take off for two hours before or after Air Force One takes flight. Rush was then commenting about how selfish Obama is for this reason.

I wanted to comment about how I think the President's sports viewing habits are hardly news worthy for any reason, but I declined as he was about to stick metal tools into my mouth. He seemed like the sort of person who is highly opinionated and was willing to share his beliefs to anyone listening. He wanted a captive audience and my cowardice allotted for it.

As I relayed this story to my wife concerning the news habit of my dentist and how I thought it strange that he assumed I would enjoy Fox News she reminded me that I'm no longer in Seattle. She did go on to think this scenario sounded like something out of a bad Tom Clancy novel, where the President goes to the Super Bowl and terrorists try to attack us in our fair city. This could be an exciting game.

In reality Obama stated he's only interested in going if his hometown team, the Bears, make it past the NFC Championship.

"If the Bears win, I'm going no doubt," - President Obama.

Jan 19, 2011

Wiwille's movie reviews part 75.

It's been over a year since my last movie review, but tonight I finally got the chance to finish one of the last two requests I've received. Still this will be different than any other review I've done as I wrote it in real time. I've even time stamped the comments through the viewing of the film.

What movie could I possibly be referring to? Well it's none other than "The Human Centipede" requested by The Tad. I post this un-edited for your enjoyment or source of mockery. It was actually fun to write, even though the viewing experience was less than pleasant. Let's jump to Wiwille's first ever real time review, what do you say? Beware for there are spoilers.

8:07 PM 1/19/2011 I start up the movie. Something keeps telling me to back out of this review, but I'm loyal. The fonts for the opening credits are what you'd expect from a movie on this budget.

8:08 PM 1/19/2011 Friggin netflix is adjusting to the internet speed.

8:08 PM 1/19/2011 Already starting off creepy. A zombie Lance Hendrickson look alike staring at dog photos.

8:10 PM 1/19/2011 Already our first kill followed by the title. This is the first sequence apparently. Wow, the movie going public will be graced with more high brow cinema.

8:10 PM 1/19/2011 These girls do look like the type you may see at a KMFDM concert.

8:11 PM 1/19/2011 Awe. One's in love. Will the faceless love interest be the hero to these damsels in distress? One may only hope.

8:12 PM 1/19/2011 She seriously asked what a tire blowing out was? This worldly girl was unaware of the sound a flat tire makes? And she asked in that slow bad acting kind of way too. "What....was that?" Truly the mark of a great screenplay.

8:14 PM 1/19/2011 They need to switch to Verizon.

8:14 PM 1/19/2011 Two American girls who travel to Europe and rent a car have no idea how to change a tire, nor make any attempt at doing so.

8:15 PM 1/19/2011 Awe how sweet. A fat perverted German who gets off on speaking in an ungentlemanly fashion to tourists. I bet Mrs Wiwille will be so upset I watched this without her.

8:17 PM 1/19/2011 I know these are fictional characters and all, but ask yourself this readers: If you're faced with a broken down car in the middle of the Black Forest do you a) walk down the road hoping to find help, b) walk into the depth of a forest that you're completley unfamiliar with? If you chose 'b' I forsee in your future a swift removal from the gene pool.

8:20 PM 1/19/2011 They still have yet to check their cell phones for a signal since the fateful moment their car got a flat.

8:21 PM 1/19/2011 Zombie Lance Hendrickson now looks like Stacy Keach after a year of doing meth.

8:21 PM 1/19/2011 Now the girls really look like someone you'd see at a KMFDM concert, except they wear less black.

8:22 PM 1/19/2011 My mother told me never to step into the strange home that's occupied by a German. Those crafty devils are always up to something.

8:23 PM 1/19/2011 Ahh. Netflix goes black, adjusts to bandwith again.

8:24 PM 1/19/2011 Wait, he put roofies in the girls' water? Wouldn't they taste that from the start? Not that I know anything about them....

8:25 PM 1/19/2011 You'd think he'd start with the creepy act after they consumed the water. He was absent the day of 'lure your prey into your secret labratory' in Creepy doctoring 101.

8:26 PM 1/19/2011 I can't tell if this will be just a bad horror film or the start of the greatest porn of all time.

8:27 PM 1/19/2011 So it was roofies!

8:28 PM 1/19/2011 He finds the vein much quicker than any nurse I've ever encountered.

8:29 PM 1/19/2011 So the German hunter is alive after all. That's great. I bet he was hunting hasenpfeffer! I've always wanted an excuse to include the word hasenpfeffer on this blog and now I finally have my chance. Happy day.

8:32 PM 1/19/2011 One has to question why a brilliant, albeit insane, doctor would go through the trouble of burying a body in his backyard. Couldn't he use lye or something? Just seems like a lot of work and a good way to leave evidence behind. We all know the Germans are well versed in body disposal, but do human remains make for good fertilizer or something? I can't believe I'm typing this.

8:36 PM 1/19/2011 He's more thorough in telling his evil plans to his victims than any Bond villian in history.

8:36 PM 1/19/2011 The doctor's mother never told him that you never go ass to mouth (zing).

8:37 PM 1/19/2011 I'm kind of disappointed that the Japanese guy is speaking Japanese. It would be funny to hear German being spoke with an Asian accent. Yes I'm right now that starved for entertainment while watching a movie no less.

8:40 PM 1/19/2011 I blame Bugs Bunny and Hogan's Heroes for the fact that whenever I hear the German language, or English spoken with a German accent, I always think they're plotting something.

8:42 PM 1/19/2011 I'm no master of arms, but wouldn't banging the glass out of a window with the barrel of a rifle seem like a good way to be the recipient of a Darwin Award?

8:45 PM 1/19/2011 The doctor said "game over" for no apparent reason. At least I think it was game over. I can't really tell.

8:47 PM 1/19/2011 My brother in-law's fiance describe this movie as gross. He recommended that I watch this. I now think he hates me. We have tentative plans to go hunting together. This won't end well.

8:49 PM 1/19/2011 I will give it this, the cinematographer's use of color is actually a highlight. No seriously.

8:52 PM 1/19/2011 Due to the magic of Facebook I found out my friend Leif is watching this, because he wants to.

8:55 PM 1/19/2011 For the love of all that is holy and good the big reveal shot is now upon me. The doctor is now examining his work. I wonder why he put the Japanese guy at the front. He was the one screaming the most. I bet the actresses fired their agents immediately after this shoot. I hope they got paid a lot of money having their face buried in another person's ass.

8:59 PM 1/19/2011 Until right now I used to consider myself someone with a pretty strong constitution when it comes to things of this nature.

9:01 PM 1/19/2011 See Heir doctor, you could've had a much easier time breaking through the language barrier if you put one of the girls up front. You're not so smart after all.

9:03 PM 1/19/2011 I'm saddened to report that right now is the best line delivery the actresses have yet to display.

9:05 PM 1/19/2011 When I first heard the concept of this film I figured the doctor would do something cool like fuse together all three of their central nervous systems.

9:12 PM 1/19/2011 Does every bad horror movie have an inevitable villain meets cops scene? And do the cops always seem suspicious. but never act on their better instinct? Yes you say? Oh.

9:15 PM 1/19/2011 My personal hell will be the eternal screams of German people.

9:20 PM 1/19/2011 I'm unsure as to what has just transpired.

9:21 PM 1/19/2011 The Japanese guy rocks, but is poorly trained in how to kill someone using only your teeth.

9:22 PM 1/19/2011 I just realized that I have no idea what the characters' names are. I'm naming the girl in the middle Olga.

9:23 PM 1/19/2011 So this is what the whole torture porn genre is all about.

9:24 PM 1/19/2011 Finally a moment of suspense, but what I'm really upset about is that I'm watching this absurd film and it doesn't have any gratuitous nudity that can in any way be viewed as hot. If you do think the nudity in this film turns you on in any manner then I hope to never meet you under any circumstance.

9:26 PM 1/19/2011 Never bring a shard of glass to a scalpel fight.

9:28 PM 1/19/2011 I have no idea what the Japanese guy is going on about. He seems to be waxing philo...holy hell he's no longer with us. Didn't see that coming. Poor bastard, but actually I'd want to off myself if I was part of this production as well.

9:31 PM 1/19/2011 Has the torture porn genre always been this devoid of scares? Is it sad that I kind of wish the cops would start goose stepping around the doctor's place?

9:33 PM 1/19/2011 See Japanese guy. If you only held on to hope and not offed yourself you could be walking amongst the living and the girls may have given you a sympathy BJ. Girls with no teeth no less. But no you had to be selfish and stick glass directly into your throat. Now Olga and her friend are dying and it's all your damn fault. You will go down in history as the man who died with a girl's mouth sewed to his ass. Well done you.

9:36 PM 1/19/2011 Credits rolling. I'm exhausted. I make a mental list of everyone involved in this. I want to fight them.

9:39 PM 1/19/2011 Credits are done. It should come as no surprise to you that I hated it, but what is a shock is how boring it was. Really after the big reveal little happened that doesn't in almost every other horror, sans the feces eating.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"There are terrible movies and there are loathsome movies. And then there's that rare breed so idiotic, exploitative and sickening one wishes they could be scrubbed from memory." - Michael Ordona.

Husband speak

Still being a newlywed I'm constantly learning the ropes of how to maintain a healthy relationship with my wife. As any married person will tell you communication is key, but what they sometimes fail to mention is that talking is only a small part of it. To have a happy home you must learn the language you're not familiar with and that is the linguistics of modern American females.

In high school and college we're encouraged to learn a second language, but no one offers academic achievements for trying to understand the language of the fairer sex. We can learn Ebonics and other dialects of every region of our country, but boys are never given the keys to a happy life, which is how to interpret how women talk.

Well boys I'm here to help. Below is a translation guide for all who may be confused by the words women speak that may not fit their mannerisms. Pay attention class, for this is important.

Her: Are you wearing that? - Now the simple answer is yes, you are indeed donning the attire she obviously sees in front of her. This response is not the correct one. You are to simply say, "Why no honey I was just about to change into an outfit that you will kindly pick out for me, because you know what looks good on me." Bonus points for saying, "I know I'll love whatever you pick."

Her: Are you going to play video games/watch football/play guitar/watch movies all day? - To reply that it was your plan to veg out on the couch for the entirety of a weekend day will normally result in her rescheduling your activities and you may find yourself doing chores you absolutely hate. The only good response to this is, "Babe, I was just going to catch the last few minutes of the game/play this one level/spend a few minutes strumming/watch the first half hour of this movie. Then I'm going to (insert chore you least hate here) and then maybe we can sit and watch something together."

Her: Does this make me look fat? - My friend Walt said there was only one correct response to this. When your wife asks you this horrible question simply look her up and down, grab her, proclaim she's never looked sexier, and try to manhandle her in ways that would make Caligula blush. You'll never hear that question again.

Her: Do you think she's pretty? - Sometimes it's appropriate to say yes, because women know when you're lying, but always follow that up with, "not as beautiful as you." If she's asking about one of your exes always, and I mean always say, "Honey, all my exes are fat ugly whores who live as trolls under a bridge."

There is however; some learning needed to be done for women when trying to understand their husbands. Since I'm all about equality I shall help the dear lasses that read this blog:

Him: I'm fine. - Normally this is true, but on occasion his demeanor will look less than pleasant. This usually means he couldn't get the pick fucking lawn mower to start and the jackass peon at the shop wasn't any help and he's pissed that he has to spend another $60 for parts to fix the friggin choke and would like to smash the manufacturers testicles with a ball peen hammer and would rather not share his murderous thoughts.

Him: Yes honey I'd love to watch your favorite television shows tonight. I can never get enough of Sex and the City. - He'd rather have a mixture of rubbing alcohol and ox diarrhea poured directly into his eyes.

"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never." - Jack Benny

Jan 17, 2011

Compared to a fruit

As I've written about before, a friend of mine meets people through a Facebook application, one I'm largely unfamiliar with. To be expected she gets messages from lonely men who declare their affections for her, but none of them have ever met her nor have never had any kind of written exchange with my friend. It's telling of the mental state of people who have a difficult time dating. Let's take a look at a recent message she received:

How are u doing today? This is john willams.46 A single dad I was going through Profiles and picks on here I must confess I got Attracted by the smiles on you face but Your Beauty has shocking my heart I really cant stop starring at you ,I must confess I am not here flattering you I am serious I will love to know more about you ,If you really don?t mind can you tell me more about yourself what is it you like and dislike and ?I will love to know for my heartaches to know you Beautiful apple I will be honored to read from you soon You could also write on my yahoo or probably have a chat with me on my yah00 IM?.Really cant wait to get hearing from you soon .

Now one would assume that English is not his first language, but with a name like John Williams it's hard to imagine that he doesn't have a grasp of his native tongue. I'm still trying to figure out why the man used 'beautiful apple' as a term of endearment. Since so many guys seem prone to sending messages of this nature out of the blue I'm curious if any one of them have found a woman willing to respond and take their affectionate message to heart. There's someone for everyone I'm told.

Editors note: My friend is not using the application to look for love.

"Good-looking individuals are treated better than homely ones in virtually every social situation, from dating to trial by jury." - Martha Beck

Jan 14, 2011

Geek help

I was hanging with some friends last night when the eldest son announced he had an Xbox 360. The little tyke was excited, because he had Batman Arkam Asylum. I thought this a little strange as the game is a bit dark, but it's a good one and posed a bit challenging for the child. I told him I played and beat the game so he asked for some assistance.

Let's turn the clock back to when I was but a wee Wiwille. My parents purchased a Coleco Vision for me for Christmas, which came with a Donkey Kong port. My father and I played the game, to which he sucked. I'm talking a big barrel (pun intended) of suckage. After I went to bed he continued to play hoping he could practice enough to champion me in the morning. He woke me at some unholy hour and before I got a chance to eat my Cream of Wheat he offered up a challenge. His hours practicing that night amounted to nothing as I easily skilled him in the ways of Mario. That was the end of my father's career as a gamer.

Now the tables have been turned. I assisted the kid in figuring out the puzzles and moves. My wife commented about how I spend a lot of time playing games, to which the young one was excited he had a video game mentor. It's a difficult one so he passed the controller to me when things presented a challenge. It was actually kind of fun.

The clock winded to a late hour and the wife and I made our leave. The youngest son said goodbye in a Nazi salute. Sure the kid probably had no idea what it meant, but it struck me as shocking. I'm sure he was not versed in the activities of brown shirts nor the Hitler youth which made it a bit comical as well as disturbing.

I didn't salute back.

"I hope they make a video game of me. At least I wouldn't have any cellulite then." - Scarlett Johansson

Jan 12, 2011

Wiwille knows better

Inspired by Mattbear, who needs to blog more, I decided to post some trivia questions on Facebook and have my friends give their answers. It was fun for me and people seemed to enjoy it. Elizab decided to do the same and the three of us made a game out of it. Some of the answers were indeed comical, even if it wasn't their intention.

Last night I posed the question as to who was the first US President that didn't use a Bible when taking the oath of office. The answers I got were a bit interesting. Let's take a look at them shall we?

First we have my cousin: Either Obama, or no one...they all have.

I'm not sure why she felt so authoritative that all US Presidents have employed the good book in the oath, but it gets better.

My wife's coworker chimed in with this gem: obama - he hates Jesus

I'm uncertain as to why he feels our current President feels loathsome towards the Lord and Savior, but I reminded him that Obama used Lincoln's bible at his inauguration. He responded in kind:

Typical polotician. A hypocrite. He openly bashes the Bible during his campaign, yet he has the nerve to actually touch one (but just for show). Surely it was the first and last time he'll ever be that close to a Bible. Worst president ever - he'll burn in hell... mark my words

Wow. At first I thought it was a joke, but one can never tell. There's a lot of hatred towards Obama lately for reasons I don't really understand. I've never known our President to openly bash the bible during his campaign and as I understood it he was an avid church goer. Perhaps I wasn't paying attention well enough as the religious affiliation of anyone elected to public office matters very little to me. Still the commenter in question is a good guy, politics be damned.

Another friend chimed in with this amusing piece:

If it wasn't Jefferson or Adams, then it was probably Teddy Roosevelt. You know... the greatest Republican president that conservatives ignore. Started the FDA, government regulation of railroads, national parks. He even considered a national health plan.

Yes my friend decided to take a stab at the modern conservative movement while giving an honest answer. I thought it was amusing as I too am stumped as to why the current GOP leadership and their Tea Party brethren don't seem to like, or mention at all, my favorite President, Theodore Roosevelt. If one would like to see a politician who doesn't tow the party line you need not look further.

He's right in the fact that Theodore Roosevelt didn't take the oath of office with a Bible after McKinley died. He did for his second term; however.

My old boss was taken aback at all the Obama hate and particularly at the comment my friend made regarding his eligibility into heaven. She decided to voice her displeasure publicly:

Hey Eric (Editor's note: the incorrect spelling of my name), surely this **** dude is no friend of yours...very scary!!!

While I can understand how his comment would raise an eyebrow, especially when you consider how my former employer is a staunch liberal, the public lashing of my friend's political views seemed a bit much, especially in that context. I defended him stating he is a good guy, which is true. I've never engaged with him politically or religiously for that matter as I normally don't with my new found Texas friends. Still he's one of the nicest people I've met since I've moved here and will vouch for his character.

The boss replied stating that she trusts my judgement, which is a mistake, but still made it clear that his comment scared her. I let it go, but the wife chimed in further defending the qualities of her colleague and our friend in a tactful manner.

I should've known better than to think that the answers to the question would be all reasonable. Some take politics and religion very personally, a fact I've yet to really comprehend why. I enjoy a good debate and often times find myself at the wrong end of the spectrum, but to simply ask a question to bring about facts really brought out the colors of a few.

It's Facebook though, a stupid social networking site that can hardly be expected to be the appropriate forum for reasoned debate.

What's funny about this is that the answer I gave was John Quincy Adams, but my friend Alec pointed out that I may be wrong in this. Apparently there's little evidence that Jefferson and Adams Sr swore on a Bible. They may have, but history is not clear on this and may be the result of heresay.

John Quincy Adams reportedly laid his hand on a book of laws, claiming he wanted to keep religion and the office of the Presidency separate, even though he was a Christian. Funny how that act wouldn't sit well with the Evangelical community today, but he was right in doing so.

"The highest glory of the American Revolution was this: it connected in one indissoluble bond the principles of civil government with the principles of Christianity." - John Quincy Adams

Jan 11, 2011

Attention whoring: Geek style

Over a year ago I wrote about a Real Life Super Hero (RLSH) that patrolled the streets of Seattle. In the post I chronicled how my friends and I came across his secret identity and expressed my willingness to expose the jackass if his actions caused any harm to the community. Thankfully Mr Ravenblade, the RLSH in question, has behaved himself.

Now there's a new man who calls himself a super hero that's roaming about town and taking things to a whole new level. Phoenix Jones is garnering a lot of media attention with his antics of costumed crime fighting and he seems to enjoy his relationship with the press. He and his Rain City Superheroes dress up as their comic book fantasies and go out on the streets armed with non-lethal weapons and claim to stop illegal activity. His ilk have been featured in Seattle media as well as Good Morning America.

Phoenix claims to have martial arts training, which he believes gives him an edge on criminals. Believing you're well trained to protect people who haven't asked for it may get someone hurt. Delusional as he may be people are paying attention to him and he hypes himself as much as humanly possible. This is where the real danger kicks in.

If Phoenix and his like really wanted to help the citizens of Seattle there's much more productive ways of doing so. Grab a ladle at a soup kitchen, become a cop, help build homes of the under privileged, volunteer at a hospital, join the Peace Corps, sign up with the National Guard, or simply stop wearing homoerotic clothing while claiming you're a hero. Claiming that title is narcissism of the highest order and screw anyone who does so. You earn the right to be called a hero. Have some humility and stop being an attention whore.

Mr Ravenblade seems displeased with Phoenix Jones for reasons that I can only assume as jealousy, but who know. He's asked Jones to be his mentee publicly, but so far there's been no response that I'm aware of. It's a funny read, in a train wreck kind of way.

Seattle is a wonderful city, but as all urban areas it does have issues. We should be teaching the younger generation that giving back to the community is a worthwhile effort regardless if you're recognized for it or not. There are many good people in the Puget Sound area who give much, but sadly dumb asses who dress in costumes who can possibly put lives at risk are the ones garnering the attention they in no way deserve.

"I don’t stand by and watch things happen that are wrong. When I see it I fix it. Does that make me crazy?” - Phoenix Jones

Police Tell Phoenix Jones To Stop After Nose Broken

Jan 10, 2011


The tragedy of the shooting in Arizona had led to various members of the media and government scrambling to make sense of the senseless. Sheriff Clarence Dupnik has placed blame on the vile political rhetoric that has ensued in our nation's discourse. MSNBC's Keith Olberman did the same calling all pundits, politicians, and anyone who reaches a broad audience to keep all comments civil regarding any civic servant.

I can't condemn the thoughts of those who wish our democratic process to be a civilized one, but why now? Why does our call to civility have to happen only when tragedy strikes? Have we learned so little about our nation's history? I applaud those who do attempt to bring the message of reasoned discourse, but does it ring hollow amongst the mentally ill?

Sadly there will always be hate fueld speech in our politics as some people won't accept that the majority doesn't agree with them. We're all guilty of it. We've fantasized about ending the careers of those we disagree with in fashions we should all feel ashamed of. The American public are like children when it comes to democracy. We'll stomp our feet and bitch and even wish harm upon those who won't let us live and consume in a manner we'd like. So stop your pansy whining and grow up.

Hopes and prayers go to all the victims of the senseless tragedy that happened in Tuscon. I wish a speedy recovery for those injured.

"For example, we're on Sarah Palin's targeted list, but the thing is, that the way that she has it depicted has the crosshairs of a gun sight over our district. When people do that, they have to realize that there are consequences to that action," - Gabrielle Giffords

Jan 7, 2011


I try not to get emotional when it comes to politics. I realize that deep down all Americans, well at least most, want the same thing. We desire to live in a clean, prosperous country without fear of crime or corruption. A lot of us have different methods of achieving that goal, to which is no surprise. Many have died in an ugly war due to the fact our nation could not compromise on liberties, but as the United States matured we learned to keep our discourse at a more civil level for the most part.

Then came that fateful day when a black democrat was elected President. In the aftermath of an exciting, history changing time for many came the birth of the Tea Party movement. Why they exist is a mystery to me, but their goals are clear. They pride themselves on liberty, low taxes, no socialism, and electing crazy people to seats of power.

Enter Michele Bachman. I need not tell you how nuts this person is as you're probably well aware, but she's a favorite amongst the intellectually vapid wing of the GOP. I always thought of her as a harmless representative who wields no real influence amongst the House. Yesterday that all changed.

Now that Bohener has been given the gavel to swing as Speaker of the House he's tapped Bachmann as a member of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. This is the same person who cries all sorts of conspiracies without showing any facts, such as Iran's partitioning of Iraq for a terrorist haven, to oversee CIA operations and policy.

When I heard the news I started to weep internally for America. The Tea Party has now shown they are a force to be reckoned with, no matter how stupid they may be. Sure they can walk around displaying misspelled signs that make little to no sense, but they're angry. About why it took Obama's election to channel their rage is purely speculative, but they're organized none the less. They're also dangerously dumb and if they're unchallenged for much longer our country will suffer greatly.

“Normalization (of gayness) through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of “The Lion King” for instance, and a teacher might say, “Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?” The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.” - Michele Bachmann

Rep. Bachmann lands post on intelligence committee

Jan 6, 2011


My daily commute can be a bit of a chore as the on ramp from 121 to I-35W is always a packed affair. Traffic slows to a crawl and two lanes merge into one on the long stretch onto the freeway. After finally merging on to the interstate people suddenly decide to hit their accelerator and travel at an acceptable pace.

There are those who don't seem happy with the idea of zipper merging, when two lanes become one. Such is the case I experienced yesterday. I drove in the right lane on the on ramp ready to take my place in the long slow line of those wishing to enter the freeway at a reasonable speed, but the trucker next to me was not having it. The driver of the two trailer semi was tailgating the car in front of him and wasn't about to let me enter the precious space of road he was occupying. I bopped my head to the beat of my turn signal, accelerating and braking, hoping that there was a bit of concrete I could occupy.

My efforts failed as the pig fucker decided to run me into the shoulder. There I drove in a non-lane, wondering what the problem was with the truck driver as he showed me little courtesy. This went on for quite a spell until the driver in front of him turned, looked at me, and waved me in front of him as he slammed his brakes forcing the trucker to do the same. I waved back as I moved my car into an actual lane.

All of us finally merge onto I-35W and it was apparent that the trucker needed to get off the freeway and onto the George Bush Turnpike. Yes I commute everyday on a freeway named after my least favorite Republican dynasty. But I digress...

The merciful driver who let me in pulled along side of me and looked at me with a smile. We both knew what each other was thinking. The trucker, who was still behind us, was making lane changes trying to edge in front of us. We would not have this. Both I and the car matched speed and ensured the wife beating meth head would have to travel at a pace unsuitable for god and man. He kept changing lanes behind us, giving us both the finger. I smiled in my rear view mirror and waved, which only further agitated the jackass.

All of us finally merge onto George Bush and both the car and I made life a bit more miserable for the trucker. He finally got off the nearest off ramp he could. I smiled and wave to the driver of the karmic vehicle and he waved back. We both felt happy about our actions.

"I'm an awful driver. I'm not going to lie about it. I'm not a good driver. I tried for a long time to pretend that I was. There's a lot of road rage and a lot of times it's directed at something I've done on the road." - Kristen Bell

Jan 4, 2011


A co-worker of mine is a talented sort who in his spare time enjoys creating works of art on his colleagues white boards. He's created numerous pieces which never fail to impress even the most cynical. He kindly offered to take my unused board and draw a vintage Star Wars poster on it. I came to work yesterday to find it completed and the results are indeed extraordinary.

So yesterday I posted the fine work on this blog. My friend Leif, who happens to be a Star Wars fan as well, thought it was very cool and decided to submit the link to Reddit. He did ask that I submit a picture that shows some background, for some may call it as fake. I didn't see the point as I thought why someone would claim that I purposely hyped up another persons work. I mean if I said that I myself drew it then one would have a point.

I'm largely unfamiliar with Reddit, but it seemed the majority of people who viewed it tended to like the drawing and it's not hard to see why. As my friend Alec stated, the artist truly missed his calling. Oddly enough the commenters on the Reddit post seemed a bit cynical about it and if this was indeed on a white board. Let's take a look at some of the said comments:

"No way.

No way, nuh uh, no how.

On a white board? That depth of colour and consistency?

I don't believe it. I'd like to see far better photos of it, including angle shots and context shots of the cube wall and people and all that. If it's that awesome, you'd think he'd have them." - KirbyG

Yes KirbyG I didn't think to take angle shots or any context pics to prove to them there internets about the legitamcy of an artist's recreation of a Star Wars poster. Actually the original pic isn't mine at all. I know you probably have the talent of Dali and are skeptical of anyone having such awesomeness as yourself.

"Is that really the same kind of whiteboard I'm thinking of? Usually, when you try to colour things on whiteboards, you get those weird lines from the marker itself wiping away the previous ink drawn.

The blacks in that picture just look too consistent." - SgtFish

I only know one person in my entire life who's familiar with white board art, so I'm confused as to why the blacks look consistent.

"this pic is a bit suspicious, how about a pic showing more context" - Petrarch1603

You wish, my command.

"That looks like a scan of a book/poster??? not a whiteboard drawing..." - mpower87

Riddle me this genius: If it were a scan why would someone put their name under the words "Poster Art Replication by"?

"This looks like a big pile of liar's shit." - trestle_mania

It's hard to argue that iron clad logic, especially when it comes from the likes of one with such a clever name, but I don't get why I would lie about someone else's work. Again it just seems silly, but this is the internet, the land where birthers, truthers, and those who will not accept that we walked the moon are free to roam. Trolls are also just the inevitable afterbirth of the World Wide Web.

I really have little to gain personally from proving that this white board creation actually exists in the demanding context that a few Reddit commenters want, but in honor of the artist who did such an amazing job I'll post the below pic. I'm certain there will be some who will delve into jackassery and claim that I took a scan and wrapped it on my white board so my co-worker could have his 15 minutes of internet fame and somehow blame the whole conspiracy on Obama, who has yet to prove he's not a Satan worshiping Kenyan who spends most of his days getting lap dances from midget amputees while sitting on a port-a-potty.

For the skeptics:

"Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything." - Chuck Klosterman

Jan 3, 2011


As most of you are fully aware I'm a geek. For whatever reason my wife, who's way out of my league in the looks department, took pity on someone who owns a Star Wars Monopoly game and a R2-D2 phone and for whatever reason thought I was marriage material. I try not to annoy her with my dorkdom, but sometimes it's difficult.

A while back we were walking through Costco, a place I usually loathe to shop at, and found a R2-D2 toy that responds to voice commands and an AT-AT that resembled the one I had in my youth. She was on the phone talking with her friend as I exclaimed my excitement that one day I may get to purchase these for my child. She shook her head at me, which was to be expected.

This morning I come to work and found my co-worker, who's an artist of sorts, drew the below on my white board. Yes I'm proud.

"Leia follows me like a vague smell." - Carrie Fisher