May 30, 2006

What the hell is wrong with them?

In news that makes me so sick I had to fart a group of Dutch pedophiles are creating their own political party demanding representation in parliment. The Charity, Freedom and Diversity party are adovcating dropping the age of sexual consent from 16 to 12, then abolishing it altogether. They also want child porn legal as well as bestiality. The farm in Enumclaw WA is unavailable for comment.

The party is seeking legalization for everyone to be able to walk around in public naked. While this may seem cool to some I don't want to have to explain to a child why the 360 lb man decided to mow his lawn without pants, nor do I want to have to pay for the kid's therapy. Call me a prude, but I don't want to go produce shopping while witnessing a bunch of hairy naked people browsing through the lettuce.

"A ban just makes children curious," says Ad van den Berg, one of the party's founders. No ban made me curious about sex as a child. Boobies did. If any governement bans them there will be hell to pay.

The Netherlands has always taken a libertarian stance on issues ranging from drugs to prostitution; however this is just fucking wrong. If you have any desire to have sex with someone who is twelve, please seek help. Better yet just kill yourself.

"There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch." - Nigel Powers, Goldmember.

Pedophiles to launch political party

May 29, 2006

Batgirl is now into the ladies. Wonder Woman to come out of closet soon, hopefully.

In news that is interesting to nobody who reads this blog except for Ryon and Jeff, DC comics, who own the license for such superhero icons as Batman and Superman, have created a new Batgirl, uh make that Batwoman, who'll be a lesbian socialite by day and a crime fighting heroine by night. Yes the famed Dark Knight sidekick will now be kicking the living hell out of criminals in revealing outfits as well as owning a huge collection of Melissa Ethridge albums. Keeping with superhero anatomy I imagine she'll have breasts larger than her head.

I'm not a big fan of comic books, but if Wonder Woman and her hook up I'll definitely pick up a copy. This is not the first time a major comic book character came out as Northstar chimed the words "I am gay" after he beat up three men who were running around beating up homosexuals.

"The fundament of a superhero is the guy in tights saving innocent people from bad things. It's amazing how infrequently that seems to happen in superhero comics these days." - Frank Miller

New look for some superheroes

Doe, a deer, a poor ass deer.

This Memorial Day weekend promised to be a memorable one as Corey, Quoc, and I went to a drop zone on Saturday with the intention to jump out of an airplane. Quoc and Corey have never done this activity before and were nervous as hell about it, but we went through training without a hitch. The weather wouldn't accommodate us jumping; however, so we rescheduled the jump for another date. I'm really bummed that we couldn't take the plunge that day as I was really excited to jump again. Oh well.

Later that night Joe, Kris, and I watched the UFC 60 and witnessed the legendary Royce Gracie getting pounded by Matt Hughes in the first round. How the once mighty have fallen.

Paris Hilton was in attendance at the event. When the camera focused on her the entire crowd booed her. She tried to clap, but you could tell she was upset by the complete lack of respect for the whore socialite. And who says fight fans have no taste?

The next day I headed out to Leavenworth to meet the Pretty Girl and some friends. The long drive was really dull and I found myself pretty bored. After spending a couple hours on the road by myself I started to wish something exciting would happen. Be careful what you...

I was on 97 going up a long steep hill when I witnessed the car in front of me hit the ass end of a deer. The deer launched into oncoming traffic and the battered SUV steered off the road into a huge rock. I being the good samaritan, i.e. dumbass, pulled over to see if the guy was alright. I don't think he had his seatbelt on as his nose was bleeding profusely. I grabbed a shirt from his backseat and had him use it to help contain the rush of blood. He stepped out of the car and started complaining about his shoulder. I looked at it and it seemed to be dislocated. Being the highly trained practitioner in the art of anatomy that I am I tried to set it back which didn't go well at all. Me doing on site medical attention is sort of like a midget playing in the NBA.. I think I actually made it worse as the injured man figured God had a sick sense of humor sending me to help him.

I tried to call an ambulance, but we were out in the middle of nowhere and I was getting no signal from my cell phone. Luckily a guy there had a CB and radioed in for help. I stayed with the poor bastard until the ambulance arrived while the CB guy and his buddy pulled the deer off the road. I guess it didn't survive the hit. The SUV didn't look all the good either as the front end was smashed up to hell.

Thankfully the rest of the weekend went swimmingly.

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." - Ellen DeGeneres

May 26, 2006

Wow you mean an artist is eccentric?

I've been reading a few blogs and reviews that seem pretty pleased with the underwhelming box office showing of Mission Impossible 3. A lot of people are happy that Tom Cruise is receiving less money than he normally would, because they can't get over him being a Scientologist and mildly insane. It's if they feel that somehow Tom Cruise will soon be standing in line for soup because he jumped on a couch. It's amazing that an artist being out of touch with the mainstream is shocking to the public.

I have no interest in viewing Mission Impossible 3 and his religion makes no difference to me. Yes I think the faith of L. Ron Hubbard is a scam, but I just didn't care for the first two films so I don't feel inclined to torture myself sitting through a third one. Plus if I did take a stand on never going to see a Tom Cruise film because of his devotion to a sham faith I'd be a hypocrite. One of my favorite films of 2002 was directed by a fugitive pedophile rapist after all.

"If you have a great passion it seems that the logical thing is to see the fruit of it, and the fruit are children." - Roman Polanski

May 25, 2006

Some thoughts on celebrity culture and politics.

The Dixie Chicks have released a new album and the press still can't get over the controversy of three years ago. What's even more interesting is that most of the public can't either.

When their lead singer criticized the President on stage in London years ago I thought it would turn out to be a non issue. Many artists critique our miserable excuse for a leader before and during the Iraq war.

How wrong I was. Talking heads such as Bill O'Reilly slammed the band. Many came out and dismissed their comments as cowardly. Toby Keith decided he needed to get into the fray
and started a ridiculous public feud with The Dixie Chicks. Country music stations, which normally appeal to a conservative fan base, pulled their songs from airplay.

Even I felt the backlash. The company I work for was hosting some content from The Dixie Chicks even displaying them on the front page of one of our sites. I received numerous emails from rabid neocons demanding that we pull all mention of them from our web sites or we would face a boycott. Some even called this company traitors for giving time to the so called upatriotic band.

The whole issue was asinine to me, but yet now that they have a new album they seem to be receiving huge notoriety among the left wing community. Most of the political blogs I read are mostly liberal, but yet I find their Dixie worship pretty stupid. I encourage people to speak out against our elected leaders, but I don't believe the band really thought they were going to garner that much heat. If they did critique the President knowing the cost it may cause their careers, well my outlook may change.

I support what they did; however I will not sit there and blindly buy an album of music that I don't particularly care for because they made one comment against everyone's least favorite elected official. If you read the posts and comments on websites like Crooks & Liars, a website I enjoy BTW, you'd think you were almost un-American for not purchasing their music. I've read many a kiss ass review of their recent mediocre performance of a simpleton song on Letterman. I wonder how many of them even gave a thought to their music before they spoke out against Bush. Granted the band is at times very talented; however I feel we should be supporting the art when purchasing it before the politics.

Robert DeNiro is a huge Hillary Clinton supporter, yet you won't see me burning my Deer Hunter, Goodfellas, or Raging Bull DVDs. If the Pussycat Dolls came out against Wal-Mart, which may cost them a ton of revenue if the company decided to pull their CDs, you won't hear me rocking out to 'Don't Cha.'

I do find it funny that the conservatives who worked so hard to have The Dixie Chicks removed from Clear Channel stations have effectively guaranteed them getting a huge fan base with the left. I can understand liberals wanting heroes in the art community, but we need to endorse dissenting politicians, scholars, and common everyday folk before we throw our money at millionaire celebrities to act as our voice.

"Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas," Natalie Maines

May 24, 2006

Arrrrhhh. Tis pirate porn matey..

The porn industry often takes titles that are popular in mainstream cinema and parodies them in often humorous if not vulgar ways. Films like 'Edward Penishands', 'Star Fuck 3, The Search for Sperm', and 'Geriatric Park' are just a few titles that are not for the squemish.

'Pirates' is a different story altogether. It's a 129 minute porn that seems to take itself way to seriously. Not content with simple orgasm laced satire the film supposedly takes a somewhat legitamite plot and probably the biggest budget an X rated film has received since 'Caligula'. Try to imagine the latest drama or action film you've seen. Now try to picture the director adding an anal sequence for no apparent reason.

What's even more funny about this is that the film's length has been cut so they can re-release this as a MPAA approved R rated film, which will coincide with the release of the sequel to Pirates of the Carribean. So imagine again a terribly acted pirate movie with lots of boobies and references to the fine art of wenching.

Actually this may be worth seeing. I just hope they have a money shot with someone screaming "Arrrrhhh".

“The average man will bristle if you say his father was dishonest, but he will brag a little if he discovers that his great-grandfather was a pirate.” - Benn Williams

Pirate booty is R

May 23, 2006

MySpace vs Blogger users.

I've been browsing users of MySpace and Blogger lately and came to see some interesting differences between the two. Listed below are the observations I made. Oh and you MySpace users, please don't take offense. I have an under used MySpace account as well. These are just generalizations and doesn't mean you're less of a person for using the Rupert Murdoch owned online meat market.

Blogger user: You find that accessible easy to read format makes for a better viewing atmosphere.
MySpace user: You believe that using annoying backgrounds and illegible fonts somehow makes you cool.

Blogger user: You find that using the the simplest of layouts a reader can easily access your page.
MySpace user: You are under the impression that filling your page with useless content, bad music, and horrifying layouts makes your site come up so damn slow that the reader is really excited to wait so long to see it.

Blogger user: You often times post information about yourself such as your likes, dislikes, politics, etc, but you won't give way too much personal information. You feel in doing so gives your readers a better sense of where the author is coming from.
MySpace user: You believe that posting numerous fluff surveys is important as everyone is highly interested about the last time someone tried to stick his penis in your ear.

Blogger user: You keep your posts generally related to a theme, except for the dumbass blog Erik's Ramblings which is so damn random the author should seek therapy.
MySpace user: You like to post about things often related to how sexy you think you are or to give a "shout out" to your friends for some apparent reason.

Blogger user: You use pictures in your blog to emphasize the theme of the current post.
MySpace user: You have numerous pics of you and your friends getting drunk, webcam pics where you turn your head and give a cute smile, or one of you flipping off the camera.

Blogger user: You sometimes use quotes lifted from various literary sources, celebrities, and/or politicians to entertain the reader at the end of the post. You also use it to strengthen the topic which hopefully makes the reader think.
MySpace user: You still haven't learned that "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" was old in 1994 and it wasn't funny then.

Blogger user: When a stranger posts a comment on your blog you're happy to learn that someone is actually interested in your thoughts.
MySpace user: You assume any stranger who contacts you wants to see you naked and you're probably right.

Blogger user: You enjoy using a product that's easy to use and owned by a company that's reputable.
MySpace user: You have no idea that MySpace is owned by Rupert Murdoch, nor do you care. Sadly you may not know who that is.

Blogger user: When you post a comment on someone's post you try to keep it pithy and on topic.
MySpace user: It's almost an addiction as to how much you type "Whasssup sexy" on your friends' sites.

Blogger user: You sometimes post about your dreams for a better future, or even a cynical look at the absurdities of life.
MySpace user: You feel the best method of committing a crime is posting all the details about your plans and feeling surprised when the cops come to your door.

Blogger user: You've never asked a fellow user to send you naked pictures, although you may have thought about it.
MySpace user: Your pics folder contains numerous shots of people who are more than willing to strip for you. You never ask their age.

Blogger user: You admire the more successful blogs that are well written.
MySpace user: You think Tila Tequila is an American hero.

"I don't want to say it's overwhelming, ... but I see these numbers coming out, I keep thinking, it must be a mistake. How can we pass Google? I mean, my mom knows Google, but she doesn't know MySpace." - Tom Anderson.

The best headline today.

I read the news a lot so I come across many a headline that amuses me. Tonight I found an article reporting that more and more women are using contraceptives not just for birth control, but one of the biggest reasons is to eliminate their period.

The reporter and editing staff decided this headline would be appropriate: "More and more women saying no to menstruation. Period."

"It doesn't take long for women to go from being excited about having a period to feeling it's a pain in the neck," Linda Gordon

More and more women saying no to menstruation. Period.

Never assume.

A while ago I posted about The Boondock Saints coming to theatres for one showing only. Excited about this I took the night off and asked my roommate Kris to come along. Kris was the one who introduced me to this cult hit and I assumed a good time would be had by all.

And that's what I get for assuming. Kris is not what you'd call a social person. In fact when we got into the car to head there he couldn't remember the last time he went to a theatre. He normally doesn't like being in large groups so him coming along to this is proof positive of how much he enjoys this film.

We arrive at the theatre to find a small crowd of people. I get my turn to buy the tickets and the lady hands me back my money announcing that it had just sold out. Shit! I knew the film had a cult following, but I didn't know it would be this big. There were seven theatres in the area showing The Boondock Saints and the largest one was sold out.

We didn't have enough time to make it to another theatre unfortunately. Vacation time well spent I guess. The moral of the story is now matter how obscure you may thing something is there's usually about a million others who think the same thing.

"And I am reminded, on this holy day, of the sad story of Kitty Genovese. As you all may remember, a long time ago, almost thirty years ago, this poor soul cried out for help time and time again, but no person answered her calls. Though many saw, no one so much as called the police. They all just watched as Kitty was being stabbed to death in broad daylight. They watched as her assailant walked away. Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men." - Monsignor, The Boondock Saints.

May 19, 2006

The top 100 beers.

God I love beer. I really do. I've been lax in my beer consumption latley which saddens me. I really should drink more.

Beer Advocate has released their top 100 beers and my beloved Samuel Smiths Oatmeal Stout made the list. There's a lot on the list that I've never heard of so I guess I have a lot of research to do.

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." - Kaiser Welhelm

Top 100 Beers

Bad movies I love part 9.

This post will make most of you seriously question my taste in movies if not my sexuality. Most people of my generation have never heard of 'Prince Valiant', nor would most care to. My parents were big fans of the long running comic series so as teenagers they were excited about the film version. It once played on TV when I was a kid and my parents recorded it for my viewing pleasure.

The movie is loosely based on the old comic where the exiled Viking Christian Prince Valiant flees to England to warn King Arthur of the impending invasion by Pagan Vikings. Valiant (Robert Wagner) is welcomed by Arthur and soon learns the art of British knightship by Sir Gawain (Sterling Hayden). Upon his travels through the English countryside he learns of an unholy alliance between the Black Knight (James Mason) and the anti-Christian Vikings. He also falls in love with Princess Aleta (Janet Leigh), who's also caught the eye of Gawain.

After being captured by the bad Vikings Valiant is taken back to his homeland and of course we have your epic castle raid led by the good Vikings against the bad ones. Valiant then takes back his families prized relic the singing sword. After the battle is won the young Prince goes back to England and confronts the black knight.

Robert Wagner, sporting the infamous hairdo, is horribly miscast and most of the acting is atrocious. The plot is paper thin. The script has numerous problems, such as one of the best unintentional funny lines ever in the history of film, "To arms sire, to arms. The Christians. They're attacking." For some reason hearing that makes me giggle even now. During the time the Arthur legend was supposed to take place I don't think Christianity even made it to Norway, but I guess audiences during the 50s wouldn't have accepted a Pagan hero.

Mid 50s medieval pictures have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. Movies like 'Ivanhoe' and 'Prince Valiant' always seem to have gorgeous settings, fun stories, great action, and hot women. No matter how bad they were told, they were great stories where chivalry ruled, where knights were noble, and evil always got a good ass whooping. It was always a world I wanted to live in as a child and sometimes even today I dream of a reality such as the one Hollywood created for that time; however unrealistic as it may have been.

"I don't think you should hurt or kill animals just to entertain an audience. Animals should have some rights. But there are a lot of directors, including Ingmar Bergman, who will injure animals to further a plot. I will have none of it."- James Mason

May 17, 2006

Watterson should kick your ass.

Years ago I was introduced to Calvin & Hobbes, a comic strip written and drawn with great wit and amazing illustrations. A six year old with an amazing sense of vocabulary Calvin and his imaginary stuffed tiger Hobbes journeyed through childhood with an imagination that is beautiful and destructive at the same time. The strip taught us life lessons, made us laugh, and sometimes had me reaching for the dictionary. Reason I love the strip so much is that it helps me remember those wonderful moments of childhood where I used to imagine a world so much bigger and often times better, or at least more fun, than the one I currently inhabit.

Calvin is such a beloved figure amongst it's many readers; however there are asshats who have decided to copy Bill Watterson's images and use them for disgusting purposes. Watterson, the recluse creator of the strip, never signed over rights to market Calvin in any way, because he didn't want to cheapen the readers experience. For some reason some artist, actually thieves, felt compelled to market and sell drawings of Calvin. You've probably come across these if you simply drive.

Yes car and truck owners now don the Calvin image in ridiculous ways. Most often times you'll see Calvin pissing on something, usually a Ford or Chevy symbol. Why these former mulletheads feel that's clever I don't know. Some even have Calvin praying at the foot of a cross. Scripture teaches us some worship will be an abomination to the Lord and I'm sure using a bootleg image, which is essentially illegal, to preach the Word ranks up there.

When I see a car or truck with a Calvin sticker that shows him urinating I create this image in my head of the owner of the vehicle. I imagine a guy wearing a hat that advertises a automobile manufacturer. He wears a No-Fear or Big Johnson t-shirt. He screams "Freebird" at every concert he's ever been to. He listens to Kid Rock and System of a Down. He calls himself a Johnny Cash fan, but can't name you a single song he sung. He owns Pearl Harbor on DVD to try and impress his dates.

When this figmate of my sick brain purchased the decal for his vehicle he looked at his friends and said "Yeah. Now everyone will know how I feel about them driving them there Fords. Fords suck man. This is funny. Chicks will dig this. Freebird."

Then my imagination turns ugly and I see myself pulling the Bon Jovi lover out of his car through the window beating him senseless. Standing over his mildly conscious body I tell him if he likes pee images so much I think he'll enjoy what I'm about to do next. I then urinate in his ear.

Okay maybe I'm taking this a little to passionately. Didn't mean to go all Muslim about the image of Calvin. Oh and that's the extremist Muslim I'm referring to, not the good peace loving Muslims who I for some reason feel so compelled to write a disclaimer about, yet I just went ahead and stereotyped thousands of people for their car art. I hate myself for writing that.

"I clearly miscalculated how popular it would be to show Calvin urinating on a Ford logo." - Bill Watterson.

How to avoid an office crush.

MSNBC printed an interesting article about how to avoid an office crush. They bring up some valid, if not obvious, suggestions such as never be alone with someone fixated on you and never go out to lunch and/or an after work drink or function; however they left out my best method of warding off a potential work flirt.

I show them my ass. You would think this would get me fired, but it usually sends former co-workers into catatonic shock never to be heard from again. Sad that it does the same for girlfriends, saints that they are.

Okay so I never have shown my ass to my co-workers much to their relief and mental health. Actually the last person to have a crush on me at work was a guy so I don't think that revealing my butt would've been much of a deterrent.

"I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way." - Stephen Colbert

Warding off goo-goo eyes

May 16, 2006

The most interesting political resume I've ever researched.

Only in America can the major news outlets blame the lunatic antics of Tom Cruise for a mild box office showing for a film that no one's really interested in seeing and yet the same industry will give an Oscar to a fugitive pedophile. Only in America will more viewers spend more time watching Paris Hilton go down on someone then watch C-Span. Only in America will an entire demographic claim they receive their news from a fake news show. Only in America can you be a porn star and run for govenor as a Republican.

Yes you read that last sentence correctly. Former porn star Melody "Mimi Miyagi" Damayo has announced her canidacy for the governor's race in Nevada. The pic posted in the upper left was taken at her canidacy filing. Listed below are a few gems that are quoted from her platform which read like a middle school student body election:

On Homeland Security: "Prior to 911, we were living in "la-la-land".... Every home should be required to shelter in place or evacuate, but it's not the case. Every car should have a basic survival kit. Every school, and college campus too, must be better prepared. There's only a few choices we have in a major catastrophe. We're either ordered to shelter in place and survive for 3 to 5 days or evacuate to another place. How many of us are really prepared to do either / or???"

On Iraq: "Imagine if all countries committed to this war? It would have been over a long time ago. You can't form a working democracy without security. And if the military powers in the world worked together to form a "secure Iraq", the "silent majority", which I believe is not much different from the silent majority in the U.S. (I'm speaking of the "middle class" of any country) would not be afraid to speak out in support of our efforts."

On Education: "There are social injustices that have affected many Americans. However, all that was and is wrong cannot be fixed over night, and learning NOW is a much better option than waiting for society to change, because social change takes time. While we're working toward social change, we need to "hunker down" and make the most of the time we have to learn right NOW!"

You hear that people? We must hunker down. With a name like Miyagi how can you not listen to her stunning wisdom? She might be the bastard child of the infamous karate guru and if he can teach Ralph Maccio to lay the smack down on 'sweep the leg' Johnny, and give Danielson a car that helps him bang Elizabeth Shue, perhaps his bloodline can govern the fine brothel friendly state as only a good Republican can.

"For the bare and honest truth." - Mimi's campaign slogan.

Mimi for Govenor

Bad movies I love part 8.

Fish out of water films are usually pretty dull. In the mid 80s America saw a plethora of films with that premise including such hits as 'Crocodile Dundee', 'Star Trek IV The Voyage Home', and the 'Back to the Future' trilogy. After a short while the genre got stale really quick, yet Hollywood still released such abysmal movies like 'Crocodile Dundee Part 2'.

These movies still haunt us to this day; however once in a blue moon audiences are treated to something that will actually make them laugh. 'The Guru' opened with lukewarm reviews and a paper thin showing at the box office; however this is one of those gems that I enjoy.

Most romantic comedies are your standard fare of boy meets girl, boy pisses off girl, boy does something embarrassing to apologize to girl, girl takes boy back. 'The Guru' is really no different; however the stabs it makes at our pop culture are enough to keep me smiling.

Jimi Mistry plays an Indian film lover with dreams of becoming a star. He moves to America after convincing his family that he's going to do more here than drive a cab. Unbeknownst to him his first audition lands him in a porn where he meets Heather Graham (god bless her and everything she stands for). Having no experience in getting naked on camera Jimi fails at this gig miserably.

Frustrated by his lack of success he inadvertently gets hired to play a spiritual guru at a party for a few of New York's elite. Having no experience in the cult arts he acts his way through the role and everyone buys it. His success at telling people how to mix sex and spirituality makes him a huge success and with the help of his first disciple, played by the cute Marisa Tomei, he's running his own meditation consulting for the rich (can you say Kabbalah?).

Jimi of course has no great wisdom about sex so he hires Heather Graham to teach him her secrets. After promising not to reveal the information to anyone, which of course he breaks numerous times, he ends up falling in love with the porn star with a heart of gold stereotype. With that the plot thickens.

The movie isn't full of laughs, but enough to keep you watching. The acting is at times over the top and if you've never seen a Bollywood film you might not get some of the humor.

There is one aspect of the film that I can't praise enough and that is Heather Graham. Throughout the film she morphes from the adorable sweet natured girl to sexy as hell porn star. In one of her lessons Jimi finds himself a little too excited and I'm sure the males in the audience were as well.

'The Guru' takes numerous shots at our pop culture, the silliness of Bollywood musicals, and the sheep like mentality of our naive American brethren. These subjects are always worth ridiculing; however few do it well. The movie doesn't delve deep into the insanity of stardom and celebrity culture, but it's enough to keep you laughing and it's never pretentious. We all know someone who have fell victim to the much hyped trends such as low carb diets and blind loyalty to Oprah and that makes watching 'The Guru' all the much more enjoyable.

"This is the kind of movie for which the term 'guilty pleasure' was coined." - Chris Vognar

Music video from the Guru including the uber hot moves of the lovely Heather Graham

May 15, 2006

Once I was the child...

This weekend set off on a good tone starting with the Russ Freedom Festival, aka Rustypalooza, at Acme Bowl thrown by the Jiggaman and the Pretty Girl. A large turnout ensued with mostly people I hardly know or hang out with. Since I'm not a big fan of bowling I decided the best route was to drink and get my ass handed to me at pool multiple times.

The next day I headed up to Bellingham for Mother's Day. After Dad and I gave Mom her gifts we went out to dinner. The waiter asked us if we wanted drinks. Mom sat nervously as she browsed the list over and over again. Sensing impatience in the waiter and knowing Mom wasn't going to outright pick something she really liked I decided to order for her as I have better drink knowledge than she does.

Mom kind of giggled and looked at the waiter and said, "When he was a baby I fixed his bottle. Now that he's a man he fixes mine."

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness." - Honore de Balzac

May 11, 2006

The Protocols..

The United States Holocaust Museum has a new exhibit dedicated to the The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. This manuscript detailed a meeting with high ranking Jews that were bent on world domination. In it they describe their plan which mostly consisted of backing every political and economic movement including fascism, communism, and capitalism.

The document is a fraud. It was forged in the turn of the 20th century in Russia, but the effect it has had on our world has been staggering. It would be ridiculous to blame all 20th century anti-semitism on that one piece of literature, but I don't think anyone should deny the horrific consequences of it's existence.

What most people don't know is that The Protocols was endorsed by many Americans including Henry Ford. Henry Ford self published a book he wrote call the 'The International Jew, the World's Foremost Problem' which included The Protocols. What is really interesting is that The Protocols claim the Masons are in league with the Jewish conspiracy. Henry Ford never did renounce his Masonic membership.

Sales of the book were low so he decided the best way to distribute his propaganda was to include a copy with the sale of his cars. My grandfather received one after purchasing one of his Model Ts. He never bought a Ford again.

Even after Ford was confronted with the news about the document being a fraud he still stuck by it's authenticity and was quoted as saying, "The only statement I care to make about the Protocols is that they fit in with what is going on. They are sixteen years old, and they have fitted the world situation up to this time. They fit it now."

It's no wonder Hitler hung a portrait of Henry in his private quarters. Rumor has it that Ford gave money to support Hitler's rise to power. This is the same man that's often praised as an American hero.

I've read many blogs who still decree The Protocols as a true document. There are even ones that admit the manuscript is forged, but will swear to the authenticity of it's theme. I've also come across many pro-Muslim blogs that use this work as one of their excuses to end "Zionism". What's telling in most of these blogs is that they often rant and rave about how Western media doesn't do enough to differentiate the peace loving Muslims from the extremists, yet not a single one places any disclaimer between their often loathed Zionist Jew characticture and the non-political Jew. Some even go so far as to claim no Isreali Jew is innocent of the various crimes of Israel.

While some nations leaders claim the Holocaust is a myth and various critics of Israel call for a genocidal end to the country we must not dismiss this propaganda as the rantings of mere lunatics. The movements behind anti-semitism are extremely vocal, organized, and in some cases well armed. Israel is one of the many powder kegs of our world and ignoring the racist propaganda that calls for it's violent destruction will have devastating consequences.

"Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it." - Henry Ford

May 10, 2006

I'm in the wrong business.

I could never be a cop given the fact that I have little patience for the stupid things people do to themselves and to their loved ones. After constant calls on domestic violence I know I'd snap and create a huge lawsuit for the city I'd work for.

Then there are headlines that make me rethink my current career choice.

A vice cop in my beloved Seattle went undercover to sting a local strip club. Having solved all other crime in the area the Snohomish police department feels it needs to enforce the 4 foot dance rule that recently passed. The office entered Honeys, an establishment that I may or may not be familiar with, and got a lap dance from a girl named Charity. The office allowed her to feel him up for the full five minute song. Charity claims he had a "physical reaction" and received a "happy ending" when the dance was over. After the encounter took place the deputy arrested the exotic dancer. She is now fighting the charge.

What's funny about this is that if Charity gave the dance for free there would be no crime.

Speaking of the fine art of exotic dance Kevin Smith, director of Clerks and Chasing Amy, wrote in his Boring Ass Life blog about the "Perils of Strip Clubs." Reading it made my jaw drop as the story he related actually happened to me, although details were different.

The last time I was in a strip club, which was well over a year ago, a pretty stripper came and sat on my lap. After asking my name she said "I used to date a guy who looks just like you."

I of course thanked her for the compliment; however after hearing this line so many times I made it clear that I didn't believe a hot goddess such as herself would ever be seen with the likes of me if I wasn't going to spend twenty bucks on them. She of course denied that she was making that up and swore that I did indeed look like a guy she used to get naked for for free. I smiled given the image was nice.

I wasn't really interested in getting a lap dance at the time, but she was hot and I wanted to keep her on my lap for as long as possible. Horny me decided to keep the conversation going. We started chatting and I asked her to people watch with me knowing that's an activity most girls I know really enjoy. We saw a table filled with a bunch of Asian guys who fit every stereotype you can think of. We commented on an old fat guy who was getting rubbed by a young looking, pig-tailed sporting gal in a school girl outfit. After observing the various types that come into such places I asked her what it was like doing the work she does.

She said she likes the money and the fact she gets to work when she wants, but she did hate the fact that a lot of her work meant getting turned down a lot when hustling lap dances. She also started talking about the things guys try to do to her.

"What do they try and do?" I asked. I assumed she was going to talk about guys trying to lick her and stuff like that.

"Some guys try to pull my hands in their pants, but there are those who try and put their fingers in my ass," she replied.

"What? Finger in the ass?"

"Yeah. I let guys feel my ass, but there are those who try and slip their thumb in."

"Holy shit," I said. I was truly shocked. I couldn't imagine even wanting to do that. I've had a few lap dances in my day and I never, ever, thought of doing something like that to a girl. I have no idea why someone would want to.

I was so taken aback by this that instantly my protective side started to show. I felt sorry for the girl seeing her defenseless as some horses ass tries to stick things in her nether region. So when she asked me if I wanted a dance I couldn't turn her down.

The dance was over and we parted ways, but I still thought of that girl and the abuse she must take doing work like this. I contemplated why I felt so sorry for her given the fact that no one is forcing these women to do this job. Honestly if someone tried to do that to me at my job I'd either quit or get arrested for aggravated assault.

I told this story to a friend of mine months later. He rolled his eyes and said "Yeah a few of them have told me the same thing. She probably saw you as a sweetie and gave you that line which you bought hook line and sinker. Sucker."

Yes much like Kevin Smith I was fooled into a lap dance as I forgot a cardinal rule when going into a strip club: Remember these girls are salespeople first and will tell you anything to get you to buy the product.

"No matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the champagne room" - Chris Rock

On the Perils of Strip Clubs
Stripper says vice sting went too far

Need bigger breasts? Turn to Craigslist for assistance.

With my previous postings about shopping, cats, and cute kids I thought I'd turn my attention back to a subject I know I and my two male straight readers love and that is ample bosoms.

Being a female in the journalism industry, which hypes itself on diversity and yet seems to hire only mildly attractive to really hot women, must be an arduous task for someone who feels their looks aren't adequate. A recent college graduate is finding the job market in the journalistic field a difficult one so she decided to do what anyone reasonably educated person would do, try and get breast implants.

The college grad seems to be a little short on funds though so instead of putting it on a credit card she pleads her case to the general public by posting an ad on Craiglist asking for donations. Yes you dear readers can assist this woman with her A-cup woes. Her posting is as follows:

"I know this is a long shot, but it's worth a try. This month I attained my B.S. degreee in journalism with a minor in marketing. I hope to one day soon be a leading broadcast journalist, but feel that my small chest is holding me back. I am seeking understanding, kind-hearted people who are willing to invest in my A-cup breasts and help me finance a breast augmentation surgery and advance my career in broadcast journalism. The surgery will cost $3,000 and get me up to a full C-cup. I believe that this is the final piece that I need to have more self-confidence and gain better job opportunities. In this day and age, I know how important looking good is for any career. I know this surgery will increase my chances three-fold on top of my education, experience and talent. Please reply if you can help. This is not only an investment in my confidence; It is an investment in my fruitful career. Thank you."
Next we'll see an ad from a guy who wants a penis enlargement to save his marriage. Members of NOW are having cardiac arrest over items such as these.
Now as much as I'm all for women looking hot I find the feeling of need from a lot of women to have big breasts kind of disturbing. I myself would'nt go out of my way to hire a woman with big jugs as I prefer to work with someone who is the most qualified to do the job. Actually I may even be prejudice against hiring someone with an enormous rack as I am so bad as staring at them.
"I'm so scared girls look at my breast implants and think, 'To get boys, you need big boobs.' I tell them, 'Don't get it done. Those fears go away. You develop other insecurities, but breasts aren't one of them.' I want to get them half-size." - Jenny McCarthy

PETA ready to swing into action.

I'm not a big cat person. I don't hate them, but I prefer dogs. The town of Clermont has decided that stray cats are so deplorable that they won't let the townsfolk feed them. Having solved all of their cities dilemmas the City Council has now made feeding a stray cat an fineable offense.

"We have people who feed the wild cats and the cats leave something behind. One guy won't be able to use his hot tub," says Police Cheif Arthur Sullivan. I don't know why the guy can't put a cover on his hot tub, but I guess starving animals is preferable to the town's residents than luxury item upkeep.

"If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." - Mark Twain

City Fines People Who Feed Stray Cats

May 9, 2006

I don't normally do cute.

I'm normally not into posting things that are "cute", but this is so damn adorable I had to share. Kids hamming it up always brings a smile to this cynic for some reason. Enjoy this fluff brought to you by

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” - Emo Philips


A picture is worth...

Is it just me or does anyone else find the Smithsonian portrait of Bill Clinton really funny? I mean that side pose with his hand on his hip just to me screams Roman general surrounded by toga garbed bisexual nymphos worshiping at his feet. Okay maybe I should just take my mind out of the gutter and..aww screw it. This is Fark photoshop contest material here. I bet even he wants to grab chalk and draw a huge member on the painting. Come on you know he does.

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." - Bill Clinton

Smithsonian Unveils Portraits of Clinton

May 8, 2006

Who would've thought?

When the fall of the Berlin Wall came upon us optimists felt an ushering of a new era of peace was upon us. The mighty Soviets have been thwarted not by the sword, but by the pen and soon our world seemed more stable. There were skeptics, but the prevailing concious in the US felt a sense of hope, one that hasn't been in our hearts since that fateful day Japan surrendered.

I believe it was Daddy Bush's Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger who told us that one day we would miss the Cold War. Media pundits scoffed at such remarks dismissing him as a fatalist.

At the time many people who followed foreign affairs did believe there still were powder kegs in our unstable planet such as Israel and Taiwan. Who knew that the real powder keg of our young century could be Iran?

The UN may vote this week to approve sanctions and possible military action against Iran if they choose to go ahead with their uranium enrichment plan. China and Russia have stated they would veto any possible action against the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Tehran has made it no secret that they are ready and willing to go to war for their right to have and maintain nuclear power and if any decree by the UN is handed down to them they won't abide by it. We know our President doesn't feel the need for UN backing in military action.

I do miss the Cold War sometimes. I'd never thought I'd say it.

"The entire Islamic world condemned Iran. Nowadays, because of the unwarranted invasion of Iraq by Bush and Blair, which was a completely unjust adventure based on misleading statements, and the lack of any effort to resolve the Palestinian issue, there is massive Islamic condemnation of the United States." - Jimmy Carter

Iran threatens to pull out of nuclear treaty

May 7, 2006

Erik goes shopping, somehow retains some semblance of masculinity.

Yesterday consisted of the Pretty Girl and I going shopping. After picking up a Mother's Day gift for dear old ma I decided I wanted to do some movie shopping at the local Suncoast. The problem with Suncoast is that it's located in Bellevue Square mall, which is the yuppiest place in the Seattle area.

After browsing the DVD shelves we walked around and peaked our heads in other stores. I was feeling kind of parched so I told her I wanted to get something to drink. She said she would wait for me in a shoe store called Aldo.

Yep she's a clever one that Pretty Girl. I walked into the understaffed shoe store and stood in amazement. My normal shoe shopping consists of me going to Ross, Pay Less, or Big 5 and usually takes me no more than 10 minutes to find adequate footwear. Normally I browse their clearance bins which have shoes thrown about in no particular orderly fashion. This place I walked into was very different.

Aldo has fine crafted shelves with shoes placed on them with care. They had advertisements of various celebrities endorsing their products all the while seeming to make a statement about AIDS, including Pink, Avril Lavigne, and even Adrian Brody. Adrian Brody?

The Pretty Girl waited patiently while the overworked, but cheery hot clerk attended everyone in a somewhat manic, but reliable fashion. I sat down and sipped my water and observed the orderly chaos that is shoe shopping. There were many interesting folk there, most of them being women dressed hotter than they really are. There was a guy though that caught my attention right away.

He was a dark haired gent who was dressed in a grey and white striped button down shirt, grayish pants, and strange dark grey elf like shoes with pointy tips. He just had a metrosexual look that just screamed he was trying way too hard.

After shoe shopping the Pretty Girl decided to go perfume browsing at Macy's. This was an experience I've never had before, nor hopefully will again. We walked through the fragrance section and were bombarded with over dressed women hawking their scent. The women gave us paper with perfume, but some decided that wasn't enough and had to spray the Pretty Girl with their product. She had so much scent on her that we had to drive out of there with the sunroof and windows open.

She asked me what I thought of each of them. I told her I didn't like on particular perfume to which she reminded me that's exactly the one she wears. Doh!

After a blue haired girl with way too much cleavage assisted us with our perfume needs I took a look around to observe the rest of the workers. There were so many and all of them had a particular look. We had a extremely busty high pitched blonde, an older woman who seems to wish she were still 22, an older woman who didn't care, a girl who hardly wore makeup, and another that seemed to have been made up by Dutch Boy.

I felt like I was in a Turkish market rather than Macy's. Usually when I go shopping I never have to deal with such pushy salespeople. After a while I felt my masculinity slowing easing out of my soul to the point where I wanted to jump on the counter, rip off my shirt, whip out a beer and cigar, and scream "I'm a man goddamn it. I am a man. I like naked ladies and boxing and large amounts of alcohol. I love driving fast especially with a stripper who goes by the name of Misty in the passenger seat. I flush twice. I create fire. Hear me for I am man." I suppose Miss Manners wouldn't approve of my fantasy outburst, but it sure would've been funny. If I had done it though I'd probably be single now if not in jail.

I really don't see how you women do it. After that experience I believe it's criminal the military doesn't allow women in combat.

The cornucopia of smells assaulted my nostrils and I started to feel dizzy. I figured if I ever want to do drugs again I won't call a shady friend. I'll just head on down to a department store.

"On the one hand, shopping is dependable: You can do it alone, if you lose your heart to something that is wrong for you, you can return it; it's instant gratification and yet something you buy may well last for years." - Judith Krantz

Playmate of the year, brought to you by...Disney?

In news no one really cares about except for perverts who enjoy looking at naked women, which would include me, Playboy has announced their new Playmate of the Year. This year they did the safe choice going with a blonde, blue-eyed gal with big boobs.

What's so special about this one though? Well she used to work for DisneyWorld dressing up in character costumes such as Cinderella and the Little Mermaid. Oh the images I have swirling in my brain are so wrong. So very, very wrong.

For the honor of being Playmate of the Year you get $100,000, plus a car and a motorbike. Oh and you get to spend an evening with Hugh Hefner while he demonstrates the miracles of Viagra. Lucky girl indeed. Not a bad reward for being hot.

"Picasso had his pink period and his blue period. I am in my blonde period right now." - Hugh Hefner

The Glass Slipper Fits Playboy's Playmate of the Year

May 5, 2006

Like father like son.

Rep. Patrick Kennedy, son of the miserable pig fucking coward Ted, has crashed his car high on prescription medication. He left the Capitol building after a session of votes, took his drugs, drove around, and then drove back to the Capitol believing he needed to vote again. He narrowly missed a police car and smashed into a security barrier.

Kennedy claimed he took sleep medication and an anti-nausea drug. Call me weird, but I don't believe sleep medication is best taken before you get behind the wheel. I would assume this would fall under the "do not drive or operate heavy machinery" category, but if you're a bi-polar recovering addict fortunate son I guess you don't feel the need to pay attention to little details.

At least no one died as the result of this accident. Most people are not aware of the fact that Mary Jo Kopechne, the unfortunate passenger at Chappaquiddick, did not actually drown but affixiated. Yes she sat in that car for up to two hours in pitch black experiencing a horrible death. What's worse if Ted actually called authorities instead of asking his friends to try and cover the whole thing up she might be with us today.

"Today there are hundreds of thousands of clean and sober individuals living productive lives only because, in a moment-of-truth, a counselor was there and made the difference." - Patrick J. Kennedy

Kennedy Says He Was Disoriented From Prescription Drugs

May 4, 2006

Bad teeth, fast food, and car trouble.

Last night was planned to be a great night. I bought tickets to take the Pretty Girl to see Pippin at the 5th Ave theatre. Before hand we both wanted to eat at the highly recommended Palace Kitchen.

I woke up early that day and gave my car a much needed wash. Given traffic in Seattle can be as accommodating as your average rodeo bull I thought I'd leave early from Renton to pick her up from work. I arrived early and sat in my car in front of her office awaiting her to get off work. After a short wait she got in and we were going to be off to enjoy a good evening.

Or so I thought. I turned the key and kept hearing a clicking noise. Damn I thought. I heard the teeth of the starter hit the flywheel so I figured it was the starter. I was still getting power, but it just wouldn't kick over. Shit this couldn't have happened at home.

I was pissed. My warranty on my car expired a month ago as well as my road side assistance plan. This was going to be a much more expensive evening than I had imagined. The Pretty Girl was trying to cheer me up given the funk I was in, but I couldn't get over the horrendous timing of this incident.

I called a towing company and dreaded the thought of the cost of the tow. The driver showed up, rather quickly I might add, and asked me to turn it over. He stood there and thought about it, then got a big smile on his face. It was obvious to me he hadn't seen a dentist since Ghostbusters was playing in theatres.

He said it may not be the starter so the man with a British sense of dental care gave me a jump. Walla my car was functional. What was going to cost me $200 ended up costing me $60 not including the big fat tip I gave him.

The Pretty Girl and I got into the car and realized time was really short for dinner, plus I didn't want to turn the car off so I could give the battery time to charge. Instead of having a great dinner at the Palace Kitchen we decided fast food was probably the best choice. We pull through the drive thru at the McDonald's across from the Space Needle and ate in their parking lot all the while the engine was running.

After the cheap dinner we headed to the 5th Ave and watched the musical/comedy Pippin. For those of you unfamiliar it's loosely based on the life of Charlemagne's first born son Pippin and chronicles his story of self discovery. The play starts off with an aggressive, almost demonic, set of Players singing songs promising how we're going to love the show they are about to perform. They cast the light on an audience member, aka Pippin, who goes up on stage and after a bit of magic disappears. The rest of the story we watch him whine about how he's struggling to find something important to do with his life while the self obsessed Players guide and sometimes berate him as well as annoy me.

The music was just not good. I don't know any other way to describe it other than completely forgettable. The comedy was amusing to most of the audience, especially to a couple of ladies sitting behind us. I may have found it funny if I hadn't read or seen the jokes a dozen times before. The play tried to be edgy with it's humor and themes and I imagine back when it was written it was. It sure isn't now; however I've read many a review that would disagree. Given the play wasn't the best I've seen I still enjoyed being in the 5th Ave theatre.

So the night didn't go as planned, but I got to dress up and at least try and show the Pretty Girl a good time. Overall I think I succeeded.

I took my car into a shop today to see if there was anything out of the ordinary that was draining my battery. As luck would have it they found nothing.

"The only difference between McDonald's customers and the dinner crowd is that the latter dine on tablecloths. The powerful are as likely to be as portly as the plebes." - Suzanne Fields

May 3, 2006

Illegal immigration is a tool of the Vatican. Jack Chick followers unite.

In what seems to be one of the nuttiest columns I've read in years Richard D. Sloan, who uses such great literary techniques as to come up with phrases such as "we will be enmeshed in a world-wide sea of muck", claims illegal immigration is a tool of the Vatican. Yes folks those condom hating cardinals are at it again and this time they're using Latinos to bolster their political power in the US.

Sloan claims the Heritage Foundation, headed by William Bennett, who's Catholic, influenced Jack Kemp to barr the INS from busting into HUD homes and rooting out illegals. In true Jack Chick fashion Sloan provides no evidence of this nor does he cite any communication, documents, etc of Vatican officials being in cohorts with Bennett or Kemp. He also makes the connection that since a lot of immigrants are Catholic the Vatican wants them to infiltrate America to promote their agenda.

Sloan goes on to accuse the illegal immigrants of being pawns of the Dan Brown loathing celibates. He completley ignores the fact that immigration is and always has been an economic issue first. Irish and Italian Catholics migrated in massive numbers for many years and how many Catholic presidents have we had Richard? One. A whole one and they have a stronger majority of voters then the Latinos. How many Catholics are in Congress Richard? Do you even care to look it up?

Sloan is using his anti-Catholic rehtoric to cheapen the immigrant experience without using any facts or data. He seems nothing more than another conspiracy nut. I encourage anyone to listen to the immigrants and really take heed of what they really mean to our culture and politics, but I emplore you to remove the tin foil hat while doing so.

Why the Vatican still has a stake in illegal immigration

"The Vatican is slowly destroying the U.S. with excessive immigration to advance the Vatican’s own power in the U.S. and the world. Rather than moving to the U.S., most of these immigrants should be in their home countries reforming those countries. They should be rejecting the Vatican’s self-serving doctrine of large families and bringing their own population levels under control." - Richard Sloan

May 2, 2006

Freedom of speech, how far should we allow it to go?

Fred Phelps started his notorious campaign picketing the funeral of Matthew Shephard, a young homosexual who was beaten to death in a hate crime in Wyoming. The slaying, which brought anti-gay hate crime into the national spotlight, became the pulpit from which Phelps was looking for all along. With Shephard's funeral the Westboro Baptist Church started their campaign and with it came a slew of media attention.

Shortly afterwards Phelps created which documents his feelings for the gay community and chronicles his protests. Years went by and people started ignoring his website, so I guess Phelps felt he needed a new way to shock people with his message.

In what he probably felt was a godsend 9/11 came and the church was out on the march again with signs praising the terrorist attack as God's wrath for America taking kindly to anal.

Now that the Iraq war is upon us Phelps has made it his mission to protest the funerals of dead soldiers. Phelps believes that IEDs are a blessing from God and they hit the message home that America is cursed for not killing off homosexuals on a daily basis.

These protest have spurred wild debate and as a result helped launch an organization called the Patriot Guard Riders, who seem to be successful in countering the Westboro Baptist Church's protests by drowning out their screams.

Many states are passing laws now to help the grieving families by limiting protests around funerals. To stay in accordance with the laws Phelps and his mindless congregation will have to picket a set number of feet from the event and some states are even making it so he couldn't protest at all during the memorial service.

The ACLU has now sided with the case of Fred Phelps and is taking action against the state laws arguing they are in violation of the first amendment. The quote below sums up their claim:

"Public opinion overwhelmingly rejects the type of conduct that has been undertaken by Phelps and his followers, and in an election year, the draw to such a popular and uncontroversial topic is clear; however, speech that is cruel, distasteful and upsetting is still protected by the First Amendment, and by leaving the state on precarious legal footing, what this bill is doing is encouraging Phelps to sue, and have the state help fund his operations." - Chuck Samuelson, Executive Director of the ACLU of Minnesota.
Now the ACLU has never backed away from taking a difficult, but Constitutionally correct case. Take for instance NAMBLA...actually I won't even go there. You get the point.
When I first heard about the state legislation my first reaction was that it's a good thing. People should have the right to mourn peacefully. On further thought I realized no one does have a Constitutional right to mourn, but we do have the right to protest, a right I hold dear.
This puts me in a political quandary. I support free speech when it comes to things that used to be fringe, such as porn, radical politics, etc. Now when confronted with something as repulsive as picketing a funeral I have to ask myself what country do I really want to live in. Do I want true freedom and live with the dangers of it as well as the benefits? Do I really desire limited speech so long as I agree with it? Am I just a fucking hypocrite?
These laws seem harmless in the fact that it creates a seemingly reasonable buffer zone, but they are on public land and should we be more restrictive to protests we don't like?
After much careful thought I have to side with ACLU on this one. Kicking and screaming yes, but speech such as this must be protected, because I will live with the dangers of assholes such as Phelps in order to protect my own expression. Besides we as a nation should not sit idly by and have the state counter all protest we hate. We should learn from the example of the Patriot Guard Riders, a group doing a great job in ensuring the families can mourn their loved ones without fear of encountering a monster like Phelps. If you do encounter speech you don't like, then do something about it rather than bitching to your elected officials. It's your call to ensure groups like the Westboro Baptist Church are drowned out and watching American Idol will not help.
Do you believe despicable speech should be censored?
In related news the below article surprised the hell out of me. It claims Al Gore has been affiliated with the church.
“This nation is poised to trash the first amendment just to stop my preaching. I'm kind of honored.” - Fred Phelps

An oldie but goodie.

The Girlspeak to English dictionary has been posted on the web again and it still never ceases to amuse me. Depending on the exact phrases used it can come too close to the truth for it to turn from humorous to frightening. For you men out there who have not viewed this I suggest you get educated.

"Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde

Girlspeak To English Dictionary

Bad movies I love part 7.

I used to love going to movies as a kid. Back then movie theatres seemed like palaces to me. I was small so the seats were always comfortable and it was before I noticed the auditoriums flaws such as sound and projection quality.

My parents took me to see 'Clash of the Titans' when I was the tender age of six. Being a wee lad I was mesmerized by the special effects as well as the story. I wanted to ride Pegasus and slay Medusa. The Kraken scared the hell out of me. I was thrilled by the fight between Perseus and Calibos. Last, but certainly not least, the adorable Judi Bowker got naked in the movie. When I was a kid any day I got to see a naked woman on screen was like Christmas. Actually not much has changed.

The film's plot centers around the prementioned Perseus who, like Hercules, is the son of Zeus. Perseus finds and weds Andromena after fighting off the jealous Calibos. Thetis is angered by Perseus's mother-in-law's vain filled remarks about how her daughter is more beautiful than her. Does Thetis lecture her on proper manners? Of course not. Instead Thetis uses her goddess powers to condemn Andromena to face monster that goes by the name of Kraken or their city will be destroyed. Whatever shall they do?

Perseus seeks the counsel of three witches to brainstorm a plan to defeat the Kraken. He's advised to seek and behead Medusa, the snake haired wench who's looks turn living things into stone. After chopping off her head Perseus flies on Pegasus, confronts the Kraken, and saves the day.

Watching the film now I see it's many flaws, such as a wheezy Laurence Olivier, an annoying mechanical owl, and stop motion animation that looks dated and corny. Ray Harryhausen apologists will scowl at my critique of his work, but I've never understood why any adult really gets a thrill out of watching claymation mixed with live action. Sure I'll sit through it for nostalgia reasons, but I can't suspend my disbelief that much.

'Clash of the Titans' does have it's strong points such as a great setting and a few moments of mood. I give props to the actors for at least reacting to monsters that were later animated in. If they saw the finished product before they appeared on the sound stage they probably couldn't control their laughter. The film does have a sense of whimsy in the fact that it doesn't seem to take itself to seriously. We get to see a great cast of actors; however this is not their best work. Far from it actually. Ursula Andress makes an appearance as Aphrodite and seems to maintain her looks quite well since her time being a Bond girl.

'Clash of the Titans' in really nothing more than a children's film and it's decent given the low bar Hollywood has set for kids. With studios trying to capitalize on any past success Warner Bros has decided to remake the fantasy film "classic." (See I used quotes there. That means I use the term loosely. You really didn't need that explanation did you?) As long as they serve up another naked Andromeda I'm there. That is unless they cast Rosie O'Donnell in the role. Ugh. I just made myself sick there. I need a shower.

Clash of the Titans trailer:

"Fun spin on the Greek myths despite its general goofiness" - Jon Niccum

Beacham takes on Medusa and the Kraken with a CLASH OF THE TITANS remake!

May 1, 2006

I have a dream that men can be free to have women grind them for 20 bucks a pop.

Scores, which is known for being Howard Stern's favorite strip club, is planning on opening a new establishment in Philadelphia. The proposed venture is causing a stir among residents as the zoning board hearing has just turned silly.

It's reported that a lawyer representing Scores quoted Dr Martin Luther King when commenting on the freedom one has to pay a coked out girl to sit on your lap and tease you. The audience didn't take too kindly to the counselors remarks.

Another lawyer for a nearby church dressed as Andrew Hamilton, which probably confused everyone in attendance. The hearing became extremely heated as one can imagine.

Being no stranger to the art of exotic dancing (as a customer, not an employee mind you) I find this whole thing absurd. Yes we should be able to pay some hot girl for the fantasy crotch dance. Yes a business should have the right to provide such as service, but damn we should not bring Hamilton or King into this argument. I'm surprised no one came dressed as Christ.

"The only roles I got were of strippers and hookers. I think I'm the only actress to play a stripper on 'Happy Days.'" - Cassandra Peterson

Gloves come off at strip-club hearing