Feb 28, 2011

Texas style.

"Have you ever been to a country bar," she asked with an excitement in her voice?

"I've been to many a white trash bar," I replied. "But never a country bar."

My sister in-law went on about how she believes the wife and I should accompany her and her husband to a country bar. Apparently the saloon in question has a live band and people get on the dance floor and two step in a circle. Sounds like a hoot doesn't it?

My sister in-law hates me with the burning passion of a thousand suns.

I don't know how to two-step, but I guess it's time to learn. I'm awesome at everything I do so I can rock the country western dance floor and show them Duke boys how it's done. I don't really have appropriate attire for a country bar as I'm all man, but that can easily be remedied. I shall consume a steady diet of Fox News, reruns of Reba, and beef jerky and I'll be prepared to enter this establishment to do some western boogie.

I remember dating a girl in high school who used to watch a show called 'Club Dance' on whatever the equivalent of CMT was back then. The show consisted of people two-stepping in a circle. For a half hour this happened. For some reason she and her mom knew the names of some of the dancers of the program. Apparently to be a big star on this show the only talent you needed was to follow country western dance steps. I once commented on how it looked like a redneck roller rink. She was not amused.

"I'm in this business because I despise honest labor." - Marty Robbins

Feb 25, 2011

He must be stopped.

As anyone who blogs knows anything you say on your little space on the sphere can be subject to scrutiny, for good or for ill. I'm very lucky in regards to the fact that I don't experience a lot of crazy or rude comments on this barely literate site. Still every now and then someone decides to click on the comments link and leave a baffling response. While I welcome points of view that are contrary to my own, no matter how passionate I may feel about the issue at hand, I do get some head scratchers.

Take for instance yesterday's post. It was a simple Thursday Music post that had little to do with anything other than how I discovered NIN and a song from 'The Social Network' soundtrack. Not surprisingly Miss Ash made a comment as she's a huge fan of Trent Reznor. Then came the below gem, which was promptly deleted by the author in question. Why is anyone's guess. Let's have a look at said comment, with my two bits in red.

Why American men should boycott American women

http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com/ (Nice plug there pal.)

I am an American man (The term 'man' should be used loosely), and I have decided to boycott American women (I'm sure they're heartbroken about this fact). In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you (No. They're just more likely to cheat on you, not me.), to divorce you (Given that you write a hate fulled blog about how you despise native born women in the US, yeah it's pretty likely they'll leave your 3 inches of manhood for greener pastures), to get fat (So you're one of those guys who likes women with the body of a ten year old boy.), to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean (Awe does someone miss his mommy?), don’t want to have children (Most guys I know don't see this as a problem. Then again they can be classified as real men.), etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women? (Oh I don't know, maybe a man who doesn't have mommy issues and meets a girl with similar values. Just a thought.)

American women are generally immature (Stop dating 19 year olds then), selfish (And your rant about how you want women to fit into a certain mold can be construed as what exactly?), extremely arrogant and self-centered (Most women I dated in my day were extremely insecure. They only act arrogant around you, because they're out of your league.), mentally unstable (This just in, this is not exclusive to American women. If you've traveled anywhere other than Canada you'd know this.), irresponsible, and highly unchaste (Unless you're trying to get in the pants of a nun who resides in Vatican city, chastity is a virtue little seen across our globe. Once you move out of your parents' basement you'd learn something.) The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least. (I wish this is the least you would say.)

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women) (Thanks for clearing that up. I was confused for a second there), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women. (Look pal, I married an American woman and she's everything you'll never have, a good woman who loves me dearly. If you're having trouble meeting the right girl don't blame it on females, American or otherwise. There's only one constant in your failed attempts at love and that is you.)

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN! (Thank you for adding nothing to what this post is about. In my many years of blogging few have missed the point so far as yourself. It truly takes a special kind of douche to plug their illiterate material as your fine self has displayed.)

"These feminists have the blood of all of the hundreds of thousands of soldiers and civilians killed in Iraq/Afghanistan on their hands. May God save them from their sins." - BoycottAmericanWomen

Feb 24, 2011

Thursday Music

Way back in the day I picked up a little known album, at least to the small town I was currently residing in, called 'Pretty Hate Machine'. I heard a track playing in the record store and asked the hippie owner what it was. He informed me it was NIN and prophesied they would be really big. Liking the song that was blaring the business' speakers I purchased it, which was huge considering the meager income I was making in those days.

The store's owner was not exactly the Oracle at Delphi, at least in regards to time. None of my friends' heard of NIN and few really gave them a second thought. It wasn't until the release of 'The Downward Spiral' that Trent Reznor's project really started sweeping the rural as well as suburban landscape. Everyone was a fan.

NIN released material after 'The Downward Spiral', with mixed results at best. I never really gave them much thought in recent years, but after seeing 'The Social Network' I changed my mind. Trent Reznor co-wrote the soundtrack and one song really stood out for me. For fans of the movie, they'll know what I'm talking about.

So today I bring you some Reznor goodness:

"Sometimes we pee on each other before we go on stage." - Trent Reznor

Feb 23, 2011

The right.

Almost everywhere you go here in Texas you'll find a sign outside a business, schools, and even churches announcing that you cannot carry an unlicensed firearm into the premises. You can; however, have a gun on your person if you have a concealed weapons permit. In order to get one you have to be 21 years or older, take a course, etc.

Most Texans I've had the opportunity to meet are gun owners. My wife was the first girl I've ever even dated that admitted to having a handgun in her place. Now that's motivation to be a well behaved husband.

The state legislature is mulling over a bill to make it legal for those with concealed weapons permits to be able to carry their firearm on state funded college campuses. Supporters of the bill believe this will be a deterrent for those who wish to commit a mass slaying, such as the tragedy in Virginia Tech or the infamous sniper at Texas University. Opponents say this may make for a more dangerous environment for students and faculty.

Surprisingly this is the not the first state to consider this a good idea. Utah does allow for guns on college campuses and thankfully no one has gotten hurt as a result. I'm actually torn on this issue. If there was someone to fire back at the Virginia Tech shooter could many lives have been saved? Maybe not as most students aren't over 21 and would be ineligible for a concealed weapons permit. Could most students even afford a proper handgun and even have the training to fire one effectively? Possibly, but I'm skeptical this will make a madman even think twice about committing a horrific slaying. The mentally ill have never let a little thing like reason get in the way of their actions.

"If I was taking an exam and knew the person next to me had one, I don't know how comfortable I would feel. I am in favor of guns rights and your typical conservative guy, but the classroom thing bugs me." - Frankie Shulkin

Texas poised to pass bill allowing guns on campus

Feb 22, 2011

How far would you go?

I was reading a news article which cited a study by a fitness magazine where it claims 51% of women would choose to give up sex for a year in order to become skinny. This is not as shocking as the fact Paula Poundstone has (had) a career, but still surprising none the less. Anyone who's ever known a woman is keenly aware that their body issues have little to do with what men think. Sadly the influence of the fashion industry and what their peers think have much more of an impact than anything else.

I could go on about why women feel that they need to look like a bag of antlers to be attractive, which is crap, but I won't. You're all smart people, but the bigger question is how far men would go to look more attractive. Would any guy give up a year of sex for a year to cede their male pattern baldness? How about decreasing the waist line or looking like Ryan Reynolds? Also how bad of a sex life do 51% of women have?

"Another study I saw yesterday said 61 percent of women are thinking about what their body looks like while they're having sex. So clearly, we are so focused on appearance, and ... bombarded with images of what our appearance should look like -- how thin we should be, how tall we should be, what we should be wearing. It's everywhere. So it's not really surprising that it's the thing that women think about the most, but the things they would give up in order to achieve this ideal is, I think, what's really surprising in the study." - Dr. Jennifer Hartstein

Would women give up sex if it meant being slim?

Feb 21, 2011

The Wiwille workout.

I went to the doctor today as he was concerned about my blood pressure from an earlier visit. Turns out my reading was good this morning, but the results from my blood work were a bit disconcerting. I apparently have high cholesterol.

My doctor wasn't too concerned with the results, but we talked about solutions. I asked if he was going to put me on any medications to which he said no. He wasn't a fan of just prescribing me expensive pills to solve my issues it seemed, to which I was grateful. I'd rather do things the healthiest way if possible. So he recommended that I diet and exercise.


I've gained a ton of weight since I made the move to the great state of Texas. When I say 'gained a ton of weight' I mean I've ballooned into a fatty boombaladdie. Consequently I have to turn down the deep fried goodness that the area's restaurants have to offer as well as the meats slathered in BBQ sauce. No more will I have Whataburger or the like. My diet's confined to vegetables, chicken, and fish cooked in ways that are inedible to most.

My doctor reiterated the fact that I need to exercise 24 times in the appointment. I guess I'll have to start going to the gym 4 times a week for 30-40 minutes of cardio. On top of that I plan to workout with the Kinect at home, do some boxing, maybe even dance....

"A Chicago alderman once confessed he needed physical exercise but didn't like jogging, because in that sport you couldn't hit anyone." - Andrew H. Malcolm

Feb 17, 2011

Wiwille's trivia

As most who know me understand that I love trivia games. I'm not sure why this is, but I'm a huge fan of game shows like Cash Cab, Win Ben Stein's Money (sad this didn't have a longer run), Jeopardy, and the like. I decided to rip off my friend Mattbear and post a daily trivia question on Facebook for friends to answer, hoping they make good on the promise not to use Bing in their responses.

Now you may be thinking that I rip these questions off the internet and just repost them. You would be incorrect. Sans one all of these were floating in my pea sized brain, some for many years. You'd think I'd retain important information, such as birthdays, but sadly I'm not wired for such.

With the latest interest in Watson being a contestant on Jeopardy I thought I'd post these questions here and see how my readers fare in the game of useless knowledge. Post your answers in the comments page and the first person to get the most responses correct may win an exciting prize!

The rules: No Internet searching. This includes those who are Facebook friends with me to kindly remove yourself from the game if you have been following my status updates.

1. Which Latin American country was the first in the world to abolish it's standing military?

2. What Disney film starred a pre-Bond Sean Connery?

3. The St Valentine's Day Massacre was briefly mentioned in what mob film starring Sylvester Stallone?

4. Name the film that starred Humphrey Bogart in which he received his only Oscar win for Best Actor?

5. Benny Hill co-starred in what film that was based on a book by Ian Flemming?

6. Who played the role of Cru Jones in the cinematic masterpiece that is "Rad"? Bonus points for guessing correctly who played Cru's love interest, Christian.

7. Name the first film that was partially based on a Jules Verne novel?

8. Leslie Nielsen audition for the role of a villain in which biblical epic?

9. Francis Ford Coppola originally slated and shot a few scenes with which actor for the role of Captain Willard before finally casting Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now?

10. Who was the first movie star in Oscar history to receive a nomination for Best Actor posthumously?

11. Which Indian performer is more commonly referred to in the US as Benny Lava?

12. Riddle of the day as told to me by a nine year old: What's more powerful than God, more evil than Satan, the poor have it, and the rich don't need it?

13. What's was Cary Grant's given name?

14. Marlon Brando directed one film in his entire career. Which film was it?

15. Which popular video game was the basis for a Broadway musical of the same name?

16. Which famous singer kissed the ground where Elvis once stood at Sun Studios in Memphis?

17. Ian Flemming had an estate in the Bahamas. What name did the James Bond creator give his Caribbean home?

18. Hunter S Thompson was credited for creating and writing which television show? He also had an uncredited cameo appearance in two episodes.

19. Name Walt Disney Studios' first completely live action feature film.

20. Name the US President, aka President of the United States In Congress Assembled, who presided when our first constitution, the Articles of Confederation, was ratified.

21. Thomas Berger wrote the famous (and one of my favorite) novel 'Little Big Man' which was based on his interviews of who? Berger called this person "either the most neglected hero in the history of this country or a liar of insane proportions."

22. Which city is believed to be the first in the country to name a street after Martin Luther King Jr?

23. Name the first actor to ever portray James Bond on screen.

24. Name the vice president of the Confederate States of America. Yes I'm talking about the government of secession and not the system that was in place before the ratification of our Constitution.

25. Who was the first US President that didn't use a Bible when taking the oath of office?

26. Name the five US Presidents who played college football.

27. Hitler had a portrait of what American hanging in one of his private quarters?

"Why is it trivia? People call it trivia because they know nothing and they are embarrassed about it." - Robbie Coltrane

Feb 16, 2011

Machine wins at trivia, waits to unleash the Cylons.

The wife was flipping through channels last night. Yes I do let her have the power of the remote. Yes I'm comfortable with my masculinity.

Anyways she realized Jeopardy was on. Knowing I'm a fan of the show she graciously flipped to it. We were in the middle of the first round when we saw some kind of machine called Watson answering questions against Ken Jennings and some other guy I didn't recall. The both of us were confused as we were unfamiliar with this premise. Was it buzzing in for audience members? What was up with the percentages? Why does it talk all creepy?

We were brainstorming what the hell was going on, but the intro before the second round answered all of our questions. It became an infomercial for IBM, the creator of Watson, and instead of detailing the creation and function of the machine it became an obvious promo targeted towards investors. Disappointing as that was, it was still an interesting device.

Watson was kicking all kinds of ass until the Final Jeopardy question arose. The category was US Cities. The answer was something along the lines of 'This city's largest airport is named after a WWII hero, and it's second largest is named after a WWII battle'. Both of the humans guessed correctly with Chicago, but Watson's answer was Toronto. Toronto, a city not even located in the US was the machine's best answer.

Still Watson swept the floor with the humans and had so much money it was clearly the winner by a large margin even with it's incorrect answer at Final Jeopardy. At no point did it ask about the whereabouts of Sarah Conner so I guess the human race is safe....for now....

"I don't gamble, because winning a hundred dollars doesn't give me great pleasure. But losing a hundred dollars pisses me off." - Alex Trebek

Feb 15, 2011

Movies you don't need to see.

There are movies that are so bad that for whatever reason never escape your memory. Films like 'Gods and Generals', 'The Human Centipede: First Sequence', and 'Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace' have a way of staying in your memory whether you like it or not. Terrible as these films may be they do have at least one redeeming quality that make them somewhat memorable. We all can recall the duel with Obi-Wan and Darth Maul and whoever was unlucky enough to bear witness to 'The Human Centipede' will always have that one scene ingrained in their skull. You know what I'm talking about.

There are those movies; however, that are so worthless you know you've seen them, but you cannot recall a single thing about the plot. No matter how hard you try you simply cannot bring to memory a single scene. Below are the films that I know I've viewed, but happen to be such tripe I can't bring myself to give you any kind of synopsis:

The Quest:
I saw this in the theater thanks to a girl I was dating who thought Van Damme was the hottness. I have no idea what took place in this film, but I'm guessing Van Damme fights a bunch of people for some honorable goal. I think I'm right about this.

Ernest Goes to Camp:
My friend Kyle brought this up recently, but again I can't recall what it's about. I'm sure Ernest tries to save a summer camp as is common with these movies, but who the hell knows?

Passenger 51:
Does anyone remember anything about this movie other than the line "Always bet on black?"

Something to Talk About:
I'm guessing there's a good reason you can't recall this.

Bye Bye Love:
With such a great cast it's disappointing that all I remember is that the males in the film hang at a McDonalds.

Beverly Hills Cop Part III:
This is the beginning of the end of Eddie Murphy starring in watchable films. Again I have no idea what the adventures of Axel Foley were in this dreck.

Money Talks:
I know I saw this. Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen were in it. I think it's a blessing I don't recall a single thing about it.

Double Team:
All I remember is that Van Damme and Dennis Rodman star in it. I did see it in the theater, but I believe it had to be so bad I forced it from memory.

I'll post more as I think about them in the future.

"One wonders where the Eddie Murphy of 48 Hours and Trading Places has gone. The irreverence is still there, but there's no verve or freshness." - James Berardinelli

Feb 14, 2011

Wiwille lights fire, ends poorly.

Friday night the wife and I had my brother in-law, his wife, and my sister in-law over for drinks and games. Kelly suggested I light up a Duraflame to which I did. I head back into the kitchen and see smoke billowing out of the fireplace.

Holy hell I forgot that I closed the flue the other day. I ran over to the fireplace, open the flue, latch it so it would remain open, and walk away. The flames started reaching upward which was a good sign. The wife was nervous that something would go wrong, but I assured her everything was ok as I had everything under control.

I make my way back to the kitchen to grab myself a drink. We all started talking amongst ourselves, but then Kelly noticed smoke rising towards the ceiling. I go to the fireplace and find that the flue has decided to unlatch itself and was halfway open. Flames did shoot up the chimney, making it impossible for me to open it again without getting a third degree burn. We decided it would be in everyone's best interest if I use the one use fire extinguisher.

Kelly couldn't even look as I grabbed the thing from under the kitchen and made a horrible mess. The white fireplace was all kinds of gray and the place smelled like the inside of a BBQ grill. Russ and I open all the windows and doors as the wife, Kristy, and Kenzie huddled near the front door.

These events did not amuse Kelly. She stated with a wry smile that I was lucky we had company. It kind of reminded me of the time my mother chased Dad and I with a broom after a wrestling match resulted in breaking a closet door. Damaging a woman's home can inspire wrath that will make a man surrender faster than the French. Thankfully Kelly was very composed.

I kept a smile as she busted out cleaning products and Kristy attempted to keep things in good humor. Four of us started scrubbing the fireplace, but the wife decided that using rags wouldn't suffice. She busted out a cleaning item, but I wasn't paying attention to what exactly it was. Sprinkles of water and solution hit my face, but then Kristy announced the following:

"Is that a toilet brush?"

I jumped back from the fireplace announcing that my face was awash in the remnants of said brush, but Kelly announced it was not a toilet brush that was being employed. We then cleaned as much as humanly possible, but the fireplace continued to have a grayish tint.

Kristy stated this whole event reminded her of a sitcom, which I can see. The heavy set, bungling husband screws something up, the out of his league wife gets annoyed and attempts to fix it, in-laws are poking fun at said event, and in the end we all made up and had a good time playing games and drinking. Thankfully this was not filmed before a live studio audience.

Well there may or may not be video of the aftermath...

Happy St Valentine's Day, or Single Appreciation Day, to the fine folks who read One Bad Apple!

"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself." - Robert Orben

Feb 13, 2011

Wiwille's movie reviews part 77.

My brother in-law has a thing for bad horror films. He recommends them to me with almost a sadistic glee. So recently he decided that the wife and I sit down in front of the tube and watch 'Teeth', a girl power film about a teenage virgin with teeth in her vagina, who uses her gift to enact revenge on those who've wronged and/or voilated her. I'm sure every girl has wanted this talent at some point in their life.

I wisely decided this would not equate to a qaulity viewing experience with my wife, so I'm going to watch it alone and write a real-time review. As always, the un-edited results, complete with spoilers, are below:

9:40 AM 2/13/2011 A nice pan shot of a nuclear power plant. Not sure what that's supposed to mean. I still have trouble pronouncing nuclear correctly. Most of my life I said in a similar manner that our former President employed. It's about the only thing we two have in common, well that and our love for beer.
9:42 AM 2/13/2011 Well that was a disturbing scene. Supposedly this movie is about a girl with teeth in her vagina. A boy and a girl are playing in a white trash wading pool. Suddenly the boy has a cut on his finger. I do not like it.
9:43 AM 2/13/2011 I wonder how this script was pitched. I can see a man talking fast about his idea of a girl with genital mutilation in a room full of suits. Someone thought this would make for great entertainment.
9:44 AM 2/13/2011 Awe a lecture about how the loss of virginity is a gift. Why they didn't cast Bristol Palin is anyone's guess. This girl is talking about promise rings, and how she'll only trade it in when she gets a wedding ring.
9:46 AM 2/13/2011 Hearing speeches from older men about the evils of masterbation is as pleasant as watching a porn starring Roseanne.
9:50 AM 2/13/2011 There's a half naked step-brother shooting a pellet gun at something. He's got ugly tatoos.
9:51 AM 2/13/2011 Awe the poor virgin is the source of mockery. Yeah it's too be expected in movies like this.
9:52 AM 2/13/2011 I'm watching a sex ed class that has medical drawing of the vagina censored. Does this take place in Texas?
9:54 AM 2/13/2011 The older step-brother from the previously mentioned pool scene is showing his finger scar to his skank of the week. The plot, it doth thicken.
9:58 AM 2/13/2011 This is a first in movies when a guy tries to feed his girl a dog treat. Truly the mark of great cinema.
9:58 AM 2/13/2011 I remember girls like her in high school who preached the good word of keeping your panties under lock and key. Sometimes I wonder if they just wanted to name any excuse not to sleep with me
10:07 AM 2/13/2011 Wife called. I love her for she's never openly expressed to me how she'd like to cut off my manhood. Well that and many other things.
10:08 AM 2/13/2011 The virgin is getting horny. For whatever reason thunderstorms and old sci-fi films really do it for her. Awe she's imagining her wedding night with her dweeby looking love interest, only to be interrupted by an image of a mutant scorpion.
10:14 AM 2/13/2011 The poor teacher is trying to teach evolution and how it benefits survival.
10:15 AM 2/13/2011 Why is it that the first bit of gratudious nudity involves naked man ass?
10:15 AM 2/13/2011 I'm glad I didn't have a cell phone in high school. I wouldn't have to be broken up with while I'm naked in a locker room with a bunch of man ass surrounding me.
10:17 AM 2/13/2011 The virgin is trying to have a serious talk with her older pot smoking loser of a step brother. He's making fun of her and her virginity as to be expected.
10:18 AM 2/13/2011 Surprisingly this girl is doing a far better job of acting than this script should allot.
10:19 AM 2/13/2011 She's wearing a shirt now that says 'Warning, sex changes everything'. I don't think it would have the effect she's going for.
10:20 AM 2/13/2011 Awe the virgin and her dweeby boyfriend are staring at each other in their swimsuits. Young love is such a grand thing.
10:20 AM 2/13/2011 Really little has happened since the opening credits.
10:21 AM 2/13/2011 I kind of feel for Captain Dweeb. He seems like a nice chap as does she. At some point he's going to unravel the mystery that is the Jaws vagina, and this shall not end well for him.
10:24 AM 2/13/2011 Virgin and Captain Dweeb are making out. She's resisting reminding him of his sacred promise. Damnit. Captain Dweeb is turning into a madman. He just cried out stating that he hasn't jerked off since Easter. I'm not a prude or anything, but wouldn't jerking off on the day of Christ's resurrection be a sin of the highest order?
10:26 AM 2/13/2011 Well captain dweeb has indeed forced himself on the virgin and has paid a terrible price. His manhood is now residing in a cave next to a swimming hole. The close up of his dismembered junk wasn't really necessary.
10:28 AM 2/13/2011 One would assume if a guy suddenly lost his penis to the gaping teeth of a vagina one would pick it up and run to the hospital. Perhaps I'm different.
10:31 AM 2/13/2011 She seems to be handling rape that ends with a severed penis rather well.
10:33 AM 2/13/2011 I don't care what they're saying, kids chanting anything is creepy.
10:35 AM 2/13/2011 The music is some of the worst I've ever heard.
10:36 AM 2/13/2011 Another dude asked the ex-virgin out. She replied that is was funny, but apologized. He just got punched by the step-brother.
10:37 AM 2/13/2011 The victim now returns to the scene of the crime. His penis is till there being food for a crab. Yes that just happened.
10:38 AM 2/13/2011 She's now taking off her promise ring and dropping it off a cliff. Because I'm so starved for entertainment I was kind of hoping that the Top Gun theme would play in the background.
10:40 AM 2/13/2011 She's now getting to the bottom of this mystery thanks to the joys of the internet. Remember when bad movies of old would have teens sitting around a library? Those were the days.
10:41 AM 2/13/2011 Oh dear. She's now at the doctor's office, who had terrible landscaping.
10:42 AM 2/13/2011 This poor doctor. Eight years of schooling to find the greatest medical find ever. Sure enough ex-virgin can't tell him what's going on down there. She's too shy to say it and lets him examine her.
10:45 AM 2/13/2011 Oh my he's went all 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle on Her'. I'm so glad I'm a guy.
10:45 AM 2/13/2011 Is every guy in this movie a complete asshole?
10:46 AM 2/13/2011 So this girl's agent said to her you'll play someone who's vagina dismembers the fingers and penises of men who attempt to take advantage of you. She said 'Yay I'm going to be a movie star!'
10:51 AM 2/13/2011 She's cursed with something called 'Vagina Dentada'. It sounds like 'Akuna Matada'.
10:52 AM 2/13/2011 She's confessed her Jaws vagina to a guy who has a crush on her. He decided to try and seduce her by lighting candles and being really nice. I hope he loses his junk. Someone that stupid deserves to be taken out of the gene pool.
10:55 AM 2/13/2011 She's falling for the seduction and after two tramatic experiences decides intercourse is a splendid idea. Actually it seemed to go very well.
10:59 AM 2/13/2011 So apparently her vagina can be welcoming at times. Only when it's violated does it seem to react poorly.
11:00 AM 2/13/2011 So the guy crush is a bad person after all.
11:01 AM 2/13/2011 Yeah, seeing another severed penis is an image I really didn't need.
11:03 AM 2/13/2011 No. I do not need to see penis reattachement surgery. No I do not.
11:07 AM 2/13/2011 The plot thickens even deeper. Apparently the white trash step brother let the mother die. So now it's time for revenge. What better way to employ this than with a little genital mutilation?
11:11 AM 2/13/2011 Yes she's sleeping with her step-brother. It's going to get even more surreal.
11:12 AM 2/13/2011 Revenge is a dish best served with a side of dismembered penis.
11:12 AM 2/13/2011 This is far more graphic than it needs to be.
11:13 AM 2/13/2011 Apparently dogs like Penis & Bits.
11:16 AM 2/13/2011 The girl is leaving town with her Jaws vagina. An old creepy guy has picked her up. He's locked her in the car. She gives him a seductive look. Roll credits.
11:17 AM 2/13/2011 Well that was a painful experience.
11:21 AM 2/13/2011 Line from the credits: "No man was harmed during the making of this film."

For a dark comedy/horror film it wasn't that bad. If you truly want to see how long you can keep your legs crossed for an hour and a half then this movie is for you.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"After Dawn comes to understand her remarkable genital gift, it's pretty much one can-you-top-this gross-out scene after another." - Andrew O'Hehir

Feb 11, 2011


Last night my brother in-law invited me to attend a mens group consisting of a gathering of guys from the housing community at a local restaurant's bar. I had no idea what to expect when I arrived, but I admit I was hoping we'd all sit around a fire cooking game some hunter has killed with nothing but a Bowie knife while drinking numerous pints of stout beer. Afterward we would descend into a basement for some bare knuckle boxing. The winners would engage in an axe throwing contest with scantily clad females with pigtails nursing the wounds of the losers.

The tax bracket of the community I moved into includes the insanely wealthy to middle class. It's a fairly economically diverse place and it has it's charms. Keeping with the medieval theme the streets are named after Anglo-Saxon and Norman royalty. Some are fictional, such as King Aurthur and even Lady of the Lake while others are based around folks that actually existed. The outer walls resemble something out of a middle ages village, but not as battle hardened. Sadly they don't have hot oil stains or heads on pikes.

I go to the bar and introduce myself to the various men sitting around. All seemed like nice professional fellas who just wanted an excuse for guy time. One gent reminded me of a poor man's Peter Gallagher:We made small talk and my brother in-law's friend, Jeff, announced I was from the northern region, otherwise known as Canada in some circles.

Jeff: He's Canadian.
Paul: But he's not Canadian in so much as we refer to other people as Canadian.

For reasons that are unclear to me some folks in Texas refer to black people as Canadian. I'm not kidding. I will get to the bottom of this linguistic mystery so help me.

As I understand it, some people in the area also refer to my neighborhood as Dubai. I'm not sure why as there are no people of Arabic or even Persian descent that occupy our streets, but we do have many Indians. World geography is not their strength I guess. Mumbai would make sense.

It was suggested to me that I do not let my wife join one of the area's womens' club. When I asked why they all just lowered their heads and just asked me to trust them on this. When faced with this I'm compelled to go all super sluethy. Maybe I've been watching too many movies, but I imagine it's some sort of book club that's a gateway to a lesbian cult that worships snakes, which is actually kind of cool. There's something dark going on in this community and I'm going to expose it.

We sat and shared laughs with drinks in hand and nachos on the table. The diversity of the mens' style intrigued me. I showed up as my usual scruffy self as was the guy sitting next to me. My brother in-law was casual, but others looked like they obviously worked in sales with their polo shirts and khaki pants. Still they were all friendly and never pretentious. Personable and fun, the men there made for a good evening. None annoyed me as there was not one in attendance that was skirting the line of a Rogaine overdose nor was there the overpowering smells of too much bad cologne. They were simply good people and I look forward to sharing drinks with them again, and to unravel the mystery of my new home community. I know there's got to be one....

"There have been makeup artists who've asked if my eyebrows are real." - Peter Gallagher.

Feb 10, 2011

Thursday Music

Last night I finally finished the series 'Battlestar Gallactica'. Yes I know. Go ahead and welcome me to 2005. I enjoyed the show far better than I thought I would.

*Spoiler alert*

In the last couple of seasons the song "All Along the Watchtower" played a prominent role in the series. When it was first played they used a cover I was unfamiliar with. They used part of the intro in many episodes as a tool for the fleet's search of a home planet, even incorporating some of the lyrics into the dialogue.

What's strange is that whenever I heard it I always thought of the Hendrix cover and not the original. I've always loved the song, but Jimi, in my humble opinion, gave it the best treatment. Corey IM'd me a while back stating how he recently gave "All Along the Watchtower" a good listen for the first time and ended up falling in love with the lyrics and melody. He admitted he's heard it a number of times, but never really gave the song much thought until he focused in on what Dylan was trying to say. I was a bit taken aback as my friend's never been much of a Hendrix fan, or Dylan for that matter, but suddenly he was interested in learning more about Renton's favorite son.

Like Corey it was the song that got me hooked on Jimi Hendrix so many years ago and I've never stopped loving it. So today dear readers I bring you two versions of the song I so love (Youtube won't grace me with the Bob Dylan version sadly):

"Democracy don't rule the world, You'd better get that in your head; This world is ruled by violence, But I guess that's better left unsaid." - Bob Dylan

Feb 8, 2011

Overrated films part 28

I want you to try and contain your shock as I state this, but I've never seen 'Blue Velvet' until last night. This is mostly a result of a love/hate relationship with all things David Lynch. While I enjoy 'The Elephant Man' the rest of his work, even those movies I do like, make little to no sense. It's difficult to broadcast such feelings to other film geeks as Lynch fans defend his work with a religious zeal. Most, if they spoke with any honesty, look down upon me as one who 'doesn't get it' or use it as a direct attack on my intellect.

It pains me to feel as if I'm missing the party. As with any overrated product in any medium I feel like the kid who happens to hate the current game being enjoyed by everyone else on the playground. Hate may be a strong word as highly regarded pop culture works usually have at least something redeeming about it. I try to avoid conversation with Lynch fans about his work as it's similar to a debate with an evolutionist vs a creationist. No matter how many facts and figures are thrown into the discourse neither side will bend.

'Blue Velvet' is a difficult movie to review as I'm late to the party. It's a noir film set in the 50s concerning a young college student, Jeffery, returning to his home town when his father falls ill. He comes across a human ear laying in a field and reports it to the police. Frustrated with the cops seeming incompetence with their investigation he decides to be his one amateur sleuth with the assistance of the lead detective's daughter.

He follows the trail to a nightclub singer's apartment, where he finds a twisted plot that involves a sadist, drug addled Frank Booth. Ever the seemingly invincible villain typical in noir films, Frank has kidnapped the singer's husband and child so she will engage in S&M acts. As Frank leaves Jeffery is engulfed in the drama in manners you might expect from a story of this nature.

The opening scene of the film is shot deep in symbolism, but the problem is I enjoy images steeped in allegory when it's subtle. In this film the editor decided to hammer into the audience what each visual was about, which I found a little insulting. Maybe at the time it was released in 1986 audiences, at least American movie goers, needed that to be done, but I quickly became bored seeing shots of grisly looking bugs beneath the soil of a perfectly manicured lawn that seemed to go on for what felt like forever. We get it. Let's move on.

What's bizarre about this film is the scenes taking place in the picture perfect town of Lumberton uses cliched, wooden dialogue that would best be used in an old pulp novel, but when Lynch delivers us the underbelly of the city the actors are forced to take on a new method of speech resembling little of what we saw previously. Consequently the acting suffers greatly.

I'm sure the violent scenes, especially when the nightclub singer was humiliated in any number of ways sexual and otherwise, were very unpleasant at the time (1986) and in a way it still is, but the way it's portrayed here feels uneven, especially given the fact that we're asked to accept it coinciding with the facade of a town that only exists in old sitcoms. We all know Lynch likes to see the dark side of humanity, especially when society presents itself in an almost perfect manner, but it seems a bit heavy handed in both manners.

All that being said there's a lot to like about this film. I really enjoyed it, flaws and all. It became a very interesting noir story, a genre I do find as a guilty pleasure. Even though the acting isn't great, it's convincing enough and Dennis Hopper has a lot of fun with the role of the madman Frank. The dialogue, while silly at times, is very quotable. If you don't have a weak stomach I can recommend this, but upon first viewing I don't get why it's received so many accolades. My only guess is that most viewers back in 1986 have never seen anything like it before.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"Weird for weird's sake isn't enough; there has to be something more." - David Nusair

Feb 7, 2011

Super Bowl in Texas

My first hosting of a Super Bowl in Texas was a success. Listed below are the highs and lows:

The good:
- The game was indeed a good one. Both teams played high caliber football. A few penalties were dealt, but to be expected. Otherwise we witnessed some top notch defense.
- The gathering was small, but had my favorite people.
- The food. My father in-law rocked the grill with stuffed hamburgers, his fiance delivered some excellent beans, my sister in-law made what was quite possibly the best chili I've ever consumed, and the wife cooked an excellent dessert. Oh I made queso.
- While I don't hate the Steelers as much as most Northwest natives, it was kind of cool seeing them lose.
- Mike Tomlin showed real class in defeat.
- They broadcasted one of my favorite commercials of recent years:

The bad:
- I know it's kind of trendy to hate the Black Eyed Peas, but I can't think of a worse halftime performance in recent memory. Actually it should go down as one of the worst television concerts period. I didn't expect much from the world's most overrated cover band, but the audio was awful, the shrieking done by Fergie was as pleasant as a punch in the crotch, and the weird sperm shaped dancers made for a show that had little to no connection to it's audience.
- Most of the car commercials weren't clever at all.
- I then learned the world would be subjected to yet another Micheal Bay film, which is about as necessary as another Home Alone sequel.
- Grocery shopping the day before the Super Bowl = One of the worst ideas I've ever had.
- I missed the part where Christina flubbed the national anthem. I usually hate modern renditions of the song anyways so I always make it a point to skip them. Still that would've been comical.
- I wished I would've recorded the Puppy Bowl and flipped to that during that awful halftime show.

"I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl." - Gilbert Gottfried

Feb 4, 2011

There be no bluebird.

I'd never thought I'd say this, but I'm snowed in. Yes the Lone Star state is experiencing a winter wonderland of sorts. Snow is falling as I type and it's covering a sheet of ice that's been growing for the past few days. With the flakes covering what is now roads that are little more than a skating rink offices and schools are closed for the day. Thankfully I can work from home.

So here I am in Dallas experiencing more snow in a day than Seattle does in an entire year. It's actually not difficult to navigate as there's little in the way of hills here. If it weren't for the fog one could see a wintery blanket covering the landscape for miles. Our brick neighborhood is quiet as most are staying indoors unwilling to brave the elements. Puffs of smoke are slowing escaping chimneys as others who haven't purchased Duraflame logs are seeing their savings accounts dwindle with their raising heating costs. Rolling blackouts have become the norm as the state's power infrastructure is not equipped to handle the spike.

Yes it's a snowpocalypse in North Texas and I couldn't be happier. Not only is it beautiful, but it kind of reminds me of home.

"As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words." - William Shakespeare

Feb 3, 2011

I don't get it.

As a trend that will seemingly never die, zombies have continued to be all the rage. I don't really get why the slow moving flesh eaters are so endearing to most, but they're everywhere in all forms of pop culture. Fairly recently they've been the subject of Jane Austen adaptations, movie parodies, and it appears that every video game released since 2008 needs to have an undead level as if every developer swore a blood oath to do so.

I never found zombies entertaining. By their very nature they have no interesting qualities and are one dimensional. That said they give a lot of room for a protagonist(s) to have fun, but they leave little to play off of. Still the fascination with zombies permeate pop culture in ways that elude my thinking. I get vampires, at least they're an antagonist someone can communicate with and even relate to, but zombies?

I still get all sorts of jokes and what not regarding the upcoming zombie apocalypse. I guess people really enjoy the idea of killing things that really aren't alive and are seemingly harmless since walking at a brisk pace is the best way to elude them. Maybe folks are tired of humanity and want to see our heard thinned a bit. Maybe zombies mask our desire to see Darwin in action and throw another natural, or unnatural in this case, predator to the mix. I assume most people I know only want to see a zombie outbreak in my new home state.

Still if by any chance a zombie outbreak should arise, I shall always double tap.

"I also have always liked the monster within idea. I like the zombies being us. Zombies are the blue-collar monsters." - George Romero