Dec 29, 2006
That new fad is a fake scrodum hanging from the rear bumpers of trucks. Seriously some jack asses, who happen to drive trucks, think it's very clever or manly to place a nut sack on their trucks for all to see. To all of you who do feel it necessary to display fake testicles on automobiles I have this to say:
You are not cool, tough, or funny. You are simply a dipshit who got beat up a lot in high school and are trying, make that failing, to mask your true sexual identity. Especially you the one I saw on I-5 with testes dangling from the back of a Mazda pickup. Yeah you.
I'm not one to condone vandalism, but I encourage all to carry a hammer in your cars and when you come across one of these displays in your mall parking lot, well smash it into a million pieces. You women out there need to stop sleeping with men who have these on their autos. If you're man shows any desire to place this accessory on their vehicle simply stop getting naked. They'll soon comply. Please, it's for the good of mankind that these be stopped at all costs.
Ahh I feel better now knowing that each and every one of you will fight the good fight against testicle performance art.
"A day of crusin around on your motorcycle is just not complete unless you have a pair of hawg nuts hanging off the back for everyone to see. Nuts on your motorcycle hitch. Chrome Balls. Women love a man with a nice big one pound solid set of nuts slapped on the back of their Harley!" - Bumpernuts.com
"A lot of people have been in and out of this thing. Everyone thinks they have something to say, until they're put on stage and asked to say it."
They make a solid point actually. Considering how many of the 'amateur' blogs I see come and go in my year plus span of opining online I wonder if my time is coming. I've said mostly everything I want to say about various subjects and most of my posts are starting to seem redundant. The group blog I write for, Billy Ocean Student Council Treasurer, has already suffered a lack of content and it hasn't been up for a year yet. Will amateur blogs soon go by the wayside and of consequence will we only see 'professional' blogs that bring us nothing more than sound byte musings?
That being said I do hope that the folks on my blogroll will still continue to bring me entertainment for years to come.
My life is nothing like Tucker Max, nor is my existence plagued with strife; however, I do hope that I can find something to write about for years to come regardless if it has anything to do with politics, strange news stories, and boobs.
"I realized that there are a great number of things that I would have posted to my blog a year ago, but I won't now." - Joichi Ito
Blogging 'set to peak next year'
Dec 27, 2006
I woke up a little too early today and flipped on the tube to get my dose of news. Instead of getting information about the latest attempt to get Israel and the Palestinians back to the negotiating table I consumed all I could take of the legacy of Gerald Ford. After hearing the 13th debate about the pros and cons of his presidential pardon one of one our country's most crooked leaders I decided to start flipping channels.
I then came across a network I never knew existed, which is Fox Reality. The folks at Murdoch Empire created a channel dedicated to reality television. You can watch shows such as Temptation Island, Joe Millionaire, and others as well as hear the latest news on all your favorite attention whores...err...reality stars. Oh and most of it is hosted by Kennedy.
Now some of you love reality television and you don't want to hear me get into a long winded spiel about how depraved such viewing habits are. Well since it's the holiday season I'll spare you such rants.
But, yes there's always a 'but', I will write about one show they do have on the network called 'My Bare Lady'. The premise? Well they take four porn stars and enroll them into a London acting school to have them learn and perform Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet. Of course I watched the entire episode. I'm such a hypocrite.
Yes you read that right. Porn stars and Shakespeare, a match made in thespian hell. What's next for this channel? Pro wrestlers doing ballet? Tom Delay teaching ethics?
I showed this to a friend of mine who immediately recognized one of the star's previous work. I found it funny that I've never heard of any of these girls. Me of all people.
"To grasp the full significance of life is the actor's duty, to interpret it is his problem, and to express it his dedication." - Marlon Brando
Enjoy the clips:
Dec 26, 2006
I was at my sister's home watching her sons unwrap their presents cheering in delight about the new Star Wars toys they just acquired. I delight in watching that scene every year as Christmas with the family is really about giving joy to the children.
I finally started unwrapping my first gift from my Grandma. By the feel of the present I knew it was going to be a book. Was it Hemingway, Kissinger, Hunter S Thompson, or any other author she knew I would enjoy? I pressed on unwrapping the book only to reveal it was 'Culture Warrior' by Bill O'Reilly. Yes the falafel king wrote another book about the secular progressives trying to hijack your traditional values and twist our nation to the point where our schools would be a Romanesque orgy.
Yes thankfully my Grandmother doesn't read this blog. I also didn't get a lot of things I did want for Christmas, which was:
1. An editor for this blog.
2. A threesome with Salma Hayek and Scarlette Johannson.
3. A trip to the Super Bowl.
4. Reese's Pieces.
Sadly I did not receive any of these things this year. I guess I've been naughty.
"You want to have two guys making out in front of your 4-year-old? It's OK with them. A guy smoking a joint, blowing the smoke into your little kid's face? OK with them. And I'm not exaggerating here. This is exactly what the secular movement stands for." - Bill O'Reilly
Dec 22, 2006
Seriously I wish everyone a safe and good Holiday.
Merry Christmas from the folks..err folk..at Erik's Ramblings!
"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" - Bill Watterson
At first it seemed like a great idea as I've seen a few films in the theatres this year, but it made me sad to think about my movie going habits as of late. When I was a younger lad I lived for the art house flick, the one that was made seemingly outside the studio system. Films that challenged my brain and ones that offered quirky, unconventional plots were my bag and I reveled in watching them.
For a couple years I worked at a movie theatre and me and my cohorts would often look down our noses at the massive audiences who bought into the studio hype and believed the tripe they just saw was the greatest thing to ever hit celluloid. Most of our customers didn't want a film to challenge their beliefs, or make them think at all. They simply wanted to be entertained. We laughed at them as they came out of 'The Saint' all joyous about what they just witnessed.
As I thought more about the films I chose to see in the multiplex this year I realized that God forbid I'm turning into those people. I'm burnt on art house dramas that are supposed to seem profound. I'm bored by quirky comedies that are supposed to be clever, but really just the same joke for an hour plus. Small 'indie' films are no longer this cinema buff's hero, but rather the genre really seems to have been getting stale. So many are just one trick ponies that after the first ten minutes the film becomes predictable and lifeless. Maybe I enjoy them less because of my own life becoming more and more yuppie and far less introspective.
Remember the time you recently watched something you loved in your youth and you accepted the realization it's nothing more than a big block of government cheese? Yeah that's how I felt when going over the list of films I watched this year.
Enough about my own personal reflection. Lets get to the good stuff, which is a list I know most of you will disagree with. Favorite films in no particular order:
1. United 93 - I asked many people to come watch this with me. Everyone flat out said no. No one himmed and hawed, but everyone quickly denied me their company and of course had to give their reason why without my asking. Some said it was too soon to be making a film about this subject. Others claimed it was exploitative. There were also those who just didn't want to relive the emotions they felt on that tragic day. All are good reasons not to go see this film and I understand their sentiment. I do; however, feel that the story of the passengers on that flight does need to be told and the sooner the better.
I finally saw it when it came out on DVD and kick myself for not watching it on the big screen. The acting, pacing, cinematography, and direction was done so well that I found myself on the edge of my seat through out the last half of the film, which was ridiculous when you consider I knew how it was going to end. This film is a glowing tribute to those who gave their lives so others may be saved. It wasn't hammed up. It wasn't sappy. There were no big name actors. You didn't get to know the characters well. It simply was a great telling of ordinary people reacting to an extraordinary circumstance.
2. The Departed - I can't remember the last time I walked out of a theatre asking myself if a film couldn't get any better. All of the elements of this movie were superbly crafted. This is the result of a director who's a master of his craft and it's just amazing how he made a simple cops and robbers concept into a masterpiece. I could go on for pages about each and every detail that made this film unique. It's simply a work of genius.
3. Clerks II - I have a love/hate relationship with the work of Kevin Smith. There are many who blindly worship at the altar of pop culture's favorite slacker geek turned icon, but I, like many passive fans, find myself disappointed in a lot of his work. This film; however, is a much more mature telling of the View Askew universe and unlike the first movie it gave his characters a soul. To somehow who sometimes feels they've heard every joke I found myself genuinely laughing at this. It's not highbrow cinema by any means, but it's one of those comedies where not one chuckle I gave seemed forced. This is a far superior ending the the Jersey Chronicles than Jay and Silent Bob.
4. Superman Returns - The villain's plot is hockey and makes no sense, they still can't get a Lois Lane who can act well, and the man in tights is no Christopher Reeves, but there's one moment that made me love it. I watched it on IMAX with my nephews in 3-D and there's a sequence with the man of steel flying through the clouds soaring off the screen into the sky. That moment made me feel just as childlike as the seven year old sitting next to me and for that reason I love this film. For a few seconds I believed a man could fly.
5. Why We Fight - Usually when you hear the words 'Industrial Military Complex' people normally associate it with some far fetched conspiracy theory. This film though takes us into the real world of the mass manufacturing and selling of death and it's effect on our world politics. The result is terrifying. I almost find it depressing that heavy handed documentaries such as Fahrenheit 9/11 get such praise while this arguably more important and intelligent film will soon be forgotten.
Whew I think that's enough. Now to the worst. I never saw anything really terrible this year as you won't find me shelling out dough to see Big Momma's House 2, but the bad films on this list was more disappointing than anything. 1. The DaVinci Code - Yes the book was so poorly written it almost made the works of Dean Koontz seem like Pulitzer material, but the concept was interesting enough to make any screenwriter abandon it's flaws and make a compelling story with characters that actually seemed human. Sadly the book has so many fans they chose to stick too close to the source material and the results suffered. If one thing good can be said about this film it's the fact that it exposed the books numerous weak points and will hopefully result in the material being soon forgotten. 2. The Break Up - I wanted this movie to be good and now I don't understand how it could've been. You've all been in the car rides or the dinners where you watch your friends bicker with their significant other. It's uncomfortable all the while sad as you watch them go through the misery of not being able to put their emotional houses in order. This film is like that except they're not your friends. They are simply selfish, manipulative, and trivial people inflicting pain on each other because of their frustration at the failed relationship. We may have been those people once, or still for that matter, but watching that on screen was hardly entertaining nor as enlightening as the filmmakers thought it was.
What a huge post for a really short list. I need an editor.
“Films don't change the world, but they can make people talk. And they can make you look at the world with fresh eyes. This movie provides a credible, authentic portrait of that day, and it allows us to draw some wisdom from it. Wherever you sit politically, we are all in that same stage of being wounded and trying to figure what to do next. Those people on United 93 had the courage to confront what we're all dealing with. The question is, do we?” - Paul Greengrass
Dec 20, 2006
Now enter Rosie O'Donnell, who I swear will say anything to keep herself in the headlines. She criticized the annoying billionaire for not being the best judge of character being of loose morals himself. He shot back in a candid, childish manner which insured this story will stay with us for a while.
I for one make no judgements on the behavior of any of the parties involved, but I have to say I'm shocked, shocked I say, to find out that a beauty pageant contestant is an attention whore. I mean really I was always under the impression that all women who starve themselves and willingly participate in a contest that objectifies them were well adjusted individuals with the morality of our lord and savior's mother.
Okay writing this was just an excuse to post a picture of a hot woman. Mission accomplished. Today is indeed a good day.
Earlier today my team at work had a morale event where we all got together for dinner at the Coho Cafe. My co-worker and dear friend Andrea decided it would be a great idea to announce to everyone (my boss, teammates, and my boss's boss) that I enjoy musicals. She was basically trying to make the point that even seemingly masculine men have feminine traits.
My boss's boss, who I almost never see, was indeed shocked by this. She looked at me and said in her always loud voice, "I would've never guessed."
"I get that a lot," I replied.
"Well you see," she said. "Whenever I see Erik he's always got on a hat and he's scruffy and gruff and he's always like (sticks out chest, makes burly arm gesture) grrrrr....I like to drive trucks."
This elicited laughter from all involved. It seems to be a new trend here to make humorous statements about my looks. I think I'm going to shock everyone for a while and wearing nothing but slacks and button down shirts. I'll even (gasp) shave regularly. Or I could just show up naked, but I'm afraid that would just cause more hilarity for them.
“It’s a story that has happened many times before to many women and to many men who came to the Big Apple. They wanted their slice of the Big Apple, and they found out it wasn’t so easy.” - Donald Trump
Dec 19, 2006
We made our way into the garage and drove up to the gate to find it closed with no staff monitoring it. Jake got out of the car and decided to lift up the gate manually, which caused it to bust into pieces. I found this absolutely hilarious, until I realized the garage door was closed. Jake and his gal made their exit as I called security to have them open the door. Funny they didn't notice the broken gate which could've led to a bad scene, but we made our way out of there without incident.
The next evening the Pretty Girl and I headed to Mattbear's for his Holiday party. I had just woken up so I decided to check my messages. Mattbear called and told me the party was cancelled due to the fact that his house was without power. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to taste his annual white hot chocolate goodness.
"Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations, that we have forgotten, as a people, the cost of a free and undivided Republic." - John A. Logan
1:30 am rolls around and sure enough the power goes out. The emergency lights came on, but all access to computers and various other equipment was nill. Then the phone rang.
Guy: Hello this is ____ from facilities. I understand the power is out there.
Me: Yes this is true.
Guy: Well next time this happens you need to call me and inform me of this.
Me: Okay. I thought security took care of that, but I'll call you. By the way I have no idea how to get a hold of you.
Guy: My number is online.
Me: That doesn't help me.
Guy: You can just simply look it up online.
Guy: Look you're the TECH GUY. I'll make it very simple for you. You open up Internet Explorer...
Me: ....look pal. I don't mean to be a condescending prick. I'm not an asshole, but I have to inform you of the fact that computers, well they run on POWER.
Me: (listening to the wheels in his head spin)
Guy: ....well you don't have a laptop?
Guy: Well call me if you need anything. (click)
He never gave me his phone number.
In the morning people started trickling in talking about the chaos that this windstorm has brought upon us. I walked into the kitchen to get some water and saw a man standing at the Batista machine pressing the button over and over again. I just stared at him for a while till finally I spoke up.
Me: You didn't expect that to work now did you?
Him: I wish Starbucks could invent something that didn't need this thing called electricity.
He then laughed and walked away. I laughed to, not with him of course.
It's incredible how a power outage turns reasonably intelligent human beings into blithering idiots.
"Starbucks is my main fix and it's usually you people working in there - sometimes they're actually shaking. It just makes me feel horrendous because I've been in that situation." - Shirley Manson
Dec 14, 2006
This morning James, my Dr Phil loving colleague, talked about a segment where he had the creator of Bum Fights, an exploitation video where producers pay the homeless to kick the crap out of each other, on the show. According to James, Dr Phil had the guy on the show briefly before he kicked him out of the studio before even engaging in a conversation with him.
Now the clip has made it's way online and of course I watched it. Hey call me a glutton.
I hope everyone watches this and realizes what a douchebag Dr Phil really is. For those of you who are too squeamish to watch the video I posted let me give you description. First the simple minded doctor explains that the footage he's about to show is so despicable that he asks that all children leave the room. He then shows a heavily edited video depicting homeless people beating each other up, pulling out their teeth with pliers, and eating uncooked frogs. Inter cut with the actions of the bums the creator of Bum Fights talks about how he's helping them and providing a good service. Any reasonably intelligent individual can tell this was all tongue in cheek.
Now to the good stuff. At the end of the video Dr Phil yells out to someone to stop the footage, even though that the montage was clearly at it's end. You then see the creator of Bum Fights dressed like Dr Phil. He even shaved his head to look like Phil's bald spot, which I thought was kind of funny. The pious doctor then tells him to get off the stage and that he wasn't going to talk to him. The video maker with a loose sense of morals calls the host out on who the real exploiter is on stage, and Dr Phil responds with a oh so clever line of "yeah you keep telling yourself that" before security escorted him out of the building.
Dr Phil goes on to say he couldn't have an intelligent conversation with someone who creates things of that nature and refuses to publicize it. For someone who hates making horrid videos stream into the public conscious...oh I'm not even going to say it. Since you're reading this you've proven to me that you have a savvy intellect and the looks of a runway model.
Fuck Dr Phil right in the ear.
"I'm gonna be in your face 24/7! you can't escape Dr. Phil!" - Phillip C. McGraw
Dec 13, 2006
Reading this sparked interesting thoughts about this blog and why it indeed 'perplexes' her. Maybe it's the random topics, lack of coherent theme, horrid grammar, awful visuals, and/or self deprecating humor laced with pictures of hot women. This blog is simply my opinions on the absurdity of this life and I wonder if reading this does make you curious about my mental stability.
You readers are smart enough to understand that there is far more to me than what I choose to write about here. You also should be aware that I'm really not that interesting of a person. I'm an average bloke whose desires aren't unlike your own, although you may not have a strange, almost unhealthy obsession with Scarlette Johannson.
I guess there are times when I don't get myself. I look at myself in the mirror, a task I hate, and wonder why my personality is ridden with so many contradictions. I imagine Rawbean is not in the minority when she finds herself confused about what kind of person Wiwille truly is.
"I try to take people one at a time, with all the contradictions and compromises that most of us live with." - Garry Trudeau
Dec 12, 2006
Naturally much of our nation's dialogue is centered around Hillary Clinton and her possible (inevitable) run for the highest office in the land. Every talking head points out their opinion that Hillary will bring out the women vote which will almost secure her post as Commander in Chief. This is not only the opinion of overpaid media analysts, but of us common folk as well. In conversations with many people, ranging from the arrogant-never-wrong armchair self proclaimed interest group (me), to the people simply attracted to the drama of politics, to those who appreciate their news in small almost Farklike sound bytes, everyone makes this statement.
Now lets examine that now shall we?
Here we are in an arguably more enlightened age where no one can argue reasonably that someone can't do a job in politics based on gender, but suddenly we feel it's okay to make blanket statements about their voting habits? It's fine now to say that those without a penis will enter the polls and vote for the candidate with less testosterone rather than those unimportant things like say foreign policy stance? Are we just hiding our disdain for women when we say that they will not make an educated, informed decision electing to a "stick to their kind" mentality?
Is it important that we as a society evolve enough to embrace the idea of a female president? Sure by all means; however we shouldn't assume that females will skirt the issues when choosing their president. All that being said I do know people who are supporters of Hillary for reasons they don't seem to understand. When posed with the question of why do they think she'll make a good president most people stare blindly. The question they want to get asked is "Is it time for us to have a female in the Oval Office?"
Look if the office of the president didn't put the safety of the world at stake I'd like to send the same message. If someone runs against Hillary in the primary, or even the general election, that isn't as qualified as Clinton I'll support her. If the tables are turned then I'll support them, whoever they may be (McCain). I think most women will do the same.
"In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart." - Hillary Clinton
Five years. I can't believe I've been here for five friggin years. Seriously I've never had a job last this long. I can't believe they haven't fired me yet.
"What I wanted more than anything was a long career." - Terence Stamp
What was funny is that the bride belonged to the same sorority as the Pretty Girl, so frat boys were in attendance. We sat at a table with three of them and one looked like a cross between TinTin and Beetle Bailey. I was curious if his fraternity initiation involved him walking around in a army suit, peeling potatoes, and solving international mysteries.
Sunday was a smaller affair for my friend Joe was marrying his bride Megan. Catch is they had me officiating. Yep the state of Washington recognizes me, your own Wiwille, as someone who can join two people in matrimony. Only two people were in attendance so we made our way to the Volunteer Park conservatory and I gave them a brief ceremony. The couple seemed happy with the service and I'm proud that they asked me to do it.
For those of you that are curious I became an officiator through another friend of mine a few years back. They were having a wedding that was on a budget and asked me to take care of their nuptials. Crystal, the bride, pointed me to a website called The Universal Life Church, which is some sort of Unitarian ministry. You simply go there, sign up (for free!), and if your state allows it you can then preform various civil ceremonies.
So far the first couple I married are still together and I hope my track record stays the same with Joe. Joe and I have been friends for years and I wish him a great life with his new bride.
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
Dec 8, 2006
While Republicans such as Terry Jeffery and Janice Crouse are accusing the Vice President's daughter of committing an "unconscionable" act, which is sick enough, liberals seem to be acting just slightly more mature. I've read many a liberal blog and listened to even more commentators trying to use this issue to expose conservative bigotry, like we somehow weren't already aware of this.
Leave her alone people. She didn't choose to be the Vice President's daughter. Yes she wrote a book and decided to stay in the lime light, but I imagine that was partially to answer the question everyone has of what it's like to be the offspring of one of the most hated men in America today. I can understand why it's easy to dislike Dick, but leave his daughter's personal life out of your pontificating. Both sides should take the high road and just let this one go.
"Having loving and supporting parents didn't make me feel any better about the possibility of seeing my personal life splashed across newspapers and tabloids." - Mary Cheney
Dec 7, 2006
There are times though that I laugh out loud at this film. The ridiculous Grease Lightning sequence has me howling. The silly, but admittley cute, Summer Nights song cracks me up as well. Really the film isn't a total bunch of tripe, but what makes me loathe watching this is the friggin ending. When Sandy steps out in that slutty leather outfit with the huge hair I can't help but think why anyone thought that was an improvement. I found the pony tail and cheerleader outfit much hotter.
I guess that last line makes me a pervert. Oh well.
Maybe I'm getting older, but I find the films message a little disturbing. I feel having a movie tell women to tramp it up for a guy like Danny Zucco an affront to feminsim. Hey girls you want to be happy? Start smoking, look like a slut, and add a serious amount of hairspray and you'll find happiness.
The film has an appeal that spans many generations and we won't likely see it fade away anytime soon. This movie has massive following and already we've seen a few special editions of it on DVD.
Fine musicals such as Fiddler on the Roof are lost on our youth, but many people of my generation worship at the altar of Grease.
"Grease" hasn't improved much in two decades. It remains a juvenile remembrance of a mythologized '50s, a musical lacking grace." - Jeffery Westhoff
Of course the smart asses, like myself, will always say invaders. Really though my answer to why Rome fell is because of the populace's apathy. They sat in their arenas entertaining themselves having slaves feed them their pampered lives while the political classes destroyed what was once a great civilization by squandering their once plentiful resources. Yes the people of Rome, the real stakeholders in it's greatness, are the ones to blame for it's government's failures.
We are no different.
"Ancient Rome was as confident of the immutability of its world and the continual expansion and improvement of the human lot as we are today." - Arthur Erickson
Dec 5, 2006
Simon Cowell? Okay I do expect women to fantasize about someone else when they sleep with me. I mean hell I'd be surprised if they didn't, but if I found out any women prefers Simon to me I think it's time to load up on the barbiturates and take my final skydive. Ladies if you do find it in your heart to get naked with me, please at least imagine someone like Sean Connery.
The same question was posed to men and Scarlett Johansson didn't make the top ten. Instead the Brits seem to prefer Madonna, who was voted number ten. I find this odd as I don't think I can name anyone who ever really had carnal thoughts of the material girl. Not that she's ugly, but just not top ten material. I could name about a hundred other celebrities I'd rather spend quality time alone to than her.
It's time like these I'm proud to be an American.
“I would expect to be very near the top as I’m obviously extremely attractive." - Simon Cowell
Cowell is girls' sex swap idol
Dec 2, 2006
Now some are forming a new 'sister study' called fat studies. Yes you can spend thousands in higher education on the topic of big boned people. If proponents have their way one could actually major in it. Supporters of the field of study liken this to the African-American programs that are prominent throughout colleges in America.
Now I see nothing wrong with having a positive body image. In fact I think everyone should look at themselves in a bright manner, that is if they're healthy. I know weight is a touchy subject amongst a lot of people, but seriously should a heavy person look at themselves and have the self delusion that their bodies are perfectly fine when in reality their causing a lot of harm to themselves? Should a smoker, alcoholic, and/or someone who mainlines black tar heroin feel happy about their crippling addictions?
Should this even be placed amongst the same category as African-American and Women's rights? I really feel that people in favor of this are more into creating a culture of victimization rather than addressing some of the real issues facing obesity in this instant gratification society we live in.
Says one supporter of fat studies, "I'm fat. So what?"
Now I don't condone people starving themselves to simply look good, but I do believe people, including myself, should make a concerted effort to be healthy. Sad almost every successful product and service is designed to keep us from actually achieving a healthy lifestyle.
"Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with." - Roseanne
Nov 30, 2006
Now someone has developed a vibrator attachment for your Ipod. Apparently it moves to the beat the music and hey who doesn't want to have an orgasm while walking around with a MP3 player?
I'm kind of curious how the thing works. Like if it fries it's components if you leave it on Slayer. Then again any girl who can use heavy metal in their self pleasuring is a woman I want to marry.
"I've been looking at the iPod- the Apple iPod. One of the interesting things about the iPod, one of the things that people love most about it is not the technology; it's the box it comes in." - Donald Norman
Today the Ukrainian janitors watched 'Beauty and the Geek season 2' which is a reality television program. The premise is that the producers pair up some really smart geeky guys with some really hot dumb girls and give them challenges. The winners of the challenges send two teams to the elimination round where the couples have to answer questions about each other's respective interest.
It's really not that bad of a show and at least it's got good eye candy, but seriously the women they picked were about as politically aware as tree sloth. During one challenge a girl was presented a picture of John Kerry and asked who he was. She had absolutely no idea. Now you don't have to be a political animal to know this man. Then again this is America. Probably more Canadians know who the Secretary of State is than Americans.
The same woman's response to how she would solve global warming was to cease production of gaseous foods. It's amazing she has the brain capacity to operate basic motor skills.
You know you're getting older when a girl's intelligence really starts to determine how attractive they are.
I hate the Ukrainian janitors now.
"I'm just a computer geek and a homebody." - Cindy Margolis
Nov 29, 2006
Take this call I had a while back for example:
Me: I see your phone number here is listed as xx-xxx-xxx-xx (international dialing standard). Is that correct?
Customer: Uhh...my number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
Me: Yes I'm here. Thank you. That's the same number I have listed here. Is there an alternate phone number you'd like to leave with us?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
Me: Yes I'm still here. That's the primary number I have for you. Would you like to leave another phone number with us in case we have difficulty reaching you at the one you provided?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
Me: Yes I'm still here sir. (I gave up trying to get another phone number out of him.) I see your email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. Is that correct?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
Me: Yes I'm still on the line sir. I have your phone number listed correctly. Can you please confirm your email address?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
My patience is weaning, but this is a large client with a serious issue that must be handled with the greatest of care.
Me: Okay sir I understand your phone number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. I do have that listed for you and if we get disconnected I'll call you back at that number. Now I see you're having an issue with (insert long geek language technical problem).
Customer: My number is xx-xx....
Me: ...Sir. Please I don't need to know your phone number. Just please confirm that this is the issue you are having.
Customer: My number is...
Me: ...Sir please is there anyone else available that I can speak with?
Me: Great. May I speak with him please?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx.....
Me: ....Sir, sir, sir. We are having communication issues here. I need you to find someone that I can speak with in regards to the issue you are having. Please put them on the phone so we can begin getting someone to fix this issue. I no longer need your phone number.
Customer: I speak English no.
Me: You speak English no?
Customer: English no.
Me: Do you have anyone who can speak English?
Customer: English no.
Me: Okay. Your account does provide for translator services. What languages can you speak? (The customer was calling from Singapore which means he could be speaking any number of dialects and I wasn't going to wake up each and every translator just to find out which one can handle this).
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
After a few minutes the customer got frustrated and finally got someone on the phone who could speak English.
Me: Hi my name is Erik. May I have your name please?
Customer: Yes my name is Ying. My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx.
Me: So I'm told.
I need to drink more.
"Viewed freely, the English language is the accretion and growth of every dialect, race, and range of time, and is both the free and compacted composition of all." - Walt Whitman
Nov 28, 2006
Well I seem to be in the minority around here. Last night I was in west Seattle watching the football game with my buddy Joe and his girlfriend Megan. They cooked up a nice meal and we had a good time watching the snow fall on the players. Megan offered to have me stay there if the roads were too bad and at first I was skeptical as I pride myself on being somewhat proficient in the snow, but decided to take them up on their offer.
Next day you would think Armageddon hit Seattle. The roads were somewhat icy, but the local news anchors were constantly reporting accidents and icy conditions and warning people to stay at home. Not heeding their advice I decided to hit the roads and found them to be pretty much clear. In fact most of the freeways were completely snow free.
I got the bright idea to do some Christmas shopping as I figured hardly anyone would be out today. Well I was right. I went to Barnes & Noble, the mall, and Toys R Us and found it to be a good experience. I never had to stand in line, got help when I needed it, and had no trouble finding parking. It was incredible. I got 3/4 of my holiday shopping done within the span of a few hours. It's a Christmas miracle and all it had to take was panicky Seattlites.
Of course my boss called to make sure I would make it in tonight. I find this funny cause he didn't brave the roads to come in today. He says his car wouldn't make it. I think my boss is a smart man and I'm happy he doesn't read this.
"As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words." - William Shakespeare
Nov 25, 2006
I love being me and not just because I'm the best looking guy ever, well not really, but still being a man is simple. I'll never have to suffer childbirth nor has anyone ever called me a dirty whore, well at least to my face. I've never had someone tell me I would look better in expensive makeup. If I ever run for politics the fact I have a penis will increase my odds at winning. A lot of men expect women to look like Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johannson, Grace Kelly, or Audrey Hepburn. I've never felt frightened on a date. In the rare occurrence a girl actually hits on me and if I'm not interested I can simply tell them that and they leave me alone. Hygiene is less complicated for me. I use less toilet paper.
I really could go on forever about this.
There are a few difficulties being male. You are expected to take out the trash, open jars, fight a group of bikers if they comment on your girlfriend's boobs, and always give the right answer to difficult questions. You know what questions I'm talking about. 'Do I look fat in this' is always a terror. Breaking up with women can be a harrowing experience. Some men feel compelled to always buy the drinks.
The most frustrating thing is trying to decipher female speak. Having to crack the code that is what women say and what they really mean can be as simple as quantum physics. I believe this is the reason men die before women.
All that being said I'm not the bastion of masculinity I'd like to be. I sit in a cubicle at work instead of cracking skulls in mixed martial arts fighting. I like musicals, romantic comedies, and theatre. Andrea once said I'm the most feminine man she's ever met. I would've cried when she said that, but I never cry...ever...
I'm so glad I'm male.
"To me the definition of true masculinity - and femininity, too - is being able to lay in your own skin comfortably." - Vincent D'Onofrio
Nov 24, 2006
Nov 22, 2006
Regardless I hope everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving, cept those damn Black Friday shoppers. I used to work retail and that day was a frightful one indeed. Shoppers were lined up early in the morning well before the store opened. Walking past them was similar to strolling past sweaty toothed madmen locked in cells. Their eyes piercing me almost begging me to open the store early. The looks on their faces said it all. They were there to save money and they would kill indiscriminately to preserve their entitlement to low cost products.
I would stand at the camera counter (I sold camera products for a department store) before the store opened dreading the minute the doors were unlocked. 15 minutes before that horrific experience the staff was lined up in the back of the store, chain smoking and contemplating new career aspirations. Cigarettes were then put out, uniforms were straightened, and we walked to our respective stations expecting the worst.
The doors would then open. Customers would file in walking at a brisk pace, eyeballing each other, then matching pace with a faster person till they were almost in a dead sprint. It was like watching animals being released into the wild.
One Black Friday was quite memorable. Polaroid at one time sold actual 35mm film, but decided to discontinue it after poor sales. Someone in that company decided to sell the product on that day for a dollar a role. First customer I helped bought every single roll we had, which equated to around $200.
This did not please everyone else looking for it. I stood there for the next few hours fielding questions like:
"What do you mean your sold out?"
"What do you mean they stopped making them?"
"What do you mean you won't be carrying anymore?"
"What do you mean someone bought the whole stock?"
This of course led to my favorite conversation that day. I had the bright idea that putting a sign over the Polaroid film bid stating 'sold out' might deflect some people from asking questions they already knew the answers to. This did little if any to keep people from bothering me and other co-workers. One particular gentleman didn't like the what the sign had to tell him.
"I see the sign says 'sold out'," he said in a gruff voice.
"Yes sir," I said. "Someone bought our entire stock of film when the store opened."
"Well can I get a rain check on that?" he asked. A reasonable request I thought.
"Sorry sir," I replied. "Polaroid has stopped production on 35mm film."
"Soooooo," he said shaking his head at me.
"So since they stopped making them we won't be carrying it," I said trying not to sound condescending.
"What do you mean by that?" he asked. I wonder what answer he was looking for, but I have a feeling that whatever I told him wouldn't suffice.
"I mean sir," I replied. "That we won't be carrying the product as it will no longer exist." The look on his face made it obvious that wasn't what he wanted to hear.
"Is there anyway I can buy this as YOU advertised? I mean you did say you were going to sell this and since you're sold out I deserve something. I have the ad right here."
"Sorry there's nothing I can do. We simply can't sell a product that we can't possibly carry."
"Yeah but it says here on the ad that you're selling it."
"And we did sir."
"So it's your job to provide it to me."
"Sir as the ad states we only have a limited supply," I said as he was searching for the words on the page. He was hoping to catch me in a lie.
"That's bullshit," he yelled.
"I don't appreciate your tone."
"I'm sorry you don't appreciate my tone sir." I still don't know what he was referring to.
"I'm going to talk to your manager," he said all threatening like.
"Okay sir," I said. "Her name is Michelle. You can find her up at the 1 hour photo. I can call her and ask her to come here if you like?" About that time I gave up on appearances and decided to let it be known that I couldn't give a damn.
"No," he said pointing his finger at me. "I'll go up there."
"Very good sir," I said turning away to help someone else who probably had a 'what do you mean' question.
"Oh fuck you," he yelled.
"I'll be outside when you get off work," he threatened. I looked behind him and saw his wife holding an infant. Maybe the kid's his, maybe not. I don't know what possessed the man to pick a fight with me in front of his family as he didn't look like the sort of person who could handle himself in a brawl, but I first thought it best to use decorum.
"Sir I don't think that's necessary and I'm sorry I made you angry. If you're upset with my service I suggest you speak with my manager."
"Nah I'll be awaiting for you outside punk," he promised.
That did it for me.
"Great," I said. "I get off at 3pm."
His jaw dropped. He stood in silence for a few seconds thinking of his next words. You could sense the wheels in his head were turning.
"Well...uhh...I don't think you understand. I'll be out there waiting for ya."
"I understand," I said maintaining my 'don't give a shit' attitude. "I'll be off at 3pm. I'm parked near the Chinese restaurant."
"Uhh...well...good. See ya then pal," he replied. He took his wife by the arm and walked away. I could hear his wife berating him for being an asshole as they mozied down an aisle.
Of course he never showed up at 3pm. I would like to sit here and make you think I was this fearless youngin who never backed down from a fight, but truth be told I was nervous this guy would come back with a gun. He didn't seem all that stable.
The day wore on with me reiterating the phrase "sorry were sold out" more times than I care to remember. Other events happened that day such as two guys getting into a fistfight over the last bread maker, numerous threats of a lawsuit, and various obscenities being hurled by customers who were late in receiving the privilege of a low cost item.
As I drove away from the store after my shift I sat and thought about how ironic it is that millions of Americans gourde themselves giving thanks for the many luxuries our society provides them and yet the next day they turn into those who feel entitled to everything. So quickly have they forgotten that they could live in a third world country or be the victims of violent crime. All it takes to turn people from civilized human beings to raging psychos is a sale.
I think all genocidal leaders have once worked retail in their lives.
So with that I ask you this Thanksgiving to truly understand the blessed lives you lead and to not forget it as you wander about in public. I have many things I'm grateful for. My family, my friend, my health (physically at least), and most of all the Pretty Girl.
Happy Thanksgiving from the folks at Erik's Ramblings.
"Pride slays thanksgiving, but a humble mind is the soil out of which thanks naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves." - Henry Ward Beecher
Nov 21, 2006
Nov 18, 2006
So taking a step back from writing about religious and political tension, tonight I'll focus on the mundane environment that is stardom.
Paris Hilton. We all know her and most of us hate her, yet know can stop talking about her for reasons we don't understand. I'm sure someday universities will offer courses analyzing her celebrity. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I see a day where I can sit down and watch or read a legitimate news source and not find an article/segment that mentions her. When that day comes I'll light a bonfire, strip down to a loin cloth, and dance around said fire in joyous celebration.
You may call me naive to think that the walking STD will ever be completely out of the news, but I think that day will arrive. It will take a lot from us and other celebrities. The public will simply have to stop reading and watching her while the famous bash her and stop inviting her to red carpet events. Hey if we can elect the Democrats back into office then we can give Paris the boot. Just like forest fires, only you can prevent stupid whores from achieving stardom.
I recently read an interview Tina Fey gave Howard Stern about Paris's appearance on Saturday Night Live. Tina gave the impression that everyone in the cast hated the vapid slut stating "She's a piece of shit. The people at SNL were like maybe she'll be fun, maybe she won't take herself so seriously. She takes herself so seriously! She's unbelievably dumb and so proud of how dumb she is. She looks like a tranny up close."
I think that's an insult to transvestites.
It's amazing to me to think that everyone is so hot for Paris and I'm far more attracted to Tina. Don't really know why that is.
What's funny is that when people ask me about how I feel about others who don't vote along the same lines as I do I find myself not really questioning their character. I guess I've grown to understand there are good people on both sides of any issue. That being said I now fantasize about standing outside my local Barnes & Noble waiting to find someone who purchased a copy of OJ Simpson's book and beating them senseless and sodomizing them with a sword.
I'm kind of a weird guy when I think about it.
"I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character." - Tina Fey
Tina Fey: Paris Hilton Is A “Piece of Sh-t”
Nov 16, 2006
Me: I have you listed here as Richard, but your email address states Rick.
Do you go by Rick or Richard?
Rick: You can call me Rick.
Me: And your last name is James?
Rick: Don't say it man.
Me: I promise you I won't.
Rick: Good. I'm so sick of hearing that.
Nov 15, 2006
Some women never actually achieve one in their life and here there are females who experience a few a week. I guess life would really suck for them actually. There are many places you wouldn't want to have a spontaneous orgasm such as church, job interview, any time spent with family, etc.
Amazing I've never heard of this before, then again I've never tapped a woman on the shoulder and made them climax. If that did happen and I had no knowledge of this medical condition I would immediately declare myself a superhero and call myself The Orgazinator while constantly tapping on women's shoulders. With the superhero outfit I have in my mind I'd probably get thrown in jail.
The article does talk about another amazing thing and that is Magna artist Akira Narita, who claims to have slept with over 1,000 women, as he describes his experience meeting girls with this condition.
1,000 women? I mean seriously does the sex get old after say 728? I cry bullshit of course, cause I don't see how anyone could get anything done trying to bang that many women. Plus the fact he hasn't contracted something deadly is rather unusual.
"I almost bumped into Alec Baldwin and then turned around and Paris Hilton was standing there. And I was like, 'Look, it's stupid spoiled whore.'" - Trey Parker
Deadly 'iku iku byo' reaches a climax
Nov 14, 2006
There is a phenomenon going on that was started by Dan Brown when his book 'The DaVinci Code' was published. Critics and readers praised the book to no end as a smart, engaging thriller. It's conspiracy theory became an institution unto itself as other authors released more literature about it. One browsing for the DaVinci Code could become easily confused as there were other books about the subject called Unlocking DaVinci's Code: Mystery or Conspiracy?, Cracking the DaVinci Code, and Exposing the DaVinci Code just to name a few.
I kind of felt I was missing out on the whole bandwagon and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I heard from most of my friends that I wouldn't like it as far as the prose was concerned, but the story was somewhat fun. Well they were right.
I read 'Holy Blood, Holy Grail', of which DaVinci Code is based on, as a young lad, probably too young to understand it, but found it rather dull. Still I picked up the DaVinci Code hoping for at least a 'smart, engaging thriller.' Well the book was hardly that smart, but it was somewhat entertaining.
The prose is simple, the pacing is annoying, and the characters are mostly uninteresting. The plot devices are less clever than the author (and sometimes audience) think, but it's engaging enough to keep you reading. While you may roll your eyes at the silly code breaking sequences and ludicrous theory it's still a fun romp. Any reasonably intelligent individual would see the answers to the puzzles a mile away and the big revelations are anything but surprising, but they'll keep reading to hopefully come across one that'll really challenge them.
As I read it I couldn't help but think why this book is such a huge success. I mean seriously it's not great nor is it even that good. Looking back at times when I would listen in on conversations about the book I find myself realizing exactly why people love it.
People love conspiracy theories and the book makes them feel smart.
The book is littered with all sorts of historical references, some of which are in tune with the story and some are, well, not. You find all sorts of tidbits of information, such as the real meaning behind giving someone bunny ears in a photo, and you feel like you've learned something. Even though the story is fiction the author outlines the material in such a way that you feel the references to ancient religions are true, although I believe most readers made no effort to look it up and confirm it.
I have a friend who actually believed the book's theory. Seriously he bought the idea that Jesus survived the crucifixion and has a bloodline that he started with Mary Magdalene. Although he made no effort to look up any of the references he accepted the idea and became an armchair expert in the field. Another friend who heard the theory before reading the book challenged my Catholic upbringing with this pearl of wisdom:
Him: Did you hear they found evidence of Jesus marrying Mary Magdalene?
Me: Yes I've heard about it.
Him: So isn't crap that the Catholic church doesn't allow priests to marry?
Me: Well since no one has found any evidence of either of the two even existing, much less procreating, I cry bullshit at anyone who believes in such a theory. Besides it's not like the Vatican is forcing people into the priesthood. People make choices. If you want to get married don't become a priest, monk, etc.
He looked away, paused for a long time, and said "yeah but..." which normally means he has nothing to counter with, but I guess he still feels compelled to crusade for a priest's right to matrimony.
Conspiracy theories are popular, because a lot of times they're easier to accept than the truth or even conventional wisdom. It can be simpler to digest the idea that the government was behind 9/11 than a bunch of fanatics carrying out a plot that beguiled our intelligence. By that same logic people will find it easier to believe that Christ was simply a man and not a divine being sent by a supreme intelligence. I can understand why the public will hold such theories as I am a fan of them myself, but to accept them as cardinal truth simply by reading grocery store fiction is just mind boggling. They succumb to be exactly like the people they look down upon which is those who accept scripture.
After finally finishing the book I do understand it's success. Books, like film, can live or die on their subject matter and marketing alone, quality be damned. That being said it's an easy, fun little read and if your expectations are low then you'll enjoy this novel.
No I haven't seen the movie yet.
"Though the book has apparently entertained about a quarter of the world’s population, it’s nothing more than a slim, overcomplicated premise supported by characters that are about as three-dimensional as the guests at Charles Grodin’s “party” in The Lonely Guy and dressed up in overheated prose that makes Dean Koontz look like Gore Vidal." - Jeremy C. Fox