Dec 29, 2006
That new fad is a fake scrodum hanging from the rear bumpers of trucks. Seriously some jack asses, who happen to drive trucks, think it's very clever or manly to place a nut sack on their trucks for all to see. To all of you who do feel it necessary to display fake testicles on automobiles I have this to say:
You are not cool, tough, or funny. You are simply a dipshit who got beat up a lot in high school and are trying, make that failing, to mask your true sexual identity. Especially you the one I saw on I-5 with testes dangling from the back of a Mazda pickup. Yeah you.
I'm not one to condone vandalism, but I encourage all to carry a hammer in your cars and when you come across one of these displays in your mall parking lot, well smash it into a million pieces. You women out there need to stop sleeping with men who have these on their autos. If you're man shows any desire to place this accessory on their vehicle simply stop getting naked. They'll soon comply. Please, it's for the good of mankind that these be stopped at all costs.
Ahh I feel better now knowing that each and every one of you will fight the good fight against testicle performance art.
"A day of crusin around on your motorcycle is just not complete unless you have a pair of hawg nuts hanging off the back for everyone to see. Nuts on your motorcycle hitch. Chrome Balls. Women love a man with a nice big one pound solid set of nuts slapped on the back of their Harley!" - Bumpernuts.com
"A lot of people have been in and out of this thing. Everyone thinks they have something to say, until they're put on stage and asked to say it."
They make a solid point actually. Considering how many of the 'amateur' blogs I see come and go in my year plus span of opining online I wonder if my time is coming. I've said mostly everything I want to say about various subjects and most of my posts are starting to seem redundant. The group blog I write for, Billy Ocean Student Council Treasurer, has already suffered a lack of content and it hasn't been up for a year yet. Will amateur blogs soon go by the wayside and of consequence will we only see 'professional' blogs that bring us nothing more than sound byte musings?
That being said I do hope that the folks on my blogroll will still continue to bring me entertainment for years to come.
My life is nothing like Tucker Max, nor is my existence plagued with strife; however, I do hope that I can find something to write about for years to come regardless if it has anything to do with politics, strange news stories, and boobs.
"I realized that there are a great number of things that I would have posted to my blog a year ago, but I won't now." - Joichi Ito
Blogging 'set to peak next year'
Dec 27, 2006
I woke up a little too early today and flipped on the tube to get my dose of news. Instead of getting information about the latest attempt to get Israel and the Palestinians back to the negotiating table I consumed all I could take of the legacy of Gerald Ford. After hearing the 13th debate about the pros and cons of his presidential pardon one of one our country's most crooked leaders I decided to start flipping channels.
I then came across a network I never knew existed, which is Fox Reality. The folks at Murdoch Empire created a channel dedicated to reality television. You can watch shows such as Temptation Island, Joe Millionaire, and others as well as hear the latest news on all your favorite attention whores...err...reality stars. Oh and most of it is hosted by Kennedy.
Now some of you love reality television and you don't want to hear me get into a long winded spiel about how depraved such viewing habits are. Well since it's the holiday season I'll spare you such rants.
But, yes there's always a 'but', I will write about one show they do have on the network called 'My Bare Lady'. The premise? Well they take four porn stars and enroll them into a London acting school to have them learn and perform Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet. Of course I watched the entire episode. I'm such a hypocrite.
Yes you read that right. Porn stars and Shakespeare, a match made in thespian hell. What's next for this channel? Pro wrestlers doing ballet? Tom Delay teaching ethics?
I showed this to a friend of mine who immediately recognized one of the star's previous work. I found it funny that I've never heard of any of these girls. Me of all people.
"To grasp the full significance of life is the actor's duty, to interpret it is his problem, and to express it his dedication." - Marlon Brando
Enjoy the clips:
Dec 26, 2006
I was at my sister's home watching her sons unwrap their presents cheering in delight about the new Star Wars toys they just acquired. I delight in watching that scene every year as Christmas with the family is really about giving joy to the children.
I finally started unwrapping my first gift from my Grandma. By the feel of the present I knew it was going to be a book. Was it Hemingway, Kissinger, Hunter S Thompson, or any other author she knew I would enjoy? I pressed on unwrapping the book only to reveal it was 'Culture Warrior' by Bill O'Reilly. Yes the falafel king wrote another book about the secular progressives trying to hijack your traditional values and twist our nation to the point where our schools would be a Romanesque orgy.
Yes thankfully my Grandmother doesn't read this blog. I also didn't get a lot of things I did want for Christmas, which was:
1. An editor for this blog.
2. A threesome with Salma Hayek and Scarlette Johannson.
3. A trip to the Super Bowl.
4. Reese's Pieces.
Sadly I did not receive any of these things this year. I guess I've been naughty.
"You want to have two guys making out in front of your 4-year-old? It's OK with them. A guy smoking a joint, blowing the smoke into your little kid's face? OK with them. And I'm not exaggerating here. This is exactly what the secular movement stands for." - Bill O'Reilly
Dec 22, 2006
Seriously I wish everyone a safe and good Holiday.
Merry Christmas from the folks..err folk..at Erik's Ramblings!
"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" - Bill Watterson
At first it seemed like a great idea as I've seen a few films in the theatres this year, but it made me sad to think about my movie going habits as of late. When I was a younger lad I lived for the art house flick, the one that was made seemingly outside the studio system. Films that challenged my brain and ones that offered quirky, unconventional plots were my bag and I reveled in watching them.
For a couple years I worked at a movie theatre and me and my cohorts would often look down our noses at the massive audiences who bought into the studio hype and believed the tripe they just saw was the greatest thing to ever hit celluloid. Most of our customers didn't want a film to challenge their beliefs, or make them think at all. They simply wanted to be entertained. We laughed at them as they came out of 'The Saint' all joyous about what they just witnessed.
As I thought more about the films I chose to see in the multiplex this year I realized that God forbid I'm turning into those people. I'm burnt on art house dramas that are supposed to seem profound. I'm bored by quirky comedies that are supposed to be clever, but really just the same joke for an hour plus. Small 'indie' films are no longer this cinema buff's hero, but rather the genre really seems to have been getting stale. So many are just one trick ponies that after the first ten minutes the film becomes predictable and lifeless. Maybe I enjoy them less because of my own life becoming more and more yuppie and far less introspective.
Remember the time you recently watched something you loved in your youth and you accepted the realization it's nothing more than a big block of government cheese? Yeah that's how I felt when going over the list of films I watched this year.
Enough about my own personal reflection. Lets get to the good stuff, which is a list I know most of you will disagree with. Favorite films in no particular order:
1. United 93 - I asked many people to come watch this with me. Everyone flat out said no. No one himmed and hawed, but everyone quickly denied me their company and of course had to give their reason why without my asking. Some said it was too soon to be making a film about this subject. Others claimed it was exploitative. There were also those who just didn't want to relive the emotions they felt on that tragic day. All are good reasons not to go see this film and I understand their sentiment. I do; however, feel that the story of the passengers on that flight does need to be told and the sooner the better.
I finally saw it when it came out on DVD and kick myself for not watching it on the big screen. The acting, pacing, cinematography, and direction was done so well that I found myself on the edge of my seat through out the last half of the film, which was ridiculous when you consider I knew how it was going to end. This film is a glowing tribute to those who gave their lives so others may be saved. It wasn't hammed up. It wasn't sappy. There were no big name actors. You didn't get to know the characters well. It simply was a great telling of ordinary people reacting to an extraordinary circumstance.
2. The Departed - I can't remember the last time I walked out of a theatre asking myself if a film couldn't get any better. All of the elements of this movie were superbly crafted. This is the result of a director who's a master of his craft and it's just amazing how he made a simple cops and robbers concept into a masterpiece. I could go on for pages about each and every detail that made this film unique. It's simply a work of genius.
3. Clerks II - I have a love/hate relationship with the work of Kevin Smith. There are many who blindly worship at the altar of pop culture's favorite slacker geek turned icon, but I, like many passive fans, find myself disappointed in a lot of his work. This film; however, is a much more mature telling of the View Askew universe and unlike the first movie it gave his characters a soul. To somehow who sometimes feels they've heard every joke I found myself genuinely laughing at this. It's not highbrow cinema by any means, but it's one of those comedies where not one chuckle I gave seemed forced. This is a far superior ending the the Jersey Chronicles than Jay and Silent Bob.
4. Superman Returns - The villain's plot is hockey and makes no sense, they still can't get a Lois Lane who can act well, and the man in tights is no Christopher Reeves, but there's one moment that made me love it. I watched it on IMAX with my nephews in 3-D and there's a sequence with the man of steel flying through the clouds soaring off the screen into the sky. That moment made me feel just as childlike as the seven year old sitting next to me and for that reason I love this film. For a few seconds I believed a man could fly.
5. Why We Fight - Usually when you hear the words 'Industrial Military Complex' people normally associate it with some far fetched conspiracy theory. This film though takes us into the real world of the mass manufacturing and selling of death and it's effect on our world politics. The result is terrifying. I almost find it depressing that heavy handed documentaries such as Fahrenheit 9/11 get such praise while this arguably more important and intelligent film will soon be forgotten.
Whew I think that's enough. Now to the worst. I never saw anything really terrible this year as you won't find me shelling out dough to see Big Momma's House 2, but the bad films on this list was more disappointing than anything. 1. The DaVinci Code - Yes the book was so poorly written it almost made the works of Dean Koontz seem like Pulitzer material, but the concept was interesting enough to make any screenwriter abandon it's flaws and make a compelling story with characters that actually seemed human. Sadly the book has so many fans they chose to stick too close to the source material and the results suffered. If one thing good can be said about this film it's the fact that it exposed the books numerous weak points and will hopefully result in the material being soon forgotten. 2. The Break Up - I wanted this movie to be good and now I don't understand how it could've been. You've all been in the car rides or the dinners where you watch your friends bicker with their significant other. It's uncomfortable all the while sad as you watch them go through the misery of not being able to put their emotional houses in order. This film is like that except they're not your friends. They are simply selfish, manipulative, and trivial people inflicting pain on each other because of their frustration at the failed relationship. We may have been those people once, or still for that matter, but watching that on screen was hardly entertaining nor as enlightening as the filmmakers thought it was.
What a huge post for a really short list. I need an editor.
“Films don't change the world, but they can make people talk. And they can make you look at the world with fresh eyes. This movie provides a credible, authentic portrait of that day, and it allows us to draw some wisdom from it. Wherever you sit politically, we are all in that same stage of being wounded and trying to figure what to do next. Those people on United 93 had the courage to confront what we're all dealing with. The question is, do we?” - Paul Greengrass
Dec 20, 2006
Now enter Rosie O'Donnell, who I swear will say anything to keep herself in the headlines. She criticized the annoying billionaire for not being the best judge of character being of loose morals himself. He shot back in a candid, childish manner which insured this story will stay with us for a while.
I for one make no judgements on the behavior of any of the parties involved, but I have to say I'm shocked, shocked I say, to find out that a beauty pageant contestant is an attention whore. I mean really I was always under the impression that all women who starve themselves and willingly participate in a contest that objectifies them were well adjusted individuals with the morality of our lord and savior's mother.
Okay writing this was just an excuse to post a picture of a hot woman. Mission accomplished. Today is indeed a good day.
Earlier today my team at work had a morale event where we all got together for dinner at the Coho Cafe. My co-worker and dear friend Andrea decided it would be a great idea to announce to everyone (my boss, teammates, and my boss's boss) that I enjoy musicals. She was basically trying to make the point that even seemingly masculine men have feminine traits.
My boss's boss, who I almost never see, was indeed shocked by this. She looked at me and said in her always loud voice, "I would've never guessed."
"I get that a lot," I replied.
"Well you see," she said. "Whenever I see Erik he's always got on a hat and he's scruffy and gruff and he's always like (sticks out chest, makes burly arm gesture) grrrrr....I like to drive trucks."
This elicited laughter from all involved. It seems to be a new trend here to make humorous statements about my looks. I think I'm going to shock everyone for a while and wearing nothing but slacks and button down shirts. I'll even (gasp) shave regularly. Or I could just show up naked, but I'm afraid that would just cause more hilarity for them.
“It’s a story that has happened many times before to many women and to many men who came to the Big Apple. They wanted their slice of the Big Apple, and they found out it wasn’t so easy.” - Donald Trump
Dec 19, 2006
We made our way into the garage and drove up to the gate to find it closed with no staff monitoring it. Jake got out of the car and decided to lift up the gate manually, which caused it to bust into pieces. I found this absolutely hilarious, until I realized the garage door was closed. Jake and his gal made their exit as I called security to have them open the door. Funny they didn't notice the broken gate which could've led to a bad scene, but we made our way out of there without incident.
The next evening the Pretty Girl and I headed to Mattbear's for his Holiday party. I had just woken up so I decided to check my messages. Mattbear called and told me the party was cancelled due to the fact that his house was without power. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to taste his annual white hot chocolate goodness.
"Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations, that we have forgotten, as a people, the cost of a free and undivided Republic." - John A. Logan
1:30 am rolls around and sure enough the power goes out. The emergency lights came on, but all access to computers and various other equipment was nill. Then the phone rang.
Guy: Hello this is ____ from facilities. I understand the power is out there.
Me: Yes this is true.
Guy: Well next time this happens you need to call me and inform me of this.
Me: Okay. I thought security took care of that, but I'll call you. By the way I have no idea how to get a hold of you.
Guy: My number is online.
Me: That doesn't help me.
Guy: You can just simply look it up online.
Guy: Look you're the TECH GUY. I'll make it very simple for you. You open up Internet Explorer...
Me: ....look pal. I don't mean to be a condescending prick. I'm not an asshole, but I have to inform you of the fact that computers, well they run on POWER.
Me: (listening to the wheels in his head spin)
Guy: ....well you don't have a laptop?
Guy: Well call me if you need anything. (click)
He never gave me his phone number.
In the morning people started trickling in talking about the chaos that this windstorm has brought upon us. I walked into the kitchen to get some water and saw a man standing at the Batista machine pressing the button over and over again. I just stared at him for a while till finally I spoke up.
Me: You didn't expect that to work now did you?
Him: I wish Starbucks could invent something that didn't need this thing called electricity.
He then laughed and walked away. I laughed to, not with him of course.
It's incredible how a power outage turns reasonably intelligent human beings into blithering idiots.
"Starbucks is my main fix and it's usually you people working in there - sometimes they're actually shaking. It just makes me feel horrendous because I've been in that situation." - Shirley Manson
Dec 14, 2006
This morning James, my Dr Phil loving colleague, talked about a segment where he had the creator of Bum Fights, an exploitation video where producers pay the homeless to kick the crap out of each other, on the show. According to James, Dr Phil had the guy on the show briefly before he kicked him out of the studio before even engaging in a conversation with him.
Now the clip has made it's way online and of course I watched it. Hey call me a glutton.
I hope everyone watches this and realizes what a douchebag Dr Phil really is. For those of you who are too squeamish to watch the video I posted let me give you description. First the simple minded doctor explains that the footage he's about to show is so despicable that he asks that all children leave the room. He then shows a heavily edited video depicting homeless people beating each other up, pulling out their teeth with pliers, and eating uncooked frogs. Inter cut with the actions of the bums the creator of Bum Fights talks about how he's helping them and providing a good service. Any reasonably intelligent individual can tell this was all tongue in cheek.
Now to the good stuff. At the end of the video Dr Phil yells out to someone to stop the footage, even though that the montage was clearly at it's end. You then see the creator of Bum Fights dressed like Dr Phil. He even shaved his head to look like Phil's bald spot, which I thought was kind of funny. The pious doctor then tells him to get off the stage and that he wasn't going to talk to him. The video maker with a loose sense of morals calls the host out on who the real exploiter is on stage, and Dr Phil responds with a oh so clever line of "yeah you keep telling yourself that" before security escorted him out of the building.
Dr Phil goes on to say he couldn't have an intelligent conversation with someone who creates things of that nature and refuses to publicize it. For someone who hates making horrid videos stream into the public conscious...oh I'm not even going to say it. Since you're reading this you've proven to me that you have a savvy intellect and the looks of a runway model.
Fuck Dr Phil right in the ear.
"I'm gonna be in your face 24/7! you can't escape Dr. Phil!" - Phillip C. McGraw
Dec 13, 2006
Reading this sparked interesting thoughts about this blog and why it indeed 'perplexes' her. Maybe it's the random topics, lack of coherent theme, horrid grammar, awful visuals, and/or self deprecating humor laced with pictures of hot women. This blog is simply my opinions on the absurdity of this life and I wonder if reading this does make you curious about my mental stability.
You readers are smart enough to understand that there is far more to me than what I choose to write about here. You also should be aware that I'm really not that interesting of a person. I'm an average bloke whose desires aren't unlike your own, although you may not have a strange, almost unhealthy obsession with Scarlette Johannson.
I guess there are times when I don't get myself. I look at myself in the mirror, a task I hate, and wonder why my personality is ridden with so many contradictions. I imagine Rawbean is not in the minority when she finds herself confused about what kind of person Wiwille truly is.
"I try to take people one at a time, with all the contradictions and compromises that most of us live with." - Garry Trudeau
Dec 12, 2006
Naturally much of our nation's dialogue is centered around Hillary Clinton and her possible (inevitable) run for the highest office in the land. Every talking head points out their opinion that Hillary will bring out the women vote which will almost secure her post as Commander in Chief. This is not only the opinion of overpaid media analysts, but of us common folk as well. In conversations with many people, ranging from the arrogant-never-wrong armchair self proclaimed interest group (me), to the people simply attracted to the drama of politics, to those who appreciate their news in small almost Farklike sound bytes, everyone makes this statement.
Now lets examine that now shall we?
Here we are in an arguably more enlightened age where no one can argue reasonably that someone can't do a job in politics based on gender, but suddenly we feel it's okay to make blanket statements about their voting habits? It's fine now to say that those without a penis will enter the polls and vote for the candidate with less testosterone rather than those unimportant things like say foreign policy stance? Are we just hiding our disdain for women when we say that they will not make an educated, informed decision electing to a "stick to their kind" mentality?
Is it important that we as a society evolve enough to embrace the idea of a female president? Sure by all means; however we shouldn't assume that females will skirt the issues when choosing their president. All that being said I do know people who are supporters of Hillary for reasons they don't seem to understand. When posed with the question of why do they think she'll make a good president most people stare blindly. The question they want to get asked is "Is it time for us to have a female in the Oval Office?"
Look if the office of the president didn't put the safety of the world at stake I'd like to send the same message. If someone runs against Hillary in the primary, or even the general election, that isn't as qualified as Clinton I'll support her. If the tables are turned then I'll support them, whoever they may be (McCain). I think most women will do the same.
"In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart." - Hillary Clinton
Five years. I can't believe I've been here for five friggin years. Seriously I've never had a job last this long. I can't believe they haven't fired me yet.
"What I wanted more than anything was a long career." - Terence Stamp
What was funny is that the bride belonged to the same sorority as the Pretty Girl, so frat boys were in attendance. We sat at a table with three of them and one looked like a cross between TinTin and Beetle Bailey. I was curious if his fraternity initiation involved him walking around in a army suit, peeling potatoes, and solving international mysteries.
Sunday was a smaller affair for my friend Joe was marrying his bride Megan. Catch is they had me officiating. Yep the state of Washington recognizes me, your own Wiwille, as someone who can join two people in matrimony. Only two people were in attendance so we made our way to the Volunteer Park conservatory and I gave them a brief ceremony. The couple seemed happy with the service and I'm proud that they asked me to do it.
For those of you that are curious I became an officiator through another friend of mine a few years back. They were having a wedding that was on a budget and asked me to take care of their nuptials. Crystal, the bride, pointed me to a website called The Universal Life Church, which is some sort of Unitarian ministry. You simply go there, sign up (for free!), and if your state allows it you can then preform various civil ceremonies.
So far the first couple I married are still together and I hope my track record stays the same with Joe. Joe and I have been friends for years and I wish him a great life with his new bride.
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
Dec 8, 2006
While Republicans such as Terry Jeffery and Janice Crouse are accusing the Vice President's daughter of committing an "unconscionable" act, which is sick enough, liberals seem to be acting just slightly more mature. I've read many a liberal blog and listened to even more commentators trying to use this issue to expose conservative bigotry, like we somehow weren't already aware of this.
Leave her alone people. She didn't choose to be the Vice President's daughter. Yes she wrote a book and decided to stay in the lime light, but I imagine that was partially to answer the question everyone has of what it's like to be the offspring of one of the most hated men in America today. I can understand why it's easy to dislike Dick, but leave his daughter's personal life out of your pontificating. Both sides should take the high road and just let this one go.
"Having loving and supporting parents didn't make me feel any better about the possibility of seeing my personal life splashed across newspapers and tabloids." - Mary Cheney
Dec 7, 2006
There are times though that I laugh out loud at this film. The ridiculous Grease Lightning sequence has me howling. The silly, but admittley cute, Summer Nights song cracks me up as well. Really the film isn't a total bunch of tripe, but what makes me loathe watching this is the friggin ending. When Sandy steps out in that slutty leather outfit with the huge hair I can't help but think why anyone thought that was an improvement. I found the pony tail and cheerleader outfit much hotter.
I guess that last line makes me a pervert. Oh well.
Maybe I'm getting older, but I find the films message a little disturbing. I feel having a movie tell women to tramp it up for a guy like Danny Zucco an affront to feminsim. Hey girls you want to be happy? Start smoking, look like a slut, and add a serious amount of hairspray and you'll find happiness.
The film has an appeal that spans many generations and we won't likely see it fade away anytime soon. This movie has massive following and already we've seen a few special editions of it on DVD.
Fine musicals such as Fiddler on the Roof are lost on our youth, but many people of my generation worship at the altar of Grease.
"Grease" hasn't improved much in two decades. It remains a juvenile remembrance of a mythologized '50s, a musical lacking grace." - Jeffery Westhoff
Of course the smart asses, like myself, will always say invaders. Really though my answer to why Rome fell is because of the populace's apathy. They sat in their arenas entertaining themselves having slaves feed them their pampered lives while the political classes destroyed what was once a great civilization by squandering their once plentiful resources. Yes the people of Rome, the real stakeholders in it's greatness, are the ones to blame for it's government's failures.
We are no different.
"Ancient Rome was as confident of the immutability of its world and the continual expansion and improvement of the human lot as we are today." - Arthur Erickson
Dec 5, 2006
Simon Cowell? Okay I do expect women to fantasize about someone else when they sleep with me. I mean hell I'd be surprised if they didn't, but if I found out any women prefers Simon to me I think it's time to load up on the barbiturates and take my final skydive. Ladies if you do find it in your heart to get naked with me, please at least imagine someone like Sean Connery.
The same question was posed to men and Scarlett Johansson didn't make the top ten. Instead the Brits seem to prefer Madonna, who was voted number ten. I find this odd as I don't think I can name anyone who ever really had carnal thoughts of the material girl. Not that she's ugly, but just not top ten material. I could name about a hundred other celebrities I'd rather spend quality time alone to than her.
It's time like these I'm proud to be an American.
“I would expect to be very near the top as I’m obviously extremely attractive." - Simon Cowell
Cowell is girls' sex swap idol
Dec 2, 2006
Now some are forming a new 'sister study' called fat studies. Yes you can spend thousands in higher education on the topic of big boned people. If proponents have their way one could actually major in it. Supporters of the field of study liken this to the African-American programs that are prominent throughout colleges in America.
Now I see nothing wrong with having a positive body image. In fact I think everyone should look at themselves in a bright manner, that is if they're healthy. I know weight is a touchy subject amongst a lot of people, but seriously should a heavy person look at themselves and have the self delusion that their bodies are perfectly fine when in reality their causing a lot of harm to themselves? Should a smoker, alcoholic, and/or someone who mainlines black tar heroin feel happy about their crippling addictions?
Should this even be placed amongst the same category as African-American and Women's rights? I really feel that people in favor of this are more into creating a culture of victimization rather than addressing some of the real issues facing obesity in this instant gratification society we live in.
Says one supporter of fat studies, "I'm fat. So what?"
Now I don't condone people starving themselves to simply look good, but I do believe people, including myself, should make a concerted effort to be healthy. Sad almost every successful product and service is designed to keep us from actually achieving a healthy lifestyle.
"Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with." - Roseanne