Sci-fi films are somewhat of a mixed bag. When they're good, they're excellent, but the majority is chock full of stupidity. Granted even some of the worst are well intentioned and have an interesting premise, but for whatever reason the end result becomes a nonsensical story that relies on effects in place of fleshing out a decent plot. Still you have to give the makers of some films for their originality, especially if you're largely unfamiliar with B films, as I am.
Iron Sky is one of those films that sounds great on paper, but when actually watching it you wonder how they could make such an interesting premise turn out so boring. Set in 2018, America has elected Sarah Palin as President, but the film never actually mentions her by name, but instead plays upon how most see her. For political purposes she decides to send a black astronaut to the moon, which her administration play upon the stereotypes of Americans as seeing it as plausible to most as finding a unicorn lair. But with the can do spirit of America, it happens and two astronauts end up on the dark side of the moon, and come across a Nazi base.
Apparently the Third Reich launched a manned mission to the moon at the end of WWII in order to build a new colony and bide their time before they invade Earth and fulfill their dead Furher's dream. They capture the black astronaut, who in order to save his life offers a meeting with the President. The astronaut gets transformed into white face and after some fish out of water jokes they meet with the yet to be named Palin, and become part of her Cheif of Staff. They help shape America into a propaganda machine similar to something Goebbels would be proud of.
After some wacky adventures, one of the previously mentioned Nazis takes his rightful place as Furher, and with the help of a captured cell phone, goes back to the base to start the invasion of Earth. Earth retaliates by launching their own spaceships, and a climatic battle ensues.
As a comedic sci-fi film, this had a lot of promise, but sadly the jokes aren't that funny. It should've been a laugh romp, but it fails in almost every respect. Given the silliness of its premise it could've been a cult classic, but sadly it's as forgettable as it is stupid. While film goers would probably be lured by the premise, they'll come to the shocking revelation that its as boring as most moronic sci-fi films that try to be clever, but fail miserably.
It's not that Iron Sky is a terrible film as you've seen far worse, it's just frighteningly mediocre. I will admit, I laughed at the North Korean crack, but otherwise you could see the jokes coming from miles away, and lets be real, all the good Palin jokes and caricatures of Sarah Palin have already been done do death, and far better than this script could muster. This could've been at least great political satire, similar to what Starship Troopers was attempting, but you're in for no such luck. Iron Sky should've been something along the lines of the Evil Dead franchise, but instead, we got...well...its hard to compare it to an equally forgettable film, for obvious reasons.
Thanks to Shaun for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see
it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"Great idea, lousy execution: "Iron Sky" boasts one of the zaniest premises in recent memory, and somehow manages to squander most of its potential." - Jeff Shannon
Sometimes you look at a film and wonder why the hell it
exists. Sure even some of the worst movies I've seen (The Flintstones, Beverly
Hills Cop Part 3, In the Army Now) have some reason for its production, if only
to make money off suckers who have barely enough brain power to operate basic
motor functions. But then there are those really bad films, the infamous “Manos:
The Hands of Fate” and “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” that make you wonder
why someone sat there and looked at the script and said, “Let’s do this”. There’s
no possible way these films could ever make a dime for anyone involved in the
production, unless I’m missing something about film distribution.
I have a rule about people submitting films that are
complete donkey shit, but a few have ignored that rule (I’m looking at you
Greg, Matt, and Tad!) In what can only be described as poor reading
comprehension or just general sociopathic behavior, my friend and colleague
Courtney decided to unleash the hell upon me that is “The Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror”.
There’s little more to be said about the plot other than
what the title suggests. During some sort of LGBT festival, four gay couples
check in to a bed and breakfast run by a conservative zealot and her in the
closet daughter. Sans maybe one person, the couples are anything but likeable
or interesting, and they all fit some sort of homosexualstereotype, which can be viewed as insulting,
but the film makers don’t give two shits. People start dying in ways that are
laughable, and you’ll be relieved they’re dead just so you don’t have to listen
to their awful line reads again. If there’s one good thing I can say about this
film is that it mercifully ends.
There are twists that are told to the audience, which in no
way serve the plot nor cures boredom, and the ending is as incomprehensible as it
is poorly written and I shudder to give it a moment of thought. This movie
doesn’t even succeed as being good trash, as it’s not competent enough to do
even that, nor could it be considered funny camp. The only girl in the film I even
had a remote interest in seeing naked never took off her clothes. It’s just
awful, and it’s not even on the list of so bad it’s good, as this can only
succeed on one level, being fodder for the MST3K treatment. Other than that it
serves no purpose, well at least for me. If you’re a tea bagger who fantasizes
about killing sodomites, well then run, don’t walk, to your nearest video store
and bask in the glory that is “The Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror”.
And this trend of submitting films that are donkey shit
needs to stop.
Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me
an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"Trash can be fun
but this movie is too tedious and under-inspired to be amusing." -
Kevin Thomas
I used to work at a camera shop and one day a man came in
looking for a former employee, who was escorted from his job in handcuffs the
previous day (another story) about how the coworker promised to film his
audition tape for Survivor. I told him the kid was no longer employed with us,
so he asked me if I wanted to go in the woods with him and shoot his video. I
had no interest in going into the forest with a stranger and told him that
wouldn’t be possible, which made him go on a rant about how he was destined for
a show like Survivor and how he’d be the best at survival tactics and living
off the land. He had fame in his eyes as he launched into a long monologue of
how he was going to be better than anyone the show’s ever seen.
I told him I needed to get back to work, but he didn’t like
that answer and continued about how skilled he was at staying alive in any
condition, and how he would win the coveted prize of a million dollars for
showing off his badassness. He sensed my annoyance as I made little attempt to hide
it, and finally asked me what I thought. I told him his plan was foolish, as I
saw one episode of the first season, and it was obvious to me and should be to
anyone else that the producers didn’t care about casting Eagle Scouts, they
wanted people with personalities that create drama. It’s not about starting a
fire without matches, it’s about popularity and being a jerk, and some, if not all, of it is quite possible
staged. He just stared at me for a few seconds, didn’t say a word, grabbed his
jacket off the counter, and left the store. I never saw him again.
Modern cinema has devoted a lot of energy into teaching us
how decadent and depraved our entertainment is, which of course is dripping
with dramatic irony. Still, as pretentious as it may be the lesson that reality
television, and pop-culture as a whole, is catering to the lowest common denominator
of intelligence and is really amoral seems lost on most, considering how
popular American Idol, Jersey Shore, and various other cruel shows still exist.
Now films have existed for years about this very topic while they browbeat us with
tales of how moronic we are for exercising our voyeuristic tendencies, but
sadly we as a country have learned little and we continue to consume such
nonsense like a starving man at a Chinese buffet.
Reality shows have become a staple of our collective
television diets, and to miss information on who got voted off the island,
house, attention whoring dating show, or whatever would mean you miss out on
the party. So as good little television consumers you’ll continue to fill your
belly on shows reward a lack of talent, morality, or even possess anything remotely
interesting. We’ve turned into a vicious, cruel, and entitled culture that
lacks any original thought or merit.
God
Bless America takes what The Truman Show, and many others, already told us,
and twist such lessons into one of the darkest, least subtle comedies I’ve ever seen. First
set in Virginia, it’s the story of Frank, a middle age average loser who just
lost his job and is diagnosed a terminal illness. Frank like to talk about how
he hates our modern culture, but for whatever reason can’t seem to turn off the
television to pick up a book. Finally having enough of the world he decides the
only reasonable course of action is to kill everyone he finds repugnant.
Early along the way he meets a teenager, Roxy, who shares
his disdain for people that have no business consuming precious oxygen, and
joins in the killing spree, shooting tea partiers, Westboro Baptist Church
members, an obvious rip off of Bill O’Reilly, and eventually the set of American
Superstar (American Idol).
While again, everyone they kill seems like an easy target,
which they are, and the film says nothing you don’t already know or feel…well
if you don’t you’re obviously not reading this and have TMZ as your homepage
and have hour long discussions on the marriage dissolving of Tom and Katie.
Still the death of people who waste their motor skills on being a moron is a
concept I adore, but really the true jackasses are us, the ones who keep Kate
Goesslin (or however the fuck you spell that) and the Palins employed. Needless
to say I enjoyed the film immensely as it was as hilarious as it is wickedly
dark. Social satire is hard to keep engaging, and few have done it so successfully. At times the film gets a little muddled with long, and sometimes
sanctimonious rants about how we as a nation suck balls, but I can’t really blame
director/writer Bobcat Goldthwaite (seriously he really made this) as we still
haven’t learned our lesson as Survivor is entering its 25th season.
So yeah, I’d recommend it. Thanks to Leif for submitting
this for review. Drop
me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on Erik's Ramblings. Rules are
postedhere
"It does take a sledgehammer to crack a walnut and eventually
falls victim to the law of diminishing returns but it doesn't pull its punches
and is often outrageously funny." - Allan Hunter
Since the movie I'm about to review is mainly about role playing games (RPG), namely the biggest in the field, Dungeons & Dragons, in the interest of full disclosure let me tell you about my one and only experience with D&D.
I was in high school and had a science class with a Game Master, someone who leads the game mechanics and play. He had some D&D books out and I asked about them. After some small talk about the game he invited me to his house to play that weekend.
I attended and actually found myself enjoying the fantasy world of Dungeons & Dragons. My only prior knowledge of the game was largely due to my church, which warned parents that their children would become homosexual Satan worshippers if they involved themselves in the role play. I was also a huge fan of the short lived cartoon, but I hated the fact that they made the character Eric a candy ass. Still I caught on quickly and enjoyed the math behind the game and the creativity of the character building. It was really fun.
After we were done playing the Game Master asked if he could borrow my science book as he lost his and we had a test the next week. I offered it to him, as it was in my backpack, and made him promise to return it by Monday.
Monday rolls around and I see him in class. I ask him for the book, to which he said he didn't have and wouldn't be returning soon as he's not done with it. I told him I could care less if he was done with it or not that he was to return it the next day. He didn't like the fact that I was giving him orders.
GM: I'll give it to you when I'm done.
Me: You'll give it to me when I say you will.
GM: Fuck you.
Me: No no no no no. It is you who will be fucked if you don't return it tomorrow.
GM: You threatening me?
Me: I'm promising you.
He stood up and knocked over his desk. I did the same. The teacher ran out of the room to get help.
Quiz time folks. If you're me in this situation do you a) try and calm him down and reason with him, b) try to resolve the situation peacefully by offering to study together, or c) kick the ever loving crap out of the jackass? If you answered a or b you certainly are a better person than I.
We stared each other down for a few seconds and he gave me a threat I'll never forget as long as I live.
GM: I PUT A LEVEL FIVE HEX ON YOU!
Me: ......what? A level five....what?
He shoved me. The rest of the incident happened as you'd expect.
My coach ran into the place and pulled me off of him. I don't remember saying this, but it was told to me later that I yelled something about how his level five hex is pussy shit. He was taken to the nurses office for various wounds to the face. I was put in in-school suspension for a week.
I was never invited to play D&D again.
I relayed this incident to someone and their response was "that is exactly what I would expect to happen to you. This is so you." Yeah, it's true, for some reason my good intentions at social interaction do go awry, and this case was no different. Still I feel like I've missed the party, as many of my friends over the years have enjoyed D&D, granted to the demise of their wallets, but still role playing games may be a lot of things, but dull they never seemed.
Today I watched The Gamers: Dorkness Rising and am not sure exactly what the hell happened on the screen. Let me try to describe it for you. A group of RPGers get together with their game master to play D&D in a medieval setting. (Is "RPGers" even a word? Oh hell it is now.) One of the guys, who looks like a poor man's Vanilla Ice, invites his ex-girlfriend to play, who's new to gaming, and they start off on an adventurous quest to get some mask that has evil powers and destroy it. The gamers choose their characters and a bunch of geek humor ensues.
The movie cuts back and forth between the gamers bickering in a room about the rules to their fantasy avatars doing what they tell them to do. The movie is impressive if only for the fact that it makes the most out of what it can on such a slim budget. The acting is not that painful, the special effects are about what you'd expect, and the writing is not horrific. Still, I feel like I've missed the party with this movie as for the most part I didn't get any of the humor. What transpired on the screen could've been hilarious, but I would have no idea. There's not much of a story here, so its greatest strength, or weakness, is the attempt at comedy, which again may or may not be funny. Granted there was one occasion where I laughed, when a girl walked into a gaming store and all the RPGers freaked the hell out when estrogen was in their presence. Ok it had a few more moments of genuine laughter, but it was few and far between, for me at least.
It's hard to recommend this film given my complete lack of knowledge in this arena, but RPGers may enjoy it, or anyone who appreciates geek humor might as well. I'll give the film this, it's ambitious as well as it is kind to the subjects. It doesn't fall prey to harsh stereotypes of nerds, which is refreshing. Setting aside some of the moments that'll make you shake your head, you may appreciate the fact that films like this exist, and maybe this is the portrayal dorks have been asking for.
Thanks to Karin for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email
or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"A low budget film that makes fun of gamers but in a fun way that had me laughing at times, cringing at others." - John Manard
Most horror films have never been my thing, but horror comedies, like "Dead Alive" and "Adventureland", are a real treat, mostly because they don't take their nonsense seriously, and therefore; create a better suspension of disbelief. Plus the scripts get to laugh at themselves, which allows the audience to look aside the stupid formulas and cliches all scary movies use.
"Black Sheep" has all the elements of a good horror comedy, but takes it a step further with one of the most ridiculous concepts ever conceived. Set in New Zealand, a seemingly gentle boy (Henry) is riding a bike through a sheep ranch, when he comes across a cruel prank by his older brother (Angus), who slaughtered a sheep and wore it as a cape in order to frighten the young lad, which apparently worked. Fast forward fifteen years later. After being gone from the family ranch for years Henry develops a phobia of sheep, but returns to sell his share of the ranch to Angus, who is now running it like an evil corporation.
Angus is genetically modifying the sheep with his own DNA, for reasons that are entirely clear, turning them into carnivores. Not only do they feast on flesh, but if they bit someone, they in turn to into some human/sheep hybrid of sorts. Henry comes across two environnmental activists who steal a lab subject, which escapes and infects all the sheep at the ranch, turning the whole place into some zombie sheep ranch. It's up to Henry and his new activist friend to save the day!
Sure the whole damn thing is silly, but that's the point. Zombies themselves are stupid, so having them as sheep isn't really much of a stretch. The characters are a bit thin, and the villain Angus is wholly without motivation beyond doing evil for the sake of it, and it's somehow supposed to be profitable, never mind how. The photography is beautiful at times and the actors do their best given the material. It's gory, memorable, and really just a laughable good time. There will be moments when you're laughing at the movie than with it, but it's still enjoyable.
Thanks to Justin for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email
or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"Lush photography of the beautiful New Zealand hills combines with skin ripping mayhem and over-the-top humor to make one of the funniest of the new wave zombie satires yet." - Ron Wilkinson
There used to be a time when someone would email me stating how they recently came across a great film and would like my take on it. Usually I would end up loving it and in some cases adding it to my collection. Gone are those days as now it seems readers seem to enjoy sending me crap films to watch, who I imagine were wringing their hands and belting out an evil cackle as they made their submission.
I'm a sucker for sports films, whether they be criminally underrated (Cinderella Man, Friday Night Lights), or crowd pleasing, if not saccahrine, romps (Miracle, Rocky, Victory, The Karate Kid). Even at their worst, sports films can be enjoyable as they highlight how dedication to a game can bring out the best in us. To see someone over come obstacles is always a good way to sell tickets, and the formula has worked for so many years the genre won't seem to die soon.
Enter "Shaolin Soccer" which takes an interesting twist on the genre. Set in some city in China, "Shaolin Soccer" tells the story of a disgraced former soccer player who meets a Kung Fu expert and is impressed with how can kick objects that destroy anything in it's path. Inspired by this, he decides to create his own soccer team to compete against his rival, a cigar chomping rich guy who soley exists to do evil to all.
High flying stunts ensue, CGI is implemented, and mildly amusing antics on and off the field are plentiful. The ragged looking team, who seem to have a talent for the martial arts, defy all odds as they work their way through the tournament and become crowd pleasers.
There's really no plot to this film, and it may be the richer for it. A stronger, less ridiculous story in this may have been distracting to the visual treat this film delivers. All of the characters are pretty one dimensional, especially the villian, and I'm hard pressed to recall the name of any of them. There's a few martial arts film references in here, most notably Bruce Lee's "Game of Death", or whichever one it was. I'm sure there giving praise to a lot of other films that I have no idea even exist, so that didn't help my enjoyment of the film. There's a love interest that adds very little, if anything.
"Shaolin Soccer" does have its moments; however few they may be. The Kung Fu soccer is impressive looking and you'll like the matches, if only for about ten minutes. Soccer fans, and martial arts fans alike, may enjoy this, but to anyone else I can't reccomend this.
Thanks to Karin for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email
or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
There are many forms of entertainment that are best left in your past, never to be seen or heard from again. I once had fond memories of watching the television sci-fi show "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century", and would swear it's one of the best programs in its genre. Upon watching that abortion of a show years later I came upon the realization that our aesthetic sensibilities do actually mature, while the rest of my psyche may not.
Hudson Hawk never really got better or worse with age. I saw it in the theatre many years ago with my then girlfriend. We both didn't care for it, but almost twenty years later I thought I may not have given it a chance, or perhaps I didn't appreciate it for whatever reason. I was wrong, so very wrong.
The movie starts Bruce Willis, who plays a cat burglar, conveniently named Hudson Hawk, who was recently released from prison. He gets blackmailed into stealing a statue made by Leonardo DaVinci, but what the incompetent crime bosses, let by none other than Frank Stallone, has on him makes really no sense, but that's ok. The idea is to get a few crystal looking items to fuel a lead-to-gold machine designed by no other than Leonardo himself. We are also introduced to Hawk's partner in crime, Danny Aiello, who sings and dances along with Bruce as do what they do.
Andie McDowell plays a Vatican agent who wants to keep the secret of Leonardo's gold machine out of the hands of corrupt humans, and has the acting chops of all the films you've seen her in before. Oh and Sandra Bernhard and some guy (I lost all interest in knowing his name) conspire to get the machine and the crystal looking things, flood the market with gold, crash worldwide exchanges, and have the world will then bow to them and their vast resources. Oh and to help them get these crystals, they hire a bunch of ex-CIA agents with candy bars as code names, let by none other than James Coburn.
This plot makes no sense, but tries to have a sense of humor about itself, while only telling one mildly funny joke. The rest of their attempts at comedy falls horribly flat, and are just as dull and incompetent as the rest of the script. The plot transitions are as equally confusing, are supposed to be amusing, but will leave on scratching their head.
If they made this funny they would've had a great parody on their hands, but sadly none of this works. It's just lazy, stupid, and has little redeeming value. Hudson Hawk didn't age well in all these years, actually it didn't age at all. It's still as horrifyingly bad as the last time I saw it, so many years ago. At least it's consistent in it's awfulness.
Thanks to Shaun for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll
see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"To say this megamillion Bruce Willis vehicle doesn't fly is understatement in the extreme." - Joe Brown
I have little recollection of the original The Blob. I know I've seen it, and Steve McQueen was in it, and he ran from a theatre which I can only assume contained the mysterious antagonist, but that's about it. When I was asked to review the remake I was thinking about revisiting the original first, but decided against it and let this film speak for itself.
The Blog is hardly original, which being a remake is no shock at all, but it's a safe formula. A small town gets exposed to a threat of fantastic origins and it's up to teenagers to save the day. In this film, the teenagers are a young Kevin Dillon and no one else you've heard of. They fit every cliche, Dillon plays the misunderstood loner who has a the look of someone you want to punch in the face for reasons you can't understand. There's a mildly attractive cheerleader, and jocks with questionable motives. Also present are evil scientists who are in the pocket of the military industrial complex. Combine this with a script that even borrows a line from Star Wars: A New Hope and you have a sci-fi horror film that serviceable.
What makes the film stand out above others is that even though the blob concept seems ridiculous, it actually has suspense. You don't see the creature have any emotion, but you can tell it's cunning. The special effects are really well done in a pre-CGI world, and actually look real instead of the cartoonish images you see today. It did what a sci-fi horror should do, keep you a bit on the edge of your seat.
As a remake I imagine it's no worse than the original, but I'm hard pressed to recommend it. Even though it was far better than I expected, I doubt many would enjoy it above superior sci-fi horror remakes of the time, such as The Thing.
Thanks to Tad for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
You young readers may not be aware of the 80s, but to those growing up in it recall it mostly consisted of fear of everything. Parents in the 80s were glued to talk shows and the like, trying to learn about the latest trend that would turn their precious little snowflake into a coke snorting, satan worshipping, goat rapist.
The satanic panic is one I remember with not so fond memories. Thanks to the journalists with a less than stellar moral code and the neurosis of many, those with children were frightened of harmless things such as heavy metal music and role playing games, one of which was the popular Dungeons and Dragons.
I only played Dungeons and Dragons once, but I ended up getting in a fist fight with the game master and that ended my role playing career. I did enjoy the game, but even as a kid I lost interest quick realizing how much of a money pit it was, and how I couldn't afford it as there was no way my folks would ever buy that stuff for me. They were told by their church and friends that D&D would lead to things such as pagan worship and suicide, and of course believed all of it, because Satan was lurking at every corner after their children.
A cautionary tale was made to warn parents of the dangers of role playing games in the format of a made for TV movie called "Mazes and Monsters." Starring a young Tom Hanks as Robbie, the film starts with three college students convincing Robbie to play a role playing game. Robbie at first relents as he just promised his folks he wouldn't, but of course there's an attractive woman in the group so he has to go.
Robbie then becomes obsessed with the game and his character. He abandons his love life and cares less about his studies. He starts dreaming of the game and a mysterious man who tells him how to live. Why this happens is anyone's guess, but it's assumed he's mentally ill. He leaves school and becomes a missing person as he wanders around New York looking for the "Great Hall" he's been dreaming about, and ends up stabbing a thug in the process. A man hunt ensues for Robbie by his three friends who are certain he may hurt himself as he can't distinguish reality from the game.
My god this movie is horrible. Not only is it satanic panic propaganda, but it's so horribly dated and incompetent that instead of warning viewers of the so called dangers of role playing it ended up being a laughable piece of work. Propaganda should be anything but dull, and this is a great cure for insomnia.
I've had this sitting in my queue for almost a year as WIGSF requested it a long time ago. Why it's even out on DVD is a mystery as there's no reason to watch this outside of a morbid curiosity. Put any interest aside as it sucks. I should add a rule that anyone who submits films this bad will be kicked in the crotch repeatedly.
Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"Although intended as a cautionary tale, it's far more likely to inspire snickers than shudders." - James Sanford
Sometimes it's great to fantasize about being able to altar the course of history. You've been in those conversations about if it's moral to kill Hitler before he became the Furher, or whether you could stop the career of Nickleback.
"The Final Countdown" plays with this idea. It's the story of the aircraft carrier Nimitz, which sounds like a schoolyard bully's taunt. Regardless this 80s carrier has aboard a civilian observer, played by Martin Sheen, and an old fashioned captain played by Kirk Douglas. The carrier leaves Pearl Harbor for a routine voyage, but is then transported back in time to Dec 6th 1941, the day before the Japanese attack Hawaii.
After some initial confusion the captain finally accepts that the impossible has happened. He picks up two boaters who have come under attack of Japanese Zeros, as well as one of the pilots who was shot down by the American jets. One of the boaters is a senator who when he learns of the plot tries to warn the naval base, but is laughed at.
The captain has a decision to make, attack the Japanese fleet with all the might of his overwhelming superior weapons and save thousands of lives, or not altar the course of history. After much debate he finally makes his decision...
"The Final Countdown" is extremely dated, with awful special effects and horrific music, but it's not without merits. The acting by the leads is far better than expected and the plot is interesting, even if the dialogue is not. There are some impressive flight scenes that would even rival "Top Gun", but largely the military readiness shots are straight out of a recruiting video.
I would recommend it based upon said strengths, but the ending is a cop out of the highest order and really made the viewing experience not a worth while one.
Thanks to Greg for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"A solid movie with a lousy ending." - Walter Chaw.
Can't believe it's been over eighty films that has appeared on this list of movie reviews. It all started years ago with a simple idea of watching movies and writing about them, at the reader's request, so here goes with latest film, "When Worlds Collide".
"When Worlds Collide" is about an astronomer who discovers that a star is on a collision course with Earth, and is laughed at by the scientific and political community for his doomsday predictions. He has a few believers who fund his idea of building a spaceship to colonize a new planet around the new star. The construction of the ship doesn't go smoothly as people fight for a right to have a seat on it. A lottery is done to choose who gets to survive or not.
As expected the star comes closer and closer to Earth and wreaks havoc. Violence ensues when people start to riot for a place on the spaceship. Others countries build their own ships and have the same results. Finally the new astronauts take off into the cosmos to rebuild the human race at their new home.
"When Worlds Collide" is shot and set in the early fifties and the production shows. It's look is horribly dated. Like a lot of the sci-fi films at that time, it's plot is an allegory to cold war paranoia. Even with cheesy special effects and art design, it's a good story and far more believable than most current disaster films, and not as cynical. For an old sci-fi film it holds up rather well.
"Dated but enjoyable end of the world flick." - Ken Hanke
Sci-fi can be a tough sell to audiences and Solaris is a perfect example of why. When you see movies such as Norbit and a Fast and Furious sequel top the box office you'll see little demand for slow moving story set in outer space.
Solaris is the story of Chris, a psychiatrist hired to investigate a recent suicide on a space mission around the planet of the same name. He arrives to find a two person crew who are somewhat desperate to get off the ship after strange disappearances of the rest. After a night's rest he dreams of his deceased wife, who suddenly materializes next to him. After the shocking rendezvous he confides in the crew about her, who relate as they've seen a lot of their loved ones as well, all due to the energy they're trying to harvest from the planet.
Solaris is slowly paced, but the photography is brilliant. Sometimes romantic, and often haunting, Solaris is a prodding story about humanity, love, and the possibilities of the hereafter. Some may find it pretentious, and may be bored as the story isn't original at all. I've never seen the source material, nor have any desire, but this is a remake I enjoyed; however audiences and critics weren't as kind to it as I am. Maybe after a few decades people will see it as the masterpiece it truly is.
Thanks to Tad for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"Many will justifiably find [it] a heady experience akin to 90 minutes of watching paint dry. Others will see that paint forming something close to a masterpiece." - Andrew Wright
It's hard to imagine with how plugged in our society is that a big budget modern movie would fly beneath my radar. Such is the case with "Sunshine", which I never heard of, or forgot existed, until Tad demanded reviews of every film on this list.
I turned on the film yesterday not knowing what to expect. "Sunshine" tells the story of eight astronauts on a mission to save the dying sun, and ultimatley give humanity a chance to survive. The crew come across a ship that was long thought destroyed, but had the same mission. In their attempt to reconnect with the other crew everything goes wrong and the mission is jeopardized.
The film works as intellignet sci-fi for the first two acts. The dialogue feels genuine and the visuals are a treat. The third act descends into a cheap horror thriller and how the screenwriters thought they could blend the two is a mystery. The suspense for most of the film works though as the characters are shocking real and never take me out of the story. Danny Boyle creates a few gems in his career and this particular one is largely overlooked. At times it's a thinking person's sci-fi film, which I loved, and at others it's an action piece that drags the story. Stillm the visuals are compelling and it really puts the viewer into the world of space travel, and for that I would recommend it. If the film just centered it's third act around the natural elements being the real antagonist, I would've like it better.
Thanks to Tad for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"So, anyway, younger girls won't like this movie, unless they know what happens under an automobile hood. Younger boys won't like it because the only thing that's possibly going to blow up real good is the sun. But science-fiction fans will like it, and also brainiacs, and those who sometimes look at the sky and think, man, there's a lot going on up there, and we can't even define precisely what a soliton is." - Roger Ebert
Foreign films are a hard sell to most American audiences. Subtitles are not embraced in this country nor are themes that make people actually think. Generally America has a monopoly on Michael Bay crap and thankfully movie goers can opt out of seeing such mindless drek. While I'd love to think that America produces the best and the brightest in film, that is not the case as audiences won't allot.
Timecrimes is a film hailing from Spain. It's starts simply with a man and his wife arriving at a home they're remodeling. He sees a woman in the distance taking off her shirt and unsurprisingly goes to investigate. When he finds her he's attacked by a man whose head is wrapped in bandages and he flees to a scientists home, who hides him in a water tank. When the man goes out of the home he realizes he's just time traveled a few hours and in doing so investigates the events some more.
I can't give much more away as to do so would spoil the whole thing. Timecrimes is a thoughtful piece of sci-fi time travel genre as it follows the idea of man being beholden to their destiny. Logical implications of jumping the time line aside, this is an enjoyable film. The acting is very good, but the copy I had was dubbed, but it wasn't terrible voice overs. Hopefully I lost nothing of the dialogue. It's one people will want to watch a second and maybe third time to fully grasp the events of the non-linear story. The conclusion is up to the viewer and that in and of itself makes it a topic of conversation amongst film buffs.
Thanks to Tad for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"That rarest of rare things: an intelligent time-travel movie that actually holds together on closer examination." - Ken Hanke
Old sci-fi films are a mixed bag for me. While there are some that are really thought provoking and well done (The Day the Earth Stood Still) there are countless others that deserve the ribbing they get from the MST3K cast. It's difficult to find a gem in the genre of sci-fi films from the 50s and 60s, but there are a few that are worth a look.
"The Thing from Another World" is one of those gems. While it's often overlooked now due the superior John Carpenter remake "The Thing", it's a film that's enjoyable. The film takes place at the North Pole, where a team of Air Force supply personnel investigate a reported UFO crash. They find the wreckage, but to their surprise it has a survivor who's hell bent on destroying all of them. The crew locks themselves up in a station and attempts to keep the alien from entering and killing them all.
While the film really doesn't have a deep antagonist, it has great mood. The alien is a cross between Frankenstein's monster and Jaws from the 007 films and at times is genuinely scary. The editing is better than I expected. Sure it has it's corny moments and the dialogue is not high caliber, but the film does hold up well, mostly due to it's atmosphere. Plus fans of the remake can see the elements Carpenter borrowed to make "The Thing" such a success. Howard Hawkes was a very talented director and it shows in this piece.
Thanks to Tad for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"All-time classic sci-fi still packs creepy wallop." - Steve Crum
It's been quite a while since I've done a movie review, but Tad, aka The Jiggaman, requested that I take a look at all movies listed in a recent Fearnet.com article, which is entitled Overlooked And Underrated - Unsettling Science Fiction. It's going to be a tall order as most of these films haven't been overlooked nor are underrated and it would be quite a stretch to call a lot of them unsettling. Still a review I must do, and since WIGSF's request of some obscure Tom Hanks movie still hasn't appeared on my doorstep after almost a year, I'll tackle a movie that most cringe to even accept the fact that it exists.
The writer of Fearnet.com believe Terminator Salvation deserves a bit more love than the disdain given by critics and audiences. I'm hard pressed to see why anyone felt any passion for that film either way. Let me get this out of the way first: I find the whole Terminator franchise overrated. Sure it's a cool concept and it has great characters, but the acting displayed in most of these films takes me out of the story. Sure they're not bad films really, just not something I've ever really embraced as so many others have.
For those unfamiliar, Terminator Salvation takes place after Judgement Day, when a machine controlled Skynet became self aware and decided to try and eliminate the human race. John Connor is now leading the guerrilla resistance against the machines, played by a seemingly bored Christian Bale. Michael Ironside is in the film commanding forces from a submarine. I believe he should be in every action film ever produced.
Sam Worthington takes the role of a cyborg created by Skynet, the only one to escape an attack led by John Conner. Thinking it's human the cyborg is captured by the resistance only to be told otherwise. With the help of a human it saved earlier, it escapes while being pursued by Conner. After the chase is complete they make a deal to help each other infiltrate a Skynet base and save the humans imprisoned there.
It's an ambitious project if nothing else as it strays from the Terminator convention greatly. There's no time travel at all, a lot of the robots are hybrids of vehicles, and the look of the future is nowhere near as slick and glossy as those few minutes displayed in the Cameron films. This is a gritty looking piece, which I like, but I'm hard pressed to find a reason to really give the movie any thought what so ever. The characters were really dull and a few served little to no purpose. Director McG, who was born with two names, doesn't rely too heavily on CGI, which is refreshing, and does give the story some moments, but they are few and far between. This movie had a script that screamed straight to DVD and was about as forgettable as a Highlander sequel.
Fans of the franchise likely went to see this in the theatre, but I imagine most have little recollection of what they saw a month later. They probably sit and recall it being about as fun as sitting through a road trip from Anchorage to Orlando with your bladder disabled grandparents who insist on listening to the same Lawerence Welk album over and over again.
Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"As fascinating as chewing styrofoam, with the occasional firecracker jammed in to make you chew faster." - Rubin Safaya
My brother in-law has a thing for bad horror films. He recommends them to me with almost a sadistic glee. So recently he decided that the wife and I sit down in front of the tube and watch 'Teeth', a girl power film about a teenage virgin with teeth in her vagina, who uses her gift to enact revenge on those who've wronged and/or voilated her. I'm sure every girl has wanted this talent at some point in their life.
I wisely decided this would not equate to a qaulity viewing experience with my wife, so I'm going to watch it alone and write a real-time review. As always, the un-edited results, complete with spoilers, are below:
9:40 AM 2/13/2011 A nice pan shot of a nuclear power plant. Not sure what that's supposed to mean. I still have trouble pronouncing nuclear correctly. Most of my life I said in a similar manner that our former President employed. It's about the only thing we two have in common, well that and our love for beer. 9:42 AM 2/13/2011 Well that was a disturbing scene. Supposedly this movie is about a girl with teeth in her vagina. A boy and a girl are playing in a white trash wading pool. Suddenly the boy has a cut on his finger. I do not like it. 9:43 AM 2/13/2011 I wonder how this script was pitched. I can see a man talking fast about his idea of a girl with genital mutilation in a room full of suits. Someone thought this would make for great entertainment. 9:44 AM 2/13/2011 Awe a lecture about how the loss of virginity is a gift. Why they didn't cast Bristol Palin is anyone's guess. This girl is talking about promise rings, and how she'll only trade it in when she gets a wedding ring. 9:46 AM 2/13/2011 Hearing speeches from older men about the evils of masterbation is as pleasant as watching a porn starring Roseanne. 9:50 AM 2/13/2011 There's a half naked step-brother shooting a pellet gun at something. He's got ugly tatoos. 9:51 AM 2/13/2011 Awe the poor virgin is the source of mockery. Yeah it's too be expected in movies like this. 9:52 AM 2/13/2011 I'm watching a sex ed class that has medical drawing of the vagina censored. Does this take place in Texas? 9:54 AM 2/13/2011 The older step-brother from the previously mentioned pool scene is showing his finger scar to his skank of the week. The plot, it doth thicken. 9:58 AM 2/13/2011 This is a first in movies when a guy tries to feed his girl a dog treat. Truly the mark of great cinema. 9:58 AM 2/13/2011 I remember girls like her in high school who preached the good word of keeping your panties under lock and key. Sometimes I wonder if they just wanted to name any excuse not to sleep with me 10:07 AM 2/13/2011 Wife called. I love her for she's never openly expressed to me how she'd like to cut off my manhood. Well that and many other things. 10:08 AM 2/13/2011 The virgin is getting horny. For whatever reason thunderstorms and old sci-fi films really do it for her. Awe she's imagining her wedding night with her dweeby looking love interest, only to be interrupted by an image of a mutant scorpion. 10:14 AM 2/13/2011 The poor teacher is trying to teach evolution and how it benefits survival. 10:15 AM 2/13/2011 Why is it that the first bit of gratudious nudity involves naked man ass? 10:15 AM 2/13/2011 I'm glad I didn't have a cell phone in high school. I wouldn't have to be broken up with while I'm naked in a locker room with a bunch of man ass surrounding me. 10:17 AM 2/13/2011 The virgin is trying to have a serious talk with her older pot smoking loser of a step brother. He's making fun of her and her virginity as to be expected. 10:18 AM 2/13/2011 Surprisingly this girl is doing a far better job of acting than this script should allot. 10:19 AM 2/13/2011 She's wearing a shirt now that says 'Warning, sex changes everything'. I don't think it would have the effect she's going for. 10:20 AM 2/13/2011 Awe the virgin and her dweeby boyfriend are staring at each other in their swimsuits. Young love is such a grand thing. 10:20 AM 2/13/2011 Really little has happened since the opening credits. 10:21 AM 2/13/2011 I kind of feel for Captain Dweeb. He seems like a nice chap as does she. At some point he's going to unravel the mystery that is the Jaws vagina, and this shall not end well for him. 10:24 AM 2/13/2011 Virgin and Captain Dweeb are making out. She's resisting reminding him of his sacred promise. Damnit. Captain Dweeb is turning into a madman. He just cried out stating that he hasn't jerked off since Easter. I'm not a prude or anything, but wouldn't jerking off on the day of Christ's resurrection be a sin of the highest order? 10:26 AM 2/13/2011 Well captain dweeb has indeed forced himself on the virgin and has paid a terrible price. His manhood is now residing in a cave next to a swimming hole. The close up of his dismembered junk wasn't really necessary. 10:28 AM 2/13/2011 One would assume if a guy suddenly lost his penis to the gaping teeth of a vagina one would pick it up and run to the hospital. Perhaps I'm different. 10:31 AM 2/13/2011 She seems to be handling rape that ends with a severed penis rather well. 10:33 AM 2/13/2011 I don't care what they're saying, kids chanting anything is creepy. 10:35 AM 2/13/2011 The music is some of the worst I've ever heard. 10:36 AM 2/13/2011 Another dude asked the ex-virgin out. She replied that is was funny, but apologized. He just got punched by the step-brother. 10:37 AM 2/13/2011 The victim now returns to the scene of the crime. His penis is till there being food for a crab. Yes that just happened. 10:38 AM 2/13/2011 She's now taking off her promise ring and dropping it off a cliff. Because I'm so starved for entertainment I was kind of hoping that the Top Gun theme would play in the background. 10:40 AM 2/13/2011 She's now getting to the bottom of this mystery thanks to the joys of the internet. Remember when bad movies of old would have teens sitting around a library? Those were the days. 10:41 AM 2/13/2011 Oh dear. She's now at the doctor's office, who had terrible landscaping. 10:42 AM 2/13/2011 This poor doctor. Eight years of schooling to find the greatest medical find ever. Sure enough ex-virgin can't tell him what's going on down there. She's too shy to say it and lets him examine her. 10:45 AM 2/13/2011 Oh my he's went all 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle on Her'. I'm so glad I'm a guy. 10:45 AM 2/13/2011 Is every guy in this movie a complete asshole? 10:46 AM 2/13/2011 So this girl's agent said to her you'll play someone who's vagina dismembers the fingers and penises of men who attempt to take advantage of you. She said 'Yay I'm going to be a movie star!' 10:51 AM 2/13/2011 She's cursed with something called 'Vagina Dentada'. It sounds like 'Akuna Matada'. 10:52 AM 2/13/2011 She's confessed her Jaws vagina to a guy who has a crush on her. He decided to try and seduce her by lighting candles and being really nice. I hope he loses his junk. Someone that stupid deserves to be taken out of the gene pool. 10:55 AM 2/13/2011 She's falling for the seduction and after two tramatic experiences decides intercourse is a splendid idea. Actually it seemed to go very well. 10:59 AM 2/13/2011 So apparently her vagina can be welcoming at times. Only when it's violated does it seem to react poorly. 11:00 AM 2/13/2011 So the guy crush is a bad person after all. 11:01 AM 2/13/2011 Yeah, seeing another severed penis is an image I really didn't need. 11:03 AM 2/13/2011 No. I do not need to see penis reattachement surgery. No I do not. 11:07 AM 2/13/2011 The plot thickens even deeper. Apparently the white trash step brother let the mother die. So now it's time for revenge. What better way to employ this than with a little genital mutilation? 11:11 AM 2/13/2011 Yes she's sleeping with her step-brother. It's going to get even more surreal. 11:12 AM 2/13/2011 Revenge is a dish best served with a side of dismembered penis. 11:12 AM 2/13/2011 This is far more graphic than it needs to be. 11:13 AM 2/13/2011 Apparently dogs like Penis & Bits. 11:16 AM 2/13/2011 The girl is leaving town with her Jaws vagina. An old creepy guy has picked her up. He's locked her in the car. She gives him a seductive look. Roll credits. 11:17 AM 2/13/2011 Well that was a painful experience. 11:21 AM 2/13/2011 Line from the credits: "No man was harmed during the making of this film."
For a dark comedy/horror film it wasn't that bad. If you truly want to see how long you can keep your legs crossed for an hour and a half then this movie is for you.
Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"After Dawn comes to understand her remarkable genital gift, it's pretty much one can-you-top-this gross-out scene after another." - Andrew O'Hehir
"Movies cannot be complete donkey shit." Thus sayeth the first rule of my movie reviews. Sadly some have chose to ignore this. Last review was of the miserable dreck that is 'The Human Centipede' and tonight I bring you a film requested by Mattbear, who wanted it done in the same style, real-time babbling.
So I set aside rule number one to accomodate Mattbear's request and the results are below, unedited, for your pleasure, a review of Bitch Slap:
7:31 PM 1/24/2011 Bombshell Pictures is the company responsible for this. The logo has a WWII bomber with a Betty-esque painting on the front of it. I suppose they thought this was clever. I think it's an affront to every veteran bomber who's ever served. Okay that may be a sretch.
7:33 PM 1/24/2011 No credits yet, just a scantily clad bleeding female surrounded by the wreckage of a flaming car, because what else would be appropriate?
7:34 PM 1/24/2011 Interesting. Credits are spliced with 'girl power' films. Yes there is Faster Pussycat Kill Kill.
7:34 PM 1/24/2011 Tootsie? Really?
7:35 PM 1/24/2011 There's something really hilarious about a girl in a swimsuit dancing next to a stove while holding a frying pan and balancing food in it. You had to have been there. Then again maybe it's lucky you're not.
7:35 PM 1/24/2011 Girls in slow motion exiting a vehicle. This movie stars a lot of cleavage.
7:37 PM 1/24/2011 If you're trying to kill someone who resides in a trailer in the middle of a desert, odds are they best be left alone. Their life is more hellish than any kind of torture you can implement.
7:38 PM 1/24/2011 I'm seriously watching a movie that involves three women who are holding a man captive. That man is wearing skimpy underwear with a tiger on the front of it.
7:40 PM 1/24/2011 A flashback already? I'm guessing this is not entirely necessary to the plot.
7:40 PM 1/24/2011 This has some of the worst green screening since The Sound of Thunder.
7:42 PM 1/24/2011 I've done no research for this film besides watching the trailer. Judging by the visuals and the dialogue I think it's either based on a comic book or it's really really awful or both.
7:44 PM 1/24/2011 This is obviously some kind of Russ Meyer tribute, but it doesn't have the quality of any one of his films. I say that without sarcasm.
7:45 PM 1/24/2011 Another flashback. Awe isn't the director cute? He thinks non-linear story telling makes this film more entertaining. I wish I could pat him on the head.
7:46 PM 1/24/2011 I just watched a stripper dressed as a nurse lift the penis of a native African statue.
7:48 PM 1/24/2011 And we have another flashback. This is getting annoying.
7:50 PM 1/24/2011 With all the cleavage and such I know if I were 12 I'd sing the praises of the film as if it were Citizen Kane.
7:51 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh finally some semblance of a plot.
7:53 PM 1/24/2011 It doesn't make me happy that the first bit of nudity I see in this film is of a man's ass.
7:54 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh yes. A cleavage montage. I used to consider myself a man obsessed with breasts, but that's nothing surprising because I'm a straight man. Maybe I'm getting older but seeing women in slow motion all scantily clad doesn't have the effect it used to. Maybe if they started kissing I would enjoy this more.
7:56 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh the clueless cop. He pulls up and sees three women exposing more skin than your average tropical native and doesn't find anything suspicious.
7:58 PM 1/24/2011 Ha. The cops' name is Fuchs. Sounds like 'Fukes', but spelled 'Fuchs'. Oh such comedy not seen since that first Fockers movie.
8:00 PM 1/24/2011 I kind of like the cop. He's not that dumb. I do hope he survives this.
8:02 PM 1/24/2011 Strippers with automatic weapons. This sounds like the perfect strip club for Texas.
8:05 PM 1/24/2011 This movie has everyone a man with no brain and more testosterone than a horny bull could want. Lesbians fighting, cleavage, weapons of all kinds, and...holy shit she just took a jumper cable to the man's testicles. Well at least he didn't do the cliche thing and talk like a chipmunk.
8:08 PM 1/24/2011 Now the three have suddenly no urgency to dig up their treasure before a mobster comes and slaughters them. They decide to have a water fight instead. In slow motion no less. There's more jiggling going on here than a workout session of The Biggest Loser. This kinda makes me happy.
8:10 PM 1/24/2011 For god's sake its' Kevin Sorbo.
8:11 PM 1/24/2011 They seriously said the word 'hiney'. I can only imagine this was written by an eight year old.
8:11 PM 1/24/2011 The corpse they just dug up kind of looks like Kevin Bacon. I have no idea what these three girls are talking about. I know it's supposed to be essential to the plot, but really does this need any story at all?
8:14 PM 1/24/2011 Finally two of the girls are having sex. Well fully clothed sex. Of course this does nothing to advance the plot. I choose not to ask the difficult questions.
8:16 PM 1/24/2011 The third girl is pissed off about being left out of the lesbian activity, mostly because she's in a relationship with one of them. One would think there's only one good solution, but instead she wields a gun. Hell hath no fury like an angry lipstick lesbian who's well versed with handguns.
8:20 PM 1/24/2011 Of course they had to write in an asian lady in a catholic school girl outfit.
8:22 PM 1/24/2011 This is the third time I've heard the phrase 'dry fucking' used instead of 'bull shitting'.
8:23 PM 1/24/2011 I've lost count of how many flashback scenes have taken place. The number of flashback scenes that have been essential to the plot = zero.
8:25 PM 1/24/2011 Hahah. The prison guards say 'inmate 1138'. Yes the screenwriters are a fan of Star Wars, or George Lucas at least. Yes I'm a geek. Sad that was the most amusing thing spoken thus far.
8:26 PM 1/24/2011 It's hard to keep up with just how many fucked up things are taking place in front of me.
8:29 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh the valiant cop shows up to save the day. You know this is unrealistic when a cop says 'drop the weapon' more than twice without unloading into the suspect.
8:30 PM 1/24/2011 The slutty asian woman has a deadly yo-yo. Just let that sink in for a bit.
8:32 PM 1/24/2011 I just noticed that the tough girl's name is Camaro. I once owned a Camaro. When I was in high school the stereotype was that girls that drive Camaros are complete whores. I have no idea where I'm going with this.
8:34 PM 1/24/2011 Awe this cop is a fan of the stripper's work and is explaining how much of a fan he is. She thinks it's sweet that he takes such an interest in seeing her dance around naked. Yeah it's so hard getting guys to like seeing naked women work a pole. The cop knows she has a heart of gold and is appealing to her maternal instincts.
8:37 PM 1/24/2011 The plot is truly unraveling in a manner that you would expect.
8:37 PM 1/24/2011 I'm watching nuns confess to each other. Now there's oral in a confessional. Awe how cute. The tough chick was once a nun who rebelled.
8:40 PM 1/24/2011 Even as a tribute film this sucks. Kill Bill this is not.
8:42 PM 1/24/2011 For as much scantily clad women as there are in this movie, and the fact that it says 'Unrated' in the title, there's surprisingly little nudity.
8:43 PM 1/24/2011 Is this the moment of truth? I can't really tell. Seriously I'm unsure of this movie will be over yet. I'll give the girls this, they fight convincingly. Seriously the fight choreography is really good.
8:46 PM 1/24/2011 The only way this film could appeal to slack jawed men any more is if between fighting and showing off cleavage the women would make sub sandwiches.
8:50 PM 1/24/2011 A German in leiderhosen fighting a woman in a sexy winter bikini on the top of the Alps, this is the scene that is taking place before me and is far sillier than my limited vocabulary can explain.
8:53 PM 1/24/2011 Apparently the moment of truth hasn't happened yet.
8:54 PM 1/24/2011 Awe. Lipstick lesbian dreams of bliss are being shared.
8:54 PM 1/24/2011 I know this movie doesn't take itself seriously in any way, but even this is too much for me. This movie is like the John Woo of bitchploitation cinema, only without the doves.
8:55 PM 1/24/2011 Ahh this might be the moment of truth.
8:56 PM 1/24/2011 One girl just bit another girls vagina. This is a first for cinema I believe.
8:57 PM 1/24/2011 The stripper has as much use in this as Daphne in Scooby Doo.
9:00 PM 1/24/2011 Rape is still disturbing regardless of which gender the participants, willing and otherwise, are.
9:01 PM 1/24/2011 The cop kind of reminds me of a poor man's Bruce Campbell right now.
9:05 PM 1/24/2011 A midget stripper firing an automatic weapon....folks it doesn't get any better than this.
9:08 PM 1/24/2011 This movie has more twists than a Shaymalan film, or all of his films combined. None of which are interesting or surprising.
9:11 PM 1/24/2011 How exactly did she hide that there?
9:12 PM 1/24/2011 It takes a special kind of white trash to design and build a hearse into a muscle car.
9:12 PM 1/24/2011 The last line of this film is 'last one there's a rotten egg'. I'm sure it's referencing something I'm missing, but I don't care. I'm sure there's many references in this film that are in no way interesting.
9:13 PM 1/24/2011 Credits are rolling with images of the lower torsos of women shaking it. It's at least comprehensible.
9:15 PM 1/24/2011 The credits are trying to be clever and are failing.
9:15 PM 1/24/2011 If I were better versed in Russ Meyer films I may enjoy this. Probably not. Wait? This footage at the end credits is all girls showing off in front of web cam. Ok that's kind of funny.
Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"The latest proof that calculated camp in the form of homage is nearly impossible to pull off." - Ernest Hardy
It's been over a year since my last movie review, but tonight I finally got the chance to finish one of the last two requests I've received. Still this will be different than any other review I've done as I wrote it in real time. I've even time stamped the comments through the viewing of the film.
What movie could I possibly be referring to? Well it's none other than "The Human Centipede" requested by The Tad. I post this un-edited for your enjoyment or source of mockery. It was actually fun to write, even though the viewing experience was less than pleasant. Let's jump to Wiwille's first ever real time review, what do you say? Beware for there are spoilers.
8:07 PM 1/19/2011 I start up the movie. Something keeps telling me to back out of this review, but I'm loyal. The fonts for the opening credits are what you'd expect from a movie on this budget.
8:08 PM 1/19/2011 Friggin netflix is adjusting to the internet speed.
8:08 PM 1/19/2011 Already starting off creepy. A zombie Lance Hendrickson look alike staring at dog photos.
8:10 PM 1/19/2011 Already our first kill followed by the title. This is the first sequence apparently. Wow, the movie going public will be graced with more high brow cinema.
8:10 PM 1/19/2011 These girls do look like the type you may see at a KMFDM concert.
8:11 PM 1/19/2011 Awe. One's in love. Will the faceless love interest be the hero to these damsels in distress? One may only hope.
8:12 PM 1/19/2011 She seriously asked what a tire blowing out was? This worldly girl was unaware of the sound a flat tire makes? And she asked in that slow bad acting kind of way too. "What....was that?" Truly the mark of a great screenplay.
8:14 PM 1/19/2011 They need to switch to Verizon.
8:14 PM 1/19/2011 Two American girls who travel to Europe and rent a car have no idea how to change a tire, nor make any attempt at doing so.
8:15 PM 1/19/2011 Awe how sweet. A fat perverted German who gets off on speaking in an ungentlemanly fashion to tourists. I bet Mrs Wiwille will be so upset I watched this without her.
8:17 PM 1/19/2011 I know these are fictional characters and all, but ask yourself this readers: If you're faced with a broken down car in the middle of the Black Forest do you a) walk down the road hoping to find help, b) walk into the depth of a forest that you're completley unfamiliar with? If you chose 'b' I forsee in your future a swift removal from the gene pool.
8:20 PM 1/19/2011 They still have yet to check their cell phones for a signal since the fateful moment their car got a flat.
8:21 PM 1/19/2011 Zombie Lance Hendrickson now looks like Stacy Keach after a year of doing meth.
8:21 PM 1/19/2011 Now the girls really look like someone you'd see at a KMFDM concert, except they wear less black.
8:22 PM 1/19/2011 My mother told me never to step into the strange home that's occupied by a German. Those crafty devils are always up to something.
8:24 PM 1/19/2011 Wait, he put roofies in the girls' water? Wouldn't they taste that from the start? Not that I know anything about them....
8:25 PM 1/19/2011 You'd think he'd start with the creepy act after they consumed the water. He was absent the day of 'lure your prey into your secret labratory' in Creepy doctoring 101.
8:26 PM 1/19/2011 I can't tell if this will be just a bad horror film or the start of the greatest porn of all time.
8:27 PM 1/19/2011 So it was roofies!
8:28 PM 1/19/2011 He finds the vein much quicker than any nurse I've ever encountered.
8:29 PM 1/19/2011 So the German hunter is alive after all. That's great. I bet he was hunting hasenpfeffer! I've always wanted an excuse to include the word hasenpfeffer on this blog and now I finally have my chance. Happy day.
8:32 PM 1/19/2011 One has to question why a brilliant, albeit insane, doctor would go through the trouble of burying a body in his backyard. Couldn't he use lye or something? Just seems like a lot of work and a good way to leave evidence behind. We all know the Germans are well versed in body disposal, but do human remains make for good fertilizer or something? I can't believe I'm typing this.
8:36 PM 1/19/2011 He's more thorough in telling his evil plans to his victims than any Bond villian in history.
8:36 PM 1/19/2011 The doctor's mother never told him that you never go ass to mouth (zing).
8:37 PM 1/19/2011 I'm kind of disappointed that the Japanese guy is speaking Japanese. It would be funny to hear German being spoke with an Asian accent. Yes I'm right now that starved for entertainment while watching a movie no less.
8:40 PM 1/19/2011 I blame Bugs Bunny and Hogan's Heroes for the fact that whenever I hear the German language, or English spoken with a German accent, I always think they're plotting something.
8:42 PM 1/19/2011 I'm no master of arms, but wouldn't banging the glass out of a window with the barrel of a rifle seem like a good way to be the recipient of a Darwin Award?
8:45 PM 1/19/2011 The doctor said "game over" for no apparent reason. At least I think it was game over. I can't really tell.
8:47 PM 1/19/2011 My brother in-law's fiance describe this movie as gross. He recommended that I watch this. I now think he hates me. We have tentative plans to go hunting together. This won't end well.
8:49 PM 1/19/2011 I will give it this, the cinematographer's use of color is actually a highlight. No seriously.
8:52 PM 1/19/2011 Due to the magic of Facebook I found out my friend Leif is watching this, because he wants to.
8:55 PM 1/19/2011 For the love of all that is holy and good the big reveal shot is now upon me. The doctor is now examining his work. I wonder why he put the Japanese guy at the front. He was the one screaming the most. I bet the actresses fired their agents immediately after this shoot. I hope they got paid a lot of money having their face buried in another person's ass.
8:59 PM 1/19/2011 Until right now I used to consider myself someone with a pretty strong constitution when it comes to things of this nature.
9:01 PM 1/19/2011 See Heir doctor, you could've had a much easier time breaking through the language barrier if you put one of the girls up front. You're not so smart after all.
9:03 PM 1/19/2011 I'm saddened to report that right now is the best line delivery the actresses have yet to display.
9:05 PM 1/19/2011 When I first heard the concept of this film I figured the doctor would do something cool like fuse together all three of their central nervous systems.
9:12 PM 1/19/2011 Does every bad horror movie have an inevitable villain meets cops scene? And do the cops always seem suspicious. but never act on their better instinct? Yes you say? Oh.
9:15 PM 1/19/2011 My personal hell will be the eternal screams of German people.
9:20 PM 1/19/2011 I'm unsure as to what has just transpired.
9:21 PM 1/19/2011 The Japanese guy rocks, but is poorly trained in how to kill someone using only your teeth.
9:22 PM 1/19/2011 I just realized that I have no idea what the characters' names are. I'm naming the girl in the middle Olga.
9:23 PM 1/19/2011 So this is what the whole torture porn genre is all about.
9:24 PM 1/19/2011 Finally a moment of suspense, but what I'm really upset about is that I'm watching this absurd film and it doesn't have any gratuitous nudity that can in any way be viewed as hot. If you do think the nudity in this film turns you on in any manner then I hope to never meet you under any circumstance.
9:26 PM 1/19/2011 Never bring a shard of glass to a scalpel fight.
9:28 PM 1/19/2011 I have no idea what the Japanese guy is going on about. He seems to be waxing philo...holy hell he's no longer with us. Didn't see that coming. Poor bastard, but actually I'd want to off myself if I was part of this production as well.
9:31 PM 1/19/2011 Has the torture porn genre always been this devoid of scares? Is it sad that I kind of wish the cops would start goose stepping around the doctor's place?
9:33 PM 1/19/2011 See Japanese guy. If you only held on to hope and not offed yourself you could be walking amongst the living and the girls may have given you a sympathy BJ. Girls with no teeth no less. But no you had to be selfish and stick glass directly into your throat. Now Olga and her friend are dying and it's all your damn fault. You will go down in history as the man who died with a girl's mouth sewed to his ass. Well done you.
9:36 PM 1/19/2011 Credits rolling. I'm exhausted. I make a mental list of everyone involved in this. I want to fight them.
9:39 PM 1/19/2011 Credits are done. It should come as no surprise to you that I hated it, but what is a shock is how boring it was. Really after the big reveal little happened that doesn't in almost every other horror, sans the feces eating.
Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.
"There are terrible movies and there are loathsome movies. And then there's that rare breed so idiotic, exploitative and sickening one wishes they could be scrubbed from memory." - Michael Ordona.
Period pieces can be a tough sell if the audience who lived during the film's setting is still alive. Audiences are quick to scrutinize a movie taking place during a time and region they're familiar with. Still when a director pulls it off the results can be amazing. I recall my folks being amazed by the dialogue and look of LA Confidential or my Grandpa Mario telling me how The Grapes of Wrath wasn't just a piece of fiction, but a tale many endured during the Great Depression.
Sometimes we even choose to accept the reality of a film we know deep down is a poor representation of anything resembling authenticity. For example I'll paraphrase the great Tony Horowitz: Nothing has had such an impact on romanticizing the antebellum south than Gone with the Wind, a movie that was shot on a Hollywood back lot. Many have chosen to accept the characterization as accurate even though Tara nor the characters that inhabited it ever existed.
The Man in the Moon is one of those films that transported me to a time and place I'm largely unfamiliar with, but for whatever reason it felt authentic. Taking place in late 50s it tells the story of two southern teenage sisters who are entering that confusing time of growing into woman hood. The younger sister, played brilliantly by Reese Witherspoon, falls for her neighbor. The boy is a few years older and can't take being the object of affection by someone so seemingly naive, especially when he meets her older sister. Drama ensues, tragedy is struck, and both girls come to accept life's hardships and start to put aside childhood fantasies.
Films are fiction as we all know, but when a writer captures the feeling of a time we may hardly remember, or in some cases want to forget, we can't help be entertained. The Man in the Moon seems like a simple coming of age story, but it's one that truly respects it's characters. Rather than showing teenagers as simply shallow and selfish the scripts allows them to be thoughtful, decent, and at their worst confused, which is very refreshing. With strong performances by the already mention Reese Witherspoon in her first role the movie is worth it for the acting alone. What amazed me most about the story is how it arcs almost wildly through emotions, but is never corny or cheap. As I said before the script respects it's players, but the director also shows the same for his audience.
No one actually submitted this for review, but a few bloggers recommended this so I thought what the hell. I haven't written about film in a while. Given the movie's strengths I would recommend it, but it's something I'll never watch again for reasons I won't get into.
Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on Erik's Ramblings. Rules are posted here.
"As the film approached its conclusion without having stepped wrong once, I wondered whether he could do it - whether he could maintain the poetic, bittersweet tone, and avoid the sentimentalism and cheap emotion that could have destroyed this story. Would he maintain the integrity of this material? He would, and he does." - Roger Ebert
Sci-fi films are somewhat of a mixed bag. When they're good, they're excellent, but the majority is chock full of stupidity. Granted even some of the worst are well intentioned and have an interesting premise, but for whatever reason the end result becomes a nonsensical story that relies on effects in place of fleshing out a decent plot. Still you have to give the makers of some films for their originality, especially if you're largely unfamiliar with B films, as I am.
