Jun 30, 2010
Remember that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where Willie has to stick her arm through the hole filled with bugs to reach a lever that saves the life of the famous archaeologist and Short Round? Yes Kelly's fear of insects is so paralyzing I'm convinced she might, unlike Dr Jone's love interest, just let the ceiling crush me into dust.
This morning as she was getting ready to go to work she bolts into the bedroom. She works early and it's four in the morning. She announces that there's a cock roach roaming about on the kitchen counter. This is a job for Superfiance!
Yes I drug myself out of bed at the wee hours of the morning and sent a bug to insect heaven. I of course made it seem like it was a task worthy of the space marines from Starship Troopers, but in reality I had only a napkin as a weapon and a garbage can as it's disposal.
Still I couldn't help but feel all manly squishing the insect and saving my fiance from her fears. I crawled back into bad happy with this fact and rested my superhero head on my pillow.
"People have no tolerance. They think all bugs are bad. It's the American way. If you don't like something, kill it." - Carl Olson
Jun 28, 2010
Most of my experience playing golf is at an old par 3 course in my hometown. My friend Nic and I would often take his dad's clubs, along with a six pack of beer, and tear it up on the beat up grounds that was located in the middle of an industrial park. We never cared about the score, nor did anything really matter besides how much alcohol we consumed and how much fun we were having.
I met up with Kelly's brother, dad, and step-dad (yes they hang out frequently) at the Four Seasons resort ready to show off my ineptness at the Scottish game. Even though I usually play on par 3 courses I've played 18 holes before, even without a cart. I figured it would be a nice leisurely day, but I hadn't counted on one factor, the friggin heat.
The day before Kelly bought me a polo that breathes and some shoes that would accommodate hot weather, but it still wasn't enough. I felt like I was on fire. Sweat gushed out of every pore while I prayed to Mars that I wouldn't get swamp ass.
It didn't help my golf game any. Most of my drives, or lack thereof, were followed by screams of "worthless pig fucking communist" and "I used to fuck whores like you in high school." Payne Stewart I am not, but I made the most of it as everyone else showed me up. Kelly's brother noticed that I've never been taught how to swing correctly and gave me some pointers, but it didn't help matters much. I slowed everyone down and seemed to get under their skin. It was so bad I just gave up halfway through the last few holes so we could end at a reasonable time.
I was so dehydrated and sun burnt I rushed home in a daze. Kelly called me and asked if I was ok, but I guess I sounded like Henry Kissinger on quaaludes on the phone which made her quite nervous. She ordered me to drink as much water as I could handle.
The group made tentative plans to golf while we're all in the Bahamas for my wedding. I'd rather try masturbating with a belt sander.
"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing." - Dave Barry
Jun 24, 2010
Both Kelly and I agree that this should all be done after getting married, but that hasn't stopped her from dreaming about the blessed day of newborn arrival. She's been browsing the internet looking up information on how to have a baby girl. As we know they're all a bunch of wives tales and no real evidence can back up any of these claims, but since I'm all doctor like I have a few methods I suggested that may ensure we indeed spawn the fairer sex. This lab coat I'm wearing proves that I'm all sciencey and stuff. The staff at One Bad Apple have helped in this research and would like to inform you all of how to have a girl:
- I have discovered that through massive amounts of oral boy sperm are the only ones that are being released. So if you want to save up the girlies for conception the guy must receive a good BJ on a daily basis.
- Girls respond to estrogen so if you want the female floaties to really be active it only makes sense to have more females present. Yes that means a hot threesome (2 girls and 1 guy for those who are a bit slow) should be the norm of a couples' sex life.
- Since it's been proven that women are more likely to follow orders under the influence of alcohol the man should be slightly buzzed before sex. This will allow the female sperm to respond to commands of 'mush' in their flight to the ovaries.
- Manly foods should be consumed by the guy in order to drive out the girl sperm quicker. A healthy diet of steak and dark beer should be the norm.
So there you have it folks. You can trust such diligent research as me, Dr Wiwille, is known the world over for my love of all things scientific. This means if you doubt these methods you probably believe Jesus walked with dinosaurs.
"On October 28th, 1887, I became the mother of a girl baby, the very image of its father, at least that is what he said, but who has the temper of its mother." - Calamity Jane
Jun 23, 2010
We saw a large billboard on the freeway with an older black woman dressed with a handkerchief over her head and had a very maternal smile. On the other side was a young black man who seemed to be pulling his pants down exposing his underwear. The sign stated the wise words of the elderly woman:
"Big Mama says: Pull Em Up! Keep it a secret."
I like Big Mama's attempt at destroying the fad that started in the early 90s. One would think that pulling down your pants would've gone out of style long ago, but sadly it has carried on. Still I was curious to how this billboard ended up on the freeway next to the sketchier neighborhood in Dallas. Interestingly enough it's a campaign by Dallas Mayor Caraway who feels strongly that showing your boxers can lead to many social ills.
I just think it's stupid, so he's got my vote.
I wonder if Seattle's mayor will put billboards on I5 saying "Grizzly boy says: Don't wear socks with sandals. If it's cold wear shoes."
"It's young people -- 18- and 19-year-old voters -- who put Barack Obama in the White House. You are powerful. So look like it." - Irma P. Hall, Big Mama model.
Jun 21, 2010
I kind of liked it actually, although I do understand complaints from most as very few in Seattle have air conditioning in their homes. Still it was a change of pace from the nine months of slow drizzle and I embraced it for the short spell.
Texas heat is something Tarzan couldn't take. My car has black leather interior. Some days when it's been parked outside I step into it and my sunglasses fog up immediately. It hurts just to touch the steering wheel. I usually jump in, start the car, and jump out for five minutes to let it cool. My back is always drenched with sweat and I shower at least twice daily. I lose about five lbs in water weight each day I'm out in what feels like the gates of Hell. I never wear pants anymore. Sporting shorts and flips flops is my daily style.
See in Washington we'd plan our outdoor activities based on the rain. Here it's the heat. Kelly and I had our engagement pictures done last week, all outdoors, and while we were dressed nicely we were puddles of sweat and gross. It's amazing how beautiful she looks in them when we were just exhausted being out in the sun all day.
Whenever I tell the locals my view on the weather here they remind me that it's only June. Sigh.
"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?" - Steven Wright
Jun 18, 2010
Kelly's mom, Diane (a.k.a. Rose), did her first promotion at Ernie's where she planned the band, theme (Hawaiian), and food last night. Of course we, and a bunch of other family members, had to attend.
The people watching was worth it alone. There was a bald headed gent with a really bad mustache who I swore was G. Gordon Liddy. I asked Kelly about the resemblance, but she was unfamiliar with the convicted felon turned conservative talk show host. Those who did recall Watergate's main players agreed. After a few rounds I finally asked him if he was ever mistaken for anyone famous. He replied that people did say he looked like someone, but he couldn't recall the name. He did remember that person was in jail.
One lady could be best described as a used up Carol Burnett, with a lot of plastic surgery and botox. I don't think it was possible for the woman to show more than one facial expression.
Then there was a woman with long hair and tiny halter top that let her boobs sag to her knees. She was in great shape and looked like an old dance instructor. She got on the dance floor with a burly man who I guessed used to box kangaroos in the circus. He wore a sleeveless black shirt and looked surly as he showed off his arms that were the size of my waist, but I tell you this guy could boogie. They both had grace as they swooned across the floor impressing all in attendance. Their skills were not matched by anyone that night.
All the other folk were dressed in manners you would expect from the geriatric sect. Old button down shirts and shoes that went out of style in 1987, the men were having fun entertaining and flirting with women of their age group. The gals loved the attention as most were dressed to impress with make up by Mary Kay.
Fun was being had and they were at the age where they couldn't give a damn less what anyone else thought. No longer were they too cool for school, these folks were spending their twilight years enjoying themselves and blowing their social security on having moments they'll never forget, at least before dementia kicked in. God bless them for that.
"Almost all my middle-aged and elderly acquaintances, including me, feel about 25, unless we haven't had our coffee, in which case we feel 107." - Martha Beck
Jun 17, 2010
Of course this has brought up interesting discussion on the officer's actions. Most I've heard believe the man had no reason or business to strike the girl in the face, or any female for that matter. There are a few that believe the girl had it coming. If you don't want to get hit don't strike someone is their philosophy.
Surprisingly I'm torn over this. Looking at it from a cop's perspective he's surrounded by a bunch of people with those resisting arrest. He attempts to detain a person when another shoves him. This is a guy carrying all sorts of weapons (gun, tazer, baton, mace, etc) and his main priority is to keep those out of the hands of citizens. If anyone gets their hands on me means my safety, and of those around me, are compromised. Immediate reaction is warranted. Sure maybe a punch in the face was a bit much, but then again isn't it better than being tazered or clubbed? Simply pushing back will often only incite more reaction
But let's get to the real issue at hand. Because this mammoth 17 year old is a girl people have been crying foul, but would we pay any attention if it was a boy the same size? I mean shouldn't we all be looked upon as equals under the law?
I'm not one to blindly give my support for law enforcement. They are often under paid and worse have training that is sub-par. The actions of this officer prove why it's important that police should spend more time in the dojo. Still this event could've been avoided if the girl had simply kept her hands to herself and accepted that she will have her day in court to fight whatever charge she was going to be tasked with. For all of you let this be a lesson. If you don't want to get punched, don't hit people. It's just that simple.
I used to live a few blocks from where this happened. Yes it was a great neighborhood with upstanding individuals.
"One could laugh at the world better if it didn't mix tender kindliness with its brutality." - David Herbert Lawrence
Jun 16, 2010
Now that the World Cup is back in action soccer fans around the globe are tuning in to watch their countrymen try to take a title home. Now I understand what all the big deal is, but trying to view the event is even worse.
The South African fans, in all their wisdom, have decided to bring out vuvuzela horns, which are not necessarily a bad thing. Mexican fans use them, usually when a goal is scored or when a good play is noticed on the pitch, but our brothers in Africa see their usage a little differently. Instead of using them sparingly all through out the match you hear a dull 'buzzzzzzzzzzzzz' drowning out commentators, fans singing their club's songs, cheers, etc. It really takes away from the atmosphere that makes the game fun.
This annoys players, fans, coaches, and folks watching the broadcast. Of course the South Africans believe any sort of criticism is really an attack on their forefathers. According to the jackasses they claim the monotone horn is part of their culture and they feel proud to blare such music for the world to hear. Actually they were nothing but a communication tool, so I guess American fans should blast Morse code at high pitch decibels annoying the living hell out of players and fans alike and when anyone complains harass them for putting down our heritage.
Really I'm not all that interested in the World Cup anyways, because professional soccer offers nothing more than a bunch of whiny divers who aren't interested in busting ass to score. You want to see people really play hard at that sport go watch your local amateur league. It's amazing. People don't fall immediately when lightly touched and grab their ankles. If they do fall for whatever reason they get right back up and into the game. I swear it's true.
So blare away the annoying white noise you dumb asses. Let's just hope this nonsense keeps you from hosting anything ever again.
"If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms." - Mike Ditka
Jun 15, 2010
Now that I'm engaged I've learned that my grooming habits are sub-par. Constantly I'm subject to my neck being shaved and being reminded of weird hairs that I normally don't pay attention to. While the scruff is still the norm the abnormal facial hair is always pointed out to me.
"Honey," she says. "You have a random hair coming out of your cheek, eyebrow, nose, etc"
So now my fiance has taken it upon herself to be my own personal salon.
Living alone my shower consisted of a washcloth, soap, and shampoo. Now that I cohabitate it's taken on a life of it's own. Multiple products are crammed in every corner while others hang on the shower rack. My fiance has convinced me that using a loofah will be great for my pores. I still feel kind of gay every time I pour deodorant soap in it.
Yes I'm referring to liquid soap, something I thought I'd only use when waking up in a girl's place, but never in my own home.
I've learned that exfoliation is key to healthy, clean skin, something I was never aware of. I don't watch Lifetime so I wasn't privy to feminine soap commercials.
I need to watch Fight Club tonight.
*If you get that reference, you're way cool.
"Dirt makes a man look masculine. Let your hair blow in the wind, and all that. It's OK. All you have to do is look neat when you have to look neat." - Hedy Lamarr
Jun 14, 2010
In Seattle most people I know frown upon even setting foot in Sam Walton's brain child. They believed that doing so is a sin of the highest consumer order and you were promoting a corporation that worshiped the dark lord Satan. It was as if they believed the board of directors were a bunch of neo-Nazis hell bent on keeping the populace poor by paying a slaves wage and keeping their employees on food stamps. Wal-Mart is a fascist cult that's after your children.
While I agreed with a lot of this sentiment I found it hilarious that every single one of them would shop at places like Target, Costco, and Fred Meyer without feeling an ounce of guilt.
In Texas Wal-Mart is viewed somewhat differently. So popular is the store you could drive 20 minutes in any direction and run smack into one. Ma and pa culture is not the norm in suburban Dallas. Big box is where it's at.
So one day my car battery started to die and I asked Kelly for recommendation on where I could get a new one. In Seattle I always brought my business to Les Schwab, but sadly they don't have any located here. She told me Wal-Mart had good prices and offered a great three year warranty on batteries.
In an almost self deprecating manner I decided to head down to the nearest Wal-Mart and purchase a car battery. They offered free installation so I gave them my keys and did some grocery shopping. See I've never been in one of their stores that even had produce, so this was a new experience for me.
I go down the aisles and check off items off the grocery list given to me by Kelly. Nothing of consequence ensued until I was done and went to check on my car. They were very busy in automotive and asked me to have a seat and wait.
The door greeter didn't have a lot going on and decided to engage me in conversation about the weather on that humid day. I smiled and kept talking to the friendly chap, but then the discussion suddenly went sideways.
He asked me if I knew a lot about 9-11. I told him I was familiar with the events that took place.
Now lets review. I'm at a Wal-Mart sitting with a cart full of groceries talking to a door greeter who obviously was starved for human engagement. When he asked about my knowledge of world events that happened almost ten years ago you'd think I'd immediately know that this guy was a bit of a nut job and claim I was from Guam and fake an epileptic seizure so I could at least get him to shut up. Next time I'll start slapping myself screaming "SNAKES" over and over again.
He went on about how 9-11 was an inside job and tried to convince me by giving me all sorts of 'evidence' about how the twin tower collapse was a result of a controlled demolition. I listened for a while, until he started on the subject of United 93 and how it didn't crash in the field. I stopped him right there and told him his theory personally disgusted me. Many people died on that plane by engaging in heroic acts and to think anything otherwise was extremely low. I went on about how his evidence was crap and anyone with a hint of knowledge of steel, chemistry, or aviation would find all this laughable. He asked me to prove his theory otherwise, but I reminded him that anyone with a middle school education in civics would understand that the burden of proof is in the hands of the accuser and pointed him to some resources that debunk this nonsense.
It actually turned into an engaging debate that I think both of us enjoyed. I'd like to think both of us learned something, but in the land of Alex Jones you never know. Like the JFK assassination many cannot accept simple people somehow circumvented the greatest intelligence network in the world.
So that was my adventure at Wal-Mart. I didn't see any strange folk dressed in manners that may get them arrested, but I did have to shower afterwards.
"There are going to be some people who never want Wal-Mart. That's OK." - Lee Scott
Jun 9, 2010
I'm not a fraternal person so the idea of a motorcycle club sounds like complete nonsense. It also helps that I never saw myself in a career of organized crime. The idea of dry anal rape in a state penitentiary always scared me off of committing multiple felonies. It was always the loner life style that was the subject of my waking dreams, and for a while I thought it may happen.
Age crept up with me and the damning knowledge of what man really wants. As Americans we're taught from day one to enjoy and embrace the freedoms granted to us, but true liberty is something no one wants. Since the dawn of man we spent our existence protecting ourselves from the savagery of nature. If it were to happen that we break the bonds of law and order mankind would be forced to accept the responsibilities and consequences and that's something no one wants. We only desire to be comfortable and we'll accept any kind of tyranny that promises safety.
My mother once told me about the time her and my father were dating. My dad wanted to be an adventurer and planned on jumping on a ship in the San Fransisco harbor and sailing off to South America for a life he thought he could treasure. His relatives, knowing full well of his desire to live south of the border, convinced him he wasn't being fair to my mom, so he naturally ended the relationship.
A few days later he set off to board a boat to carry him to life few of us can even fathom. He packed up his things and drove to the wharf, but as he approached his transport he stopped, turned around, hopped back in the car. His true desire was to win back the affection of my mother. That's exactly what he did.
What I find most interesting, at least to me, is that I'm happy with the simple life I have chosen.When I look at her across the table and she gives me a quick smile I can finally clean my mind's closet and throw away the toys of my youth's imagination. I did not accept my suburban life. I embraced it. And all it took was a smile from her.
It's what I always wanted, whether I knew it or not.
"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered." - Gilbert K. Chesterton
Jun 8, 2010
Now that I'm doing the grown up thing Kelly and I did some house hunting. Basically it would be us out and about and she would ask if I wanted to look at homes. I always said yes even though it wasn't high on my agenda. I could be a dull affair as I was in no position to purchase something, but finally with the job lined up and down payment in order some serious shopping occurred.
Yesterday we were pre-approved to live in a suburban dwelling called Castle Hills. It's adorned with medievel decoration and streets named "Aurthur", "Lancelot", etc. There's a large castle like entrance with stone walls surrounding the community.
Still it's a nice area with huge gated areas for the millionaires, golf course, good schools, community pools, and a decent commute. Kelly's brother calls it a cult, but he and his girlfriend have tentative plans to move there as well.
So now I'm building a home, getting married, and planning the whole family thing. I hope I don't turn into one of those folk who post a thousand pictures of their kids on Facebook thinking everyone else will find them to be the most exciting bit of information they've ever seen. Actually I'll leave that to Kelly.
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them." - Bill Vaughan
Jun 6, 2010
What's depressing about this whole thing is that before BP decided to destroy our environment as a result of incompetence many were decrying our dependnce on foreign oil hoping that we stop making OPEC rich. Others were stressing the need for alternative fuel sources all the while doing nothing to support a market for it.
The real tragedy about the wanton destruction of our environment is this is what people wanted, cheap domestic oil. We can't be bothered to ride the bus to work, nor give up our precious SUVs. The inconvenience of settling into a true alternative is more of an expense than people are willing to sacrifice.
I watch the video of oil gushing into our lush environment as it lays waste to our precious resources and can't help but feel responsible for the devastation. Cheap crude is what I always asked for at the pump and the market answered. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but since I'm not part of the solution....
What's even more depressing that since this tragedy of biblical proportions I haven't done anything to sway my addiction to convenient transportation. I might never will until it's too late.
"But reducing harmful emissions, abating our dependence on foreign oil and developing alternative renewable energy sources have benefits that go beyond environmental health, they improve personal health, enhance national security and encourage our nation's economic viability." - Jim Clyburn
Jun 1, 2010
Now it's more difficult then one would assume as guys are pretty easy to figure out. We're simple in our pleasures. We like nudity, beer, quiet time, and beef. Still there are some points worth mentioning. Feel free to include your own.
1. We consider the day that we beat Super Mario Bros, The Legend of Zelda, and/or Contra to be a holy day.
2. We read in the bathroom, because it's one of the few times we won't be interrupted by you asking us to do chores or listen to you yap. The hum of the fan also drowns out the noise coming from your favorite reality television show.
3. If you don't thank us for opening the door for you we hope you die in manners too vulgar for even me to write.
4. If you send us naked pictures or video it'll be available for the public the minute you break up with us.
5. We do get our hearts broken and do mope around about it for months, sometimes years. Although if you ask us we'll always say we're happy while banging Caribbean supermodels.
6. While we appreciate you getting all dolled up we believe you're at your hottest dressed down with your hair in a pony tail.
7. If we sit through Sex in the City, The Notebook, or The Bachelor without complaint or asking for a BJ afterwards it's a good sign we're shopping for rings.
8. None of believe we need fixing.
9. Many men will whine about their flu more than necessary to get you to wait on us hand and foot. No man needs anyone to microwave soup for them when they're ill. In fact they shouldn't moan about being sick at all.
10. When you complain about your looks to us we take it as a personal insult. It tells us that we're into fatties who are ugly and no man wants to hear that. If you're not happy with your looks shutup and do something about it.
11. The only thing we want to hear about your ex is how much of a better lover we are. Anything else is the equivalent to bamboo shoved directly into our eyes.
12. More often than not you don't look pretty pregnant, but we'll always say otherwise.
13. We're on our best behavior the first three months in the relationship. In that time frame it'll be the most attentive and sweetest we'll ever be. If you're not happy with anything we do in that passage of time get out, because it never gets better.
14. We have imagined your hot friend or family member naked on multiple occasions.
15. We remember what every girl we slept with looks like without any clothes on. Deal with it.
16. While we may say the waitress, FB friend, or any girl for that matter wasn't flirting with us we secretly hope they were. Don't be surprised. You like it when other guys flirt too.
17. It's been proven that there's an increase of endorphins when men look at hot women. It doesn't mean your any less attractive or that we're secretly planning a hotel rendevous. It's just science. We truly can't help it.
18. Men are not psychic and we won't be able to read your mind.
19. If we shop with you and stand by without complaint as you try on multiple articles of clothing without ever buying, it means we're in love with you, even if we haven't said it yet.
20. No person on the planet is scarier to us than your mother.
21. We often times screw up chores so we never have to do them again.
22. Part of the reason we watch news so much is that some of them have really hot anchor women.
23. We'll sleep with girls who act like idiots, but we'll never marry them. If you act like a clueless woman who has no common sense to get attention you'll definitley receive it, but no man you really want will commit to you.
24. The only reason we want to be friends with you after a break up is the possibility of a drunken hook up.
25. Sleeping with us to hook us into a relationship early in the dating process is the worst idea a woman can ever have. Just because you get naked doesn't make us feel like we owe you anything. In fact most of us consider that 'mission accomplished' and move on. If a guy's willing to hold out then he's willing to be around a long time.
26. There are plenty of women willing to get naked for us at the drop of a hat for whatever reason. Sure most of them may not be up to high quality standards, but it means you need to bring something more to the game than your looks. Behavior and intelligence does matter.
27. Like you we will always wonder about the one that got away.
28. We know we're not your first choice. If you tell us otherwise we know you're lying.
29. If you agree to spend the entire day not wearing a shirt we are like putty. We'll do every chore in the house.
30. Romantic comedies are fiction and we know you wish they were documentaries. Those stories never happen. Just accept it and be happy.
31. The only reason we choose nice furniture is to impress you. We could care less if our home was nothing but bean bags, nintendo chairs, futons, and milk crates.
32. We have wondered how awesome it would be if your roommate suddenly walked into the room begging for a threesome. Yes it has crossed our mind during sex.
33. We will spend quality time alone and we won't necessarily be thinking of you.
34. If we could care less about your orgasms that'll never change. If a guy can't take the time to at least try he will never be bothered to so in the future.
35. While they may be fine upstanding individuals who are a credit to the human race we fantasize about making your ex bleed.
36. Often times a guy will say and do anything to get laid. I mean it. Anything.
37. We judge you by the company you keep.
38. You'll never be one of the guys.
39. Even if it's not true we think your male friends want to sleep with you.
40. We often wish our female friends want to sleep with us.
41. We think 90% of your chosen entertainment sucks.
42. Yes we have looked at your FB page long after your dumped us.
"I've been in plenty of situations where someone I'm dating had more time for a console than me." - Josie Maran