Oct 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

Hello everybody. I'm back from North Carolina and since you're reading this you probably already guessed that. Yeah I'm none too swift.

Halloween is my favorite holiday ever. Unfortunately I'm working this evening and won't get to enjoy the festivities including looking at scantily clad women in their costumes, drinking way too much, and eating a ton of candy. Oh well.

My company throws a nice Halloween party for the families of it's employees. People are encouraged to bring in candy while you can take your children and walk around the cubes trick or treating. There's also a haunted house, a studio background where you can have your children's picture taken, and various other activities for the little tykes to enjoy. It's a cool thing my company does which is provide a safe, fun environment for families to enjoy Halloween, plus they can stay out of the cold.

Since I'm childless I usually end up bringing the candy and having children walk by my cube begging for sweets. My first year doing this was fun as kids were delighted that I was handing out Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.

Of course there has to be on child that inspires me to write this long of a description. He was about six years old and came up and shyly mouthed 'trick or treat'. I usually like to guess what the kid is dressed as, cause usually it brings a bright smile to them. The little one was dressed in a Hobbit costume and it seemed all the rage that year. I looked at him and said "Wow you're a Hobbit. Cool."

The kid did not smile. In fact he got a mad look on his face.

"Aren't you a Hobbit?" I asked. "Fearless defender of Hobbiton?" Yeah I've seen the movies too many times.

The kid's face got red. He was none to pleased with my observation. I tried to think of what else he could've been, but he had the hairy feet and was dressed like the Hobbits from the Lord of the Rings movies so I was really stumped.

The kid still stood there in silence. We just stood there staring at each other till finally he pulled a blue sword from his belt and held it high above his head. "I'm not a Hobbit," he screamed. "I'm Frodo Baggins." The kid had a set of lungs on him as he declared this a few times not only to me, but the rest of the continental United States.

"Indeed you are Frodo," I said meekly trying to shut him up. "Here's your....ouch...owe....damn..." Kid gave me a swift kick to the shin and hit me in the arm with the sword.

His dad gathered him and made him apologize for his antics. I laughed it off and recommended the dad put him in a soccer league. He thanked me for having a sense of humor about his son's violent outburst.

That kick hurt.

Happy Halloween from the folks at Erik's Ramblings.

"I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?" - Drew Carey

Oct 27, 2006

Vote and be sexy.

This morning the Pretty Girl and I will be flying out to North Carolina to attend a wedding. Considering I'll just be getting off work in a few hours this will make a long flight indeed. I won't be submitting a mindless rambling on Friday so I hope this useless post will hold you over.

With the upcoming mid-term elections many parties are scrambling to get their voter base to come to the polls and some are using interesting methods. Women's Voices, a voters advocacy group, are trying to get the 20 million single ladies who didn't vote last election out to the polls with a series of ads that use a tried and true method of advertising and that is...sex.

Yes you read that right. Shameless self promoting rappers threatening to kill you if you didn't cast your ballot wasn't enough so suggestive ads seem to be the new thing.

The PSAs even have Hollywood starlets claiming voting is 'pretty' and 'sexy'. Now I encourage you all to vote this November, but voting is so not sexy. Walking into a high school gym with a bunch of geriatrics operating the booths does not put me in the mood. If it did I think therapy would be in order.

This is not as stupid as P Diddy's 'Vote or Die' campaign, but I'm afraid no one will buy into it. What would bring women out to the polls though? Sexy men dressed in firefighter outfits? Political talking head shows that specifically target women? Oprah?

How about decent female candidates with a strong grasp on the issues? One who will do a better job of connecting with women than the oversexed sleazy men currently occuping Congress? Why can't either party offer that at least?

I kind of want to show up on November 7th wearing S&M garb. After CPR is admitted to all that have been traumatized by that the cops will ask why I decided that was appropriate attire. I of course will respond that I simply was told that voting was good for the libido.

"20 million women on their own can make a difference. Unmarried women across America are getting the job done, but it isn't easy. But they have the power to make a difference. There are 20 million women who did not vote in 2004, and when they take part in the next election, they can change history." - Statement from Women's Voices website.

Curtains Drawn, It Was Love At First Ballot

Oct 25, 2006

Marvel joins forces with...Guiding Light?

I'm not a big television watcher in the conventional sense. While I do watch my share of news, documentaries, and football I've never sat down and watched much fictional shows. Hits such as Lost and Grey's Anatomy have flown under my radar and I've finally discovered the short lived series Firefly, which is a great show BTW.

Soaps are the least appealing to me. I don't understand why people tune into them as they're horribly acted and the plots are ludicrous at best. This is partially a product of my youth as I would flip through channels and if for whatever reason I landed on a soap opera I would hear a loud yell from my folks.

"Turn that off!!!" one of them would scream. Given their pitch you would think I would be watching midget porn.

"Why?" I would always ask.

"It's stupid," they would say.

That's the only explanation they would give. One day when I was home alone I tuned into a soap opera and realized they were indeed correct.

It's been years since I've seen a soap or opened up a Marvel comic. What do the two have to do with each other you say? Well I'm glad you asked.

In a stunning display of entertainment executive stupidity Marvel has teamed up with the studio who crafts 'Guiding Light' to write in a superhero in it's story line. Yes the soap opera normally known for bringing you such odd plot twists as evil twins will now have a crime fighting hero with supernatural powers.

"Joining forces with Marvel is such a natural fit for us because comic books and soap operas have so much in common," says Guiding Light writer David Kreizman. I guess he's somewhat correct in the fact that they have ongoing characters with never ending storylines and a fanbase that treats each form of entertainment almost as a religion.

I don't know any soap opera watchers, but I can't imagine any of them wanting this to happen. What daytime television viewer is interested in comics and vice versa? Do they really think this will work? Now I'm no television executive and don't know anything about comics, but this being a 'natural fit'? This seems about as natural as Hello Kitty in a David Lynch film.

Think I'm kidding? Check out the trailer at the link below:

A New Hero Rises Out of Daytime TV

"This is just one more way that we're trying to reach out beyond our usual audience in an effort to expose those who don't know anything about the greatness of comics and hopefully come back with a few new converts. And hopefully some of our fans will find themselves with a new habit as well--Guiding Light!" - Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada

Oct 24, 2006


"You'd be a perfect canidate for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." I can't count how many times I heard that line during the time that miserable show was all the rage.

I hate clothes shopping. I can't think of a bigger chore than to browse aisles for the perfect article of clothing and drop a wad of dough for overpriced goods.

Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble to pick up a birthday gift for my friend Corey. Afterwards I headed to the Bellevue Square Mall which is the yuppiest place in one of the yuppiest towns in America.

See I'm going to a wedding this weekend and was told that since it's an evening ceremony that suits are all but mandatory, therefore a trip to the mall seemed necessary. Whoever made that rule need to burn in hell while being subjected to the sounds of System of a Down for eternity.

I walk into the mall and notice that I'm not quite dressed to be browsing in yuppie land. Here I am unshorn, wearing a Guinness hat and a Harley t-shirt looking at suit jackets. Yeah it's not the best look, but it got some interesting reactions from the sales people.

I was looking through the rack at one store when a salesman approached me.

"Looking for a suit?" he asked.

"I am indeed," I replied.

"For a job interview?" he said.

I would normally take offence to that, but I guess on first impression I did seem like I haven't seen a regular paycheck in a few months and I browse lots of porn while blaring pro wrestling on the TV.

"No," I said. "Honestly I am employed. I'm looking for something for an evening wedding."

"Ahh yes," he said. "A suit is appropriate for a late wedding."

"So I've heard."

He looked me over..again..and decided I needed assistance.

"Do you need help finding anything?"

"Not really. I'm looking for something similar to my last suit."

"You wear suits?"

He seemed really surprised by this.

"Yes I...ah fuck it. I'll just come back with my girlfriend. She has a good idea of what looks good on me."

"Have a good day sir," he said smugly.

It took all I had not to punch him in the eye.

"People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through." - Ricky Gervais

Oct 20, 2006

Wiwille's greatest hits!

I'm feeling kind of tired tonight as the landscapers showed up and disturbed my slumber on an hourly basis. That and the fact I had some strange dreams I'm having a difficult time just staying awake.

Trying to come up with something to write about tonight became a real chore so I decided to browse my own blog for a change. I thought I'd put up a compilation of my posts that people either seem to enjoy the most. Yes it's Wiwille's greatest hits coming to you from the rainy northwest for a limited time only.

It's fun to look back and see how far I've come as a writer this past year, which isn't very far at all really. Travel down memory lane with me as we view my over opinionated rants.

Interesting conversations with random strangers: Some girl defined my life by going through my grocery cart.

From the land of sky blue waters...: My review of the first beer I ever drank.

I'm not a big Harry Potter fan and that doesn't make me a bad person: My humble opinion on the Harry Potter craze.

Makes the cartoon Dennis seem pretty mild: I outline my experience as a camp counselor watching over Lucifer's child.

UNICEF not so smurfy. I say smurf off: I comment about a UNICEF ad depicting Smurfs being bombed. This post was also quoted in Time magazine.

Miserable corp speak: I go off about terms like 'action item'.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday...: I chronicle my worst date ever.

Damn I'm random: Here I am giving soundbyte synopsis about the writers on my blogroll.

MySpace vs Blogger users: So much fun being poked at MySpace users expense.

Sexymonica: This seems to be everyone's favorite as I make fun of a MySpace friend request that I found odd.

"Bored people, unless they sleep a lot, are cruel." - Renata Adler

Parental Control

Here tonight on my lunch break I saw something truly horrendous. No I was not witness to a violent crime, but something that most consider worse and that is a MTV reality show. Yes the network that brings you 24x7 suckage was broadcasting a dating show of sorts called 'Parental Control'.

I was sitting in the break room eating my Campbells soup when one of the Ukranian janitors flipped the channel to the program. She asked if it was okay that she watched this and me being the nice guy I am said okay.

She owes me. Owes me huge. I'm talking about a steak dinner at Daniel's with a Playmate kind of owe me.

After watching that drek I contemplated giving myself a frontal lobotomy. Now I would normally sit here and give a description of the abomination I saw, but I am now to dumb to complete a reasoned analysis. Right now I make Corky look like a Mensa scholar. Don't be surprised if my post tomorrow is about how I lost teeth while trying to eat a bowl of rocks for breakfast.

"I think MTV put a huge dent in the songwriting craft." - Christopher Cross

Oct 19, 2006

More bizarre encounters with strangers in Vegas.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

"Let's go find a place to eat," he answered. "Preferably a place with TVs so we can watch the Dallas game."

Corey and I were just checking out of the resort and we had ten hours to kill before we got on the plane. There was a sports bar a block away from us so we decided to go get some breakfast while we watch his favorite quarterback Drew Bledsoe.

We enter the place without incident. It was a small place with five television screens where you could sit at the bar and play video poker. Corey and I sat and ate while we awaited the game to start watching the screens to get an update on how other teams were doing around the NFL.

The Dallas game was to be one filled with high drama as prima donna Terrell Owens was facing his former teammates who he trash talked on a regular basis. We were excited to watch this grudge match.

Finally the opening kickoff came and the game was underway. We heard loud talking and cackling from the end of the bar, but we paid it little mind.

Then one of the cacklers decided it would be a great idea to move down and sit right next to me.

"Are you a Dallas fan?" she asked. She looked like a worn out version of the hot girl in high school. She was a small framed gal who was maybe in her mid thirties with a face that revealed hard living was her specialty.

"I'm a Drew Bledsoe fan," I replied. "But I could really care less. This should be a good game."

"My mother's from Dallas," she said. "We always rooted for the Cowboys."

"Really? That's cool."

"Yeah. Where are you from?"


"Cool. I hear it's nice."

"It is."

The conversation halted as I watched the game. Corey and I discussed the play of the lineman and secondary as well as the scores from around the league.

Then hard living lady decided she needed to talk to me more.

"I just got off work a few hours ago," she said.

"That's nice," I replied showing minimal interest. "Where do you work?"

"I'm a bartender at the Excalibur."

"Cool. You like it there?"

You would think I would know better than to ask such questions instead of ignoring the person.

"Hell no," she said angrily. "I just got written up for going to the bathroom."

It was obvious to me by now the woman was drunk as hell as her speech became slurred and she would use her hands a lot when she talked. What's worse is that she was so animated in her intoxicated sign language that she would hit me in the arm constantly and then apologize for it.

She went on and on about how her work sucks, how her supervisors are corrupt, and how she's having a hell of a time holding down two jobs. I listened somewhat never taking my eyes off the TV and only responding when asked a question. She then got up to use the restroom.

"Who's your new friend Erik?" Corey asked.

"Smartass," I said.

I was hoping the woman would come back and head back to her original party. Luck was not with me that day for she sat down right next to me again and threw a twenty into the video poker machine.

Ye gods.

She rambled more about her work until I heard something that floored me.

"My son is missing," she said in a rather nonchalant manner.

"Wha...what?" I said finally making eye contact with her. "Your son is missing?"

"Yeah," she said. "I guess he didn't come home last night. I've been trying to call him. He's fifteen and uncontrollable. I'm really worried though."

Yes her hands kept hitting me in the arm again.

"So you need to look for your son," I stated. "But you feel your solution is to sit at a bar and drink?"

"Yeah," she said sheepishly. "Maybe I should call the police...Hey I just won 500 dollars. Whoo hoo!"

Sure enough I look at her video poker screen and indeed she won that sum. She hooted and hollered as people around the bar cheered her. I congratulate her, shake my head, and look up at the screen only to find Drew Bledsoe throwing an interception, the first of three that day.

Times like these make me want to embrace atheism.

Corey decided that he wanted to leave as he couldn't handle seeing his beloved Bledsoe do so poorly, which is often. While the gal was occupied collecting her money we bolted out of there and found a cab.

"Man," Corey said. "That woman seemed like a crack whore."

"Yeah," I said. "I don't think life's been to pleasant for her."

As the cab drove down the strip I wondered about the gal and the many like her. Vegas promises everything. You can have a piece of the American dream. You can drink like there's no tomorrow, have beautiful women approach you and sit on your lap, and you can play cards with the best in the business. Sin is Vegas' business and business is good.

It is people like her that are the backbones of the facade. Behind the stucco and anamitronic playground there are thousands of working class folk that help deliver the dream. She serves alcohol and flirts with the tourists and constantly sells the idea that everyone on the strip loves you when in reality they just want your pocket book. She probably gets hit on all the time at her job. Now here she was at some bar way up the strip wanting nothing more than a little attention from two guys who were none too willing to give any back.

I feel sorry for her.

"Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there." - Drew Carey

Oct 17, 2006

Mike Tyson World Tour complete with misogyny!

For those of you sick of hearing about politics on my blog do not despair. I bring to you a sprinkle of celebrity culture that I know you all enjoy, well at least in secret.

As I've said before it's been a fascinating if not bizarre campaign season riddled with sexual deviancy, crazy fanatic rhetoric, and now disgraced athletes.

Connoisseur of human flesh Mike Tyson has been campaigning for Michael Steele. Yes apparently being a convicted rapist is not so bad in some circles.

Iron Mike goes on to say that he's launching a world tour which will be a series of four round bouts with various opponents. He expressed his desire to fight a woman, namely boxer Ann Wolfe. With a 21-1 record she's definitely been a dominant fighter; however I don't wish Mike Tyson on anybody. Thankfully Wolfe's camp seems uninterested in being part of this carnival act.

Recently there's been a lot of discussion about female vs males in the ring and some matches have resulted in a champ (women) vs chump (men) fight. For some reason placing champion women in the ring with men who shouldn't put on the gloves is supposed to empower them. Yeah I don't get why either, but maybe, just maybe Tyson is looking to bring female boxing to a level beyond that of the pathetic WNBA. Yeah wishful thinking I know. That's what I get for analyzing the mind of a madman.

Everyone who doesn't hate Tyson should. He ruined heavyweight boxing for me and..well...the idiot friggin raped some body. That and he bites people, acts like an ass every time a camera is shoved on him, and he blames all his misfortunes on everyone but himself. I just wish he would go away, but sadly politics has given him another avenue into the public eye.

Some wonder why I'm so interested in public discourse and sometimes I don't have a good answer.

"My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive a person." - Mike Tyson

Tyson serious about fighting women on 'World Tour'

Oct 13, 2006

No nudity in Fantastic Four part 2?

I'm sad to report that Jessica Alba claims she will never pose nude in a film. I'm dishearten by this as I've always believed her nudity could solve world hunger. I believe that there's nothing Jessica Alba's body can't do such as provide a good home for all disenfranchised orphans, finding a cure for the common cold, and end the career of Wolfmother. Yes it's not really that I want to see her naked for my own perverted reasons, but for the sake of humanity.

Well I guess it's not so bad. Jessica's refusal to get naked on celluloid isn't the worst thing that's happened to cinema. Kicking and screaming I will accept this.

Actually I think I have a great plan. I will get naked on screen as much as humanly possible and the only way I'll stop is if she renegs her plans to never disrobe. Yep my cunning plan is to star in every film that comes out and in the third act I will drop trou and twirl my manhood around like a tassel. Yes it's blackmail and I'm not above that. Now if only I were an actor with any shot at Hollywood stardom this just might work.

For those of you grossed out by the thought of me showing my ass on film just bear with me, cause after all I'm doing it for the good the world community.

"I don't do nudity. I just don't. Maybe that makes me a bad actress. Maybe I won't get hired in some things. But I have too much anxiety." - Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba: I'll never strip

Oct 12, 2006

There's always next year.

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day and like you I was completely unaware. I'm not sure what the day's significance is, although reading about it it seems that the Human Rights Campaign started the day as a celebration of alternative lifestyles.

Gee I didn't come out of the closet yesterday. Was I supposed to? Is not expressing your deep seeded obsession for man on man loving on Oct 11th sort of like not wearing green on St Patrick's Day? Instead of a pinch you just get dry anal? Was I supposed to buy a Clay Aiken album or read Gore Vidal?

Okay that was a little gross. Time to look at pictures of Sophia Loren circa 'Boy on a Dolphin'.

"I might as well be gay. And not just because I love rhinestones and Barbara Streisand. But because I'm a sensitive person who is supportive of gay people the same way I'm sensitive to grossly obese people and ugly people." - Richard Simmons

Oct 10, 2006

Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.

Well I'm back from the bachelor party in Vegas. Good times were had by all. McNutty was on his best behavior, well for the most part, and everyone enjoyed their trip down to the desert. As promised I will list a few details, but there will be those moments that'll definitely stay in the city of lights. Yes like a mafioso's corpse I will remain silent about such events.

First off I got off of work and headed to Seatac airport. As I made it through the long security line I decided to go get a beer near my gate. I sat at a small table and next to me were six guys. All of them were about early forties and seemed like middle management sales people who probably breezed through college on cliff notes. I overheard them discussing their upcoming trip into Vegas reminding each other how their wives are going to divorce them if they find out about the debauchery that will ensue.

One turned to me and asked me if I was going to the same destination. I said yes and told them I was going to a bachelor party. Their eyes got big and they were quick to recommend a few places. I half heartedly thanked them, finished my beer, and headed to the gate.

The gate was packed so I leaned up against the wall and started reading my book. The cheesy sales rep managers types stood next to me and started chatting it up. One volunteered that they were going because none of them have ever had a bachelor party so they told their wives they were going on a trip to Colorado for some golfing and fishing. Yeah I imagined this ending badly once the credit card bills came to the door.

A hot girl walked by and the guy next to me whistled at her. Yes in true construction worker like manner he gave her a whistle. She stopped, looked at me, tilted her head and smiled and waved. Then she walked off.

I stood there with my jaw dropped. The guy who did the whistling got real upset.

"What the...," he said very confused. "You didn't even do it? Why'd she look at you?"

"Probably cause I'm so damn good looking," I said.

He wasn't amused.

"Fuck that," he replied. "That girl's just a skank blah blah blah blah..."

I decided to go back to reading my book.

The night of the bachelor party was a hoot as you might imagine. After the festivities McNutty and his friend Lenny decided they wanted to go eat. Everyone else wanted to go back to the resort, but I decided to go with them as I was feeling adventurous.

We walked into the Monte Carlo and Lenny made a dash for the poker room. McNutty and I walked to a cafe and sat and ate. Three girls sat next to us and McNutty started a conversation with them. I wasn't paying attention really until I heard on of the girls say "Okay that was really rude. We're leaving now."

"See ya," said McNutty.

The girl gave him a dirty look. She looked at me and said, "We're going to play Pai Gow."

McNutty just couldn't let it go.

"He doesn't care," he yelled.

Ye gods. I had no earthly idea what he said, nor would he tell me. He stated that he thought they were fat anyways and he wanted nothing to do with them.

I felt bad for the girls. Here they were trying to get some attention in the city that's known for giving it at the drop of a hat and here some dipshit felt it was a great idea to openly mock them. Plus they weren't fat. They looked liked they were in their mid 30s having a girls trip away from their inattentive slobs of husbands.

McNutty and I chatted for a while and I decided to make my leave. As I was walking out of the Monte Carlo I saw the girls playing Pai Gow. I walked up to them and apologized if my buddy insulted them.

"Oh it's okay sweetie," the loudest of the bunch said. "You shouldn't be hanging with him anyways."

"He's an okay guy. Just drunk," I said. "Anyways good luck."

"Why don't you hang out with us?" another girl said.

"I shouldn't," I replied.

"Awww you've got a girl back home," she said.

"Yeah I do."

"Well isn't she the lucky girl," she stated. Yeah she was indeed really drunk.

"If you saw her you'd know it's I who am the lucky one," I said. "Thanks anyways kid. Take care." I walked out.

It was about 2am outside on the strip. I thought it would be a swell idea to venture out on my own, to soak in the atmosphere and observe what it is we love about sin city. I wanted to see something I don't see in Seattle. I didn't have to walk far.

A girl came walking past me screaming into her cell phone. She was an attractive gal, but she seemed really upset. Her conversation went like this:

"You need to get me a fucking cab...no I have no idea where the fuck I'm at...some guy just hit me in the face..yes...fucking hit me...you need to get me a fucking cab...oh fuck you I'm drunk...you fucker I'm coming down there to whoop some..."

I glanced over at her. She wouldn't look at me. A couple walked next to me on the other side.

"Ahh vegas drama," the guy said.

"Yes gotta love it," I said.

"Wanna hear something funny?" his girlfriend asked.

"Sure," I said.

"We're married," she replied.

"And that's funny why?" I asked.

"We're not married to each other," she stated.

"I see."

"Nah man you got it all wrong," the guy said. "My wife has been fucking her husband. We decided to come down and here and spend the weekend just getting fucking crazy."

"How's the working out for you?"

"So far so good my friend," he said as he threw his arm around his companion in adultery giving me a wink. She got embarrassed and they walked off.

I walked down the strip some more and witnessed people yelling, drinking, and having a good time. Three girls approached me with clipboards in hand and asked if I would do a survey.

"What for?" I asked.

"See we're doing a study on sexual habits in Las Vegas," she said. "We want to ask male tourists about what their sexual expectations are and how many get fulfilled."

"Well I did come down here for a bachelor party," I said. "But really I don't expect to be getting any on this trip."

"Still do you mind taking the survey?" one of the girls asked.

"Sure," I said. "Fire away."

She asked me all sorts of questions. Some of the highlights that are obviously paraphrased are:

1. Did you travel to Las Vegas with the express intent of having sex?

2. Did you bring any form of birth control?

3. If you have a female significant other did you come here to engage in homosexual sex?

4. Does your girlfriend/wife allow you to perform anal and/or oral on her? If not do you hope to achieve that with a girl or guy in Las Vegas?

5. Did you bring drugs with you? If so what kind? Did you bring them with the intent of enhancing the sexual experience? Do you hope to give them to a girl in the hopes that she will sleep with you? Do you plan to bargain sexual favors with them?

6. Do you plan to use the services of a prostitute?

Sounds like Scott's Freaky Friday questions.

The last day Corey and I went souvenir shopping for our girls back home. The Pretty Girl attended the University of South Carolina which has a rooster for a mascot and is called 'Gamecock'. I'm not kidding.

We went into a souvenir shop where Corey wanted to get a t-shirt made for his gal. I saw a design that said "I love" and had a picture of a rooster on it. I decided that given the fact that the Pretty Girl had an appropriate alumni that I would get the t-shirt. I asked the guy about it and his face lit up and got really friendly. I was somewhat confused by this until I then noticed his pink shirt that said 'Hot Boy' and he was blaring Madonna.

I don't think he believed me when I said I was buying it for my girlfriend.

Whew. I should probably wrap this up. There is far more to tell though.

I came home at 3 in the morning. The Pretty Girl came and picked me up from the airport. After not seeing her for about a week she looked more lovely than I've ever seen her. Coming home was indeed the best part of this trip.

"And that, I think, was the handle — that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn’t need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting — on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. . . .So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark — that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back." - Hunter S Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Oct 6, 2006

What happens in Vegas stays in...well...it'll probably end up on my blog.

Tomorrow afternoon I fly out to Vegas for a bachelor party. While this might seem cool to most I'm a little apprehensive about this trip.

See most bachelor parties are known for consuming lots of alcohol, eating bad food, and looking at scantily clad (if that) women. Good, clean, wholesome fun for the entire family. This party has a variable that may make my trip fraught with peril.

That variable being the bachelor, a man I call McNutty. McNutty is a longtime companion of my best friend Corey and the two have been buddies since childhood. McNutty is not known for his social graces nor his mental stability. He has a tendency to go completely bat shit at the drop of a hat. Yes I am surprised someone will actually marry this guy.

Corey asked me if I wanted to attend this bachelor party to give him support in case McNutty lives up to his nickname. Being the good friend, i.e. dumbass, that I am I decided to be there for my friend as he is not the fighting type. Far from it actually. Corey often states if he ever goes fisticuffs his only strategy is to 'kick em in the nuts and run like hell.'

Not a bad strategy when you think about it.

Regardless I think Corey wants just my presence there to be a constant reminder to ol McNutty that if he goes out of his tree and attacks someone it better not be my friend. He may also feel that if I'm there and things go awry him and I can take off from the shindig and still have a good time.

I've met McNutty on many occasions and he's always been a pleasant chap if not somewhat annoying. I don't think anything will happen, but with him around excitement will linger.

Consequently I won't be posting tomorrow night. I may do another post tonight since it's slow here at work. I do hope my next post won't be from jail.

Wish me luck folks.

"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up." - Hunter S Thompson

Oct 5, 2006

Now this is a platform.

This mid-term election has seen it's share of high drama. Some are just unusual political ploys, such as Lieberman's run as an independent, and some are just freaking sick, such as Mark Foley talking dirty to minors. There are others of course such as the crazy antics of Katherine Harris and Mike Arcuri's taxpayer funded phone sex calls.

Republican State Assembly candidate Chris Migliaccio has brought an interesting platform to his campaign that may seem unorthodox, but his passion has to be praised. What is it you say? Get to the point you rambling lunatic you might think? Okay here you go.

Mr Migliaccio wants our public educators to teach masturbation. Yes much like the once disgraced Surgeon General he believes that it would be a good idea to have a teacher describe to your children how to pleasure themselves. His main argument is: "You are less stressed and a generally happy person and less aggressive when you masturbate on some sort of regular basis."

Maybee so. He does go on to state that masturbationn will leave people less desperate for sex and therefore may not engage in activity that may be physically or emotionally harmful. He actually talks about the dangers of using vasalinee on your pink parts which he feels the schools should point out to the children. Call me a prude, but having a teacher describe to me how to spank it would be scaring enough.

Now since I never engage in the art of pleasuring myself...umm...yeah...anyways I find the point that masturbationn generally makes you happy to be flawed. If that were true men would never be depressed. Ever. My friends would be the happiest people on the planet.

He does make some interesting, if not unrelated, points. He goes on to say: "In high school, only one in ten blowjobs are reciprocated with other oral sex. That's terrible. That suggests that girls are being taught that they ought not get equal rights....Women deserve the same thing. I don't think this is that crazy."

You hear that girls? Demand oral. Do it now I say. Fight for your rights if not for yourself then for womanhood in general.

"Our country talked about masturbation more in December of 1994 than they ever have in the history of the country, and you know, people would think you'd be embarrassed about that. I'm not embarrassed about that." - Joycelyn Elders

A Daily Politics Endorsement: Chris Migliaccio (with video)

Oct 4, 2006

Damn I'm random.

A while ago Nhak, one of the five authors of Billy Ocean Student Council Treasurer, posted about an article in Wired a while back. The sarcastic article recreates typical posts from some of the most popular blogs, such as Fark, Daily Kos, and Slashdot. If you are a reader of such blogs I do recommend you take a look.

Since I like using sarcasam at others' expense, including myself, I decided to write what a typical post would look like for the blogs I have listed in my roll. I'm also hurting for a topic to post about and am not above ripping people off.

This is not meant to offend, but to simply have fun. Enjoy:

Blog.As.You.Are: Another detail of my mid-life crisis brought to you in verse.

The Blog: Ate massive amounts of (insert fast food chain here), poked fun at the help, and consumed enough Metamucil that would normally kill a horse. Harrased co-workers with obscure references to (movie, music, inside joke) and made them feel dumb. Posted ego centric photo on various object.

What the Blog?: Another bi-monthly haiku.

The Inexcusable: Republicans and religious fanatics can die in a fire. Oh and I just bought cool stuff and am watching obscure movies that Erik probably hates.

Greg's World: To hell with Blogger. I moved to MySpace.

Caliban's Journal: Just got turned down for another job, but in good news my dating life is still miserable. Oh wait....

Sunburned Feet: We're pregnant and building a house.

Alec's Blog: Republicans are stupid. I'm smart.

Kyle's Blog: Democrats are a bunch of pansies who try to surpress my television viewing habits including a steady diet of Knight Rider and The A-Team.

Yes Sir e Bob: I got a job.

Billy Ocean, Student Council Treasurer: Deja Vu develops stripper pole that generates emission-free energy. Accuse oil companies of conspiring to supress the technology. (youtube video). (submitted by Mattbear on Nhak's post).

Mind Blowing Insanity: My ex-husband/boyfriends are insane. My garbage disposal went haywire and my niece is the most adorable kid on the planet. Enjoy pictures of me in various states of undress.

Accidentalpurposity (Two writers): TracieLacy: Ex-husband/boyfriends are emotionally retarded. My boss sucks and I'm going out for drinks. Alyssa: Co-worker attacked me with lawn dart all the while trying to look down my shirt. Thought of the day is to not wear bright colored underwear while humming pop music and mentally making a list of what makes the perfect guy.

Life is Grand, Love is Real and Beauty is Everywhere!: Please be cultured enough to get the lyric that I posted as the title. Oh and kindly comment about all your most intimate sexual details while I ponder my existence.

There's a Land That I See: Has it been two weeks since I posted? Let me give you an update....

City Soul: I used to be a hot urban party girl. Now I'm a hot suburban soon to be mom.

Rawbean's Rant: (Insert pop culture item) is so inane that I'll illustrate what I'm feeling about it.

Customer Service Hell: A guy wrote into Microsoft claiming Chris Matthews, Dick Cheney, and Eric Roberts have developed mind control techniques and Bill Gates has hired him to assasinte a third world dictator. He also wants to marry a goat.

Waiter Rant: A yuppie complained about the food, seating arrangement, and/or my breath while I make witty yet over-their-head commentary. I got a book deal. Yay me!

Crooks & Liars: All Republicans suck. All Democrats are good. You are less of a person if you don't buy a Dixie Chicks album.

Taegan Goddard's Political Wire: Quote of the day includes politician stating something stupid. Poll numbers indicate....Zogby is God!

Wonkette: Lobbyist caught trying to solicit a 17 year old, posts pictures on MySpace.

OneGoodMove: Religion sucks and to prove that I'll post the opinions of Richard Dawkins, John Stewart, and Stephen Colbert. You cannot argue their logic so to hell with your faith.

The Blank Top Chronicles: Guy calls in for cab and demands white person, rate quote, and oral. I insult them and hang up. Customer never shows up for cab.

Of course I had to opine on mine.

Erik's Ramblings: (Insert picture of hot celebrity) Stripper, who bears a striking resemblance to Scarlette Johansson, is under fire from Muslim extremists for chanting Koran quotes while grinding a pole. I'm so unattractive she probably wouldn't give me a lap dance. Mildly literate rant ensues. (Insert quote by random celebrity/writer/politician/etc).

Ahh that was fun. Any thoughts and/or complaints about how I detailed your blog let me know.

"However, as I read criticisms in the comments and on other blogs about what I write, I have become increasingly sensitive about what I say here." - Joichi Ito

Oct 3, 2006

A banner ad that sure is telling.

I was looking at the above banner ad and can honestly say I have no idea who that rapper is. Normally the questions are pretty easy, but I don't know if it's T.I. or Nelly. I've never even heard of T.I.

I do know that it's not Snoop Dogg so I guess I shouldn't feel that old. I still haven't yelled "hey you kids get off my lawn" nor have I ever watched an episode of Mattlock. Still...

“Britney would make a better prostitute than Christina. She's thicker.” - Snoop Dogg.