Mar 31, 2006

Myspace: The Russian invasion.

I have a Myspace account that I use to keep up with some friends. Most of them use Myspace as their blog so in order to see it I had to sign up. I thought about using it, but I prefer Blogger as it's just more pleasing to the eye if nothing else. Plus I find a lot of the stuff on Myspace kind of annoying. I get sick of going to a friend's site to be blasted with bad music (yeah I'm talking to you Andrea) or NSFW videos and pics.

The one thing I do find amusing about Myspace is the spam I get. Most of it's from girls telling me how hot I am in my picture and how much they want to meet me. The funny thing is I don't have a real picture of me anywhere on the page. My profile image is a South Park characticture.

Listed below are two emails I've received from Mother Russia:

I live in Russia I very much was interested by your questionnaire
(funny I don't have a questionnaire) and it would be pleasant to me to meet you more close It seems, from us, excellent pair could be going to. If you are interested in the further attitudes With the woman from Russia you can write to me On my e-mail: I very much would like it, you have answered me, As you very much have interested me. I would be very pleased to this! I very much would like to become your new friend. I hope on reciprocity, and I wait your letter with Impatience. Yours Irina!!!!!!!!!!!!

This next one accompanied a pretty hot photo:

Hi stranger!!! My name is Irina. You do not know me also I would like that we have learned each other. Your structure has very much interested me (I've never been told I have interesting structure, but I'll take any compliment I can get) and it has seemed for me interesting and I have decided to write to you. I would like that you we have learned each other better. If you are interested in me and want to learn about me more that can write to me on mine E-mail I shall wait for your letter. Irina.

This one seems to be from the states, but with the strange grammar I'm not sure. Again it's accompanied by a nice looking pic:

Hello how are you doing,its a splendid and a memorable day of sending you this mail (I've never had a splendid and memorable day sending email. Maybe I'm just not living life to the fullest). I was really knock off my feet when i went through your photo album (which I have none),to really say the fact you are fabulous profile,i mean you speak too tight (my profile and my blog are almost void of any description of me),I will like to get to know you much better,i know we can get the best out each other.Less i for get my name Lizzy...well you could also reach me at

Ah yes, what a wonderful thing Myspace is. Bringing lovers together across continents.

"Oh, where is the poet or bard who will compose an ode to Russian rumors? Thanks to the chronic shortage of truthful (or even false) information, our people live on rumors." - Boris Yeltsin

Mar 30, 2006

Prayer doesn't help I guess.

A new study has been done indicating that prayer doesn't help patient's recovery after heart bypass surgery. In fact those that received prayer seem to have more complications.

What the article on this doesn't account for is which God they were praying to. Was it the Christian God? Allah? Great Spirit? Dionysus? Ring Element of the Fourth Water Spirit of Eternia? Lemmy?

I was always taught that God does answer prayers, but a lot of times he'll say no. That was my parochial school's explanation for why the retarded kid wouldn't miraculously turn normal.

"Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines." - Satchel Paige

Study: Prayer doesn't affect heart patients

My birthday present.

I've received some interesting gifts in my time. I once received a subscription to a comic book and I'll be receiving it again this year. One friend gave me a big box of porn to which I opened right in front of my then girlfriend. She wasn't amused, but I was. There is one this year; however, that made me laugh my ass off.

I came home from work yesterday morning to find a black t-shirt hanging from my door knob. I figured it was going to be another hand me down from my roommate, the Jiggaman. See the Jiggaman often gets tired of his attire so he hands them down to me to do with as I please. This shirt, though, was my birthday gift from him.

The picture on the top left is what I received. I was informed I should wear this shirt with "brokeback" pride. With pride I shall wear this all of my days.

"Most nights I end up wearing a wife beater T-shirt and boxers." - Jessica Alba

Mar 29, 2006

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A community believes a leprechaun is sitting in a tree. Just like the images of Jesus that show up on toast or the statues of the crying Virgin Mary, large groups of people are flocking to this supernatural event. Many are claiming to see the little person. No one has grabbed the pot of gold yet, nor has the Irish midget provided the crowds with blue diamonds and purple horseshoes.

I'm not kidding. Ebaums has a video of the local news covering the story. Warwick Davis was unavailable for comment.

"It could be a crackhead dat got hold to the wrong stuff!" - Local skeptic.

Leprechaun In Tree

Attention women who purchase big boobs: Men might look at them.

A woman had plastic surgery to change her B-cup bosom to an enormous DD. She is now suing her employer for unwanted attention as she claims he's been looking at them and making comments, such as requesting her to close her cardigan "unless you want me to talk to your breasts."

This is one of those lawsuits where every party involved is a friggin moron. Then again I'm so horrible about keeping eye contact with women I'll probably get sued, maced, stabbed in the right testicle by a jealous boyfriend who watches pro wrestling and wears shirts that display the Confederate flag just because I allegedly was standing in a woman's house with a 38-500mm zoom lens and a quick shutter trying to get a shot of the girl changing in her bathroom cause after all if she didn't want anyone to see her she should've locked the door because....uhhh....

"I'm so scared girls look at my breast implants and think, 'To get boys, you need big boobs.' I tell them, 'Don't get it done. Those fears go away. You develop other insecurities, but breasts aren't one of them.' I want to get them half-size." - Jenny McCarthy

Boss sued over 'breast attention'

Mar 28, 2006

Caspar Weinberger is dead and you don't care.

Casper Weinberger died. Props to anyone who remembers who he was and what he did. If you're interested at all I suggest doing some reading up. His policies during the Nixon and Reagan administrations are still affecting us and the world.

What's surprising to me is that this seems to not be big news. This man received a presidential pardon, was involved in Iran-Contra, was nicknamed Cap for his no holds barred approach to slash federal social spending, and created the largest peacetime military spending budget ever.

What is front page news today you may ask? MSNBC has decided that a sculpture of Brittney Spears being a pro-life model is.

"This will not be an easy task. We are fully embarked on it, we are not embarked on it to go half-way, we are embarked on it to win." - Caspar Weinberger

Former Defense Secretary Weinberger dies

Sexiest woman of the year, brought to you by the superficial rag FHM.

I'm not a fan of the current onslaught of men's magazines such as Maxim, FHM, and Stuff. Sure they're amusing at times and yes I like scantily clad women as much as the next guy, but really I could care less about most of what they print. Some of it's funny, but it's hardly interesting journalism. It helps that I don't relate to someone who drives really expensive cars, listens to stereos that are worth more than my life insurance policy, and sleep with hot bartenders on a weekly basis.

Their lists of hottest women do interests me though and FHM was none to disappoint. Topping their list of this years sexiest is Scarlett Johanson followed by Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba. Not too surprising really. I'm actually glad they didn't top the list with some 90 lb beanpole of a girl. It's nice to see someone shapely being marketed as a sex kitten. I want the look of the 40s pin ups to come back. Sadly I was born in the wrong decade.

Yes this is really unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but any excuse for me to post pics of hotties brings me happiness. It's the little things...

"I hope they make a video game of me. At least I wouldn't have any cellulite then." - Scarlett Johansson

Johansson Unseats Angelina Jolie In FHM's 'Sexiest Women' Poll

I'm back.

I sat on the plane back heading back to Seattle reading a copy of 'Catcher in the Rye'. The flight was packed with a screaming baby, a movie playing, and scattered turbulence. The Pretty Girl was sitting by the window resting her head on her pillow trying to get some sleep.

The trip started out pretty uneventful. Paulette picked us up and drove us to the airport. The whole time she was blabbering on about her personal life speaking in a fashion that would make the average cattle auctioneer envious. I drowned out most of the rambling focusing on the fateful moment of meeting The Pretty Girl's folks.

We took a red eye from Seatac and after a short lay over in Newark we arrived in North Carolina. The stay was pretty uneventful. We ate at bad restaurants, met the parents and friends, and mostly lounged about the house.

We had dinner with some old high school friends of hers. It was me and six other girls sitting at a dinner table. I heard all sorts of gossip about people I've never met. I sat back and kept quite while the girls rattled on about high school folk and playing catch up. I wished I recorded the whole thing. It would make a great screenplay. I think the girls appreciated me not butting into their whole sewing circle, at least I hope.

Shari and Noah's wedding was a treat. After a rain delay the ceremony commenced without incident. The nuptials were short and sweet. The reception was the highlight. We had a sit down dinner which had the best food out of the entire vacation. Everything tasted great. The open bar was a plus and the company at the table were fun. There wasn't any dancing or people passing out, at least before we left, but I'm glad I went.

Went to church on Sunday and then ate at a blah buffet restaurant. That evening the family started a backyard campfire and we roasted smores and I got my birthday cake. A great choice by The Pretty Girl who picked out caramel cheescake.

Monday we went to a park, paddle in boats, rode a train, and played on the carousel. The day was ended by getting on a plane and heading back home.

I glanced over at The Pretty Girl who fell asleep. The sounds of the plane and it's passengers completely vanished as all I could see and feel was her, sound asleep, looking peaceful. I stroked her hair for a moment hoping she wouldn't wake up. She seemed happy with life at that moment, and seeing that made the whole trip worth it.

"No self-respecting southerner uses instant grits, I take pride in my grits" - My Cousin Vinny

Mar 21, 2006

ATF kids.

My parents were school teachers and for a long time and I conjured myths about exactly what they did. I imagined my Mom baking cookies and reading stories to the children. I believed Dad when he said he had his children goose stepping to the recess playground.

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms set up a kids drawing contest where children drew images of what they envisioned their parents do at their ATF employment. The results are comedy gold. Listed below are a few examples:

Tia's mommy throws people in jail where you will get sick. In true Dante fashion the prison has this inscribed on their entrance. Mommy is also well compensated for this position and the suspects are very cooperative. When hearing about their impending arrest the suspects lets out a "Boy oh Boy."

Dixon's dad arrests 12 year old children who burn down churches and have no fashion sense. The adolescent arsonist also carry devices only sold in places like the Love Pantry.

Jori's folks first handcuff people then whip out their guns and then and only then tell the criminals they're under arrest. Conveniently the crimes are committed right outside a prison.

Katie's bald daddy is a lawyer for the ATF and has to deal with a half asleep dumb ass jury and Judge Mablean Ephriam of Divorce Court fame. Katie must be brought up with a optimistic view of the justice system.

Morgan's dad monitors snowboarders for the ATF. I've never packed when hitting the slopes, but apparently it's a federal issue.

Little Garyn here believes that mommy has taken over the task made famous by Jesus of having the whole world in her hands.

"Don't bother trying to join the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It turns out they're apparently against all three." - Wiley.

Kids art contest

Heading to the south.

Tomorrow I go on vacation (cue the Go-Gos music). The Pretty Girl and I will be heading to her home state of North Carolina to attend Shari and Noah's wedding. While I'm down there I'll be meeting the Pretty Girl's family for the first time as well as celebrating my birthday.

Yes I'm nervous about the meeting of the parents. Not that nervous though. I once dated a girl who's father was a former drill sergeant for the Army. Unless her dad is a UFC fighter I'm going to try and keep a cool head.

The Pretty Girl has been going over information I should keep to myself, such as my past legal trouble involving drunken disorderly, minor in possession of alcohol, and indecent exposure. I thought that keeping things like this under wraps is a wise decision. From what she's told me it sounds like her parents are really conservative. I find it odd thinking of my folks as the "liberal" ones.

Wish me luck.

"It still surprises me when I find something in any North Carolina newspaper that isn't mad at me about something." - Jesse Helms

It pays to be hot.

All charges have been dropped against Debra Lafave, the infamous teacher who slept with a 14 year old student. Prosecutors tried in vain to keep the "victim" from testifying on the stand, but the judge ruled otherwise. When hearing the prosecution's dismal of the case the judge was quoted as saying, "Quite frankly, if the allegations against the defendant are true, the agreed-upon sentence shocks the conscience of this court."

The resulting press conference was almost comical if not depressing. Lafave avoided questions about the media and publics's fascination with her looks as well as stating that there was no double standard because she's a woman. She claimed there was data that backed her claim, but of course neither her or her lawyer provided any. If she were ugly and/or had a penis you bet she'd be sitting in a jail cell.

What was disturbing about this is that she didn't seem remorseful at all. She kept blaming her bi-polar disorder. I know people who are bi-polar and none of them have slept with underage kids. She also blamed the media for causing pain in her life, but now says she's taking online courses to become a journalist.


MSNBC has an interesting video clip of the press conference as well as comments by her poor bastard of an ex-husband. He now has to go through the rest of his life as the guy who's wife cheated on him with a teenager.

"I want the world to see that bipolar is real. Not one time has the media brought up the subject of my bipolar. I challenge you to read a book or an article on bipolar illness." - Debra Lafave

Charges dropped in teacher sex scandal

Sucks to be in Iraq, especially if you're gay.

Some Islamic leaders, which is a religion I respect (like how I cover my ass from a fatwa?), has many controversial teachings. The latest comes courtesy of Shiite cleric Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani who, as I understand it, is like the Billy Graham of Shiite Muslims.

Ali wants gays to be killed in the most "severe ways." He doesn't state what exactly that means, but I imagine it's pretty medieval.

Now a lot of you might think that this happens all over the Christian community. While yes there are nut jobs out there like the Rev Fred Phelps, but he actually runs a very small church which unfortunately gets a lot of press. Ayatollah Ali; however is a huge player in the Shiite community which is the faith of the majority of Iraqis. He's their Pope if you will.

Why do a lot of Americans who know little about Islam still refer to it as the religion of peace?

"Punished, in fact, killed. The people involved should be killed in the worst, most severe way of killing." - Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani.

Iraqi cleric wants gays killed in "most severe way"

Mar 20, 2006

Kick ass for the lord.

Certain religious groups look to very unorthodox ways to promote their message. Some of this is done through modern music, others use interesting caricatures of their messiah or God. Some use the stage of professional wrestling.

Yes you read that right. Christian groups are now offering pro wrestling as a forum to preach the word of Jesus while entertaining the audience with mock violence. They feel that the current WWE entertainment is full of degenerate values and they want to promote a more conservative form of wrestling. Seriously. I'm not sure if Christ would approve of this.

What's next? Porn for Buddha?

"Bring no more vain oblations; incense is an abomination unto me; the new moons and sabbaths, the calling of assemblies, I cannot away with; it is iniquity, even the solemn meeting. Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hateth: they are a trouble unto me; I am weary to bear them. And when ye spread forth your hands, I will hide mine eyes from you: yea, when ye make many prayers, I will not hear: your hands are full of blood" - Isaiah 1:13-15

"I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some." - 1st Corinthians 9:22

Christian Wrestlers Body Slam For God

You will believe a major news outlet can suck.

MSNBC is a website which I visit often. I do like the writing that's on the site; however some of their news stories really bother me. I know celebrity gossip is important to a lot of people, but MSNBC decided to list a link to Paris Hilton's relationship status in their "Top News Stories" section.

So many people want her to go away, and yet so many people will not let that happen, namely her. It's a conspiracy at the highest level. I see a board room with Paris, Tara Reid, and Lindsey Lohan where they have compromising photographs of major news outlet editors and they continually call them to remind them of this fact if they don't print a daily story about them.

Okay maybe the threesome of suck aren't so insidious. Maybe it's the public who keeps demanding news about these vacuous celebrities. I don't know what the fascination is nor do I understand what more could I learn about Paris that hasn't been said in her homemade videos.

Oh and if you do care about who Paris Hilton dates I hate you. Yes I hate you as much as I do hemorrhoids. You must be stopped at all cost. In fact I think the DMV should ask "Do you care about Paris Hilton?" on their drivers license renewal forms. If you say yes your license will be revoked immediately and you will be forced to read Noam Chomsky.

"All British people have plain names, and that works pretty well over there." - Paris Hilton

All work and no foreplay make call center go crazy.

Unless you've never had to call a major company about tech support, credit card charges, or even booking flights, you're probably aware that India has seen most of the economic benefits of American companies moving their call centers over there.

Not only are Indian workers seeing higher wages and a better standard of living, but they get to enjoy a lot of sex. Yes not only do they take angry calls from the frustrated denizens of the computer illiterate, but they also get some good oral on the side. According to recent polls many employees of the call centers are constantly sleeping with each other. It sort of reminds me of the time I worked mind.

I worked with a guy who currently resides in India. He claims this is not true citing that the call centers would have zero attrition. He's probably right, but still the poll numbers are eye opening.

"The companies should insist on certain standards. I want to make sure these call centers do not become dens of evil." - Shankar Rao, deputy commissioner of the New Delhi Police.

Indian call centers dens of sex and drugs?

Mar 19, 2006

Bad movies I love part 3.

Okay I no longer love this movie, hell I don't even like it, but when I was 12 'Red Dawn' was one of my favorite action films. Yes that right wing propaganda piece stirred my blood. Every time I threw in that movie on the VCR I dreamed about my coming teen years and how I soon may have to be an adolescent guerilla.

'Red Dawn' starts off in a sleepy Midwest town which suddenly gets invaded by the Soviet Union as well as the Cubans. A few teenagers escape the wrath of the communists and escape in a 4 wheel drive pickup successfully eluding automatic gunfire, RPGs, etc. The teens, led by Patrick Swayze, are thrusted into guerilla combat with the evil commie bastards and often win small battles against them. They hide out in the mountains and operate a 'hit and run' strategy of sorts.

The movie has a great 80s cast including Charlie Sheen, Jennifer Grey, Lea Thompson, and C. Thomas Howell. Most of the rest of the cast will make you point and say "oh it's that guy." The action is somewhat exciting, if not sensationalized. The whole situation of the story is completely ridiculous. Seeing these guys operate a fully automatic weapon effectively is laughable. The dialogue is hit and miss, but overall it's not that horrible.

'Red Dawn' actually makes me cringe now, but looking at it will make you think about how effective propaganda is. The movie wasn't serious enough to appeal to adults so often people my age would watch it with wonder. Most of my friends who saw it actually believed something like that could happen, as did I. People who say movies don't influence thought or behavior are dangerously naive. For those of you who doubt the movies popularity, ask some 30 something guy about what the cry "Wolverines" means to them and see what I mean.

This movie has the dubious honor in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most violent acts in a film.

Clip of woman trying to make parralels between the film and the Iraq insurgency:

"America is a whorehouse... where the revolutionary ideals of your forefathers... are corrupted and sold in alleys by vendors of capitalism..." - Soviet re-education camp.

Mar 17, 2006

Movie theatres struggle.

Doesn't your heart bleed when you hear about movie theatre companies and how they're losing money? There have been all sorts of excuses why this is, such as the quality of movies, cellphones, piracy, and better home systems. I'm going to a list a few of my excuses as well.

I've never been in a theatre and heard a cell phone go off. Ever. The biggest complaint I have about going to movies is people chatting it up. I had many experiences with this, but none so bad as when I went to see "Cast Away." The movie was okay, but the people behind us, in front of us, and all over the place were cracking jokes, talking amongst themselves about shit non related to the film, and even loudly giving advice to Tom Hank's character. I guess they thought Tom would look into the camera and say "thanks for the advice you in third row center. I'll try that out." I told most of them to shutup, but few honored my request.

There's really nothing that the theatres can do other than beef up the ushers and kick people out, but that could cause more of a disturbance than the idle banter. My buddy Joe saw someone get shot in a theatre in Kent which started because some guy was annoyed by another guys loud mouth. I'm not kidding.

It also annoys me that I'm bombarded by advertisements before the film then have to look at numerous product placements during the movie. I see enough ads in my life, especially online. It's bad enough that the lobby keeps trying to sell me overpriced crap, but I hate sitting in the theatre being told I need to watch shows like "The Biggest Loser." Speaking of which if they're so worried about revenue why are they advertising TV shows?

Piracy is a problem; however it's not as big as the industry thinks it is. I do know people who instead of support the industry they burn copies and distribute to friends. This happens all the time. They'd rather watch the film on their computer, which I don't understand. Keep in mind these are the same people that complain about the quality of the movies, but don't do anything to support the ones that are good. Happily these people are in the minority.

I still go to movies, and for the most part it's an enjoyable experience. Most people I know would rather sit at home. I don't really get this as I'm home enough of my day and I'd rather go somewhere. And I truly like watching films on the big screen as the director intended it. It heightens the experience, at least in mine.

"Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater." - Roman Polanski

Movie Theaters Try to Keep Things Quiet

Mar 14, 2006

Blinded by courage.

Al Jazeera recently had a segment which included Dr. Wafa Sultan, a Syrian-American psychiatrist. On the show she denounces many Muslim practices as well as inflaming the religion. While I don't agree with all of what she says I'm truly amazed by her courage to go on that channel and speak out against the violence that rages in the region. Her stance on Israel is also intriguing. I hope no one issues another death warrant.

One Good Move has the video. I think you'll find it interesting.

"Why does a young Muslim man, in the prime of life, with a full life ahead, go and blow himself up? In our countries, religion is the sole source of education and is the only spring from which that terrorist drank until his thirst was quenched." - Dr Wafa Sultan

Modernity or Barbarism

All dogs go to heaven. Jews however....

The Rev Jerry Falwell was quoted once as stating that Jews have the possibility of seeing the kingdom of God without accepting Christ. I found this interesting; however I'm no biblical scholar.

Well he now reports that he never said that. This was misquoted from the meeting of the Rev John Hagee, a neo-conservative Texas televangalist, and rabbi Aryeh Scheinberg. Rev Hagee believes that since Jews belonged to the "old" covenant they fulfilled their duties to the Lord and therefore will be taken into heaven. Neither Hagee nor Scheinberg comment on Belloq's theft of the covenant nor the recovery by the intrepid tough guy Dr Jones.

Falwell disagrees. He denies making any such statements and cements his belief that Jews have no chance of eternal bliss without accepting Jesus. He does accept the Jews as "God's chosen people", yet God's favored will burn apparently.

Again I'm no theologian, but this is all kind of depressing. I would actually like to see Falwell and Hagee debate their points on the salvation of the Jews. Of course in my silly mind after the debate was over they'd be locked in a cage in a no holds barred mixed martial arts match.

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being." - Jerry Falwell


Milosevic is dead. Yay a posting that's not about boobs.

So I haven't posted any tidbits about important news events lately so here goes:

Milosevic died the other day and I couldn't be happier. Does that make me a cold individual? Maybe, but if you were around when Stalin passed on would you not feel a tinge of happiness?

His death though brings about some interesting questions. My first one is how will history remember him or will it at all? I imagine he'll actually become a blurb in American history considering that hasn't been any images or strong evidence of mass graves. If we would have seen the carnage he created it would've hit home more with the collective conscious.

The same goes with Stalin really. When we think of terrible genocidal dictators Hitler comes first to mind, but Stalin, who reportedly is responsible for more deaths than Hitler, is not well known for his tyrant ways. Come to think of it I've never seen an American film dedicated to the tragedy that was the gulags. They may be out there.

I think Milosevic, like Pol Pot, will be largely forgotten and that's really sad. The lessons of genocide still have been ingored throughout the world. West Africa is a good example.

"Yugoslavia is a multinational community and it can survive only under the conditions of full equality for all nations that live in it." - Slobodan Milosevic

MilosevicÂ’s son: Belgrade funeral not allowed

Mar 13, 2006

A tale of a waitress and two clueless men.

Corey, aka Butters, and I were hunting for a place to grab a beer and found ourselves at a local Renton sports bar. We walked into the place and sat outside awaiting our waitress. Out walks our waitress and to our joy she was really pretty. Tall, brunette, shapely, and a gorgeous smile she donned frequently.

Her name was Tamara and she was a friendly gal who enjoyed chatting it up with us as we ordered more and more beer. Butters decided to use his "do I look like a Corey or a Jason to you" line, which he uses as an opener often. See Butter's first name is actually Jason, but he prefers to go by Corey. I sat back and enjoyed seeing my friend mildly flirting with her. I stayed quiet so not to move into territory that would take attention away from him.

Anyways Butters and I talked about how cute she was when she was out of ear shot and decided that this should be a regular hangout. We liked the food and beer and the eye candy was nice. Always good ingredients for me to come back to a place.

We arrived a second time to which Tamara greeted me by name. Kind of surprising since I've only been there once. Butters was taken aback by the fact she didn't use his considering they had a conversation about it. We ate and drank and then decided to leave. Tamara said goodbye to me, and again called out my name.

A third visit came and again Tamara greeted me by name. This is what made Butter's head swirl. He sat me down quickly.

"Dude," he said. "She used your name again."

"Yeah," I replied. "She probably remembers it from the credit card."

"Dude we had a whole conversation about my name and she's never used mine. I think she's into you."

"Nah, she's just being friendly. She's a waitress and she's hot. She's looking for big tips," (which ironically was working).

"Dude I think she's into you."

"Nah she's too hot to be into me. Besides you're better looking."

"Dude she's into you. You look good since you've lost the weight. She remembers your name, not mine."

"No way dude. She's not into me, but I do like the image."

We went back and forth arguing about whether this cute waitress was into me. He actually started convincing me that she was kind of digging me. It helped that every time she came by she would always use my name when taking my order or asking if I needed anything. I was actually starting to side with Butters.

"What do we do if she's actually interested in one of us?" I asked Butters. "Would you be offended since you like her as well."

"No man," he replied. "Would you?"

"Nahh," I said. "Lets make a pact. If she likes either of us the other will have no hard feelings."


Butters was still trying to instill the belief into me that Tamara was legitimately flirting. I was skeptical, especially since most girls would rather have Butters than me; however I did have a glimmer of hope. We talked about when I would make a move or at least ask if she was dating anyone. She didn't wear a ring, but I figured most waitresses wouldn't. I admit I felt sleazy thinking about hitting on a poor waitress who probably sick to death of receiving passes from guys all the time. Picking up on a girl while she was working seemed wrong to me.

She came by, but still I didn't make a move. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I made it back to the table I was hit with a shocker. Butters announced that the other bartender came by and he asked if Tamara was single. The bartender told him that they were engaged and getting married in September.

I was crushed, but we laughed like hell thinking about the long conversation and detailed planning that went into Tamara. We knew we were clueless men, but the reality of her dating situation hit home and made us think. Serves me right for thinking some hot waitress was just waiting for someone like me to walk into the place.

"The real judges of your character aren't your neighbors, your relatives, or even the people you play bridge with. The folks who really know you are waiters, waitresses, and clerks." - Anonymous

Bad movies I love part 2.

Clerks is probably one of the most successful bad movies ever. It also has a special place in my heart.

Written and directed by Kevin Smith, Clerks was filmed on a miniscule budget. Basically Kevin racked up a number of credit cards to the tune of $26,000 and decided to make this home movie. It shows as well. The acting is horrid and the cinemetography is cheap, but the movie's dialogue is so damn funny you can't help but laugh out loud.

The movie centers around two twenty-something clerks Dante and Randall. Dante works in a convenience store while his buddy Randall is a cashier at the video store next door. Dante is called into work on his day off to which he reminds everyone of this fact. Everything goes wrong for Dante that day as the store's windows locks are jammed with gum, a customer gets his hand stuck in a Pringles can, his girlfriend announces that she's gone down on 37 people, and his ex-girlfriend inadvertently has sex with a dead guy in the bathroom of the store.

Randall, who's the stereotypical smartass video store clerk, doesn't help matters for Dante; however Dante never takes into account that this horrid day didn't happen to him, but really it's because of the choices he makes in life. Randall constantly harasses the customers much to Dante's dismay.

The story is also fueled by Jay and Silent Bob (Smith) who stand outside the store, deal drugs, and constantly harass the clerks with juvenile humor. Jay often lays out large monologues dedicated to eating pussy, fighting, and tokin. His humor is borderline offensive, but his childlike naive sense always has me rolling. Silent Bob stands next to Jay as his loyal but mute sidekick. He's a hell of a dancer though.

For all the movie's faults the savior is the witty writing. While the acting wasn't good at all I found the script really reflected how young people talked, or at least my friends did. It also helps that I was a video store clerk and hearing the stupid customer speech by Randall hit home. Like Randall I got the questions "Do you have that movie with that one guy in it?" and "Is this movie any good?" How these people expected me to answer those I don't know.

The movie launched Kevin Smith into cult stardom and he's made actual big budget movies since. Some are good (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), some are okay (Dogma), but my favorite of his works will always be Chasing Amy, one of my favorite romantic comedies of all time.


"It's incredibly flattering, and really ironic. I grew up quoting Fletch and Raising Arizona, and now people quote the flicks I've done back to me. Weird, but nice." -Kevin Smith


Eva Longoria's love for women.

I normally I don't give a damn about celebrity culture. What they wear to awards shows or who they're dating means nothing to me.

That is except for lesbian crushes. Apparently Eva Longoria has "crushes" on Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, and Eva Mendes. The Desperate Housewives actress says she has "intense love for these women."

God I love this 'news' story. May we all be thankful for this beautiful day. You can all thank me later for posting this.

"There's something very sexy about being submissive. Because your guard is down, you have to totally surrender to something like that." - Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria's lesbian crushes

Bad movies I love part 1.

Since I've been ranting about good movies that are overrated I thought I'd take this on a more positive note. On a not so frequent basis, basically when I feel like it, I'll list bad movies that I love.

First up we have 'Rad', the BMX vehicle of the mid 80s. The only three actors you may recognize in the movie is Talia Shire, who is Francis Ford Coppola's sister, Lori Loughlin of 'Full House' fame, and Ray Walston, who's been in almost every bad movie ever.

The plot centers around Cru Jones who's a paperboy and part time BMX master. This man is the Tony Hawk of bicycles. A bike race ends up being hosted in Cru's small sleepy town and he becomes the hometown hero trying to qualify for the race. Along the way he meets Christian (Loughlin) who becomes his bicycle sweetheart and is the former flame of the antagonist, spoiled hotshot famous biker dude Bart.

Yes this is as bad as it sounds. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue even worse, and the cinematography and editing could've been done by a first year film student. Yet somehow I loved this film. I marveled at the bicycle stunts and Cru's determination to be the best. The Helltrack race never ceased to give my child mind a sense of suspense even though I saw it over a dozen times. To an 11 year old the scene where Cru and Christian dance on bicycles to 'Send Me an Angel' was the most romantic sequence ever filmed.

True 'Rad' doesn't stand well to the test of time. With such bad dialogue as "What I wouldn't do to go ass-sliding with you," and the 80s staple of always having a child swearing more than the adults, 'Rad' won't be considered a classic even in the cult sense. I still hold very cherished memories of it.

Yes I did practice on my bicycle to do the stunts shown in the movie. Yes I did hurt myself often and gave my mother a few ulcers.

Infamous bicycle boogie clip from the film:

"Dad always told me when your gut talks to you, you listen." - Cru Jones

Mar 12, 2006

Beware the woman who wants big boobs.

Another day another story about breasts. This time it's a truly ugly one. A Florida woman is accused of killing her husband, a Marine, so she could collect the insurance and get breast implants.

If your wife ever asks for breast implants don't use the "over my dead body" line.

“I am totally against plastic surgery. A lot of people think I have breast implants because I have the biggest boobs in the business. But I was a 34C when I was 17...They stay up when I wear a push-up bra. But if people could see me when I come home and take off my bra, how could they think these are fake?” - Tyra Banks

FL Woman Allegedly Kills Husband to Pay for Implants

Mar 10, 2006

Be careful what you buy your kid.

So I posted about beer today, so I thought a story about breasts would be prudent. Two guys thought it would be a great idea to ask their parents for tickets to a local "Girls Gone Wild" show. The parents were tricked into thinking it was a concert, which was partially true considering there was music, but ma and pa didn't count on nudity. Days later the parents were shocked to read about the details of what happened at the event.

I would never have the guts to ask my parents for that for my birthday, but it would rule if they offered it. Actually that might freak me out. Ehhh...I'm actually quite disturbed now. Excuse me while I go somewhere and cry.

"I told the boys that I was just disgusted with them. I said, 'Is this what we bought for your birthday?'" - Sally Ball, the mens' parents.

'Wild,' articles spark outrage

Nutritionists recommend more beer. Paul rejoices.

Nutritionists now believe that you should stop drinking soda, which should be obvious to anyone, and drink more coffee and beer. Apparently men are now supposed to drink 24 ounces of beer a day, as opposed to the recommended 16 ounces of milk.

Okay so the UAE deal is a big story. Yes the weather crisis in the south is important. And sure the French school hostage situation will make large headlines. I believe that any story about beer supersedes the previously mentioned news items. In fact I declare this day a great one. May we celebrate this wonderful find for years to come.

"Payday came and with it beer" - Rudyard Kipling

Skip the whole milk. Pass on soda. Drink beer?

So today will suck.

I'm wrapping up a 10 hr shift today at 5:30a. I have to be in a training class from 7a-4p. I don't think this is healthy, physically or mentally, but hey it's overtime. Like I said before every man has their price. Mine just happens to be really low.

"Insomnia is my greatest inspiration." - Jon Stewart

Mar 7, 2006

The Anti-Dr. Phil

In keeping with the theme of City Soul's recent post I thought this video would be appropriate. It's called 'Ask the Fruitcake Lady' and it's an elderly woman giving sagely wisdom to people who ask for advice. It's kind of like a straight talking old Dear Abby.

I haven't laughed this hard in a while.

"The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom." - H. L. Mencken

Ask the Fruitcake Lady
Ask the Fruitcake Lady part 2
A bunch of Fruitcake Lady clips

Beware men.

Ever cheated on someone? Every had the offended party tell all her friends about how much of a pig you are? Well now she has even a larger forum to vent.

It's called Don' and it's an online database where scorned females can post information about a cheater including pics, locations, and various tales regarding the man's exploits. This serves as a warning to women to steer clear of the idiot. Will this be abused? Nahh, cause we all know that women usually act very logical in a breakup and would never stoop to subhuman levels to get revenge.

I say to all men to watch out. It may be you listed there even if you did nothing wrong. That means if she does find a pair of women's panties in the back seat of your car to which you had no knowledge of or if she comes across a stack of pictures of naked ex-girlfriends in your sock drawer you may find yourself listed on this site. Not that either of those things have happened to me of course. Never.

Then again men you can just simply not cheat, but maybe I'm asking too much from my peers. Yes I did register to see if I was listed there. Luckily that's not the case.

“I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I’m going to screw everybody on your entire team. Coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team. Everybody would get a turn. If my husband cheated on me and embarrassed me like that, I will embarrass him more than he could ever imagine.” - Anna Benson the Way Women Date! (Their blog)

Paul Allen is at it again.

The seventh richest man in the world is upset he's losing money on his NBA team the Portland Traiblazers. What do businessmen usually do in times of financial collapse? Create a better product maybe? Ask for private investors for assistance? Declare bankruptcy?

Paul Allen, who's worth over 21 billion dollars, believes that public funds should be distributed to his organization to keep his team within the Portland area. Never mind that the Blazers are losing on the court as well as creating controversy. I always thought if you created a good team you might get people to fill the stands, but that's me.

Oregon is suffering from financial ruin. Their education system is in shambles as well as law enforcement and basic public services. Somehow the wealthy man that is Paul Allen has decided that tax dollars are better spent on teams that don't bring in much revenue than being spent on the future of our children.

Washington gave Allen the Seahawk stadium even though their tax dollars could be wisely spent elsewhere. I usually respect peoples' decisions at the poles, but seriously everybody in my state who thinks public funds are best suited for a private business that hardly brings in much money have a twisted set of priorities.

"When it comes to helping out, I don't believe in doing it for the media attention. My goal is to support the organizations that need help." - Paul Allen

Blazers lob up an SOS, minus the fine print

Overrated films part 12.

Cameron Crowe is at times a great writer/director. He's only directed six movies, and two of them I think are outstanding (Almost Famous, Say Anything).

I never understood the mass hysteria that was garnered when 'Jerry Maguire' was released. Critics and audiences were hailing it as a great romantic comedy that was sharply written. The movie was a whopping success at the box office. Tom Cruise was even nominated for an Oscar, cause I guess the academy thought him playing a romantic lead in hammed screenplay was a real stretch. For months people were subjected to the ridiculous "show me the money" catch phrase made famous by Cuba Gooding Jr.

The movie has it's good points as it can be funny and at times touching, but really it turned out to be a huge Reebok commercial. Product endorsements were thrust upon the audience at a furious pace while the movie kept trying to beat into our heads the idea that big money was really taking the life out of athletes and consequently the sport. Kind of ironic that at the end of the film the whinny brat that is Cuba Gooding Jr's character suddenly got a huge contract after he set aside his selfish ways and learned to enjoy the sport many dream of playing.

This was the main problem I had with the movie. Here I am supposed to feel sorry for an athlete who's constantly bitching about his "low" pay when he's doing his dream job that holds almost no significant importance. After he redeems himself I find myself really caring less. Should I even be remotely interested in a pampered star over someone who really makes a difference in peoples' lives?

It didn't help matters that I didn't find Cuba funny, nor Tom Cruise engaging. I do commend Renee Zellweger for doing the best she could with such a shallow role of giving up her job and putting the financial support of her child on the line to follow a man she has a crush on. What made watching the film also difficult is that her son seemed nowhere realistic; however cute he may have been. I've never had a kid throw out science trivia at me so it was a little hard to relate.

The movie is ultimately about redemption of bitter, cynical, and spoiled pawns of the sports industry. We follow them as they learn to love better, play better, and work better. Interesting of a premise this may be I found it at times hokey considering most of the redemption relies on the characters reacting to points of luck rather than delving into their hearts to find the good side of their soul.

Jerry Maguire trailer:

"The movie would have been much better, much more rewarding, if Jerry could have learned along the way, growing and evolving as a character. Instead, most of the movie presents Jerry ignoring reasons for him to change, followed by a short burst of inspiration, redemption, and rejoicing." - Marty Mapes

Mar 6, 2006

Issues that won't go away.

There are many social issues in this country which will never go away. Hard hitting issues such as racism, income gap, sexism, etc will be with us forever. Even issues that seem trivial to many, but others have unyielding passion for are not leaving our social consciousness soon, such as the Confederate flag.

South Dakota has banned abortion and only providing one exception in the case of a woman's health is in jeopardy. Rape and incest do not count as a good enough reason to perform the surgery.

I'm adopted so my stance on abortion has always been skewed. I'm forever grateful to my birth mother for not aborting me so it's difficult to look at this issue without emotion. I'm also grateful to my sister's birth mother as well. I've never gotten anyone pregnant, so I've luckily skirted the issue. I do empathize with the people who've made the difficult decision to either raise the child or abort them. I can't imagine how hard that must be.

I don't know really how I feel about abortion. I kind of wish it didn't exist really. I do know it's major surgery and an ugly procedure. I am firmly against partial birth abortions as I don't see the point unless the woman's life is in danger, but I may change my mind on it.

Most people I know are pro-choice, as am I, but some seem to be so they can be politically correct. This mode of thinking is dangerous. You should never fall by a social trend for fear of retribution or being lumped in with conservative nut jobs. I find these people to be cowards. I myself don't really know much about the science of the procedure and feel ashamed at my lack of knowledge in this area.

People are so passionate about this that they'll vote along abortion lines. Never mind the other important issues such as foreign policy, which is the first thing I look at when voting for a federal official. It also doesn't make sense to me that people only look to the president for either standing up or curbing abortion laws, yet they have no idea what their state senators, govenors, mayors, etc feel about this issue. Maybe this South Dakota law will wake people up and make them realize the real abortion fight is on the state capitol, not necessarily the White House. Maybe I'm giving voters too much credit.

Alec has posted interesting insights about his feelings about this new law. I especially like Alec's thoughts about state rights vs federal, which is a factor that falls by the wayside when you hear debates about abortion.

You can read Alec's opinion here.

"However much I dislike the idea of abortion, you should not criminalize a woman who, in very difficult circumstances, makes that choice." - Tony Blair

South Dakota governor signs abortion ban

Low APR and a nice rack.

Okay I hope this is a joke, but I've never been one to shy away from posting news and interesting tidbits that involve breasts. Apparently there's a credit card company that offers free breast implants when you sign up with there service.

Reason I think this is a hoax is because last I heard breast implants cost thousands of dollars. I could understand a free toaster or Sponge Bob keychain, but silicone? There's no way they could profit off that.

Oh and the testimonies listed on the site are disturbing as all hell.

"Breast implants gross me out. I don't think they're attractive at all." - Natalie Portman

Plastic Assests

Overrated films part 11.

Since it's Oscar night I thought it would be appropriate for another overrated film rant so here's my stab at 'Around the World in 80 Days'. No I'm not talking about the Jackie Chan Disney flick. I'm referring to the David Niven Oscar winner of 1956.

Most people of my generation probably haven't seen this film, nor have they probably heard of it. Based on Jules Verne's book, the movie follows the adventures of Phileas Fogg and his loyal servant Passepartout as they attempt to win a bet with Fogg's social club members. Fogg believes that Victorian era transportation can ensure a man can make it around the world in 80 days to which his upper crust peers balk at. Determined to prove his point Fogg places the high wager and uses various modes of transportation such as steamboats, trains, and even a hot air balloon to traverse our large world.

The movie is not without it's merits, which are few, but 183 minutes the film drags in long scenery shots. It's basically a large budget travel movie with a thin plot. David Niven plays a great snooty Victorian era businessman; however he gets rather annoying after the first half hour of the show. Cantinflas is funny at times as Passepartout, but his hijinks get old quick. His encounter with a Hindu cow can probably be deemed as racist to most viewers nowadays.

The best part of the movie is the opening to which a narrator (Edward R. Murrow) describes the importance of Jules Verne chronicling his writing career and the observations he made about our shrinking planet. The photography in the film is beautiful, but without a strong narrative it fails to capture the audience. Still 'Around the World in 80 Days' won Best Picture in a shallow pool of nominees including 'The Ten Commandments', 'The King and I', 'Giant', and 'Friendly Persuasion'.

"Not only the beginning of cameos, this was also the beginning of large, flashy, special-effects ladden spectacles that did more for the dazzling of the eye than it did for the mind." - Michael Szymanski

Mar 5, 2006

The Oscars are on tonight and I don't give a good damn.

Should you give a damn who won an Oscar? I mean really the contest is subjective as all hell. Marlon Brando once asked how you can judge a performance between actors unless they've played the same role. Makes sense.

I haven't watched it since Jack Palance won best support actor for his portrayal of Curly in 'City Slickers part 1'. I realized it's just a show more about politics than art. Kind of strange considering I'm such a huge film buff.

Everyone cares though or at least that's what I'm told. It's sort of like the homecoming courts back in high school. Less than 30% of the school actually gave a shit about it, but it was an event that was hyped to make you believe that not only did everyone love the people elected to the useless court, but if you didn't you were less of a person.

Still people are very passionate about film, as am I, and really hope their favorite movie, actor, etc. get the award they so "deserve". Yeah cause the critical and box office recognition isn't enough for a pampered Hollywood star.

Don't think though that if someone asks my opinion on the winners that I'll hesitate to tell them who should've won if only the Academy was as smart as me.

"To grasp the full significance of life is the actor's duty, to interpret it is his problem, and to express it his dedication." - Marlon Brando

Strange news stories.

In the news:

First up we have one of the oddest matrimonial agreements in NBA history. A lot of people have open relationships. I imagine it's even more common place amongst celebrities than we're told. Masha Lopatova decided it would be a good idea to come up with a compromise if you will. She gave her husband, Jazz player Andrei Kirilenko, an allowance of one night a year with another woman.

Andrei says he won't take advantage of the agreement, but I imagine he'll be having a one night stand auditions. Makes sense I guess, but then again maybe the lessons of Kobe Bryant need not be forgotten.

Jazz Notes: Wife gives Kirilenko woman 'allowance'

Next up we have the mystery of the totaled Ferrari. A business man with supposed ties to homeland security completely demolished a million dollar car and came up with a story so wild that police are having difficulty deciphering it. It doesn't help matters that every day a new twist is added to the drama. This has the makings of a film. Kyle mentioned this to me the other night and you bet I'll be reading more news about it as it comes out. I would comment more about it, but I suggest you read the sorrid tale as I don't have the time to chronicle it all.

Tall tales and fast cars add to mystery of LA Ferrari wipeout

"What's forbidden is always desirable. And athletes, particularly men, are susceptible to all the things they are offered. It's the same way raising children - If I tell my child, 'No pizza, no pizza, no pizza,' what does he want more than anything? Pizza. So this is the arrangement that Andrei and I have. If I know about it, it's not cheating." - Masha Lopatova

Mar 3, 2006

Did we do this to ourselves?

I remember back in the early nineties columnists were praising the idea that the world was becoming more and more democratic citing events as the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of Soviet communism. They ignored the Tieneman Square massacre and other tumultuous events regarding the political landscape, but the world body politic seemed to be more optimistic then.

Or maybe I just choose to remember the good news. In a world that is now increasingly fundamentalist I can understand why people to the past as "the good old days".

I'm now officially old. I might as well have a cane and gamble at a slot machines while making inappropriate remarks to young waitresses while they smile and call me cute.

"There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon." - P.J. O'Rourke

Mar 1, 2006

Overrated films part 10.

Great documentaries, such as 'Capturing the Friedmans', entertain as well as inform. There are those that simply entertain, but don't offer really great insight such as anything produced by Michael Moore. Then there are those that don't accomplish either.

Outfoxed is the perfect example of critical praise given to a film because of it's subject matter rather than the art. People who enjoy network news have an either love it or hate it passion about the Fox News Network. Fox News, which proudly displays the fictional 'Fair and Balanced' tag, has become a hero for the right and a thorn to the left.

Conservatives, who've always felt the mass media has had a left wing bias, felt empowered by Fox News; however none of them will claim the network is a pawn of right wing philosophy. They will defend the 'Fair and Balanced' slogan, because for some reason if they don't agree with a network's programming it's liberal, but when they agree it's non-biased.

Liberals, who've always felt the mass media has had a right wing bias, seem to fear the Fox News Network as if it's somehow going to brainwash voters into goose stepping to the polls. When a Fox News pundit, such as O'Reilly, says something ridiculous they feel obligated to counter such asinine rhetoric fearing that the public would follow mindlessly instead of letting the broadcasters dig their own grave.

I consider myself a moderate, but I've posted about O'Reilly before. Mostly just to poke fun at him. Yeah I'm kinda a hypocrite.

Outfoxed became a liberal's answer to the Rupert Murdoch pet. Many critics hailed the project as important and eye opening. Suedo intellectuals were praising it's cause and telling their friends it's a must see. I never understood why. Outfoxed can really be summed up in one word, "Duh". For a documentary to "expose" Fox News as conservative is sort of like saying Hitler didn't really care for Jews. It's something that should be obvious to anyone who's ever watched the network for more than 1 hour. Plus fans of Fox News are not likely to a) go see this documentary that blasts their television heroes or b) agree with anything stated in the film passing it off as another attempt by the "liberal" media to take down their divine given news outlet.

The art of the film is simple at best. The graphics used are cheap, the editing seems rushed, and the interviews are anything but compelling. You may find some interesting moments in the film, but don't expect to be surprised by the information they present to you. If the producers would've at least made the film entertaining, such as the pre-mentioned Michael Moore, I would recommend this, but alas...

Outfoxed trailer:

""Outfoxed", like Greenwald's "Unprecedented," which looks at the 2000 presidential election, and "Uncovered," about the build-up to the Iraq war, is a rush job, and it shows. There's none of Michael Moore's snap and crackle, although we're occasionally treated to an unintentional laugh, such as the concluding remarks in which the masses are urged to "rise up" - against a TV channel!" - Megan Lehmann

Slow kills.

As someone who believes that speed limits should be suggestions and not laws I found this video amusing. It's a few people who decide to drive along side each other on Atlanta's I-285 doing the posted speed limit of 55 mph. The results are priceless and their point is well taken.

I thought about doing this in Seattle, but then I remembered that no one in this area seems to even want to go the speed limit much less exceed it. Haven't figured out why really. I think the Puget Sound people hate their families and have no desire to drive home with a sense of urgency. Or maybe they're a bunch of candy asses.

"Life is too short for traffic." - Dan Bellack

A Meditation On the Speed Limit