Jan 31, 2007

Wiwille receives compliment, doesn't know how he feels about it.

A while back I had an IM session with a coworker and we were chatting away about nothing that pertains to work. She asked me if I've ever read the works of Tucker Max. I said I'm familiar with his work, such as the infamous Astroglide story, and she replied that she was a huge fan.

She then went on to say that I reminded her of him; however I'm a lot less cocky. I didn't know how to take that, but I thanked her considering she enjoys his writing. I then went on to read his website as I haven't seen it in years. I'm still not sure how to feel about her comparison between myself and this self absorbed misogynist called Tucker Max.

I read through most of his stories and a lot of it is entertaining, although I do believe an ass load of creative liberties were taken in his crafting of true life events. Still the amount of disdain he has towards the numerous women he's slept with, which he claims is upwards of 200, and the absolute disregard of social norms makes me wonder if I actually give off some of that same vibe. Although I'm nowhere near as good looking as Tucker and I cannot claim I've bedded anywhere near that many females, I do love and respect the fairer sex.

My coworker probably just made a literary comparison, which again I don't know how to take, and maybe I'm looking too much into this, but still I never want to come off as some Tom Leykis worshipping man whore who offends people just for the sake of my own personal amusement.

After reading Tucker's site I believe he would hate the fact that anyone would compare me to him given he seems so in love with his own self.

"I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead." - Tucker Max

Tucker Max
Tucker Max Is A Douchebag

Jan 30, 2007

What the hell has happened to our youth?

Today was a milestone as I finally broke down and said to myself 'never in my day'. Unlike previous generations who uttered such terms when referencing youth shenanigans, I followed that statement with a slew of profanity.

My descent into oldness started a few days ago when I heard the news of a Martin Luther King party at a Texas college frat house involving people dressing in black stereotypes such as Aunt Jemima, gangsters complete with forty ounces and afro wigs, and girls with padded big booty. The story was kind of a shock to me, but seemed like an isolated incident where some moron got hold of a bad idea and his friends, who are nothing but sheep, decided to play along.

Then the story of similar racially insensitive MLK parties on two other universities came to light and I just had to think what the fuck is happening with today's youth? I don't ask people to respect Martin Luther King as I wouldn't expect them to blindly worship any of our country's founding fathers, but still to dress in racist attire on the man's holiday is truly insane. It's even more sad that not one of the people in attendance decided to stop the festivities and say 'you know maybe dressing up in black face is not a good idea'.

Again I don't think anyone should automatically give worship to someone who has a holiday named after them, although one can learn greatly from the study of Martin Luther King, a man many consider to be one of the greatest Americans who has ever lived.

"He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Outrage Over Texas College MLK Day Party
Clemson Students Commemorate Dr. King
Another Celebration Of Black Culture

Jan 29, 2007

The nip of a winter's morn...the aftermath.

As requested below is the results of the prank I posted about a few days ago. Andrew, the butt of the childish stunt, took the photos. It's a testament to his character that he took it in good humor. Enjoy:

"That morning truly had to be one of the funniest of my entire life. I woke up late for work, went running out the front door, and what I saw was so unbelievable I just froze (pun intended). My truck was covered in frozen porn." - Andrew

Jan 26, 2007

Oh what I would give to pick his brain.

Author, conspirator, ex-con, CIA operative, Latin American propagandist, and destroyer of third world governments. Much has been said about the famed Watergate mastermind Howard Hunt. His passing this week may help bring a sigh of relief to those who hope to forget the turbulent political times during the infamous corruption of the Nixon White House; however I will miss what I call living history.

Yes he may have been a crook and a liar; however he also may have just been a misguided soldier who never failed to follow a direct order from his superiors. His death will not suppress the rumors of his supposed involvement or secrets of the JFK assassination, or the many other dark achievements he may have been involved in, but I find his public figure fascinating.

Just the story of his wife blackmailing Nixon with information to keep her husband from being prosecuted is the stuff of legend. After Hunt was named a suspect in Watergate, Mrs Hunt reportedly went forward to the White House with the claim that she could tie Kennedy's death with powerful men in Washington. Upset at the lack of legal defense payments from the Nixon administration she went public to journalist Michelle Clark. Shortly after their first meeting the two died in a plane crash.

There are many other tales of Howard Hunt and the upcoming release of his memoirs may shed some light on the turbulent career of the head of the failed Bay of Pigs invasion. Well if anyone actually believes him. Whatever kind of disposition this man may have had I would give so much to have a meeting with him and pick his brain. Hunt and I with a bottle of liquor and cigars. Just to hear his theories on the fragile system we call our Republic and how our liberty is truly defended would be at least entertaining if not mind blowing. Maybe I think too much like a conspiracy theorist nut, but it's minds like Hunt's that truly intrigue me.

You really don't give a damn do you?

"No one is entitled to the truth." - E. Howard Hunt

Watergate figure E. Howard Hunt dies at 88

Jan 25, 2007

Deserves a repeat.

A while back I posted a video of French pop singer Alizee dancing and singing in her native tongue. I shouldn't have to answer why.

Apparently she can belt it out in English as well. Below is a video of her doing a Madonna cover and actually out performing the material girl, which I will admit is no great feat.

And here I thought there was no one I would rank higher on my list of women I can't say no to than Scarlette. I've been wrong before. For my male readers I say enjoy.

"Liking to seduce isn't a sin" - Alizee

Please stop reading it.

I normally despise celebrity culture blogs, but I do admit I find some amusing. What Would Tyler Durden Do and The Superficial are a couple that spring to mind that sprinkle their ridiculous gossip with witty writing. Wonkette, which by their own admittance is more about gossip than politics, does take a similar approach; however they do it far better and concentrate about a subject more dear to my heart.

PerezHilton.com is the lowest of the low. I really don't get the rampant success of a man who changed his name in order to sound like the most vacuous celebrity in the history of our democratically selected royalty, but apparently there are many who see things otherwise and continue to make this blog huge.

After reading the first page I'm beside myself at how someone can view it without at least one thought of suicide. Not that I'm a literary genius, but just take this blogpost for example:

"Looking like a Grecian goddess, Jennifer Lopez is all smiles at a listening party for her new Spanish language CD, Como Ama Una Mujer, Tuesday night in Miami.
The Bronx girl will be back in our hometown real soon.
Ocean Drive magazine just announced that Lopez and Marc Anthony will be performing at a special concert on February 3rd, the night before the Super Bowl.
We're soooo there!"

Kind of hurts the head doesn't it?

Accompanying the rest of the equally literate posts are pictures of various celebrities with strange MS Paint style additions which may be graffiti style writings, such as 'fucktard' for a pic of Eddie Murphy, or objects that try to indicate these celebrities are gay or just happen to walk around with semen hanging from their lip.

It doesn't stop there. Apparenlty this Perez fellow really loves celebrities, or at least loves being in pictures with them. He spends quite some time talking about the parties that he has been invited to and in most cases disregarding how relelvant the celebrities he buddies up to are. It's like he used to be a dork in high school, but suddenly got with the 'in' crowd if only because the elite are secretly, or even overtly, mocking his social ambitions. They must find his writing so harmless and fluffy that they'll embrace him for his lack of scathing satire on how superfulous their work and lifestyles really are.

Perez will not let his readers forget that he's on almost every fluff VH1 special, from Which Celebrity has the Greatest Ass to Celebrity Couples and What Went Wrong. No matter how hard he may try to be cool he somehow eludes the status and of course I'm the perfect judge for this kind of thing.

His blog is a sad example of how quality is not required to become a success on the world wide web. If you do read it, please for the love of all that is good and holy in the world stop.

"My position is that if you are a politician or a celebrity, you're making a choice to live your life in the public arena. And when you're a public figure, you need to be prepared for the public's talking about you. … In my own subservient way, whether people agree with me or not, I'm trying to make the world a better place.” - Perez Hilton

Jan 23, 2007

Bad movies I love part 15.

People who know me, and those who've been reading this blog since day one, know that when I was at the tender age of eight a life changing moment occurred. On a Tuesday night I turned on the television and a sitcom was playing. The show was 'Who's the Boss'.

Yes it was a sitcom that changed everything for me as I got my first glimpse of Alyssa Milano. I made a decree that I would marry that girl one day. Sadly as I grew older a sense of realism finally got up with me and I realized that she probably wouldn't agree to be joined with me in matrimony. That was a depressing day indeed.

What has this got to do with bad movies I love you say? Well I'm glad you asked.

I was in the video store years ago browsing the shelves when I came across a copy of Poison Ivy 2: Lily. It had Alyssa on the cover so I thought I'd give it a shot. Couldn't be any worse than Double Dragon.

I brought it home and announced to my roommate Corey that I had the movie. He informed me that he heard she was naked in the film. We decided it would be a good idea to watch it immediately.

Now Corey's not that much of a fan of Alyssa, but he seemed as intrigued as I was of the fact that she might be at least topless for this role. I put the tape in the VCR and gathered myself to experience a film that felt enough wasn't said in the first Poison Ivy.

The fact that I stated the video player was a VCR should indicate how long ago this was, but I'll try and sort out what this horrible film was about. Alyssa plays Lily, an art student at some college who comes across Ivy's, the main character from the first film, diary. In it she reads about how Ivy portrayed herself as a princess to some family, but secretly her desire was to destroy them. Lily is intrigued by these writings and suddenly develops a split personality. One being a sweet wholesome student, the other being a sex object.

Lily lived with a few roommates. One was a lesbian and another was some studly guy who kept sleeping with her. The other was some Asian guy who never spoke. Corey and I started giving our own back story to the Asian guy, calling him Wang Fu. We figured at the end he would break out numchucks and whoop ass on the bad guy, but we still weren't sure who the antagonist was at that point.

Yes we're quite the epitome of cultural sensitivity.

Anyways some creepy art professor becomes obsessed with Lily, which I guess I could understand. For reasons that escape me she plays upon his obsession by having him paint her nude. Yes the girl gets naked on film multiple times. I thanked each and every god for that glorious day that I finally gazed upon the glory that is Alyssa sans clothing. I know most of you reading this will roll their eyes and dismiss me as some sort of pervert and really you'd be correct in doing so.

The professor and the studly guy get into a fight over Lily's affection. Professor dude storms into the Lily's place and Wang Fu shows up. Corey and I were really excited about Wang kicking some academic ass, but sadly all he did was tell him that the police were coming. Professor then threw him down the stairs. Both of us sat in shock as we saw Wang tumble to his demise. Rather anti climatic considering the whole scenario Corey and I gave the character.

As you've just read I don't remember much of the details of the film other then Alyssa disrobing a few times, but I do recall the movie being god awful. The acting was at times atrocious, the plot made little sense, and the dialogue was written by someone with a sixth grade reading level.

You know what? I'll watch it again.

"I feel a lot healthier when I'm having sex. Physically. I feel all these jitters when I wake up in the morning. Just energy jitters. I take vitamins, I work out every day. When I'm having sex, I don't have that." - Alyssa Milano

Jan 19, 2007

Another gym incident.

I end my workout today without incident and enter the locker rooms. As luck would have it my locker was right next to a man who seemed to be in his late sixties changing. While this is not unusual in and of itself the man was singing.

Yes he was breaking out into song. Don't know what song it was as it was about as coherent as your average homeless person pontificating about third world debt relief. Still he was carrying on his tune as I was dressing down for the shower.

Sure enough the man took the shower next to me and continued his verse. It doesn't end there.

I go back to my locker to get dressed and the guy followed me continuing his serenade. I put on my clothes when the unthinkable happened. He touched me on the shoulder.

Old guy: I..I..I have such a...wonderful voice I decide....to share....with everyyyyyone.

Me: Well..you certainly are generous.

Old guy: Yeah I am.

That was the end of the conversation. I put on my clothes so quick you would think I was just caught in the middle of fornicating. Today I make a decree that I'm firmly against naked singing old men.

"I don't sing well in the shower!" - Christopher Atkins

Jan 18, 2007

The nip of a winter's morn.

Unless you're living in the desert or somewhere tropical you've probably noticed it is freakin cold outside. When stepping out into a cold morning many thoughts come to someone's mind such as driving conditions, proper attire, etc. The first thing that enters my brain when experiencing a winter's chill is porn and an ugly truck.

Let me explain.

Years ago my friend Trystan was leaving town for about a year and him and I were sitting around our place discussing things to do on his last night there. Quoc showed up and said we should pull a prank on a business.

We brainstormed and Trystan came up with a plan that was so brilliant Quoc and I sat there in silence for a few moments. Awestruck by the genius that was just displayed we agreed that Trystan's idea must come to fruition and that nothing would stop us in our quest.

This night was the coldest the town ever experienced on record, but we were undaunted by the chilly weather. First on the supply list was water. We filled three gallon jugs with H2O and made our way to the local adult book store.

In the book store we found tons of back issues of Playboy and Penthouse for about ten cents an issue. We purchased a few and made our way to a destination.

We actually didn't agree on what target we were going to hit before we left the house, but Trystan brought up that Andrew's truck would be the perfect blunt of this prank. To give you a little background Andrew had this old early 70s full size white GMC truck. It was beat to all hell with multiple dents, no door locks, and a shifter that worked sporadically. It's been the butt of other pranks, but this time Quoc and I agreed would be the ideal vehicle we had in mind for our childish stunt.

Andrew parked his truck on the busiest street in the city. We pull up in the middle of the night and run to it with jugs of water and porn. I ripped out a naked lady picture, placed it on the truck, and poured water on it. Instantly the water froze cementing the nude photo on the vehicle.

Oh my God it worked. I looked at Trystan and Quoc who gave an affirming smile and nod. They quickly got to work.

We covered the truck in porn. It got so bad we were running out of places to put more naked ladies on the GMC. The cold really started getting to us so we finally stopped and threw the unused magazines in his truck, cause after all since he's been the butt of our prank we thought he could use a consolidation prize.

We piled into Quoc's car and sat in total silence for a few minutes. Laughter than ensued.

Trystan: I so wish I could see the look on his face when he sees it in the morning.

Me: Dude I don't know if I really want to be around for that.

Trystan: Oh I would.

Quoc: Poor guy. I hope he doesn't get pissed at us.

Me: Well we did give him porn.

Quoc: Still he's got a truck covered in porn. It may take him forever to get that off.

Me: Yeah, but tonight will be the stuff of legend. I don't think I've ever been involved in a better prank. I just hope Andrew enjoys it as much as us.

Quoc: Yeah. Good idea Trystan.

Trystan: Thank you.

The next morning the truck was sitting on a busy street covered in pornography. I can't imagine what the thoughts of passing motorists may have been. Andrew did take it in good humor even going so far as to taking pictures of the whole aftermath.

It's amazing he considers me a friend to this day.

"It was an elaborate prank, and our supposed intellectual elite continue to fall for it." - Orson Scott Card

Jan 17, 2007

Surfing the Obama wave.

Recently Barack Obama has officially announced his candidacy for President in '08. Oops. I mean he's just launching an exploratory committee. Yeah that's it.

This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone as he and some of his staff were spending quite some time in Iowa testing the waters. Obama has storm of supporters in the media who are giving him press even when no events warrant it. Friends and family seem to be taken with him, well at least the idea of him.

I for one find Obama a charming politician, well spoken, intelligent, unafraid to ask direct questions during senate committees, and shares a few political values that I do. The problem is I really don't know that much about him and guess what? Neither do you.

And that's the problem. Anyone I speak with concerning Obama seem to speak of him as if he were a matinee idol, but none of them can tell me what specifically stands for. Okay he's a Democrat, but that as you know is vague. No one seems to know anything about his Senate voting record, but everyone will snap their fingers and say 'oh yeah he went to Africa and helped some people.'

A true saint this Obama is. One friend even told me he's going to vote for the first time for Obama. When asked why he said because he's black. (My friend is black as well.) He told me that many other black people he knows will come out in droves to support him. Given that Obama shares blood with many races I find this rather amusing, especially when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton still won't endorse him.

We're all sick of the corrupt administration and yes we all want change and Obama may indeed be the next American political hero. We want to see a minority in the White House, qualifications be damned even. The public feels Obama will be great for the country and they'll profess that belief with almost religious zeal.

Many people jumped on the Bush and Arnold bandwagon and telling their peers that they feel both would do a great job. Again none of them could explain why or what they stood for. Both were elected of course and you know the rest. History does repeat itself constantly in politics.

I'm not saying you shouldn't vote for Obama. If you feel he's the best qualified person for the job then so be it. I might vote for him too, but please tell me you'd vote for him based on his record rather than his ability to charm you. I can certainly understand the need for heroes in these dark days, but let it be a person of substance and not one of hype.

"My parents shared not only an improbable love, they shared an abiding faith in the possibilities of this nation. They would give me an African name, Barack, or blessed, believing that in a tolerant America your name is no barrier to success." - Barack Obama

Jan 16, 2007

Wiwille goes book shopping. Learns about Nephi.

Today I took my car in for repairs. As their shuttle service would not take me beyond a ten mile radius of their shop I walked around the strip mall and did some browsing while the mechanics took apart my vehicle. I walked into a bookstore, Desert Books, and found something truly amazing.

I strolled in to see a store not unlike most that sell literature, but I noticed it had statues of angels and paintings of a Christian nature. A religious bookstore? Hmm. Nothing out of the ordinary really. I've been to many a store that targeted various faiths whether they be Pagan, New Age, Christian, or Eastern philosophies, but something told me that this place was different. Unbeknowst to me at that moment I had treaded upon new waters.

A guy in a white button down shirt approached me and asked if I needed help. I was curious about their bible section and what different versions of it they had in stock. About then I noticed another employee there in a similar shirt. Hmm.

I then glanced to the new releases section to find books about the Prophet Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Ye Gods I'm in a Mormon book store!

I stopped for a second to ponder this. I've never seen a book store, nor any store for that matter, that dedicated themselves strictly to the faith of the LDS church. I then remembered that a LDS Temple, which is supposed to be a big deal to people in the religion, was located behind the strip mall so really the location was brilliant.

Now most people would back away, thank the staff politely for their interest in their Mormon needs, and walk calmly, if not in full sprint, out the store. Me; however, made no such dash into the great abyss of secularism. I figured if anything this experience would be good fodder for this blog.

Don't say I don't suffer for my art.

Now if you're wanting to hear me to bash the principles of the faith then read no further. While I agree Mormons can be great targets of parody (Orgazmo) or out right ridicule their concepts of faith really aren't that much more strange than many religions that span our shrinking planet. What I will point out is their choice in entertainment.

I first opened up a Bible which had notes by Joseph Smith. Most of it was in the Old Testament, or Five Books of Moses if you will, and cited many stories and related them to the Nephites who, according to Smith, was a civilization that rivaled the Egyptians and Incans and inhabited the Americas. According to the Book of Mormon they even predate the American Indians.

Now this was more interesting than entertaining. Time to move onto another shelf. Oooohhh. Mormon games!

Yes they had a small board game section, which had various games such as Monopoly and religious trivia. What struck me was the Book of Mormon Chess. Yes you read that right. They have a Book of Mormon Chess.

Now they make chess games after many themes such as Civil War, King Aurthur, Looney Tunes, and Star Trek, but never have I seen it used with religious figures. This set apparently takes the heroes and villains during the Nephite era and correspond them with various pieces.

I was holding the box trying to picture men in black ties playing the great strategy game when out of the corner of my eye was the DVD section. Oh comedy gold.

They did have a load of mainstream films such as Napoleon Dynamite (which I hear was created by a Mormon), Phantom of the Opera, and Pride and Prejudice. They also had various non-fiction titles ranging from the history of the church to the 'lies' of porn. One documentary called American Mormon: People say the Darnedest Things about Mormons was about two guys who traversed the landscape of the US finding people uneducated about the LDS faith and asking them questions that they feel everyone should know.

There were many other low budget fiction titles centered around Mormon themes, but one stood out like a burly man at Lilith Fair. Yes it caught my eye immediately and for a few moments I was transfixed upon it.

The title was Mobsters and Mormons. From reading the jacket it seemed almost a companion piece to that bad Bruce Willis movie 'The Whole Nine Yards". The plot is about a mob family that goes into the witness protection program and is sent to Utah to live. As most fish out of water stories they have trouble blending in with the LDS community. I've never seen the film, but I expect the plot to be about as thick as the Matthew Perry film. Hell the dialogue may be better, but it didn't have Amanda Peet, which is key.

As I stood there holding the DVD in disbelief an employee asked me if I needed more help. He showed me the history section which contained some impressive titles such as 1776. I found a good book actually, 1942, and picked it up along with a copy of Rear Window, one of my favorite Hitchcock films.

The Mormon clerk and I struck up a conversation about history books and old films and while I bet the man did indeed escort a relative to the prom I found myself liking him. Sure he may believe in things you and I think are odd, maybe even insane, but as other practicing Mormons I know he seemed like a genuine chap. I felt I could ask him about anything and I would get an honest, convicted, and unapologetic answer. To his credit he seemed aware that I'm indeed not Mormon, but he made no attempt to convert me to his faith. If only so many of us in the secular world would act accordingly.

"In your hands or that of any other person, so much power would, no doubt, be dangerous. I am the only man in the world whom it would be safe to trust with it. Remember, I am a prophet!" - Joseph Smith

American Mormon:

Jan 13, 2007

Blogger dreams.

I had the craziest dream last night and guess what? It included some people on my blogroll. It was just...well...read on.

I was on a plane when I got a phone call from work. They asked me to deliver a package to Alyssa and Tracie Lacy (writers of Accidentalpurposity). I agreed and they said they would have the package waiting for me at the airport and a car would take me to them.

I ride in the car which takes me to the middle of nowhere. I step out to see the two standing there looking at me in shock. What's funny about this is the only image I know of those two is the one listed on their profile. So imagine if you will a profile head shot with their jaws dropped.

I approached Alyssa and said I had this package for her and she looked at me in disgust.

"You're not hot," she said matter of factly.

"Oh yeah?" I replied.

"Yeah," she said. "I thought you were going to be hot, but it appears you're not."

"Eh..sorry about my face...well...here's your package. See ya later I guess."

"No wait," she said. "We don't want you to leave yet."

"Yeah," said Tracie Lacy. "You have potential to be hot."

"I do?"

"Yes you do," said Alyssa. "We should give you a makeover and you can then be hot. We don't deal with people who aren't hot."

"Yeah I think I'll pass," I said. "I'm going to go now."

"No," said Tracie Lacy. "We'll buy you dinner and then you can decide if you want to be hot."

"Look I think I look fine," I replied. "Thanks anyways."

They actually pleaded with me to stay for dinner as they really wanted me to end up being attractive. They said it was imperative that I return home looking good.

I was then whisked away into a pizza place with the two girls. They gave me all sorts of ideas on how I can be as hot as Trent Reznor, Joe Rogan, and/or Marky Mark (I still refuse to call him by his real name).

I listened to their ideas, but I asked them why they were so concerned with my looks. They said it was their hobby to turn guys into hot model types and their dream was to turn it into a reality show. The dream suddenly ended.

No there was no nudity or anything of that nature in my slumber. Sad because both of them looked rather attractive in dreamland.

You know when you dream about work and you wake up feeling you need a vacation?

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?" - Woody Allen

Jan 11, 2007

Wiwille's open letter to Justin Timberlake.


Recently I've discovered through a major news source, which should be above printing stories about celebrity culture, that you may indeed be dating Scarlett Johansson. I'm writing this on behalf of all men, and some women in fact, of our feelings about this.

You've lead a charmed life thus far. Riding the wave of the boy bands during the late nineties you've enjoyed the many riches and fame that came with it. Along with the fortune you've earned you have capitalized on such infamy by staking a claim in the greatest prize men only dream of and that is women.

You seem to have it all. You've hit the genetic lottery, have an arguable amount of talent with your singing and now acting career, and most of the female population, even those that don't care for your music, seem to be taken with the idea that you're funny and have a lot of charm.

Yes Justin the long list of hot celebrities you've been attached to can make even Hugh Hefner envious. You dated Brittney when she was actually desirable. Some men would make the claim that your recent ex, Cameron Diaz, is not that hot, but I'm willing to bet all of them would pay a few hundred dollars just to be in the same room with her.

Then I heard that you once dated my old childhood crush Alyssa Milano. Since I was eight years old I dreamed of the day that the star of Poison Ivy part 2 would one day agree to marry me, but after hearing that she let you be seen with her I abandoned all far fetched notions that I would even stand a chance with her.

Scarlett came upon the world with her vintage pin-up hotness and many men were swooned by it. Her figure was almost a godsend, reminding us that stick figure women were not going to dominate the silver screen and we all cried out with joy upon her arrival as an A lister. Simply looking at her reminds us of yester year, of days most believe were a simpler, nobler time. Yes Ms. Johannson not only provides us with something beautiful to look at and fantasies that help deplete the world's kitten population, but her beauty gives us hope.

Now upon hearing the reports that you've convinced Scarlett Johannson that dating you was a good idea I am torn about how I feel about you. Hell she may be so taken with you that you can freely admit you never sat through The Island. Most men would hate you for this, but I don't. I can't blame you for your desire for her. In fact courting her may be the most important thing you ever do. Actually it's the boldest achievement in mankind. I'm sure if Gandhi were alive he would humbly admit that for all his accomplishments none were so great as he who sleeps with Scarlett. She may be a raging bitch for all I know, one that ridicules the homeless by throwing the heads of puppies at them, but my image of her will never be tarnished.

You're almost like the Tommy Lee of boy bands, but even he is jealous of you now. He would probably saw off a few inches of his massive member just to live like you for a day.

At first I almost took it personally that you've ruined any small chance I may have had at two of my favorite women, but really I would do the same in your position. You may sit there in your mansion laughing at the little people who sell their souls to Satan everyday in hopes they achieve what you have. You may even punish your servants for bringing you low quality cocaine by putting out your cigars on their necks, but in the eyes of men worldwide you have become their unspoken hero.

Many men who express hate for you are often countered, usually by women, with the 'oh you're just jealous' line. Our jealousy is indeed evident, but you're too hot for us to compete with and therefore you're a constant reminder that our dreams may never come true.


“One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy.” - Scarlett Johansson

Jan 10, 2007

Let it snow!

I was going to write a rant about Bush's speech about the Iraq situation since I haven't written about politics in a while, but there's bigger news in Wiwille-land. There's snow outside! Yes the picture above is taken with my crappy camera phone.The whole eastside of Seattle is in a state of panic as cars are moving slowly when they're not in a ditch or hitting another automobile.

My coworker couldn't make it in to work tonight due to the fact he couldn't get out of his garage. My boss got stuck at the local Target so I went and picked him up. I saw an accident, a guy high centered on a lane divider, and all sorts of vehicles doing their best impression of drunk linebackers on ice skates.

I still embrace the beauty and serenity of new fallen snow, but some don't see things as I do. Years ago my friends and I decided we would create a snow sculpture that would make Calvin envious. We spent hours building a fort in our front yard and were taking a break before we tackled the snow men. We sat on the porch drinking hot coffee admiring the fine sculpture we just created and discussing how cool it would all look when it was done.

Then some miserable sack of monkey shit in a large truck hops the curb and drives through the yard and destroyed our snow fort. He drove off after I tossed my mug at his vehicle.

Our work of art was not meant to be. Saddened we were by the vandalism, but still we enjoyed the scene of watching the new flakes blanket the atmosphere of concrete.

"I frequently tramped eight or ten miles through the deepest snow to keep an appointment with a beech-tree, or a yellow birch, or an old acquaintance among the pines." - Henry David Thoreau

Jan 9, 2007

Yeah go ahead and call Wiwille a pansy.

I came across some news that will probably only matter to me. I see that 'Fiddler on the Roof' is being re-released as a 2 disk special edition. My eyes lit up and a bright smile came to my face as this is one of my favorite films ever.

Then it dawned on me that I already have the bare bones edition on DVD and I've seen the movie more times than I can count. I've watched it on stage a few times, plus I used to sing the songs while changing the lyrics to suit my dirty mind.

You know what? I'll still buy it. I'm learning to embrace my geekness as well as any facade I may have created that I am the type who would never watch a musical. Call me a wuss. Go ahead I dare you.

It's funny how I get all gleeful over a musical as well as stuff like this. I don't get myself sometimes.

"There was a lot of argument over my casting of Topol. The Americans wanted Zero Mostel. I thought he was too American. I wanted a first-generation Russian Jew." - Norman Jewison

Fiddler on the Roof (2-Disc Collector's Edition)

Jan 6, 2007

Great. I'll put my pickle in a jar for ya.

While our entertainment industry brings us all sorts of syurpy love stories with cute boy meets girl rom-coms talkes of real sacrifice for our loved ones don't seem to be huge hits. Music is no different when you think about it. Pop stars constantly express their desires for their love of the month, but you never hear songs about the true struggles many of us have in a relationship or the benefits for that matter. It's all highly sensationalized garbage.

Well one singer has decided to break down musical barriers and bring us something truly touching that we haven't seen since the golden age of songwriting. I believe this song will be a bigger hit than "Smoke Gets in your Eyes". This artist is a musical genius and even Scott will (should) agree with me.

"Songwriting is a very instinctual process and I don't really understand what it's saying to me." -Sarah McLachlan

My Box in a Box.

Jan 4, 2007

Overrated films part 20.

Guys around my age understand the sacrifices of having a girlfriend in high school. When dating as an adult many people have the defining moment that secures the relationship as a serious commitment. Giving your significant other the keys to your apartment is just one example couples make as a gesture of their true affection.

High school was far less complicated than allowing your mate the ability to enter your home without a moment's notice, still most will say they wouldn't know it at the time. If you wanted to be nice to your girlfriend you had to follow seemingly simple, but really complicated rules such as knowing the right amount of public displays of affection without looking creepy, understanding that her friends' opinions might as well be religious text, and giving attention, but only when it's convenient for her.

The grand gestures of my high school dating experiences consisted of many things, but the one that really showed I cared for a girl was my willingness to sit through Dirty Dancing. It's a small miracle that by the time the credits rolled I hadn't thrown off my shirt and ran into oncoming traffic screaming. Viewing that abomination which turned into a colossal success did irreparable damage to my psyche and I still haven't healed.

While not one sane critic gave this film a positive review audiences made this film immortal. This low budget drama swept the headlines and became for many young girls the movie to see. Hearing them talk about it and how they felt so adult when they first viewed the film makes me wonder why guys don't sit around discussing their first porn. (Actually some of us do do that.)

Dirty Dancing is loaded with flaws, but the one element I couldn't understand was the music. This film is set in the early sixties, but damn the music is all over the board. First you'd hear 60s music, then 80s, then 70s, then back to 60s. The score was epileptic at best and why not? The rest of the movie was too.

Looking back on the film *shudder* I think the execs behind this wanted nothing more than an excuse to sell a soundtrack, but alas they created a movie that many claim will be a classic for many generations. I'm really tired of mass public consumption being labeled as great cinema.

Since I'm out of high school I will no longer subject myself to a dancing Swayze anymore, but I will say this to all females out there. If you love your man you will not insist upon his viewing of this film. It's known to cause high blood pressure, diarrhea, and bouts of temporary insanity. In rare cases men have been observed trying to break their own skull with a baseball bat when the infamous line of 'no one puts Baby in the corner' is spoken.

"The movie plays like one long, sad, compromise; it places packaging ahead of ambition." - Roger Ebert.

Since you sat through the pain of reading this tripe I bring you a present. The gift being Patrick Swayze singing the praises of his onscreen love interest:

Jan 3, 2007

Again I'm torn.

Critic proof and queen of superficial television Oprah Winfrey has done something wonderful today. You've probably already heard the story, but for those uninformed Oprah has opened a girls leadership academy in South Africa which cost her more than 40 million dollars.

Even a cynic like myself can do nothing but praise her for this. 40 million is a lot of money no matter where you spend it. Hell should could've bought Bolivia with that cash. It's no drop in the bucket even for someone of her wealth and she's truly making a solid commitment to the betterment of an impoverished nation.

She of course had this to say:

"I became so frustrated with visiting inner-city schools that I just stopped going. The sense that you need to learn just isn't there," she says. "If you ask the kids what they want or need, they will say an iPod or some sneakers. In South Africa, they don't ask for money or toys. They ask for uniforms so they can go to school."

Now this troubles me. While it may be true that inner city youths are more interested in quick routes to material excess rather than work hard and appreciate the benefits of living in a first world country she's been a contributor to that kind of culture. The products she endorses (iPod), gives away on her talk show, and help make her rich are embedded into our conscious and now she shows disdain for it. Yes it's easy to criticize parents and children for embracing our values of excess, but Oprah's built an empire on it advertising such products through her shows and magazine. It's like she's amazed that the people behind the hawking of such merchandise are doing their jobs effectively.

Oprah is beloved by millions and it's truly mind boggling how she created a legion of fans who worship her as a messiah. Richard Dawkins said recently religion will be wiped off the earth in the next couple of decades. Depending on your definition of faith I believe the church of Oprah will never die. She's just that good.

That being said I do wish the best for her school and hope many children benefit greatly from her generosity.

"I understand that many in the school system and out feel that I'm going overboard, and that's fine. This is what I want to do. I wanted to take girls with that 'It' quality, and give them an opportunity to make a difference in the world. I'd like to think I have as much good sense as I have money, so that's a lot of good sense." - Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Goes to School

Jan 2, 2007

Happy New Year!

I hope everyones New Years was a happy and safe event. Mine was great as I watched the fireworks erupt from the Space Needle with the Pretty Girl in my arms. Various friends were in attendance and a fun time was had by all.

Most people are making their new years resolutions and I've heard the gamut of the usual from people, such as lose weight, quit smoking, stop snorting cocaine from the ass of a transvestite hooker, etc. I started to make a list for myself, but really it was just a series of goals I want to achieve, such as climbing Mt Rainier.

Really my only resolution is just to be better at every thing I do. Whether it be a good boyfriend, employee, son, brother, friend, uncle, hell even blogger, I want to be the best at all of the roles I place upon myself. I think everyone should start there rather than trying to convince themselves that Atkins does work.

Don't get me wrong for I'm still going to try and convince Jessica Alba, Scarlette Johannson, and Salma Hayek that I'm the sexiest man on the planet and the only way they'll experience true happiness is by being my love slave.

"Dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second." - Helen Fielding