Mar 30, 2007

Squeal piggy.

The other day I was working on the shoulder press machine at the gym while a chunky teenager was on the butterfly machine next to me. Accompanied by a trainer, the kid went on and on to him about things uninteresting to everyone but him. To the physical trainer's credit he did nod and smile enough to keep the fatty engaged all the while trying to encourage him to lift more. The kid was loud and giddy and reminded me of Chunk from The Goonies.

Then the rotund adolescent dropped a bombshell.

Kid: I'm the mercy champion of my school. No one can beat me at it.
Trainer: Really?
Kid: Yeah. I've got a real high pain tolerance. I bet ya anything I can beat you.
Trainer: Oh yeah?
Kid: Yeah. Wanna see?
Trainer: ....uhh...okay.

I stopped my workout, cause I had to see this. The trainer and kid grasped palms and started their quest to make the other cry mercy. After a few moments fatty boom-ba-laddie started looking uncomfortable.

Kid:'re squeazin...ow....ow....
Trainer: You better submit.
Kid: can't...ow...
Trainer: Had enough?
Kid: fair...your squea...MERCY, MERCY, MERCY...

Kid was squealing like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. After the trainer let go the kid started shaking his hands and whining about how the trainer cut the blood from his fingers.

I being the mature adult I am laughed so damn hard everyone in the gym stared. The trainer gave me a look that showed he was envious as he was biting his lip trying not to bust into hysterics. The kid then glared at me. He didn't seem happy about being the subject of ridicule.

I finally had to move to the free weight room, cause every time I caught a glimpse of the kid I started giggling.

"I'm getting grumpier all the time." - Ned Beatty

Mar 29, 2007

Republicans getting jiggy with it.

When he's not hiding Congressional page fucking pedophiles, wiping his ass with toilet paper that reads the first and fourth amendments, or outing mildly hot CIA operatives, Karl Rove likes to boogie down. Yes Bush's brain was caught wording em up while comedians Colin Mochrine and some other guy of 'Who's Line is it Anyways' fame freestyle rap. Bonus: While on stage he was asked many questions and he never pleaded the 5th!

I'm not sure whether I find this hilarious or disturbing. Actually Republicans showing any sense of humor is odd to me. Maybe I've been reading to much of the 'liberal' media, but I thought all they did was cheat on their wives, pledge allegiance to the Confederate flag, and drink the blood of children in their personal life. It's amazing to think that polticians on either side of the aisle are actually human beings.

“Cindy Sheehan is a clown. There is no real antiwar movement. No serious politician, with anything to do with anything, would show his face at an antiwar rally.” - Karl Rove

Mar 28, 2007

A good name indeed.

Last night I had a beer with Andrew and his wife at the local Red Robin. Andrew explained to me his latest key to fulfilling his mid-life crisis which is his new motorcycle. He went on to describe the merits of the bike, including cost, and why I should purchase one myself. Like most men we all want (need) our toys.

Jessica, his wife, went on about how his former car, a Honda Prelude, was dubbed 'the other woman' by her. I guess Andrew bought many gadgets and spent a lot of time with that rig, but Jessica joked about how she got rid of that bitch. Andrew asked what they were going to name his new motorcycle. After much thought he decided it should be Scarlett, because it best describes the bike's color.

He gave me a nod and I concluded that was indeed a good name. We toasted Scarlett, Andrew's new motorcycle, and drank to the health of the vehicle.

"I began drinking alcohol at the age of thirteen and gave it up in my fifty sixth year; it was like going straight from puberty to a mid-life crisis." - George Montgomery

Mar 27, 2007

And this whole time I thought it was an accurate resource.

I was attending a party years ago and we migrated to a strip club. After sitting for a while a lady skilled in the fine art of dance decided to use my lap as her own personal break room. She sat and asked if she could rest there for a while and engaged in conversation. She asked me what my sign was and I replied I am an Aries.

The 'artist' then made all sorts of observations about my personality based upon the Zodiac calendar. I asked her why she believed that celestial bodies millions of miles away had any effect on my personality or a couple's compatibility she answered that women often use astrology to try and make some sort of sense of men. The masculine sex was too confusing to her and her friends so astrological signs were a great resource to her.

She then declared me the sexiest guy in the club, to which the rest of the employees agreed, and I got lap dances for free the whole evening. Actually all the girls paid me. Yeah. That's it. They then fed me peanut butter cup ice cream and got into a huge fight over which one would get to sit in my lap next.

Okay so I took some creative liberties with the last part.

Scientists have now discovered what any reasonably intelligent person already knows and that giant balls of gas that exist in the stratosphere have no bearing on human relationships. I'm really curious as to why someone thought this research was necessary as it likely will not have any effect on the astrological community's sales. I mean what's next? Research shows drinking can lead to being drunk, the world is indeed round, and that Salma Hayek should marry me? These things should be obvious.

“Superstition is to religion what astrology is to astronomy: the mad daughter of a wise mother” - Voltaire

Love isn't in the stars say scientists

Mar 26, 2007

Those are the written laws.

Yesterday I turned 32 years of age. My second year of my 30s. My birthday weekend was pretty mellow this year, but it was a good one indeed.

Friday I got drunk with Corey at a casino where he has a crush on the bartender. The bartender has a boyfriend, but keeps inviting Corey over to her place of work to chat. While they mildly flirted I drank a bunch of Corey drinks, i.e. fruity, and engaged in political chats about the state of our constitution and the reality of our amendments vs popular opinion of each. Corey and I talked about many other things as my stomach tried to digest the the chinese buffet I ate earlier that day with Ryon.

I came home that night and the chinese food decided not to wait and fully digest. Yes out of my mouth did come pineapple shrimp, rice, and fried won-tons. Yes it did taste better going down.

Saturday I slept the day away for the most part. I got up and The Pretty Girl took me out to a steak dinner. After the nice dinner we went to see Camelot with Michael York at the 5th Ave Theatre. Yes I asked to see a stage musical for my birthday. Laugh all you want, but this musical loving guy here can kick your ass.

Sunday I had lunch with the folks and BBQ dinner with Corey and The Jiggaman. Later I watched the last episode of Rome and sank into slumber a year older. What will this year entail for my 32 year old body will yet to be seen. I hope it's as good as last year.

"I formed a new group called Alcoholics-Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you." - Richard Harris

Mar 23, 2007

He took the midnight train going anywhere.

My friend Corey is a huge pop music buff. You'll never find him listening to any other genre whether it be jazz, blues, classical, and/or opera, but he does own albums by such bands as Chicago, Van Halen, Matchbox 20, etc. Yes his tastes don't vary much, but he displays much passion for power ballads.

Corey and I used to rent a condo together. His car got broken into and the thieves stole his CDs, all but one actually. That album being Journey's Greatest Hits. Yes the criminals were selective in their thievery.

Go ahead and laugh. The cop filling out the report found it amusing. After Corey informed her that they left the CD she giggled and said 'yeah kids'.

"There's always a price for what you want." - Steve Perry

Mar 22, 2007

Gandhi does not approve.

People are very passionate about their television shows and I am no different. I feel the sense of loss everytime I think of the last episode of MASH and the Wonder Years. I'm still ranting about the end of show's like Rome and am eagerly awaiting the release of Season 5 of The Shield on DVD. Yes I do like some television shows, but none have brought me to risk my health for them.

Why would someone put their well being in jeopardy you ask? Well one American Idol fan has the answer.

Meet J. J states she is a big fan of the cruel version of Star Search and was very excitied about this current season. She is dismayed by a particular contestant that is still involved in the contest and thus feels it's necessary to take action to help boot him off. J feels it's her duty to go on a hunger strike until the contestant, Sanjaya, is voted off.

Yes J is depriving herself of food, because of what she feels is the lack of talent displayed by him. Her MySpace page, entitled Starvation for Sanjaya, chronicles her hunger strike and her feelings about the contestant's lack of musical gifts. She states on her page: "We have no problems with Sanjaya personally, he seems like a very personable and charming young man. However, he does NOT belong on American Idol. The judges faltered with their decision to place him in the 24, and American Idol voters have done even worse by keeping him on.....if you would like to see this hunger strike end, the only way to let this happen is to vote for anyone OTHER than Sanjaya after American Idol on Tuesday's!"

Now I'm no doctor, but I was told not eating is not exactly a healthy activity to engage in. People who have been reading this blog will expect me to go on a rant about how there are more important issues to be an activist about such as peace, economic instability, world hunger, etc, but I'll let dear J speak for herself. Of course my comments will be in red.

"Many people have also brought to our attention that there are many causes more important in the world to be concerned about other than American Idol. Yes, we know this. It's not that we don't care about or don't support these other causes (I in fact, am a big supporter of Bono's RED campaign)" (So you won't starve yourself for the betterment of the world, but rather for a reality television show who's main formula for success is cruelty which has been admitted by the show's founder?) "We have also heard opinions like "It's just a reality show! Who CARES?!?!" well, different people care about different things." (Yes a lot of people dedicate their lives to well being of our world's citizens. You care about horseshit) I also wouldn't say it's "just a show," (It's amazing how you feel a piece of entertainment who's main goal is to bring in advertising revenue is 'only a show'.) American Idol draws in the highest shares of ratings every week for FOX (Given the standard of Fox programming is this really saying a lot?) and also rakes an amount of advertising revenue which is up there with the Super Bowl (Which is just a game. I still fail to see how this cruel, ugly contest is anything more than a television show.)

This is what it's come to people. Starvation for the sake of television. Since the show's main draw is how nasty someone can be to a human being I'm surprised this girl thinks this will work. It'll probably make more fans of this Sanjaya character and in turn bring in more votes from people hoping to see how long her hunger strike will actually last. That is if she is indeed on a real hunger strike.

It also says on J's MySpace page that she doesn't want kids. You have no idea how happy this makes me.

"Women say hello and then put their hands down my trousers. I thought it was my hand they were supposed to shake." - Simon Cowell

Mar 21, 2007

It's not a world of men.

An off duty Chicago police officer was out drinking one evening at a local bar. Believing that he was too sober the man ordered another beverage. The bartendar cut him off observing that he was good and sloshed. This can be despariging to most people who feel they absolutley need another drink and usually leads them to go to another bar. This cop felt other actions were required in order to get his drunk on.

He started beating the female bartender. Yes on camera he threw the woman down and started punching and kicking her. Luckily the server seemed relativley unharmed as she got up quickly as he started smashing things around the place.

Now it's bad enough that a man with his position gets hammered and beats women, but what truly amazes me after watching the video is seeing the rest of the guys in the bar stand around and watch the whole affair and not intervene. I guess they thought their glares would somehow keep the man from hurting her.

I do wish the cop a long stay in pound-in-the-ass prison. Not only did he try to beat a female, but he also gave his brave co-workers a bad rap. Of course the police have one of the most difficult jobs on the planet, but this guy didn't make life any easier for his brothers.

I wish the bystanders who stood along and did nothing get a similar punishment, but sadly that's not up to me. It's amazing that no one consults me on things like this.

Chivalry is truly dead.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Caught on Tape: Chicago Police Officer Attacks Female Bartender

Mar 20, 2007

It's all your fault.

Why is it that shows like Rome end much sooner then they should when one trick ponies like American Idol, The Real World, and the latest modeling show keep getting renewed?

It's all your fault. You can't get enough of mildly talented kids singing 'reunited and it feels so good...reunited and cause we understood....' or some various rendition of a Bonnie Raitt song. Not enough models or drunken 20 somethings can keep you away from the boob tube. You're so fascinated with Keifer yelling "there's not enough time" that you'll develop a man crush on him. Sadly you believe Dr Phil is really there to help people with their faults. Don't get me started on Oprah.

Firefly came and went. Rome's last episode will be soon upon us. Deal or No Deal will be around for a generation and people still find Larry the Cable Guy funny. Sigh.

I will miss the glory that was the HBO series. Few shows have captured my interest as much as this historical drama. To bad I'm alone in my passion for shows like this and The Shield.

"So, the bottom line on Rome is that it, like most good art, will be best appreciated by viewers who are willing to meet it halfway. This is not a show to fall asleep to. But, if you thrive on textured writing, if you know your history (or want to learn), or if you still ponder wistfully the 1976 BBC production of I, Claudius, this show is for you. Even for lovers of reality TV, Rome is probably still worth checking out. The sheer $100 million spectacle of it all will keep most any viewer interested for a little while—not to mention the full-frontal nudity and graphic violence. And if you get hooked in by that stuff, maybe you'll actually care when Caesar gets et tu Brute'd. Come for the nekkid people, stay for the history—the motto of any good Classics buff." - Eric Neigher

Mar 19, 2007

Everyone's Irish today, cept for those Italians.

I never understood St Patrick's Day. Sure I love an excuse to drink, but why this day? Here we are celebrating St Patrick, who effectively brought Catholicism to Ireland and did some miracles in the process, with drunkenness. I'm sure he'd be proud.

St Patrick's Day was a good day indeed as Pablo, Tiffany, the Pretty Girl, and myself went tubing up at the Summit. We all had a good time playing in the snow and showing Pablo's girlfriend, who's from Florida, around the Northwest.

Later that evening Toby and I joined Andrew and Jessica at a local Irish pub. Conversations ranged from Irish heritage, stupid human tricks, musicals, Andrew questioning my sexuality, and various other topics. Being adopted I have no idea if I have any Irish in my blood, but that night I drank like one. I didn't feel like bombing an English coffee shop so I'd make a poor Irishman, but I can't recall much of what I did that evening.

I met many strangers that evening who told me about their lives. A friendly bunch they were as I sat and listened to their tales and helped a guy not puke. Ahh the glories of heavy drinking.

Many years ago on this glorious holiday I sat upon a stage and sang 'Whiskey in the Jar'. As I consumed my body weight in Irish whiskey and car bombs I don't remember exactly the events that led me to entertain the bar with my rendition of this classic Irish ballad, but the audience did seem to enjoy it.

"Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to." - Shane Leslie

Mar 16, 2007

But wait, I do have something.

I'm a pretty open minded guy. No seriously. My social politics are very libertarian at heart and hardly anything really phases me. Consenting adults involving themselves in various acts doesn't bother me, even ones that seem taboo. As long as their actions don't infringe on others I say go ahead and marry who you want, become a rising star in reality TV, or even buy a product that Rachel Ray endorses.

I may look down upon the various antics and situations people put themselves in, but I will not condone making said acts illegal. One news story that came across to me (thanks Andrea) has me so disturbed I feel like getting violent.

Meet Sunny Lane. Sunny is a porn star. She does what porn stars do. This is not strange in and of itself as I'm sure most of you savy Internet users are full aware the skill sets required for a female 'actor' in the adult film industry.

Even people with very sensitive constitutions aren't shocked to hear that a girl has decided that getting naked and being penetrated on film is a good idea. I feel it's a bad decision myself, but am kind of a hypocrite as I do enjoy the naked ladies. I'm not so much a fan of porn, but I do enjoy the Playboy spread from time to time.

Okay all the time.

Most people in show business need managers they can trust that will handle their operations competently and professionally. Sunny is no different so she engaged the assistance of the people she has the most faith in, her parents.

Yes her folks handle all of her business arrangements from hyping her to the adult news community to judging the quality of her films. Yes her Mom and Dad watch the films for 'quality control' purposes, but state they fast forward through the sex scenes. They follow her to adult movie conventions endorsing her assets to fans and what not.

For the love of everything that is good in this world this is wrong. So very wrong. I watched an ABC news piece on this threesome (zing!) and I'm almost at a loss of what to say. Her Dad claims that 'dreams do come true' which I guess if your aspirations is to take nine inches of manhood on film, well to Sunny I say mission accomplished.

Her parents may be at a loss of what to do when they heard the news of Sunny's chosen career so they just decided to manager her to try and protect her from all the predatory types in the business, which I imagine are many. They can also keep a better eye on her and help steer her away from meth, AIDS, mob ties, etc. Still watching her Mom and Dad get all excited about seeing their daughter on Playboy TV makes me want to scrub myself with a SOS pad.

"They'll pay $50 to $100 for panties," - Shelby, Sunny's mom.

Sunny's Myspace
ABC News

Blog block.

I have nothing to say today.

Mar 15, 2007

I'm a winner!

A few days ago Rawbean, author of Rawbean's Rants, posted a contest where readers submit a story that "made you laugh so hard you almost peed your pants." Winner would get a prize that's currently unknown.

As you may have imagined I submitted the porn truck incident and after what I'm sure was hours of careful deliberation on the part of our pretty Canadian blogger she announced that I'm the winner. She did seem kind of bummed that I took the prize stating "Well goddammit it's wiwille......HOWEVER, I do have two honorable mentions." UPDATE: Apparently the good Rawbean was not in fact bummed I got the prize. She changed her post to reflect her excitement at my win denoting sarcasm. I feel so much better now knowing that I'm a real winner in her eyes.

The yet to be revealed prize will be mailed to me. What could it be? Will it be a slice of cheap pizza? An artifact from her place? Alcohol? Circus animal cookies? The tension mounts as I await my prize that was so greatly earned on a cold night with too much time on my hands.

Actually I'm hoping it's an album of one of the mildly obscure bands she listens to. Or porn. I'm not picky.

"I forgot he had that amazing frozen-porn-on-the-truck story when I put this one out there." - Rawbean

Mar 14, 2007

Another reason to see it.

Recently Frank Miller's 300, a comic book loosely based on the Battle of Thermopylae, has been adapted for the screen and became an overwhelming success at the box office pulling in over 70 million in it's first weekend. While critics are somewhat divided over the art of this film one critic goes a step further in his analysis. Believing that Hollywood is more of a propaganda machine than profiteer Iran's culture advisor to Ahmadinejad stated that "American cultural officials thought they could get mental satisfaction by plundering Iran's historic past and insulting this civilization."

Of course the film has been banned in that nation as being a tool of "American cultural officials." Note that he never states who these 'cultural officials' are nor does he confirm that he, nor anyone who complained to the foreign ministry, have ever laid eyes on the film.

I haven't seen the film yet. As a fan of historical fiction I will see this at some point, but what I truly find amusing about Iran's stance on this film is that the movie's trailer never uses the name 'Iran' as they refer to the region's empire as the Persians. If these cultural officials, whoever they may be, were any good at their jobs they would understand that most Americans have never heard of the Persian empire much less understand that it occupied the borders of the current fundamentalist state.

Iran may secretly be pissed off by the idea of a half naked small army fighting off their ancestors, who were far superior in number. Or maybe, just maybe, Iran's fundamentalism has blinded their government to common sense.

Oh and they still deny the holocaust and won't recognize Israel, but for some reason we should'nt be worried about their nuclear ambitions. Yeah I'll sleep tight.

"The skirmishes in the occupied land are part of a war of destiny. The outcome of hundreds of years of war will be defined in Palestinian land. As the Imam said, Israel must be wiped off the map." - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Iran condemns Hollywood war epic

Mar 13, 2007

Bad movies I love part 18.

I remember a simpler time in my youth where adults spoke truth at all times. I never questioned the validity of our media and therefore believed a lot of what I was being told. As a child many of my friends were engrossed with Transformers, Johnny Quest, and Robotech. I; however, was affixed on one cartoon only. That cartoon being G.I. Joe.

G.I. Joe chronicled the story of an elite military group who fought terrorists named Cobra who were hellbent on taking over the planet for reasons unbeknownst to the viewer. They had colorful characters such as Shipwreck, who lead the Navy, and Roadblock, who was a big black guy that specialized in heavy weapons.

At the end of each cartoon they had a public service announcement for children advising them not to pet stray dogs or to never go somewhere with a stranger who offers candy. At the end of the announcements the kids, having learned a valuable lesson, would always cry "and now we know." The G.I. Joe character, who just instructed the child in the ways of safe and moral conduct, would then reply "And knowing is half the battle."

G.I. Joe's tag line was that it and it's members were "real American heroes." Although I didn't buy that the Joe team actually fought that way I did believe that there was some task force that did battle with terrorists on a daily basis. Since I watched the evening news a lot with the folks and saw images of bombings in Jerusalem and Northern Ireland on a daily basis the whole concept of an evil army led by a coward with a speech impediment didn't seem all that ridiculous to my six year old mind.

Alas my folks instructed me that G.I. Joe was not a real American hero as I was led to believe. Sadly my dream of growing up to be a ninja who fights Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world, would not come to pass. Now instead of single handily engaging in combat with evil folks who try to cause world destruction with bizarre weather machines I sit here in a cube and blog. Sigh.

After the show aired for a few years the producers released G.I. Joe the Movie with the voice acting talents of Don Johnson, Burgess Meredith, and Sgt Slaughter of WWF fame. Yes I still love this movie with all of it's flaws.

I do admit that when Bush made his State of the Union speech shortly after 9/11 I was hoping he would announce the new appointments as White House counsel being Snake Eyes and Cover Girl.

"The saddest part about G.I. Joe: The Movie is that it is probably the best G.I. Joe project. The animation of the movie is very inconsistent, at best good, at worst little better than the TV series. The story tries to be a little more serious than usual, but the plot is so unfocused we don't really care." - Stomp Tokyo

Mar 12, 2007

How to pick up girls.

They say picking up a girl is an art, something many guys lack talent in. The good folks at MSNBC have interviewed various bartenders and asked them what they felt was the best way to approach a girl in various hotspots. The advice they give seems to be sound as they preach the virtues of having a signature drink, giving undivided attention, and picking out girls by their choice of alcohol. I always thought my idea of grabbing girls and licking their necks would work, but sadly I found that was better in theory than in practice.

My only advice to men is to be hot and rich. Really rich. Blind stinkin rich. Actually if you're not hot than being wealthy would suffice. If you're not making six figures pretend like you do. They're going to fake their orgasm later anyways.

Honestly my only advice to trying to talk to a girl is to simply go up and do it. You'll fail at times, have success in others, but simply approaching them is half the battle. Don't be some guy you're not. Just do what feels right and let the chips fall where they may. Easy for me to say since I have a girlfriend, but if it worked for someone who unfortunatley looks like I do then it might work for you.

The best tool to have while trying to pick up a girl is best illustrated in the commercial below, one of my favorite ads of all time.

"I don't know the first real thing about the dating game. I don't know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general." - Jason Schwartzman

Bartenders’ best pickup advice

Mar 9, 2007

Well I found it funny.

Few things are more hilarious to me than suburban kids flashing gang signs. Bonus: One of these girls looks a lot like the Pretty Girl.


Mar 8, 2007

Just in case.

Recently a highly superstitious Serbian man decided to put an end to Slobodan Milosevic's life once and for all. Rational thinkers may believe that since Milosevic has been dead for almost a year he's hardly capable of masterminding another civil war laced with ethnic cleansing. No not this lonely Serbian man, who ironically is named Milosevic (no relation), he had to take the death of a tyrant a step further.

This man with the unfortunate name visited the grave of the disgraced Socialist president and drove a three foot wooden pole aiming for the heart. According to him and his group of vampire hunters they wanted in insure that the long dead leader's evil spirit will not arise from the grave.

Not quite up to par with the work of Ford or Oswald, still when reading the article I had this funny image of people in too much goth makeup sitting around a table bragging about how they just chiseled their teeth to look like fangs. An argument would erupt about the continuity of Anne Rice novels and how Buffy was a much better televsion show than movie. One person would make the valid point that Rice is a terrible writer so the argument is moot and both versions of Buffy sucked. Said person would be snarled at and beaten with various items that were recently purchased from the local Hot Topic. As punishment for making the mistake of critiquing their patron saints the man would have to prove himself worthy of staying in their little club. Assassinating an already dead politician seemed like the logical choice.

I love how stereotyping nerds is still politically correct.

"Being a teen idol is what I've waited for my whole life." - Sarah Michelle Gellar

Vampire hunting

Mar 7, 2007


In past posts I've written about the publics perception of reality and how film affects it. Historians have long criticized Hollywood for taking creative liberties when dramatizing 'true' events. Even though directors like Oliver Stone and Michael Moore do admit that their job requires them to place the art of a movie ahead of it's historical accuracy people are often easily swayed into believing what they see on the silver screen is a truthful representation of real life events.

As I've written about before I once worked at a theatre while Forrest Gump and Crimson Tide was playing. Many customers asked if they were true stories which I often found ridiculous especially when you consider Crimson Tide is about our nation going to Def Con 3. Mattbear once told me a story of his friend taking a date to see Jurassic Park. The date asked his buddy if the movie was made with real dinosaurs. I wonder if they went out again.

I watched Borat last night with the Pretty Girl and her roommate Smita. You can see where this is going.

While I seemed to be the only one enjoying the Kaufman-esque comedy I found one of the funniest parts of the film was not the antics of it's star, but by the reaction of Smita to one of the bits.

*Spoiler warning. Do not continue to read if you haven't seen the film and/or do not want to know the ending.*

In the last scene our hero tired to kidnap Pamela Anderson with his marriage sack. This bit seemed to confuse Smita. As Pamela was running out of the book store into the parking lot away from the foreign correspondent Smita decided to comment.

Smita: I can't believe she doesn't have security.
Me: Well I believe this bit is staged.
Smita: Really?
Me: .......(Shooting her a stare to try and figure out if she was serious. Sadly she was.)
Smita: Serious?
Me: Yes Smita. If he even tried to go around the table her security would beat him down.
Smita: Ooooohhhh.

That is powerful cinema.

"American wine is like Kazahkstani wine, but not made from fermented horse urine." - Sacha Baron Cohen

Mar 6, 2007


After racking my brain trying to figure out what I'm going to blog about today I came to the conclusion that I really have nothing to say. Seriously I can't come up with a topic that I feel passionate about, well at least to document here. Yes I know Britney is nuts and Hillary faked an accent, still I could care less about either story.

I think I need to lead a more exciting life, one filled with action, adventure, and Playmates feeding me grapes. True inspiration would arise and this blog would be filled with stories that would entertain myself for years to come. Alas...

I've written quite a bit considering I just announced I have nothing to write about. I'm not that smart.

Anyways since today is going to be my slack day I bring you a trailer of a film that'll probably end up on my "Bad Movies I Love" list. Yes it looks terrible, but I'll still watch it. I shouldn't have to explain why.

Oh and I bought my first lotto ticket. Prize is $355 million. Wish me luck.

"Inspiration is a farce that poets have invented to give themselves importance." - Jean Anouilh

Mar 5, 2007

Overrated films part 21.

It's hard for me not to root for an Indie film. When I see something that doesn't have a roman numeral in the title or the film doesn't have to contain a massive amount of CGI to effectively tell the story I smile inside knowing that drama at it's heart is not dead..yet. When a small movie with a quirky, non-conventional plot comes along with good acting and dialogue I feel giddy inside knowing that maybe, just maybe audiences will have more alternatives to your standard popcorn fare starring Will Smith and/or a bunch of aliens.

Little Miss Sunshine is still riding the wave of success, yet after finally seeing it I'm convinced that the powers that be at the studio spent more money on marketing this film then actually making it. It was a good movie mind you. The film had good acting, decent dialogue, and genuinely funny moments if you didn't see them coming a mile away. That being said it wasn't that funny and really the best character in the film made an exit way to early. Some of the downer points in the film felt unnecessary and gave it a disjointed feeling.

I'm sure I'm in the minority when I give the film any sort of criticism as everyone seems really kind to it. Maybe I've seen too many quirky Indie comedies for my own good. Sometimes I sit through them and feel they're all to predictable. It's something I'd recommend; however, it in no way lives up to it's massive hype.

"Sunny or dark, comedy should never be as predictable as Little Miss Sunshine." - Roger Moore

Mar 2, 2007

Wiwille bridges religious divides.

When I first started with this company years ago I was a contractor. My role was to take inbound calls from customers that were having problems with their software. As you can imagine the people I dealt with on a daily basis sometimes made the job difficult.

As my goal was to be hired full time I normally exercised a great amount of restraint when dealing with the general public. There were those few customers though that I couldn't help but be a smarty pants. Take this one for example:

Me: Okay I have all your information ready. If you have no questions for me I'll get you in touch with a technician who can assist you with this.
Customer: One question sir.
Me: Yes?
Customer: Are you familiar with Louis Farrakahn?
Me: ...uhh...somewhat. (I've actually read a biography about him as well as listened to a few of his lectures. Nothing all that extensive).
Customer: Brother Farrakahn is the greatest man in America today. Do you know why?
Me: No.
Customer: Brother Farrakahn is exposing the white mans' misdeeds and uniting the African American community.....

He rambled on forever about how the Nation of Islam is a noble religion with the best interests of the black community at heart. He went on to talk about whiteys' immorality and how they are keeping the brother down by selling them crack and rap music.

Normally I would have interrupted a customer who goes on and on about something unrelated to their computer, especially when praising an anti-Semite, but religion fascinates me and I was curious. Finally the customer started wrapping up his sermon.

Customer: ...and I tell you sir that you should see Farrakahn in person as he is the only one bringing the African Americans to their proper morality.
Me: I see.
Customer: I ask you do you have faith?
Me: Faith?
Customer: Yes sir. Do you believe in a higher power?
Me: Yes I do.
Customer: Which faith do you subscribe to sir?
Me: I'm an Hasidic Jew.

I quickly transferred him.

Yeah I'm going to hell.

"Many of the Jews who owned the homes, the apartments in the black community, we considered them bloodsuckers because they took from our community and built their community but didn't offer anything back to our community." - Louis Farrakhan

Mar 1, 2007

Ask Wiwille: No longer sharing the same dream.

I was asked this offline by my co-worker Jeff after he read the Ask Wiwille post so I thought I'd give my answer online. Jeff posed the question of why no one posts on Billy Ocean: Student Council Treasurer anymore.

BOSCT was the brainchild of my friend and former co-worker Willtuck who started the blog for reasons unbeknownst to me. He then recruited other writers, such as Nhak, Zooloo, the sexy Mattbear, and finally I was asked to contribute. The blog started off well with the diversity of voices posting and commenting and it actually became fun. Although I'm not impressed with Wordpress' software, I enjoyed seeing five buddies write about various topics such as alternative energy, conspiracy theories, bad music, and movies. As one who knows us would expect there were the occasional Youtube videos which usually had someone getting hurt performing some stupid stunt.

There was talk of trying to make the blog a success, which I thought was a good idea considering the sharp minds who were behind the project, but alas no battle plans were drawn. Posts were starting to get less frequent as time went on and after a few months of it's existence only two people were contributing to the site, myself and Mattbear. I finally gave up on it considering I already have Erik's Ramblings to think about and I didn't need another site to lay bare my obsession with all things Scarlett.

I ran into Zooloo the other day and he stated he hasn't been to the site in forever stating he hasn't had the time. I informed him that no one has and he gave a chuckle. I haven't spoken with Nhak or Willtuck in a while. I believe Nhak has taken up a new line of work for Larry Flynnt industries designing energy efficient marital aids. Willtuck is developing a new sitcom for Fox which will star a midget, err short person, living a simple of life working in a dairy farm with dreams of becoming the world's greatest paintball player. Actually I have no idea what those two are up to nor why they no longer feel the need to blog.

Mattbear and I just got sick of being the only two people contributing to the site especially when both of us have our blogs to post on. Mattbear did seem to write more on Billy Ocean than The Inexusable though.

I think BOSCT was just a great example of how everyone feels they have something to say, but when pressed to actually communicate it they find their thoughts aren't really worth inscribing into the public record. I do miss the blog though cause it was a fun read.

"Suddenly life has new meaning to me,There's beauty up above and things we never take notice of, You wake up suddenly you're in love." - Billy Ocean