Jul 29, 2006

Where does the time go?

A year ago today the Pretty Girl and I had our first date. I can't believe it's been a year already. I'm excited to experience another year with her though; one I hope that'll be just as good if not better.

Why do we choose to believe this?

A friend of mine was having some medical issues and we discussed possible ailments for his pains. He suggested that I read a certain homeopathic book (the name eludes me) which he purchased on a recommendation from his family.

I asked about the book and he said it's written by a doctor who's remedies are being stifled by the medical community. Interesting. Here's a lady who's produced cures to ailments that are being suppressed. It's a conspiracy and the health of our citizens are paying the price.

I picked up the book in a Barnes & Noble and started browsing. Immediately I was taken aback at the amount of bullshit this woman claimed. She suggested all sorts of vitamin intake, herbal remedies, and meditation to cure almost any ill one may be inflicted with. Of course the introduction of the book was how the man was keeping her wisdom under wraps. I decided not to buy the book as I didn't want to contribute to this 'doctor's' income.

First off if the pharmaceutical companies really wanted to hush this woman up I'm sure they could do a better job of accomplishing that. Lobbying the publisher to not release such crap would be my first step. Also if a doctor had a real claim to something that actually cures ailments wouldn't Pfizer be all over it? When that company announces a drug that actually works their stock soars. Why wouldn't they want to make money of off this? What's keeping them from purchasing the patent? Is Lucifer chairman of the FDA?

The book gives the reader the overwhelming sense that we are masters of our own health destiny, although I didn't see anything that discussed proper diet and exercise. Maybe I missed that passage.

My friend, who's a good chap, really wanted to believe that these quick fixes can and will solve his medical problems and I can't really fault him for that. No one wants to go to the doctor to hear they have to suddenly change their lifestyle to enjoy a better existence, especially if the life they lead is an enjoyable one. I mean who wants to eat salad instead of Cheetos on a daily basis, go to the gym three times a week, try to quit smoking, and shell out a ton of dough for prescription drugs?

Conspiracy theories thrive because they can sometimes be easier to accept. Take the conspiracies about 9/11. Many people believe that the World Trade Center had explosions already in place, because they feel the might of the airplanes alone could not collapse the buildings. Some even go so far as to insinuate that our own government was involved.

Now the first question springs to mind as to why they took so long to detonate the buildings after the crash? You would think if the terrorists wanted a great loss of life then they would give the towers' inhabitants no time to escape. Why crash the airplanes at all?

If the government was indeed behind this then why didn't they have Iraqis board the planes instead of Saudis? If nothing it would make the current Iraq war a much easier sell which is what Bush wanted all along. They could've claimed the Iraqis were part of Saddam's intelligence and was partially funded by Bin-Laden.

I guess for a lot of people it's easier to believe that an organized government conspiracy could create such a biblical catastrophe than a rich Muslim terrorist. I guess they might even feel safer knowing that our government, a foreseeable threat, is something we can fight on our homeland rather than feel helpless as our troops continue their search for Al-Queda.

Now believing in conspiracies such as Pearl Harbor being anything less than a surprise attack and we've never actually did put a man on the moon is harmless really when you equate it to your health. The problem with myself, as well as my buddy, is we're not well educated in matters of biology so we could be easily fooled.

History and politics, two of my better subjects, is something many revisionists have a difficult time getting me to buy their simple propaganda. I understand why people often have a stubborn look at their version of history. Mostly it's because they want it to align with their simple morality.

Take the current crisis in the Middle East. Israeli sympathizers will constantly place blame upon the Arab bogeymen stating they are the ones who starts all the violence and the nation simply retaliates to it. Palestinian sympathizers will demand you look at the whole context of the history of the region demanding that the Crusades was indeed a black and white issue and that no one really agreed to the British accord that essentially started the idea of Israel.

When it comes to issues of health though anyone who fools you into thinking that something may heal you when they have no scientific evidence of it deserves nothing less than to be exposed as the frauds they are. Sad thing is some known frauds still exist and prosper.

Peter Popoff is still doing his faith healings.

"There are no greater liars in the world than quacks——except for their patients." - Ben Franklin

Jul 28, 2006

Head On: Another scam for the gullible.

In a follow up to my previous post about how annoying the Head On commercials are I've done some research into the product itself. The good folks at the James Randi Educational Foundation have exposed the headache medicine as the homeopathic crap it is. Please do not buy this product which will only make these scam artists millions.

"Heroin also makes people feel better, but I wouldn't recommend using heroin." - James Randi

Head On into quackery

A sad day for Seattle.

After being a victim to a string of murders the likes this area hasn't seen in years Seattle has today experienced another senseless killing. Some waste of sperm was fed up with Israeli actions in Lebanon and decided to take action. Instead of flying over and fighting with Hezbollah the Arab-American, claiming to be a member of the Religion of Peace, took arms and shot up the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle killing one and wounding six.

The actions in the Middle East doesn't just affect the people of the region. We unfortunately have seen our first American casualty since Hezbollah captured those Israeli soldiers. My thoughts and prayers are with the victims of this senseless tragedy.

When a minority attacks a group of minorities is it still considered a hate crime?

"Even as we pour hundreds of billions of dollars into our efforts in the Middle East, there is much that needs to be done to win the war of ideas in the Muslim world and beyond." - Herb Kohl

1 dead after shots fired at Seattle Jewish center

...now we're sharing the same dream...

Will, Nick, Matt, and Zahn have collaborated on the blog Billy Ocean, Student Council Treasurer. Will asked me if I would like to contribute to the piece as well. After much negotiation, including Will's unwillingness to give in to my demands for one bi-curious 22 year old Victoria Secret model per post, I decided I'd give it a shot.

Fear not dear readers for I'm not about to abandon Erik's Ramblings as most of my thoughts will still be presented here, but I will be posting short rantings on the group blog from time to time. I'd post more if only Will would agree to give me a costume from the original Buck Rogers series....oh and cake. I like cake.

"Suddenly life has new meaning to me, There's beauty up above and things we never take notice of, You wake up suddenly you're in love." - Billy Ocean

Billy Ocean, Student Council Treasurer

Jul 27, 2006

Okay this is kind of creepy.

Scarlett Johansson was recently in a strip club and she claims she didn't enjoy the experience. A lap dance was purchased for her and she felt the stripper was a little rough and bruised the hell out of her.

Well that's not entierly strange really. Many Hollywood starlets can be seen at strip clubs. It seems to be almost en vouge for a girl to enjoy a good lap dance, but Scarlett states she was there with her brother. Call me a prude, but I would never invite a family memeber to a strip club. Not that I've ever been to one.

I couldn't go with her that night, cause I was busy curing cancer and meeting with heads of state to solve global warming. Next time she calls me though I'll make sure to pencil her in.

"I definitely believe in plastic surgery. I don't want to be an old hag. There's no fun in that." - Scarlett Johansson

Stripper Gave Scarlett Johansson a Bone Bruise

Hello nurse!

The Animaniacs will finally be released on DVD. This is so cool. I mean now we can watch the adventure of mice that want to take over the world, mobster pigeons, and a grumpy old squirrel that whacks the hell out of people with her purse whenever we want.

And there is of course the songs. From the capitols song to the nations of the world. Enjoy my cartoon loving friends.

Wear a swimsuit, go to jail.

The ever so progressive Islamic Defenders Front has filed a complaint with Indonesian authorities over the fact that Miss Indonesia posed in a swimsuit for the Miss Universe pageant. Under Indonesian law the police will have to investigate the complaint which could land the beauty queen in prison for up to six years.

Former president Suharto decreed a ban on all beauty pageants; however that's been largely ignored until now. Islamic Defenders Front lawyer called her participation in the Miss Universe contest "insulting for Indonesian dignity and women."

I always thought true respect for women would be for them to have equal rights and pay and not treat them like children when it comes to their standards of dress. I guess under the rules of the Religion of Peace I should send the Pretty Girl to jail if I catch her exposing any flesh in public. If the cops won't take her I'll make my own cell and force her to watch reruns of Hee Haw. That'll show her to defy the will of Allah.

Or I could just simply respect her choices and watch her live as the good woman she is. I guess I'll be going to hell then.

"Respecting other people's cultures is well and good, but I draw the line at where some branches of Islam, what they do to women. It's indefensible." - Jello Biafra

Miss Indonesia under fire over 'insulting' swimsuit parade

Will someone please tell me exactly what this product does?

I watch a lot of news especially lately with the conflict in the Middle East sparking my interest. While I have numerous complaints about the quality and format of most network and cable news I have to say one of my biggest beefs is with the commercials.

I hate advertising in general. In today's world you cannot escape someone trying to hock their merchandise or service on you. You see them on TV, radio, internet, billboards, and even sometimes on the products you've already purchased. Companies shell out billions to sell their products and are relentless in spreading their message to you.

I do believe the person who came up with the idea to advertise is sitting in hell right next to the guy who invented the Chia Pet.

Even though I hate advertisements I'm not immune to their lure. Sometimes I see one and I think that may be a good product to buy. Suddenly I find myself an advertiser's dream hoping that one day I'll truly understand how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

There is a relatively new ad that is played constantly on cable news channels for a product called Head On. I watched the commercial in disbelief wondering what it is they were trying to tell me. The commercial loops a woman stating "Head On. Apply directly to the forehead," while a model rubs a tube across her skull. After making this statement three times the announcer makes clear that the product is sold nationwide.

That's it. That's all they tell you. At first glance I thought it was a headache medicine, but who the hell knows. It could be a beauty cream for wrinkles. It could be special deodorant for people who sweat too much from their forehead. It could be some homeopathic remedy for stupid people who still believe that Spinal Tap is a real band, that the US has 48 states, and that Guam is a food. The product packaging doesn't even tell you.

They keep informing me to that I should apply it directly to the forehead, but one would think that someone who purchased the seemingly medicinal product would already know that or at least read the instructions. I guess they're afraid of people barraging their call centers with comments like "I ate this whole tube and my hemorrhoids are still flaring. You guys suck and I'm going to sue!"

For your viewing pleasure I have the ad listed below. Warning: Viewing this may cause so much pain you'll actually consider buying their product. Maybe that's their whole strategy and if it is it's friggin brilliant.

"Advertising is legalized lying." - H. G. Wells

Jul 26, 2006

Yeah it's probably not the best idea.

I've never had a criminal mind, but some things seem obvious. We've all heard the stories and watched videos of idiot burglars. Whether they give a teller a demand for money that was penned on the back of their bank statement or if they try to rob a department store dressed up in their work security uniform no one can help but laugh at these morons.

It doesn't take a the sharpest mind to know that waltzing into a gun shop with intention to rob it is not a good idea, but it takes a whole new breed of dumbass to try and rob one armed with a machete. Yet that's what a New Zealand resident decided to do and for his effort he received a bullet in the abdomen.

Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "bringing a knife to a gunfight."

Years ago in the city I currently reside in a guy tried to do the same thing only he did use a gun at least. Problem was there was a cop car parked in front of the store with an officer actually inside. The assailant was shot 23 times by the clerk and cop and died on the scene. No one else was injured. His actions warranted the dubious honor of winning a Darwin Award.

"It would be reasonable to question why he went into the shop with a machete." - Noreen Hegarty, Police spokeswoman.

Machete-wielder shot in gun shop

I've been putting it off way too long.

The other day Matt, author of The Inexcusable, dropped off some storyboards for my long delayed film project 'Cheat'. When I first saw them I was stunned as I mostly have been putting this on the back burner.

'Cheat' is based on J. D. Salinger's 'Pretty Mouth and Green Eyes', which I first read back in high school. I've had the idea of making a short film based on it for years when I finally wrote the script months ago. A dark story to be sure, but one I really want to see on screen.

I hope to have the shooting completed within the next couple of months. The casting seems to be a lock and the locations are simple. I do hope all will go well. The editing will be a chore, but I'm confident the results will be adequate.

This being my third film I hope I did learn something from the previous two which weren't what one would call cinematic masterpieces. The trials of filmmaking are huge, but the end result has always been worth the effort.

"While working on this movie on paranoia, I started to realize that the filmmaking process is a paranoid experience-in filmmaking, every scene should relate to your main character, to your theme. Paranoid schizophrenics think the entire world relates to them." - Darren Aronofsky

Just another taste of adventure.

Corey pinged me on IM stating his desire to climb Mt Rainier. Unfortunatley I was on lunch and wasn't able to respond, but I think it's a good idea. After breaking his skydiving cherry I believe he's looking for a little more excitement in his life and I'm ready to join him.

Now I really need to step up my workouts in order to get in shape for this and so does he.

“Of all the fire mountains which like beacons, once blazed along the Pacific Coast, Mount Rainier is the noblest.” - John Muir

Rainier Mountaineering, Inc

Jul 25, 2006


Thanks to some help from Joe and a little googling I got it fixed. The font should be a reasonable size now.

My blog is friggin huge.

I have no idea why my font is so large. I'll be diligently working on it and I appreciate your patience.

You used to amuse me, but now I just hate you.

My first introduction into the world of Ann Coulter was back in high school. As part of our Contemporary World Problems class we were assigned to read Newsweek and were given a comprehension test on a weekly basis. At that time Ann wrote a column for the magazine. Since then I've always found her amusing really. Her tirades on liberals and how hard it was to find a date in DC were kind of funny given the woman seemed to have no grasp on reality so it was hard to take her seriously.

Now she hit home and I truly fucking hate her. I mean hate the woman with all of my ever masculine being. I hate her as much as I hate Stalin apologists, Hummer salesmen, and Euro trash techno.

In her latest attempt to make any conservative look like a freakin moron she said this about Hollywood's portrayal of the hero teacher in such bad films as Mr Holland's Opus, Dangerous Minds, and Stand and Deliver:

"In real life, these taxpayer-supported parasites are inculcating students in the precepts of the Socialist Party of America - as understood by retarded people."

Of course the way she states this makes it sound all encompassing, because as she seems to believe all teachers are indeed parasites. She goes on in her miserable book to state the average teacher salary is 43,000 a year compared to the rest of the work force who get 40,000. Of course she had to make the stab saying they get summers off and leave work at 3 pm.

Being the son of two retired elementary school teachers I must take issue with this. A teacher's salary should be higher than most of the workforce, because they are required now to have masters degrees and they do one of the most important jobs in our society. When you throw in the rest of the workforce you are comparing a pool of low wage undereducated jobs along with careers that require college degrees. A misleading comparison at best, and it's a wage my parents never ended up making.

My folks never got to leave work at 3pm and when they did come home their heads were buried in lesson plans, grading papers, etc. Of course they had the unthankful task of parent-teacher conferences where they had to diplomatically tell a couple that they spawned an idiot.

My parents believed in the old ways of educating which included drilling, discipline, and a firm understanding of the three 'R's. They hated the methods handed down to them of not educating a child and trying instead to make them feel good. Hardly a way to prepare someone for a life in a capitalist society, but they simply did their job. You can't blame the cop for the law you hate nor can you take such an immature view on our public school teachers.

So to this Ann I say go fuck yourself. Seriously how can you sit there and call teachers parasites while you sit there in your ivory tower of self indulgent mildly literate writings, to which you can simply work from home, and call yourself an expert on the personalities of our educators? I understand you couldn't make it being a serious analyst on world politics and you now have to resort to shocking the public to make a buck, but must you do it at the expense of people who are seriously trying to educate our children? There are bad teachers out there yes, but there are good ones too. Most of them are much smarter than you and I think you know that, but you do make a better living at the art of propaganda so I guess you believe we should look past your asinine prose and worship you as a genius.

Fuck you Miss Overrated Horseface Wench.

"We've finally given liberals a war against fundamentalism, and they don't want to fight it. They would, except it would put them on the same side as the United States." - Ann Coulter

Coulter: Somehow things get even worse

I've been tagged.

Grace, author of There's a Land That I See, has tagged me. Listed below is a list. Enjoy the listology:

5 Things always in my purse/briefcase/backpack:
1. Workout pants
2. Shoes
3. Shirt
4. Underwear
5. Socks (Yep it's all workout clothes.)

5 Things always in my wallet:
1. Driver's license
2. Debit Card
3. Canadian money that's still left over from Andrew's bachelor party.
4. My gym card.
5. My Subway card.

5 Things always in my refrigerator:
1. Lettuce.
2. Parmesean Cheese.
3. Worcestershire sauce.
4. Beer.
5. Salad dressing.

5 Things always in my closet:
1. Paintball gear.
2. Dress shirts I hardly ever wear.
3. A suit.
4. Boxes of stuff I have no room to unpack.
5. Tad's sofware.

5 Things always in my car:
1. CDs
2. Air freshner.
3. Sleeping bag.
4. Blanket.
5. A jesus medal that was given to me by my grandmother.

5 Things always on my desk: (at work)
1. Pictures of the nephews, Quoc's baby, and the Pretty Girl.
2. A David Hasselhoff paper airplane.
3. Computer
4. Tiny football.
5. A Bobba Fett bobblehead.

5 People to tag:
Eh do it if you want. No pressure. Enjoy it.

"There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me." - David Hasselhoff

Make your own Hoff paper airplane.

Jul 24, 2006

To Hizbollah with love.

I'm not an anti-war person per say. I do believe a nation has the right to defend itself from invaders, but I will speak out against military action I find immoral. That being said I do cringe when I see pictures like the one I posted that depicts Israeli children writing messages on missels that are to be used against Hizbollah.

These images are important to show the American public how a society deals with the constant bombardment of terrorism. Even after 9/11 our country still has an overwhelming sense of security compared to the likes of Israel. Hopefull we'll never have to experience what it truly means to be on either side of a conflict such as the one that rages in the Middle East.

"My theology is such that the God who loves Israel and will not forsake Israel - which is why I want to see Israel have a secure nation with secure borders - also loves the Palestinians." - Tony Campolo

Batgirl is Clueless, but I'm not complaining.

Most of us have a cause we feel strongly about and there are those who will go to great lengths to fight for it. Whether it be civil rights, religion, or environmental issues activists will often use various methods to bring attention to their seemingly richeous plight. A lot of us bear a cross, but only the truly passionate go to extreme lengths and of course they get all the press.

Alicia Silverstone, who hasn't made a hit since Clueless, is considering disrobing for PETA. The animal rights activist is thinking of jumping the bandwagon of many hot PETA members who are recently going naked to draw attention.

Now I'm all in favor for Miss Silverstone getting naked even though I have many issues with PETA. Just because Alicia is going to show her assets try not to be fooled into thinking PETA is a reputable organization. They do fund some of the most extreme voices in the animal rights movement; some that even resort to terrorist activities. Don't get me started on the moral high ground PETA tires to take. I could go on forever about them.

It's funny that Pamela Anderson stripped for PETA and yet people didn't really care. I guess everyone's tired of seeing the plastic android nude. I don't see how she can be a positive influence in the animal rights community as most of us couldn't take her seriously about anything she stands for. She could go on record supporting average white guys rights to date super models and I would be against it. Good thing my dating life is a revolving door of Playmates and Victoria Secret models so I don't really have to come out and support such an issue.

Hopefully the Pretty Girl won't find out about my conquests.

"I really respect the people who do it, I think it's wonderful. I'd maybe do it, I wouldn't rule it out but I think so many people are doing it the message is getting across anyway which is fantastic." - Alicia Silverstone

Alicia Silverstone I would Strip For PETA

Jul 21, 2006

Always, I mean always check the plumbing.

California prosecutors are hoping a bill will pass through the state legislator that would limit the use of "gay panic" defense used in trials. The gay panic defense was used by defendants who sought leniency from the court for their actions in assaulting someone because after a sexual act they found out about their real gender.

This legislation comes off the heels of the brutal murder of Gwen Araujo, a teenager whose skull was beat in and was strangled by two guys learning she/he was a guy after they had buttsex with her/him.

Now I don't condone this activity, the assault, murder, or the hiding of the penis, but my question to you dear reader(s) is what would be your first gut reaction after finding out the person you just had sex with shared the same genitalia? Would you hide in embarrassment and not tell anyone? Laugh it off? Beat them so hard they'll curse their mother for ever giving them birth? I'm not looking for comments here; I just want you to honestly think about your initial gut feeling when learning of this distressing, well distressing to most, news.

I'm no expert in the art of anal, but wouldn't you normally want to..eh..well..see what's going on down there? Do you have to be that drunk? Do transgender people use the 'my time of the month' excuse to keep a prying hand away from there?

I would never engage in casual buttsex, but I have to be honest and say I would probably react violently upon hearing the news if it was immediately after the fact. A swift punch to the eye would probably ensue. If I learned of the news later I'd probably take multiple showers and cry myself to sleep, but I just hope I'd let it go and not tell anyone. Yeah I wouldn't post the experience here.

Would striking someone in this scenario make me a bad person? Eh call me what you will, but I think the reaction would be natural. I imagine most guys react violently caused they're more pissed at themselves for being duped.

Granted most would say if I were to be stupid enough to randomly place my wee wee there I deserve what I get, but there might be some gray areas here. Granted if I did punch someone I expect and deserve to go to jail. Should a jury not look at a defendant and serve based upon the context of the crime or look at all assault as black and white and determine the verdict accordingly? If the latter how do you feel about hate crime legislation?

Again I'm not looking for comments here, but I do ask you think about this legislation and what kind of guidelines we want for our juries.

"I learned a lot more about transgender people. It's not a choice, but a physiological condition that has to do with the size of the hypothalamus part of the brain." - Mercedes Ruehl

Yep they were once guys:

Prosecutors fight 'gay panic' defenses

Bad movies I love part 11

The stereotype of men keeping friends for what seems like forever while women change buddies as often as Britney Spears switches religions is somewhat based on fact. Usually if I have a disagreement with my friends it ends over a pitcher of beer and a quick apologies on both ends. Women sometimes seem to harbor deep resentment for being hurt by their pals, but at times they'll still remain in contact with them.

That being said nothing can tear apart the strong bond between men as a woman. They can be the large chasm of any friendship and most men sadly never reconcile. I've witnessed this on a few occasions, but thankfully I've never had to end a friendship over a girl.

Extreme Prejudice explores the relationships between two overly macho men. Nick Nolte plays the Gary Cooperesque anti-hero and quite well. He's a tall, strong, masculine Texas Ranger who patrols the border in a futile attempt to stop the drug trade.

Powers Boothe plays Nolte's once childhood friend who's now a drug kingpin living in Mexico making a great living smuggling cocaine over Nolte's territory. Boothe plays the character well with his trademark creepy voice.

With movies like this there is always a complicated love triangle. Nolte is shacked up with Maria Conchita Alonso, Boothe's former girlfriend. Immediately the viewer needs no explanation of the backstory, but it's given anyways. Boothe was the guy who was hurt in the relationship and as movies of this nature would have it he goes off the deep end pursuing a life of crime. You didn't need me to type that out for you did you?

Nolte feels some empathy for hurting his former best friend and never engages him directly. Of course the plot has to move along so someone has to throw a wrench in this dysfunctional smooth running machine.

Maria becomes tired of the safe existence that Nolte has provided and chases a more exciting life with Boothe. She becomes a willing hostage that Boothe uses to ensnare his former friend into keeping out of his activities. Nolte and Boothe of course step up their little feud and we're lead to a moment of truth scene where the two fight for the hand of their fair maiden.

While this is all happening CIA operatives fall upon the small Texas town and fail at a bank robbery. After the mess they left the group go after Boothe's drug empire which leads to a massive gun battle.

The script is dated and you've seen this plot before in other, sometimes better, movies. The story is somewhat disjointed, especially with the confusing subplot involving the CIA which really didn't need to be in the film. It feels like a studio executive decided to write them in at the last minute just so a huge gun battle will ensue. The action sequence can get ridiculous at times like when a muscle bound guard, former pro-wrestler Zeus, gets shot numerous times only to act like the bullets didn't hurt him.

Given all the film's faults the acting is superb and the story, which can sometimes feel too familiar, is one that resonated with me. I'm intrigued by the characters even though they are cut straight out of old westerns.

"What makes the film good are Hill's style and the acting. Everything is cranked up about 10 degrees. Nolte is quiet and tough, Boothe gives a great performance as a slimy drug merchant with some residual charm and Alonso was born for her role as the passionate senorita trapped between two men who will kill for her." - Roger Ebert

Extreme Prejudice trailer which is horribly misleading.

Jul 20, 2006

Now that's hard up.

Being average looking I had to use other methods in my small arsenal to attract women. Sometimes it worked, and lot of times I was shot down. I always looked at meeting women akin to gambling. The more you bet the more you'll increase your odds of winning.

Of course there are times when I met certain women that made me feel like a winner and a loser.

Matthew Damsky, a Central Florida University student majoring in dumbass, allegedly decided the best way to meet girls was to commit arson. Yes he set fire to a dormitory couch in hopes that the evacuation would lead him to a sea of willing co-eds.

Just because you're University educated doesn't mean you have common sense. Most guys have gone to great lengths to meet that special someone and most have come out looking like complete dorks. Never me of course...uhhmm...yeah...

Who the hell thinks of fire as being an adequate ice breaker? What line was he planning to use anyways? 'Hey come around a blazing infero often?' It truly takes a special breed of jackass to even consider this a good idea. Luckily no one was hurt.

"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too." - H. L. Mencken

Police: UCF Student Set Dorm Fire To Meet Women

Jul 19, 2006

We still haven't built it.

Every US citizen has a strong opinion on how to respond to terrorism. While few will claim to understand the history of our more complex issues, such as world trade, Middle East policy, and/or our responsibilities as memebers of the Security Council; however I think most have a firm view on justice and how swiftly it should be dealt.

While our administration has taken such serious actions in the War on Terror our discourse on the subject has been mostly about the incompetence in Iraq, the alleged human rights abuses in Guantanamo, and stirring the entire Arab world into a massive Jihad against us.

There is one thing I don't understand about our post 9/11 country. Everyone agrees that we should never let the terrorists destory our way of life and we should face this adversary with strong determination; however five years after the World Trade Center and Pentagon were hit we still haven't replaced the towers. Does this make any sense to you? Wouldn't rebuidling the Trade Center as quickly as possible be a great 'fuck you' to all the haters of pork? What better way to show our resiliance as Americans than to create another great structure and show those who can't live in a civilized society that they can't break our spirit?

I've been reading about the delays of the construction of a new World Trade Center. Penn & Teller have a great episode about the subject on their series 'Bullshit'. Sadly it seems that our politicians have left the plans in an incompetent, beauracratic mess.

I'm deeply dissapointed that the rubble still sits at ground zero five years after the fact.

"The World Trade Center is a living symbol of man's dedication to world peace... a representation of man's belief in humanity, his need for individual dignity, his beliefs in the cooperation of men, and, through cooperation, his ability to find greatness." - Minoru Yamasaki

Who am I to argue?

The shop called and said the bearings will need to be special ordered, but it the car is safe to drive around until then as long as I don't take it on any long road trips. I got home and got some sleep, but not nearly enough for the ten hours I'm facing tonight. Still it's not so bad as my work volume today seems to be pretty slow and won't pick up anytime soon.

The Pretty Girl, referencing my earlier post, believes I look nothing like Ray Liotta. I guess that's a good thing. She does say I look like Shane West, which I somewhat get. Hey if I had to look like anyone it might as well be a good looking television star. I will say Shane West is far better looking than myself, but if that's how she views me I'm fine with it.

I feel kind of girlie writing about a resemblance to celebrities. I need to go drink dark beer and smash up a car with a sledge hammer all the while pounding my chest. Excuse me...

"Sexy, to me, has everything to do with how one speaks, how someone holds themselves, their smile, and how they treat people." - Shane West

Man this sucks.

Two days ago I noticed a high screeching sound from my car. It sounded like the transmission was going bad so I had to take the car in as soon as possible to avoid any serious damage if none had already occurred. I got off of work this morning and took the car into a transmission shop who about an hour ago discovered the problem. A wheel bearing has gone bad and I'm waiting for them to call me back once they get a price on it.

This is the hell that is working graveyards. I worked a ten hour shift last night. I stayed awake till 8a this morning to take the car in. I'll know the price of the repair at 11:30a. I'll get to approve the work and wait for them to fix the damn thing which at this point I have no idea how long that'll take. Oh and I have to work tonight. It's possible I may be under my desk sleeping the day away.

If I were working days this would be so much simpler, but alas this is the business I have chosen.

"I was the graveyard shift in a plastics plant in Texas. It was like being a vampire." - George Eads

On August 5th many British kittens will die.

In what is quite possibly the oddest charity drive ever the San Francisco-based Centre for Sex and Culture organizes a Masturbate-a-thon. Yes you read that right. Many people get together to spank to raise money for safe sex groups.

Not content with keeping this as a strictly American activity they exported the idea to the UK, which will be filmed for a documentary that will air on British television on August 5th.

I've walked for charity, but never have I even thought about pleasuring myself in a room full of guys. Just the thought of me and my friends doing that in each other's presence makes it hard to believe it's even possible. Now if all my friends looked like Aishwarya Rai well maybe I could step up to the plate and give to the needy. Granted I'd probably wouldn't get much mileage. Actually they couldn't use me at all, cause I never masturbate...ever.

I wish someone would come up with a punch-stupid-people-in-the-face-a-thon.

"Following on from the success of 'Penis week', we feel this is exactly the type of provocative and mischievous programming that Channel 4 should be covering in the 11pm slot. Masturbation is something many people do but not many people talk about," - Andrew MacKenzie

More tossers on TV

I should've gone into broadcasting.

There's a guy I work with who's located in our Texas office. I only communicate with him by phone and we've never seen each other. Tonight he hits me with this gem:

"Hey Erik. Did anyone ever tell you you sound like Kiefer Sutherland?" he said.

"Really?" I replied. "I've never heard that in my entire life."

"Yeah you do," he said. "Only sometimes though. You should make commercials for a living."

There's a thought. So apparently I have a creepy voice that I can use to hock merchandise for the Japanese.

I've been told that I look like a cross between Henry Rollins and Ray Liotta, which I take as a compliment, but never have I been compared to the likes of Kiefer. I don't know how I feel about that honestly. With the looks of Henry and the voice of Kiefer I imagine that when people first meet me they assume I abuse puppies.

"I liked the ceremony, the ritual of preparing cocaine, as much as doing it. I did it for a year, loved it, then stopped. Now I feel the same way about cooking." - Kiefer Sutherland

This Kiefer commercial makes no sense:

Jul 18, 2006

Makes you want to tear your hair out.

We've all worked those jobs that had at least one employee who seemed less then, shall I say, smart. When it finally becomes obvious that such a worker is too incompetent to manage a place among the low skilled workforce I'm often curious as to how this person exists outside the workplace. How do they pay their bills? How do they handle tasks such as laundry, cooking, etc.

I once worked as a camera salesman/photo lab tech for a large retail camera chain. I met many a type at that job. Some took it so seriously you would think they were working for the Peace Corps. Some didn't give a damn. And some made you feel pain for the fate of humanity.

Once interesting girl was Wynona, who called herself "Nona" for short. When Wynona first started she seemed enthusiastic about her newfound employment, but early in her training I found her to be the dimmest bulb.

Selling consumer/amateur cameras was pretty simple. All you really had to know was what the symbols on each camera meant in case the customer had questions about them and simply hand the device to the customer to let them play with it. We had a broad selection so it would be hard to not find a point and shoot camera that wouldn't fit someone's needs.

Wynona had such difficulty remembering the symbols that I wrote out a spreadsheet with the definitions of each and every function of all of our products. When a customer asked a question about a certain symbol, such as the lighting bolt which meant flash, she would throw up her hands in frustration and yell "I know nuttin about no cameras" and pleaded for someone to help her. I guess she found that to be a better solution than referencing the sheet I made for her.

Wynona had a problem with math as well. She was counting out the till and seemed to arrive at an impasse.

"Erik," Wynona said with much confusion. "What's 20-16?"

"You don't know?" I replied.

"No," she said. "I'm no good with this."

"It's okay Wynona," I said.

Frustrated with her inability to figure things out on her own I made her figure it out on paper. When she couldn't do that she pulled out the calculator. She couldn't compute that as well, which still beguiles me to this day. Finally I gave her the answer as we would've been there all night doing simple calculations.

When customers came in to pick up their prints they would often show off their pictures to the employees. I was cleaning up the counters when I hear Wynona starting to get excited when a customer displayed her vacation pictures.

"Erik," Wynona cried. "This lady went to Paris aaaaaaand France!"

The customer got a puzzled look on her face. I didn't correct Wynona as I was kind enough not to make her feel like the idiot she displayed herself to be. It probably would've taken a long conversation in explaining that Paris is indeed in France, one that I didn't have time for.

Alas Nona quit her job all of a sudden one day saying she was moving to California with her boyfriend. She wasn't missed as a worker, but as a source of comedy she was truly tough shoes to fill.

"In Paris, one is always reminded of being a foreigner. If you park your car wrong, it is not the fact that it's on the sidewalk that matters, but the fact that you speak with an accent." - Roman Polanski

And as we sit back..

While most of the press looks upon the recent Lebanon and Israel conflict with grim, almost apocalyptic, arrogance in trying to debate the five thousand year old strife in the mideast Iran and the US seem to sit back and view this proxy battlefield trying to analyze who in the East and West will speak in support for Hezbollah or the Jewish nation. Suffering no direct casualties the powerful comfortably view who their friends really are in this ugly battle.

It's sad when Iran, who seems to loathe the Palestinian people, will gladly use them in their agenda to wipe Israel off the map. Now their economic support for Hezbollah has caused numerous casualties for the citizens of Lebanon. Blame Israel all you want, but no side is innocent and in this case Hezbollah should have seen this coming when they detained the Israeli soldiers.

I won't go into the history of the conflict, nor sit here and act as some arrogant blogger trying to play the blame game in this war, but my hearts and prayers do go out to the civilians trapped in this eternal struggle. They are truly suffering the consequences of world leaders who simply cannot put tired old ideologies behind them and are perpetually living in the 3rd century while the other side cannot stand the idea of losing it's grasp of what it claims as it's right to power in a region that hates them.

Peace will never reign in the middle east, because quite simply no one on either side seems to want it.

"We plan to eliminate the state of Israel and establish a purely Palestinian state. We will make life unbearable for Jews by psychological warfare and population explosion. We Palestinians will take over everything, including all of Jerusalem." - Yasser Arafat

Man turns 100. Celebrates momentous occasion with class.

You may be surprised to learn I've never been to a Hooters restaurant. It's not that I'm a prude, far from it, but as much as I like hot women in little clothing I don't see the point of eating bad food. I'd rather have ugly waitresses who provide good service than otherwise. I go to a restaurant for good food and good company, not for girls in skimpy shorts to pretend that I'm handsome while hustling me for good tips.

Nat Back was taken to Hooters to celebrate his 100th birthday. He says it wasn't his idea, but no one pulled a gun to his head to do so.

As classless as this may seem I do hope I enjoy near naked women when I'm 100. If I live that long I'll probably be too wrapped up in appreciating the finer things in life such as going to the bathroom without assistance.

"My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen." - Mitch Hedberg

Man celebrates 100th birthday at Hooters

Jul 17, 2006

The Phantom Pisser

A lot of human activity makes me ponder what it is that makes us do the things we feel so compelled to do. I see people involved in strange behavior and always think why they are so weird.

I just found out today that we have a phantom pisser at work. He's a guy who feels it is necessary to urinate on the toilet paper rolls.

What drives a man to do something so damn gross? Men are disgusting creatures I know, but peeing on toilet paper? Is this some new fetish that I haven't heard of?

If I ever catch the guy we'll have one serious disagreement.

"European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches."
- Dave Barry

Jul 15, 2006

Sexymonica really wants to be my friend.

I'm really getting tired of MySpace. A lot of my friends use the site to blog and post pics of themselves and in doing so I felt it would be kind of cool to get an account myself to view their content.

I've been getting inundated with friend requests and most of them are bizarre. A lot of times I get requests with pictures of hot women who list a vivid description of themselves. When I click on their profile link it normally takes me to a porn site.

Monica however really wants to be my buddy something fierce. She has two profiles, Cutiemonica and Sexymonica. She has sent me three requests to be my little MySpace pal, two of which came from Sexymonica. I clicked on her profile which has the following description with my comments in red:

MY M.S.N is CANDYBACKA@HOTMAIL.COM - PLEASE CHAT ME THERE - I HAVE A WEBCAM AND CAN ONLY USE IT ON MSN :) (Yeah if that ain't a surefire sign for getting on a porn spam list) -- -- -- ---- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- - I am special (Mommy told me I'm special too, but that's before they had me locked up as a child).. I am horny (So am I, but I don't advertise it...wait I just did...damn) ... I am fun and caring and lovable. I like to go out and have fun with the girls and I love oral sex (Giving or receiving? Come on I want details) and surfing lol (I don't know what's funny about surfing. Perhaps I have no sense of humor) .. I also love to skate in the winter (Your profile lists her in San Diego.) and going out with a hot guy to dinner then maybe some fun at his place! (Is she a Red Robin, Daniels, or Denny's kind of gal? I mean how much does one have to shell out for this girl?) I guess you could say i'm a pretty normal gal who knows how to have a good time. (Yes most normal girls love to post bikini pics and talk about how easy they are to bang) I love to party and drink with my girls.. I have met several people off the internet who i am now friends with (No one wants to be my friend, online or in real life, cept for you dear Sexymonica) .. i love playing on my webbcam and just hangin out.. hit me up if u wanna know more :) I love girls and guys.. i think its beautiful when one can have an attraction for two of the same sexes (Depends on who the two are really. If you're talking Roseanne and Paula Poundstone, well the idea of beauty eludes me.) .. ..*@% those people who thinks its weird, cause its not, its normal (You can try and convince me all you want a wee wee and a man's hairy ass just doesn't do it for me. Call me different). Turn-ons: Abs,asses, boobs, tongues, tattoos, piercings, soft skin, shaved down there, eyes, lips, tight jeans, hot cologne, motor bikes, hot cars, 3-somes, porn, chocolate!!! (0-17 on my part. Yeah I don't think her and I are much of a match.) Turn-offs: Smelly people, hairy people, (2-0 there) loud people, cheap people, liars, idiots, racist people! (I can think of a few women who would agree that I'm an idiot.) I am a very genuine and sincere person. (Well you do seem honest.) I try not to catagorize myself into a specific sterotype or manner or presentation (Like attention whore/bi-curious MySpace troll?) .I can speak for myself. (And oh what fine prose you use to do so.) I would like to say that I am assure in who I am and what I am, but it would be a lie if I did. (I've never been assure about anything. Are you assure?) However I know what I like and don't like, and I know the kind of person I would like to be. (It's so very touching to hear that you're in touch with your likes and dislikes. I just found out I'm not into people punching me in the face.) It takes alot to make me feel intimidated, yet i'll admit when I am feeling vonerable. Im not shy I just chose to be quite the majority of the time. (I'm quite too. Wait quiet? Uhh forget it) I can be very hypicritical (Not that I'm a whiz at grammar, but one would think your average spell check program would catch this) I aspire to be the kind of person who walks into a room and lights it up, however that doesnt mean I expect or want to be the center of attention. (Your pic above and multiple friends requests is living proof you don't expect to catch the eye of people.) I can be unpredictable, I tend to surprise myself sometimes. I am well mannered and i accept everyone. (Except if they're hairy, smelly, bigoted, etc) If someone is being rude to me, I am more likely to smile and compliment them in a sincere way rather than doing it sarcastically to provock them. (Wow I just make fun of people online. I guess I'm a bad person. Do you still accept me dear Sexymonica? Are you "assure" you really want me as an online buddy?) I keep the negative things to myself unless its for the good of someones being. (Poking fun of you is great for my being.) I can handle critism (well then you won't mind this post thank god) and i will not be afraid to voice my talents (such as oral?) I don't pretend to be older than I am (what woman does?), I just know what I know. (Wow I know what I know too. Guess what? I don't know what I don't know.) I dont feel I am competition (good thing you don't, cause competition you aren't), nor do I have competition. I consider myself a someone not a something. (I feel that I'm a person to, not an inatimate object, but it took me years to come to this awesome realization) I always tend to put others before myself (even when it comes to oral?) I am well respected (I bet the dude that laid you in the back seat of his Pinto after taking you to Taco Bell for dinner respects you too) and I appreciate what i have, i try to want what i have. I am a more spiritual then religious (Too lazy to go to church on Sunday eh?) The unknown and paranormal fascinate me. Sometimes I dream in color. I hardly ever take things literally but I mean what I say (So does that mean if I take you dinner you will definitely come to my place for a little fun and oral? Sweet? Wait I have to be hot? Zoinks foiled again.) I am confident yet modest, and comfterble in my own skin. (If I post a pic of me in shorts does that mean I'm modest? Don't worry dear readers for I would never do that to you.) I dont feel the need to hide my imperfections. Im learning to embrace them. I do not walk the streets thinking that everyone is looking at me however I will smile and say hi to everyone. *Im not very materialistic and I consider myself intelligent, I am just forgetful and absent minded at times (Have you ever locked your keys in the car while it's running?) I dont freak out when I dont get my way however I can be manipulative. (aka I'm a total bitch and use my boobs to get a guy to take care of my car payment) I don't believe in luck (That's why you got implants) . I love it when random things happen it makes my day, ill get amused easily, it doesnt take much to make me happy (like oral?) .Im rather clumbsy (especially when typing) and i love to ascociate with all different kinds of people. (Except for those hairy bastards.) I try to stay very positive, open minded and laid back, but sometimes I can stubborn. (Didn't know stubborn is now a verb) I love a good challenge (So do I, but you don't sound like much of one) .......I am a fan of contradictions. * "I have a face, but I am not my face. I have a body, but I am not my body" *"It takes a smart girl to play stupid well"* "Why be a princess when parliment has more power" (There are so many things wrong with that last statement I won't waste time listing them) *"We pray to many different Gods like their flowers, and we call religion our friend" (?) *"The world in which is emerging praises both mothers and virgins but in the end, despises mothers and despoils virgins" (Now isn't that a contradiction to be a fan of? This girl really needs a therapist) *"Fear is just the anticipation of pain whether it be mentally, physically emotionally or spiritually (Wow..just..wow...) *No limits, No boundaries*

Yes dear Sexymonica I had to deny you as an online friend. As much as I appreciate the bikini shot I don't think I need any more friends than I already have. Our relationship was short, but oh so sweet. Maybe the six thousand other guys you requested will be more accommodating to your online needs.

"MySpace is becoming part of the scene at school, so it's only going to increase as kids head back to school. Now the cliques are moving online." - Kim Komando

Jul 13, 2006

Makes the cartoon Dennis seem pretty mild.

"Camp counselor?" I asked.

"Yeah. It'll be fun," she said.

I thought about the request my girlfriend at the time made and it seemed like a good one. Her and I being camp counselors together for a couple of weeks seemed like a good idea. My best friend Nic would be there along with her friend Jen. We might enjoy it. I like kids and the outdoors so I signed up. My 16 year old mind had great visions of a time that would be fun for all involved.

And then I met Dennis, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

After a week of counselor training, which involved various teen antics, our batch of children arrived for their time with us. Some kids greeted me with hugs, some with shy waves, and some with sadness that they'd be separated from their parents. Most of them seemed like sweet kids and the week of being a camp counselor promised to be enjoyable.

Then drove up a beat up old station wagon. Out of the car appeared a couple who seemed like they leapt straight from the pages of Easyrider magazine. In tow was a small cute tyke, even for his tender age of 5. It was then I was introduced to Dennis.

"Hi Dennis," I chimed. "Welcome to Camp Singing Wind."

"Hi fatso," he yelled. The parents laughed while I stood in mild shock.

Dennis' folks made their leave and we sat the children in a circle. Nic and I chatted with the kids and listened to their stories about school, their summer so far, and how happy they are to be away from their annoying siblings.

Dennis for some reason decided to take off his shirt. I told him he needed to put his shirt back on. In a sweet voice with puppy dog eyes he asked me to help him.

"Sure thing," I said. I placed the shirt on the kid and was rewarded with a short jab in the eye.

"What possessed you to do that?" I responded. He giggled. "We don't hit people here, ever." He kept laughing.

We escorted the boys down to their cabin. Dennis kept running off so I took him by the hand and kept a firm grip as we made our journey. For reasons I can only explain as demonic possession Dennis grabbed my left testicle and pulled.

I dropped to the ground like a rock in serious pain. I could hardly breathe as Nic yanked Dennis out of my arm's reach. Probably a good idea as I might have pulled a Homer and strangled the child.

"What's wrong Erik? What's wrong?" chimed the rest of the kids who did not witness the violation of my genitals. Nic quite brilliantly corralled the children and decided to take them to the cabin himself as I laid there cursing under my breath.

Activities with Dennis proved to be a chore. Swimming was the worst.

Dennis couldn't swim so he needed someone to help him around the pool. Everytime Nic or I tried to carry him he would try and punch us. One of the girl counselors decided to intervene which he promptly removed her top. I grabbed him and scolded him for it, but the girl took pity on him and decided to give him another chance. I guess my scolding worked for he didn't do it again.

What he did later was much worse.

We were in the showers and he decided to scream "I see your teeny weeny. I see your teeny weeny" at everyone over and over again. Nic tried to calm him down while I watched over the rest of the children. A few moments went by and suddenly there was a relative quiet followed by blood curdling screams from the girls showers.

"Where's Dennis?" I asked Nic.

"Oh no," was his reply. This could not be good.

"Erik! Nic!" It was one of the girl counselors yelling for us. I go outside to find her dressed in nothing but a towel holding a naked Dennis.

"Uhh..oh..my...god," I said. "Did he..just..you know..."

She kind of smiled and asked me to try and keep a better eye on him as bolting into the girls shower was not appropriate. She was sympathetic to the plight of managing Damien..err..Dennis and did take it in good humor thankfully.

The problem with disciplining Dennis was not only the fact that he would always respond with a 'fuck you fatso' to everyone, but the leaders of the camp wouldn't let me do anything to try and get him to behave. Usual punishments I tried to implement like taking away privileges, dessert, lectures, time outs, etc. were constantly being undermined by my superiors. Dennis may have been a terror, but he was smart enough to know there was really nothing I could do to him.

This brings me to Dennis' vocabulary. I don't think I knew the 'f' word until maybe around 8 or 9, but not only was he aware of the word he used it on multiple occasions. Every time I tried to explain to him how we don't use that kind of language he'd respond with chanting 'fuck'.

Once we had some downtime with the kids and Nic and I let the children play at their leisure. Nic brought out a white trash car magazine which had the signature bikini clad woman on the cover. When Dennis saw this his eyes lit up and came running over yelling 'I know what I want. I want the pussy.' He then grabbed a pillow off his bunk and started to perform an unnatural act on it.

Here was Nic and I faced with a five year old humping a pillow. There was that moment of eerie surprise, like we just watched our first horror film. I finally pulled Dennis off the pillow and scolded him again. A counselor from another cabin, who had enough of the little anti-Christ, took him into his cabin and we all heard a bunch of muffled yelling from him and Dennis screaming 'fuck you fatso'.

There were many other misdeeds Dennis laid upon us all of which made me want to slowly torture whoever was responsible for conceiving and raising the bastard child. In all his mishaps I sort of took pity on him knowing that it was inevitably his parent's fault, but that didn't make my week go any easier.

I did have my moment of sweet revenge however. Nic was taking his daily allotted hour break and I watched the kids play. One child was a gentle giant who Dennis tormented on a regular basis. On this day though this mammoth kid decided he had enough.

Dennis came at him with a big stick and tried to hit him with it. Before I could do anything the big kid jumped on Dennis and threw numerous hammer fists on his chest. The demon child screamed profanities at him and pleaded for the beatings to stop, but the fists came down quicker and with more force every time Dennis yelled or hurled an insult.

I being the ever so mature teenager did what I felt was right. I stood and watched the plummeling of my small nemesis.

"Please...uhh..like...stop," I said softly. "Please...stop beating...him."

The big kid decided Dennis had enough. He stood over him with clenched fists and a red angry face.

"Leave me alone Dennis," he commanded.

"Fuck you fatso," Dennis replied with tears rolling down his cheeks. The kid swiftly pounced on him and continued his assault.

Finally I decided to intervene and stop the beating. Dennis stood up after crying his eyes out and apologized. He never bothered the big kid again.

Yeah I'm going to hell, but when I do I'm going to kick the living crap out of Dennis' father.

To this day I think of Dennis and what happened to him. I do hope some segment of society helped raise that child into something better than his parents had destined for him. He may be out committing crimes against God and man, but the optimist in me prays for a better life for him.

"I guess I was a brat. I had a lousy temper and the first day of school some kid pushed my head into the fountain." - Alan Ladd

Jul 12, 2006

No dad Elvis is not hiding out posing as Santa.

I went to Bellingham this weekend and visited my folks who had my nephews. The oldest, Gabe, finished a Greek mythology book, one that I used to read as a kid, and theological questions sprang to his developing mind.

"Grandma," he asked with a quizzical look in his eyes. "Why is Zeus a God? Is he like Jesus?"

"No Gabe," Mom answered. She then sat him down and explained to him the differences between the religions of old and her family's faith. A lesson that was familiar as I heard it as a young lad. Gabe and Corban listened to her with wonderment.

I then missed those days of youth. Those times when adults had all the answers, where a disagreement on the playground could easily be resolved with a do over, when Santa existed, and GI Joe was truly a real American hero.

Alas I grew old and came to the realization that Grace Kelly would not permanently be 26 years of age and awaiting my marriage proposal.

"I don't want to be married to someone who feels inferior to my success or because I make more money than he does." - Grace Kelly

Jul 11, 2006

Why the hell do we like the abuse?

I was reading a blog post earlier today concerning a girl who lived with a roommate who had an abusive boyfriend. The story was a sad one, but instead of having the Lifetime network ending of the girl beating the guy down with a random object and having him put in jail for life and afterwards being whisked off her feet by a knight in shining armor this girl decided to stay with the prick.

It reminded me of my own experience knowing a friend who was once a victim, or shall I say glutton?

I was working at a video store years ago and was trained by a girl named Donene (sp). She was a funny gal who enjoyed lively conversation and I will always remember the fact that she had the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in person. I mean these were Locklear eyes and were just stunning.

The rest of her physical appearance though was cute, but she had a thrashy look that may remind of you of a Poison groupie. She had a long haired perm and a bad blonde dye job. Donene also sported 80s style jeans with big baggy sweatshirts and white trash jewelry. Her appearance fit the definition of what me and my friends would call "a six pack and a Blockbuster night girl", which, yeah, is crude on our part.

I enjoyed working with Donene as she always had great stories to tell. She was very open and we both had fun playing games and chatting it up during the slow periods.

I came into the store and said hello to her one day. Sometimes she would smile and say hello back, sometimes she would even give me a hug, sometimes she would flirt, but this time she wouldn't even look at me. Not a glance.

"What's wrong kid?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said still looking at the floor.

"Don't give me that," I pestered. "Tell me what's up in Donene's world."

She looked up at me and her face displayed two black eyes. I was stunned and didn't know what to say. Did she get into an accident? What?

"He hit me," she said in a meek voice.

"He hit you?" I asked. I was still under the pain of shock hearing this.


"Why? What happened?"

"We started fighting and I tried to leave. He threw a pot at me and grabbed me to I couldn't leave." At that point she showed me some bruises on her arm.

"And?" I said.

"And then he hit me a couple of times. I finally got away from him and got out of there."

"Where did you stay last night?"

"In my car."

She did not call the police even under my intense badgering. She kept making excuses for his behavior and would hear none of my offers to go over and show the guy how men really fight. Donene did say that this time she would leave him for good.

"This time?" I asked with even more shock. "How many times has this happened?"

"A few," she sheepishly replied.

"Dear God and you still stuck with him. Why the fuck would you do that?"

"Cause I love him."

"Look so does Jesus, but even the savior sends people to eternal torment."

"I love him Erik. You don't know him like I do."

"And you don't know him like I do either. He's an emotional cripple, a coward, and undeserving of your or anyone's love."

"He's been through a lot."

"So have a lot of people. Most don't beat their girlfriends."

The conversation ended with her agreeing to end it with him for good. I was relieved to hear this and as time went on she seemed to be perking up. Instead of wearing the baggy sweatshirts she wore more flattering attire. It was then I found out she wore such huge clothing to cover up the many bruises she endured.

She was quick to jump on the dating scene and had no problem finding guys to give her attention. Having sexy eyes and an ample rack will do that.

Donene met a few guys. Guys with good jobs and who treated her with lavish affection. Some would send her flowers at work. Some would stop by and bring her lunch. No matter how much attention these guys gave her she always found some excuse for breaking it off with them.

"He's too nice," was a phrase I heard often when she mentioned those guys. Shivers hit me when she said this. A few times I've heard this line from possible girlfriends who were basically saying if I treated them like dog shit they'd be all over me. For some reason I could never bring myself to look at a woman as dirt and for this I heard the 'too nice' speech while they planned to get back together with their ex that neglected them.

Months later Donene eventually got back together with the abuser stating she felt comfortable with him. I don't know how cozy I'd be while deflecting punches from my significant other on a regular basis, but I imagine she had her own issues as well. I did feel sorry for her for it seemed like every man in her childhood and teen years either neglected her or outright used her. I have no idea what that's like, nor will I even try to understand the pain associated with her life.

I will never figure out why people are so attracted to misery.

"It's just a show. It's not the end of Western Civilization. It's chewing gum." - Jerry Springer

Charles Foster Kane lectures you on freedom.

I'm a big Orson Welles fan, but I'm not one to consider him a genius. It's sad that his career went from making one of the best American films ever to hawking bad wine and narrating Nostradamus documentaries.

He has done such a huge body of work that's still relevant to this day. I came across this find, which can be viewed below, that was made years ago, but it's message is arguably more important now then ever. It's almost spooky.

"Everybody denies I am a genius - but nobody ever called me one!" - Orson Welles

The quick road to spirituality.

Scientists have now discovered that most people who do mushrooms claim to have a spiritual experience. Psilocybin, the active ingredient in shrooms, apparently gives users a mystical trip. Why this is news I don't know.

They could have simply done a poll of any group of dirty hippies and the majority would claim the same. You could not ask a random person, say a blogger, who's above such things as eating fungi and thinking that Liza Minelli was riding an ostrich playing a trombone and believing the horrid event was occurring right behind him. Said blogger would never add nitrous to a trip and was suddenly whisked away to Mario world while his friends were shooting fireballs. Yes that blogger, whoever they may be, would not know a thing about it.

"In the 1920s, Penn State became the first land-grant college to initiate a comprehensive mushroom research program." - Don Sherwood

Magic mushrooms really cause 'spiritual' experiences

Jul 10, 2006

I would so fire my campaign manager.

The Lyndon Johnson campaign released a stunning commercial depicting a young girl picking a flower and counting each petal. The ad then launched into a countdown and the audience was shown an image of a mushroom cloud. A voiceover then commenced talking about how the stakes were high in this campaign and the ad suggested that Johnson's rival, Barry Goldwater, may start a nuclear holocaust if elected.

The campaign ad launched a new era of televised politics. Critics back then blasted the commercial calling it tasteless to assume Goldwater may be a war monger. Although people backed then probably assumed television would bombard them with terrible ads they probably never thought it stoop to such an aesthetic low as the commerical I viewed today.

Dennis Ramsussen's campaign released an ad featuring a South Park like animated figure singing about how he needs a moderate canidate who's in touch with the American people. Granted I identify with the message, but for the love of Destro did the song have to be so painful?


Daisy Girl ad:

"We need to get past partisan arguments over whether we should have big government or small government. What America needs is smart government." - Dennis Rasmussen

Avast ye Maoist swabs.

China has banned Pirates of the Caribbean 2 allegedly because of it's portrayal of human cannibalism. I haven't seen the film, nor will I rush out to do so, but I imagine the portrayal is cartoonish enough that it won't make the proletariat openly revolt and eat members of China's parliament. I'd be a poor dictator.

Ironic that there will probably be thousands of bootlegged copies of the film available on Hong Kong's street markets.

"When I was about 5 I think, I desperately wanted to be a pirate and have the hat and everything." - Keira Knightley

China sinks Dead Man's Chest

Jul 8, 2006

In order to receive a career boost you must be topless.

Anne Hathaway believes her career matured due to her topless scene in Brokeback Mountain. Now I'm all for Anne Hathaway getting naked, but doesn't it seem strange that only in Hollywood can someone rip off their shirt in front of millions of viewers and suddenly their worth more money?

Hmm..maybe this could work in politics. If only Bush Sr. appeared shirtless in the 92 Republican convention maybe the world body politic would be different.

It's funny how Anne is rewarded for good nudity and my weekly work activity of dropping trou and swinging my manhood like a tassel is frowned upon.

"I think the topless scene in 'Brokeback Mountain' was the real departure! 'The Princess Diaries' came out five years ago and if a girl aged twelve watched that then she might watch my new movie now. It's lovely to think that my audience is growing up with me." - Anne Hathaway

Topless Scene Moved Anne Hathaway's Career in New Direction

Jul 5, 2006

Overrated films part 16.

The Matrix has universal appeal and for obvious reasons. The special effects, action, dime store philosophy, and mild S&M costumes makes it a favorite amongst gamers, sci-fi geeks, action movie fans, and suedo-intellectuals. Oh and don't forget anyone who's dabbled in hallucinogens at least once. Of course I would never do something like that.

The film's huge success sparked a new interest in sci-fi. Ironically it starred Keanu Reeves who's previous sci-fi flick, the horrendous Johnny Mnemonic, almost killed any fanfare associated with the genre.

The main problem I have with this film, which claims to have numerous philosophical and religious analogies, is that the violence in it was a little too much even for my tastes. In one of it's most famous scenes Neo and Trinity decide to storm a building and kill a bunch of security guards. What the security guards did to them or anyone I don't know, but they needed to die and the audience was supposed to revel in it. Granted the scene looks really good and most people didn't even give a second thought as to why the duo with all their powers could have whisked their way into the building to the place they needed to go without leaving behind a senseless death toll.

That's the power of The Matrix. Visually it's so impressive that everyone ignores it's numerous flaws and enjoys the mindless action piece that it is. The cult of Neo was born and everyone discussed the deeper meanings they attribute to the taking of the red pill. It's truly an example of powerful cinema. The visuals in the film, as well as the cool concept, are stunning enough to make you look past the atrocious acting and banal dialogue. It looks so good guys kept trying to convince me that Trinity is hot. That's something I still don't get.

You're probably thinking I'm an idiot for missing some hokey dialogue sequence that explains the importance of killing innocent civilians for the purpose of Neo's mission, but please spare me that bullshit.

I've never considered the film to be all that bad, but after viewing it's two terrible sequels one would easily consider The Matrix to be a cinematic masterpiece.

The Matrix scene I was referring to:

"It's astonishing that so much money, talent, technical expertise and visual imagination can be put in the service of something so stupid." - Bob Graham

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Given that technology has become so relatively inexpensive many amateur filmmakers are able to create and distribute their films with much greater ease than it was say twenty years ago. While there are many good short films that are shown on the net and at festivals there are certainly far more bad ones. I've watched many a terrible film, some even created by myself, and wondered if the next generation of directors were suffering from over exposure of inarticulate television and music.

The movie show below is an example of comedy at it's finest. I haven't laughed this hard in a while. I think you'll enjoy it too.

"Hollywood is still the mecca for good or bad, but it isn't the beginning or end for filmmaking." -Robert Duvall

Jul 4, 2006

I'm a lucky man, but that doesn't mean I won't complain.

I just stood outside here at work listening to the fireworks. I couldn't see any being stuck in the hills, but the loud booms were enjoyable enough. It made me jealous to think that the Pretty Girl, my friends, and family were all sitting around enjoying the sights and smells of our Independence Day as I was stuck at work answering calls from disgruntled customers half way around the world.

I am blessed to have this job as it is a good one; however it's days like these that make me question if my work-life balance is worth the extra pay I get to take a graveyard shift. When you work nights you have to make many sacrifices, sleep being the main one, in order to enjoy a social life.

Imagine if you will trying to plan a dinner with friends. If you're a 9-5er it's pretty simple. Take a day out of any seven and you can attend such an event with ease. When you work a 4x10 grave shift you have three days to choose from. Then you have to factor in seeing the rest of your friends and family. Alone time does not exist for you.

When I have such thoughts about how I sometimes loathe the business I have chosen I think back to a rafting trip I took years ago. I went into an outhouse near the launch site which had a sign that said "Please do not throw pop cans in here. They are difficult to remove." Whoever has that job seriously needs to consider if removing aluminum from human waste is really an enriching career.

Then again I could find work assisting supermodels into swimwear, but I'll count my blessings.

"Those who won our independence… valued liberty as an end and as a means. They believed liberty to be the secret of happiness and courage to be the secret of liberty." - Louis D. Brandeis

Fireworks game

Jul 3, 2006

Overrated films part 15.

There are two genres of movies that I'm a sucker for and that's sports films and super hero pictures. The former keeps me engaged enough, whether they're wildly overrated homoerotic Bruckheimer flicks or the extremely underrated Cinderella Man and Friday Night Lights. Most super hero movies I disagree with the entire general public on as I don't worship at the altar of the Burton Batman films, nor did I think the last X-Men was all that bad. I actually loved Hulk which is a film that escalated the blood pressure of so many comic book fans they collectively came down a case of hemorrhoids.

I saw Spider-Man shortly after it first opened and walked out of the theatre numb like. It's not that I hated the movie, but I did have some problems with it. I still can't understand why they took an actor as talented as William Dafoe and put him in a dull, lifeless mask. This guy gave audiences chills with his portrayal of Max Schreck yet he's reduced to cackling in a ridiculous costume. Often times super hero movies are dependent on having an engaging villain and the Green Goblin is one of the worst super villains in all of DC and Marvel lore. Expecting me to enjoy this character was a stretch, one that I still don't get.

I didn't expect a dark film, but Sam Raimi felt compelled to ham it up with scenes such as New Yorkers throwing random objects at the Green Goblin all the while screaming statements about how the town's residents are always collective in their stand against the enemy. Isn't it nice that he throws in a 9-11 reference in a cheesy comic book film?

Some of the scenes looked impressive, but most were obviously animated and even when they weren't it still looked mediocre. The plot was fairly thin even by comic book movie standards.

I truly believe there is a conspiracy in Hollywood to try and make me believe that Kirsten Dunst is hot, but I'm still not buying it. They can throw her into all the lame movies that feature her in a cheerleader uniform all they want, but I will never spend quality time alone with her image. Having her in tight dresses soaked to the skin doesn't help either. Same goes for Liv Tyler and Sarah Jessica Parker.

I've never been a fan of the web slinger, but audiences and critics helped the film become one of the most successful movies in history with a huge box office showing. After this lifeless film became such a massive hit Raimi did decide to thank the viewing public by giving us a far superior sequel, which redeemed him enough in my book.

Spider-Man kiss:

"Plays like a sensitive 1980s-era John Hughes teen film ... Interrupted by really tawdry special effects and hammy appearances by a cartoonish villain played by William Dafoe." - Steven Rosen

Celebrate our independence by blowing stuff up.

This year marks a bitter sweet 4th of July as I'll be in my cubicle burning the midnight oil. No heavy drinking or lighting off illegal fireworks for me this year.

In the immortal words of Bill Pullman, today we do indeed celebrate our independence day. We pay tribute to this great country of ours and the freedom we've been allotted. From buying Tool albums that make you think you're cool to believing the Matrix has deep philosophical implications the United States allows you to be a genius or a moron. It's one of the few countries where the poor are fat, you can smoke yourself into an early grave and ensure your family will receive a huge settlement, and two thirds of the population don't know the words to the national anthem and/or pledge of allegiance.

So I hope you all have a great 4th of July and hopefully none of your celebrations will involve the fire department. Please take time to remember those who fought and died to keep this country great.

"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty." - JFK