Sep 30, 2005

Boondock Saints

This has to be quite possibly the best bad film ever. It was critically panned, but currently has a huge cult following on video. Very quotable and bizarre at the same time.

Granted it's not high brow cinema, but it does have it's charm. It reminded me of a superhero movie without the capes. If you haven't seen it yet I suggest you do.

"And shepherds we shall be, for thee my lord, for thee. Power hath descended forth from thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out thy command. We shall flow a river forth to thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. E Nomini Patri, E Fili, E Spiritu Sancti." - Boondock Saints.

The Boondock Saints

Sep 29, 2005

Friggin The Cure.

So I saw 'Just Like Heaven' last night. It's one of those romantic comedies that has little to no chemistry between the main characters nor is it funny. Kind of fails at being in the genre it's touting to be. I'm not going to give away the major plot points, but about half way through the film I was certain that the script was written by Tom DeLay and his staff. To further add to my disappointment they played The Cure. After all these years that band still makes me want to kill myself in creative ways.

There were some good points to the movie going experience. I had a pretty girl sitting next to me and I got to stare at Reese Witherspoon for a couple of hours. Ahh Reese. Amazing how that girl makes me want...uhh...I'll stop now.

Speaking of Tom DeLay that dumb SOB has stepped down temporarily as House Majority Leader. He still claims he's innocent of course, but then again so did James Traficant. If DeLay gets prosecuted maybe he and Traficant can run on a ticket and form the 'politically criminal negligent' party. That would rule. All funds for their convention would be funneled through off shore accounts. Arthur Anderson would do the book keeping. Surviving members of the Nixon administration would host the event. Dick Morris would be a keynote speaker. I think I'm onto something here.

"It has never been proven that air toxics are hazardous to people." - Tom DeLay

Just Like Heaven
DeLay blasts indictment, prosecutor
Free Traficant

More car drama.

I got home last night and there was no place to park around my place. My Nigerian neighbors have no idea how to effectively park a vehicle and they are too scared to pull into the garage. All of them have either scrapes, dents, or damaged side mirrors from pulling in to the garage that is wide enough for their vehicles to fit safely.

This is common amongst my neighbors. The garage is now a storage area rather then used for parking. Since my roommates use the garage I have to always park outside. I pulled up the street behind me and parked.

I heard some commotion outside my place this morning. I stepped out and the old construction dude came up to me and asked if I owned a VW. I said yes and he stated that it got hit.

I went to my car and saw the most amazing thing. There was a sedan sitting in the middle of the road with the back end crunched. Across the street two staircases seemed to sustain some structural damage. One light, the other was completely destroyed. The car parked in front of me was up on the curb with it's axel broken and front end smashed. It was pinned up against my car and judging by the dry spots on the concrete it looks like my car was moved by at least a foot.

I talked with the cop and he said the girl driving "fell asleep" behind the wheel clipped one staircase then smashed into another. She then woke up and decided to throw it into reverse. Showing a great display of reflex she traveled down the street and smashed into the car parked in front of me which hit backed into mine. I believe this girl is morally against hitting the brake.

Luckily no one was hurt nor did my car suffer anything but cosmetic damage. I'm still going to have it taken in just in case. My neighbor was not so fortunate. Given the amount of front end damage sustained they're better off totaling the car.

I stood there for about 10 minutes trying to decipher how this wreck could've possibly happened. An island tortoise seems to have quicker reflexes considering the distance between the stairs and the car she hit. The Jiggaman has an interesting explanation.

"After the second wreck, I decided I better try to write before I got hit by a bus." - Paula Danziger

Sep 27, 2005

The media has exaggerated. Imagine my shock.

According to the LA Times, the media has distorted many reports of the barbaric events that happened in the Superdome and the New Orleans Convention Center. All those reports of hundreds of bodies, multiple rapes, babies found in trash cans, and even sharks can be taken with a grain of salt.

This of course is no surprise. Given the lack of communication at the place and the possibility that these reports have been motivated by race the confusion did lead to urban legends very quickly. Catastrophic events always do generate horror stories that seem almost biblical.

The real tragedy of these stories is the fact that people will still believe them no matter how many times they've been shot down. People who have any sort of prejudice in them are already using these stories to affirm their racist tendencies. I've heard them in passing from various acquaintances. The damage has been done and there's really no recovering from these mythic reports.

And who was one of the leaders of flinging these claims across the airwaves you ask? Yes none other then Rupert Murdoch's brain child Fox News.

"This country is a better place because Fox News has succeeded." - Bill O'Reilly

Katrina Takes a Toll on Truth, News Accuracy


We are the byproducts of the failures of the counter culture.
We are the ones who keep a job where a difference was never made, yet we're too afraid to leave it.
We make more money then we did as starving students, yet we still can't save a dime.
We drink coffee from trendy shops and we buy their non-coffee related products.
We are closet reality TV watchers.
We have a ridiculous car payment for a vehicle we don't need.
We justify our debt.
We look up to our heroes who are nothing but fictional characters created by some hack novelist, screenwriter, etc.
We pack gyms and go on ridiculous diets all for the sake of image.
We have grown more attached to our toys.
We can order food yet are clueless on how to cook.
We have wine racks and consume expensive alcohol we don't really care about.
We buy clothes from an overpriced store in a mall.
We must carry electronic equipment that'll keep us in touch with everyone at all times.
We read books about war, young magicians, and simple philosophy and we'll go to our graves praising them as great literature.
We believing that watching a "deep" film released by a major Hollywood studio helps us stay grounded.
We own homes, cars, computers, and other items we deem as essential yet we couldn't fix a single problem with our so called necessity items.
We believe ourselves to be non comformists because we listen to jazz, disco, bluegrass, etc.
We jumped on the Gregorian chant bandwagon.
We respect the Dali Llama for reasons we don't understand.
We spend a lot of time participating in morning bathroom rituals we hate.
We are individuals just like all our friends.
We truly believe that everything we needed to know we learned in kindergarten.
We consume products we know will kill us.
We blog.
We recycle bottles yet we would not be caught dead walking.
We are unnecessary.

Wow I got a little weird there. My apologies.

"I flipped through catalogs and wondered: What kind of dining set defines me as a person?" - Fight Club.

Sep 26, 2005

Killer dolphins

Apparently the US Navy has trained dolphins swimming around with headgear that shoots terrorist divers with narcotic laced darts. Seriously. This is not a B movie script I'm referencing, although that may be in the works right now. It'll star Eric Roberts.

Hurricane Katrina has washed these dolphins deep into the Gulf of Mexico and these dolphins have gone crazy shooting innocent divers. As sad as it is using dolphins for national security this whole scenario is hilarious. Flipper has gone postal on tourists.

I wonder if the Department of Homeland Security has RPG launching deer.

It should be noted that the source of this news is not known for it's stellar fact checking so use your best judgment.

"The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man it is to know that and to wonder at it." - Jacques Yves Cousteau

Dolphin assassins menace Gulf of Mexico

Hitman is done...finally.

RO dropped me a line informing me that Hitman is complete. I'll have copies burned for the entire cast after I get back from vacation.

I imagine the most entertaining part of the film will be the blooper reel and my pretentious commentary. If you're not part of the cast and would like a copy, for reasons other than blackmail, let me know.

"I was always a filmmaker before I was anything else. If I was always anything, I was a storyteller, and it never really made much of a difference to me what medium I worked in." -Nicholas Meyer

My kingdom for a pillow.

I helped someone move this morning. The move went really well actually. Short and easy. Tonight I'm working a graveyard shift. My mind is mush and my body is starting to grow numb.

Sleep. I need sleep. Coffee. Oh dear coffee. Those tasty beans flow through my system with zeal. Bless you you caffeinated beverage and everything you stand for.

When you're really tired you think up weird and useless stuff. I was contemplating what kind of food was served during treaty negociations. Whoever the neutral party hosting the talks could play a major factor in foreign diplomacy. If Germany, for example, served really bad meatloaf to the Pakistani delegation during a peace meeting about Kashmir well things could go awry very quickly. After pondering this for a while I came to the conclusion that this is not likely to happen given there's probably an agreement on what cuisine each nation's ambassador eats prior to the talks. Then I got mad at myself for wasting so much thought on such a banal subject.

There's a new reality show out there called Battle of the Network Reality Stars. My god it's painful. I saw this show the other night. You may remember Battle of the Network Stars from the late 70s/early 80s. Actors from the big three networks got together and competed in various athletic events to determine who was the more sporty out of the pool of coked up-self congratulatory hollywood brats.

Concept is the same except Bravo decided to use reality TV "stars" for various events. They also are employing the vote em off rule so popular in our current voyeuristic culture. It is as jaw droppingly bad as it sounds. It makes me physically angry just thinking about it. These jackasses get a new outlet to continue their 15 minutes. There's crying, backstabbing, yelling, trash talking, the whole nine. After watching about 5 minutes of it I pondered how these people exist. How do the pay their bills? Are they able to go grocery shopping? Can they operate machinery? They seem to have little talent other then acting like a horses ass. Again too much time spent on a useless subject.

I'm fading...fading quickly. I flipped the channel to South Park, cause that's quality programming. My turn signal...oh dear god I'm rambling. Sorry.

"Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep." ~Fran Lebowitz

Sep 23, 2005

Sleep is for the weak.

Since 6pm last night I've been sitting here in my cube. The company meeting is today and buses leave at 8am for Safeco. They will pay me overtime if I go. Do I fight sleep and go or do I just go home and rest?

This task leads to interesting questions. How much of my health am I willing to risk for the sake of some cash? And will that extra cash just go to more beer and/or poker? Sitting in a cold stadium for hours without rest and trying to at least look alert may not be the best impression that I want to give our management team. I could get sick as well.

There's a lot at risk here. Well not really. I'll go and try and make up the sleep tonight. Everyone has a price and mine's really low.

"Bored people, unless they sleep a lot, are cruel." - Renata Adler

Sep 20, 2005

I'm not going to live long.

According to the American Journal of Gastroenterology, beer and liquor drinkers have a higher risk of colon cancer. This news depresses me to no end. I lost a bunch of weight so I won't die of a heart attack, I'm trying to quit smoking to save my lungs, throat, bank account, etc, and now I may have to give up drinking to save my own ass. Literally.

I could just say screw it and smoke three packs of non-filtered Lucky Strikes a day, eat rare steaks and potato chips for every meal, and replace my water intake with Wild Turkey. God it would be gluttonly glorious. I could be pissed off cancer man. I would fart in crowded elevators. I would blast music by Bryan Adams any chance I got. I would never use a turn signal. I would...ahh this could go on forever.

"Here with my beer I sit, while golden moments flit: alas! They pass unheeded by: and as they fly, I, being dry, sit idly sipping here, my beer." - George Arnold

Beer and liquor may boost colon cancer risk

My car is possessed.

This morning I flicked my turn signal on and it started flickering at a faster then normal rate. Damn I have a turn signal out. I pull into the gym and check whether it was the front or back. It was the front which kind of bummed me since the design of the car requires you to take off the bumper to get to the headlight. Given I have little to no knowledge of the mechanics of VWs I'd have to take it into the shop.

Fine I thought. I'll make an appointment as soon as possible and get if fixed. This evening I started driving to work and flicked on the turn signal which flickered at a normal pace. I pulled over and checked it out and the front signal was working fine. Interesting.

The next time I used the turn signal it again flickered at a fast pace. I pulled into work and found it was no longer working. Ye gods my car has been possessed. I thought about performing an exorcism, but I figured the only thing I'd be accomplishing was blasphemy.

To the shop I go.

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone." - Steven Wright

Sep 19, 2005

North Korea suspends nuclear program.

North Korea today has decided to end it's nuclear program. The six party talks have marked a key milestone in international diplomacy. North Korea has been notorious for being stubborn about abandoning it's WMD and Kim Jong Il has made it no secret he is ready to use them. Since our President's infamous State of the Union speech, where he proclaimed North Korea as being part of the "axis of evil", North Korea has increased it's weapons manufacturing to an almost obscene level. Whether they really had much of a program or if the dictator was bluffing is something that will remain to be seen.

UN inspectors will be arriving in the country to oversee the disarmament. If they find anything then they report to the UN and we engage in more talks. Everything comes full circle unless one party goes off the deep end. If you do not see recent history repeating itself here well just kindly educate and/or kill yourself.

North Korea does receive some concessions which makes sense for all involved. All nation members of the talks have agreed to give energy and economic assistance to the normally hermit Stalinist regime. The old adage 'free trade ends wars' may work in this case given the benefits the DPRK will be receiving.

I would be more celebratory of this news; however I am skeptical of it's outcomes. North Korea, who has produced sensationalized propaganda such as this, has always been kind of the bastard uncle of the Pacific and has been known to back down on many treaties on a whim.

While I do get some sense of optimism out of seeing the six party talks I.......Aww you still don't give a shit about nuclear proliferation of insane dictators or my uneducated opinions on world politics do you? You wanted to hear about boobies.

"We oppose the reactionary policies of the U.S. government but we do not oppose the American people. We want to have many good friends in the United States." - Kim Jong Il

N. Korea agrees to give up nuclear program

Sep 18, 2005

Update on 'Hitman'

I met with RO on Friday and we kept drudging away. The commentary has been recorded and RO has been busy editing the outtakes. He gave me a time frame of two weeks before it's finally done.

I've watched the rough cut and it looks okay. I'm never going to act again in one of my films though. God I look and sound weird on film.

"With a good script, a good director can produce a masterpiece. With the same script, a mediocre director can produce a passable film. But with a bad script even a good director can't possibly make a good film. For truly cinematic expression, the camera and the microphone must be able to cross both fire and water. The script must be something that has the power to do this." - Akira Kurosawa

'Girls Gone Wild' are now humanitarians.

For years I believed that breasts are the key to all that is good. Well not all breasts. Okay some, but they are out there and they will save humanity from destruction.

Currently the makers of 'Girls Gone Wild', best known for filming drunk girls flashing their boobs, decided to donate proceeds of their latest videos to the Katrina victims. Kind of makes sense considering they made a buttload of money off the town's female population. Mardi Gras is notorious for public intoxication and the tradition of trading beads for a flash. No longer are they just known for exploiting college age women and angering parents across the country.

I appreciate the good works of the 'Girls Gone Wild' producers for showing the world that good nudity can play a vital part in humanitarian relief. A precedent has been set and it's a great one.

Fathers everywhere are sweating in anger over this.

"So my number one job is to keep her off the pole. We don't grade fathers, but if your daughter's a stripper you fucked up." - Chris Rock

Breast-flashing video proceeds donated to Katrina victims

Sep 16, 2005

How great it used to be.

The older generations in my family used to give me tales about how great it used to be. The usual banter was about how wonderful the 50s were or how self reliant people were in the old west. The way they told them made me think that all men were chivalrous, women were queens, and children were angels. Ahh those blessed times.

What an idiot I was to even sit and listen to it. I was absorbing the ideals of people who truly believed that every man in the past fought like a warrior poet, loved like tomorrow would never come, and worked till he couldn't stand to simply keep his family fed. However ridiculous these stories were and how I was aghast with their naeivity I secretly like those romantic visions of a utopia of yesteryear.

Reality soon rears it's ugly head soon after the idyllic landscapes float away. Famine, plagues, senseless violence, caste systems, slavery, oppression, war. All were too common in those days, even in my parents stylized version of the mid 20th century. Whenever someone tells me how good it was back then I think of one industry advancement that sums up why I'm glad to be alive right now. Dentistry.

"Even the bad things are better than they used to be. Bad music, for instance, has gotten much briefer. Wagner's Ring Cycle takes four days to perform while "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by the Crash Test Dummies lasts little more than three minutes." - P.J. O'Rourke.

Sep 15, 2005

MSNBC is now officially cool.

Thank the powers that be at MSNBC. They have now created news that people truly care about. I'm not even going to get into what the story is about, nor try and be witty. Just read and enjoy.

More women experimenting with bisexuality

"A bay area bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires." - Woody Allen

EB's ode to porn.

EB wrote a poem which I thought you might enjoy.

Once upon a screenlit morning, as I wandered, drunk and horny
Through many a sick and twisted website of “hot XX galore”—
While I right-clicked, pop-ups clanging, suddenly I stopped, haranguing
The stupid browser for its hanging, hanging as it loaded porn
“’Tis heavy traffic" I muttered, "other perverts who explore—
Only this and nothing more.”

Indistinctly I remember, maybe was it last September
I had first spied this perfect haven of no-charge hardcore?
I’d been at the bars a-hopping, trying for saliva-swapping
With the lovely creatures flopping, sopping sweat on the dance floor
With those hot, seductive creatures populating hip dance floors
Meant for me, alas, no more

Unfulfilled and unrespected, badly frustrated and dejected
Myself (and other losers disinclined to hire a whore)
Disenchantedly returned to our respective homes, apartments,
Duplexes, condominiums, or best friend’s floor
To the lurid, sleazy broadband comfort of unbridled porn
Only this and nothing more.

Lost in reverie I waited for the page to be translated
From its ones and zeros into something visual I could adore.
Though the status bar’s completing seemed instead to be retreating
Distractedly I sat repeating, beating time with heel to floor,
“’Tis only online traffic hogging up their server’s store
Perhaps they’re running NT4”

Alas, it soon became apparent bigger problems were inherent
Since the page remained aberrant, not displaying what was sworn
By the hyperlink I’d trusted to deliver what was lusted
To deliver glorious, sordid velvet volumes of delicious porn.
Clearly now that message could be read which all abhor
Quoth the server, “404”

Freaky dreams

Had another scary as hell dream last night. I was in Paris meeting up with some friends at the Louvre. CS was there and said we needed to head to the nearest Wal-Mart. Even the shoddy retail giant from Arkansas has presence in France. I asked CS why and he said we need supplies for tonight.

A bunch of us went to Wal-Mart and CS, QD, SD, AS, and RO loaded up their shopping carts with guns, knives, food, and skateboards. I inquired as to what the items was for and they said it was because the werewolves were coming out at night.

Yes werewolves.

Without arguing I loaded up the car and got in thinking this was all some sort of strange joke. CS was driving like he was in NASCAR. He stated we needed to get to this store to get AV and JL before they get eaten. RO handed me a shotgun, knife, and skateboard and went into a big speech about how these weapons were sacred.


We pull into the store and sure enough out of nowhere werewolves appeared. They were howling as they were ripping apart the walls. I looked through a window and there was AV and JL holding shotguns and looking nervous. CS, QD, RO, and I started blasting away at the werewolves.

Now if Hollywood has taught me anything it's that silver bullets are the only way to kill the wretched wolves. This is wrong. I watched RO swing his skateboard and decapitate many of the foul beasts. Bad horror pictures will lead you astray. You've been warned.

For every one we killed it seemed like 10 popped up. AV and JL made it out of the store fighting with reckless abandon. CS yelled for us to split up. We mounted our skateboards and hauled ass.

Now whoever made my skateboard must've been a magician. I was skating like it was the X-Games. Tony Hawk had nothing on me. I was rail sliding everything. Wall riding became a cinch. All the while I was unloading my shotgun, which never ran out of ammo. It was like I was in a John Woo film.

The images I saw while skating were horrific. People getting eaten. Some transforming into the cursed werewolves. Screams. Madness. It sucked. Sucked ass.

I turned around and rode backwards. I saw a whole army of them coming straight after me. I shot more and more of them, but they kept coming. Suddenly everyone else appeared. QD screamed for us to head towards the river.

I followed them as they made a jump. I launched my skateboard off of the ramp and saw a huge sea of werewolves below. You couldn't even see water there was so many. We all started unloading into them.

Dream ended before I landed.

"Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so you shall become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil." - James Allen

Ahh dear slumber.

This morning after work KM called stating the Jiggaman rescheduled an appointment for the phone guy to come in. Apparently it was for today and asked if I could let him in. Sure I thought. I'm the only one here, I need sleep, but I'll help out.

The phone guy came in and asked a bunch of questions to which I had no answer. I told him to call KM. He did and I went up to my room to get some sleep. He walked in later with more questions. I told him to call KM. He did. I went back to sleep. He walked in again with more questions. I told him to call KM. I'm not sure if he did or not cause I just went back to sleep.

He opened my bedroom door for the last time and asked me to sign some papers. I got up and did so. He made his leave and I realized I was standing there wearing nothing but undies. Yes the poor bastard was exposed to a hairy guy in boxers. I hope he doesn't sue.

"But even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked." - Bob Dylan

Sep 13, 2005

Still working on it.

So I know I told a lot of you that the film would be done already. Well RO and I are still working on it. Friday we should have things wrapped. Well maybe. I'm just the director what do I know.

I was watching the rough cut the other day and man do I suck as an actor. It was like I was channeling Keanu Reeves in my performance. Next time I act I'm going to break out into a 'whoa'.

"It's very much like filmmaking always is-you're always asked to do something that you're not sure you know how to do. So you make an educated guess as to what you think will work and you hope between that and plan B, that you can end up with a product that's really good." - John Dykstra


CA introduced me to a site called The best way to describe it is it's sort of a myspace for cats. Users can go on the site, post pictures of their cat, meet other cat lovers, and keep a daily journal of the cat's activities in the Daily Cat Diary. Oh and they all write in first person through the eyes of the cat. You can imagine how exciting this must be.

Day 3: Slept a while. Sunlight moved. Had to wake up and move with it. Slept a while. Jumped up and ran into a different room for no reason what so ever. Owner came home. Howled and moaned for food. Owner fed me. He's such my bitch. Litter box is full so I peed on the bed. Slept a while. Probably do the same thing tomorrow.

This site seems to be very popular. People are posting pics and sites all the time. According to CA other 'cats' will invite you to be their Catster buddy. They have a Kittens Only section as well.

Whoever thought of this site is a genius of the highest order. If I ever met them I would kneel in their presence. They would then smack me in the face and scream at me to leave and take my peasant academic mind with me.

This is quite possibly the funniest site I've ever seen.

"Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, pee on your owner." - Gary Smith

Welcome To Catster, Where Every Cat Has A Webpage!

Update: CA gave me the links to her Ctaster's profiles:

The most important news story ever.

A federal judge has ruled that Seattle's moratorium on the opening of new strip clubs is unconstitutional. Many women can now embrace their dreams of dancing naked on a pole, grinding some horny guys pelvic region, and snorting bad meth. The mafia is excited to have even more business fronts. Men can now find a new excuse to deplete their bank accounts for 5 minutes of attention from a girl who goes by the name 'Candy'. Women have another reason to leave their boyfriends and/or husbands. The judge's ruling works out for everybody.

RS, LO, and I went to Ricks for a birthday party once. Before we entered two girls asked if they could join us. Apparently the club will not allow women to enter the establishment alone. I guess they had too many jealous girlfriends attacking strippers.

We were seated and ordered our non-alcoholic drinks (Washington state law requires strip clubs to be dry.) The girls started asking us questions about the place and what goes on there. One of the girl's boyfriends went there a week ago and she decided to go and check it out. She bought RS a lapdance and sat next to him the whole time observing how liberal the touching rules are.

While they were gone the other girl and I started chatting. She received a huge shock when she saw her best friend's girlfriend dancing on stage. I guess the 'dancer' told her boyfriend she was a waitress. Drama then ensued. The cell phone was whipped out and the boyfriend was informed of his girlfriend's occupation. Poor bastard.

The girls stood up and made their leave. The looks on their faces made it obvious they were not happy with what they saw. I guess I was partly responsible for the break ups of people I hardly know. Sucks to be them.

"People always ask me, did I ever learn anything when I was a stripper? Yeah, I did. One man plus two beers equals 20 dollars." - Anna Nicole Smith

Seattle could soon see more strip clubs

Sep 12, 2005

Tom Delay is a dumb SOB.

While making a photo op in the Astrodome, House Majority Leader and crusader for the vegetative state voting bloc Tom Delay wandered about asking people questions about their experience through this tragedy. One of his gems was:

"Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?"

He asked this to three young boys who survived the misery that is Katrina. They all nodded their heads, but looked confused.

There have been so many asinine things said during this horrific disaster by politicians, celebrities, news broadcasters, and even fashion consultants that I could spend an hour listing them here. Yes that's right I did say fashion consultants. You'd think people in there position would use sounder judgment. Maybe I'm just expecting too much of people to use the simple virtue of reasoning when making public statements in the wake of human tragedy.

"Howard Dean is a cruel and extremist demagogue. And Howard Dean is as ignorant on John Ashcroft as he is on national security. If this cruel, loudmouth extremist is the cream of the Democrat crop, next November's going to make the 1984 election look like a squeaker." - Tom DeLay

DeLay to evacuees: 'Is this kind of fun?'

Sep 11, 2005

Those memories.

"What the hell are you doing out there?", the coach said as he slammed his fist up against the chalkboard. This was the fourth he broke this season alone.

"You guys don't get it. This is the time you'll remember forever. This is the time you'll look back on. You will tell everyone that you played high school football. You guys are playing like you don't even give a good shit."

He was probably right, at least about us not giving a damn. We were down 0-27 by halftime. Everytime the running back came in with the play coach called we would just look at each other. The looks in our eyes made it obvious that everyone in the huddle knew we were going to lose another 5 yrds at best. At worst someone was going to get injured.

Between the ages of 12 and 14 my old neighborhood buddies got together to play football in an unused field almost every day. Rain, hail, and sometimes snow couldn't keep us from playing. I was all time quarterback while SO and BR were the receivers/defensive backs. Every now and then some other kid joined us, but mostly it was us three. We had no time limits. Most of the time we didn't keep score. We just played until we were too tired to go on or if our huge distraction came by.

Buffy, Bobbie Joe, and Kim. Those three were the distraction that stopped all play. When those girls strolled by everyone stopped. It was like time froze our young hormone induced bodies and our eyes couldn't be taken off of them. This happened a few times until the unthinkable happened.

They stopped and stared right back at us. SO, BR, and I looked at each other not knowing what to do. I finally grabbed the ball and motioned them to keep playing.

We played our asses off. If a pass went a little too outside of SO or BR's reach they would both dive for it rather then just walk it out. Every kick off I bolted down the field as if I were on fire ready to pound somebody's flesh into the grass. Tackles were never this graceful.

We were sore, bruised, tired, but we played on, smiling at each other and loving this newfound attention we had been given by the ladies. I would glance over at Bobbie Joe and she would smile at me. We hadn't yet even spoken to these girls and yet we had our favorites.

After this went on for what seemed like hours all three of us just huddled and called it a day. We still had to ride to the local convenience store for reasons that escape me. We had one obstacle to hurdle. Which one would approach the girls.

We stood there and whispered while the girls kind of giggled. They must of known we were complete idiots. SO was the shy one and he made clear under no circumstances was he going to be the first to talk. BR dared me to go up to Bobbie Joe. I called him a chicken shit. After that by word of our code we both had to go up.

BR and I strolled up to them in what was probably the goofiest walk ever known to man, but we completely believed we were the coolest guys ever. Fonzi was never so bad ass as we were. BR walked up to Buffy and I to Bobbie Joe. BR said hi. The girls said hi. I said hi. SO was still back at our pretend end zone. Then it came.

That errie awkward silence. We all stood there, smiling uncomfortably not knowing what the hell to say. Finally Kim chimed in and complimented us on our game. If you stuck a needle in my head my skull would have popped.

We stood there and chatted about school and various other small talk. Bobbie Joe had to go home so I offered to take her on my bike. She sat on the seat while I peddled. I took her up to her porch and we stood there again in long silence. Her mom finally came out stating that dinner was ready. Bobbie Joe looked at me and said "See you in school" while giving a wink. She walked into the house while turning around and smiling. I mounted my bike and headed off.

Coach was correct in the fact that I'll always remember playing high school football, but it's backyard football that I'll remember fondly.

More Renton gunfire.

So I heard gunfire again tonight. This seems to be happening on a monthly basis. I was sitting on my bed watching some really bad movie when I heard it. No it was no car backfiring, it was that distinct sound of a bullet leaving it's muzzle. Haven't heard sirens yet.

This morning I awoke to find my drug addled neighbor, who has recently been kicked out of his house, throwing his body up against his garage door. I didn't even ask nor tried to stop him. I inspected the door later to find no evidence of this. Maybe I was just seeing things.

Someone has been calling me leaving strange voice mails for someone named Sarah. I've had two of them while I was at dinner this evening. I had the phone turned off so not to disturb the meal. The guy, who goes by the name of Phil, never seems to ring when I'm able to answer it. The last voice mail disturbed me so much I called Phil. The voice mail went like this:

"Sarah, it's me again. Why don't you call me? This is for real ridiculous shit. You call me. I don't want to wait for you again."

I called Phil and told him he was dialing my phone, as my voice mail greeting states. He didn't believe me at first. I think at first he thought I was sleeping with this Sarah girl. Anyways he finally apologized stating it would never happen again. He then started rambling about how "his bitch" Sarah is a "fucking whore" and sleeps with "fucking any dumb ass."

I actually started chatting with the guy telling him he shouldn't refer to women that way and if he didn't like the girl to let her go. He kept saying how he will never get played and he will "reign shit fire" on anyone who plays him. I told him I had to go and the conversation ended. This all happened on the drive home from dinner.

The gunfire kind of spooked me. First thought was Phil shooting up my car then coming after me. Knowing my luck it still may happen.

Got to have dinner with a pretty girl tonight, so it was a good day overall. A cat did decide to lick my head though, but that's a story for another blog.

"When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane." - Hermann Hesse

Sep 8, 2005

Hunter S Thompson's last words.

USA Today has released Hunter S Thompson's last writings before he took his life. His note, entitled Football Season is Over, reads:

"No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun — for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax — This won't hurt."

Dark as usual Hunter. Your real Fear and Loathing happened to be age. We still miss you.

"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." - Hunter S Thompson.

'Rolling Stone' publishes Hunter S. Thompson note

More obscenities on live news feeds.

During Vice President Cheney's trip to NOLA, the man pulling the strings gave a brief and seemingly off the cuff press conference. As Dick was telling the press the plans for cleaning up some bystander off camera made a few remarks to our second in command.

'Off camera, a protester shouts, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney. Go fuck yourself." The camera remains on Cheney while we hear scuffling in the background.

A reporter asks Cheney, "Are you getting a lot of that Mr. Vice President?"

Cheney replies, "First time I've heard it., Must be a friend of John..., er, ah - never mind." Mild chuckling was heard by the members of the press.'

Brave man. I imagine Cheney has had people killed for less. There seems to be a common theme amongst cable news networks lately and that is the F word.

"We will, in fact, be greeted as liberators." - Dick Cheney

Video of man going off on Cheney

Sports by Brooks is coming to Seattle.

Let the joyous news be spread. Sports by Brooks, a website dedicated to sports and hot girls, has decided to host a gig up here in Seattle. I am all for it. May we be graced with the presence of Fay, Kim, and/or Denise.

Strange thoughts and arrogant observations part 1: The gym

"Did you see that guy last night?" the guy on the elliptical trainer next to me said. "Boy did he get screwed. People only voted for the other guy because he's so bad and they...." My mind lost track of what he was saying so I did the typical nod your head and smile.

He was referring to an episode of American Idol, a show I'm not overly familiar with. He and the other morning workout people were expressing their dismay at the fate of one of the singers. The guy next to me decided to try and include me in their discussion, probably out of politeness. I couldn't really join in the conversation as I'm ignorant to the reality show and I'm not a good enough actor to portray an actual sense of caring about the culture of it.

He kept going on and on and finally I noticed how passionate these people were about this particular contestant. Now I've seen clips of the show where these kids sing in front of some judges. Some get publicly ridiculed while the 'talented' people go off somewhere and people get to vote on who is the best singer. It seems to be a show drenched in pop music and cruelty, which I guess is it's main appeal. Some people's entertainment is my personal hell.

As I'm doing my polite but tiresome head nod I started observing each and everyone of the cardio based workout people. I started to people watch and unfold a script for their lives.

There was the soccer mom, one of many who work out there, who goes there everyday trying to keep in shape after popping out 2.5 children. She wears what must be terribly expensive spandex outfits, shoes that she only wears to the gym, and an iPod that is hardly in use, but is always in peril of smashing to the ground. She drives an oversized SUV yet has never traversed a dirt road nor hauled anything beyond groceries. Her family has at least $10 thousand in credit card debt.

There's the middle age, divorced at least once guy who is still trying to impress the ladies despite donning a really bad mustache. He has excellent grooming techniques. Whenever anyone questions his lack of touch with his feminine side he sites that he cried during 'Legends of the Fall' and has read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. The man likes to talk about semi expensive wines and foreign cars. He often plagarizes the New York Times editorials in socio-political conversations.

There's the old couple. The wife is in good shape and the man is fat and bald. The wife wears a lot of perfume and dresses in matching outfits. The man has an old tshirt and too short shorts. They both complain about their diets the doctors have put them on. They both can recite scripts from Mattlock.

There's the 20 something hot girl. She has been working out frantically trying to get the body she had when she was 16. She constantly wonders about how she'll look after she has kids even though she's not married yet. The hot girl can't wait to land a husband so she can cut her hair short.

There's the 20 something hot guy. He has mighty biceps and toothpick legs. He often rubs his belly while working out and strategizing on how to get a washboard stomach. After every set he stands up and walks around with chest out for really no apparent reason. He watches a lot of porn and secretly loves pro wrestling. He believes the Dave Matthews Band to be just as important to American culture as Bob Dylan.

I looked around the gym and saw everybody fits into one of these nice little stereotypes I created. I feel like such an ass doing that. Here I am cynically judging all of these folks based upon their appearances when my own looks are often a ridiculous cloak of who I really am. However silly their looks and sometimes actions are they may be nice people. They could be peace corps veterans, social activists, donators of various internal organs to diseased children, etc. Maybe they're not the wayward souls lost in the mass marketed ideal of the American dream. These people could be living the lives we all wished we had the courage to pursue.

"Now if you were him, which girl would you choose?" the hot girl on the other side of me asked. She seemed genuinely shocked that I've never watched the Bachelor.

"The show's about about cruelty. That's it's success." - Simon Cowell, judge on American Idol.

Sep 7, 2005

Back on graves.

It was nice being on days, but the transistion to graveyard shift is in effect. In preperation for the shift change I tried to stay up all last night, which went reasonably well. My day of trying to sleep went awry though.

The landscapers showed up and used a small CAT to move some dirt all the while blaring latino music. I went outside and decided to sing along with them and they just stared at me. It was then I realized I was wearing boxers and an old shirt that has been slept in. They turned down the music.

My cube is situated way the hell away from everybody. I can sing old butt rock songs and no one would be the wiser. The Ukranian janitor, a.k.a. the one who bathes in perfume, came by to empty my garbage cans. She still smells something fierce. The makeup wearing security guard still talks to himself and probably still has a crush on SR. Good to see nothing has changed.

It's been 1 hr and 45 min and I haven't taken a single call.

Sep 6, 2005

The house is smoke free.

As you may be aware I've been struggling with relieving my addiction to nicotine for about a month. Now KM has decided to rid himself of the habit and the Jiggaman has given up his love affair with the tasty cloves. Yep the house is now smoker free.

While I'm proud of my roommates taking the steps to rid themselves of the risk of a trachemotomy I'm concerned about our mental health. KM owns a lot of guns. I posses super secret martial arts abilities which I learned by spending years under the study of an army of ninjas. The Jiggaman likes to show his ass a lot. This is a recipe for disaster.

I imagine myself losing the entire battle. In a horrifying nicfit, KM will load his guns and start shooting into my room. I will dodge all bullets Keanu style then punch and kick them one by one back in his direction. Maybe catch a few with my teeth. The Jiggaman will then run up the stairs and state "your skills are no match for the power of my ass" and will bend over. The force arising from his buttocks will render me helpless...soon lifeless. I'm doomed. Doomed I tell you.

It's been nice knowing you all. Well not all of you. Okay some of you.

As much as I hate the addiction there are a few things I miss about smoking. Not the act of smoking, but the people I meet when lighting up on a break at work. The Brown Bear clerk, who everytime I purchased a pack she would always call me a pet name i.e. baby cakes, hot stuff, etc. She's cute and hearing such kind words were always an ego boost. She never said it to anyone else but me of course. At least that's what I'd like to think. These things though aren't worth paying people to kill me.

"If you're smart enough to avoid smoke from a pile of burning leaves in your back yard, why would you voluntarily suck smoke from the burning leaves of a cigarette?" - Duane Alan Hahn

CNN decides a great resource for Katrina victims is the wisdom of Dr Phil.

The brainchild of Ted Turner, CNN, broadcasted Dr Phil giving advice to victims of the Katrina disaster. I didn't think it was possible to empathize more with the people who's lives have been destroyed by this, but having to listen to Dr Phil pains me to no end. I want to go and apologize on behalf of all decent Americans to each and every refugee who sat through the broadcast.

Dr Phil delivered such gems as, "The most important thing to remember is, you're not alone." Wow. Yeah people packed into sports stadiums with no food trying to sleep amongst the wails of human misery and the stench of death and fecal matter really didn't realize that they were alone in this.

I know it's kind of cliche to hate Dr Phil, but he doesn't bother me so much as CNN does for airing his simple dime store psychology.

Not to be outdone, Barbara Bush was quoted as saying "What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle)--this is working very well for them."

People say stupid things. I say them all the time. Actually, I say them way too much.....maybe I'm a dumb guy after all. Good god my 10th grade history teacher was right. I am nothing but slightly advanced tree sloth and without alcohol my place on the earth would be useless. All this time I thought I could be a Mensa scholar, and yet my destiny is to be a door greeter at Wal-Mart.

"The problem is that for women, the average time is just over 14 minutes,.. men are left with about 12 minutes during which time they need to think of something to do!" - Dr Phil

Sep 5, 2005

Draft is complete.

My Fantasy League's draft is done. Listed below are my picks this year for the almighty Nashville Tax Burdens:

RB - Ladanian Tomilson
RB - Rudi Johnson
QB - Trent Green
WR - Hines Ward
TE - Jason Witten
QB - Jake Plummer
WR - Larry Fitzgerald
K - Mike Vanderjact
D - Pittsburgh
RB - Michael Bennett
WR - Deion Branch
K - Matt Stover
TE - Daniel Graham
WR - David Given
D - Washington
RB - Thomas Jones

Not the best lineup, but not bad considering I had first pick this year. The draft went in record time with under 3 hours. We got to watch the FSU-Miami game as well. All in all a good draft.

"When one of the NFL's superstars goes down, it can devastate your football team." - Troy Vincent

Sean Hannity is wrong...again.

Sean Hannity, political talking head for Fox New's Hannity and Colmes, has his own radio show. On it he describes an 'anti-war protest' that took place outside of a soldiers funeral. Below are some quotes from the show:

Hannity: "Emotions ran high for an Army soldier's funeral in Martinsville on Sunday. Sgt. Jeremy Doyle's sacrifice brought many out to honor him, but also sparked a standoff on a city street. People arriving to say goodbye to a hometown hero met an altogether different scene in Martinsville, as demonstrators dragging American flags on the ground and holding signs opposing U.S. troops.....According to the group's website, it sees America's -- Americans' deaths in Iraq as a kind of punishment for social misdeeds....I guess this is just another example of how the anti-war left supports our brave troops."

What he left out is the group that protested the funeral was the Westboro Baptist Church which was founded by the Rev Fred Phelps. The WBC is responsible for the websites and Rev Phelps, who is quite possibly insane, believes it's a good ideas to picket funerals of homosexuals and soldiers to spread his word that America is going to be destroyed because we're "coddling homosexuals." Picketing funerals is quite possibly the lowest of the low. I'm surprised Fred Phelps hasn't been assaulted yet.

Sean Hannity decided to use this example on his show to clearly misrepresent the anti-war movement. Phelp's website clearly states "Thank God for IEDs killing American soldiers in strange lands every day. WBC rejoices every time the Lord God in His vengeance kills or maims an American soldier with an Improvised Explosive Device (IED)." To lump the WBC with someone who happens to be against the war in Iraq is ludicrous. Hannity's listeners may believe that the group was just a bunch of hippies who acted in poor taste, but in reality the group is nothing more then an anti-gay right wing nuts who arrogantly felt the family of the fallen soldier should rejoice in their loved one's death.

Hannity will still have his loyal following regardless of how often he is incorrect and/or deliberately misleading. This is a common theme amongst the personalities at Fox News. They are like gods in the eyes of their fans.

Is that "anti-war Left" or "anti-gay Right"?

Sep 4, 2005

Singing lesbians to rescue opera house - Headline brought to you by Britain's Sunday Times

This is quite possibly one of the coolest headlines ever. The journalism community stands in awe of the glorious wonder that is the editor of Britain's Sunday Times. Pullizters should be granted to all involved.

I can't for the life of me remember what the article is about, but I really don't care. When I read the headline I was hoping the story meant the London Opera House was taken over by Indonesian terrorists and a bunch of singing lesbians dressed up in historical Roman garb, armed themselves with spears and sheilds, then took back the building by force.

"I love doing lesbian love scenes. Before I did my lesbian scenes in Gia, I talked to actresses who said love scenes are easier with another woman than a man. Bound's Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly said they'd lie there and discuss the sale at Barney's between takes." - Angelina Jolie

Singing lesbians to rescue opera house

Sep 2, 2005

That's a wrap folks

Shooting is finally complete. Editing is almost done. The film should be viewable next week, well at least relatively watchable. It's pretty bad, but it was fun to do. The next project will be better though.

RO told me he won't be able to shoot 'Cheat' so it's up to me to be the cinematographer. I think I can pull it off. It's a pretty static script so complexity of lighting and camera movement will not be an issue.

"If it can be written, or thought, it can be filmed." - Stanley Kubrick

Sep 1, 2005

On a somber note.

The devastation caused by hurricane Katrina has reached far beyond my expectations. When I first heard the news about the storm I thought it would just be another light home wreckage mess. The poverty, chaos, and death toll left in Katrina's wake is a sobering reminder of how small man really is.

Mother nature has unleashed her fury once again; yet we will somehow prevail. I hope that the anarchy portrayed by our major news outlets are overexagerated, but I'm skeptical. Living conditions such as those felt in that area can cause the strongest of people to react like animals.

I have been critical of the news coverage and the administration's severe lack of communicating their grief to the citizens. I also feel angered when I think so many national guard troops are deployed overseas in an unjust conflict rather then where they should be..protecting our soil. Regardless of the rants I make about these topics, please don't misunderstand them. I do not feel callous about the people who have been stricken with this catastrophe. They deserve our relief and our prayers.

I'm proud to work for a company that has already dedicated so much to the relief of the victims of Katrina's power.

Paris Hilton is not really hot and you know it.

I saw an article today which featured the infamous porn star-suedo celeb royalty Paris Hilton and I came to the conclusion that she's not really all that attractive. Granted I'm not into the bulimic look like a lot of men are nowadays, but seriously those spacey eyes, that blank phony smile, and that tiny frame really are a turn off.

I'm sick of the media's fascination with promoting the unhealthy crack whore look. Granted girls like Paris and Lindsey Lohan are far more attractive then your typical meth addict, but would you really work all that hard to get these girls if they weren't celebrities? You would? Oh okay.

I think I was born in the wrong decade. I long for the days where the 40s pinup girl look comes back, if ever. Remember that really bad movie 'Career Opportunities' with Jennifer Connely? Man she was hot then. Now she still looks good, but that weird anorexic look makes me think she may be mainlining. Praise be to god that we have women like Salma Hayek to look at.

Bring back the Sophia Lorens, the Jayne Mansfields, the Grace Kellys. I demand it. You do it or else I'll...we'll...I'll really do nothing of any significance. I can't stray away from my time spent as an undercover spy infiltrating the dark world of international conspiracies. One day my boss may give me the assignment to drug all major magazine publishers and hypnotize them into placing hotter models on their covers, but until then I'll have to settle assassinating brutish thug rebels who are trying to take over this country's polka halls.

(It's kind of hard searching for a pic of Paris Hilton without coming across porn.)

"The body type that is being celebrated now in Hollywood is beyond the reach of of most sixth-grade girls. It's a little boy's body." - Leigh Garfield, President, New Jersey chapter of the American Anorexia and Bulimia Association.