Nov 30, 2006

I was curious as to how long it would take to develope this.

This post is for the ladies, well at least the one's who own Ipods. Since MP3 players have become all the rage numerous companies have been making accessories for them such as car adapters, home speakers, etc.

Now someone has developed a vibrator attachment for your Ipod. Apparently it moves to the beat the music and hey who doesn't want to have an orgasm while walking around with a MP3 player?

I'm kind of curious how the thing works. Like if it fries it's components if you leave it on Slayer. Then again any girl who can use heavy metal in their self pleasuring is a woman I want to marry.

"I've been looking at the iPod- the Apple iPod. One of the interesting things about the iPod, one of the things that people love most about it is not the technology; it's the box it comes in." - Donald Norman


The scramble for the television.

My lunch hour falls in the same time as our janitors. I normally enjoy watching Hardball during this time; however the janitors have different tastes. When midnight rolls around I usually dash to the breakroom hoping to grasp the remote and revel in my power to watch the show of my choice, but after a few times the janitors caught on to me. They now get there early and take command of the clicker. Now if I sit in the breakroom and eat my soup I get a dose of the most insane shows.

Today the Ukrainian janitors watched 'Beauty and the Geek season 2' which is a reality television program. The premise is that the producers pair up some really smart geeky guys with some really hot dumb girls and give them challenges. The winners of the challenges send two teams to the elimination round where the couples have to answer questions about each other's respective interest.

It's really not that bad of a show and at least it's got good eye candy, but seriously the women they picked were about as politically aware as tree sloth. During one challenge a girl was presented a picture of John Kerry and asked who he was. She had absolutely no idea. Now you don't have to be a political animal to know this man. Then again this is America. Probably more Canadians know who the Secretary of State is than Americans.

The same woman's response to how she would solve global warming was to cease production of gaseous foods. It's amazing she has the brain capacity to operate basic motor skills.

You know you're getting older when a girl's intelligence really starts to determine how attractive they are.

I hate the Ukrainian janitors now.

"I'm just a computer geek and a homebody." - Cindy Margolis

Nov 29, 2006

Language barrier

My job consists of me dealing with clients from all over the world. See my company does have subsidiaries located in various countries, but all of them, sans Japan, run on a 9-5 Mon-Fri shift in their local time. When they close and one of our large customers has a problem they get routed to the US. This can lead to some difficulties as one can imagine. Actually it may even lead to a raging alcohol bender that has me waking up in German brothel with a tortoise and no recollection of the past two weeks.

Take this call I had a while back for example:

Me: I see your phone number here is listed as xx-xxx-xxx-xx (international dialing standard). Is that correct?
Customer: number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
Me: Yes I'm here. Thank you. That's the same number I have listed here. Is there an alternate phone number you'd like to leave with us?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
Me: Yes I'm still here. That's the primary number I have for you. Would you like to leave another phone number with us in case we have difficulty reaching you at the one you provided?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
Me: Yes I'm still here sir. (I gave up trying to get another phone number out of him.) I see your email address is Is that correct?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?
Me: Yes I'm still on the line sir. I have your phone number listed correctly. Can you please confirm your email address?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?

My patience is weaning, but this is a large client with a serious issue that must be handled with the greatest of care.

Me: Okay sir I understand your phone number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. I do have that listed for you and if we get disconnected I'll call you back at that number. Now I see you're having an issue with (insert long geek language technical problem).
Customer: My number is xx-xx....
Me: ...Sir. Please I don't need to know your phone number. Just please confirm that this is the issue you are having.
Customer: My number is...
Me: ...Sir please is there anyone else available that I can speak with?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Great. May I speak with him please?
Customer: My number is xx-xxx.....
Me: ....Sir, sir, sir. We are having communication issues here. I need you to find someone that I can speak with in regards to the issue you are having. Please put them on the phone so we can begin getting someone to fix this issue. I no longer need your phone number.
Customer: ......
Me: Sir?
Customer: I speak English no.
Me: You speak English no?
Customer: Hello?
Me: Yes?
Customer: English no.
Me: Do you have anyone who can speak English?
Customer: English no.
Me: Okay. Your account does provide for translator services. What languages can you speak? (The customer was calling from Singapore which means he could be speaking any number of dialects and I wasn't going to wake up each and every translator just to find out which one can handle this).
Customer: My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx. Hello?

After a few minutes the customer got frustrated and finally got someone on the phone who could speak English.

Me: Hi my name is Erik. May I have your name please?
Customer: Yes my name is Ying. My number is xx-xxx-xxx-xx.
Me: So I'm told.

I need to drink more.

"Viewed freely, the English language is the accretion and growth of every dialect, race, and range of time, and is both the free and compacted composition of all." - Walt Whitman

Nov 28, 2006

Even I can enjoy shopping.

Snow. I love it. I love everything about it. I look outside the window and still marvel at the magic the sky brings with it's beautiful snowflakes. I feel like a kid every time I stomp around in white covered grass or when I curl up inside with a cup of hot cocoa. I even enjoy driving in it. I do love the slow pace while I trek through the roads taking a peek at the trees with their silver lined branches.

Well I seem to be in the minority around here. Last night I was in west Seattle watching the football game with my buddy Joe and his girlfriend Megan. They cooked up a nice meal and we had a good time watching the snow fall on the players. Megan offered to have me stay there if the roads were too bad and at first I was skeptical as I pride myself on being somewhat proficient in the snow, but decided to take them up on their offer.

Next day you would think Armageddon hit Seattle. The roads were somewhat icy, but the local news anchors were constantly reporting accidents and icy conditions and warning people to stay at home. Not heeding their advice I decided to hit the roads and found them to be pretty much clear. In fact most of the freeways were completely snow free.

I got the bright idea to do some Christmas shopping as I figured hardly anyone would be out today. Well I was right. I went to Barnes & Noble, the mall, and Toys R Us and found it to be a good experience. I never had to stand in line, got help when I needed it, and had no trouble finding parking. It was incredible. I got 3/4 of my holiday shopping done within the span of a few hours. It's a Christmas miracle and all it had to take was panicky Seattlites.

Of course my boss called to make sure I would make it in tonight. I find this funny cause he didn't brave the roads to come in today. He says his car wouldn't make it. I think my boss is a smart man and I'm happy he doesn't read this.

"As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words." - William Shakespeare

Nov 25, 2006

It's cool being me.

In honor of Rawbean's request I will write why it's easier to be a guy than a woman. If you're already sick of my over opinionated rants then this post may not be for you.

I love being me and not just because I'm the best looking guy ever, well not really, but still being a man is simple. I'll never have to suffer childbirth nor has anyone ever called me a dirty whore, well at least to my face. I've never had someone tell me I would look better in expensive makeup. If I ever run for politics the fact I have a penis will increase my odds at winning. A lot of men expect women to look like Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johannson, Grace Kelly, or Audrey Hepburn. I've never felt frightened on a date. In the rare occurrence a girl actually hits on me and if I'm not interested I can simply tell them that and they leave me alone. Hygiene is less complicated for me. I use less toilet paper.

I really could go on forever about this.

There are a few difficulties being male. You are expected to take out the trash, open jars, fight a group of bikers if they comment on your girlfriend's boobs, and always give the right answer to difficult questions. You know what questions I'm talking about. 'Do I look fat in this' is always a terror. Breaking up with women can be a harrowing experience. Some men feel compelled to always buy the drinks.

The most frustrating thing is trying to decipher female speak. Having to crack the code that is what women say and what they really mean can be as simple as quantum physics. I believe this is the reason men die before women.

All that being said I'm not the bastion of masculinity I'd like to be. I sit in a cubicle at work instead of cracking skulls in mixed martial arts fighting. I like musicals, romantic comedies, and theatre. Andrea once said I'm the most feminine man she's ever met. I would've cried when she said that, but I never cry...ever...

I'm so glad I'm male.

"To me the definition of true masculinity - and femininity, too - is being able to lay in your own skin comfortably." - Vincent D'Onofrio

Nov 24, 2006

Another reason to be thankful.

Today was a bitter sweet Thanksgiving for me and my family. My folks came into town and met up with me at my cousin's place for a nice meal. Since I'm a night owl I figured it would be a hearty breakfast before I go into work.

My father started acting strange as he excused himself shortly before mealtime and got into the car and started talking on the phone. My mom asked me to check on him and he said everything was okay as he wanted to have a private conversation. Turns out dad was on the phone with the hospital as he thought he had symptoms of a stroke. When dad decides to go to the doctor on his own accord and not because of my mother's constant nagging you know something is awry.
Mom asked me to take him to Overlake hospital requesting she could come as well. I told her to stay put and enjoy the meal as I had everything under control and this was probably nothing. I took dad in and preliminary results showed no signs of stroke, but rather a low carbon dioxide level in the blood due to stress.
My father is going in for surgery in a few weeks for a clogged artery in his neck so that may account for some of his worries. Still having to stand there with him in the ER joking around with him as we poked fun at his condition was an eye opening experience. I imagined myself now being the parent, having to act solid as a rock fielding frantic calls from my family ensuring everyone that the situation was fine and I had complete control of the situation.
They probably knew it was a lie. Internally I was freaked the fuck out. I looked at my father lying in that bed wondering how he must have felt seeing my mom, sister, or myself in the hospital gowns all those times. Some of those incidents where I was admitted were due to my stupid behavior as a teen which made me feel even more grief. He was the one who had to comfort the family in my time of medical crisis. He had to be the one to deliver the message that all was well in our world when the truth was he had really no idea. In days like these I realize how hard being a man can be, although I will admit it's easier than being a woman.
It goes without saying that I didn't get to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal as after dad was released I had to go into work, but this day gave me another reason to be thankful.
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." - Jon Stewart

Nov 22, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tomorrow will be a rather exhausting holiday as I'll be getting off work in the morning, sleeping for a few hours, going to my cousins for an early dinner, then back to work. God I can't wait till I'm back on days.

Regardless I hope everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving, cept those damn Black Friday shoppers. I used to work retail and that day was a frightful one indeed. Shoppers were lined up early in the morning well before the store opened. Walking past them was similar to strolling past sweaty toothed madmen locked in cells. Their eyes piercing me almost begging me to open the store early. The looks on their faces said it all. They were there to save money and they would kill indiscriminately to preserve their entitlement to low cost products.

I would stand at the camera counter (I sold camera products for a department store) before the store opened dreading the minute the doors were unlocked. 15 minutes before that horrific experience the staff was lined up in the back of the store, chain smoking and contemplating new career aspirations. Cigarettes were then put out, uniforms were straightened, and we walked to our respective stations expecting the worst.

The doors would then open. Customers would file in walking at a brisk pace, eyeballing each other, then matching pace with a faster person till they were almost in a dead sprint. It was like watching animals being released into the wild.

One Black Friday was quite memorable. Polaroid at one time sold actual 35mm film, but decided to discontinue it after poor sales. Someone in that company decided to sell the product on that day for a dollar a role. First customer I helped bought every single roll we had, which equated to around $200.

This did not please everyone else looking for it. I stood there for the next few hours fielding questions like:

"What do you mean your sold out?"
"What do you mean they stopped making them?"
"What do you mean you won't be carrying anymore?"
"What do you mean someone bought the whole stock?"

This of course led to my favorite conversation that day. I had the bright idea that putting a sign over the Polaroid film bid stating 'sold out' might deflect some people from asking questions they already knew the answers to. This did little if any to keep people from bothering me and other co-workers. One particular gentleman didn't like the what the sign had to tell him.

"I see the sign says 'sold out'," he said in a gruff voice.

"Yes sir," I said. "Someone bought our entire stock of film when the store opened."

"Well can I get a rain check on that?" he asked. A reasonable request I thought.

"Sorry sir," I replied. "Polaroid has stopped production on 35mm film."

"Soooooo," he said shaking his head at me.

"So since they stopped making them we won't be carrying it," I said trying not to sound condescending.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked. I wonder what answer he was looking for, but I have a feeling that whatever I told him wouldn't suffice.

"I mean sir," I replied. "That we won't be carrying the product as it will no longer exist." The look on his face made it obvious that wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"Is there anyway I can buy this as YOU advertised? I mean you did say you were going to sell this and since you're sold out I deserve something. I have the ad right here."

"Sorry there's nothing I can do. We simply can't sell a product that we can't possibly carry."

"Yeah but it says here on the ad that you're selling it."

"And we did sir."

"So it's your job to provide it to me."

"Sir as the ad states we only have a limited supply," I said as he was searching for the words on the page. He was hoping to catch me in a lie.

"That's bullshit," he yelled.

"Sorry sir."

"I don't appreciate your tone."

"I'm sorry you don't appreciate my tone sir." I still don't know what he was referring to.

"I'm going to talk to your manager," he said all threatening like.

"Okay sir," I said. "Her name is Michelle. You can find her up at the 1 hour photo. I can call her and ask her to come here if you like?" About that time I gave up on appearances and decided to let it be known that I couldn't give a damn.

"No," he said pointing his finger at me. "I'll go up there."

"Very good sir," I said turning away to help someone else who probably had a 'what do you mean' question.

"Oh fuck you," he yelled.


"I'll be outside when you get off work," he threatened. I looked behind him and saw his wife holding an infant. Maybe the kid's his, maybe not. I don't know what possessed the man to pick a fight with me in front of his family as he didn't look like the sort of person who could handle himself in a brawl, but I first thought it best to use decorum.

"Sir I don't think that's necessary and I'm sorry I made you angry. If you're upset with my service I suggest you speak with my manager."

"Nah I'll be awaiting for you outside punk," he promised.

That did it for me.

"Great," I said. "I get off at 3pm."

His jaw dropped. He stood in silence for a few seconds thinking of his next words. You could sense the wheels in his head were turning.

"Well...uhh...I don't think you understand. I'll be out there waiting for ya."

"I understand," I said maintaining my 'don't give a shit' attitude. "I'll be off at 3pm. I'm parked near the Chinese restaurant."

"Uhh...well...good. See ya then pal," he replied. He took his wife by the arm and walked away. I could hear his wife berating him for being an asshole as they mozied down an aisle.

Of course he never showed up at 3pm. I would like to sit here and make you think I was this fearless youngin who never backed down from a fight, but truth be told I was nervous this guy would come back with a gun. He didn't seem all that stable.

The day wore on with me reiterating the phrase "sorry were sold out" more times than I care to remember. Other events happened that day such as two guys getting into a fistfight over the last bread maker, numerous threats of a lawsuit, and various obscenities being hurled by customers who were late in receiving the privilege of a low cost item.

As I drove away from the store after my shift I sat and thought about how ironic it is that millions of Americans gourde themselves giving thanks for the many luxuries our society provides them and yet the next day they turn into those who feel entitled to everything. So quickly have they forgotten that they could live in a third world country or be the victims of violent crime. All it takes to turn people from civilized human beings to raging psychos is a sale.

I think all genocidal leaders have once worked retail in their lives.

So with that I ask you this Thanksgiving to truly understand the blessed lives you lead and to not forget it as you wander about in public. I have many things I'm grateful for. My family, my friend, my health (physically at least), and most of all the Pretty Girl.

Happy Thanksgiving from the folks at Erik's Ramblings.

"Pride slays thanksgiving, but a humble mind is the soil out of which thanks naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves." - Henry Ward Beecher

Nov 21, 2006

Godfather wine.

I really enjoy a good bottle of wine, but I can't bring myself to be a snob of the beverage. When I do come across a nice glass of vino I'm thankful that I came across it; however I hate having to put so much research, energy, and money into finding a good bottle and then discovering it to be a) overrated, b)overpriced, c) just damn awful, d) all of the above.

I was at a vineyard a few years back tasting the wines offered. Some who know me may find this image amusing as I've indicated before I'm no connoisseur and a good porter is my alcohol of choice. I tasted one particular wine and it was rather flavorful, but I won't sit here and tell you I was a master at the art of picking it apart. I felt kind of stupid actually while I was sipping away noticing everyone else there was holding the glass to the light and commenting on opacity and tannins and terms no one should care about. It was then I thought of a saying I heard when looking at a painting, "over analyzing this takes away the emotional immediacy of the print. Do you want to sit and debate the merits of the brush strokes or would you rather enjoy the art?"
I actually bought a bottle of the wine I liked. When I got home and opened it it ended up tasting nothing like the samples at the vineyard. I'm thinking the wine I tried was first press while the bottle was like seventh.
While I love to pick apart movies, music, and literature I believe most foods can simply be enjoyed, but I guess this sets me apart from the people who know wines. You know the type. Once wine comes up in a conversation they proudly exclaim their scholastic approach to purchasing and consuming their favorite beverage and sometimes it can annoy the living hell out of me.
"Fight Club" did nothing for those folks.
I guess you're wondering what the point of this post is.
My cousin invited me to his place for Thanksgiving and I offered to bring something. Of course alcohol seemed appropriate as I can't cook all that well. I went to the wine section at 'Safeway' and to my surprise the store sections off some of their wine. One section was for bottles that went well with beef, poultry, or seafood. This was helpful as I'm clueless about what compliments turkey, so I browsed the poultry section. I couldn't decide on a bottle when I finally came across Francis Ford Coppola wine. Yes one of my favorite directors has a vineyard so I said what the hell. It's all a crap shoot anyways. Hopefully he'll put more quality into his wine then some of his latest films.
I bought a six pack of beer in case the man behind The Godfather's wine isn't such a big hit.
"Art depends on luck and talent." - Francis Ford Coppola

Nov 18, 2006

Wiwille analyzes celebrity culture, questions his own mental stability.

I'm a huge hypocrite. Yes I sure am. I sit here and rag on celebrity culture and the people who follow it, but really I'm no different. I follow politics and partially for it's drama. The difference is that the powerful people I follow place our world's lives at stake. Celebrities well they just make a bad movie, album, etc. Life goes on without them.

So taking a step back from writing about religious and political tension, tonight I'll focus on the mundane environment that is stardom.

Paris Hilton. We all know her and most of us hate her, yet know can stop talking about her for reasons we don't understand. I'm sure someday universities will offer courses analyzing her celebrity. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I see a day where I can sit down and watch or read a legitimate news source and not find an article/segment that mentions her. When that day comes I'll light a bonfire, strip down to a loin cloth, and dance around said fire in joyous celebration.

You may call me naive to think that the walking STD will ever be completely out of the news, but I think that day will arrive. It will take a lot from us and other celebrities. The public will simply have to stop reading and watching her while the famous bash her and stop inviting her to red carpet events. Hey if we can elect the Democrats back into office then we can give Paris the boot. Just like forest fires, only you can prevent stupid whores from achieving stardom.

I recently read an interview Tina Fey gave Howard Stern about Paris's appearance on Saturday Night Live. Tina gave the impression that everyone in the cast hated the vapid slut stating "She's a piece of shit. The people at SNL were like maybe she'll be fun, maybe she won't take herself so seriously. She takes herself so seriously! She's unbelievably dumb and so proud of how dumb she is. She looks like a tranny up close."

I think that's an insult to transvestites.

It's amazing to me to think that everyone is so hot for Paris and I'm far more attracted to Tina. Don't really know why that is.

What's funny is that when people ask me about how I feel about others who don't vote along the same lines as I do I find myself not really questioning their character. I guess I've grown to understand there are good people on both sides of any issue. That being said I now fantasize about standing outside my local Barnes & Noble waiting to find someone who purchased a copy of OJ Simpson's book and beating them senseless and sodomizing them with a sword.

I'm kind of a weird guy when I think about it.

"I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character." - Tina Fey

Tina Fey: Paris Hilton Is A “Piece of Sh-t”

Nov 16, 2006

Wiwille is not that mature.

Listed below is a conversation I had with a customer tonight.

Me: I have you listed here as Richard, but your email address states Rick.
Do you go by Rick or Richard?
Rick: You can call me Rick.
Me: And your last name is James?
Rick: Yep.
Me: .......
Rick: Don't say it man.
Me: I promise you I won't.
Rick: Good. I'm so sick of hearing that.

Poor guy, but honestly when the customer asked for something it took all I had not to scream "I'll get right on it, cause YOU'RE RICK JAMES BITCH." Damn you Chappelle for not coming up with some other annoying, mildly clever catch phrase that white people can use consistently well after it stopped being funny.
"If anything I consider myself non-violent, I'm from the hippy era, peace, love, groovy." - Rick James

Nov 15, 2006

And some think this is a bad thing.

Some women don't know how good they have it. An article claims that persistent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS) is afflicting numerous women causing them to have multiple orgasms throughout the day. It goes on to say that these women are suffering these states of arousal due to small things such as someone tapping them on the shoulder and having a cell phone vibrate.

Some women never actually achieve one in their life and here there are females who experience a few a week. I guess life would really suck for them actually. There are many places you wouldn't want to have a spontaneous orgasm such as church, job interview, any time spent with family, etc.

Amazing I've never heard of this before, then again I've never tapped a woman on the shoulder and made them climax. If that did happen and I had no knowledge of this medical condition I would immediately declare myself a superhero and call myself The Orgazinator while constantly tapping on women's shoulders. With the superhero outfit I have in my mind I'd probably get thrown in jail.

The article does talk about another amazing thing and that is Magna artist Akira Narita, who claims to have slept with over 1,000 women, as he describes his experience meeting girls with this condition.

1,000 women? I mean seriously does the sex get old after say 728? I cry bullshit of course, cause I don't see how anyone could get anything done trying to bang that many women. Plus the fact he hasn't contracted something deadly is rather unusual.

"I almost bumped into Alec Baldwin and then turned around and Paris Hilton was standing there. And I was like, 'Look, it's stupid spoiled whore.'" - Trey Parker

Deadly 'iku iku byo' reaches a climax

Nov 14, 2006

Overrated books part 1.

This is probably the first and only time I'll write about literature as I scarcely read modern fiction. It's not that I'm some book snob, far from it actually, but most of my reading is spent on non-fiction. I do delight in some fiction though as Steinbeck has always been one of my favorites and most do make the claim that Hunter S Thompson is more fantasy than reality, of which I'd agree.

There is a phenomenon going on that was started by Dan Brown when his book 'The DaVinci Code' was published. Critics and readers praised the book to no end as a smart, engaging thriller. It's conspiracy theory became an institution unto itself as other authors released more literature about it. One browsing for the DaVinci Code could become easily confused as there were other books about the subject called Unlocking DaVinci's Code: Mystery or Conspiracy?, Cracking the DaVinci Code, and Exposing the DaVinci Code just to name a few.

I kind of felt I was missing out on the whole bandwagon and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I heard from most of my friends that I wouldn't like it as far as the prose was concerned, but the story was somewhat fun. Well they were right.

I read 'Holy Blood, Holy Grail', of which DaVinci Code is based on, as a young lad, probably too young to understand it, but found it rather dull. Still I picked up the DaVinci Code hoping for at least a 'smart, engaging thriller.' Well the book was hardly that smart, but it was somewhat entertaining.

The prose is simple, the pacing is annoying, and the characters are mostly uninteresting. The plot devices are less clever than the author (and sometimes audience) think, but it's engaging enough to keep you reading. While you may roll your eyes at the silly code breaking sequences and ludicrous theory it's still a fun romp. Any reasonably intelligent individual would see the answers to the puzzles a mile away and the big revelations are anything but surprising, but they'll keep reading to hopefully come across one that'll really challenge them.

As I read it I couldn't help but think why this book is such a huge success. I mean seriously it's not great nor is it even that good. Looking back at times when I would listen in on conversations about the book I find myself realizing exactly why people love it.

People love conspiracy theories and the book makes them feel smart.

The book is littered with all sorts of historical references, some of which are in tune with the story and some are, well, not. You find all sorts of tidbits of information, such as the real meaning behind giving someone bunny ears in a photo, and you feel like you've learned something. Even though the story is fiction the author outlines the material in such a way that you feel the references to ancient religions are true, although I believe most readers made no effort to look it up and confirm it.

I have a friend who actually believed the book's theory. Seriously he bought the idea that Jesus survived the crucifixion and has a bloodline that he started with Mary Magdalene. Although he made no effort to look up any of the references he accepted the idea and became an armchair expert in the field. Another friend who heard the theory before reading the book challenged my Catholic upbringing with this pearl of wisdom:

Him: Did you hear they found evidence of Jesus marrying Mary Magdalene?

Me: Yes I've heard about it.

Him: So isn't crap that the Catholic church doesn't allow priests to marry?

Me: Well since no one has found any evidence of either of the two even existing, much less procreating, I cry bullshit at anyone who believes in such a theory. Besides it's not like the Vatican is forcing people into the priesthood. People make choices. If you want to get married don't become a priest, monk, etc.

He looked away, paused for a long time, and said "yeah but..." which normally means he has nothing to counter with, but I guess he still feels compelled to crusade for a priest's right to matrimony.

Conspiracy theories are popular, because a lot of times they're easier to accept than the truth or even conventional wisdom. It can be simpler to digest the idea that the government was behind 9/11 than a bunch of fanatics carrying out a plot that beguiled our intelligence. By that same logic people will find it easier to believe that Christ was simply a man and not a divine being sent by a supreme intelligence. I can understand why the public will hold such theories as I am a fan of them myself, but to accept them as cardinal truth simply by reading grocery store fiction is just mind boggling. They succumb to be exactly like the people they look down upon which is those who accept scripture.

After finally finishing the book I do understand it's success. Books, like film, can live or die on their subject matter and marketing alone, quality be damned. That being said it's an easy, fun little read and if your expectations are low then you'll enjoy this novel.

No I haven't seen the movie yet.

"Though the book has apparently entertained about a quarter of the world’s population, it’s nothing more than a slim, overcomplicated premise supported by characters that are about as three-dimensional as the guests at Charles Grodin’s “party” in The Lonely Guy and dressed up in overheated prose that makes Dean Koontz look like Gore Vidal." - Jeremy C. Fox

Nov 11, 2006

An anti-Seattle rant, with my comments included of course.

My friend sent me a link to Craig's List where a person decided to rant about how he hates Seattle and everyone in it. Listed below is his rant with my comments in red:

I hate you all

You can't drive in the rain and it rains 6 months out of the year. (This is only partially true. Seattle people can't drive worth shit rain, snow, sleet, nor sunshine.) You have no tans (That's a reason to hate us? It's like this guy is demanding white people need to go fake and bake and enjoy the benefits of skin cancer. Weird.) or inclination of what the fuck to do when the sun comes out (?). You slurp down coffee as quick as the liberal bullshit you swallow. (Damn you coffee slurpers. I hate your caffeine drinking habits.) Your women are tree hugging feminist (I've met tree huggers. I've met feminists. I've never met a tree hugging feminist though. I guess I need to get out more.) with more bush than the oval office (I guess this guy is a proponent of women shaving themselves to look like 12 year olds, which is messed up when you really think about it. Dude one day it'll be trendy for guys to do it and I fear that day as much as Armageddon. Regardless that line he wrote was pretty clever) Your micro brews are shit (Now you've done it. You've attacked our coffee and women, but now you've attacked our glorious beer. Them is fighting words pal.) as well as most of your sports teams (Yeah you got a point there. Seahawks are way overrated and I'll have granchildren before the Mariners or Sonics see a championship. But hey what about the Seattle Storm? Oh I guess only those tree hugging feminists watch the WNBA). Your city engineers could not build a fucking road wide enough to fit 2 meth heads side by side. (Yeah our transportation system is beyond ludicrous). You wouldn't notice because your to busy talking on your fucking cell phone (Yeah and that's a problem only limited to Seattle. You sure won't find that in LA or Miami). Your hospitality is as warm as your weather. (Did you really have to steal that line from 'Robin Hood Prince of Theives'. I mean seriously what do you expect? Should we invite strangers into our homes for dinner and have them sodomize our wives in the back of our gas guzzling SUVs?) I think starbucks sucks ass (Yeah I hate that law that says you must drink it too) and I am going to shoot myself if I hear one more fucking fund raiser on your shit radio stations (Two words - satellite radio. Or better yet just go ahead and shoot yourself.) Your so narrow minded the only comment you can counter with is how poor my fucking spelling and grammer are. (Well I can't counter with that. The whole stones and glass condos thing bites me in the ass again.) Thats ok I didn't really expect much more. (Well you won't mind this post then) I wouldn't want you to have to think any more than your piss poor public education has taught you. If it was not for the hookers that walk Federal Way (there are hookers in Federal Way?), you wouldn't have any tourist attractions. (You want gaudy theme parks filled with annoying tourists? Dude move to Miami or So Cal.) Your six flags is about 4 flags short of a theme park. (And oh how ashamed we are of that) One more thing before I go (Oh yes please fill us with more of your widom). If my little rant has upset you (Yes your opinion means everything to me), enjoy the fact that your freedom of speech and right to express yourself was protected by the very soldiers your fucking hippie parents spent their youth shitting on (Yeah go ahead and place that yellow ribbon on your car oh glorious defender of our fighting forces. Whatever makes you sleep better). I hate you all. (Then move or pick fights with every single one of us. You can start with me).

I can't imagine how your charming personality doesn't help you fit in with us Seattlites. Seriously if your life sucks that much here in the northwest make a change you coward.

"My wife and I just prefer Seattle. It's a beautiful city. Great setting. You open your front door in the morning and the air smells like pine and the sea, as opposed to bus exhaust." - Ron Reagan

Nov 9, 2006

Overrated films part 18.

It's been a while since I've written about film, but after this I'm sure you'll never trust my judgement on movies again. I really have a hard time convincing people I'm right about everything. Sigh...maybe one day.

Like almost all overrated films I rant about Scarface is not a bad film, but it's not great either. The intriguing aspect of this movie is that you will hail it as one of the best films ever, but you know deep in your heart it's just a B movie with cool dialogue. Pacino's performance is way over the top as is the film's style, including it's ridiculous montage sequence, but you know what? It works. The simple story of the rise and fall of a drug kinpin sucks you in partially because of it's camp.

Time has been good to this film as now it's been embraced as a ganster classic. Even the hip-hop community has shown warmth to this DePalma film which found it's way into entertaining a new generation.

The over the top performances, gawdy settings, horrific music, and shoddy photography really make watching this film an experience you won't likely forget. You know it's bad, but it's so damn cool you can't take your eyes off it.

"To be honest, Scarface isn't exactly what you could call a 'good' movie. It's overwritten, overacted and overdirected (not to mention overlong). And yet, against the odds, it still works." - Ethan Alter

Nov 8, 2006

Such an interesting day.

Today is a huge news day. The election results are in and the Democrats have control over Congress. The second most hated man in the administration has stepped down. The Dow-Jones has seen another huge spike. Israel has attacked a Palestinian settlement mistakenly targeting civilians which has Hamas calling for open war with the US.

Given all that's going on in the body politic the one story that's become the real water cooler topic has not been the outing of corrupt, incompetent Republicans. Rather than discussing the drama on the beltway people are enthralled by the far more important tale of a man struggling for identity as he was placed upon the mantle of pop royalty only to see it collapse underneath him while being informed of his marital doom via electronic messaging. This man rose up above all odds, hated by the press, public, and anyone who harbored the delusion that sleeping with his wife was a possibility. He disregarded such criticisms and fought his way into the pop lexicon releasing an album that critics bashed, but that man knew his art was only misunderstood. He believed rightly that his music would live on for generations to come. Statues will be erected in his honor and much like other geniuses this young man's legacy will triumph for a millennia. Yes it is this man, a wayward soul of sorts, who motivated himself to work hard to bring you lyrics peppered with street cred that secretly makes 50 Cent jealous. Yes that...

Okay I can't type this anymore. Screw K-Fed. Screw his numbskull ex-wife. Screw them for pushing their trailer trash drama unto us. Actually they didn't push it onto us. We demand it. Yeah. Screw the bloggers who blog about it...oh wait...

I'm not what you call uppidy people call smart.

"The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff." - Britney Spears

Nov 7, 2006

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Today I did my civic duty and voted. Some people view the task with disdain, but I am a fan of voting. I love the little power I have to dictate whether someone gets to work in Washington or not.

I was at the voting polls at a fire station near my place. When I walked out a lady approached me with a clipboard. She said she was from the Seattle P.I. and wanted to ask me some questions. She first asked me about my race, income, sexual orientation, etc. She then started drilling me about who I voted for and why. This took awhile and she was snotty through out the thing.

Her: Did you vote for xxxx?
Me: Why yes. Yes I did.
Her: Why?
Me: Cause I felt they're the best candidate.
Her: Nice answer. You don't have to be sarcastic.
Me: I wasn't being a smart ass. Sorry if I came....
Her: Never mind. Did you vote yes or no on ballot measure xxx?
Me: I voted xxxxx.
Her: Now why would you do that?
Me: Cause I thought....
Her: Forget it.
Me: Okay.
Her: Now I guess I know how you voted on this ballot measure.
Me: You're quite the sage of the polls.
Her: Yeah. Anyways now assuming you voted xxxx why did you vote that way?
Me: Cause I want more nudity on HBO!!
Her: .......

She thanked me for my time and bothered someone else. I've actually used that line on other annoying pollsters, but I think this time got the best reaction.

I came home and turned on the TV watching the election results. My roommate Kris came in and asked me how my day went.

Me: I just went and voted and harassed a snotty pollster.
Kris: Awesome. I voted absentee and wrote in Tad (our other roommate) for most of the positions.
Me: If he wins I'm so kicking your ass.
Kris: No way. If he wins every second Monday would be free ice cream day.
Me: That would rock.

"I am at liberty to vote as my conscience and judgment dictates to be right, without the yoke of any party on me." - Davy Crockett

Nov 3, 2006

Yes it's easy to fool people.

I had a conversation with a customer tonight that was transferred to me for reasons unknown. I was assisting her with something and she decided to make small talk. Here is how the conversation went:

Customer: I saw a guy called Borat tonight on TV. Are you familiar with him?
Me: Yes I am.
Customer: Do you think the guy's for real?
Me: I'm sorry?
Customer: Like is he really from that country?
Me: No mam he's not from Kazakhstan. It's just a comedian doing a schtick. He actually had a show called 'Da Ali G Show' a while back. It's just one of his many characters.
Customer (to husband): Honey apparently the guy's not real.
Husband: Yeah I thought so.

I should've told her Borat was real and Homeland Security is now investigating him under suspicion of espionage. They probably would've bought it.

"Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships." - Sacha Baron Cohen

A vampire I will no longer be.

So I've made a decision to finally go back to working the days. No longer will my nights be spent at a cubicle. Instead I'll be too occupied drinking heavily, having pillow fights with hot supermodels, stampeding cattle, and bailing myself out of jail. Actually that's not really the truth since I can't afford bail.

About once every few months my coworkers go through a schedule change where we get to choose the shifts we want and our manager assigns them accordingly. Since we're a service delivery model we must have coverage 24x7. After long thought and a discussion with my manager I decided that it would be better for me personally and professionally if I go back to days.

This won't happen for quite some time; however there are things that I'll miss dearly about working nights. Listed below is a few:

Privacy - There's almost no one in the building at nights so really I could take off my pants and none would be the wiser. Not that I would do that mind you. I swear I'm not typing this naked.

Stress - Given the low volumes during the evenings stress is not much of a factor. Plus there's less politics when you're only working with one other person.

Guy talk - Everyone who works nights is male and yes we do engage in loud man talk. We discuss in all manners of language that can be foul topics that shouldn't be spoken in polite company.

Farts - When you're virtually alone you don't really have to be polite. Now I'll have to excuse myself whenever I'm having a particularly gassy day instead of letting em rip in my cube.

Pay - My company pays me ten percent more to work nights. Not that I need the money, but I will miss it.

Temptation to spend more - When you work days you find yourself going out to lunch and/or happy hour. In the land of graveyards that isn't the case. If you don't bring your lunch you don't eat and happy hour is not that fun at seven in the morning.

There are many other reasons I'll miss working nights; however I think the change will be good for me. The real reason behind it all is I'm starting to notice how much time is spent at work when it could be better spent with friends and family. After the passing of my friend Kevin I truly understand how important that time can be.

"I have never met a vampire personally, but I don't know what might happen tomorrow." - Bela Lugosi

Nov 1, 2006

Makes me proud.

I've been browsing many sites tonight looking at clever costumes people posted. While most of them are your standard 'Halloween has really brought out my inner whore' there are a few that have made me laugh.

Don't get me wrong I'm very happy that we have a holiday that gives women an excuse to don themselves in outfits that would get them arrested 30 years ago, but still if you've seen one hot girl wearing a Wonder Woman outfit you've seen them all. Wait did I just type that?

Still the one costume that really grabbed me didn't even feature a hot girl. In fact it was in tribute to a television show I held dear in my youth. Seeing this couple dress up as two of my favorite characters almost brought a tear to my eye. If you don't get somewhat emotional viewing the picture below you have a cold black heart, or maybe a life. I shouldn't have to explain who they are.

And yes I did have to include a pic of Alyssa Milano in costume. Why? Cause this is my blog damnit and any day paying tribute to her is a good day indeed.

"Because Kevin was such an affable guy, many people feel close to him. So, when they approach me, people feel like they're being reunited with an old pal-with all the warmth and nostalgia one would have with a true friend. I'd much prefer that to having people not like me right off the bat." - Fred Savage