Aug 31, 2005

Arizona Daily Star drops Ann Coulter

The Arizona Daily Star decided to quit publishing Ann Coulter's column aptly named 'Shrill'. I don't find this person so offensive as most as I've never really taken her seriously. She has a tongue in cheek approach to try and piss off everyone, but she amuses me to some degree even though I'm not laughing with her.

I remember years ago she used to have a column in Newsweek. She dedicated on essay about how hard it was getting a date in Washington D.C. (Jessica Cutler apparently had no problem.) Can you imagine what a nightmare it would be to take her out? Not only would you have to convince your friends that she's not a man, but just agreeing on a place would be hell.

Me: Want to go for a walk in the park?
Ann: Parks!!!! Parks are nothing but liberal designed beautification projects that could be better used for the private market. Parks are nothing but a communist plot.
Me: How about we have some dinner? Sushi?
Ann: Sushi!!! Foreign food is just another way those furry hat wearing pinkos shove multiculturalism down our throats.
Me: Uhh I think you're referring to the Sovie...never mind. Okay...How about a play?
Ann: Well it better not be showing in a publicly funded theatre. And if that play got any funds from the NEA I will beat the director and pour pigs blood on him.
Me: How about I just go home and practice self mutilation all the while pondering why I asked you out in the first place?
Ann: Begonne you Marxist devil. Go back to your world of witchcraft and sodomy.

Anyways her outlets of ridiculous propaganda are narrowing. Fox News will soon be the only one to give her a voice.

"If those kids had been carrying guns they would have gunned down this one [child] gunman. ... Don't pray. Learn to use guns." - Ann Coulter

'Arizona Daily Star' Drops Ann Coulter's 'Shrill' Column

I'm helping someone move tonight...again.

Tis the season of people and their moves and for some reason I always get asked to help. I don't even own a truck anymore, but people still rely on me to move heavy furniture. I'd like to think it's because of the Adonis strength I posses, but that's not the case. I'm a nice guy really and a sucker for free food.

RO is moving out from Redmond into Everett and all we have to move the stuff is his small truck and my tiny car. This should be a hoot.

Last week I helped RO's mom move from Redmond to Bainbridge Island. God that was miserable. We rented a 26 foot Uhaul which at the time seemed like overkill considering she lived in a two bedroom apartment. "We could never fill that Uhaul", RO stated. Damn him for being wrong. We stuffed that oversized slow vehicle to the rim with all sorts of crap ranging from three love seats, a couch, bbq, a karaoke machine, two queen sized beds, etc. I sweated like a stark pig and stunk up the place.

RO's brother in-law is a lazy man. He did no heavy lifting and sat on the phone most of the day.

RO's mom felt so bad that I did so much work she paid me very well. I still feel bad for taking the cash, but not too bad. Oh and she bought me McDonald's. Don't like McDonald's, but hey it was free.

"If you don't do it it don't get done." - RO

Aug 30, 2005

Erik is watching reality television

I stayed up late and watched reality television last night. Yep you heard it here first. I've succumbed to viewing 'real life' drama brought to you by Right Guard, extreme deodorant for the extreme athlete, and Transporter part 2, cause enough wasn't said in the first one.

Anyways KM and I watched The Ultimate Fighter 2. If you're not familiar the UFC brings in a bunch of amateur mixed martial arts fighters to live and compete together for a six figure UFC contract. It's actually kind of a cool show, but only if you're a fan of the UFC, which I am. If you're not familiar with the UFC, well stop reading now.

I normally loathe reality television in all it's forms, but now I find myself enjoying this UFC based show. Maybe one day I will come home from work and look forward to the next time a shameless self promoting millionaire will fire the cast bitch. Or maybe I'll be sitting in the break room discussing why the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Average Joe people are really sweet cause television producers would never use tricky editing techniques to make them appear as someone they're not.

Oh god if that happens, please pay someone to break my kneecaps.

I remember seeing a reality show once where the network shipped a bunch of couples to a tropical island, split them up, then had them date numerous people. At the end they were supposed to see if they wanted to stay together or break up I guess. I called my parents telling them that the apocalypse is coming and that show was the seventh seal. They calmed me down and assured me that the antichrist will probably not appear on a Fox show. I think they're being naive.

Actually I just had a great idea. I'm going to take a female friend, fake a relationship to the network, and have them ship us to the tropical island. We both get to date hotties and vacation in paradise. At the end we'll stage a breakup. I hate her because she farts in her sleep and she hates me because I have back hair. We split and continue to date the babes. Brilliant.

"You blew it FOX, with "When Circus Midgets Attack," and "Who Wants to Marry a Crack Whore?" I know that may seem a bit harsh, but when the one you love has hurt you, you tend to lash out. Hell hath no fury like a man scorned by Reality TV." - columinst Mike Melochick

The Ultimate Fighter

Aug 29, 2005

Jobs that would rule.

When my job situation was in flux I thought of some dream jobs I'd love to do regardless of how realistic it may be. Listed below are a few:

Professional wrestler - Now how's that for fulfilling a 12 year old fantasy of beating people up and acting like a complete jackass while getting paid lots.

Super secret spy - Every guy wanted to be James Bond at one point in their life.

Playboy photographer - Nuff said.

Skydiver - Risking death for money. I like it.

Linebacker - Crushing skulls and talking trash. I love football as you probably are aware.

Movie director - I know I do this in my spare time, but releasing a film that will be as important as Citizen Kane is a great little daydream.

Poet - Wouldn't it be great if someone would give me money for the often dark, sometimes whimsical writings I create?

Stuntman - Only they can say "I did it because Russell Crowe was too much of a wuss".

UFC fighter - I often enjoy the 'fighting sports', i.e. boxing, MMA, etc. Stepping into the octagon would be a thrill. Actually I'd probably get scared and curl into the fetal position and cry.

Peace Corps - Everytime I look at my current career path I think about how I'm really not making a difference.

Political talking head show host - I could rant and rave about all my political leanings and people would assume I am smart, because I'm on TV after all. They never let dumb people on TV. Ever.

It's really slow here at work and I'm really bored.

"The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play." ~Arnold Toynbee

NFL cont...

God I love the NFL. I just love football. The get togethers on Sunday afternoons at some bar, drinking dark beer, consuming greasy pub food, watching the Seahawk fans cling to that belief that this is "the year", clapping inappropriately everytime a Seattle receiver drops a pass, catching up with likeminded friends, wondering if I should take a cab home, etc. (Man that went on for a while.)

Football is a glorious sport. I can't think of any team sport that requires the diversity of athleticism that football does. I miss playing it so much.

Being a 49er fan hurts now. My folks are from the bay area and the only time they ever watched sports was when the niners were playing. That and my mom thought Joe Montana was cute. The gold rushers are seriously sucking hard and will lose to my nemesis the Seahawks.

Yes I can't stand the Seahawks. Ever since the days of the Brian Bosworth mess I've never been a fan. They are a miserable organization that treats their fans poorly.

"If you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway. It's about the same." ~Bob Golic

Fantasy Football is back.

Ahh it's that wonderful time of year again and that is the NFL season. After being plagued with the non sport of baseball for numerous months we finally get a real sport back in action.

My fantasy football league will be drafting next week. I love the draft. The excitement of the pics, the hope you get when you choose your first running back, the thrill of getting a possible surprise choice that may break hundreds of yards this season.

I have first pic this year, again. I hate first pic, but oh well. I'm going to probably go with LaDainian Tomlinson who I had last year. He did well for me and I see the Charger's line giving him many holes to bust through.

Oh and my team name, the Nashville Tax Burdens, will stay in effect. CS has changed his name from the Omaha Barons to the Waco Branch Davidians. There will be holy battle waged this year and I for one am all for it.

"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle-victorious." - Vince Lombardi

Man curses at Shepard Smith

Given all the ridiculous saturation of media coverage over hurricane Katrina this makes me chuckle inside. Below is a summary of a conversation Shepard Smith of Fox News had with a man who is currently waiting out the storm:

SHEPARD SMITH: You’re live on FOX News Channel, what are you doing?
MAN: Walking my dogs.
SMITH: Why are you still here? I’m just curious.
MAN: None of your fucking business.
SMITH: Oh that was a good answer, wasn’t it? That was live on international television. Thanks so much for that. You know we apologize. I'm watching two dogs drink out of a glass of ice water, and it's none of my business why they are still here."

Well spoken Mr Smith. Granted this hurricane is a huge news story, but really is coverage like how a man walks his dogs really necessary? I kind of wish Shepard Smith would've whooped out a pair of numchucks and declared himself the honorable Fox News ninja and beaten the guy for saying the word of curse. He would then stare into the camera declaring how he would boldly go from state to state enforcing the agenda of Rupert Murdoch armed with a broadsword. Those who fail to believe the ways of O'Reilly will be taken prisoner in a Fox News concentration camp. All resistance will be met with deadly swinging of said sword.

I think all Fox News anchors secretly wish to be such a ninja.

"The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers." - Thomas Jefferson

Video of conversation

Erik's going to be biker trash.

So with my newfound employment I've decided on another personal goal and that is to finally buy a motorcycle. I've wanted to ride since I was 12 and since I'm getting older the thrillseeking bug has evolved to gigantic proportions.

I thought about getting a Harley first, but I'll probably get something like a Verago to hone my skills. I'd rather dump a Yamaha then an insanely expensive chopper.

Years ago AS and I had a dream that we would tour the country on Harleys. He would write and I would take pictures. The adventure would take about 3 months. The dream may come true some day. I'll never forget the conversations about it though.

Hopefully I won't become biker trash. I really don't want to have a bunch of bad jailhouse tattoos or a biker 'babe' with huge blonde hair and really bad teeth. Maybe I'll just be one of those bikers who give their spouses and various family members huge ulcers given the risks we take.

This winter is when the purchase will take place. If you know anyone who's selling a bike, not a crotch rocket mind you, let me know.

"Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death..." Hunter S. Thompson

Harley Davidson

Aug 26, 2005

Jessica Cutler makes motion to dismiss lawsuit.

In case you are not aware of who Jessica Cutler is, she's quite possibly the luckiest tramp on the planet. She was a staffer for a Senator and slept with numerous Washington DC elites. One even paid for anal with her which is surprising cause she's not really hot.

She posted her sexual exploits on a "private" blog, which in turn ended up being published on Wonkette. She and her many boy toys were exposed and publicly humiliated. Her consequence? She signed a huge book deal and made loads of money on a fiction based on fact accounts of a slut living in DC. I guess if you're going to write then write about what you know.

Now she's being sued by Rob Steinbuch, a Senator's staffer, who obviously didn't take the outing well. I guess the idea of everyone knowing you slept with her would cause me outrage as well.

Moral of the story is: Don't pay for anal. I'm sure there's another, but I can't get my mind out of the gutter to make any reasoned analysis.

"People like to pretend that money and looks don't matter, but they do. It's supposed to be a big meritocracy, but people here are just as shallow as anywhere else. The thing about D.C. is it's not Miami or New York where there are all these hot people everywhere. I'm cute by New York standards, but when I came here, my stock just shot up fast." - Jessica Cutler

Steinbuch v. Cutler Update--Cutler's Motion to Dismiss

Aug 24, 2005

Patient files complaint against doctor, because the doctor was too honest.

Stories like these make me wish the Soviets would've launched during the Cold War. Woman goes to doctor. Doctor says her weight is unhealthy. Instead of heading out to Jenny Craig the patient files a complaint with the Attorney General.

I sure as hell hope this doesn't become a new precedence where doctors would be afraid to tell me I smoke and drink too much. I want my doctor to tell me if I'm too damn fat. Hell tell me if I'm ugly, or that I partake in to much mainlining of black tar heroin, or that my penis is too sma...uhh...they could leave that last part out.

When I read articles such as this I'm reminded that I need to punch more people in the eye.

"I don't mind that I'm fat. You still get the same money." - Marlon Brando

Woman Files Complaint After Doctor Tells Her She's Obese

Update: Apparently the doctor is a racist. The other story conveniently left that out.

Dr. Bennett accused of advising patient to shoot herself

Aug 23, 2005

Pat Robertson wants to kill people.

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said Monday of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez."We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

I never saw the actual broadcast, but I can hardly see a way these words can be taken out of context. Pat Robertson, one of the most powerful preachers in the world, seems to take a hardline stance with the politics of South America.

I'm not saying Hugo Chavez is a benevolent leader; however statements like Robertson's makes me cringe. The Christian Coalation has never been free of controversy, but you would think an educated man who knew his scriptures would use better judgment then making statements like this. This is where of course I would quote the "Thou shalt not kill" line.

What would Jesus do Pat (Damn that's getting really cliche)? Would he want us to outright assassinate a leader because of the possibility he may create a Muslim Communist uptopia? Should we just burn him at the stake and make him an example to all that may or may not agree with Hugo?

I doubt his words stemmed from a real spiritual enlightenment, but rather it does embody our culture of fear. People in powerful positions can be just as weak as any one of us and are willing to go to some desperate lengths to protect ourselves. I can somewhat understand this. It's not like I've been marching against the freedoms that were trounced upon in the Patriot Act. Then again I'm not a man who's taking the responsibility of shepherding Christ's flock.

A lot of you are probably already thinking, "Erik you dumb fat bastard. God uses men to create violent acts throughout the Bible. What are you harping on Pat about?" I'm not going to defend the Old Testament here, but as someone raised with a Christian background I do implore any religious leaders, regardless of faith or even dogma, to employ more rational thought before making public statements such as this. If not for God or yourself do it for your followers.

Maybe Pat was throwing out alternatives to war which in some dark twisted idea makes sense. I really have no idea what he was thinking really and find myself pretty arrogant trying to dissect the man's teachings even though I never watch his show. You've probably noticed that most of my opinions aren't really based on all that much logic though.

If you're a religious person at least pray for him.

"Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals..the two things seem to go together." - Pat Robertson

Robertson Calls for Chavez's Assassination

Follow up: Pat decrees that his remarks were taken out of context. If it's true that would mean that Fox News was actually wrong. I would have never guessed. Robertson: Chavez remarks misinterpreted

Another follow up: Robertson finally apologizes for the statement being clearly not taken out of context. This is getting weird. Robertson Apologizes for Chavez Remark

Jessica Alba to star in "I Dream of Jeannie" remake.

Now being a big fan of films I'm currently disgusted with all the miserable remakes being thrown at our local multiplexes. Did we need a live version of 'Fat Albert'? Was the 'Honeymooners' remake really necessary? Wasn't enough said in the 'Car 54 Where are You TV' show? Don't remember that show or movie? Yeah that's what I thought.

Some studio exec thought it would be a great idea for Jessica Alba to don the outfit made famous by Barbara Eden and I for one am all for it. Yes sir I could kiss that mogul of film on the lips. Brilliant, brilliant I tell you.

Now a whole new generation of men will get to have the fantasies our parent's had while viewing the 60's sitcom. Actually my dad never fantasized. Ever. Oh god I'm sick. Sorry I'll have to go punch myself in the face for ever thinking that. Excuse me.

"I thought it was my job to give all the boys their first kiss." - Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba to 'Dream of Jeannie', but not 'Fantastic Four 2'

I still haven't seen Steel Magnolias

I've made it to 30 and I still haven't seen Steel Magnolias. As I was telling someone earlier I should make it into the Masculine Hall of Fame for that.

There should be a Masculine Hall of Fame for that matter. God it would be cool. There would be awards for numbers of concussions, how many buffalo wings have been eaten in a single setting, percentage of paycheck that went to a local bar/strip club, etc. Sean Connery would host each induction. Spike TV will televise it. Glorious.

I think I have something here.

Anyways the days of my virginity to the film that is viewed as "the best movie ever made" by numerous women are getting numbered. I wish I could say that I was the loser in a street brawl and this was the punishment, but that is not the case. To all that would make fun of me for this remember that many of you have cried while watching Bambi, Charlottes Web and/or Casablanca.

"I've learned a lot about menopause." - Jason Moore, cast member of the stage production.

Aug 19, 2005

It's time to jump again.

I've made it a personal goal this year to jump out of a so called perfectly good airplane...again. Yes folks it's been to many years since I've taken the good plunge towards the earth.

If you haven't experienced this already I highly recommend that you do so and soon. You'll experience nothing like it.

Depending on our job status CS and I will be jumping within the next few weeks. I hope to get another jump in before fall. If any of you feel like taking the step out of a plane and want to join let me know.

"It is one thing to be in the proximity of death, to know more or less what she is, and it is quite another thing to seek her." - Ernest Hemingway

Aug 18, 2005

Hunter S Thompson to be shot out of a cannon.

The good Hunter S Thompson will finally have his ashes spread. Not just a simple dumping of an urn, but shot out of a cannon. Yes it will be done with a mortar in the shape of the Gonzo fist.

While I'm normally not big into the culture of celebrity his passing did hit me a little. I've enjoyed his writings since I was 16 and admired his ability to write and live with reckless abandon. The fact that he made it to 67 is proof miracles do come true and a testament to the strength of the human condition.

Not one to fear violence, drugs, or libel suits, Hunter wrote in a frenzy true to Gonzo style. Much like his peers; PJ O'Rourke, Wolfe, Capote, etc, Thompson entertained us with a wit and style that was much needed in the dark cruel world of political reporting. Thompson often lived the story with courage unseen and at times paid a painful price for each read he gave us. Whether it was being stomped by Hells Angels, chased by the Secret Service, or having his wallet stolen by James Carville, Hunter kept writing with passion about the American body politic. In his prose he always left us with ramblings so bizarre we'll always wonder if his stories really happened.

A gambler, writer, drug abuser, wino, fighter, lover, poet, gun advocate. Many things have been said about Hunter's mental stability, but I prefer to remember him as an entertainer, one of my favorites.

His "fear and loathing" have finally come to end. May you rest in peace Dr Gonzo.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S Thompson

Thompson's ashes, along with fireworks, head to Woody Creek

Aug 17, 2005

Girls apparently like flawed men. Cool.

These kind of articles make me so happy I want to sing songs by the Bangles. And I hate the Bangles. Really I do.

According to the article most women do not care about the size of a man's wallet nor are they interested in finding a "Playgirl" hunk, i.e., little bit of blubber, personality over looks, etc.

I feel cheated being told by our media that I will never be happy unless I look like Sean Connery or Brad Pitt. For years I believed that finding bliss would be driving an SUV, watching "Survivor", and eating Menthos, cause they're full of life. All those elements would make me hunky enough to make George Clooney jealous.

The reporter should get a Pulitzer for bringing hope to malekind. I'm so damn giddy I think I'll take off my shirt and dance in a fountain and sing praises to every god I can think of. People tell me that the survey could be flawed, but the media would never lie to me. Ever.

"It's scary, but women don't care [about looks]. Men are very superficial and very shallow." - New York matchmaker Janis Spindel

(I know the Rachel McAdams pic has nothing to do with this blog, but she's Rachel McAdams so I'll post her anytime I damn well please and there ain't nothing you can do about it, because you like watching reruns of Full House and you voted for Pat Buchanan and you enjoy the comic works of I got a little carried away there. Sorry.)

Playgirl's hunks? The hairy, chubby & poor!

China is going to the moon.

This news caught me as no surprise. I believed for a while that this century will be China's century. Now before you accuse me of being a conspiracy nut, please hear me out. I am a rational being, at least that's what my court appointed therapist states.

There's no question the Britons ruled the 19th century as the 20th century was 100 years of American dominance. Now a new kid on the block is emerging. China has been resourceful and patient in their climb for the status of the world's greatest superpower.

China has already amassed a nuclear program that can devastate our navy. Most military analysts, of which I'm not one of them, believe that our strength resides in 12 aircraft carriers. The Chinese have already crafted a nuclear program that can launch and drive their missiles so close to the surface that we will not be able to detect them until they hit their intended targets. Given the sophistication of this technology it would not be surprising if they have more devastating weapons in order. Yes, a new Cold War may happen.

The Chinese have grown increasingly stubborn in their foreign policy, yet seem to get a free pass from the UN in every instance. Case in point: Tibet. Groups such as Amnesty International have blasted Beijing for carrying out numerous human rights abuses and possible war crimes in the region. Considering this has been going on since 1949 and everyone's turned a blind eye to the madness no nation(s) will call China on this anytime soon.

There are other issues with their foreign policy as well, such as the stances they've taken with Taiwan and support for Kim Jong-Il's radical regime, but again their feet are not being held to the fire. In my most humble opinion trade is the main issue. Since the British lease ended in the 90s the Chinese have all but banished their Maoist economic policies and have embraced the system that made Hong Kong one of the leading economic centers in the world.

This newfound wealth has also been nurtured by American corporate culture. Many companies, including the "patriotic" Wal-Mart, have slowly moved not only manufacturing plants to the region, but also call centers, various retail and wholesale outlets, warehousing, etc. The corporation's shareholders are making a fortune, but of course the American consumer won't see the savings. China, of course, is seeing many benefits by putting children to work in those dingy sweatshops where your Old Navy shirt was made.

Now that China will be escalating their space program it should be obvious to all how much effort they have put into education, particularly the sciences. This is something our country has been putting on the back burner for years and soon we will reap what we sow.

Will China and America go to war one day? Probably not considering the trade our countries are involved in. The old saying "free trade ends wars" may be true in this case, but then again we didn't have that economic union with Russia and we never engaged each other, at least directly.

I'm getting a little on my high horse here considering I'm just an armchair historian/world politics analyst. I'll stop offending you with my uneducated rants.

"War [with the United States] is inevitable; we cannot avoid it. The issue is that the Chinese armed forces must control the initiative in this war. We must be prepared to fight for one year, two years, or even longer." - Chinese Defense Minister Gen. Chi Haotian

China plans unmanned moon mission by 2007

Aug 16, 2005

There could be rain.

So after a few rewrites of my script and an actor bailing out of the project less then a week before shooting it might rain today. Of course it would have to rain on the day we shoot outdoors.

Aug 15, 2005

Found an actor

So I found an actor for my film to replace the Jiggaman. Ye gods am I thankful. I was trying to rewrite the script last night in case no one could make it and everything I wrote turned out to be a pile of crap. Not talking about dried dog crap on the lawn, but fresh smelly kind you find on the bottom of your shoe when you first step out of your house on your way to church.

Anyways production should be done shortly and hopefully this project won't be too much of an embarrassment for all involved.

"Just like you can't stop filmmakers. The films will get made, somehow, some way, no matter what's going on, and worldwide." - Richard Linklater

System of a Down is a really bad band.

I was driving around today and over the radio came the new "hit" by System of a Down. It was so nauseating I almost ran over a bunch of nuns.

Now I'm a big fan of metal. I've made that no secret, but hearing this band makes my ears bleed while I contemplate suicide.

I remember the US military blared a bunch of music into the Vatican embassy in Panama to draw out Noriega. I think we should just play System of a Down in our current war(s) and the insurgents would immediately surrender. Then again that might be so cruel the UN may consider it a war crime.

"After I heard System of a Down, I thought, I'’m actually alive to hear the shittiest band ever. Of all the bands that have gone before and all the bands that'’ll be in the future, I was around when the worst was around." - Noel Gallagher

Israelis pull out of Gaza.

After 38 years of occupation, oppression, suicide bombings, rubber bullets, and Congressional support for policies no one tries to even comprehend anymore the Israelis are finally pulling out of Gaza. Amazing that Sharon of all people have taken this important step to the possibility of a Palestinian state. Yet what will this do for peace in the region really?

I remember someone telling me that the best way to start a revolt is to give the "freedom fighters" an inch. They will always fight harder for that mile. I have my sincere doubts that this will calm the heads of Hamas leaders.

Maybe that's what the Israeli leadership wants. They make this effort for peace by evicting a few thousand of their countrymen only to be shown gratitude by another rash of suicide bombings in coffee shops and bus stops. Then Israel will plea to the world community again and say "Look, we have to keep demolishing homes and shooting at random people."

Maybe I'm being to hard to our allies in the Mid-East, but I still have a hard time in trusting that peace is what Sharon or the Palestinian leadership wants. "Freedom fighters", aka terrorists, never concede. It's simply not in their nature.

This blog was kind of pointless in the fact that you don't give a good goddamn about what goes on over there. You were hoping that this would be about Tom & Katie or some story involving violence, nudity, and jackassery.

"Holy war is our path. My death will be martyrdom. I will knock on the gates of Paradise with the skulls of the sons of Zion."- Ayman Radi, a traffic policeman in the P.L.O. police force, in a written note to his family before he carried out a suicide bombing in Jerusalem that wounded 13 Israelis.

"The Palestinians are like crocodiles, the more you give them meat, they want more" - Ehud Barak, Prime Minister of Israel.

Aug 11, 2005

Sometimes I wish I were a hot guy.

I recently lost a bunch of weight. To give you an idea of how I looked before imagine a less attractive Tony Soprano. At least I have better hair.

Anyways I'm at the gym today and there were a bunch of hot guys there. The good looking physical trainers were giving them a whole lot of attention. It was then I started pondering what it would be like being a handsome guy.

Seriously there has to be a lot of benefits to being attractive. For girls you get to drink at bars for free. For guys you get those girls drinks. Actually that's not that much of a benefit. Forget I said that.

Come to think of it it would be cooler to be a hot girl. Your lifestyle is less expensive at least. You never have to fish for attention, such as creating a self depricating blog. Most guys don't give a damn about your personality. Some strippers I've met have nothing going on between the ears, yet guys will throw $20-$40 at em for a simple lap dance. Not that I've ever done that of course. I'm too busy trying to find a cure for leprosy and bringing an end to world hunger.

I want to live one day as Johnny Depp. Just to see what it's like.

Aug 10, 2005

MSNBC decides Jessica Simpson's breasts are an important news story.

This is stuff that keeps me up at night. Now before I go into a little rant let me declare that I am not against Jessica Simpson's assests. In fact I'm all for them. You may even call me a fan of those. At least that's what's listed on the restraining order.

So MSNBC decides to write a scoop about how the village idiot turned pop star sex kitten feels about her boobies. Apparently this is important news. I mean if I didn't feel Jessica was comfortable with her breasts I'd have to write her another 14,000 emails convincing her that her boobs could bring the Palestinians and Israelis to everlasting peace. Then again the judge may not approve.

Stories like this seriously make me sad. It's not that they print this horseshit, it's the fact that people care. So many tragedies and triumphs happen in the world body politic on a daily basis and yet this pulp ends up on one of the biggest news sites in the world. I'm so mad I'm going to go and tune into some reality television and bitch those people out, cause they can hear me after all.

"When we were in church work [my daughters] wore bikinis and short shorts. People in the church got mad at me then but we believe that what'’s in the heart is more important than what'’s on the outside."” - Jessica Simpson's dad.


As you are probably aware my job has been "outsourced". 72 employees have been laid off and effective immediatley all phone volume will be handled by offshore sites.

This came as no surprise to me. It was bound to happen at some point. Actually it may work out for the best. My job search has been accelerated and the company is providing a pretty decent severance package.

The trend in outsourcing concerns me on a consumer level, but alas that doesn't matter. We all understand that corporations are not subject to the customer or employees, but to the shareholder. If I need help with something I will have to break through all language barriers to speak with someone in Bangalore. I have no choice. Come to think of it I'll just have the Jiggaman fix it or break down and fix it myself.

It's only been a few days of not working and already I'm incredibly bored, hence the creation of this blog. I feel so unproductive. I haven't been without work for any extended period of time since I was 15 years old. I'm trying to get out as much as possible, but I'm afraid cabin fever will slowly creep in. If any of you find me on top of the roof wearing nothing but tighty whiteys and sandles holding a double barrel shotgun with a bottle of Wild Turkey, please call the cops, paramedics, etc.

Wish me luck in my job quest.

"If you rely too much on people in other companies and countries ... you are outsourcing your brains, where you are making all the innovation." - Bill Gates

Foamy's tech support woes


Orson Welles once said "Filmmaking is 2% movie making and 98% hustling." He was a wise man.

"Films are never completed. They're abandoned" - Anonymous filmmaker.

Jiggaman is out.

As you may or may not know I'm currently directing a short film. About a month ago I set up a shooting schedule for next week. I asked all actors if they forsee a conflict to let me know. Last night one of the "actors" told me they can't make it so I'm currently scrambling to find someone to play the part or I'll have to rewrite the script.

If you know any "actors" who are willing to play a brutal thug let me know.

Still much love to the Jiggaman and everything he stands for. Well maybe not everything. I'd still throw down for him though.

Quitting smoking

Quite a while ago a friend asked me what it's like to quit smoking. He seemed to be insinuating that it's easier then I make it out to be. I told him to stop masturbating for a month.

He understands how hard it is now.

"Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times" - Mark Twain.


Someone recently called my faith into question, which never happens. I doubt she's even aware of it. I've been dwelling on it ever since.

My cousin goes to a mountain near his place and actually talks with God. I'm not kidding. He sometimes can be there for days praying and fasting for the Lord. After a long session up on his mountain he told my parents that Jesus has "great plans for your son." Good to know someone does. Say what you will about him, but I admire his conviction. I wish I was so convicted either way.

Being on the fence as I am I often worry about my demise. If God does exist then I better get an excellent lawyer before I face him on judgment day. I imagine the conversation will go like this:

Lawyer: Lord Jesus, please forgive my client Erik of all the wickedness he has committed and endured.

Jesus: Why should I do that counsel?

Lawyer: He is merely a pompous jackass who believed himself to be the center of his own universe. He knows your word, but rejected it.....

Erik: ...this is your defense?

Lawyer: You're right Erik. Lord Jesus, there's no excuse for Erik. I resign my counsel for he is a lost cause. Good luck Erik.

Jesus: What do you have to say for yourself?

Erik: uhh...can I have more time to get another lawyer?

Jesus: No my child.

Erik: Well then I guess there's nothing to say but I'm sorry. (Floor falls open beneath Erik.)

Roll credits.

When I was a wee lad I used to have fantasies about the end of the world. I wanted to be a soldier fighting alongside Michael the archangel. I would mount my valiant steed with sword in hand charging with reckless abandon at the forces of evil. The dark lords would quiver at my awesome presence and surrender at first strike. Alas I grew old and cynical.

"So, because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth" - Revelations 3'16.

Almighty Church of Foamy

Wow I have a blog now. Aren't I special.

Yeah I've joined the millions into becoming a "blogger". Don't know how I feel about that term. It's sounds like some British slang term for sex.