We've come for the children

When you become a parent, you become really boring, or even a minor nuisance, to those without children. So often when I was single and childless I would hear complaints about breeders and how they were terrible parents and any little inconvenience they experienced at the hand of kids was paramount to being forced to endure a drug free root canal.

And yes, there were a few occasions I would witness the behavior of parents and shake my head, hoping that I would never become like them, but of course, as soon as my child entered the world I instantly became like all those that once annoyed me. I flood my Facebook friends' News Feeds with so many pics and videos of my daughter that I'm certain most have me on "hide". Instead of dining out on good local cuisine I meet friends, who are parents as well, at chain restaurants that cater to families and serving food that is neither interesting nor all that good. I eat dinner at 5p, so anyone that accompanies me to dinner has to be on the same schedule as that of a retired person. I make a poor drinking companion as I can't recall what it's like to sleep in past 8a and have to retire to bed by at least midnight.

But when I read complaints about parents online I have to wonder about a few of them:

1. I was at restaurant/plane/theatre/etc and there was this screaming brat and the parents couldn't shut them up. Call CPS, for they're obviously failures at child rearing: If the parents made absolutely no attempt to calm their child, I can understand the annoyance and admit you have a right to complain about them, especially if they encourage the behavior, but if they do attempt to shut their noisy kid up and all their attempts are in vain, suck it up. If you are hearing this, chances are you're at a place targeted towards families, and there are many other venues or means of travel that'll lower the odds of you hearing a loud noise emitting from a wee one. It won't ruin the ambiance of fucking Olive Garden, so grow up and be glad you live a lifestyle that's consider lavish to 80% of the world's population. Getting a kid to quiet down can be as simple as asking Rick Santorum to donate money to GLAD. You can't reason with the unreasonable.
2. Those parents didn't discipline their children according to my standards. Clearly they aren't suited to breed: This is something parents and non do alike, and I can understand it, but I've got a secret for you, kids are different and react to modes of discipline differently. Parents now live in fear of spanking, because godless communists will lock us up and take away our crotch fruit, so an immediate solution has been made more difficult. Sure there is time out and taking privileges away and all that, but to paraphrase Alfred, some kids just want to see the world burn.
3. Parents are selfish because they're adding to the burden of the planet with an already non-sustainable population: That sound you hear is the breath taken from me upon hearing such eco-friendly wisdom. While this can be a decent point, it's made by douches who really like to sound like they're eco-warriors, but in reality they give two shits about the environment, and they know it. Now if the point was made about adopting a child who needs a home, well I can't argue that, especially being adopted myself, but really engaging in a biological act that'll help carry the species hardly seems selfish. If you really feel for those poor neglected children, adopt one, until then, don't make any judgments on my non adopting ass.
4. I hate seeing all those photos of people's kids in my Facebook feed: You know what, I hate seeing those numerous posts of your political analysis, which is almost always stupid and pointless and it bothers me how you think you're smarter and edgier than you really are. I hate seeing those stupid quotes with accompanying drawings of people dressed from decades ago that are neither funny, clever, or insightful. I hate seeing those posts that tell your friends "This is why I (insert action that's supposed to make people be impressed with how much of an educated person you are of whatever the fuck subject you linked to). I grow tired quickly of hearing how your significant other is the best in the whole wide world. They're not, not matter how many times they put their dishes in the dishwasher or buy you a video game, or do any other task that anyone else could do just as well if not better. I'm sick of seeing all your damn pictures of dogs, cats, or any other animal doing things that every miserable beast of the same species does. I don't care what you purchased, eat, or visited. But you know what? I click like, because if any one of those behaviors make you happy, it does me joy to see that, because I'm your friend, and that's what friends do.
5. Parents think they know everything: There's some truth to this, and it's made apparent with stupid mommy bloggers who hate vaccines and love alternative medicine and other associate nonsense, but these people are easy to ignore. And really they should be looked upon with pity rather than angst, as they're dumb people and haven't received the upstanding education you have. Sure there are the people who project some sort of smug superiority about being parents, but when I think about that, I've never met anyone like that in real life. Seriously, sometimes I wonder if those types only exist on the internet. Really, if you don't want to listen to a holier or smart than thou parent, it's easy not to, well unless you're their unfortunate offspring. Then it sucks to be you.
6. Parents are responsible for everything that sucks in pop culture as they keep buying crap for their kids, like Justin Bieber tickets: Yes, I'm so glad your parents denied you the privilege of watching He-Man or Jem, and instead forced you to read Dante throughout your childhood, because that's exactly what you wanted to do. Since as a child you had such a refined sense of aesthetics, it only makes sense that the rest of the population follows your folks' lead. Oh and fuck off. Seriously fuck you for trying to take away a simple joy from a kid. You sucked as a kid, and you suck now. If your life is so centered around pop culture, then it's empty and hollow and meaningless. You really need to start examining what it is you bring to humanity, if anything.
7. Parents who say "you have to be a parent to understand" as the end statement to their illogical behavior need to be punched in the face: OK I kind of agree, but I think violence may be going a bit far. Saying something to the effect of "by you stating that means your argument is groundless and has no basis in reality; therefore I win and you lose. Neener, neener, neener."

So yeah, non-breeders, kids run amongst you, deal with it. If you hate them, move to a retirement home and shut the fuck up.

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them." - P. J. O'Rourke