Wiwille learns about birth

On Saturday the misses and I went to our childbirth class. We were the first ones there and got our choice of sitting on the comfy couch. The instructor greeted us and gave us a stack of reading materials to go over. Other couples filed in, who were further along then we are, and the class began.

The instructor introduced herself and the women in the class did as well. The men were mostly quiet, not knowing what to expect. The instructor was a grandmother who worked as a nurse practitioner for the OBGYN's office and started things off with showing us a video of a live birth.

I did not jump up and scream "OH MY GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE", as I warned the wife I may do, but I held it together. We watched some more videos about breastfeeding and no one laughed like Bevis, but it was interesting none the less.

And let me tell you, there's nothing less sexy than hearing a senior citizen announce they're currently doing Kegel exercises. Nothing.

So we're taking a tour of the maternity ward with the other couples and one of them had hair like Betty Boop and it smelled weird. She was a friendly gal, but her partner said little to nothing. A few questions were asked and I learned a few things, mainly never have any expectations during childbirth as anything can happen. I was daydreaming that my daughter would fly out of the womb and we were in the presence of Supergirl, but I kept that to myself. I don't think I have any Kryptonian blood in my family.

See my generation is the first of men that are expected to go through the entire experience of childbirth, where as our fathers just paced a hole in the floor smoking an entire pack of non-filtered Lucky Strikes. I'm actually glad I'll get to be there for the whole thing.

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Bruce Willis

Nursery rhymes.

The wife and I decided we would give a listen to nursery rhymes last night, preparing ourselves for things to come. I now don't understand how parents stay sane after listening to them over and over again.

Now I do like music, but hearing it accompanied by xylophones and nasally vocals makes me want to kick field goals with kittens. I think this is the reason parents become stupid.

Yes if you're a parent you're dumb. It's not your fault. The lack of sleep, proper diet, and being exposed to children's songs and television shows depletes brain cells and before you know it you're voting for Michelle Bachmann.

"Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it." - Russell Baker

Her nose...

Friday the wife and I went in for yet another ultrasound. This time we got a 3D scan, which showed us how Kenadie actually looks. Instead of looking like Skeletor we saw the baby's features, and by God if I didn't see some of me in her. She seemed to have my nose. That may just be the result of the scan, but I don't care. This is my child floating about in my wife's womb.

I had to leave the appointment as soon as it was done. As I exited I saw a man in the waiting room holding his infant in his lap. His face beamed as he was attempting to make the baby smile. He looked up at me and gave me a proud grin. I smiled back and I guess he knew I was envious.

The reality of being a father grows with each day. Soon I'll be exhausted while caring for a human being that can't possibly do anything on their own. How the hell the human race survived infancy is anyone's guess.

"Babies have big heads and big eyes, and tiny little bodies with tiny little arms and legs. So did the aliens at Roswell! I rest my case." - William Shatner

What they don't tell you.

Since the announcement of my wife's pregnancy I've been inundated with all kinds of advice ranging from eating habits to conflict resolution. While I appreciate any and all wisdom being passed down to me, thankfully I've had it really easy. She hasn't had many weird cravings nor has a disposition of a Mongol warrior, but there's one aspect of carrying a baby that few warned me about and that's sleep deprivation.

Women carrying a child don't normally sleep well and that equates to the husband having a difficult time with slumber. My wife has to stay hydrated more than your average marathon runner, so in turn she uses the bathroom about every ten minutes. When she wakes up my nerves rattle and my blood pressure skyrockets to that of a juiced up pro-wrestler. After it's obvious she just needs a visit to the restroom I calm down and calculate in my head how much she's distributing as I imagine our water bill costing about as much as our mortgage payment. I swear sometimes in one night she could fill an Olympic sized pool.

Most of the time she gets up I do, but I rarely recall such events. As she's exhausted she goes to bed at an early hour, but even when I nod off at an early time I wake up feeling like I've had two hours of sleep. Lately I've been springing from deep REM and having nonsensical conversations with her. Let's take a look at those discussions that she's documented on her Facebook shall we?

Conversation #1:

Erik: Sorry, am I keeping you up?
Kelly: No, why?
Erik: We were looking at paint samples
Kelly: No, honey you are dreaming. I am glad we aren't looking at paint samples.
Erik: Oh, ok. I swear we were. (Rolls back over)

Conversation #2:

Erik: (Sits up in bed)
Kelly: Babe, are you ok?
Erik: Yes, I am just leveling out.
Kelly: You are what?
Erik: I am just leveling out.
Kelly: (confused) Why are you leveling out?
Erik: It is the law of physics.
Kelly: Go back to bed, you are dreaming again.
Erik: Okay.

I have no earthly idea what I was dreaming about before I decided to engage in such illiterate discourse, which is a shame. I normally remember all my dreams, but lately this hasn't happened. I'm afraid of what I'll do if I have one of my violent dreams where I'm fighting alongside Henry V.

"In the pregnancy process I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. She's got a construction zone going on in her belly." - Al Roker

A wee Wiwille to come

After months of failed attempts my wife is finally with child. Yes the force is strong with my swimmers and soon Kelly will unleash the most awesome baby in the whole wide world out of her uterus.

We had been planning on getting pregnant since our wedding night, but sadly the task was more daunting for us than others. Some of our friends got pregnant by simply looking at a member of the opposite sex. We tried and tried by reading up on pregnancy science, which is a relatively new field, and engaging in every old wives' tale we could think of. For months I would be woken up to the depressing news that our swimmers and eggs weren't prone to meeting.

Finally after all hope seemed lost she woke my groggy self out of bed at some unholy hour announcing that the test proved positive. I was excited as well as relieved. We did it. We finally did it.

"Pregnancy is a kind of miracle. Especially so in that it proves that a man and woman can conspire to force God to create a new soul." - Robert Anton Wilson