People that know me know that there are few things I like more than good beer. Yes I fancy myself a bit of a beer snob to the annoyance of my bud light drinking buddies.
My friend Paul, who claims he puts the fun back in functional alcoholic, sent me an article that lists 40 things a drunkard should do before he dies. Many of my blogger friends have a list of goals they plan to accomplish within a certain time period. I have yet to commit to such, but today we'll be going down the list to see what I must do before the grim reaper pays a visit.
1.) Open and close a bar: Never done this. I've opened one once at 5:30am, but have yet to spend a complete business day there.
2.) Go on a bender: I think it's time I should take a week off work and spend it destroying my liver.
3.) Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day: I don't get drunk alone. Seriously I don't. No I'm not kidding. Still don't believe me? Okay fine I'll do this.
4.) Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd: I can't count how many times this has happened. From drunken renditions of the Hustle to stumbling through the latest crap pop song I've made a complete ass of myself on the dance floor a few times. Scratch this as 'accomplished'.
5.) Spend a night in the drunk tank: No comment.
6.) Get drunk on the grave of your hero: I'd love to sip Congac on Winston Churhill's grave, but isn't there some sort of curse that would arise from it?
7.) Buy a crowded bar a round: Yeah this whole list seems to be expensive.
8.) Embark on an impromptu road trip: Problem with this is having to find someone who'll drive sober. I've been on many a spontaneous road trip in my youth, but keeping my friends from drinking is a chore.
9.) Get 86’d from a bar: This has never happened to me. Seriously.
10.) Extravagantly overtip a bartender: Does it count where exactly I placed the money?
11.) Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink: Hmm. This is something I've never done either. I think I can knock this off my list this weekend as it's not hard to find a girl who's way out of my leauge.
12.) Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar: My old friend John and I did this a few times at Le Chat Noir. Good times.
13.) Make your best friend a perfect martini: My best friend doesn't like martinis. Actually he likes girly drinks. Would a rum and pineapple juice count?
14.) Buy, build or steal a home bar: This is not a bad idea if I didn't live in such a small apartment.
15.) Get carried home by your drinking buddies: Most of my buddies probably couldn't even lift me much less carry me somewhere. I'd probably get dragged instead.
16.) Get drunk with your father: I've been drunk in front of him, but never with him.
17.) Fight a good fight: Been there, done that.
18.) Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor: Ireland here I come.
19.) Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle: God I miss the days of drinking till the sun rose.
20.) Sit in on an A.A. meeting: Scratch this off the list. True story.
21.) Hit a dozen bars in one night: Easily accomplished if you can find someone who will drive you, but then again it doesn't say you have to drink at each one of them.
22.) Try at least one hundred different drinks: I've definatley been through that in beer.
23.) Get loaded in the land of your forefathers: Getting drunk in Germany was one of the greatest highlights of my life.
24.) Juice on the job: I used to have a really cool boss.
25.) Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love: This gets more complicated as one would have to find true love. Expensive champagne is easy.
26.) Give a hobo twenty bucks: I'm sure money given to the homeless is always a worthy cause.
27.) Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel: He reads this blog. I probably don't need to tell him any more.
28.) Send a friend a bottle of good liquor: I truly am a friend indeed. Scratch this off the list.
29.) Eat a pickled egg from the big jar: Not a difficult task. I'll try that this weekend.
30.) Go on a fishing trip with your pals: This may never happen as none of my friends fish. I guess we could go on a chartered trip, or just buy poles and pretend.
31.) Eat the worm: My time in Tiajauna was spent wisely.
32.) Learn at least one traditional drinking song: Whiskey in the Jar was a favorite of mine.
33.) Steal some booze: Stole some MD 20/20 once as a teenager. Never could finish it.
34.) Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor: This is not a bad idea. Makers Mark isn't that expensive, but a bottle of Cognac will hit the spot.
35.) Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story: I'll just simply write a post.
36.) Try absinthe: Devil stuff it is too. One of the few times I walked in a perfect Z formation.
37.) Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends: Not a big fan of this film, but I'll try it again.
38.) Work at least a week as a bartender: I'd be fired within a day.
39.) Make your own beer, wine or moonshine: I used to make my own beer with good results. I need to do that again.
40.) Go to your place of worship loaded: Done that. Thanks Sam!
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin
A man is, ultimately, the sum of his accomplishments.