Aug 23, 2011

Darn tootin!

While I may have my moments where one may consider me to be of average intelligence, there are a few universal truths I can lay claim to which no one can dispute: 1. I should be legally allowed to assault any hipster at any given time, and 2. I suck at golf.

Saturday the brother in-law and myself joined my father in-law at a country club for some early morning golfing. It started off well with a few swings of the club and screams from them to keep my head down and yadda yadda, but no matter what I seemed to do the ball went in every direction other than where exactly I wanted it to go.

Sucking at golf is actually something I kind of take pride in, if only because the sport is largely dominated by pansies. It can be a nice outing, but as a serious event it should not be viewed, for it serves little purpose. There's no great athleticism to it nor are you required to actually exercise, but it does require you to endure this miserable heat that's unfit for humans.

Every inch of my body was covered in sweat and I noticed the greens were anything but. The weather has taken it's toll on the fairways and it's inhabitants. We wouldn't think to drink much beer as one normally would in the Northwest, but finally after 18 holes of what one would loosely call golf, we made our way into the men's lounge.

Yes for the first time in my life I drank and ate in an establishment that only allowed those who were born with a penis. It stunk of stale smoke and cheap beer, but it was stocked with men doing various activities. Some raised their beers in masculine glee while others played cards, and each paying each other little mind. One man looked like Hank Hill's father and used the f word repeatedly and with a lot of anger in his tone. He would yell at his partner in game with various taunts. He worried me as each scream of profanity seemed to creep him closer to an already near death.

"Fucking deal the CARDS," the old man would yell. "What the fuck do you think I'm going to do, punch you in the head?"

I didn't really follow the logic of his outbursts as they made about as much sense as having a men's only lounge, but they were entertaining. He didn't wear a purple heart medal, nor did he seem to chew tobacco sadly. If you see someone fit a few aspects of a stereotype, you tend to want the subject in question to take it all the way.

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing." - Dave Barry


Claire said...

I've yet to try golf, but I have a feeling I'll be awful at it...


Anonymous said...

Golf is an activity for impotent, old, white men.