Things I learned by watching G.I. Joe

G.I. Joe was a cartoon I once loved, and when I say loved I mean I worshipped it as if it breathed life into me. For a young boy who thought guns and war was the coolest thing ever the cartoon had it all; lasers, ninjas, hot chicks in skin tight clothing, over the top action, and bad ass weaponry. Now that the show is available to view on Netflix I can't begin to explain how terrible it is. Well I'll try anyways. The whole damn thing is ridiculous, and the writers do the stupidest things with the show, such as make a lot of the action happen off camera just to drive the plot forward. The voices are annoying, the characters are less than compelling, and as an adult viewing it without the kid blinders on, it's obvious they just made this to sell toys.

Still at its best, it's a lot of fun as it rarely takes itself seriously, which no cartoon of that era should. There are worse entertainment aimed at young boys back in those days, such as Voltron and that miserably long forming sequence that happened at least three times an episode.

But here I'll list a few things I learned by watching G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero:

1. Ninjas really aren't that bad ass.
2. To be a member of an elite fighting force, or the most ruthless terrorist organization known to man, you have to be physically fit, possess great intellect, be well versed in hand to hand combat, and have the shooting ability of your average storm trooper.
3. In war no one ever dies.
4. You can bail out of any plane or helicopter just a few feet from the ground and your parachute will open and guide you to earth safely.
5. Indians can talk to animals.
6. All indigenous folks' loyalty can be bought with bright shiny objects.
7. There's no reason to use the element of surprise when entering into combat. One must loudly yell a catch phrase that resembles their organization's name before they shoot up the place.
8. If you want to run a well-funded terrorist group, you must be such a pussy you make Richard Simmons look like Ted Nugent.
9. Large intricate bases of war can be built within a week, and the countries of South America will welcome those with world domination plans with open arms.
10. If someone's shooting at you, simply do a somersault and you'll avoid any bullets.
11. Missiles travel very slowly and will allow you enough time to step out of your vehicle to avoid being blown up.
12. A crossbow reloads itself.
13. When in a battle, if faced with a perilous situation, as does happen in the arena of combat, you must first open your mouth and hold that facial expression for at least two seconds before you decide what your next action will be. Time is not of the essence.
14. When dancing, it's best to keep you feet firmly planted and wave your arms about in manners that make you look like you're in distress. Of perhaps like you don't care....
15. Everyone with a foreign accent is evil.

Yes, this is what one can take away by watching this show, beside memorizing the line "G.I. Joe is the codename for America's daring, highly trained special mission force. Its purpose, to defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world."

"There is no reason for this film to exist." - KGB's review of G.I. Joe, the animated movie.