Perdo

Bowling. It's one of the few sports where you could be an athlete without looking like one. A lot of skill goes into the white trash activity, skill that I apparently lack.

Last night I went bowling for a friend's birthday party. I brought a friend to accompany me as she is a fan. We were trash talking about how I'm going to kick her ass at the game she grew up playing. Humiliation was in order that evening.

I've already displayed my prowess at Wii bowling, so being superior wouldn't be much of a task.

I was wrong.

So wrong.

"But Wiwille," you say. "You're the best at everything you do. How could you possibly lose?"

You're normally right about this, but last night I grabbed the poorly maintained house ball and threw gutterball after gutterball. I think I scored the lowest out of all in attendance. I lost to girls. Yes girls. My ego was deflated and I walked out of the alley with my tail between my legs.

Triumphant I was not, but one day I hope to redeem myself. Sadly I lack the talent necessary so hard work...wait...why the hell do I care so much about winning at bowling? It's not a real sport. There I said it.

"I haven't had sex in eight months. To be honest, I now prefer to go bowling." - Lil' Kim

Thursday Music

As it may come to a shock to no one I'm not a big fan of pop music. In fact I think most of it is ass. Seriously it's just not good.

Truth be told I do have my guilty pleasures as do you. I'm sure WIGSF secretly dresses in a toga and dances to the Black Eyed Peas in his room while Mattbear rocks some Pink as he's shaving his back. Don't get me started on Jlee and Miss Ash.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with DJ Earworm, but for those who've yet to experience the pop mashup king he takes the biggest hits from each year and compiles them into one long dance track. Some of the results are a mixed bag, but for whatever reason I'm really drawn to what he did with the songs from 2009, entitled the United States of Pop (Blame it on the Pop). I find it really catchy even though I don't like a single tune in its original format.

Much like my love for the great BMX classic Rad I should hang my head in shame for enjoying this so much, but I won't.

"This year in the charts, so many of the pop songs this year seem to tell the same story: Yeah, we’ve been through a lot, but right now we’re gonna celebrate with music and dance, and it’s gonna be ok." - DJ Earworm

Impono

I constantly hear comments from women about how much of a good guy I am and how they're amazed I haven't found the one yet. While I appreciate hearing such words the truth is I'm not all that pure. Yes my halo slips from time to time and I have done things that I'm not proud of by any means. Yes I'm a flawed human being as much as I hate to say.

I recently read an article in CNN about why men cheat, which concluded that they do so because they're unhappy in their relationship. While that's true, it only tells part of the story. Since I know many who cheat, and more importantly I have strayed once from a girlfriend, I'll give my list of why we boys do the things we do:

1. They're no longer attracted to the woman. - As most should know beauty is relative and guys get bored easily. Scarlett Johannson, Anne Hathaway, and Tyra Banks have all more than likely been cheated on. Yes I know that's difficult to believe, but someone looked at them naked at some point and said to themselves 'wow I really need to stick it elsewhere.' Men don't really mature, they just grow old.

When I hear women say 'no wonder they cheated, she/I got fat' I want to slap them. If a guy truly was a good person and loved his spouse then it wouldn't matter if they resembled Jabba the Hutt.

2. They like the excitement. - I know I joke about women being all addicted to drama, but most guys I know are the same way. They love the thrill of the hunt and the adrenaline really starts pumping when some tart makes herself available.

3. They're afraid. - This is the only explanation I can think of as to why I once cheated many years ago. I was a coward, afraid of falling in love and being vulnerable, so I acted in manners unbecoming of me. Thankfully years later she forgave me for being an ass clown, but I digress. Boys get scared and do some nutty things.

4. The sex is boring. - While this is a lame excuse it's one guys use all the time. As stated previously men get bored easily even if the girl does fuck like a porn star. Strange I know. Still it's kind of pathetic.

I once dated a girl for over a couple years and I never cheated. While this is not unusual in and of itself the catch was I never slept with her.

Seriously.

She was saving herself for marriage. When people found out about it they would often ask me why I put up with it. The best answer I could give was that I loved her. It was that simple.

Still it was hard, not just because of waiting till the wedding night, which obviously never came to be, but other women made it that much more difficult to stay faithful. Many a female found out about my celibacy and consequently a lot of them threw themselves at me. For some reason the fact that I vowed to respect my then girlfriend's decision to be a virgin until marriage made me hot in their eyes and I was continually offered a night of good loving from girls way out of my league. I never took them up on that, although I have to admit turning some of them down was harder than quitting smoking.

I should've kept their phone numbers as they would've come in handy after the girl broke up with me. I'm kind of dumb.

Women can be cruel, as are men of course, and they'll betray each other at the drop of a hat for selfish reasons. I guess the idea of stealing a man away from their beloved was exciting for them. While I don't condone cheating by any means, I can somewhat understand how a man can become weak willed when the temptation is all around.

Point is sex or no, a man who really is in love with their spouse will remain true to them. When a guy says the intimacy is lacking what they really mean is they're no longer into the one they're with. Sure great sex helps keeps a guy around and interested, but it's not the only element.

5. They're assholes - Look relationships should contain an element of respect and that includes not dipping your penis into random women to only do the same with your lady later. Spreading STDs is not a nice thing to do.

6. They don't like women. - You'll find many a guy who simply doesn't like nor respect girls. It should be obvious to women if the man they're involved with do or not. If they don't treat their mother well chances are they won't be good to you. Yes a lot of you should see the infidelity coming.

7. You were cheating. - If a guy finds out you've been slutting it up he'll knock up your best friend/family member almost immediately. Surprised? Most girls will do the same.

8. You won't shut your whore mouth while the men are talking. - Ok I'm kidding.

I hope this helps the female readership of One Bad Apple.

"Physical infidelity is the signal, the notice given, that all fidelities are undermined." - Katherine Anne Porter

Justicia

The recent Supreme Court decision regarding spending limits in campaigns has many a little hot in the collar which was to be expected. The longtime precedence of viewing a corporation as a person is baffling to me. A soulless entity who's only motivation is profit doesn't seem eligible to have the same rights as other citizens for reasons that I hope are obvious. Still the justices have ruled and we have to live with the consequences.

The anger coming from the public and media baffle me though. Just logging into my Facebook account I've seen many friend post outrage at the decision, but granted their research into the issue was a brief skimming of an online article or listening to the blowhard Olbermann comparing the decision to the Dred Scott case.

Actually I've heard a lot of pundits compare this recent ruling to the pre-Civil War (ahem War Between the States) case of ownership of slaves. I find myself on the side of the NAACP, believe it or not, in the fact that such comparisons are ludicrous. To believe that corporate money donations, or individual for that matter, are in any way in the same ballpark as human bondage cheapens the suffering of generations of inhabitants in our country who never knew freedom.

Yes I agree the ruling is unfair, but the Supreme Court must rule by what is constitutional and if we don't like what's said in the document it's up to us to change it. We bitch and moan about corporate money while we gladly throw ourselves into massive amounts of debt to make them rich buying things we in no way need. Most of us spend our careers making them wealthy. If you're really against the power these institutions wield then simply stop supporting them. It's just that simple.

Sadly the outrage will die quickly, because the idea of not giving Comcast a ton of money for high speed Internet is a foreign concept for most. We can't deprive ourselves of German porn after all.

"The Supreme Court's only armor is the cloak of public trust; its sole ammunition, the collective hopes of our society." - Irving R. Kaufman

Canis

After helping a friend move we got into a conversation about canines. They have two terriers that are treated like royalty. If I die and get reincarnated I want to be a dog owned by middle class suburbanites who don't want kids.

Growing up in the sticks with lots of land our dogs pretty much roamed around as much as they pleased. They ran all day, braved the elements, and just had fun doing what dogs do best.

Our family had a dog named Rusty. He was a good little mutt who was sweet and somewhat adventurous. He often liked to get into things and bring back home small dead rodents to the dismay of my mother. Rusty took it upon himself to chase any creature that stepped onto the property so we didn't have any problems with deer, possums, or the occasional cow that broke down a fence. One day though he surprised everyone.

I was twelve years old when I came home from school and was greeted by Rusty who had something in his mouth. He ran to my feet and dropped a magazine on the ground. I picked it up to find it was something out of the ordinary. My dog had retrieved an issue of Hustler magazine.

I called my friend Shawn, who lived up the road, to tell him the news.

Shawn: Rusty brought you porn?
Me: Yeah. I got off the bus and he....
Shawn: ....I'll be right over.

I was the most popular kid on the road for a week at least. My dog brought me porn from whereabouts unknown. Yes I miss that dog.

"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." - Abraham Lincoln

Rectus

"We have lots of Chinese people on the west coast," the tour guide said to the bus full of people. "And there are no cats or dogs."

Awkward silence ensued followed by nervous laughter. The lady in front of me turned around and voiced her displeasure about the Costa Rican's view of Cantonese cuisine. Now I'm not what you call a politically correct person. As my Chinese friend often calls me a 'cracker' I refer to her affectionately as a 'slanty eyed commie.' The ringtone I have set for my latino roommate is the Mexican hat dance, but sadly that's only because I haven't found the 'Frito Bandito' jingle available.

Context is key.

Given all that I was surprised by the tour guide's openness on his little fun in stereotyping. I normally keep my jokes amongst those who know me and get my sense of humor and assume most with the slightest amount of social graces would do the same.

One day we drove under an overpass and I saw swastika graffiti on the bridge. I remember feeling a bit disappointed in that, hoping it was just some punk just trying to be edgy without knowing what that truly meant. I imagined a kid with their pants around their ankles and on a gasoline high expressing no knowledge of what the symbol is to over half the world's population.

Another tour guide told us that most of the population of Costa Rica is not happy with the fact that they have at least 25% native blood. Interesting as most Americans who's family dates back pre-Civil War wears their indigenous heritage, no matter how small, like a badge.

It was the first time in all my travels abroad that I experienced racist behavior. Good to see the US hasn't cornered the market on that.

"The only nation I've ever been tempted to feel really racist about are the Swiss - a whole country of phobic hand washers living in a giant Barclays Bank." - Jonathan Raban

Thursday Music

We touched down in Costa Rica at 11p local time. After many hours of travel Dad and I were tired, hungry, and a drink was in order. After a short shuttle we arrive at the hotel and inquire about food. The staff offered us a 10% off coupon to the neighboring Denny's.

I look at my father.

"We're in Costa Rica," I said firmly. "We're so not eating at Denny's."

My Dad asked if there were any other places to eat that late and they all shook their head. Given how tired we were we didn't feel like exploring unfamiliar territory so we bit the bullet and took the coupon.

We walk into the familiar diner, decorated like every other you've seen, and the host asks us if we want smoking or non. I was taken aback as I haven't been asked that in I don't know how long. We were seated and hoped that the menu would have at least something that resembled the local flavor.

Again we were disappointed. There we were looking at the Super Bird, Moons Over My Hammy, etc on the menu. We did see they served beer and the waiter brought us some tasty drink called Bavarian Dark.

I started listening to the music playing in the background. Mostly it was awful hits from the 80s and 90s. It was one of the most random play lists ever as it switched from Laura Branigan's 'Gloria' to early Soundgarden. Then the real kicker came about. They started playing Snow's 'Informer'.

My father looked at me confused as he is pop culture retarded (something I kind of envy at times) and asked if I ever heard this before. He actually thought it was a song native to Central America, but I corrected him and said the hit was huge in the states in the early nineties. He shook his head and asked why anyone would want to listen to such 'bullshit'. I didn't have an answer. After listening to it again you probably won't either:



"If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk." - Oscar Wilde

We're back part 2

I have friends who absolutely hate to fly. One is so afraid of the concept of being in the air that he needs a serious amount of tranquilizers to where he's higher than Timothy Leary at a Dead show in order to step on a plane. Another pal just white knuckles it, but will only do it when it's not possible to drive or take a train.

I guess I'm lucky that I'm kind of fearless when it comes to aviation. Of course I make fun of those two calling them pansies for not accepting that flying is the safest way to travel.

As usual I eat my words with a side of sole.

Dad and I were flying into Costa Rica. The turbulence from the tropic air combined with the high winds was causing us to a big queasy as the plane bounced like a ADD child on a Pogo Ball. My waist started to hurt as the seat belt ground into me and kept me from levitating into the cabin. I've had some hairy flights before, but nothing like this.

The guy sitting next to me couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed the seat in front of him and started moving his lips. Perhaps he was converting to the faith of his fathers if he wasn't religious already. I couldn't blame him as I wanted to pick up my phone, FAA rules be damned, and call everyone and tell them I love them.

The plane started its descent and was swaying back and forth while jockeying for position. It still rocked up and down and I started to get more ill. We didn't actually land per se. We bounced down the runway till finally it stopped.

As we exited the plane the pilot stood there with a nervous smile. Dad thanked him for getting us there safely and the pilot nervously said it was his pleasure.

I was never so happy to be on the ground, but looking back I kind of wished I just sat back and enjoyed it. It was better than any roller coaster I've ever been on.

"Flying might not be all plain sailing, but the fun of it is worth the price." - Amelia Earhart

We're back.

"Seriously," I said. "You mean to tell me your travel agent booked us on a 24 hour layover in Seattle?" It seemed kind of odd considering the town we wanted to fly into from SeaTac is only an hour and a half drive.

"Yep," my father replied. "I didn't catch it."

I texted everyone I knew in Seattle who still have ties to Bellingham from our hotel in Costa Rica. Thankfully someone responded willing to help us.

We flew in from Houston on a flight delayed by over an hour. I decided I was tired of reading so the in flight movie was in order. They showed 'Love Happens' with Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhardt. Never heard of it? There's a reason for that.

I felt a nudge from my right. I took out my earphones and a sweet elderly woman told me the boy behind her has happy feet. I asked if she wanted me to say anything to the father, but the lady said no. She had chit chat on her mind and I was a captive audience.

The old woman talked about seeing her great grandkids in Houston and how their fathers are a bunch of screw ups. Her daughter was raising up a litter of her own grandchildren. Apparently there was a lot of family drama on this trip, but the matriarch really seemed to enjoy her time with family she doesn't see often. She asked me if she should go again and the two of us discussed future travel arrangements for her 82 year old self.

Her voice cracked a bit partially years of hard living. She spoke like a woman who spent most of her life trying to prove to herself how tough she is, but beyond that rough armor lied a sweet woman who wanted nothing more in life than to be around her family as much as possible.

To be continued....

Will return after these messages...

The staff at One Bad Apple will be on vacation for a week. Details to arrive when (if) we get back. Till then we wish all our dear readers happy blogging!

Thursday Music

As usual the gym is extremely packed in January with the people who make resolutions, but only stick around for maybe a month. The other day I got on the only free elliptical trainer which was right in front of a mirror. I saw my moobs go all bouncy bouncy like.

For some reason the Discovery Channel is no longer broadcasting Cash Cab during my workout times, which pisses me off more than it should, so after flipping through the channels on the screen in front of me I decided to listen to the music being blared by the gym.

Most of the songs were the crap you'd expect. Typical top 40 tunes brought to you by Brittney, Lady Gaga, etc. For whatever reason I hear Gary Jules' 'Mad World'.

What...the...hell...

I like the song. No seriously I do, but it's the worst workout tune I've ever heard. Do they expect people to cry while they exercise?

I should've been watching news anyways.

"I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette." - Anthony Hopkins

Tardus

Every time I meet someone from out of town who has decided to make Seattle their home they have the same question for me.

"Why," they ask. "Seriously why do Seattle drivers suck?"

I look at them and shake my head. I really don't have a proper answer for them, because it's a mystery to me as to why a city this size has statistically worse traffic than areas that dwarf us. I've only lived in Seattle/Eastside for less than ten years, but I can see myself start to become one of them. Yes those drivers who feel it immoral to drive anywhere near the posted speed limit, properly merge, or play the fun little game of 'let's see how long we can stay in this lane before I attempt to cross three of them' are rubbing off on me. I hate it.

I read a commentary recently where a guy humorously attempted to preach to people in the area how to drive better. It's a good list that all should read, but I think it left some important points. So this is to all of you who live and drive in Seattle. Critical tips from Wiwille:

1. Hills - This is a relatively easy obstacle to master, but has eluded 98% of you. Allow me to get all sciencey on you. When you come to a hill you may find your vehicle slowing a bit. This is because the gradual incline will require more power from your vehicle. The momentum causes more friction and the ratio of....oh screw it. Just press down a tad bit more on your gas pedal. Yes. It is just that simple.

2. Tunnels - When you enter a tunnel it is normally not necessary to immediately hit your brakes. No giant troll is waiting in the dark to attack your vehicle and steal your Starbucks white mocha. You can simply proceed at the normal rate of speed as you were before, maybe even...wait for it...the speed limit.

3. Turn signals - It amazes me that most of you can multitask in the car such as talk on the phone and/or text, but the simple switch located on the left of your steering column is so useless to you. You treat it as if it were a venomous snake, never touch it or it might bite you. Really it's a harmless device that will allow others to see where you're going and respond accordingly. Then again most of you never check your blind spot anyways since this that would take time from watching porn on your iPhone.

4. The horn - I know Seattle is the mecca of passive/aggressive behavior. I've experienced this many times and sadly I feel myself starting to become one of you. I see many of you pound your steering wheel in anger when someone in front of you makes a mistake, or feels compelled to wait 40 seconds to drive through a green light. The appropriate response would be to give them a gentle nudge by the way of honking your horn. Yes. Let that person who cut you off know what a dumb asshole they are. Give the person the finger even. They just might learn something. It's up to us to make the streets safer and more efficient. Think of the children!

5. Snow - Navigating through snow is easier than you may think and you only need to remember these simple rul....oh screw it. You're beyond help in this area. Just stay home, drink your hot toddies, and beat your children.

6. After congestion - Traffic can get really slow around here, but once the congestion ends it's ok to speed up to the posted speed limit within a thousand yards. No you don't have to drive 10mph under on the open road. That's never ok. Hit the gas. It's only polite, because some of us would like to get to our destination sometime this week.

So there you have it Seattle. You can always learn something by reading One Bad Apple.

"But perhaps the best advice I can offer to help lesson traffic around the area is this: Park it and take the bus. Seriously, the rest of us have places to go." - Brian Beckley

Commentary -- Seattle drivers: A mystery to me

Probrum

Kids now a days. No respect for their elders while they play their goddamn Lady Gaga music at decibels unfit for man or animal. They don't know how important it is to stay off my precious lawn, well if I had a lawn.

Anyways.

A friend of mine and I were talking about corporal punishment for children. She believed that spanking is a good thing, but I really didn't have much of an opinion on it. I like many in my generation had the father that slowly took off his belt while he asked why it was I decided that skateboarding off the roof was a good idea. I never look back at those with anger, shame, nor great fear. It was my punishment and part of the lesson was to man up and take it.

Others though disagree with the whole idea of the good swat. Many see it as cruel and seriously harms the well being of the child on into their adult years.

Well now there's a study that claims children who got their ass paddled for whatever reason turn into happier and more successful adults. I'm not kidding. Take that you pansies who think time outs are good enough. You want your kid to succeed whack em and then threaten to give them something to cry about. Serves them right for changing the channel during playoffs.

"Tired mothers find that spanking takes less time than reasoning and penetrates sooner to the seat of the memory." - Will Durant

Smacked children more successful later in life, study finds

Sermo

Free speech is a touchy issue to some and one a large majority of the world's population has refused to embrace. When the Danish cartoon riots sparked a few years back most people frowned upon the newspaper's lack of judgement in angering a group of extremists.

As I've written before I take the side of free speech and condemn people who respond violently. I refuse to treat them as children, because I expect people to behave appropriately in civilized society. It's just that simple.

One of the artists of those infamous cartoons has now come under attack by someone who didn't take kindly to drawing the prophet with a bomb as a turban. So serious was the man that he arrived at that cartoonists home with an ax and attempted to go all slasher flick, but thankfully the cops responded in time. The crazy man then thought it would be a good idea to attack the police, who respond as you would expect.

No the man's no Salmon Rushdie, but no one should ever fear death when speaking words. Granted some could use better judgement, but I'm tired of people being so oversensitive about such nonsense. Look, whatever faith you belong to, if you believe in a God that makes it his business to oversee the fact that you masturbate while driving you deserve to be made fun of. That simple. Grow the hell up. Your God can take care of him(her)self.

High horse. I ride it.

"Actually, in its purest form, Islam is incredibly tolerant. That makes what's going on in the world really bizarre." - Steve Earle

Attempt to Kill Danish Cartoonist Fails