True love

My love for my wife is eternal as I pledged to her that fateful day a few months ago. As I found out last night it's reciprocated.

My stomach was churning from digesting awful frozen Costco food that was consumed the previous evening. I complained about it and the wife handed me some Tums. I eat a couple hoping that it would help matters, to which it did, but not in a manner that was pleasant.

I take the dogs outside while the wife was lying in bed watching television. As I'm about to shut the door I felt the gas creep through me and I couldn't hold it any longer. I decided instead of wandering into the room with a farty butt I let it all out in the living room hoping the wife couldn't hear.

"OH MY GOD," she cried with a giggle. My attempts at stealth failed me as she worried about my colon rupturing.

We laughed it off as I stood still in the living room so not to bring the nauseating aroma into the bedroom. She thanked me.

I finally go in the room to watch television with her, but my butt had yet to release all of it's gaseous contents. I make an excuse to get a drink of water in the kitchen and it happened again, this time at a decibel so loud I'm sure our poor neighbors were shook awake.

"OH MY GOD," she repeated as she laughed some more. What she failed to realize is that I was doing some hip shaking in conjunction with each passing of the gas for reasons I can't explain. I guess if farting is worth doing, it's worth doing right. She did not bear witness to such comedy, but that's probably for the best.

Being a newlywed everyones' given me advice on everything from finances, child discipline, religion, and how to let her decorate everything if you want to maintain a happy relationship. No one had told me how to properly fart and for this they've all failed me. I think wedding officiants need to include this in couples' vows.

"I promise to stand beside you in sickness, in fartiness, and in health."

It doesn't exactly spark a romantic note, but all couples should take this into consideration when tying the knot. Thankfully my wife continues to be married to me after all I subjected her to last night. It was a good sign that I have a wonderful life partner.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut

Office relations

Yesterday I decided to partake in a quarterly catered lunch here at work. The food was ok at best as they served BBQ cuisine in a buffet style. It was edible and free, so I couldn't complain.

I was sitting in my cubicle typing away when I felt my intestines rumble. Gas was building in my stomach and I knew I was about to be as deadly as a nuclear weapon. Instead of exposing the dear souls sitting around me to my noxious ass I made a break for the bathroom.

I walked briskly, but each step made my stomach curdle more and the buildup to disaster even worse. I clenched it in and walked in a manner that made me look like I was disabled. I finally made it to the bathroom door and as I placed my hand on the knob I couldn't hold it anymore. The sound of the release resembled a foghorn and may have lasted as long.

No one was around to hear it, or so I thought. I hear a bunch of giggles from behind me and find three girls eyeballing me and taking much amusement in my fartiness. I excused myself and walked into the bathroom. I had nothing else left in me.

Keeping the office amused, it's what I do.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut

Doggie

Yesterday I arrive home to discover a new dog in our midst. Kelly and I are dog sitting a bulldog she once owned named Tank. He's an adorable pooch with an attentive personality and a sweet disposition. He doesn't seem to play that well with other dogs though, but he hasn't been too nasty to ours.

I like bulldogs, so it works for me. I think they're cute and they make funny sounds while in slumber, but there's one thing this Tank has that can and will drive me crazy. The dog has some terrible gas.

I'm not talking typical dog farts that only give a wrinkle in the nose in disgust. I'm talking about clearing the room, the neighborhood, or hell the whole town. I was in the shower this morning, which is laden with many a fragrant product, when I catch a wiff of Tank's noxious ass that almost made me pass out.

I think the Kaiser used bulldogs on the Western Front.

We're watching him until Friday, that is if our place doesn't become a threat to human health and the authorities don't send in their hazmat suit wearing folk for decontamination.

"Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity." -Margaret Halsey

Reach out and touch someone.

A couple of months ago Kelly and I decided to get a family plan for our cell phone service. As we were being helped by a salesman, who had an uncanny resemblance to a Sumo wrestler, advised us that if we were going to share coverage that one of us would need to change our phone numbers, because they have to be in the same market according to their corporate standards.

Odd, but I decided to get rid of the number I've had for a number of years and got something local to the Dallas area. The salesman looked at Kelly and told her that was the definition of commitment.

It wasn't hard to update my friends and family about the change, but I've received a number of calls from random folk apologizing for getting the wrong number. It doesn't happen often and always the callers are polite.

Recently though I've got some rather strange calls. About a week ago someone rang my cell and asked if I sniffed gopher farts.

"Not today," was my reply. They laughed and hung up. For a while I seemed to stop receiving unknown calls, until today. A person whose voice in no way resembled the first weird caller announced that his bladder infection was part of a Zionist plot and disconnected.

This makes me wonder about the nature of the person who had my number previously. Were they a victim of a lot of pranks? Are they a conspiracy nut, such as a Truther or Birther? Do they associate with like minded crazies? Were they recently arrested for storming into the Texas State Capitol building wearing nothing but a diaper on their head claiming they were responsible for the career of Shia LeBeouf?

Now one would normally advise me to stop answering calls from unrecognized number, but I won't do that. It's too entertaining.

"Frank Rizzo, that character is modeled on my dad." - Johnny Brennan

αέριο

So the wedding date has been set and the venue has been booked. It's all so wonderful and at the same time surreal. I'm doing all this grown up stuff, weddings, looking at houses, and talk of producing little Wiwilles has my head in a spin. Still I'm looking forward to being an adult and sharing my life with another.

I have but one issue that is burning me. Do couples fart at the altar?

I know that sounds crude, but I've been to over two hundred weddings as a photographer or guest, but I've never got an answer to a question of the highest importance. Do couples fart at the altar?

I've attended very long weddings and I always wonder if the bride and/or groom have to hold one in to avoid embarrassing their most blessed day. In large weddings where they're mic'd up they can't risk turning a silent one into a raging thunderous release of gas.

I probably should spend about an hour before the wedding releasing all I can so that I may spare my bride, minister, and all in attendance the suffering of my noxious farts. This may take some special planning.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut

Choose your own adventure with Wiwille

Page 1

You awake to the sound of a maddening alarm clock. Do you:

Hit the snooze button? Turn to page 5.
Crawl out of bed and get ready for work? Turn to page 2.

Page 2.

As you slowly crawl out of bed you realize that you've got a case of the morning wood. Do you:

Decide to take care of it before work? Turn to page 5.
Decide to instead let it go and keep the windows down in the car hoping the freezing cold will help junior not stand at salute? Turn to page 3.

Page 3.

In a haze you respond to all the text messages you received while you were asleep. You gather up your lunch and workout gear and head out the door of your apartment. You get into your car and start up your vehicle ready to head into work. You notice that you're a little low on gas. Do you:

Stop at the nearest gas station to fill up? Turn to page 5.
Decide to let it go hoping you'll make it? Turn to page 4.

Page 4.

You head down the freeway anticipating traffic. All seems normal until some meth addict trucker swerves into your lane for no apparent reason. Do you:

Swerve out of the way and pull up along side the trucker making your displeasure known by giving him the finger? Turn to page 12.
Let it go and drive on? Turn to page 6.

Page 5.

Your dillydallying has resulted in you showing up late for work. You're fired. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 6.

You arrive at work and realize the text messages you sent earlier were intended for another person. After you publish your latest blog and updating your Facebook status do you:

Decide to respond appropriately to all? Turn to page 7.
Let it go unresolved? Turn to page 9.

Page 7.

After a busy day of work you pack up your laptop and head to the gym. As you enter the workout room you see a hot woman working out on the elliptical trainer from behind. Do you:

Stare at that fine looking body intently for longer than is appropriate? Turn to page 11.
Quickly glance away knowing that it's kinda creepy to be oogling someone like that at a gym? Turn to page 8.

Page 8.

You mount the elliptical trainer and do your workout all the while watching Cash Cab. Afterwards you hit the weights and then hit the showers. You start to head home. After filling your gas tank finally you take the short commute. You walk up to your place ready to make dinner. You suddenly pass your incredibly hot neighbor. Do you:

Smile and make polite contact? Turn to page 10.
Try and hold in that fart you've been saving to release into your roommate's bedroom? Turn to page 13.

Page 9.

Your boss stops by your cube and fires you for texting him the message 'You're a complete assclown' earlier that day. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 10.

After exchanging pleasantries you enter your home and make dinner. After a scrumptious meal you catch up on phone calls and watch some news. You then practice your guitar while watching a movie. Afterwards you log in to your computer, chat with friends, then lay your head down for some shut eye. You are awakened by another text message. Do you:

Wake up and respond in a haze? Turn to page 14.
Decide to let it go until morning? Turn to page 1.

Page 11.

You mount the elliptical trainer next to her. After seeing her face you realize she's all of 16. Chris Hanson walks in and asks you to have a seat over there. You will be forever immortalized on Dateline. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 12.

The trucker follows you into work. He steps out of his vehicle and beats you savagely with a baseball bat. You crawl into the office late and your boss fires you. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 13.

You can't hold in your noxious gasses any longer and create an epic fart in front of the fair maiden. You have just destroyed any delusions you may have had about possibly dating the girl. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 14.

You respond incoherently and go back to bed. Go to page 1.

"You read them as a kid and they captured your imagination. Now they are back for the next generation. They are Choose Your Own Adventure books." - Comicgeekspeak.com

Bencina

Monday I had an all day meeting with my boss's boss and others in the organization. We get together every quarter to discuss objectives, planning, and/or projects. I'm somewhat intimidated with the group as I'm clearly the lowest in the totem pole present, but I enjoy being there as I learn a lot about businesses that I don't normally have exposure to.

My boss was there and was tasked with coming up with an ice breaker. Usually they consist of 'where was your last vacation' kind of questions, but my manager decided to take a different approach. He decided that everyone would tell their most embarrassing incident that of course could be told in polite society. Afterwards we were to write on a post-it which one we liked best and turn our ballots in to determine a winner.

Him, a colleague, and his boss tell their tales of blush. It was now my turn to broadcast my most embarrassing incident. I couldn't tell them the horn night for obvious reasons, but that's more funny than anything. The night where my friend and I decided to be rock stars or the more recent Rockband playing might suffice, but it's not enough. The middle school play could've worked and although I was there it didn't happen to me and it's pushing the limits of good taste. Of course my bouts with vomiting in public are good, but I don't need to add to the reputation that I drink too much.

The middle school fart story. Oh my. Yes that was the one I chose to tell. It has everything. Young crushes, cute girls, white trash, and farts.

I won.

Today I'm talking with my roommate/coworker and I start to tell him about the ice breaker at the meeting the other day. He cut me off.

"The fart story," he said? "That's everywhere now."

Great. Just great.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut

Bencina

"Have you ever farted yourself awake?" she asked via text.

"No," I responded. "Your ex-boyfriend woke me with his gas."

Him and I used to sleep in one room on bunk beds. Not exactly the best of living conditions, but overall it worked as best it could. As studies would indicate everyone releases a certain amount of gas as they are in slumber and my then roommate was no exception. I slept on the top bunk and a few times awoke to an odor I could only recognize as coming from a human anus. Funny thing is he would giggle while semi conscious after the fact.

This conversation lead to scenarios in where significant others have woken me with their gaseousness. Is that a word? Anyways a few times spooning I was knocked awake with the rumble of a fart. One girl I dated for a short while made it quite the habit. When I brought it up to her she apologized for not warning me about her intestinal issues earlier, but I told her not to be sorry as I thought it was hilarious.

After detailing this to a friend she said I got the 'stinky nuts.'

Granted she was not the first girl to do this while asleep, nor the last, but thinking about all the women who have been in such a state of relax that my body was bombarded with gas I wonder if I've ever rudely awoke someone with my own. Hmm....

I need a better diet if I ever plan on getting a girlfriend.

"My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away." - Jenny McCarthy

Thursday Music

So I'm driving to work this morning all tired and my belly starts making it's early calls for some breakfast. While my stomach is rumbling loudly I hear Seether's cover of 'Careless Whisper' come blaring over the stereo.

This will not do.

With my sleep schedule all kinds of sideways due to a recent hospital stay my mental condition may be what one would call a little off. I kept the stereo at it's present station and started humming along with the tune. Then I started making up my own lyrics.

"I'm never going to fart again...deadly gas has got no rhythm...so it's easy to pretend...constipation is a rule...should've known better than to eat some cheese...and wasted toots have smelled much better...so I'm never gonna fart again...the way I did in front of youuuuuuuu..."

I need coffee.

"Even though it wasn't written about an optimistic experience, I opted to see a positive in the situation. Rather than my usual reaction, which would be to get all piss-y and moan-y about it." - Shaun Morgan

Plagarism

"I never make your blog," he said. "My Craigslist post has made it all over the internet. I'm an internet sensation."

"You've got your 15 minutes," I replied. "I've never gotten that."

"Yeah," he replied. "But your blog made Time magazine."

"True," I said. "I think only four people read that though."

"It sucks, cause I'm being plagiarized. People are posting that Craigslist ad as their own. You need to put it on your blog."

"Okay. I'll set the record straight with my four readers."

My friend Tad, aka The Jiggaman (pic above), went on a date that did not end well. When I say it didn't hit the romantic note most would expect when the ritual of boy meets girl is over I mean it ended in ways that was a tragedy of almost biblical proportions. After the outing Tad tried to contact the girl many times, but to no avail. She wouldn't answer his requests to speak with her. Feeling desperate to see this woman again he decided to turn to what everyone uses to seek one out. He posted his request on Craigslist. Below is said ad:

"We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…"

Indeed this post has circulated the internet faster than a case genital warts on a Saturday night in Capitol Hill. The post became so famous he even made the local news. (Scroll down till you see the bald, heavy set Asian guy kissing a pint of beer.)

Indeed this Craigslist post has been reposted and plagiarized to a great extent. Many are claiming authorship of said ad and this amuses and somewhat frustrates the Jiggaman. This fine crafted work of penmanship has been ripped off numerous times by those less clever. This will not do. I declare this day that the infamous work by my friend Tad will not be credited by those who are too lazy to put their wits to paper, or the internet in this case. The good fight will indeed be fought by the staff at Erik's Ramblings.

I'm shocked, shocked I tell you to report that after Tad finally made contact with the subject of his Craigslist ad that she declined to meet for a second date.

Stay tuned for the application to date Tad posted here on Erik's Ramblings. I know the suspense is killing you ladies.

"Two weeks ago, the woman finally contacted Keppler. She told him to “move on.” And he is—Keppler moved to Seattle last week in the hopes of finding a new job. But WW still salutes him—either for his ability to make up a damn funny Internet joke or his determination to pursue a whiff of true love, no matter how crappy the situation." - Kelly Clarke, Samantha Herman, Casey Jarman, John Minervini & James Pitkin of Willamette Week

They may take our lives....

My complex is finally clear of ice and I'm ready to brave the roads. This pleases me. No longer will I have to be stuck here at my apartment spending quality time alone.....err....I mean playing video games and watching movies. Yeah that's it.

So today I'll leave you with a meme that I stole from Claire. Enjoy.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Well some random guy grabbed my packaged and said hello. I didn't punch him. I call that a victory.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I did resolve to sing more Neil Diamond songs and accomplished just that.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not anyone close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no.

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Anne Hathaway

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My birthday. Quite possibly the most bittersweet birthday I've ever had.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
That I'm still employed.

9. What was your biggest failure?
My personal life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lost 20% of my left kidney to some strange blood clot. Very surreal.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A gift for someone I hold dear.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Just the fact that the people in my life put up with me deserves celebration. Andrea and Justin's wedding was definatley a reason to drink up.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Besides my own?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Beer

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being able to leave my home. Drinking.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Nothing in particular.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
Happier, thinner, richer, but really not content for whatever reason.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Something less self destructive.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Fart

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas Eve drinking and staying up late with my best friend. Holiday cheer!

21. Did you meet/date anyone special in 2008?
Yes I did.

What the hell happened to 22?

23. How many one-night stands?
Only one and god bless her for she's way hot.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Chuck

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hmmm, well no one that's not involved in politics.

26. What was the best book you read?
John Adams

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Once

28. What did you want and get?
Beer

29. What did you want and not get?
Scarlett

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Slumdog Millionaire

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I drank with my best friend and turned 33. Deja Vu?

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More boobs.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I complete revamped my wardrobe.

34. What kept you sane?
Beer

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
You haven't read this blog much have you?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The recent turmoil in Gaza.

First 22 and now 37 is missing?

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I've met so many this year it would be ridiculous to name just one.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
The people in your life are the most valuable asset you'll ever have.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Pardon me boy, is that the Chatanooga Choo Choo?

"Why do you judge me as a musician, John? All I'm interested in is making money." - Glenn Miller

Wiwille assualts women, ends poorly

Years ago I was involved in a relationship that lets just say was unhealthy. The girl I was seeing was an angry one who was loaded with daddy issues and a string of ex-boyfriends who scorned her. She was a jealous sort who didn't like the idea of me being out of her sight claiming I was cheating on her at every opportunity.

One evening I wanted a guy's night out. A few friends were upset that I wasn't spending too much time with them so I threw a little get together where me and the boys would hang at my place. When I told this to my then girlfriend she was none too happy and proceeded to throw a fit on the phone. After patiently listening to her scream at me and accuse me of infidelity I told her to grow up and hung up the phone.

This did not have the desired effect I was hoping for.

A few hours went by as a few guys and myself were sitting around enjoying our beer. It was a pretty quiet evening as we just sat and listened to music and just had normal guy chatter. A rapping at the lock came upon the door and suddenly she waltzed in. She stopped and observed us for a moment, then slammed the door and proceeded to scream at me. She was accusing all of us of being drunkards (which wasn't too much of a stretch) and how we were a bunch of pigs. She went on to yell about how she believed we were hiding girls somewhere and started searching the place.

I went after her in an attempt to calm her down, but I failed miserably. I only made her more angry and her behavior became more irrational as she opened drawers and was throwing the contents on the floor. She was looking for midget floozies apparently.

Finally her display of wanton bitchiness came to a close. After ordering her out of the place numerous times she finally consented, but not before flinging various profanities at me. She strutted through the living room ready to make her exit. Her back was turned to me as I made a pretend kick at her butt. As I lifted my right foot my left one slipped causing an inadvertent connection of my foot on her ass. Making matters worse the connection to her butt made her fart loudly.

Everyone freezes in position no matter what they were doing. Gasps were heard. No good can come from this.

She turns around grabbing her own butt. Her face started to glow red as her body shook with fury. Her fists started to clench and I knew what was coming next. I just left my hands at my side and took a closed fist jab to the jaw.

See this is the thing I can't figure out about that night. She barges in and proceeds to embarrass me and herself throwing a tantrum and ransacking my home. Still I believed that because I tapped her in the butt with my foot I deserved a punch to the jaw.

I take a couple steps back and look at her. She was still visibly angry, but quiet which was a nice change. I grabbed her by the arm and escorted her to her car. I made it clear I never wanted to hear or see her again. The insults and screaming started to take place again as she let me and the rest of North America understand how much of an asshole I am.

She called the next day asking if we could work it out. I told her there would be no chance of that ever happening. That was the glorious end to a two month relationship.

"If you give me any problem in America I can trace it down to domestic violence. It is the cradle of most of the problems, economic, psychological, educational." - Salma Hayek

Wiwille eats. Does not sit well.

Super Bowl. What a glorious day it is. This year I attended a Super Bowl party at my friend Elli's and a good time was had by all. I ate chili dogs and various other finger foods. Beer was consumed, but no one ended up urinating in the seven layer dip bowl as a result.

The game was one of the best Super Bowls I've seen in years. I didn't care who won as I didn't get the memo that you must hate the Patriots to be cool, but I wanted a strong defensive battle and that's what I got. I can't feel too sorry for Tom Brady as he's probably sleeping with various supermodels right now to ease the pain of his loss.

The commercials were pretty cool including a great Godfather tribute.

I said my goodbyes and started to walk out the door. Immediatley as I stepped out I let out a huge fart. I mean this was classic gas eligible for an Wiwille world record. Elli quickly shut the door for obvious reasons. Whew. It was a long drive back home to Seattle with the windows rolled down. I'm not as young as I used to be.

"I've had just about everything punched. I've had things grabbed that just shouldn't be grabbed." - Tom Brady

You know who also farted?

In dark times as these it's easy to use a Hitler comparison when judging current dictators, or alleged dictators to be. While some of the similarities may seem shocking I find the remarks simple if not misguided. Comparing anyone to the leader of the Third Reich provides some sort of shock value, but we should judge our leaders on their own actions and not try and devalue the debate by bringing one of the world's ugliest tyrants into the discord.

Still we can compare a certain blogger to him, which makes me depressed. Yes one of the masters of genocide and noted vegetarian farted a lot. Apparently the Führer had a problem with being gassy just like the author of this blog. Does this mean Wiwille may grow up to be like him? Is this a call to all readers to stop Erik's Ramblings before it takes over Europe? Or at least Poland? Okay Bothell?

Okay I got kind of silly there. I know we shouldn't joke about Hitler, but I find stories about him farting a lot really funny. Yeah I'm pretty juvenile.

"Colossal flatulence occurred on a scale I have seldom encountered before,” - Theo Morell, private doctor to Hitler.



Scent of a Führer

Embarrasing moments with Wiwille

As a young lad I was confused about women. Unsure of what girls liked and didn't I often made a complete ass of myself trying to impress women with various jokes, posturing, and stunts that ended with me requiring stitches. As embarrassing as those are to think about I never was more horrified then an incident at a local store.

During middle school my friend Shawn and I lived in the sticks and often we would trek down to the local country store for sodas and jo-jos. We mounted our bikes one day and made a journey to appease the junk food gods wondering if an adventure behold us. Out in the country not much happened, but if it did it was usually at the local country store.

To give you a bit of background the store was a mini-mart of sorts complete with gas station. Across from it was an Assembly of God church, an animal feed store, and a tavern. There was also a building that was unoccupied for years and some mullet sporting guy would park his van in front of it and hang with his white trash buddies. The van had 'sex machine' written on the back window. Yes this crowd was a class act.

Still given the lack of entertainment out where no one had cable television the country store was the place to be. Kids my age would hang around the store in Jay and Silent Bob fashion and kill time. We'd sit and tell stories and watch the crowd around the sex machine van fight, smoke pot, and talk about how they've banged every girl in the area.

The day Shawn and I arrived at the country store seemed to be uneventful, but proved to be one of the most horrifying moments of my middle school years. I was standing at the refrigerator deciding on what soda I would soon be consuming when Bobbi came in. Ah yes Bobbi, one of the hottest girls I knew. She was a short blonde with blue eyes and knew I was into her, but too afraid to do anything about it. She would tease and flirt with me, but again at that age a woman had to hit me over the head with a 2x4 to make me realize they were available.

So Bobbi tried a new method of getting my attention. As her and her friends walked by they said hi and she pinched my ass. Yes I said pinched my ass. What Bobbi failed to realize is that I was feeling rather gassy that day and as she placed her fingers on my butt I farted all over her. She stopped, looked at me in shock, and I bolted out the door.

Shawn looked at me as I was passing him and asked what was going on. I put up my hand, mounted my bike, and did my best impression of Lance Armstrong home. Kids that age are cruel and I expected a lashing for it, but thankfully Bobbi kept that one to herself.

She and I never dated.

"Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time." - Lyndon B. Johnson

The art of nonsense

At work we have an employee maintained bulletin board which features various ads for housing, cars, and local theatre. Being a diverse workplace we also see other fliers for seminars based on Eastern holistic remedies and lifestyles. Most of them have pictures of some guru with a long beard who invites you to experience peace and harmony through the joy of breath.

The Art of Living is just one of the many pamphlets hanging from the cork board. It seems like a happy little organization designed to instill peace and prosperity to it's students around the world through simple meditation techniques. According to their website you can take a course on "The Miracle of Breath", which sounds just damn funny to me.

While I appreciate the idea of my fellow co-workers inviting me to experience the joy of existence through simple biological functions I doubt they would appreciate it if I endorsed a "Joy of Farting" course. I could grow a beard and wear robes and explain to people how breaking wind will enhance their being. By letting go of gaseous substances in the body one can cleanse oneself of toxins and feel healthier. They can also benefit from the humor derived from passing gas in your colleague's cubical.

The founder of 'The Art of Living', who calls himself his holiness, doesn't seem to grasp that the only aspect of true happiness one needs is Ann Hathaway's cleavage.

"A few times of the healing breath fully relaxes you. Your life becomes more total. All the faces of your personality come together to make you one whole person. Do the healing breath and meditate. these practices completely transforms you and kindle the love deep inside." - His Holiness Sri Sri Ravi Shankar