Apr 17, 2012
My wife made friends with a woman through her work who is married to an apparent former boyfriend of my wife. My wife, however, adamantly denies they were ever involved. The four of us socialize on occasion at casual dinners with others or parties in our homes.
My wife seems drawn to this man in any social situation. Thirty seconds after I met him for the first time, which was two years ago, he told me he and my wife had not seen each other in over 20 years and did not speak at class reunions.
Then he said, "It was really awkward when your wife and I reconciled, but we got over it and we're glad we did." Since we were in a public setting and I did not know this man, I was cautious about asking what he meant.
There are always innuendos about their past. They might be talking about high school and someone will ask, "What else did you guys do together?" You could cut the awkward silence with a knife while they lean together, touch foreheads, wink or giggle and don’t say a word.
Another time I mentioned after my wife had her wisdom teeth out, I had to pour her into bed, half-naked and totally out of it. This man blurted out, "Oh, yeah, I've seen her like that!" Then he turned to his wife and sternly insisted it happened "back in the day...back in the day." My wife never said a word. Everyone around us was stunned.
Last fall this man called to wish my wife a happy birthday. She giggled like an infatuated schoolgirl the whole 40 minute phone call. She kept saying things like, "Oh yes, your voice does sound better. Are you getting enough sleep?" I was fuming, but our kids were home so I didn't question her.
At this man's father's funeral, he and my wife embraced for five solid minutes. His arms were wrapped low around her waist and their bodies pressed tightly together while they pressed foreheads and chatted. I stood by, embarrassed in a room of 100 people.
It feels like I'm being tested to see how far I can be pushed. How do I approach my wife? I'm afraid to bring it up for fear of the ultimate repercussions.
I'll have to hand it to you Zach, for not going all violent on this man when he openly states he saw your wife in various states of undress. A lesser man, namely me, would've punched him in the throat.
Being married is about trust, and you should trust her to a point, but when she continues in actions that are highly inappropriate it's normal to address it accordingly, and soon. They've gotten away with this behavior already, and they'll just continue to do so until you say or do something. Your wife clearly has unresolved issues with this guy, and if you're unclear of this fact, ask her if she does. If she gets defensive and angry, you'll know I'm right. She may just flat out admit it.
I would talk to the guy as well about his intentions with your wife. Sure he may go all Hong-Kong Fooey on you, but as my parents always told me, let him swing first, and make him regret that decision. At the very least he'll go to jail, and you'll have your evidence of his feelings towards your wife. Oh and if she wants to bail him out, it's high time to see an attorney.
But really, you have all the evidence you need already that they still have feelings for each other. Get the kids a babysitter, go out to dinner, and bring it up. Tell her exactly how this behavior has made you uncomfortable, and if it continues problems in the marriage will arise. She'll say "you need to trust me" and what not, but it's more important that she needs to act appropriately and not dance around the fact that she wants to be with this guy in some fashion. They're both playing this slow, and their spouses are watching it go on with no intervention. If this continues this won't end well.
I can understand fearing the repercussions of such a discussion, but not doing anything will end your marriage in a fashion you should expect. If she really wants to leave, she'll do so, but fight for your family. If you don't, your wife will see you as a pussy, and she'll fall deeper for her former flame for being the alpha male in this.
"You have a choice. Raise this issue and test the strength of your marriage, or do nothing and wait for your life to collapse around you." - Wayne & Tamara