Jan 11, 2007

Wiwille's open letter to Justin Timberlake.


Recently I've discovered through a major news source, which should be above printing stories about celebrity culture, that you may indeed be dating Scarlett Johansson. I'm writing this on behalf of all men, and some women in fact, of our feelings about this.

You've lead a charmed life thus far. Riding the wave of the boy bands during the late nineties you've enjoyed the many riches and fame that came with it. Along with the fortune you've earned you have capitalized on such infamy by staking a claim in the greatest prize men only dream of and that is women.

You seem to have it all. You've hit the genetic lottery, have an arguable amount of talent with your singing and now acting career, and most of the female population, even those that don't care for your music, seem to be taken with the idea that you're funny and have a lot of charm.

Yes Justin the long list of hot celebrities you've been attached to can make even Hugh Hefner envious. You dated Brittney when she was actually desirable. Some men would make the claim that your recent ex, Cameron Diaz, is not that hot, but I'm willing to bet all of them would pay a few hundred dollars just to be in the same room with her.

Then I heard that you once dated my old childhood crush Alyssa Milano. Since I was eight years old I dreamed of the day that the star of Poison Ivy part 2 would one day agree to marry me, but after hearing that she let you be seen with her I abandoned all far fetched notions that I would even stand a chance with her.

Scarlett came upon the world with her vintage pin-up hotness and many men were swooned by it. Her figure was almost a godsend, reminding us that stick figure women were not going to dominate the silver screen and we all cried out with joy upon her arrival as an A lister. Simply looking at her reminds us of yester year, of days most believe were a simpler, nobler time. Yes Ms. Johannson not only provides us with something beautiful to look at and fantasies that help deplete the world's kitten population, but her beauty gives us hope.

Now upon hearing the reports that you've convinced Scarlett Johannson that dating you was a good idea I am torn about how I feel about you. Hell she may be so taken with you that you can freely admit you never sat through The Island. Most men would hate you for this, but I don't. I can't blame you for your desire for her. In fact courting her may be the most important thing you ever do. Actually it's the boldest achievement in mankind. I'm sure if Gandhi were alive he would humbly admit that for all his accomplishments none were so great as he who sleeps with Scarlett. She may be a raging bitch for all I know, one that ridicules the homeless by throwing the heads of puppies at them, but my image of her will never be tarnished.

You're almost like the Tommy Lee of boy bands, but even he is jealous of you now. He would probably saw off a few inches of his massive member just to live like you for a day.

At first I almost took it personally that you've ruined any small chance I may have had at two of my favorite women, but really I would do the same in your position. You may sit there in your mansion laughing at the little people who sell their souls to Satan everyday in hopes they achieve what you have. You may even punish your servants for bringing you low quality cocaine by putting out your cigars on their necks, but in the eyes of men worldwide you have become their unspoken hero.

Many men who express hate for you are often countered, usually by women, with the 'oh you're just jealous' line. Our jealousy is indeed evident, but you're too hot for us to compete with and therefore you're a constant reminder that our dreams may never come true.


“One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy.” - Scarlett Johansson


Adrian said...

Amen...assuming the reports are true

whatigotsofar said...

Remember the good ol' days when all the rock stars were just banging groupies?

Scott said...

I had not heard this news... so so sad.

rawbean said...

awhhh....poor wiwille.

Mattbear said...

I wept openly. Truly moving.