May 19, 2009

Wiwille's letter to his imaginary daughter

My dear daughter,

I've watched you grow into a beautiful young lady and while it's been a joy to witness this, the time has come for that talk. While we already had this in person I feel it's best to summarize everything here and let it be a matter of record.

When I was young my friends used to joke about me being that kind of father who would stand in front of the house with a shotgun every time my daughter would be taken on a date. While yes I can be protective, sometimes to a fault, I figured it best to teach you some lessons I felt valuable when a man attempted to court you.

You see as a father I felt my most important role is to ensure to the best of my ability the safety of you and your mother, even if it came at my own expense. My next duty was to teach you values that your Mom and I believed would assist you in having a rich, full life. She decided that it was my responsibility to tell you about men; how they think, act, etc.

Now that you're of age to date I feel compelled to give you some advice from a male perspective regarding the ritual of dating. Granted the dos and don'ts of boy-meets-girl have changed significantly as many other teenage social norms, but I believe there are some truths that are universal as well as timeless.

I can't control what kind of man you're attracted to, sadly. The best bit of advice I can give regarding chemistry is don't try and be a 'fixer'. I know many girls enjoy what they refer to as a 'project', someone who they can mold to their liking. It's like when you were little and enjoyed dressing up dolls. While aesthetics can be changed major character flaws cannot. Boys stop progressing about the time they learn to tie their own shoes. If you see a serious red flag regarding their psyche, just walk away.

Your mother will agree that I was a bit rough around the edges when we met and if she spoke honestly she enjoyed refining certain tastes I have. I have no idea what she saw in me otherwise and maybe you feel the same. Still she never tried to perform a massive overhaul regarding my personality which makes me hope that it was perfect already. Okay maybe not perfect, but tolerable at least.

I thank God every day you got the looks of your mother and not me. It's helped you turn into the beautiful young lady you are, but sadly as a father I must be wary of the mindset of young lads.

Don't ask how I know this, but boys will do and say anything to get you naked. Anything. They will tell you they love you, go into massive amounts of debt, and risk life and limb just to get a glimpse of you without your shirt. Do not fall for any of these tactics. All that is on the mind of boys is eating and sex. Seriously. This is the primary topic they think about for twenty four hours a day.

Now I know I may be unrealistic to assume you'll save yourself until marriage, but it's the wish of your mother and me. Both of us have seen many girls get hurt and sex complicates matters of the heart. I've taught you enough about intercourse, which was as pleasant as a Drano enema, but if you really want a good test of a man's character and adoration for you make them wait. Just trust me on this one.

The boy who you choose to associate with must, and I mean must, be a gentleman at all times. You know my standards. Follow them.

You have been trained to use mace and are well skilled in the martial arts, but I want you to remember that if any man tries to have their way with you or raises a hand to you in anger feel free to utilize the skills you've been taught. I've done my best to make sure you fall victim to no man. Do not show an ounce a fear.

That being said never strike first. I know at times your mother has wanted to crack my skull open with the coffee table, especially over the whole blueberry incident, and whether I deserved it or not is arguable I know, but no matter how much someone may make you crazy you are to never hit them.

You may be thinking that I’m just trying to ensure you date a guy like me, which for most fathers it’s true. This isn’t the case here. I want you to be with someone better.

Remember you’ll always be my little princess no matter what choices you make.

Your loving father,

"Children wish fathers looked but with their eyes; fathers that children with their judgment looked; and either may be wrong." - William Shakespeare


Rebecca said...

That war actually funny in places, heartwarming in others and a bit odd as most guys I know don't have tomorrow planned, much less advice planned to pass down to an unborn child with an unknown woman. But, I hope you get the dream. You deserve it

Anonymous said...

Yes, I agree this is odd and just well... whatever... you'll just delete the comment if I say anything else.

wigsf said...

What's this blueberry incident? Details, my man, details.

JLee said...

Yeah, I wanna hear about this blueberry thing too. ha

Miss Ash said...

I remember that man who gave the last lecture had advice for his daughter(s) (I forget if he had one or two). Anyway he wanted to tell them to pay attention not to what a man says but to what a man does. Actions speak louder than words.....nothing is more true. Aww he died last year :(

Mattbear said...

To go along with this odd but insightful post, there's "1001 Rules for my Unborn Son":

The formatting sucks, and no one is going to agree with all the "rules" (and there aren't 1001 yet), but it's still cool.