Sep 2, 2009

Wiwille fights bears

I had a very strange dream last night.

My friend Corey was getting married and as a wedding present he asked that I purchase a DVD copy of a Canadian film which wasn't available in the States. An odd request and for the life of me I can't recall what the title was, but I decided to venture north with my friend Andrew.

We were driving up I-5 when Andrew asked that we listen to 'Wouldn't it be Good' over and over again. I asked why and he started screaming at me saying it's the only song that should ever be played as any others were the work of the dark lord Satan. I accused him of sounding like my parents which threw the good lad into a rage as he pounded the dash board demanding that I play the pop tune. I decided to comply with his request.

We make it across the border without incident, but as soon as we crossed the line the entire country was covered in snow. It was like we were transported to the tundra. I pull over to get some gasoline and walk into the store. There was a selection of DVDs and I asked the clerk if they had the movie I was referring to, but he said I could only get it by walking across this frozen field with a guide. I inquired further about why that seemed necessary and he said the movie was deliberately made for only that kind of distribution.

I couldn't figure out if it was a tourism scam or if my friend was into some really kinky porn. Both would've been acceptable.

Anyways some large man came into the store with a boom box playing 'Wouldn't it be Good'. He was dancing along with the song for whatever reason. I left to find the guide.

Andrew and I found the shack with a large amount of people waiting to take the same hike as we. They were all wearing funny hats and mittens. The guide appeared and looked to be in his early forties and bore a strong resemblance to Grizzly Adams. We followed him on his trek to find this film.

We came upon a river and the guide stopped us and asked that we stand still as he was going to show us some bears. I told him that was the worst idea I've ever heard, but he assured me there was nothing to fear. I wasn't buying it though so I took some steps back as I saw two large bears approach the man. What's strange about them was the fact that their fur was blue and mostly patchy. They looked like they were featured in a Resident Evil game.

I backed up even further asking Andrew to do the same. He called me a pansy and stayed close to the guide as did everyone else. Suddenly the bears must have gotten hungry for they lunged at the man and tore him to shreds. Everyone scattered as I walked backwards into a patch of woods. The bears seemed to have their fill of the Canadian and stopped and looked directly at me.

Shit.

They started running towards me as I decided fleeing would be my best option for survival. I tear off into the woods and do my best impression of Carl Lewis. I see before me a Grizzly the size of a Hummer heading towards me. The large bear jumped over me and attacked the my predators making quick dinner out of both. I continue my pace out of there when another blue bear jumped out of nowhere and stood snarling at me. I pick up two large branches from the ground and went into Arnis mode striking the large animal in the skull multiple times. Finally it dropped to the ground bleeding and whimpering.

I run again to the field and finally to my car. Andrew was standing next to it listening to 'Wouldn't it be Good.' Acting as if nothing has happened he mentioned he found a copy of the DVD laying next to the mutilated corpse of the guide and that we should be on our way. I agreed that would be a good idea and we both got in my vehicle and headed back. The dream ended with him snapping his fingers along to the music and asked if I had creamy peanut butter with raisins.

I had nothing exotic for dinner last night.

"Americans know as much about Canada as straight people do about gays. Americans arrive at the border with skis in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase. A very long phase." - Scott Thompson

5 comments:

wigsf said...

The movie was either Porky's or Screwballs, right?

Mattbear said...

What a horrible song. I'd never heard that before, and I really would have been happier if I never had. Thanks.

I think Pablo has been mixing CDs with the same song repeated over and over and random words spoken in between repeats - "Canadian DVD", song, "blue bear", song, etc. - and playing them next to your head after you're asleep.

Either that, or he mixed a little LSD into your toothpaste.

Claire said...

Oh man. That's messed up.

Cxx

Miss Ash said...

Did you by chance watch Grizzly Man recently??? Tim T was an interesting and by interesting I mean oddly fascinating bloke.

Kelli said...

A bear, in dreams, represents problems in life. The size of the bear is how big you see the problem. How you react to the bear is how you react to problems. Obviously, you are cautious from the get go... then you run. Unfortunately, you only face the problem once it shows up repeatedly.