Americana

My Memorial Day weekend was pure American. Sure I had those private reflections on those who have fallen in service of our country, but as we all know most in the US use the time for personal leisure and other selfish wants.

Kelly and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat, which was an exciting moment indeed. It brought a bit more of the reality that we'll be parents sooner than we know it.

I bbq'd some pork chops on Friday, which were smothered in marinated goodness. It turned out to be quite a success. Yesterday I attended a bbq with the in-laws. Red meat was consumed and beer floated to my belly and we even purchased lemonade from a child's drink stand. It twas a good day, except for the excitement earlier.

I was sitting at home watching television when I hear my named being shouted. I run to the garage to see my wife on the other side of the vehicle in panic mode. She told me to keep the dogs out of the garage, which I thought was weird. She then pointed out a spider the size of which I've never seen on the floor of the driver's side of her car. I put on shoes to dispose of it, but she had me take the bug spray and hose it. I squirted the toxic fluid all over it, but to little effect as it crawled in it's creepy way. Finally I squashed the thing with my foot and heard the spider's guts crunch. Satisfied that it met it's demise I kicked it out of the building knowing we were safe from the wrath of the eight legged beast.

I hate spiders for reasons I can't explain, so every time I do battle with them I feel like Samwise Gamgee. My wife fears anything with more than four legs and extermination falls upon me. I know those things can't put up much of a fight, but still I feel like a superhero when I kill one.

"A pretty little collection of weaknesses and a terror of spiders are our indispensable stock-in-trade with the men." - Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

Thursday Music

Once upon a gallant time the television audience was graced with a low brow cartoon entitled Beavis and Butthead. Many panned the show as being juvenile tripe, and to some degree it was a valid point, but they missed what made this comedy so endearing to many. Humor at it's core is subversive and pop culture at the time was ripe for the pickings. The cartoon pointed out at how silly and without artistic merit music was and for the fans we were all grateful.

Sadly the show lost wind and MTV viewers grew tired of seeing videos being picked apart. While we all saw the show's ending coming what we didn't expect is that no one made a real attempt to produce something that really makes a statement at how stupid pop culture is without being preachy. Beavis and Butthead was the rare exception in media critique that could generate a laugh without leaving the audience feeling they were being talked down to. Sure it poked fun at MTV's audience oddly enough, but I loved that fact and I wish someone would do it again.

So today I bring you what I think is the briefest critique the dim witted duo ever made:

"They say it figures MTV would do such a vulgar, awful, horrible show and they completely miss that it's satirizing the people who watch MTV." - Mike Judge

It's a twister!

As a lot of you are aware tornado season is in full swing. Sadly the storms have taken many lives and left a wake of devastation in the midwest. Last night I came to the sudden realization that north Texas is not immune to such things.

Regular programming was cancelled as weather people were discussing the outbreaks of heavy storms in our area. Winds picked up and lightning lit up the sky while thunder echoed throughout the metroplex. Sirens blared for a moment and we were warned to get into shelter. The wife and I gathered the dogs and we hid in our bedroom closet.

I had a lazy attitude about the whole affair as I'm unfamiliar with tornados. I've heard warnings about them before and nothing happened, plus the weatherman never listed our immediate area as being one prone to being caught up, so I just relaxed until there was something I felt I should be nervous about.

Finally the warnings stopped and the wife went to bed. I stayed up to see if there were going to be anymore panic inducing reports. The storms got louder and the rain came down as if it were coming out of a fire hose. I used to live in the Northwest and I'm very familiar with rain, but I've never seen precipitation like what we get here in Texas. That's saying a lot.

Our home was safe from a natural disaster thankfully and there were no reports of any Miss Gulch sightings.

"There is more good writing and good acting in any ten minutes of Twister than in, say, all of Citizen Kane." - Orson Scott Card

To catch...

Last night I was waiting out a thunderstorm and keeping one ear glued to the news in case of a tornado warning. After the storm passed I flipped to MSNBC, who's programming is getting all kinds of tired. They were showing 'To Catch a Predator' with Chris Hansen, and I felt it was 2003 all over again.

We all know the premise behind the show. Pervert chats with what they think is a teen, show up at the house, Hanson pops out and asks them to have a seat over there, after confusing stories are told the men are arrested.

I'm of the mindset that sexual offender databases are useless and unnecessary. While no one can condone the horrible crimes these folks inflicted on their victims, they spent their time paying their dues. To assume they'll reoffend is just that, an assumption. How these registries keep anyone safe is a mystery to me and I just assume our citizens not have a scarlet letter. Stranger danger is really overrated as most people will be harmed by someone they know.

That being said now that I'm a parent-elect I looked up the sex offender registry in my area. There were no one in my immediate area that have a criminal record and I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm not sure why as I'll be attempting to protect my kids regardless if there's one around or not. Still for a second it gave me the illusion of security and I thought to myself I'm on to those threats, real or imagined.

My god I'm becoming a parent.

“The challenge for us is also to make it journalistically solid.” - Chris Hansen

Peace

Obama made a speech yesterday regarding Israeli policy and asked both sides of the equation to resume talks regarding a possible peace process. He went into some detail asking the nation to roll back it's borders to the pre-Six Day War and kindly advised Hamas to quit being all Hamas-like.

Liberals gave a sense of glee saying this was a very brave move. Why I don't know. It's along the same policy of all Presidents since Nixon. It's the same rhetoric we've heard during Clinton's Camp David talks, which worked out swimmingly if you'll remember.

Conservatives are upset that Obama dare criticize the chosen people. Romney and Gingrich find using strongly worded phrases towards our ally in the Mideast hurtful to their poor little feelings. Since their favorite Christ killers are at the focal point of Armageddon, they'll back them and the 144,000 that will make it up in the rapture so the Lord can make it back to Earth.

I really don't get the idea that peace is even possible in that region, so a process for the Palestinians and Israel is laughable to me, sadly. I wish I shared in the optimism so many do for a stable middle east, but I don't see either side interested. I don't paint Israel as the only enemy in this as to do so would be naive. The problem really is that no one has a convincing argument that both sides really want peace in the end. If someone can change my mind I'm all ears.

The President made the speech he had to make and it's all a bunch of lip service. It was well written and orated, but it did seem empty to me. Israel will never pull back their borders in fear of a rocket attack penetrating deeper into their state and will never give air rights to a Palestinian nation. Hamas, Hezzbollah, and others will not recognize the nation's right to exist, so here we are at the same crossroad that's been present for many decades.

"Today President Barack Obama has again indicated that his policy towards Israel is to blame Israel first," - Michele Bachmann

Romney: Obama 'threw Israel under the bus'

Lockout

As many of you are already aware, it looks like there will be no NFL season this year. NFL owners, while chomping on their cigars hand rolled by Honduran toddlers, decided not to bow to the socialist whims of the players, who's biggest worry is making their Escalade payments.

While the fans watch a bunch of spoiled prima donnas battle it out with the forces of old and evil we now have to find a new way to pass our time come fall. Fantasy Football will no longer be in effect for obvious reasons and I'm saddned that the Nashville Tax Burdens will not suck away my Sundays. Perhaps I can get a hobby, read a novel, or just take in another sport.

Watching the CFL while being a resident of Texas is not something that is looked well upon around these parts. I might as well head a conference of Marxist guerillas fighters, or NAMBLA. College football does have it's merits, but doesn't offer the level of play only the NFL can bring. I can watch high school football, which is always a good time, but that still leaves Sunday and Monday nights with an empty feeling. At least we won't have to sit through another awful Super Bowl halftime show like last year.

Thankfully the UFC is year round, but I found another sport that has piqued my interest. Only the Japanese can muster the popularity of this event, which is something I not only want to watch, but to play as well:

"The NFL, like life, is full of idiots." - Randy Cross.

Questions.

It's hard to write about Glenn Beck anymore as really no one takes him seriously anymore. Those few that do are really on the fringe and could be considered dangerous, if only to themselves. Still the intellectual midget amuses me to some degree, but sometimes he takes a surprising turn in his comedy and makes me wonder what goes on in the brain of the Tea Party mascot.

Recently he decided to take a shot at Meghan McCain for reasons that are unclear. The Senator's daughter posed seemingly naked, along with a bunch of stars you've forgotten exist, for a PSA concerning skin cancer. While her lady stuff was indeed covered, Beck found the idea of a naked McCain to be horrific. Instead of just voicing his displeasure at the thought of Meghan nude, he pretended to vomit on air for a full ten minutes, because people wouldn't have gotten the joke after, say sixty seconds.

Meghan responded to Beck's segment about her body in a fashion you would expect, but there was one line in her open letter I thought was rather funny:

"As a person who is known for his hot body, you must find it easy to judge the weight fluctuations of others, especially young women."

It was a good line, but I thought she could've crafted the entire letter with more skill. Let's try and take it from a man's point of view.

Mr Beck,

I understand you have no interest in seeing the woman pictured below without any clothes on. You actually believe seeing her naked would result in you losing your lunch and as such you want her to put on a burqa. This leads me to ponder that you're a raging homosexual who has a fetish for Polynesian teenage boys who sport bad goatees. Now I'm not saying you are one, but since you seem upset by the idea of a pretty woman scantily clad I have to bow to the only logical conclusion. Now again, I'm not saying you do like to have weekend getaways to Guam while you hold up in a hotel with men half your age, but I'm just asking questions. Prove to the public you don't masturbate to the volleyball scene in Top Gun this matter will be resolved. It's just that simple.

Respectfully,

Wiwille

"Put some extra clothes on. Like, lots of extra clothes...has she thought about a burqa, just to be extra safe?" - Glenn Beck

Overrated films part 30

Romantic comedies are a mixed bag for reasons that are kind of obvious. They're probably the most formulaic genre second only to horror. Basically you have boy meets girl, boy screws up, boy apologizes, girl forgives, wash, rinse, repeat.

Working Girl does take the formula and put it on it's ear, for better or for worse. Melanie Griffith stars as Tess, a spunky, ambitious secretary who wants to be a huge player in the world of big business. As her new boss is recovering from a skiing accident after stealing Tess' idea, Tess decides to steal it back and pretend she has her supervisor's job. She then meets Jack, a mogul in the industry and unbeknownst to Tess her boss' love interest, and attempts to solicit the idea. Romance ensues as well as a comedy of errors.

Sadly this romantic comedy has not one laugh. I can forgive a film for it, but it has to have a good love story to offset the failed attempts at humor, which it doesn't. Working Girl is as ambitious as the lead character in trying to give us lighthearted humor with a Cinderella story, but Pretty Woman this isn't. Melanie Griffith gives what is arguably her best performance in her entire career, but that doesn't save the lack of chemistry she has with Harrison Ford, or Alec Baldwin for that matter.

Critics praised this film largely on the back of Griffith's acting, and again it's a stellar performance, but the story failed to live up to that high standard. Perhaps if I were well versed with the world of high finance and brokering I may have had a few laughs, but I doubt it. Watching it recently just makes the film feel dated and awkward and the only chuckle I could give was for the strange hairstyles that were all the rage in the 80s. The film is well crafted as one would expect from Mike Nichols, but the script keeps this from being a memorable film.

"Blah comedy, but with nice performers." - Michael E. Grost

Manners

I like video games, but I was never the kind to play multiplayer online. It just didn't interest me in the slightest. Now that I'm miles away from my old friends I started to rethink my stance on playing games over the Internet so I can have another way of connecting
with them.

I ended up enjoying playing Call of Duty: Black Ops with my friends as we shot up other players and got ourselves killed numerous times. I was clearly not versed in multiplayer as I my skills were lacking, but I got better as time went on.

Recently I plopped in my Call of Duty: World at War disc as I'm a sucker for WWII shooters. I started to play and came across a guy who was clearly just standing in the open shooting at someone on my team. I approach him and unload my clip into him with no results. The character then jumped into the stratosphere and flew around like Superman. He then took aim at me and shot me dead.

Confused I respawned and ran around the map. I saw the guy again and shot at him with two clips which did nothing. He said "Wiwille, you're such a dumbass" and ran up to me and killed me with his knife.

I expressed my confusion and some other player told me to go report him to the Xbox Live service, which I did (suck it PSN). More players got on and displayed Superman like powers, so after filing numerous complaints I got frustrated and decided to play it no longer. It doesn't seem fair as someone who wants to have a fun, honest game can be mauled over a bunch of times by cheaters.

The other night I was playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. After a match someone sent me a voice message calling me a "little faggot". I have no idea what I did to incur his wrath or to assume I'm gay, but whatever. Last night there was some kid singing racial epithets over and over again, to which I muted and reported him.

It seems people don't like to play nice on the Internet, which is no surprise. The safety of being behind a keyboard, or in this case a controller, can make a coward seem invincible.

I've recently discovered a great blog, Why Was I Banned?, which chronicles the forums of people asking the moderators why they were kicked off Xbox Live. It's an endless source of comedy of whiny jobless virgins knowing full well they broke the rules, but somehow feel they're above them.
"I don't know; it just seemed like the cooler guys are playing Xbox. At least the ones I know." - Liz Phair

A wee Wiwille to come

After months of failed attempts my wife is finally with child. Yes the force is strong with my swimmers and soon Kelly will unleash the most awesome baby in the whole wide world out of her uterus.

We had been planning on getting pregnant since our wedding night, but sadly the task was more daunting for us than others. Some of our friends got pregnant by simply looking at a member of the opposite sex. We tried and tried by reading up on pregnancy science, which is a relatively new field, and engaging in every old wives' tale we could think of. For months I would be woken up to the depressing news that our swimmers and eggs weren't prone to meeting.

Finally after all hope seemed lost she woke my groggy self out of bed at some unholy hour announcing that the test proved positive. I was excited as well as relieved. We did it. We finally did it.

"Pregnancy is a kind of miracle. Especially so in that it proves that a man and woman can conspire to force God to create a new soul." - Robert Anton Wilson

Feelings

There seems to be a lot of chatter going about regarding what is appropriate when it comes to the death of Osama Bin Laden. A lot of the celebratory gatherings seem to offend those who don't wish death upon anyone and have made their disapproval public. There are those who would like Americans to use this moment as a time bit of quiet reflection. They'll also misquote Martin Luther King Jr while doing so oddly enough.

Who the hell gets off telling someone else how to feel? When Osama was killed I watched the streets of Washington DC and New York erupt into jubilation. While I at first felt uncomfortable with celebrating someone's death I soon realized it wasn't all about the terror mastermind being killed. These were people who felt they were at death's door for the past decade. They lost many loved ones in those horrific attacks and gained a bit of closure. After so long the country felt a bit more secure. To assume that everyone dancing in the streets or feeling any bit of happiness at Osama's demise is some fool with a bloodlust is arrogant.

I didn't lose a loved one on 9/11 thankfully, but had I did I might be inclined to feel a bit more jubilant about Osama's passing. I should make no apologies for it. I understand the feeling that it's immoral to want someone to die, but to claim that as an absolute and then wag your finger at those who feel differently than you is a bit trite. This is not the time to be holier than thou.

We'll go through this nonsense again when Fred Phelps meets his maker.

"What kind of nation and what kind of species do we want to be? Do we want to become a species that honors life? Do we want to become a species that embodies peace?" - Pamela Gerloff - Writer, education futurist, specialist in transformational change.

The Psychology of Revenge: Why We Should Stop Celebrating Osama Bin Laden's Death

Praise Allah!

As you're all abundantly aware Osama Bin Laden is no longer with us as he's spending his time amongst virgins in heaven. The terror mastermind was dealt his death card at the hands of American forces in Pakistan.

When I heard the news last night I was kind of numb. Actually I was shocked he was still alive. I felt odd having a bit of excitement at the news of someone's death, but in the case I think it's justified. He is responsible for not only the death of many Americans, but citizens the world over. Still I think a bullet was too quick a death for this miserable creature.

I was hoping US forces would've just tied him down to a cot and let his dialysis take over, but maybe that's too harsh. It's a time for America, and the world, to take a short sigh of relief. A criminal is no longer with us, and maybe the Earth became a safer place to live. Whether that's true or not will remain to be seen, but celebration is natural. Crowds gathered, the President made a terrific speech, and all shared a historic experience hoping that this event will benefit mankind.

Of course next summer we'll see a dramatized version of his demise in a blockbuster directed by Michael Bay.

"We love death. The U.S. loves life. That is the difference between us two." - Osama bin Laden