Bencina

"Have you ever farted yourself awake?" she asked via text.

"No," I responded. "Your ex-boyfriend woke me with his gas."

Him and I used to sleep in one room on bunk beds. Not exactly the best of living conditions, but overall it worked as best it could. As studies would indicate everyone releases a certain amount of gas as they are in slumber and my then roommate was no exception. I slept on the top bunk and a few times awoke to an odor I could only recognize as coming from a human anus. Funny thing is he would giggle while semi conscious after the fact.

This conversation lead to scenarios in where significant others have woken me with their gaseousness. Is that a word? Anyways a few times spooning I was knocked awake with the rumble of a fart. One girl I dated for a short while made it quite the habit. When I brought it up to her she apologized for not warning me about her intestinal issues earlier, but I told her not to be sorry as I thought it was hilarious.

After detailing this to a friend she said I got the 'stinky nuts.'

Granted she was not the first girl to do this while asleep, nor the last, but thinking about all the women who have been in such a state of relax that my body was bombarded with gas I wonder if I've ever rudely awoke someone with my own. Hmm....

I need a better diet if I ever plan on getting a girlfriend.

"My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away." - Jenny McCarthy