It's smelly being Wiwille's friend

"Wow," she said. "I can't believe you could do that and still drive. You even stayed in your lane. I'm impressed."

"Multitasking," I replied. "It's what I do."

The night before I was sitting at a bar by myself waiting for a coworker to join me. Three pints in the flirty waitresses took pity on my lonesome self and made small talk. While I appreciated their good nature in keeping me company as my friend didn't respond to any of my texts I decided to make my leave. One waitress gave me a hug and wished me a good evening while the other made me promise to come back if I was bored.

I go home and pop online. A girl messaged me on Facebook asking general get to know me questions. Odd I thought as she wasn't listed as a friend, but I messaged her back. After a few exchanges we started chatting. She then asked if I wanted to get some drinks with her next week, but I reminded her that I was free that night. She then told me she was heading to her local watering hole and I was welcome to meet her and play some pool.

What the hell was I doing? I was driving up to meet a strange girl in an area I was largely unfamiliar with about to walk into God knows what. A twinge of fear struck through me, but that quickly passed as I've had crazier ideas. Onward good Christian soldier Wiwille. Onward. What's the worst that could happen?

I find myself asking myself that question a lot.

I arrive to some Asian owned bar. Walking into the place I notice the sweltering heat that hit me like a hammer. It was a small place that was largely unoccupied. Two young girls were sitting at a table and four guys who looked in their mid 40s were seated talking amongst themselves. One of them held an uncanny resemblance to Dr Drew.

The girl I was to meet was playing pool with a some guy. I went up to her and introduced myself. She was short with long blond hair and had a mousy voice that was really cute. A pretty thing she was and had a look that noted she had some tomboyish qualities.

After some small talk she decided to get back to her game. Clearly this girl had skill. She was making shots that were highly impressive as she wiped the floor with her opponent. He took the loss graciously then handed me the cue declaring that I was next up.

I'm no good at pool. It's not a skill that I've mastered in my days, but for whatever reason the God of billiards shined his light on me. She at first claimed I cheated, but then accepted her loss and bought me a drink.

"What is this?" I said as I took a sip.

"It's grape," she replied with giddiness. "It's delicious."

I couldn't tell if she was serious or not, but she gulped hers down with glee. She then proclaimed she'd been drinking since four that afternoon and by her manner of speech I was not surprised. The girl does know how to hold her liquor.

We sat and talked about general likes and dislikes and I found I had more in common with her than originally thought. Although she stated her disdain for all things sushi we enjoyed some good banter. Then her intoxication started to show as she wouldn't finish sentences and her demeanor changed from happy to introspective.

She then brought up online dating and went into a little history of her personal life. Just coming out of a relationship earlier this year she said she really wanted to meet new people, but wasn't interested in just making friends. The girl wanted a child and sport fucking was not for her and she reminded me of this fact numerous times. I asked her if her most recent breakup still stung, but she didn't answer.

The girl rambled on more about wanting kids to other topics such as my feet. For whatever reason she liked my toenails and thought I should get a pedicure. Why almost every woman in my life believes this I'll never understand.

After a couple more drinks it was obvious to me that I wanted to get home. The girl made her desire to see me again known as early as the next day, but I informed her I had plans with a friend to see a play. She asked questions about the gender of my friend and voiced her suspicion of the nature of the friendship. I told her I had nothing to explain, but we could talk again. She gave me a hug and a wet kiss on my neck and asked me to call her.

I asked if she needed a ride home, but she said she could walk there and wasn't comfortable with showing a stranger where she lived. Understood.

The next morning my friend woke me from my slumber and announced we needed to go to the play. I was a bit queasy as the beer and liquor did not mix well, but was relatively ok if not a little hungover. We got into my car and started the trek from Renton to Seattle.

I drive over the hill on I-5 and marvel at the cityscape in front of me. I comment to my friend how I love this stretch of road and she talked about how in her younger years she enjoyed the view of downtown from a ferry.

While she was talking I felt my stomach start to churn. I paid it little mind as we were almost there and getting some fresh air would do some good, but she looked at me and asked if I was ok. I was not.

The substance crept up my esophagus and I covered my mouth quickly. Vomit released into and covered my hand and it was clear I couldn't hold it any longer. Suddenly I find my lap covered in my own puke. After a few more after shocks of my stomach I pull the car onto I-90 and make my way home.

With the air conditioning blowing on me my legs started getting cold while the warm sun kept my face lit. I was horribly embarrassed and my friend was probably a combination of horror and surprise. Here we were about to have a good day enjoying a nice play and it started with me spilling yesterday's food in my vehicle. I felt about six inches tall.

We make it back to my place and I cleaned myself up and laid down. Immediately I fell asleep and awoke a few hours later. I call my friend expressing my profound apologies to her voice mail. I found that she had cleaned my car out before she went to the play...by herself.

Finally I get a hold of her and promised to make it up to her in any way possible. She assured me that I would do that in spades, but thankfully took it all in good humor. We laughed about it as I thought about calling the Vatican and proclaiming that she be nominated as a saint.

Last night I watched the sun set behind the Olympic Mountains and pondered the time I had spent this weekend. As darkness set on the horizon it was clear to me that I'm way too old for this shit.

"One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs." - Josh Billings