"You'd be a perfect canidate for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." I can't count how many times I heard that line during the time that miserable show was all the rage.
I hate clothes shopping. I can't think of a bigger chore than to browse aisles for the perfect article of clothing and drop a wad of dough for overpriced goods.
Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble to pick up a birthday gift for my friend Corey. Afterwards I headed to the Bellevue Square Mall which is the yuppiest place in one of the yuppiest towns in America.
See I'm going to a wedding this weekend and was told that since it's an evening ceremony that suits are all but mandatory, therefore a trip to the mall seemed necessary. Whoever made that rule need to burn in hell while being subjected to the sounds of System of a Down for eternity.
I walk into the mall and notice that I'm not quite dressed to be browsing in yuppie land. Here I am unshorn, wearing a Guinness hat and a Harley t-shirt looking at suit jackets. Yeah it's not the best look, but it got some interesting reactions from the sales people.
I was looking through the rack at one store when a salesman approached me.
"Looking for a suit?" he asked.
"I am indeed," I replied.
"For a job interview?" he said.
I would normally take offence to that, but I guess on first impression I did seem like I haven't seen a regular paycheck in a few months and I browse lots of porn while blaring pro wrestling on the TV.
"No," I said. "Honestly I am employed. I'm looking for something for an evening wedding."
"Ahh yes," he said. "A suit is appropriate for a late wedding."
"So I've heard."
He looked me over..again..and decided I needed assistance.
"Do you need help finding anything?"
"Not really. I'm looking for something similar to my last suit."
"You wear suits?"
He seemed really surprised by this.
"Yes I...ah fuck it. I'll just come back with my girlfriend. She has a good idea of what looks good on me."
"Have a good day sir," he said smugly.
It took all I had not to punch him in the eye.
"People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through." - Ricky Gervais