Jul 10, 2007

Blogger GI Joes.

As most guys of my generation I was a huge fan of the GI Joe cartoon. Every afternoon after school I was glued to the set watching the adventures of "America's daring highly trained special mission force" battling Cobra Commander and his minions. Every character had a special function, like Shipwreck who was a sailor (get it) and Lifeline the medic. I always imagined myself being Snake Eyes, the mute ninja dude who had a pet wolf.

Given that I have nothing interesting to blog I sat here imagining what kind of characters my blogger friends would be had they been recruited by the Joe team. Here are the results:

Palbog (Blog as You Are) - Code name: Fumar. Pablo's special technique would be arson.
Mattbear (The Inexcusable) - Code name: Whiteout. Mattbear would stun the enemy by stripping of his shirt and blinding the enemy.
Jeff (Caliban) - Code name: Aliester. Jeff would employ magic(k) to render Cobra's weapons useless. His lectures on comic book cannon would also be used as a torture device, but this is still under review by the UN as a possible violation of the Geneva Convention.
Kelly (Sunburned Feet) - Code name: Hot mom. A master tactician Kelly would draw battle plans and staff accordingly.
Joe (Jowie) - Code name: Commodore 64. Joe's job is a lonely one as he sits in a server room attempting to hack into Destro's network.
Dennis (The Canucks Genome Project) - Code name: Puck. Stationed in the Arctic Dennis would constantly pull and analyze miliatry statistics all the while preaching the evils of The New Deal.
Alec (Alec's Blog) - Code name: Potter. Alec would develop communication software and entertain the troops by showing bad movies.
Jinsane (Mind Blowing Insanity) - Code name: HHT. Jinsane would render the enemy useless as their concentration would be blown by her scantily clad uniforms.
Alyssa (Accidentalpurposity) - Code name: Peanut. Alyssa would stand by on reserve. In case a battle would be deemed all but lost by Joe's commanders Alyssa would step in and in a violent pregnant fit of rage take out each and every enemy soldier armed only with a lawn dart. She is thought to be more effective than a nuclear device.
Scott (Life is Grand, Love is Real and Beauty is Everywhere!) - Code name: One note. A communications office Scott would send cryptic messages encoded as song lyrics. Once disciplined for creating messages asking people to respond with their favorite sexual position the enemy has never been able to decipher his code.
Clair (The Country Mouse Tales) - Code name: Steeple. As military chaplain her duty is to provide a spiritual center for the Joe team. An interpreter is always accompanying her so the American troops can understand the British slang.
WIGSF (What I've Got so Far) - Code name: DJ Jazzy Canuck. WIGSF would entertain the troops by providing music to every single task they take. Once questioned about blaring the Village People during latrine duties WIGSF maintains he's hetero.
Big Ben (Memoirs of an Oversized Canadian) - Code name: Tiny. Given Big Ben's size the command at GI Joe headquarters believe his best duty would to train soldiers in various sports keeping them in shape. He also moonlights as a pro-wrestler and was acquitted during a sexual harassment court martial.
Miss Ash (Something's Gotta Give) - Code name: D-cup. Understanding males' primary weakness she would appear on the battle field and flash and any all attackers stopping them dead in their tracks, laying down their arms, and staring at her. When the enemy is deemed useless she would then pull out her sword (with a designer shoe hilt) and strike through all motionless soldiers.
Wiwille (Erik's Rambling) - Code name: Stalker. Was once a brilliant fighter, but now incarcerated for questionable correspondence with a certain Hollywood debutant. Pleading his innocence he now writes useless and often times insulting ramblings. Numerous appeals have been thrown out by the military tribunal.

Yeah I think that's enough for now.

"You gotta be tougher than that! I'm no wimp any more! I'm a G.I. Joe, and nothing stops a G.I. Joe! Nothing!" - Lowlight


Scott said...

I am dying over here, that is a classic post!! I love it... one note... brilliant.

DJ Jazzy Canuck said...

I love it. That's the best post ever!

Miss Ash said...

Oh I love it, hilarious!!!

You should write these more often, you make me sound hot & sexy haha!

Big Ben said...

I think you really hit the mark when it comes to our mutual blogger friends. As for the sexual harassment, she was wearing a short skirt, she was asking for it.

Mattbear said...

Whiteout! Awesome! I am SO using that one next time somebody complains about me taking off my shirt. "I have to! I'm defending America's freedom from Cobra!"